SO I TOLD CARL
NOBODY, NO MATTER HOW FAMOUS
THEIR PARENTS ARE
NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO CLIMB ON THE DINOSAUR.
BUT OF COURSE…
I LOVE HOW HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT STUFF.
IF I SQUINT, I CAN PRETEND HE'S ALAN ALDA.
OH, GOOD. ANOTHER DINOSAUR STORY.
WHEN ARE T GOING TO BECOME EXTINCT?
IF I WAS A SUPERHERO WHO COULD FLY AND BE INVISIBLE
THAT WOULD BE THE BEST.
WHAT DOES RACHEL SEE IN THIS GUY?
I LOVE RACHEL.
I WISH SHE WAS MY WIFE.
WHO'S SINGING?
HEY, WHEN YOU GUYS WERE KIDS
AND YOU PLAYED HAPPY DAYS, WHO WERE YOU?
I WAS ALWAYS RICHIE.
I WAS ALWAYS JOANIE.
QUESTION.
WAS "EGG THE GELLERS!"
THE WAR CRY OF YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
EW! EW!
IT'S THE MATTRESS KING.
DON'T LOOK, HONEY. CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
I WANT TO SEE THIS.
AFTER I DIVORCE HIM, HALF OF THAT KINGDOM
WILL BE MINE.
Despair fills the mattress showroom.
My kingdom is suddenly without a queen.
I'm so depressed, I'm going to slash…
my prices!
Check it out!
$599 for a Comfort King!
$499 for a pillow top queen set!
I'm going Medieval on prices!
WHAT A WANK.
OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE HE'S USING OUR DIVORCE
TO SELL MATTRESSES.
I KNOW. AT $499 FOR A PILLOW TOP QUEEN SET
WHO CARES ABOUT THE DIVORCE?
THOSE BABIES WILL SELL THEMSELVES.
…always gives you a 30-day money-back guarantee…
I'M APPALLED FOR YOU, BY THE WAY.
You'll be glad you did.
I'm close. I'm cheap.
I'm the king.
OKAY. OKAY, DADDY.
WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
"WE"?
…ARE, UH, HAVING DINNER WITH MY DAD TOMORROW NIGHT.
I HOPE THAT'S OKAY.
OH, SHOOT.
TOMORROW'S NOT SO GOOD.
I'M SUPPOSED TO FALL OFF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
AND LAND ON A BICYCLE WITH NO SEAT, SO…
ROSS, MY FATHER DOESN'T HATE YOU.
PLEASE.
HE REFERS TO ME AS "WET HEAD."
BUT, HONEY, HE CALLS EVERYBODY BY A NICKNAME.
OKAY, LOOK, JUST ONE DINNER.
PLEASE, ONE NIGHT FOR ME.
I JUST WANT HIM TO LOVE YOU LIKE I DO.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, NOT EXACTLY LIKE I DO.
BUT, IF YOU DO COME TO DINNER
I'D LOVE YOU LIKE I DO
IN THAT BLACK THING THAT YOU LIKE.
I'LL GO.
FINE.
THANK YOU.
HI, GUNTHER.
YEAH. WE'LL SEE.
HEY, YOU GUYS.
HEY.
GUESS WHAT?
I GOT A GIG.
I CAN NEVER BE AN ACTOR.
I CAN'T SAY "GIG."
I CAN'T SAY "CROISSANT."
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S THE PART?
IT'S NOT A PART.
NO. I'M TEACHING ACTING FOR SOAP OPERAS
DOWN AT THE LEARNING EXTENSION.
THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S LIKE MY CHANCE
TO GIVE SOMETHING BACK TO THE ACTING COMMUNITY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT ALLOWED TO SLEEP
WITH ANY OF YOUR STUDENTS.
I KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW, MONICA.
IT FEELS FUNNY JUST BEING HERE.
I MEAN, IF YOU BUY A BED FROM JANICE'S EX-HUSBAND
THAT'S LIKE BETRAYING CHANDLER.
NOT AT THESE PRICES.
HI.
IN ENGLAND, THIS CAR WOULD BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE.
WHOOSH!
OHH… OHH…
PHOEBE, COME HERE.
OHH. THIS IS MY NEW BED.
YOU GOT TO FEEL THIS BAD BOY.
MONICA, IT STILL FEELS SO WEIRD, YOU KNOW.
CHANDLER'S YOUR FRIEND.
OH, MY GOD!
OHH.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE THIS BED.
YOU CAN MAKE OTHER FRIENDS.
GOOD EVENING.
I AM MR. TRIBBIANI…
AND I WILL BE TEACHING ACTING FOR SOAP OPERAS.
NOW, UM…
ON MY FIRST DAY AS DR. DRAKE RAMORAY
ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES…
UH, I LEARNED THAT ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS
IN SOAP OPERA ACTING IS REACTING.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN ACTING AGAIN.
IT MEANS YOU DON'T
HAVE A LINE, BUT SOMEONE ELSE DID
AND IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
THANKS. THANKS.
THANKS A LOT.
OH, BEFORE I FORGET, TO WORK IN SOAP OPERAS
SOME OF YOU WILL HAVE TO BECOME MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE.
ALL RIGHT.
MOVING RIGHT ALONG…
HI.
HEY.
OOH! HOW WAS TEACHING LAST NIGHT?
GREAT! YOU GET TO SAY STUFF LIKE
"HEY, THE BELL DOESN'T DISMISS YOU.
I DISMISS YOU."
OHH. NICE.
OH, GUESS WHAT?
I GOT AN AUDITION FOR ALL MY CHILDREN.
OH, YAY!
IT'S THIS GREAT PART.
THIS BOXER NAMED NICK.
I'M SO, SO RIGHT FOR IT.
HE'S JUST LIKE ME, EXCEPT HE'S A BOXER
AND HE HAS AN EVIL TWIN.
OH!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
DELIVERY FROM THE MATTRESS KING.
YOU MISS GELLER?
OKAY.
SIGN HERE.
OOH. DO I HAVE A MIDDLE NAME?
ALL RIGHT. MONICA FALOOLA…
GELLER.
IT'S THAT BEDROOM THERE.
HEY, MONICA BOUGHT A BED FROM THE MATTRESS KING?
YEAH. SO, PLEASE, PLEASE
PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO CHANDLER.
YOU WANT ME TO LIE TO CHANDLER?
IS THAT A PROBLEM?
NO.
OH, HEY, HEY, NICK THE BOXER.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
PUT THEM UP, COME ON.
HEY…
YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD.
I HAD TO LEARN.
I WAS STAYING AT THE "Y."
SOME OF THE MEN WEREN'T ACTING CHRISTIAN.
OH.
HEY, NOW. HEY!
OW!
AND I'M BLEEDING.
OKAY, GREAT.
WOW! AND I'M A VEGETARIAN.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'M SORRY.
WE'LL PUT SOME ICE ON IT.
PUT YOUR HEAD BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
I CAN'T SEE.
I HAVE YOU.
OH, GOD.
Delivery man: WHICH BEDROOM DO YOU WANT IT IN?
THE COMPULSIVELY NEAT ONE
BY THE WINDOW, OKAY?
GOTCHA.
HI, DADDY.
THIS IS WHERE THEY PUT US?
WHAT? THERE WAS NO TABLE AVAILABLE IN THE KITCHEN?
OH. HI, DADDY.
HELLO, BABY.
YOU REMEMBER ROSS?
NICE TO SEE YOU, DR. GREEN.
SO!
HOW'S THE LIBRARY?
UH, MUSEUM.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LIBRARY?
THERE NEVER WAS A LIBRARY.
I MEAN, THERE ARE LIBRARIES.
UM… I'VE NEVER WORKED AT ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOOD HERE?
THE LOBSTER.
SHALL I JUST ORDER THREE?
YEAH, IF YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY.
IT WAS A JO… I MADE A JOKE.
YEAH. ACTUALLY, DADDY…
ROSS IS ALLERGIC TO LOBSTER.
WHAT KIND OF PERSON'S ALLERGIC TO LOBSTER?
THE KIND OF PERSON
THAT WORKS IN A LIBRARY.
IT'S NOT A LI…
I KNOW. IT'S A MUSEUM.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE A JOKE?
UHH… WAITER.
WE WILL HAVE TWO LOBSTERS AND A MENU.
SO, DR. GREEN, HOW'S THE OLD BOAT?
THEY FOUND RUST.
YOU KNOW WHAT RUST DOES TO A BOAT?
GIVES IT A NICE, ANTIQUE-Y LOOK?
RUST IS BOAT CANCER, ROSS.
WELL, I'M SORRY.
WHEN I WAS A KID, I LOST A BIKE TO THAT.
I WANT TO SAY GOOD NIGHT TO THE LEVINES BEFORE WE GO.
OKAY.
HONEY, STOP.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
YEAH.
UH-OH.
I THINK YOUR DAD MUST HAVE ADDED WRONG.
HE ONLY TIPPED, LIKE, FOUR PERCENT.
YEAH. THAT'S DADDY.
THAT'S DADDY?
DOESN'T IT BOTHER YOU?
YOU'RE A WAITRESS.
YES. IT BOTHERS ME, ROSS
BUT, YOU KNOW, IF HE WAS A REGULAR
AT THE COFFEE HOUSE, I'D BE SERVING HIM "SNEEZERS."
SO?
SO, ROSS
I BUGGED HIM A MILLION TIMES.
HE WON'T CHANGE.
DO YOU REALLY SERVE PEOPLE "SNEEZERS"?
WELL, UM, I DON'T.
ALL RIGHT, KIDS
YOU READY?
THANKS AGAIN, DR. GREEN.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I THINK I FORGOT MY RECEIPT…
YOU DON'T NEED THAT.
WHY NOT?
THE CARBON… IT'S MESSY.
I MEAN, GETS ON YOUR FINGERS
AND CAUSES THE, THE… NIGHT BLINDNESS.
WHAT IS THIS?
WHO PUT A 20 THERE?
HUH?
OH, THAT WOULD BE ME.
UM, I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I TIP WAY TOO MUCH.
IT'S A SICKNESS, REALLY.
YEAH. IT IS.
'CAUSE WE REALLY
HAVE TO DO…
EXCUSE ME.
YOU THINK I'M CHEAP?
OH, DADDY, HE DIDN'T MEAN…
HUH?
HE REALLY DIDN'T.
NOTHING I DO MEANS ANYTHING, REALLY.
THIS IS NICE.
I PAY $200 FOR DINNER, YOU PUT DOWN 20
AND YOU COME OUT LOOKING LIKE MR. BIG SHOT.
YOU REALLY WANT TO BE MR. BIG SHOT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU PAY THE WHOLE BILL, MR. BIG SHOT.
WELL, "MR. BIG SHOT" IS BETTER THAN "WET HEAD."
OKAY. SOME TRICKS OF THE TRADE.
NOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO CRY AS AN ACTOR.
SO, IF I'M IN A SCENE WHERE I HAVE TO CRY
I CUT A HOLE IN MY POCKET, TAKE A PAIR OF TWEEZERS…
AND JUST START PULLING.
OKAY?
OR, UH, LET'S SAY I WANT TO CONVEY
THAT I'VE JUST DONE SOMETHING EVIL.
THAT WOULD BE YOUR BASIC
"I'VE GOT A FISHHOOK IN MY EYEBROW"
AND I, LIKE…
HMM? OKAY.
LET'S SAY I'VE JUST GOTTEN BAD NEWS.
WELL, ALL I DO THERE
IS TRY AND DIVIDE 232 BY 13.
AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.
GREAT SOAP OPERA ACTING TONIGHT, EVERYBODY.
CLASS DISMISSED.
HEY, MR. TRIB.
GUESS WHAT?
I GOT AN AUDITION!
OH. ONE OF MY STUDENTS GOT AN AUDITION.
I'M SO PROUD.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD CONSIDER
COACHING ME FOR IT?
YOU BET.
WHAT'S THE PART?
OH, IT'S GREAT.
IT'S A ROLE IN ALL MY CHILDREN.
NICK THE BOXER.
YOU COULDN'T JUST LEAVE IT ALONE.
FOUR PERCENT, OKAY?
I TIP MORE THAN THAT
WHEN THERE'S A BUG IN MY FOOD.
ROSS, TONIGHT WAS ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU GETTING ALONG.
WOULD YOU SEE MY CHIROPRACTOR?
YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO TO A DOCTOR
WHO WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN A MINI-MALL.
HEY, PHEEBS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I… I'M FREAKING OUT.
MONICA KIND OF TRUSTED ME WITH SOMETHING
AND SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE.
I HAVEN'T LIVED HERE IN A WHILE, SO I HAVE TO ASK.
DOES MONICA STILL TURN THE LIGHTS ON IN HER BEDROOM?
YEAH.
I AM SO DEAD.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE, ROSS.
THIS IS FIXABLE IF WE ACT FAST, OKAY?
I'LL INVITE HIM TO BRUNCH AND YOU CAN MAKE NICE.
LOOK, HONEY, I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE NICE.
IT DOESN'T WORK.
LOOK, I REALIZE THAT MY FATHER IS DIFFICULT
BUT THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE GOT TO BE
THE BIGGER MAN HERE.
LOOK, SWEETIE, I COULD BE THE BIGGER MAN.
I COULD BE THE BIGGEST MAN.
I COULD BE A GIANT MAN.
IT WOULDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
EXCEPT THAT I COULD PICK YOUR FATHER UP
AND SAY, "LIKE ME, TINY DOCTOR."
OKAY, WELL, CAN'T YOU JUST TRY IT
ONE MORE TIME, ROSS? FOR ME. FOR ME.
RACHEL, ONE BRUNCH IS NOT GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING.
YOU'VE GOT TO FACE IT, WE'LL NEVER GET ALONG.
YOU HAVE TO, BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY GOT
A MOTHER AND A FATHER
WHO CANNOT STAY IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.
I DON'T WANT A SEPARATE ROOM FOR YOU TOO.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
I'LL GET THE BAGELS.
WHAT'S THIS?
ISN'T IT COOL? VROOM! VROOM!
THIS IS NOT THE BED I ORDERED.
I KNOW. YOU MUST HAVE WON A CONTEST OR SOMETHING.
PHOEBE.
WHY IS THIS CAR IN MY BEDROOM?
I'M SORRY, OKAY? I WASN'T LOOKING
AND THE STORE SAID THEY WON'T TAKE IT BACK
BECAUSE YOU SIGNED FOR IT.
WHEN DID I SIGN FOR IT?
WHEN I WAS YOU.
IT'S ALL JOEY'S FAULT BECAUSE HE LEFT HIS NOSE OPEN.
DID YOU MAKE BROWNIES TODAY?
KNOCK, KNOCK.
QUICK, TAKE OFF YOUR DRESS. HE WON'T NOTICE THE BED.
HEY, I'M GOING FOR SUSHI.
DOES ANYBODY WANT, UH…
WHOA, SOMEBODY MISSED THE OFF RAMP.
IT'S MONICA'S BED.
WHAT?
OKAY.
IT'S A RACE CAR.
SO, THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN MONICA'S BED.
YOU'RE JUST NOTICING NOW?
HOW SELF-INVOLVED ARE YOU?
OKAY, WELL, IF THIS BED ISN'T NEW
THEN HOW COME THERE'S PLASTIC ON THE MATTRESS?
SOMETIMES, I HAVE BAD DREAMS.
LOOK…
I JUST SAW MY BEST FRIEND'S BRAINS
SMEARED ACROSS THE CANVAS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ME.
NOT ME.
WOW.
THAT… THAT… THAT WAS GOOD. THAT WAS…
TWEEZERS?
NO.
OH, WOW.
THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
THANKS.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
HMM, I…
YOU TOLD HIM TO PLAY THE BOXER GAY?
WELL, I-I MIGHT HAVE SAID "SUPER GAY."
YOU TOTALLY SCREWED HIM OVER.
JOEY, YOU'RE THIS GUY'S TEACHER.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?
BECAUSE, MONICA, THE GUY'S SO GOOD
AND I REALLY, REALLY WANT THIS PART.
WELL, IF YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT IT, THEN IT'S OKAY.
HI, DADDY.
BABY.
ROSS.
DR. GREEN, HOW ARE YOU?
THANKS FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME A VALUABLE LESSON.
NICE HAIR.
WHAT DID YOU DO, SWIM HERE?
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
WHAT? HE'S INTERESTED IN YOU.
HE LIKES YOUR HAIR AND HE JUST WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU GOT HERE.
SWEETIE, IT'S HOPELESS, OKAY?
I'M JUST GOING TO GO. WHAT? ROSS…
LOOK, I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST…
ROSS, WHAT'S WITH THE NECK?
HE'S GOT THIS THING.
I TELL HIM TO GO TO MY CHIROPRACTOR.
YOU'RE STILL GOING TO THAT CHIROPRACTOR?
THAT MAN COULDN'T GET INTO MED SCHOOL IN IXTAPA.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
THAT'S WHAT I KEEP SAYING.
EXCUSE ME. DR. BOBBY HAPPENS TO BE AN EXCELLENT DOCTOR.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HIS NAME IS DR. BOBBY?
WELL, THAT'S HIS LAST NAME.
AND HIS FIRST NAME.
HE'S BOBBY BOBBY?
IT'S ROBERT BOBBY.
OH-HO.
AND UM, EXCUSE ME. HE HELPS ME.
OH, PLEASE. ASK HER HOW.
WHAT DO YOU NEED HELP FOR?
MY ALIGNMENT. I'VE GOT ONE LEG SHORTER THAN THE OTHER.
OH, MY GOD.
YEAH. ARGUE WITH THAT.
IT'S TRUE. MY RIGHT LEG IS TWO INCHES SHORTER.
COME ON, YOU'RE JUST TILTING.
HER LEGS ARE FINE.
I KNOW THAT.
WHY LET HER GO TO A CHIROPRACTOR?
I'M SORRY. "LET HER"?
SHE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME ABOUT RENTER'S INSURANCE, EITHER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T HAVE RENTER'S INSURANCE?
NO.
WELL, WHAT IF SOMEBODY STEALS SOMETHING?
HOW YOU GOING TO RUN AFTER THEM WITH
ONE LEG SHORTER THAN THE OTHER?
HEY, WOULD YOU, UH, LIKE SOME JUICE?
I'D LOVE SOME JUICE, THANK YOU.
OKAY.
WOW. THIS IS GOING SO WELL.
DID YOU SEE US?
YEAH, HONEY, I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM ABOUT THE MOLE
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN CHECKED YET?
EXCELLENT.
THERE WILL COME A TIME IN EACH OF YOUR CAREERS
WHEN YOU'LL HAVE A CHANCE
TO SCREW OVER ANOTHER SOAP OPERA ACTOR.
I HAD SUCH AN OPPORTUNITY IN THE RECENT PRESENT.
AND I'M ASHAMED TO SAY THAT I TOOK IT.
I ADVISED A FELLOW ACTOR TO PLAY A ROLE…
HOMOSEXUALLY.
YEAH.
WE BOTH AUDITIONED FOR THE PART
AND, UH… AS IT TURNED OUT…
THEY, UH…
THEY LIKED THE STUPID GAY THING AND CAST HIM.
AND NOW…
HE'S GOT A TWO YEAR CONTRACT OPPOSITE…
SUSAN LUCCI, THE FIRST LADY OF DAYTIME TELEVISION.
AND ME…
ME, I'M STUCK HERE TEACHING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
MOST OF WHOM ARE TOO UGLY TO EVEN BE ON TV.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU.
MAY I HELP YOU?
WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.
I'M THE LADY WHO GOT STUCK WITH THE RACE CAR BED.
LOOK, IT'S LIKE I TOLD YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
YOU SIGNED FOR IT.
"MONICA FALOOLA GELLER."
ALL RIGHT, JESTER MAN, WE WANT TO SEE THE KING.
NOBODY SEES THE KING.
OKAY, I'M TALKING TO THE KING.
HEY, YOU CAN'T GO BACK THERE.
OHH… MY… GOD.
HEY! WATCH IT, LADY!
HEY, HEY, GOOD-LOOKIN'.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL LEAVE.
MY BED'S SO BORING.