FIVE OF HEARTS.
REAL MAGIC DOES EXIST.
WOW, JOEY, HOW DO YOU DO IT?
I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT. NO.
UH, SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR ON THE CEILING.
NO, THAT'S OUR UNBELIEVABLY LOUD
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR.
HE TOOK UP THE CARPETS
AND NOW YOU CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.
WHY DON'T YOU GO UP THERE
AND ASK HIM TO JUST STEP LIGHTLY, PLEASE?
I HAVE, LIKE, FIVE TIMES
BUT THE GUY IS SO CHARMING
THAT I GO UP THERE TO YELL
AND THEN I END UP APOLOGIZING TO HIM.
OH, THAT IS SILLY.
I'LL GO UP THERE.
I'LL TELL HIM TO KEEP IT DOWN.
BE MY GUEST.
GOOD LUCK.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW I DID IT
I'LL SHOW YOU.
WHEN YOU HANDED ME BACK THE CARD
WHAT YOU DIDN'T SEE WAS I LOOKED AT IT SO FAST
IT WAS INVISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE.
I JUST DID IT.
I JUST DID IT AGAIN.
HERE, I'LL SLOW IT DOWN SO YOU GUY CAN SEE IT.
READY?
OH! OH! OH!
OH, HOW'S IT GOING?
LOOK, I LIVE WITH MY FRIENDS DOWNSTAIRS
AND WE HEAR EVERYTHING YOU DO.
OH, THANK YOU!
HI.
ANYBODY GOT A LENGTH OF ROPE
ABOUT SIX FEET LONG, LITTLE NOOSE AT THE END?
HONEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I JUST SAW JANICE.
YEAH, SHE WAS AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER
SKATING WITH HER HUSBAND.
SHE LOOKED SO HAPPY.
ALMOST FEEL BAD
FOR WHIPPING THAT KID'S PRETZEL AT THEM.
I REMEMBER THE TIME I SAW KATHERINE
AFTER WE BROKE UP.
SHE WAS JUST WALKING WITH HER FRIEND DONNA
JUST LAUGHING AND TALKING…
IT KILLED ME.
YES, BUT YOU ENDED UP
HAVING SEX WITH BOTH OF THEM THAT AFTERNOON.
SORRY.
JUST ANY EXCUSE TO TELL THAT STORY.
CHANDLER, THERE'S A PARTY TOMORROW.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER THEN.
OH, I'M GOING TO BE OKAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO THROW A PARTY FOR ME.
IT'S JOEY'S BIRTHDAY.
WELL, IF ANYBODY SHOULD HAVE A PARTY
IT SHOULD BE HIM.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE'S STILL UP THERE.
OKAY, WELL, HE TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE PUNCH LINE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE…
HOW'S THAT COFFEE COMING, DEAR?
YEAH, RIGHT AWAY, MR. KAPLAN.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK COFFEE.
IT MAKES ME GASSY.
I KNOW.
I'LL BET YOU'RE THINKING
WHAT'S AN INTELLIGENT GIRL
WHO WANTS TO BE IN FASHION
DOING MAKING COFFEE, HUH?
HUH?
HA! YOU GOT ME.
DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED YOUR POTENTIAL.
I'VE GOT A PROJECT FOR YOU
THAT'S A LOT MORE RELATED TO FASHION.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
COME ON OVER HERE, SWEETHEART.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR. KAPLAN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I NEED THESE HANGERS SEPARATED A.S.A.P.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, GOD, I HATE MY JOB.
I HATE IT.
I KNOW, HONEY. I'M SORRY.
OH, I WANT TO QUIT
BUT THEN I THINK I SHOULD STICK IT OUT.
THEN I THINK WHY WOULD SUCH A PERSON
STAY IN SUCH A DEMEANING JOB
JUST BECAUSE IT'S REMOTELY RELATED
TO THE FIELD THEY'RE INTERESTED IN.
GEE, I DON'T KNOW, RACH.
ORDER UP.
I GOT A YENTL SOUP, A JAMES BEANS
AND A HOWDY, HOLD THE DOODY.
COME ON, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T MIND PAYING MY DUES, YOU KNOW?
IT'S JUST… HOW MUCH AM I GOING TO LEARN ABOUT FASHION
BY WALKING MYRA, THE ARTHRITIC SEAMSTRESS
TO THE BATHROOM?
HI.
IS MY MISERY AMUSING TO YOU?
I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST…
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
THIS IS ACTUALLY MY JOB.
OH, BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN THERE.
I HAD TO SORT MANNEQUIN HEADS
AT THAT MANNEQUINS PLUS.
OH, WELL, THEN
I'M JUST GOING TO GO BACK TALKING TO MY FRIEND HERE
AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO ENJOYING
YOUR LITTLE HAMBURGER.
JUST, UH, ONE OTHER THING?
YES?
I WORK AT BLOOMINGDALE'S
AND I MIGHT KNOW OF A JOB POSSIBILITY
IF YOU'RE… IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
DO YOU WANT MY PICKLE?
HI, GUYS.
HEY, GUNTHER. HI.
YOU'RE GOING ON A DATE WITH THE NOISY GUY UPSTAIRS?
WELL, HE'S VERY CHARMING.
HE'S TOO CHARMING
BUT IF YOU TWO START GOING OUT
IT'LL MAKE IT HARDER FOR ME TO HATE HIM.
WELL, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO TRY.
ALL RIGHT.
JOEY, WHERE ARE THE JELL-O SHOTS?
I DON'T KNOW.
CHANDLER'S SUPPOSED TO BE PASSING THEM…
CHANDLER!
HELLO-DEE-LO!
SOMEBODY'S FEELING BETTER.
YEAH.
STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE.
TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!
OH, MY GOD!
HOW MANY DID YOU HAVE?
THESE ARE PURE VODKA.
YEAH, JELL-O JUST LIKE MOM USED TO MAKE.
THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE THING
HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.
HI.
THIS GUY STARTS TALKING TO ME AT MONICA'S
AND HE WORKS FOR A BUYER AT BLOOMINGDALE'S.
THERE HAPPENS TO BE AN OPENING IN HIS DEPARTMENT
AND HE'S GOING TO CALL ME THIS WEEKEND
TO SEE IF HE CAN GET ME AN INTERVIEW.
WOW.
I KNOW.
SO, THIS GUY IS HELPING YOU
FOR NO APPARENT REASON?
UH-HUH.
AND HE'S A TOTAL STRANGER?
YEAH.
HIS NAME IS, UM, MARK SOMETHING.
HUH. SOUNDS LIKE MARK SOMETHING
WANTS TO HAVE SOME SEX.
WHAT?
I'M JUST SAYING, I MEAN
WHY ELSE WOULD HE, YOU KNOW, SWOOP IN OUT OF NOWHERE
FOR NO REASON?
TO BE NICE.
JOEY, ARE MEN EVER NICE
TO STRANGE WOMEN FOR NO REASON?
NO. ONLY FOR SEX.
THANK YOU.
SO, DID YOU, UH, TELL MARK SOMETHING ABOUT ME?
I DIDN'T HAVE TO BECAUSE I WAS WEARING
MY "I HEART ROSS" SANDWICH BOARD
AND RINGING MY BELL.
JOEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
HEY-EY-EY-EY!
OKAY, HOW MANY OF THAT GIRL ARE YOU SEEING?
HOW HAMMERED ARE YOU, HUH?
THESE ARE JOEY'S SISTERS.
HI, JOEY'S SISTERS!
HEY, WHAT ARE WE DRINKING OVER HERE?
OH, WELL, I HAVE A VODKA AND CRANBERRY JUICE.
NO KIDDING?
THAT'S THE EXACT SAME DRINK I MADE MYSELF
RIGHT AFTER I SHOT MY HUSBAND.
WOW.
OKAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT YOU DOING?
OH, I'M TAKING MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
OFF MY SPEED DIALER.
OHH! OHH!
NO, IT'S A GOOD THING.
WHY MUST WE DIAL SO SPEEDILY ANYWAY?
WHY MUST WE RUSH THROUGH LIFE?
WHY CAN'T WE SAVOR THE PRECIOUS MOMENTS?
THOSE ARE SOME HUGE BREASTS YOU HAVE.
HI.
YEAH, SO, UM, I HEARD ABOUT THIS MARK GUY
THAT RACHEL MET TODAY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
OH, YEAH.
SO, UH, YEAH, PRETTY, PRETTY…
SOUNDS LIKE A NICE, GOOD GUY.
OH, HE IS, AND HE IS SO DREAMY.
WHEN HE LEFT
I ACTUALLY USED THE PHRASE, "HUMMINA HUMMINA."
THAT'S EXCELLENT.
SO, HE'S JUST A NICE GUY.
AND THIS MARK DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING
IN EXCHANGE FOR HELPING YOU?
WELL, I ASSUME I'LL HAVE TO TAKE SHOWERS WITH HIM
BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S TRUE OF ANY JOB.
UH-OH.
HOW YOU FEELING?
WELL, MY APARTMENT ISN'T THERE ANYMORE
BECAUSE I DRANK IT.
WHERE'D YOU GET TO?
WE LOST YOU AFTER YOU OPENED UP ALL THE PRESENTS.
YEAH, I ENDED UP IN THE STORAGE ROOM
AND NOT ALONE.
WHOO-HOO!
AH, NO "WHOO-HOOING."
NO "WHOO-HOOING."
WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
UH…
I FOOLED AROUND WITH JOEY'S SISTER.
WELL, THAT'S NOT THE WORST PART.
WHAT IS THE WORST PART?
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH SISTER.
YOU SEE WHAT MEN DO?
DON'T TELL ME MEN ARE NICE.
THIS IS MEN!
ARE YOU INSANE?
JOEY'S ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL YOU DEAD.
OKAY. YOU DON'T THINK I THOUGHT OF THAT?
HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHICH ONE?
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
I MEAN, WAS IT GINA?
WHICH ONE IS GINA?
THE DARK… BIG HAIR, AIRPLANE EARRINGS.
THAT'S NOT GINA. THAT'S DINA.
YOU SEE?
YOU CAN'T TELL WHICH IS WHICH EITHER. THWA!
BUT WE DIDN'T FOOL AROUND
WITH ANY OF THEM. THWA! THWA!
VERONICA. LOOK, IT'S GOT TO BE VERONICA…
THE GIRL IN THE RED SKIRT.
I DEFINITELY STUCK MY TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT.
THAT WAS ME.
LOOK, WHEN I'VE BEEN DRINKING
SOMETIMES I TEND TO GET A LITTLE OVERLY FRIENDLY
AND I'M, I'M SORRY.
THAT'S OKAY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S OKAY.
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
HEY, JOEY.
COME ON.
WHY CAN'T WE TALK IN HERE?
W-WITH WITNESSES?
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MY SISTER.
UH, WHICH, WHICH ONE?
MARY ANGELA.
WHICH ONE IS SHE AGAIN?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK CHANDLER
'CAUSE HE'S THE ONE
WHO FOOLED AROUND WITH HER.
YOU SAID YOU COULD REALLY FALL FOR HER.
NOW, IS THAT TRUE
OR ARE YOU JUST GETTING OVER JANICE
BY GROPING MY SISTER?
IT'S GOT TO BE THE FIRST ONE.
REALLY?
THAT'S GREAT!
YUP, I'M IN A TREE.
DID HE CALL?
DID MARK CALL?
NO, HONEY, I'M SORRY
BUT THE WEEKEND'S NOT OVER.
OH, MY GOD, IS THAT PHOEBE?
GUESS THEY'RE BACK FROM THEIR DATE.
MUSIC.
VERY NICE.
OH, MY GOD.
SO, HOW ARE YOU?
I AM GOOD.
I FINISHED MY BOOK.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A WALK?
YEAH.
"DEAR MARY ANGELA:
"HI. HOW'S IT GOING?
THIS IS THE HARDEST LETTER I'VE EVER HAD TO WRITE."
WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HOW DO YOU THINK JOEY'LL REACT
TO BLOWING OFF HIS SISTER WITH A LETTER?
THAT'S THE PART WHERE YOU TELL HIM
THAT I MOVED TO FRANCE.
WHEN ACTUALLY I'LL BE IN CUBA.
LOOK, LOOK, YOU'VE GOT TO DO THIS YOURSELF, OKAY?
IN PERSON.
AT LEAST YOU KNOW HER NAME.
YOU JUST GO TO THE HOUSE
AND YOU ASK FOR MARY ANGELA.
WHEN WHICHEVER ONE SHE IS COMES TO THE DOOR
YOU TAKE HER FOR A WALK, YOU LET HER DOWN EASY.
OKAY. WHAT IF MARY ANGELA COMES TO THE DOOR
AND I ASK FOR MARY ANGELA?
WHERE IN CUBA?
JOEY, WH-WH-UH, WH-WH-UH, W-W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WAITING FOR MY GRANDMA TO FINISH MY LAUNDRY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I'M, UH, I'M HERE TO SEE MARY ANGELA.
YOU ARE SO THE MAN.
COME ON.
NOW, LOOK, LISTEN. LISTEN.
YOU GOT TO BE COOL
'CAUSE MY GRANDMA DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT YOU TWO YET
AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO TICK HER OFF.
SHE WAS, LIKE, THE SIXTH PERSON
TO SPIT ON MUSSOLINI'S HANGING BODY.
WHERE'S MARY ANGELA?
SHE'S RIGHT IN THERE.
CHANDLER! HEY, CHANDLER!
HEY! HEY, CHANDLER!
MARK DIDN'T CALL.
IT'S SUNDAY NIGHT AND HE DIDN'T CALL.
BUMMER.
YEAH, RIGHT.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE PRACTICALLY GIDDY.
NO, I'M GENUINELY SORRY THE MARK THING DIDN'T WORK OUT.
LOOK, RACH, I WANT ONLY GOOD THINGS FOR YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL MARK?
WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO SIT HERE AND WAIT FOR HIM?
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE STUFF HAPPEN.
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SEEM TOO PUSHY.
HE GAVE HER HIS HOME NUMBER.
WHA… HE GAVE YOU HIS HOME NUMBER
AS IN, LIKE, TO, TO HIS HOME?
AND YOU WON'T MIND IF I CALL
BECAUSE YOU ONLY WANT GOOD THINGS FOR ME.
THAT'S RIGHT… GOOD THINGS.
THAT-THAT IS WHAT I SAID.
HELLO, MARK?
HI, IT'S RACHEL GREEN.
OH, NO, DON'T YOU APOLOGIZE.
YEAH, I'LL HOLD.
HE LEFT MY NUMBER AT WORK.
HE WAS GOING TO GET IT
BUT HE WAS HELPING HIS NIECE WITH HER REPORT
ON THE PIONEERS.
THAT IS SO MADE UP.
YEAH. OH, MY GOD, TOMORROW?
NO, IT'S PERFECT.
OH, GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GREAT. BYE.
OH! I GOT THE INTERVIEW.
OH, YAY! THERE YOU GO.
HE EVEN OFFERED TO MEET ME FOR LUNCH
AND PREP ME FOR IT.
OH, THAT IS AMAZING!
YEAH. WELL, IF I KNOW MARK… AND I THINK I DO…
I'D EXPECT NOTHING LESS.
I GOT TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR.
HIGH COLLAR AND BAGGY PANTS SAY "I'M A PRO."
YEAH, RIGHT.
OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
WHOO-HOO!
YOU GO GET 'EM.
WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?
DID I HURT YOU IN SOME WAY?
WHAT?
"WHY DON'T YOU CALL HIM?"
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU KNOW, NOW HE'S GOING TO PREP HER.
YOU KNOW, PREP HER
AS IN WHAT YOU DO
BEFORE YOU SURGICALLY REMOVE THE BOYFRIEND!
ARE YOU CRAZY?
AM I? AM I?
AM I OUT OF MY MIND?
AM I LO-O-OSING MY SENSES?
THIS DREAMY GUY IS TAKING MY GIRLFRIEND OUT FOR A MEAL.
ROSS, YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT SOMETHING WONDERFUL
HAPPENING FOR RACHEL.
EVEN IF YOU'RE RIGHT…
WHAT IF HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HER?
DOES THAT MEAN HE GETS TO?
DON'T YOU TRUST HER?
WELL… YEAH, I…
THEN GET OVER YOURSELF.
GROW UP.
YOU GROW UP.
THIS TIRAMISU IS, IS, IS EXCELLENT.
DID YOU MAKE IT, MARY ANGELA?
NO, I DID.
WELL, I-I-IT'S YUMMY.
SO, UH
MARY ANGELA… DO YOU LIKE IT?
OF COURSE.
IT'S HER FAVORITE.
SO, UM… MARY ANGELA, WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE?
MORE OF GRANDMA'S TIRAMISU.
OH, WOULD YOU JUST PLEASE…?
GIVE ME THE RECIPE 'CAUSE THIS IS GREAT.
IT'S TOPNOTCH.
THAT DIES WITH ME.
SO WILL I.
EXCUSE YOURSELF AND GO TO THE BATHROOM.
OH, NO, NO, NO, I WAS JUST SQUINTING.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
JUST DO IT.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?
I HAVE TO, UM…
HEY…
FINALLY! I THOUGHT WE'D NEVER BE ALONE.
CAN I JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING?
I HAVE NOT STOPPED THINKING ABOUT YOU
SINCE THE PARTY.
LOOK, I MAY HAVE JUMPED THE GUN HERE.
UH…
I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP
AND I'M NOT REALLY IN A…
IN A COMMITMENT KIND OF PLACE.
SO? ME NEITHER.
GOD, MARY ANGELA WAS RIGHT.
YOU DO HAVE THE SOFTEST LIPS.
YOU'RE NOT MARY ANGELA?
NO! I'M MARY THERESE.
THIS IS SO BAD.
IF, IF YOU'RE NOT MARY ANGELA
THEN, UH, THEN WHO IS?
I AM.
OH, IT'S SO BAD.
JOEY!
NO JOEY! NO JOEY! NO JOEY!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU'RE IT.
NOW, RUN AND HIDE.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
CHANDLER WAS JUST KISSING ME
'CAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS MARY ANGELA.
WHAT?
HOW COULD YOU THINK SHE WAS MARY ANGELA?
I WASN'T SURE WHICH ONE MARY ANGELA WAS.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, OKAY?
I WAS REALLY DRUNK
AND YOU GUYS ALL LOOK REALLY SIMILAR.
PUNCH HIM, JOEY.
YEAH!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE SHOULD ALL CALM DOWN
BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER'S NOT GOING TO PUNCH ME.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, THAT'S USUALLY WHAT I WOULD DO, BUT…
I JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE
ON THE RECEIVING END OF IT.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?
JOEY, IF YOU WANT TO PUNCH ME, GO AHEAD.
I DESERVE IT
BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I WOULD NEVER SOBERLY HURT YOU OR YOUR FAMILY.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN.
SO WHAT?
I SAY PUNCH HIM.
YEAH! PUNCH HIM!
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO PUNCH CHANDLER.
I'LL DO IT.
NO, YOU WON'T.
LOOK, HE KNOWS HE DID A TERRIBLE THING
AND I BELIEVE HIM.
HE'S SORRY.
BUT YOU GOT ONE MORE APOLOGY TO MAKE.
YOU GOT TO APOLOGIZE TO MARY ANGELA.
OKAY. ABSOLUTELY.
YOU GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
COOKIE, NOW YOU CAN PUNCH HIM.
WHAT?
HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU KNOW, THIS BUILDING'S ON MY PAPER ROUTE, SO, UH…
OH…! HI.
HOW DID IT GO?
WELL, THE WOMAN
I INTERVIEWED WITH WAS TOUGH
BUT THANK GOD MARK COACHED ME
BECAUSE ONCE I STARTED TALKING ABOUT THE FALL LINE
SHE GOT ALL HAPPY AND WOULDN'T SHUT UP.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
ME, TOO!
LISTEN, I'M, UH…
I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN SO CRAZY AND JEALOUS AND…
IT'S JUST I LIKE YOU A LOT, SO…
I KNOW.
YEAH? YEAH.
RACHEL. HI.
I JUST TALKED TO JOANNA
AND SHE LOVES YOU.
YOU'VE GOT IT.
YOU GOT THE JOB.
OH…! I DID?
YES.
OH, MY GOD!
CONGRATU…
WOW.
…LATIONS.
PHOEBE, HOW WAS YOUR DATE?
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, I DO KNOW.
UGH. YOU WERE EAVESDROPPING?
EAVESDROPPING? PHEEBS, THE CEILING TILES
WERE FALLING DOWN.
OH, I'M SORRY…
BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY
AND I THINK HE REALLY HAPPENS TO LIKE ME.
MAYBE HE'S JUST JUMPING
ON A POGO STICK AND REALLY LIKES IT.
MAYBE THE POGO STICK LIKES IT, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
HE CANNOT DO THIS TO PHOEBE.
THIS GUY'S GOING TO GET THE BUTT-KICKING OF A LIFETIME.
BUT… IS HE A BIG GUY?
UH, WE'LL ALL GO UP.
COME ON.
THANKS, YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU.
GOD… I HOPE THEY KICK HIS ASS.
HONEY, I'M SORRY.
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION
HE DID SOUND LIKE HE WAS HAVING MORE FUN WITH YOU.