ALL RIGHT.
I SUPPOSE I CAN WAIT A DAY.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING FRIDAY?
WHY?
I NEED YOU TO COME TO THIS BACHELOR PARTY
FOR MY WEIRD COUSIN ALBERT.
YOU KNOW, HE'S THE BOTANIST.
OH, GOD.
BOTANISTS ARE SUCH GEEKS.
YEAH.
THAT A DINOSAUR TIE?
HMM? OH, YEAH.
GOOD MORNING.
RACH, I'M HERE WITH THE PURSES.
MUST TAKE YOU FOREVER TO FIND YOUR KEYS.
THANK YOU, PHEEBES.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, PLEASE, WANT
THE ONE WITH THE TURTLES.
TURTLES SCARE ME.
I DON'T NEED THAT TODAY.
HONEY, JUST RELAX.
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
HEY, WHY DON'T I COME DOWN THERE AND I'LL TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH?
OH, HONEY, THANK YOU, BUT MARK'S TAKING ME OUT.
MARK?
IS THAT THE SAME MARK THAT HELPED YOU GET THE JOB?
YEAH. IT'S LIKE A GOOD-LUCK- ON-YOUR-FIRST-DAY THING.
IS THIS ACTUALLY A LUNCH BOX?
UM, NO. IT'S A PURSE
AND THERE'S A THERMOS IN IT.
OH!
HEY, SO, CAN YOU MAKE IT ON FRIDAY?
WHAT?
YEAH, I THINK SO.
WHY AM I INVITED TO THIS AGAIN?
APPARENTLY, ALBERT HAS NO FRIENDS.
HE'S VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE BACHELOR PARTY.
I THINK ACTUALLY THE ONLY REASON HE'S GETTING MARRIED
IS SO HE CAN SEE A STRIPPER.
A STRIPPER AT A BACHELOR PARTY.
THAT IS SO CLICHE.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GET A MAGICIAN?
WELL, IF THE MAGICIAN CAN OPEN MY BEER
WITH HIS BUTT CHEEKS, THEN ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S HAVING LUNCH WITH HIM? LUNCH?
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE HUG HE GAVE HER
WHEN SHE GOT THE JOB
AND-AND-AND HE'S REALLY GOOD LOOKING.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING.
KEEP IT INSIDE.
LEARN HOW TO HIDE YOUR FEELINGS
AND DON'T CRY OUT LOUD.
YES!
GUESS WHO HAS AN AUDITION FOR A BROADWAY MUSICAL?
I WANT TO SAY YOU
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE SUCH AN EASY ANSWER.
IT IS ME.
IT'S A MUSICAL VERSION OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES
SO I THINK I'M GOING TO SING "NEW YORK, NEW YORK"
AND, UH… OH!
"I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO."
UH, JOEY
I DON'T THINK YOU GET TO PICK THE CITIES.
WHAT?
MR. DICKENS GETS TO PICK THEM.
WHO?
I'LL GET YOU THE CLIFF NOTES.
THE WHAT?
THE ABRIDGEMENT.
OH, OKAY.
THE WHAT?
139
THE INVOICE NUMBER.
AND THE SHIPPING DATE.
GOOD. ANY QUESTIONS SO FAR?
YEAH. WHAT KIND OF DISCOUNT DO WE GET?
TWENTY PERCENT.
OH! I LOVE THIS JOB.
WHOO! MY FIRST CALL.
HERE, LET ME. OKAY.
RACHEL GREEN'S LINE.
HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
HI. IS RACHEL THERE?
AND WHO MAY I SAY IS CALLING?
This is Ross.
ROSS OF…?
OF ROSS AND RACHEL.
OH, HI.
IT'S MARK.
OH, HEY, MARK.
Hey. Hey, hold on a second.
OKAY.
It's Ross.
HI, HONEY.
Hi.
WHAT, UH, WHAT'S MARK DOING ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?
Oh, he's just goofing around.
OH, THAT'S-THAT'S FUNNY.
WHY ISN'T HE GOOFING AROUND IN HIS OWN OFFICE?
HONEY, THIS IS HIS OFFICE, TOO.
I TOLD YOU… WE'RE JOANNA'S TWO ASSISTANTS.
WHY DOES JOANNA NEED TWO ASSISTANTS?
HOW LAZY IS SHE?
OH. OH, MY GOD!
WHAT DID I JUST DO?
I THINK I JUST SHIPPED 3,000 BRAS TO PERSONNEL.
HONEY, I GOT TO GO.
MARK, I NEED YOU!
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
Ow! Ross.
OH, I'M-I'M-I'M SORRY, SWEETIE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO, UH…
I WAS DIALING ANOTHER NUMBER.
ALL RIGHT
I JUST GOT CHANGED IN 30 SECONDS
SO YOU COULD BE ALONE WITH HIM.
YOU BETTER GO FOR IT.
PLEASE. I'M NOT GOING FOR ANYTHING.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T, I WILL.
WOULD YOU PLEASE GO?
NIGHT, MON.
NIGHT, JULIO.
ADIOS.
LOOK, JULIO.
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR BOOK HERE.
ACTUALLY, THAT IS MINE.
OH, YEAH?
YES.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU READING?
FLOWERS OF EVIL BY BAUDELAIRE.
HAVE YOU READ IT?
HAVE I READ IT.
NO.
ARE YOU ENJOYING IT?
I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD
BUT THE TRANSLATION'S NO GOOD.
YOU'RE A POET AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT.
ACTUALLY, I, UH…
I AM A POET.
OH.
SO YOU DO KNOW IT.
SO, UH…
WHAT KIND OF THINGS DO YOU WRITE ABOUT?
THINGS THAT MOVE ME.
THE SHADOW OF A TREE.
A CHILD LAUGHING…
OR THIS LIP.
MINE?
RIGHT HERE?
YES.
I COULD WRITE AN EPIC POEM ABOUT…
THIS LIP.
HOW WOULD THAT GO?
WELL, IT DIDN'T RHYME
BUT I LIKED IT.
LOVELY.
JUST LOVELY.
REALLY? THANKS.
JOEY, WE DEFINITELY WANT TO SEE YOU
FOR THE CALLBACK ON SATURDAY.
EXCELLENT.
I'LL BE THERE.
OKAY
AND LISTEN, DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR JAZZ SHOES
FOR THE DANCE AUDITION.
MY, UH, MY AGENT SAID THAT IT WASN'T A DANCING PART.
OH, JOEY, ALL THE ROLES GOT TO DANCE A LITTLE
BUT BELIEVE ME, WITH YOUR DANCE BACKGROUND
IT'LL BE A PIECE OF CAKE.
"THREE YEARS OF MODERN DANCE WITH TWYLA THARP"?
FIVE YEARS WITH THE AMERICAN BALLET THEATER?
HEY, EVERYBODY LIES ON THEIR RESUME, OKAY?
I WASN'T ONE OF THE ZOOM KIDS EITHER.
GOD!
WELL, CAN YOU, LIKE, DANCE AT ALL?
YEAH, I CAN DANCE.
YOU KNOW…
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!
WHAT-WHAT IS THAT?
SURE, IT LOOKS STUPID NOW.
THERE'S NO MUSIC PLAYING.
ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO GET THAT
BUT NO, NO.
HELLO?
HI.
YEAH, UM, LISTEN, I'M IN NEED OF A STRIPPER
AND I WAS TOLD THAT YOU DO THAT.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
THAT DO YOU DO FOR THE EXTRA HUNDRED?
SO WOULD I… WOULD I HAVE TO PROVIDE THE GRAPES?
HI.
OOH! HOW WAS LAST NIGHT WITH JULIO, SENORITA?
HE IS SO AMAZING.
HE'S SO SEXY AND SMART
WHICH MAKES HIM EVEN SEXIER.
LOOK, I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.
LAST NIGHT, WE WERE FOOLING AROUND
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE STOPS TO WRITE A POEM.
GET OUT.
I COULDN'T STOP IF A METEOR HIT ME.
OKAY, WE HAVE OUR STRIPPER…
A MISS CRYSTAL CHANDELIER.
WELL, SURE, YOU NAME A KID THAT
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT THEM TO GROW UP TO BE?
ANYWAY, WHEN HE LEFT
HE FORGOT TO TAKE THE POEM WITH HIM.
NOW, I AM TOTALLY DENSE ABOUT POETRY, BUT…
I THINK THIS IS PRETTY GOOD, ALL RIGHT?
CHECK IT OUT.
"THE EMPTY VASE.
TRANSLUCENT BEAUTY…"
TO YOURSELF.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
OH, GOOD.
I THINK SO, TOO. PHEEB?
OH, YEAH.
I'M GLAD YOU GUYS LIKE IT. YAY.
I GOT TO GET TO WORK.
OH. I'M NOT DONE.
WELL, JUST GIVE IT BACK WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH.
SEE YOU GUYS.
BYE-BYE.
BYE.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!
POOR MONICA!
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? HE WAS WITH HER WHEN HE WROTE THIS POEM.
LOOK. "MY VESSEL SO LOVELY WITH NOTHING INSIDE.
NOW THAT I'VE TOUCHED YOU, YOU SEEM EMPTIER STILL."
HE THINKS MONICA'S EMPTY.
SHE'S THE EMPTY VASE.
YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S WHAT HE MEANT?
TOTALLY. OH, GOD.
OH, SHE SEEMED SO HAPPY, TOO
DONE.
DO YOU HAVE THE RALPH LAUREN FILE?
OH, YEAH. SURE.
IT'S, UH, RIGHT…
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S, UH, FROM ROSS.
IT'S A LOVE BUG.
WOW.
SOMEBODY WANTS PEOPLE TO KNOW YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT HE'S DOING.
HE'S JUST REALLY ROMANTIC.
EXCUSE ME
ARE YOU RACHEL GREEN?
YES, I AM.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
I'M HURT.
I'M ACTUALLY HURT THAT YOU WOULD THINK
I WOULD SEND YOU ANY OF THOSE THINGS
OUT OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN LOVE.
HURT. HURT.
ALL RIGHT, ROSS.
I GET IT. YOU'RE HURT.
CAN'T A GUY SEND A BARBERSHOP QUARTET
TO HIS GIRLFRIEND'S OFFICE ANYMORE?
OH…
OH, PLEASE, ROSS, IT WAS SO OBVIOUS.
IT WAS LIKE YOU WERE MARKING YOUR TERRITORY.
I MEAN, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE JUST COME IN
AND PEED ALL AROUND MY DESK.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
LOOK, I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, OKAY?
MARK EXPLAINED IT ALL TO ME.
HE SAID THIS IS WHAT YOU GUYS DO.
YEAH, WELL, IF, IF, IF MARK SAID THAT
THEN MARK'S AN IDIOT.
MARK'S A GENIUS.
WHY? HOW IS HE A GENIUS?
LOOK, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
INSTEAD OF HITTING ON HER RIGHT AWAY
HE'S BECOMING HER CONFIDANTE.
NOW, HE'S GOING TO BE THE GUY
SHE GOES TO TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOU.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
WHY DON'T YOU SEND HER A MUSICAL BUG?
OH, NO. YOU ALREADY DID THAT.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THERE YOURSELF, NOW.
MAKE A FEW SURPRISE VISITS.
I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS.
FINE. JUST SIT HERE AND TALK TO US.
MEANWHILE, SHE IS TALKING TO HIM ABOUT YOU
AND HE'S BEING MR. JOE SENSITIVE
AND SHE STARTS THINKING, "MAYBE THIS GUY IS FOR ME
BECAUSE HE UNDERSTANDS ME."
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, SHE'S WITH HIM
AND YOU'LL BE ALL, "OH, MAN," AND HE'LL BE ALL, "YES."
HUH?
AND US, WE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, DUDE."
OKAY?
AND PRETTY SOON, YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HI."
AND, AND, AND, "WELL, I CAN'T GO.
RACHEL AND MARK MIGHT BE THERE."
AND WE'LL BE LIKE, "MAN, GET OVER IT.
IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS."
HE PAINTS QUITE A PICTURE, DOESN'T HE?
HERE'S THE SHELLY SEGAL STUFF FOR DECEMBER.
OH, WAIT, I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.
OH. MARK.
IT'S OKAY. RACHEL KNOWS.
YEAH, BUT EVEN SO.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST…
I'M JUST CRAZY ABOUT YOU.
OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.
OKAY, OKAY
I KNOW I'M LIKE MR. INAPPROPRIATE TODAY
BUT IT'S JUST SO TOUGH.
I MEAN, I SEE YOU WALKING AROUND
AND I JUST WANT TO TOUCH YOU AND HOLD YOU.
COME ON,
NO ONE'S AROUND.
JUST KISS ME.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
GET OFF OF HER!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.
ROSS!
I HAVE BEEN DOWN IN YOUR STORE
FOR TWENTY MINUTES TRYING TO GET A TIE.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME SERVICE?
HI, RACH, UH…
UH, JOEY?
JOEY TRIBBIANI?
LISTEN, JOEY, I GOT A PROBLEM.
I JUST GOT A CALL FROM MY DANCE CAPTAIN.
HE'S HAVING A RELATIONSHIP CRISIS
AND CAN'T GET OUT OF LONG ISLAND.
SO DOES THAT MEAN THE AUDITION'S OFF?
LISTEN, JOEY
SEEING AS YOU'VE GOT THE MOST EXPERIENCE
I WANT YOU TO TAKE THESE DANCERS
AND TEACH THEM THE COMBINATION.
WHAT?
AW, JOEY, COME ON.
IT'S EASY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S HAND HAND, HEAD, HEAD, UP
PAS DE BOURREE, PAS DE BOURREE
BIG TURN HERE, RONDE DES CHAMPS
CESSANT, CESSANT
SLIDE BACK, TOUCH, STEP-STEP AND…
JAZZ HANDS.
IT'S A STEPITY-STEP AND JAZZ HANDS.
HAVE FUN.
BYE.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU WRAPPING?
OH, LOOK WHAT I GOT JULIO.
YEAH. IT'S A VASE.
YEAH.
JUST LIKE THE ONE IN THE POEM.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE IN THE POEM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID THAT YOU
WERE REALLY DENSE ABOUT POETRY?
OH.
SO I'M JUST AN EMPTY VASE, HUH?
WHAT?
SO I DON'T READ AS MANY BOOKS AS YOU DO
AND I DON'T WRITE "TRICK POEMS" THAT SEEM TO BE ABOUT ONE THING
BUT ARE ACTUALLY ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
I GET EXCITED ABOUT STUPID STUFF…
LIKE WHEN MY PEOPLE MAGAZINE COMES ON SATURDAY
AND THE NEW "HOLD EVERYTHING" CATALOG…
BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I'M EMPTY.
I CARE ABOUT MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO MAKE THAT KIND OF JUDGMENT…
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
THE POEM IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
WHAT?
"THE EMPTY VASE" IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
MY BABY, PRECIOSA.
YOU MAKE ME SO SAD
THAT YOU WOULD THINK THIS.
I'M SORRY, IT'S…
MY FRIEND PHOEBE SAID…
NO. IT'S…
IT'S ABOUT ALL WOMEN.
WELL, ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.
YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?
AW… YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.
NO, NO, NO…
WHAT WAS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S THE BEST I COULD GET OUT OF THEM.
WELL, PEOPLE.
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, PEOPLE.
LET'S TRY IT AGAIN
AND THIS TIME, LET'S EVERYBODY
WATCH JOEY.
SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE.
COUNT IT OFF, LARRY.
DID YOU HAVE FUN
AT THE BACHELOR PARTY LAST NIGHT?
OH, YEAH. LOOK WHAT I GOT.
SEE? SHE'S FULLY DRESSED, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
AND THEN YOU CLICK IT AND, UH-OH, SHE'S NAKED
AND THEN YOU CLICK IT AGAIN AND SHE'S DRESSED.
SHE'S A BUSINESS WOMAN.
SHE'S WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
SHE'S WINDOW SHOPPING AND, OH, OH, OH…
SHE'S NAKED.
HI.
HELLO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GOING TO SPEND SOME ALONE TIME
WITH THE PEN.
I'M SORRY.
I WAS AN IDIOT.
BIG IDIOT.
A BIG IDIOT.
WHAT YOU HAVE TO REALIZE IS
THIS WHOLE MARK THING IS REALLY HARD FOR ME.
WHY IS IT HARD?
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW.
WELL, I WAS WITH CAROL FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS
AND I LOST HER
AND NOW, IF IT'S POSSIBLE
I THINK I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE.
SO IT'S HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE
THAT I'M NOT GOING TO…
WELL, THAT SOMEONE ELSE
ISN'T GOING TO TAKE YOU AWAY.
LET IT BE ME. LET IT BE ME.
HONEY…
THAT'S VERY SWEET.
IT JUST SEEMS TO ME, THOUGH
THAT IF TWO PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER
AND TRUST EACH OTHER, LIKE WE DO
THERE'S NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS.
I GOT TO GET GOING.
BYE, CHANDLER.
OKAY, ROSS. LISTEN, THIS PEN'S GETTING KIND OF BORING
SO CAN YOU PICK ME UP SOME PORN?
WHERE YOU GOING?
TO PICK UP BEN.
WE'VE GOT A PLAY-DATE THIS AFTERNOON.
OH. WITH WHO?
JUST THIS WOMAN I MET LAST NIGHT AT THE PARTY.
THERE WAS A WOMAN AT…?
THE STRIPPER?
YEAH.
YOU HAVE A PLAY-DATE WITH A STRIPPER?
MAN, I GOT TO GET A KID.
UH, YEAH.
YEAH. WE STARTED TALKING
AFTER SHE, YOU KNOW, DID HER THING
AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S GOT A BOY ABOUT BEN'S AGE
SO WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE KIDS TO GYMBOREE CLASS.
IS THAT OKAY?
SURE. IS SHE MARRIED?
UH, NO.
HUH.
ARE YOU JEALOUS?
NO.
YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T SEE WHY SHE HAS
TO PLAY WITH YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I MEAN DOESN'T SHE, YOU KNOW
HAVE ANY OTHER STRIPPER-MOM FRIENDS OF HER OWN?
YOU ARE TOTALLY JEALOUS.
I'M NOT JEALOUS, ALL RIGHT?
THIS IS ABOUT…
UH, PEOPLE FEELING CERTAIN THINGS…
YOU KNOW, ABOUT…
STRIPPERS
AND, YOU KNOW, AND, UH…
HONEY, I LOVE YOU, TOO.
BYE.
WAIT.
WHAT?
WELL, THERE'S A KISS HE WON'T FORGET FOR A FEW HOURS.
YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
EITHER THAT, OR YOU JUST TURNED HIM ON
AND SENT HIM OFF TO A STRIPPER.
IS THERE A JULIO HERE?
I AM JULIO.
NO ONE LIKES A BUTT-MUNCH.