I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL MY DAD BACK TWO HOURS AGO.
YEAH, HE CLICKED ON.
HE SAID CALL HIM WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.
HE'S AT FLIMBY'S.
WHAT'S FLIMBY'S?
OH, YEAH, THAT'S THE WORD I USE
WHEN I CAN'T REMEMBER
THE REAL THING.
OKAY, HANG UP.
THAT'S IT. COME ON.
NO, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT ME TO DO.
MY WARRANTY EXPIRES TOMORROW.
IF I DON'T GET THROUGH, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO FIX
MY CRAPPY, BROKEN PHONE FOR FREE.
WE CANNOT LET THEM WIN.
IT'S US VERSUS THEM.
YES!
HEY.
LISTEN, I GOT TO DOUBLE-CHECK FOR TICKETS TONIGHT.
I HAVE ONE. I HAVE ONE.
I NEED TWO.
I'M BRINGING PETE
MY BOYFRIEND.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW.
TWO IT IS.
ROSS, HOW ABOUT YOU?
UH, YEAH, I, UH… I ALSO NEED TWO.
REALLY?
WHO'S NUMBER TWO?
WHOSE NUMBER TWO?
ONE OF THE MORE DIFFICULT GAMES SEWER WORKERS PLAY.
NO, IT'S JUST THIS PERSON.
LIKE A DATE TYPE OF PERSON?
YEAH, KIND OF.
IT'S THIS WOMAN FROM WORK.
I HOPE THAT WON'T BE TOO WEIRD.
WILL IT, RACH?
NO.
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO BRING SOMEONE MYSELF.
BUT YOU SAID ONE TICKET.
I MEANT ME PLUS ONE.
OKAY, DID YOU GUYS MEAN YOU PLUS ONE?
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.
OKAY.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
BYE-BYE.
OKAY, I NEED A DATE.
OH, HEY, YOU GUYS ARE FINALLY GOING
TO GET TO MEET KATE.
I BORROWED SOME OF YOUR COLOGNE.
I HOPE SHE LIKES IT.
THIS IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
SHE'S SEEING SOMEBODY.
YEAH, AND I DON'T HAVE ANY COLOGNE.
GREEN BOTTLE NEXT TO THE SHAVING CREAM.
OH, WORM MEDICINE FOR THE DUCK.
HERE YOU GO.
YOU CAN WEAR THIS.
THANKS. OKAY.
OH, I'M SETTING THE PHONE DOWN.
BUT I'M STILL HERE.
JUST DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
I'M STILL HERE.
DON'T SWITCH OR ANYTHING, 'CAUSE I'M RIGHT HERE.
JUST ONE SEC.
ONE SEC.
ONE SECOND!
WAIT! ONE SECOND!
PHOEBE?
WHAT, MONICA?
I'M SCARED!
HONEY, HONEY, THAT'S A SLEEVE.
OKAY?
AND WE ALSO HAVE A SPEAKERPHONE.
Please stay on the line.
Your call is important to us.
YOU'VE GOT TO HANG UP. WE'RE LATE.
Thank you for your patience.
You're the next caller.
YES! YES! I'M THE NEXT CALLER!
YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE ME HANG UP.
HEY.
CAN YOU TAKE A DUCK AND A CHICK TO THE THEATER?
OF COURSE NOT. NO.
OKAY. I JUST WANTED THEM TO HEAR IT FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
HEY, RACH.
OH, HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
UM, SO IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE THE FIRST ONES HERE.
YEAH, LOOKS THAT WAY.
FIRST ONES HERE! WHOO!
YAY!
OH, TOMMY, THIS IS ROSS.
ROSS, TOMMY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
THIS IS CAILIN.
CAILIN…
AND… BREAK.
OKAY.
I THINK I'M GOING TO RUN TO THE LADIES' ROOM.
I'LL JOIN YOU.
I'LL GET OUR SEATS.
OKAY.
SO, UH… WELL, THIS IS… THIS IS AWKWARD.
YEAH?
'CAUSE RACHEL AND I USED TO GO OUT.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OH.
WELL, THEN THIS IS AWKWARD.
SO WHAT DO YOU…?
I THINK WE'RE HERE.
OH. YEAH.
UH… HUH.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M SORRY. I THINK YOU MAY BE IN OUR SEATS.
UM, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
COULD WE TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR TICKET?
SURE.
YEAH, YOU SEE, THIS SAYS D-13 AND…
OH, WELL, I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE…
YOU THOUGHT, HUH?
THAT DIDN'T REALLY WORK OUT TOO WELL FOR YOU
IDIOT!
WHAT ARE YOU… A MORON?
IT SAYS D-13, OKAY?
YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY EVEN NUMBERS.
DOES THAT GIVE YOU SOME CLUE?
UH, THE USHER TOLD US…
THE USHER MUST BE RIGHT.
WHAT, WITH ALL THE TRAINING THEY GO THROUGH.
GET OUT!
HERE!
HEY, MAN, YOU WANT THE AISLE?
NO, I'M GOOD.
THERE HE IS.
THERE'S OUR STAR.
SO, SO, WHAT DID YOU THINK?
ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE PLAY WITH THE TWO NAKED GIRLS
ON THE SEE-SAW.
I WASN'T IN THAT.
I KNOW.
OH, HEY, HEY, KATE.
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO MEET EVERYBODY.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS KATE.
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
SWEETHEART.
HI.
COME.
SO THAT'S THE GIRL YOU LIKE.
I'M TELLING YOU
THIS GUY RACHEL IS WITH IS CRAZY, OKAY?
HE VICIOUSLY SCREAMED AT TOTAL STRANGERS.
I THINK HE'S BAD NEWS.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T LIKE THE GUY RACHEL'S DATING?
WELL, THAT'S ODD.
OH, HEY, LAUREN.
THIS IS KATE'S UNDERSTUDY, LAUREN.
HI. HI.
GOSH, YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.
YEAH. I RAN INTO YOU
IN THE HALLWAY IN YOUR BUILDING.
IT WAS RIGHT AFTER I SLEPT WITH JOEY.
HE DUMPED ME THE NEXT DAY.
SO HOW'D YOU GUYS MEET?
WELL, UH, THE SHORT VERSION IS
I PURSUED HER FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS
THEN I GAVE HER A CHECK FOR $20,000
AND SHE WAS MINE.
YEAH, AND IN THE LONG VERSION
I DUMP HIM FOR TELLING PEOPLE THE SHORT VERSION.
JOEY, SWEETHEART, YOU WERE FABULOUS.
HEY, YOU GUYS, THIS IS MY AGENT, ESTELLE.
HOW DO YOU DO?
OH, YOU TWO GIRLS
WERE OUTSTANDING.
DO THEY HAVE REPRESENTATION?
NO, THEY WEREN'T IN THE PLAY.
WE'RE NOT ACTORS.
OH, WHAT A SHAME.
BECAUSE WITH HER FACE AND HER CHEST
I COULD REALLY PUT SOMETHING TOGETHER.
COULD I BORROW IT?
HI.
REMEMBER ME?
HI.
YEAH… TOMMY'S IN LINE FOR THE BATHROOM
AND SOMEONE JUST CUT IN FRONT OF HIM.
I THINK HE'S GOING TO SNAP.
ROSS, I'M GOING TO GO.
GO? WHY?
I DON'T KNOW.
COULD BE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE STANDING AROUND ALL NIGHT
WAITING FOR SOME GUY
WHO MAY OR MAY NOT SCREAM.
BUT, CAILIN, HE DEFINITELY WILL SCREAM.
GOOD-BYE, ROSS.
UH, UH, ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO, PEOPLE.
BOXING DAY.
"THE LUCILLE LORTEL THEATER…" BUDDA, BUDDA, BUDDA…
A-HA.
"JOEY TRIBBIANI GIVES AN UNEVEN PERFORMANCE.
"BUT MR. TRIBBIANI IS NOT THE WORST THING
IN THIS PRODUCTION."
YES!
"KATE MILLER'S AWKWARD AND MANNERED PORTRAYAL
IS LAUGHABLE."
BUDDA, BUDDA, BUDDA…
A-HA… HERE IT IS.
"THE DIRECTION
BY MARSHALL TOWNEND IS…"
THANK YOU, BOYS AND GIRLS.
YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE.
PLEASE STUFF YOUR TALENTLESS FACES
WITH MY MOTHER'S CRAB CAKES!
EXCUSE ME!
DOES ANYONE MIND IF I SAVE THIS?
HEY.
OH, IS THE PLAY OVER?
YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU?
Thank you for your patience.
You're the next caller.
YOU WERE THE NEXT CALLER FIVE HOURS AGO.
YOU MUST BE GOING CRAZY.
NAH, I KEPT MYSELF BUSY.
OH, OKAY. I PUT YOUR STUFF IN HER ROOM
AND HER STUFF IN YOUR ROOM.
HEY, YOU OKAY?
FABULOUS.
LISTEN, DRAMA CRITICS… THEY'RE NOTHING BUT PEOPLE
WHO COULDN'T MAKE IT AS ACTORS.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
BECOME A DRAMA CRITIC.
I AM HURT!
A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES.
BY THE WAY, HE DUMPED ME TONIGHT
AFTER HE READ MY REVIEW.
OH, CLASSY.
YEP.
I SURE KNOW HOW TO PICK 'EM, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I GAVE UP A PART ON A SOAP FOR THIS?
WOW.
YEAH, I GAVE UP A JOB, TOO.
REALLY? WHAT?
DECLAWING CATS.
HEY, TELL YOU WHAT, LET ME WALK YOU HOME.
WE'LL STOP BY EVERY NEWSSTAND
AND BURN EVER COPY OF THEIR TIMES AND THE POST.
WHY THE POST?
YOU DIDN'T SEE THE POST?
NO. YOU?
NO. WHY?
YOU REALLY THINK
THESE NEWSPAPERS ARE JUST JEALOUS OF ME?
ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE TALENTED AND YOU'RE GOOD-LOOKING.
YOU'RE SWEET AND CUTE.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY THEY TRASHED ME.
WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT?
I DON'T GET YOU.
I MEAN, FIRST YOU HATE ME
THEN YOU SLEEP WITH ME
THEN YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
NOW YOU WANT ME AGAIN?
WHAT? SO YOU NEVER WENT OUT WITH AN ACTRESS BEFORE?
KATE… DO YOU EVEN LIKE ME?
OF COURSE I DO.
SO HOW COME YOU BLEW ME OFF?
YOU KNOW, HOW COME YOU WERE WITH HIM?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST… JUST DO THIS.
I ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK
LIKE THE SMARTEST GUY OR THE MOST TALENTED GUY.
WHY CAN'T I JUST PICK SOMEONE LIKE YOU?
THANKS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I MEAN LIKE THE SWEETEST GUY.
JOEY, YOU'RE JUST SO…
YOU'RE SO…
SO…
OKAY, OKAY.
THERE WE GO.
LET'S GET YOUR FEET UP.
GOOD NIGHT, KATE.
SWEET DREAMS.
I'M GOING TO PUT THIS CAN RIGHT HERE
IN CASE YOU HAVE TO HURL.
Please stay on the line.
Your call is very important to us.
PHEEBS, YOU'VE BEEN UP FOR 24 HOURS.
GO TO SLEEP, HONEY.
THIS ISN'T HEALTHY.
NO. NO, I'M FINE.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE OF ALL THE RIBOFLAVIN.
HEY.
DIDN'T YOU HAVE
THAT OUTFIT ON LAST NIGHT?
YEAH. I STAYED AT KATE'S, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.
OH.
HEY, PHEEBS, WHERE WERE YOU?
I'M SO, SO SORRY, JOEY.
I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO SEE YOUR PLAY.
I SWEAR, YOUR PLAY IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.
YOUR PLAY IS THE NEXT PLAY I'M GOING TO SEE.
ANYWAY, HOW'D IT GO WITH KATE?
AW, IT WAS GREAT. YEAH.
I WALKED HER HOME
AND IT WAS AMAZING HOW MUCH WE CONNECTED, YOU KNOW?
THEN SHE PASSED OUT… BUT THEN SHE WOKE UP.
YEAH, AND WE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT TALKING
AND NOW WE'RE LIKE TOTALLY CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER.
JOEY, YOU HAD THE NIGHT.
WHAT?
WHEN TWO PEOPLE FINALLY REALIZE
THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER AND THEY TALK FOR HOURS
AND THEY LEARN ALL ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.
YOU… YOU THINK?
DID YOU LEARN ABOUT HER FAMILY?
TWO BROTHERS, ONE DIED.
YES!
OH!
THIS IS FROM THE WOMAN AT THE BAR.
OH, HO, HO, HO.
SORRY. SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEBODY ELSE.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
1:00. 1:00.
7:15.
WATCH DOESN'T WORK.
TOMMY'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE SOON.
WE'RE GOING TO LUNCH.
LOOK… LOOK, I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU
BUT… ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE SEEING TOMMY ANYMORE.
YOU DON'T?
NO.
THE GUY IS MEAN… I MEAN, REALLY MEAN.
I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
HMM, OR MAYBE… I SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ALL MEN.
NO. IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE I'M JEALOUS.
I MEAN, I'M NOT.
I'M NOT JEALOUS.
OKAY, IT'S… LOOK, THE GUY… HE SCREAMED.
HE ACTUALLY SCREAMED AT THIS COUPLE SITTING IN OUR SEATS.
YEAH. AND AT THE END OF THE PLAY, HE…
HE GOT UP, YOU KNOW, AND HE JUST STARTED LIKE…
BANGING HIS HANDS TOGETHER.
OKAY, FINE, FINE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME?
NO, THAT'S FINE.
WE'RE KIDDING.
ROSS?
FINE, NO ONE BELIEVES ME.
I'M MR. FUNNY TO YOU.
MR. FUNNY… WHOA!
SORRY, TOM.
WHAT'S IN THE CUP, ROSS?
UM…
WHAT IS IN THE CUP?
OKAY, IT'S COFFEE.
ICED COFFEE?
TELL ME IT'S ICED COFFEE.
IT'S… IT'S HOT.
HOT COFFEE!
YOU IDIOT!
YOU'RE GOING TO SPILL HOT COFFEE ALL OVER ME?
WHAT ARE YOU?
JUST SOME BIG, DUMB, STUPID, DOOFIE IDIOT
WITH A DOOFIE-IDIOT HAIRDO, HUH?
HUH?
DON'T STARE AT ME WITH THAT DOOFIE-IDIOT LOOK!
BIG, RIDICULOUS IDIOT!
GEEZ, I GOT TO GO IN THERE AND TALK TO THOSE PEOPLE!
I'M GOING TO GO IN WITH A HUGE COFFEE STAIN
THAT YOU PUT ON ME?
HEY.
TOMMY.
SAY, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING
ABOUT SUMMER?
OOH, I DON'T KNOW.
PROBABLY THE SMELL OF FRESHLY CUT GRASS.
AW, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
HEY, SORRY.
SORRY I'M LATE. SORRY I'M LATE.
MY DUCK AND MY CHICK HAD A FIGHT.
WE HELD THE CURTAIN FOR YOU, BUDDY. LET'S GO.
VIC, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BABY?
WHERE'S KATE?
SHE GOT A JOB IN L.A.
WHAT?
I'VE BEEN WAITING UP
ALL NIGHT FOR YOU.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, VIC?
OH, UH…
GO TO THE WINDOW.
I WANT TO RUN DOWN TO THE TRUCK
AND SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT DO YOU GOT DOWN THERE, VIC?
WHAT DO YOU GOT UNDER THAT TARP?
WHEN IS SHE LEAVING?
TONIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M COMING UP.
HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I USE THE PHONE?
OH, I…
BUT I… AND I HAVE TO WAIT…
WHY DON'T YOU USE OURS ACROSS THE HALL
BECAUSE SHE… HAS PROBLEMS.
THANKS.
WHOA! WHOA!
SORRY, TOMMY.
I ALMOST SPILLED THIS HOT COFFEE ON YOU.
YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
NO, BUT IT'S… IT'S… IT'S HOT.
ROSS, WOULD YOU JUST STOP IT?
IT'S GETTING REALLY OLD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE BELIEVES ME.
I DO. I BELIEVE YOU.
YOU DO, PHEEBS?
YEAH, BUT I ALSO BELIEVED HER WHEN SHE SAID I WAS NEXT.
OOH, HEY.
HEY, THERE, LITTLE FELLOW.
MR. FUZZY MAN, HOW YOU DOING?
OH.
OOH! EWW!
OW! EWW!
GROSS.
IDIOT!
STUPID, LITTLE, FUZZY
YELLOW CREATURE!
DON'T LOOK AT ME…
"I'M SO CUTE.
I'M A LITTLE CHICK," WHO'S DISGUSTING!
GOD, YOU'RE SO STUPID!
HOW ARE YOU NOT YET EXTINCT?
QUACK, QUACK! QUACK, QUACK!
WHAT ARE QUACKING ABOUT?
DUMB DONALD DODO!
STEP AWAY FROM THE DUCK.
OOH, I'M SORRY, LITTLE MR. CHICKADEE.
SORRY WITH DOODY IN MY HAND!
WELL, I GUESS WE'RE NOT GOING OUT ANYMORE.
MAN!
JOEY…
KATE…
I'M SO GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.
I COULDN'T FIND YOU BEFORE.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT L.A.?
THEY STILL WANT ME FOR GENERAL HOSPITAL.
BUT… WELL, WHAT ABOUT US?
LAST NIGHT WAS WONDERFUL
BUT I-I-I CAN'T STAY HERE JUST FOR YOU.
SO STAY FOR THE MUSEUMS.
I'M SORRY.
JOEY! ON STAGE!
CAN YOU AT LEAST STAY TILL THE END OF THE PLAY?
I MEAN, I'LL GO TO THE AIRPORT WITH YOU.
I WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
WHERE ARE YOU, VIC?
THE FLIGHT'S IN AN HOUR.
I GOT TO GO.
VIC?
VIC…?
VIC?
IN A MINUTE!
SO THIS IS IT, VICTOR?
YEAH.
I GUESS IT IS.
LISTEN, I, UH… I GOT TO SAY GOOD-BYE
AND I GOT TO SAY IT QUICK, 'CAUSE THIS IS KILLING ME.
ONE THING YOU GOT TO KNOW IS THAT…
I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU
BUT YOU GOT THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO NOW
AND… AND SO DO I.
AND SO… I'M GOING TO GET ON THIS SPACESHIP…
…AND I'M GOING TO GO TO BLEARGON 7
IN SEARCH OF ALTERNATIVE FUELS
BUT WHEN I RETURN
200 YEARS FROM NOW, YOU'LL BE LONG GONE.
BUT I WON'T HAVE AGED AT ALL.
SO YOU TELL YOUR GREAT, GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER
TO LOOK ME UP…
BECAUSE, ADRIANNE, BABY
I'M GOING TO WANT TO MEET HER.
SO LONG, VIC.
PHOEBE, IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S A GOOD THING IT'S ONE OF THOSE 801 NUMBERS, RIGHT?
PHOEBE, 800 IS TOLL-FREE.
801 IS UTAH.
NO, NO, NO. IT HAS TO BE 800.
'CAUSE ALL THOSE BIG COMPANIES HAVE 800 NUMBERS, EVERY…
YEAH, EVERY BIG UTAH-BASED COMPANY HAS ONE.
PHOEBE!
SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.
I WILL PAY YOU BACK.
AND YET SHE'S STILL NOT HANGING UP THE PHONE.
HANG IT UP.
HANG UP THE PHONE!
FINE. FINE!
OH…
WHAT?
WELL, I THINK I BROKE IT,
BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT. HERE'S THE NUMBER WHERE YOU CAN CALL.