OR DICK.
HEY.
LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR.
UM… I WAS IN THE SHOWER
AND AS I WAS CLEANSING MYSELF
I, UH… WELL, I FELT SOMETHING.
WAS IT LIKE A SNEEZE, ONLY BETTER?
NO, NO, I MEAN LIKE A THING ON MY BODY.
WELL, WHAT WAS IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S KIND OF IN A PLACE THAT'S NOT…
IT'S NOT VISUALLY ACCESSIBLE TO ME.
AND I WAS HOPING MAYBE YOU GUYS COULD, COULD…
HELP ME OUT.
WHOA! WHOA! NO!
COME ON, YOU GUYS. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
UH-UH-UH!
HEY!
HUH.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
IS IT A MOLE?
NO, IT'S TOO WRINKLY TO BE A MOLE.
IS IT WHAT, A PIMPLE?
NO, IT'S…
FANCIER THAN A PIMPLE.
LOOK, ROSS…
HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S…?
OKAY, WELL, IT'S DEFINITE.
TWO MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.
YEAH. RIGHT.
OKAY, AND THIS IS THE COFFEEHOUSE.
THIS IS WHERE I PLAY MY MUSIC.
GOOD DEAL.
YEAH, AND THESE ARE MY FRIENDS.
PEOPLE, THIS IS VINCE.
VINCE, THE PEOPLE.
HEY.
VINCE IS A FIREMAN.
WOW! HAVE YOU EVER
RESCUED ANYONE FROM A BURNING BUILDING BEFORE?
98 HOT SAVES.
HIGHEST ON THE FORCE.
YOU KNOW, IF JOEY AND I PLAY WITH MATCHES
WE COULD GET YOU UP TO AN EVEN 100.
FIRE SAFETY IS NOT A JOKE, SON.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I KNOW.
LOOK, I'VE GOT TO GO. I'M ON CALL TONIGHT.
SEE YOU SATURDAY. OKAY.
WOW, HE'S CUTE, PHEEBS.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU JUST STARTED DATING THAT KINDERGARTEN TEACHER?
OH, JASON?
YEAH. YEAH, UH-HUH.
WE'RE SEEING EACH OTHER TONIGHT.
PHEEBS, WHAT… PHEEBS?
TWO DATES IN ONE DAY?
THAT'S SO UNLIKE YOU.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
I'M LIKE PLAYING THE FIELD, YOU KNOW.
LIKE JUGGLING TWO GUYS.
I'M SOWING MY WILD OATS.
YOU KNOW, THIS KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW
OAT-SOWING, FIELD-PLAYING JUGGLER.
SO, DO THEY KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER?
DOES A DOG'S LIPS MOVE WHEN HE READS?
OKAY, NO, THEY DON'T KNOW.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY.
WELL? HOW DID IT GO AT THE DOCTOR'S?
WELL, HE SAID THERE'S DEFINITELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
IT'S TOTALLY BENIGN.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
HE COULDN'T EVEN TELL ME.
HE SAID IT WAS JUST SOME SORT OF SKIN ABNORMALITY.
AND THE WORST THING IS HE SAID WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY IT
HE WAS RELUCTANT TO REMOVE IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULD GO TO MY GUY.
'CAUSE WHEN I WENT IN THERE WITH MY THIRD NIPPLE…
HE JUST LOPPED IT RIGHT OFF, YOU KNOW?
SO I GUESS I'M LUCKY.
I MEAN, NOT AS LUCKY AS PEOPLE WHO ARE BORN WITH TWO NIPPLES.
WELL, AT LEAST THEY KNEW WHAT YOURS WAS.
YOURS HAD A NAME. OH!
MAYBE THEY'LL NAME YOURS AFTER YOU.
YOU KNOW, THEY'D CALL IT "THE ROSS."
AND THEN PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE
"OH, HE'S GOT A ROSS."
YEAH, THAT WOULD BE COOL.
PETE'S BREAKING UP WITH ME.
WHAT? WHAT?
YEAH, I JUST CHECKED MY MESSAGES
AND HE SAID WHEN HE GETS BACK FROM ATLANTA
"WE NEED TO TALK."
AND? WELL, THAT'S IT.
PEOPLE NEVER SAY "WE NEED TO TALK"
UNLESS IT'S SOMETHING BAD.
THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN
HE'S BREAKING UP WITH YOU.
REALLY?
YEAH, MAYBE HE JUST CHEATED ON YOU.
AND I KNOW I'LL NEVER GET RICH DOING IT
BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU IT'S PRETTY COOL KNOWING
THAT YOU'RE MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN A KID'S LIFE.
THAT IS SO GREAT.
I…
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!
UH, WE BETTER CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
NO! NO! NO? NO?
WELL, WE DON'T… WE DON'T NEED A FIREMAN.
WE… NEED, LIKE, A GOOD MECHANIC.
OH, MY GOD! HERE THEY COME.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHY?
LOOK, IF I WANTED TO SEE A FIREMAN
I WOULD DATE ONE, OKAY?
YEAH, THAT'S ALL IT IS. A THIRD NIPPLE.
JUST YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL THIRD NIPPLE.
YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF.
JUST SLICE THAT BABY RIGHT OFF.
TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AND LET'S SEE WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST SHOWING YOU MY RUN-OF-THE-MILL
SLICE-IT-RIGHT-OFF THIRD NIPPLE.
WELL, THAT'S NOT A THIRD NIPPLE.
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S ON YOUR ASS.
WELL, THEN, WHAT IS IT?
WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD IT.
JOHNSON, WILL YOU COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT? I'M WITH HAMILTON.
HE'S GOOD WITH WEIRD THINGS. BRING HIM IN, TOO.
I'VE GOT TO GO WATER PETE'S PLANTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF HE'S GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME
MAYBE I WON'T WATER HIS PLANTS.
IF HE'S GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU
MAYBE JOEY AND I SHOULD WATER HIS PLANTS.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
OR…
WE COULD GO OVER THERE AND PEE ON THEM.
I CAN'T TAKE IT, YOU KNOW?
I'M ALWAYS AFRAID ONE OF THEM
IS GOING TO CATCH ME WITH THE OTHER ONE.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY.
WELL, HONEY, THEN WHY DON'T YOU BREAK UP WITH ONE OF THEM?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT, WHAT HAPPENED TO PLAYING THE FIELD?
WELL, IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE PLAYING ANYMORE.
IT FEELS LIKE WORK.
IT'S LIKE I'M WORKING IN THE FIELD.
SO, PHEEBS, PICK ONE OF THEM.
WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE MORE?
WELL, VINCE IS GREAT, YOU KNOW
'CAUSE HE'S LIKE… HE'S A GUY GUY, YOU KNOW.
HE'S JUST SO BURLY.
SO VERY BURLY.
OKAY, GOOD, SO THERE YOU GO.
GO WITH VINCE.
YEAH, BUT JASON'S REALLY SENSITIVE.
WELL, SENSITIVE IS IMPORTANT. PICK HIM.
YEAH.
OH, SURE, GO WITH THE SISSY.
JASON IS NOT A SISSY.
NO, NO, NO.
I MEANT CHANDLER.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE DINNER PLANS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING ON SUCH A SHORT NOTICE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING MEDICINE FOR 23 YEARS AND…
I'M STUMPED.
AND THIS IS THE DEN. CHECK THIS OUT.
LIGHTS.
WHOA!
ALL RIGHT, LESS LIGHTS.
BAD LIGHTS.
LIGHTS GO AWAY.
SEE, YOU JUST NEED TO FIND THE RIGHT COMMAND.
YEAH. AND THE DIMMER SWITCH.
WHOA.
FOR A RICH GUY, HE'S GOT A PRETTY SMALL TV.
THAT'S THE VIDEO PHONE.
BUT HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
SO PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING.
I-KEA, THIS IS COMFORTABLE.
THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.
GOD, THAT IS THE NICEST KITCHEN. I KNOW.
NO, BUT IT'S THE NICEST KITCHEN.
THE REFRIGERATOR TOLD ME TO HAVE A GREAT DAY.
LOOK AT THIS, A MILLIONAIRE'S CHECKBOOK.
JOEY, PUT THAT DOWN.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S PETE. OKAY, GET OUT.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU ANSWER A VIDEO PHONE?
Monica?
I GUESS THAT'S HOW.
Hey, Monica, how's it going?
OH, IT'S GOOD.
IT'S… IT'S GOOD.
JUST HERE WATERING THE PLANTS.
Don't forget that ficus over there by Rachel.
UH…
CHANDLER'S ON THE COUCH.
I see him.
You guys are the worst hiders ever.
HEY, PETE. HEY, PETE.
HOW YOU DOING? Hey, guys.
UH, PETE, THE OTHER DAY
WHEN YOU SAID YOU NEEDED TO TALK…
JUST SO I KNOW, IS IT GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS?
Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news.
Hold on a second, I have another call.
Hey, how's it going?
NO, IT'S STILL ME.
No, it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here.
Yeah?
I'm going to have to call you back later.
Monica, you… I'll call you back later.
OH, OH, OKAY.
UM, SO I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
Okay, I love you.
I LOVE YOU.
WE LOVE YOU.
OKAY.
WELL, IT'S GOOD NEWS. IT'S GOOD NEWS.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK THE GOOD NEWS IS?
WOW, LOOK AT THIS.
HE WROTE A CHECK FOR $50,000 TO "HUGO LINDGREN RING DESIGN."
OH, SORRY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THE GOOD NEWS IS?
OH, MY.
MONICA'S GOING TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE!
YOU'VE GOT TO GET MOM ON THE PHONE.
CALL MOM! CALL MOM!
Hello?
AND THAT'S PETE'S MOM.
NO. YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT A THEME WEDDING
LOOK HOW MUCH MONEY WE'VE GOT.
YOU KNOW? YOU COULD PUT MONEY IN THE INVITATIONS.
YOU COULD HAVE LIKE LITTLE MONEY PLACE SETTINGS
AND YOU COULD START WITH A MONEY SALAD.
I MEAN, IT'LL BE DRY, BUT PEOPLE WILL LIKE IT.
WOULD YOU STOP?
WE'VE ONLY BEEN GOING OUT A COUPLE WEEKS.
WE DON'T KNOW HE'LL PROPOSE.
BUT PETE'S NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.
ON YOUR FIRST DATE, HE TOOK YOU TO ROME.
FOR MOST GUYS, THAT'S LIKE
A THIRD OR FOURTH DATE KIND OF THING.
WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT IT IS
THEN IT'S… IT'S CRAZY.
MONICA'S RIGHT.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED HERE, OKAY?
SHE CAN'T JUST RUSH INTO THIS.
OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU MARRIED A LESBIAN.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO. I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH VINCE.
OH, SO YOU'RE GOING WITH THE TEACHER, HUH?
YEAH. I LIKE VINCE A LOT, YOU KNOW
BUT JASON IS SO SENSITIVE, YOU KNOW?
IN THE LONG RUN, I THINK SENSITIVE IS BETTER
THAN HAVING JUST LIKE A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NICE…
BODY.
JASON. DEFINITELY JASON.
OKAY, WISH ME LUCK.
GOOD LUCK.
SORRY. I WAS JUST IMAGINING
WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO CATCH THE MONEY BOUQUET.
EXCUSE ME. UM, IS VINCE HERE?
OH, SURE. VINCE!
YO!
WOW. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS ACTUALLY USED THOSE.
SO, WHAT'S UP?
UM… WOW.
THIS-THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE EASY, UM…
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER ANY MORE.
UH-HUH.
GOOD DEAL.
I'M SORRY.
NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.
IT'S JUST THAT, UH…
I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING PRETTY SPECIAL HERE
AND, YOU KNOW, I FELT LIKE YOU WERE SOMEONE
I COULD FINALLY OPEN UP TO
AND… T-THERE'S SO MUCH IN ME I HAVEN'T SHARED WITH YOU YET.
OH, MY GOD, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO…
NO. I'M SORRY, I CAN'T TALK.
I'M GOING TO GO WRITE IN MY JOURNAL.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
I'M TELLING YOU, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE CARE OF THAT THING
YOU SHOULD GO SEE MY HERBAL GUY.
THANK YOU, BUT I WANT TO REMOVE IT.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT SAVORY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN GIRLS SLEEP WITH GUYS
WITH WEIRD THINGS ON THEIR BODY
THEY TELL THEIR FRIENDS ABOUT IT.
GIVE ME THIS.
HI. OKAY, DON'T BE MAD AT ME
BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.
BRIDES MAGAZINES?
YES, AND I KNOW THAT YOU SAID
YOU WOULD SAY NO IF HE ASKED YOU, BUT I'M SORRY.
HOW GREAT WOULD YOU LOOK WALKING DOWN THE AISLE
IN THIS DONNA KARAN?
OH, YOU SO WOULD.
OH, YOU SHOULD GET THAT ANYWAY.
WELL, FOR CLUBBING.
IT IS SO WEIRD.
I KNOW WHAT I SAID, BUT, UM…
THIS MORNING I WAS LYING IN BED.
I WAS, I WAS IMAGINING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO SAY YES.
I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE SUDDEN
AND IT'S A LITTLE RUSHED
AND IT'S TOTALLY NOT LIKE ME
TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS, BUT…
THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T, RIGHT?
I MEAN, I'M-I'M CRAZY ABOUT PETE
AND I-I KNOW THAT WE WANT THE SAME THINGS
AND WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING YES
IT MADE ME REALLY HAPPY.
OH, MY GOD.
I KNOW.
I NEED MORE PIE.
HEY, MON, UM, IF YOU DO GET MARRIED
CAN I BRING TWO GUESTS?
YOU DIDN'T BREAK UP WITH THAT FIREMAN?
NO. THAT WAS MY WAY OF TELLING YOU.
WELL, IT TURNS OUT HE'S INCREDIBLY SENSITIVE.
HE KEEPS A JOURNAL AND HE PAINTS.
HE EVEN SHOWED ME CHARCOAL DRAWINGS THAT HE DREW OF ME.
WOW.
YEAH. WELL, HE'D PREFER WATERCOLORS
BUT HE HAS EASY ACCESS TO A LOT OF CHARCOAL.
SO THEN, ARE YOU GOING TO DUMP JASON?
WELL, YEAH, BECAUSE I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE, AND…
OKAY, SO JASON IS SENSITIVE
BUT, NOW, SO'S VINCE.
PLUS, VINCE HAS THE BODY, YOU KNOW, SO…
IT'S REALLY JUST ABOUT THE MATH.
JASON?
YEAH? COME ON IN.
SO, PHOEBE YOU, UH, SOUNDED KIND OF SERIOUS ON THE PHONE.
IS, UH, IS ANYTHING WRONG?
NUH-UH.
YOU MUST BE ROSS.
HI.
I AM GURU SAJ.
LISTEN, I GOT TO TELL YOU
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A GURU BEFORE, SO…
WELL, RELAX. IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER
I'VE ATTENDED SOME OF THE FINEST MEDICAL SCHOOLS
IN CENTRAL AMERICA.
WELL, THEN, LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS SKIN ABNORMALITY OF YOURS.
COME ON, HAVE A SEAT.
UH-HUH… HUH.
UH-HUH!
AS I SUSPECTED, IT'S A KUNDUS.
WHAT'S A KUNDUS?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S A KUNDUS WITH YOU?
PLEASE, LIE DOWN.
I'VE GOT A SALVE THAT OUGHT TO SHRINK THAT RIGHT UP.
WELL…
I GUESS IT'S WORTH A TRY.
OH, SURE.
WE SHOULD SEE RESULTS… WHOA!
CLEARLY NOT THE WAY TO GO!
WHAT? WHAT?
WE APPEAR TO HAVE ANGERED IT.
WE? WE ANGERED IT?
OH.
I THINK I SEE THE PROBLEM…
AND I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE
A MUCH STRONGER TOOL.
LOVE.
OH, GOD.
ROSS, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY
THIS IS GOING TO COME OFF UNLESS YOU START TO…
OW!
OOPS.
WHAT WAS, WHAT WAS THAT?
WELL, IT'S GONE.
W…? HOW'S THAT?
GOT CAUGHT IN MY WATCH.
HEY…
LIGHTS.
OOH.
UH, ROMANTIC LIGHTS.
OOH, NICE.
SO, UH, THERE WAS THIS THING I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
OH, RIGHT.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
WELL, UH…
I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING
AND I LOOK AT MY LIFE…
YEAH?
AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE CONQUERED THE BUSINESS WORLD
AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE CONQUERED THE INTELLECTUAL WORLD
AND NOW I-I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
WOW.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING MISSING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO CONQUER THE PHYSICAL WORLD.
OKAY.
MONICA…
I WANT TO BECOME
THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPION.
YOU WANT TO WHAT?
I WANT TO BECOME THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPION.
IT'S THE MOST INTENSE PHYSICAL COMPETITION IN THE WORLD.
IT'S BANNED IN 49 STATES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MY TRAINER HOCHI IS TEACHING ME A COMBINATION
OF JEET KUNE DO AND BRAZILIAN STREET FIGHTING.
I EVEN HAD MY OWN OCTAGON TRAINING RING DESIGNED.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU USED A RING DESIGNER FOR THAT?
YEAH.
MONICA, I WANT YOU THERE IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN I WIN.
I WANT YOU CLOSE ENOUGH TO SMELL THE BLOOD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MY PARENTS WILL BE SO HAPPY.
OH, NO. WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
ALL RIGHT, JUST KEEP PLAYING. JUST KEEP PLAYING.
YOU'LL GET THROUGH THIS. YOU'LL BE FINE.
OKAY, THANK YOU…
AND, AS ALWAYS, NO ONE TALK TO ME AFTER THE SHOW.
HEY. HEY.
I WAS PASSING BY AND SAW YOU WERE PLAYING TONIGHT.
IT'S KIND OF COOL SEEING YOU UP THERE.
YEAH, WELL…
WHOA, HEY, HEY, WHOA…
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WHO'S THIS GUY?
I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST STARTED KISSING ME.
GET HIM. GET HIM, VINCE.
WHAT?
YEAH. OKAY
I-I'VE BEEN DATING BOTH OF YOU
AND IT'S BEEN REALLY HORRIBLE
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW
IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN FOR ME.
UM…
BUT I… I LIKE YOU BOTH
AND I, AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE…
SO I'M SORRY. I'M JUST… I'M TERRIBLE.
I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON.
I'M TERRIBLE.
PHOEBE, PHOEBE, RELAX.
IT'S OKAY. I MEAN…
WE NEVER SAID THIS WAS EXCLUSIVE.
YEAH. AND NEITHER DID WE.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.
REALLY?
YEAH. I MEAN, YOU KNOW…
WE HAVEN'T BEEN GOING OUT THAT LONG.
COME ON, WE HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT TOGETHER YET.
YOU HAVEN'T?
YOU HAVE?
OKAY, WELL, THIS IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?
WELL, I MADE YOU
A CANDLELIGHT DINNER IN THE PARK.
YOU KNOW, PHOEBE
I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS REAL EASY FOR YOU.
WELL…
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN REALLY AWKWARD.
YOU MADE HIM A CANDLELIGHT DINNER IN THE PARK?
YEAH, BUT I-I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU.
I'M GOING TO DO THAT FOR YOU.
YEAH. I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER WENT OUT
WITH SOMEBODY WHO WOULD ACTUALLY
HAVE AN OPEN FLAME IN THE MIDDLE OF A WOODED AREA.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, DICK?
HELLO, I AM GURU SAJ.
WHOA!
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A DUCK, RIGHT?
'CAUSE OTHERWISE, THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
YEAH, YEAH. HE'S GOT A REALLY BAD COUGH
AND OUR VET… HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
SO IS THERE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO?
HMM… LET ME SEE.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET HIM TO EAT A BAT?