Okay, so we went to the beach because Phoebe found out about this lady...
who knew her mom and dad...
and I don't really know what happened with that.
- I'm your mother. - Huh?
Monica joked that she wouldn't go out with a guy like Chandler.
- Hi there. He couldn't let it go.
I don't really know what happened with that. And then Ross' new girlfriend shows up...
and Rachel convinced her to shave her head.
And then Ross and Rachel kiss.
And now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl.
And I don't know what happened there either.
You know what? Hold on. Let me go get Chandler.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hey.
Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.
Aw.
- Thanks a million. - Oh, you're welcome a million.
- Okay, I'll be in our room. - Uh.
Oh, my God.
I know.
- Okay, I gotta go. - Whoa. What? Why?
Uh, I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Here? Now?
Well, yeah, I can't stay here all night.
And if I go in there, she's gonna want to...
do stuff.
Can't you just tell here that you are not in the mood?
No, she likes that.
Ha, ha. Yeah, faking sleep doesn't work either.
I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...
- Oh. - Oh, okay.
- Ha, ha. Yeah, why am I telling you? - I don't know. Ha, ha.
Uh, uh...
- It wasn't every morning... - Oh, making it worse.
Okay.
So I guess you'd like to know how it all happened.
I mean, well, I think I can figure it out.
I guess, you know, I was born...
and then everyone started lying their asses off.
No, no, it wasn't like that.
I mean, remember how I told you how Lily and Frank and I, we were close?
Well, we were very close.
How close?
Well, the three of us, we were kind of a, um... A couple.
- I don't even know how that would work. - Well, we...
I'm not asking.
Well, anyhow, somehow I got pregnant...
and I was...
scared. I was stupid and selfish and...
I was 18 years old.
I mean, you remember what it was like to be 18 years old, don't you?
Yeah. Let's see, my mom had killed herself and my dad had run off.
And I was living in a gremlin with a guy named Cindy, who talked to his hand.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world.
I didn't even hear about your mom and dad till a couple of years ago.
And by then, you were already grown-up.
I don't know. You're here and I would really...
I would like to get to know you.
Yeah, well, everybody does. Ha, ha.
I'm a really cool person.
And you know, you had 29 years to find that out...
but you didn't even try.
You know what? You walked out on me, and I'm gonna do the same to you.
- Wait. - Okay? I don't ever want to see you again.
Where's my purse?
Shoot. We're out of soda.
Oh, I'll go out and get you some.
- Really? - No, because I'm not your boyfriend.
Hey, Pheebs, how'd it go?
Huh. Well, ahem...
My mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth mom.
I found a dried-up seahorse.
Sweetie, what are you talking about?
Oh, my new mom, who's a big fat abandoner.
Oh, wait, Pheebs.
Wait a second. Don't you want to stay here and talk about it?
No. I just... I wanna...
I need to be alone.
- Monica. - Oh.
It's over.
- Oh. Was it awful? - Well, it was long.
I didn't even realize how late it was...
till I noticed the five o'clock shadow on her head.
Anyway, she didn't want to stay. I called a cab. She just left.
I wrote you a letter.
Oh, thank you. Ha, ha.
I like mail.
There's just some things I've been thinking about.
You know, things about us.
And before we can even think about the two of us getting back together...
I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.
- Okay. Heh. - Okay.
Well, it's...
It's 5:30 in the morning. Heh.
So I'd better get cracking on this baby.
So I'll be waiting for you. Just come up when you're done.
Okay. I'll be up...
in 18 pages.
Front and back.
Very exciting.
Oh, oh.
Hey.
What happened to you? Why didn't you come up?
Done.
- You just finished? - Well, I wanted to be thorough.
I mean, this is clearly very, very important to you. To us.
And so I wanted to read every word carefully.
Twice.
So, um...
Does it?
I'm sorry?
Does it?
Yeah, I wanted to give that whole "Does it?" part just another glance.
What are you talking about, Ross? You just said that you read it twice.
Look, you know what? It either does or doesn't. And if you have to think...
No, Rach. No, I don't have to think about it. I don't.
Uh, in fact...
I've decided. I have decided...
that it...
does.
- Are you sure? - Oh, sure, I'm sure.
All right. There's a nuclear holocaust. I'm the last man on earth.
Would you go out with me?
Ehh.
I've got canned goods.
Hey, you guys, take a look at this.
Check this baby out. Dug me a hole.
Excellent hole, Joe.
Oh, no, no. My hole.
Ow! My foot. Ow!
What? What is it?
Jellyfish sting. Ow, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
Well, can we help you, take you back to the house?
Oh, it's, like, two miles.
Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole.
Damn the jellyfish.
Damn all the jellyfish.
We've gotta do something.
There's only one thing you can do.
What? What is it?
You're gonna have to pee on it.
What? Gross.
Don't blame me. I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
You know what? He's right. There's something like ammonia in that...
that kills the pain.
Well, forget it. It doesn't hurt that bad!
If you want some privacy, you can use my hole.
Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here.
Oh.
Are you...?
Are you?
Oh, that's so great.
Ooh, not for Bonnie.
But for you, yay, aah.
- Hey. How was the beach?
- Nothing. I don't know. - Uh, let's not worry about it.
What happened? - Nothing.
- I'm gonna take a shower. Me too.
Okay, I'm gonna put this in the car.
Oh, I have to go pack. Oh!
- And it really does? - It does.
It really and truly does.
Oh.
It so does not.
She wants me to take responsibility...
for everything that went wrong in our relationship.
I mean, she goes on for five pages about how I was unfaithful to her.
We were on a break!
Oh, my God. If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you.
All right, fine.
But this breakup was not all my fault. And she says here:
"If you accept full responsibility..." Full responsibility.
"... I can begin to trust you again.
Does that seem like something you can do? Does it?"
No?
Look, Ross, you have what you want. You're back with Rachel.
You're gonna wreck the best thing that ever happened to you.
Yeah, I know. I know, you're right.
Yeah, I guess I'll let it go.
But you understand how hard it is to forget about this?
Sure, it's hard to forget...
but that doesn't mean you have to talk about it.
A lot of things happened on that trip...
that we should never, ever talk about.
What the hell happened on that beach?
It's between us and the sea, Ross.
- Hi, Ursula. - Hey.
Okay, well, um, I know that we haven't talked in a long time.
But, um, okay, our mom is not our birth mom.
This other lady is our birth mom.
Right, okay, the one that lives in Montauk. Mm-hm.
You know her?
No. I, um... I read about her in Mom's suicide note.
There was a suicide note?
Well, do you still have it?
Hang on.
I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note.
Yeah, so how have you been doing?
I... Shut up.
"Goodbye, Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss you.
P.S. Your mom lives in Montauk."
You just wrote this.
Well, it's pretty much the gist.
Except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
No.
All right. Hang on.
Pass the cheese, please.
Ugh.
My God, you can't even look at me, can you?
No.
Yay, it's Phoebe. We can talk to Phoebe.
No, I'm too depressed to talk.
I'll give you $1000 to talk to us.
Hey, you guys...
what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
No.
All right, that's it, you guys. What happened out there?
What? We took a walk. Nothing happened.
I came back with nothing all over me.
- Come on, what happened? Joey? - What does that mean?
- All right. - No.
Joey, we swore we'd never tell.
They'll never understand.
But we have to say something.
We have to get it out. It's eating me alive.
- Monica got stung by a jellyfish. - All right.
All right.
I got stung.
Stung bad.
I couldn't stand. I...
I couldn't walk.
We were two miles from the house.
We were scared and alone.
We didn't think we could make it.
I was in too much pain.
And I was tired from digging the huge hole.
And then Joey remembered something.
I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Wait a minute, I saw that.
On the Discovery Channel. Yeah, about jellyfish and how if you...
Ew.
You peed on yourself?
Ew.
You can't say that. You don't know.
I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain.
Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...
bend that way.
So...
Ew.
That's right. I stepped up.
She's my friend and she needed help.
If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
Only, uh, I couldn't.
I got the stage fright.
I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure...
so I, uh... I turned to Chandler.
Joey kept screaming at me, "Do it now. Do it. Do it. Do it now."
Sometimes, late at night, I can still hear the screaming.
That's because, sometimes, I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
And fuchsia and mauve
Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, and I invite all of you to count the colors in your bedroom.
Except for you. You go away.
I'll go in a second.
I just want to tell you...
that there hasn't been a day when I didn't regret giving you up.
Okay, bye.
No, I'm not done.
I just want you to know, the reason I never looked you up was because...
well, I was afraid that you'd react...
just, well, like the way you're reacting now.
Can't we just, you know, start from here? Please?
No.
Okay.
Sorry.
But just one last thing.
You know, you came looking for family.
I'm family.
I'm it.
Well, now I'm done.
Yeah, but it's not like we're losing anything, you know?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's not like we know each other or anything or that have anything in common.
Oh, I don't know. I mean, it's not like we don't have anything in common.
I mean, I like, uh, pizza.
I... I like pizza.
You do?
Wait, I like, um, the Beatles.
Oh, my God. So do I!
I knew it. Wow.
Wait, wait, wait. Puppies. Cute or ugly?
- Oh, so cute. - Oh!
- Well? Ha, ha. - You see?
But I'm still... I'm mad at you.
I know.
I'm mad at me too.
Well, um, do you want to get something to eat?
Because I'm kind of hungry.
Hey. Me too.
All right, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out.
Aw, I missed you.
I missed you too.
Oh, I was so nervous about that letter.
But the way you owned up to everything...
it just showed me how much you've grown, you know?
I suppose.
No. You have, Ross. You have. You should give yourself credit.
I mean, my mom never thought this would work out.
Heh. She was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
- Mm-hm. - Oh.
I just wish we hadn't lost those four months.
But if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
We were on a break!
- Coffeehouse? - You bet.
And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship.
Yeah, you and that girl from the copy place...
which yesterday you took full responsibility for.
I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay?
I didn't finish the whole letter.
- What? - I fell asleep.
You fell asleep?
Yeah, it was 5:30 in the morning.
And you had rambled on for 18 pages.
Front and back!
Oh, oh, oh. And by the way.
"Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E" means "you are."
"Y-O-U-R" means "your."
I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you.
We are so over.
Fine by me!
Oh, and hey, hey, hey.
Those spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights...
playing Scrabble with Monica.
- Hey. - Sorry.
I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss, wishing you were with me.
Oh, no, no. Don't you worry about me falling asleep.
I still have your letter!
And hey, just so you know, it's not that common.
It doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal!
I knew it!
Gin.
We were playing gin?
You know, if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
- Ha, ha. Would you stop? - Okay.
All right.
Okay, all right. I think you're great.
I think you're sweet and you're smart...
and I love you.
But you will always be the guy who peed on me.