- Hey. - Hey. Wow, it is true what they say:
Pregnant bellies look like a drum.
Ha, ha.
Well, it's just I'm so pregnant that my guitar doesn't fit anymore.
So I thought, till I'm not, I'm gonna play my songs on this drum.
It sounds really cool.
Listen, listen. Ahem. Okay.
Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Wow, Pheebs, that sounds great.
I know, I know! And I've only been playing for, like, an hour.
- Phoebe. Phoebe. Hi. - Hey.
What are you doing here?
Um, actually I came down to ask you a big favor.
Oh, well, don't tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus.
No, no, no. Okay. Now, see. Ahem.
I want to name the girl baby Leslie.
And, um, Frank wants to name one of the boy babies...
Frank Jr., Jr.
Wouldn't that be Frank III?
Don't get me started.
Anyway, um, since there are three babies...
and, um, we both got to put our names in...
we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
Oh, wow.
- That's so nice. Oh, oh! - Ha, ha.
Cougar.
You think about it.
I left a bra drying on the shower rod.
You don't think your son will think it's yours and be traumatized?
Hey, Mommy can have a wife. Daddy can have a bra.
Oh, it's time to go.
Oh, no, no, no. See, that clock's a little fast.
Uh, we still have 17 minutes.
Huh. What can we do in 17 minutes...
twice?
Well, that's ambitious.
- Okay, you can ignore that. - That's Carol with your son.
Uh, believe me, when he's older, he'll understand.
Ross. - I'll be right there.
- Hello. Hello. Hey. - Hi.
Uh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan.
- Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you. - You too.
Susan's gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week.
I'm so excited. I've never been there.
- Oh, well, I'll show you around. Great.
Also, I was hoping to catch a show. So if you can make any suggestions...
Oh, there's tons of terrific stuff.
- I'll go with you. - Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh. Look at you two bonding.
- Making us late for the airport so... - Are you all right?
Oh, he's fine, he's fine. It's just us getting along is difficult for him...
because he doesn't like me.
Ha, ha. Come on. That's...
It's true.
- Hi. - Hey. Hey, do we have a baby name yet?
Ugh, no. It's so hard.
I went through this whole book and found nothing.
I want a name that's really, like, you know, strong and confident.
You know? Like Exxon.
Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.
Oh, oh, Pheebs. You want a strong name? How about The Hulk?
No, I'm not sure about Hulk...
but I like the idea of a name starting with "The."
Well, you want a good name, heh, go with Joey.
Joey's your pal, Joey's your buddy.
Where is everybody? They're hanging out with Joey.
Know what? If you're gonna name him Joey...
you should name him Chandler.
Oh, come on, Chandler's funny, he's sophisticated, and he's very lovable...
once you get to know him.
Hey, Joey's lovable too.
But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he'll be there.
Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, he might be a little late...
but he'll be there. And he'll bring you some cold soda...
if what you need him for is that you're really hot.
What do you say? What do you say?
Well, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love.
And Joey and Chandler are both great names.
All right, I don't...
Maybe I will just name him The Hulk.
I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it. That's what I wanted to name my kid.
Hey, Mon? If you were hoping to sleep with Joshua for the first time tonight...
which one of these would you want to be wearing?
You know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people's sex clothes.
Sorry. I'm just so excited.
I've been waiting for this for months. I got my hair colored.
I got new sheets. I'm making him a very fancy meal.
What am I making him, by the way?
Well, you're making him a frisée salad with goat cheese and pine nuts...
wild rice, roasted asparagus and salmon en croute.
I thought I was making him filet mignon.
Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over.
And then you realized if you bitched about it, then you would stop cooking...
and you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey.
So, uh, Emily called last night.
And now you're giving me the message?
Turns out that Emily is just crazy about Susan.
Yeah. They're going to the theater together.
They're going to dinner.
They're going horseback riding.
God, Susan is so fun.
Look, this is just a little too familiar.
Okay, for, like, six months before Carol and I split up...
all I heard was, "My friend Susan is so smart.
My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great."
You actually think that something could happen between Emily and Susan?
Hey, they're going to the gym together.
Two women...
stretching.
You know, they take a steam together, things get a little playful.
Didn't you see Personal Best?
No, but I'm gonna.
Hi. Hi. You're crazy.
Okay, this is Emily. Emily is straight.
How do you know?
I mean, we thought Carol was straight before I married her.
Yeah, definitely. I don't like the name Ross.
What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
No, no, I just meant for the baby.
Oh.
What's wrong with Ross?
It's just, you know, something like this...
would never happen to The Hulk, you know.
Actually, that's not true.
In The Incredible Hulk, number 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found...
You know, never mind. My girlfriend's a lesbian.
So I decided I'm definitely gonna go with either Joey or Chandler.
- Oh. - Oh, oh, oh.
You gotta pick Joey.
I mean, name one famous person named Chandler.
- Raymond Chandler. - Someone you didn't make up.
Okay, there are no famous Joeys. Except for, heh...
Joey Buttafuoco.
- Yeah, that guy really hurt us. Yeah.
Well, how about a compromise then? Okay, what if it's...
you know, Chan-no-ey?
Okay, look, Joey? Come on, think about it. He'll never be president.
I mean, there's never gonna be a President Joey.
All right, look, I didn't want to bring this up.
But Chandler is the stupidest name I've heard in my life.
It's not even a name. It's barely even a word.
Okay, it's kind of like chandelier but it's not.
All right? It's a stupid, stupid, non-name.
Wow.
You're right. I have a horrible, horrible name.
I'm sorry, man. I didn't... I'm sorry.
So I guess it's Joey, then. I mean...
This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.
Oh. Please. Cooking soothes me.
- So dig in. - All right.
- Well, it all looks so good. - Mm.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I know. My God, this rice is so...
I am so good.
Behind you.
Oh, yeah, sorry. They used to live here, and sometimes they migrate back over.
Is there, uh...? Is there some way that they could, uh, not be here?
It's just that, uh, farm birds really kind of freak me out.
- Yeah. Okay, okay. - Okay, great.
Here we go. Here we go. Whoa.
- Whoa. - Oh, sorry.
There you go.
Hey. How'd you do that?
Come on.
- All gone. - Heh.
So, farm birds, huh?
Yeah, it's my only weird thing, I swear.
And I would have told you about it but I didn't know that they'd be here.
- Oh. - So, uh, ahem.
- Ha, ha. - Okay.
So can I serve you a little...
What, what, what?
Nothing. Uh, it's just that I know that they're still out there.
They're across the hall. I mean, that's two doors away.
It's gonna take them a long time to peck their way back over here.
That's not funny.
- Uh... - Okay, you know...
Would you feel better if we went someplace else?
I mean, we could pack all this stuff up and, you know, go to your apartment.
Oh, they're working on it this week. It's a mess.
But, uh, I'm staying at my parents' house. We could go there.
- Your parents'? - They're out of town.
Oh.
It's a huge place, and it's got this gorgeous view of the park.
It'd be very, very romantic.
- What do you say? - Yeah, that works.
They can smell the fear.
Hey.
How's Ben?
Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat. He said no.
I asked him if he wanted to sleep. He said no.
I asked what he wanted to do. He said no.
So he's sweeping.
Hey, buddy. Hey.
So, um, any word from Susan?
Ooh, yeah, she said she's having so much fun with Emily.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh, by the by, did it ever occur to you that...
I don't know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun?
What's too much fun?
You know, the kind of fun you and Susan had when we were married.
Oh, my God. You are so paranoid.
- Am I? - Yes.
Am I?
I can't speak for Emily...
but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
Uh-huh. Carol, so were we.
All right, just imagine for a moment...
that Susan meets someone, and they really hit it off.
Say they're coming back from the theater...
and they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks.
They're laughing, you know.
Someone innocently touches someone else.
There's electricity.
It's new. It's exciting.
Are you telling me there isn't even the slightest possibility...
of something happening?
- Maybe. - Oh, my God.
I didn't really believe it until you just said it.
None of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me.
Wow. This place is fabulous.
Yeah, let me show you around. This is the downstairs living room.
There's two living rooms?
God, growing up here, this place must have been a real babe magnet.
Yeah, well, it would have been, but, uh, my parents just moved here.
Well, you should know this place is a real babe magnet.
Want to make out?
You know, here's an idea. Why don't I put the food in the fridge...
and we can eat it later?
- That sounds like a plan. - Heh.
Um, is there a place that I could go freshen up?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Um, just down the hall and, uh, second door to your left.
- Oh, hi, darling. - Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?
- Oh, we cut the trip short. - France sucks.
Um, this may be a little weird, but I've got a date here.
Say no more.
We'll just grab some food, take it with us upstairs and be out of your hair.
Oh, that'd be great. So you didn't even get to Italy?
Yep. Sucks.
Hi, you.
Oh, my God.
I know. I can do more than cook.
Uh...
I like her. She seems smart.
Rachel, my parents.
So nice to meet you. Hello, hello.
Oh, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.
What, this? Oh, no. That's not what it is.
Okay, I work in fashion.
See, and this is a real dress, actually.
They're wearing it in Milan.
So part of my job is to wear the clothes and then I see how people respond.
And then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's, so...
And obviously, in this case...
I am going to report back:
"U.S.A. Not ready."
- Maybe in L.A. - Yes.
- There you go. - So have you kids eaten yet?
Well, ahem, we were going to do that after. I mean, um...
- Next. - Well, we're starving.
Why don't we just all go get something to eat?
Yeah, well, ha, ha, no use wasting this baby just lying around the house.
- So we'll go eat. Yeah.
You'll wear that.
We'll be eating and, of course, you'll be wearing that.
Dude, I am sorry about what I said.
Nope, nope, you're right. It is a ridiculous name.
- It's not that bad. - Yes, it is.
From now on, I have no first name.
So you're just Bing?
I have no name.
So, what are we supposed to call you?
Okay, uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me...
Clint.
No way are you cool enough to pull off "Clint."
Okay, so, what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Um, Gene.
It's Clint. It's Clint.
- See you later, Gene. Bye, Gene.
It's Clint. Clint!
What's up with Gene?
- You wore your nightie to dinner? - Oh, yeah.
And the best part though, was when the waiter spilled water down my back.
I jumped up and my boob popped out.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, no.
Yeah, it's all right. I got nice boobs.
So I just picked up a message from Emily.
She and Susan are going to a poetry reading together.
- So? - So?
Poetry?
Susan's gay.
They're being gay together.
- Emily's straight. - Oh, wake up.
Wow.
Carol really messed you up.
Excuse me?
She turned you into this untrusting, crazy, jealous sycophant.
All right, so I don't know what "sycophant" means, but the rest is right.
I don't know what you're talking about. I am not a crazy, jealous person.
Huh.
- What? - She's totally right.
When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark...
and there was nothing going on. - This makes sense.
It does not.
Sure it does. In high school, you weren't jealous at all...
even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you.
All right, so up until '92, '93, he was very trusting.
Then '94 hit, Carol left him, and bam. Paranoid City.
Yeah.
Absolutely, absolutely.
This is so much fun.
This is not fun.
Look, all we're trying to say is...
don't let what happened with Carol ruin what you've got with Emily.
The '92 Ross wouldn't.
I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing, though.
Wha...? Well, you know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian.
Drum roll.
Okay. Okay.
All right.
Help. Am I a Mark or a John?
Ehh, you're not tall enough to be a Mark.
But you might make a good Barney.
All right, look, I am serious.
Tomorrow at 3:30, I'm going to the courthouse.
You're actually going through with this?
Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life.
Okay, it's probably why kids picked on me and why I never do well with women.
So as of 4:00 tomorrow, I'm either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.
You've got problems because of you, not your name.
This has got to stop. Chandler is a great name.
In fact...
Yes.
I'm sorry, I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey.
But... So I'm gonna name the baby Chandler.
Really?
Yeah, but you have to keep the name too.
- Okay, thanks. Okay.
- You want to hug it out? - Yeah.
- Yay, yay. Oh, yay! Yay.
Okay, I'm gonna go tell Frank and Alice right now.
Okay.
- Bye, Pheebs. - Okay, bye.
- Ha, ha. - Oh.
Flight 004 is now arriving at Gate 17.
- Nice luggage. - I was going to say.
- Hey. - Hi.
- I missed you. - Oh, I missed you too.
Thanks for everything, I had a great time.
Oh, so did I.
No tongue.