SINCE WHEN DO YOU TAKE NAPS IN THAT POSITION?
GOD, MONICA, SAY YOU WERE WAITING FOR A GUY.
PLEASE SAY YOU WERE WAITING FOR A GUY.
YES. YES, I WAS.
A GUY.
FROM WORK.
I'M SEEING A GUY FROM WORK!
HA!
OH, THAT CUTE WAITER GUY FROM YOUR RESTAURANT.
THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A NONTHREATENING RAY LIOTTA?
UH-HUH! THAT ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST GIVE ME A SECOND, I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR.
I'M JUST GOING TO GRAB A JACKET.
WHEN I GET BACK, I WANT EVERY LITTLE DETAIL.
MAYBE THAT'S HIM.
OKAY, UM…
IT'S JUST JOEY AND ROSS.
WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS AT THE MOVIE?
WE WERE, BUT ROSS WAS TALKING SO LOUD ON HIS PHONE
THEY THREW US OUT.
I HAD TO TALK LOUD BECAUSE THE MOVIE WAS LOUD.
HE'S TALKING TO LONDON.
OH, MY GOD!
DID HE GET IN TOUCH WITH EMILY?
WELL, NO. NOT YET.
HE'S CALLING EVERYONE ON HER SIDE OF THE FAMILY
HOPING THAT SOMEONE WILL HELP HIM GET IN TOUCH WITH HER.
I DON'T CARE IF I SAID SOME OTHER GIRL'S NAME
YOU PRISSY OLD TWIT!
HEY, ROSS.
WAY TO SUCK UP TO THE FAMILY.
AH… AH…
I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS ARE ALL HERE.
MY OFFICE FINALLY GOT WRINKLE-FREE FAX PAPER!
NO, NO, NO. HEY.
VOMIT TUX. NO, NO. VOMIT TUX.
DON'T WORRY. I HAD IT DRY-CLEANED.
VOMIT TUX?
WHO VOMITED ON…
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT YOU UP TO, JOE?
WELL, THEY'RE DOING THIS TELETHON THING ON TV
AND MY AGENT GOT ME A JOB AS COHOST.
OH, THAT'S GREAT!
A LITTLE GOOD DEED FOR PBS, PLUS SOME TV EXPOSURE.
NOW, THAT'S THE KIND OF MATH JOEY LIKES TO DO.
YUCK! PBS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PBS?
WHAT'S RIGHT WITH THEM?
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PBS, PHEEBS?
OKAY, 'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER MY MOM KILLED HERSELF
I WAS JUST IN THIS REALLY BAD PLACE, YOU KNOW, PERSONALLY.
I JUST THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
IF I WROTE TO SESAME STREET
'CAUSE THEY WERE SO NICE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.
NO ONE EVER WROTE BACK.
WELL, YOU KNOW A LOT OF THOSE MUPPETS DON'T HAVE THUMBS.
ALL I GOT WAS A LOUSY KEY CHAIN
AND BY THAT TIME, I WAS LIVING IN A BOX.
I DIDN'T HAVE KEYS.
I'M SORRY, PHEEBS.
I JUST, YOU KNOW
I JUST WANTED TO DO A GOOD DEED LIKE…
LIKE YOU DID WITH THE BABIES.
THIS ISN'T A GOOD DEED.
YOU JUST WANT TO GET ON TV.
THIS IS TOTALLY SELFISH.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHAT ABOUT YOU HAVING THOSE BABIES FOR YOUR BROTHER?
TALK ABOUT SELFISH.
WHAT… WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT WAS A REALLY NICE THING AND ALL
BUT IT MADE YOU FEEL REALLY GOOD, RIGHT?
YEAH. SO?
WELL, IT MADE YOU FEEL GOOD, SO THAT MAKES IT SELFISH.
LOOK, THERE'S NO UNSELFISH GOOD DEEDS. SORRY.
YES, THERE ARE.
THERE ARE TOTALLY GOOD DEEDS THAT ARE SELFLESS.
WELL, MAY I ASK FOR ONE EXAMPLE?
YEAH, IT'S… YOU KNOW… THERE'S…
NO, YOU MAY NOT.
THAT'S BECAUSE ALL PEOPLE ARE SELFISH.
ARE YOU CALLING ME SELFISH?
ARE YOU CALLING YOU PEOPLE?
YEAH. WELL…
SORRY TO BURST THAT BUBBLE, PHEEBS
BUT SELFLESS GOOD DEEDS DON'T EXIST, OKAY?
AND YOU KNOW THE DEAL ON SANTA CLAUS, RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO FIND A SELFLESS GOOD DEED.
I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU, YOU EVIL GENIUS.
HELLO?
HELLO, ROSS?
EMILY? EM… OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD, IT'S EMILY!
IT'S EMILY, EVERYONE!
SHH! SHH!
HI.
ROSS, I'M ONLY RINGING
TO SAY STOP HARASSING MY RELATIVES. GOOD-BYE.
NO. WAIT, WAIT. LOOK. OKAY, OKAY.
YOU CAN HANG UP, BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP CALLING.
I'M GOING TO CALL EVERYONE IN ENGLAND
IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO GET YOU TO TALK TO ME.
REALLY? ABOUT WHAT?
LOOK, YOU'RE MY WIFE.
WE'RE… WE'RE MARRIED, YOU KNOW.
I… I LOVE YOU. I…
I really miss you.
I MISS YOU, TOO.
Well, at least I think I do.
SHE'S TALKING.
All YEA!
HEY, JOEY, WHEN
YOU SAID THE DEAL WITH SANTA CLAUS, YOU MEANT…
THAT HE DOESN'T EXIST.
RIGHT.
SO, CHANDLER, HAVE YOU HEARD
ABOUT MONICA'S SECRET BOYFRIEND?
UH… YEAH. SHE, UH…
SHE, UH… SHE MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED HIM. YEAH.
SO, MON
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO MEET THIS NEW SECRET WAITER MAN?
OH, HE'S REALLY SHY.
I DON'T THINK HE'S UP TO MEETING EVERYONE YET.
YEAH, I DON'T THINK HE'S UP TO MEETING EVERYONE YET.
I DON'T CARE.
I WANT TO MEET THIS GUY WHO'S THE BEST SEX SHE EVER HAD.
REALLY?
THAT'S WHAT YOU HEARD?
YOU SAID THAT?
I MIGHT HAVE SAID THAT.
WHY IS THAT FUNNY?
BECAUSE I'M VERY
HAPPY FOR HIM.
AND YOU, YOU LUCKY DOG.
HI.
HEY. HI.
WELL, EMILY'S WILLING TO WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S GREAT!
IN LONDON.
WHAT?
SHE WANTS ME TO MOVE TO LONDON.
BUT YOU LIVE HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
WHAT… WHAT… WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I BET IF I TALKED TO CAROL AND SUSAN
I COULD CONVINCE THEM TO MOVE TO LONDON WITH BEN.
YEAH. I'M SURE YOUR EX-WIFE WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY
TO MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
SO YOU CAN PATCH THINGS UP WITH YOUR NEW WIFE.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
HOW YOU DOING?
WELCOME.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THIS WILL BE YOUR PHONE.
THAT'S GREAT, BUT, UH…
I'M NOT REALLY EXPECTING A LOT OF CALLS.
NO, YOU ANSWER IT AND TAKE PLEDGES.
BUT I'M THE HOST.
NO, GARY COLLINS IS THE HOST.
YOU'LL BE ANSWERING THE PHONE.
YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND.
SEE, I WAS DR. DRAKE RAMORAY.
WELL, HERE'S YOUR PHONE, DOCTOR.
I CANNOT BELIEVE I CAN'T FIND
A SELFLESS GOOD DEED.
YOU KNOW THAT REALLY OLD GUY
THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME?
WELL, I SNUCK OVER THERE AND RAKED UP ALL THE LEAVES
ON HIS FRONT STOOP, BUT HE CAUGHT ME
AND FORCE-FED ME CIDER AND COOKIES.
THEN I FELT WONDERFUL.
THAT OLD JACKASS.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE JOEY'S RIGHT.
MAYBE ALL GOOD DEEDS ARE SELFISH.
I WILL FIND A SELFLESS GOOD DEED
BECAUSE I JUST GAVE BIRTH TO THREE CHILDREN
AND I WILL NOT LET THEM BE RAISED
IN A WORLD WHERE JOEY IS RIGHT.
HEY, MONICA?
CAN I ASK YOU A COOKING QUESTION?
SURE.
IF YOU'RE COOKING ON THE STOVE
DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOUR NEW SECRET BOYFRIEND
IS BETTER IN BED THAN RICHARD?
CHANDLER!
IS HE?
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'M GOING TO RESPECT THE PRIVACY
OF MY NEW SECRET BOYFRIEND.
WHY?
I MEAN IF THIS GUY WAS ME
AND IT WAS ME WHO WOULD LEARN
THAT IT WAS ME THAT WAS THE BEST YOU'D EVER HAD
I'D BE GOING LIKE THIS.
ALL RIGHT, EMILY
AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T MOVE TO LONDON WITHOUT BEN.
I UNDERSTAND THAT WOULD BE DIFFICULT.
WOULD YOU PLEASE CONSIDER MOVING HERE?
I MEAN, YOU WERE GOING TO MOVE HERE ANYWAY.
Why can't you just do that?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST…
O-OKAY, OKAY, BUT I KNOW
THAT EVEN THOUGH I'VE BEEN A COMPLETE IDIOT UP TILL NOW
Y-YOU HAVE TO COME HERE.
You have to, so we can work this out together.
ALL RIGHT.
A-ALL RIGHT?
DID YOU JUST SAY ALL RIGHT?
I DID. NOW I'M THE IDIOT.
OH, EMILY, THAT IS SO GREAT!
It's going to be so great!
WE'RE GOING TO BE LIKE, LIKE TWO IDIOTS IN LOVE!
ROSS, THERE'S ONE THING THAT REALLY SCARES ME STILL.
YES, TELL ME.
You have to understand
HOW HUMILIATING IT WAS FOR ME UP ON THAT ALTAR
IN FRONT OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY, ALL MY FRIENDS.
I KNOW. I AM… I AM SO SORRY.
AND THEN, AFTER DECIDING TO FORGIVE YOU
SEEING YOU AT THE AIRPORT, CATCHING OUR PLANE WITH HER.
AGAIN, VERY SORRY.
I MEAN, I CAN'T BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HER.
IT DRIVES ME MAD JUST THINKING OF YOU
BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS HER.
EMILY, THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN RACHEL AND ME.
Okay? I love you.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL COME TO NEW YORK, AND WE'LL TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK.
AH, THAT IS SO GREAT! THAT'S…
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SEE RACHEL ANYMORE.
…SO I ASKED EMILY
IF SHE WOULD COME TO NEW YORK
AND SHE SAID YES.
YES!
NO, NO, NO.
ONLY IF I PROMISED NEVER TO SEE RACHEL AGAIN.
WHAT? YOU CAN'T…
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?
I TOLD HER I'D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE
THIS KIND OF A DECISION?
I'M ACTUALLY ASKING YOU.
WELL, YOU CAN'T JUST NOT SEE RACHEL ANYMORE.
SHE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS.
YEAH, BUT HE
CANNOT NOT SEE EMILY. THAT'S HIS WIFE.
YEAH. RIGHT ON. THAT'S TRUE.
YEAH, BUT
YOU'VE KNOWN RACHEL SINCE HIGH SCHOOL
AND YOU CANNOT JUST CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
NO, YOU CANNOT. THAT'S TRUE.
THANKS FOR THE HELP.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
HELLO.
HEY, MON.
Oh, hey, Joe.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON TV?
SEE, THERE WAS KIND OF A MIX-UP IN MY AGENT'S OFFICE
BUT I'M STILL ON TV AND THAT'S GOOD EXPOSURE.
YOU'RE NOT ON TV.
UH, OKAY.
HOW… HOW ABOUT NOW?
OH…
YEAH! THERE HE IS!
Hello, New York.
Maybe you just like want to put the whole duck in there.
Who cares? You know?
Now, I got the legs…
OH! OH!
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS
TO NEVER WATCH THE COOKING CHANNEL.
HI, CHANDLER.
HEY.
I NEED THAT BROILING PAN
THAT JOEY BORROWED THE OTHER DAY.
OH, THAT WAS YOURS?
MM-HMM.
YEAH, WE USED IT WHEN THE DUCK WAS THROWING UP CATERPILLARS.
WILLIAMS-SONOMA, FALL CATALOG, PAGE 27.
EXPECT IT IN FOUR TO SIX WEEKS.
UM, HEY, UH, JOEY'S GOING TO BE
AT THE TELETHON FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, AND…
WE HAVE THE WHOLE PLACE TO OURSELVES.
YEAH? SO?
WELL, I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D WANT TO BOOK SOME TIME
WITH THE BEST YOU'VE EVER HAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHAMP?
I THINK I'LL PASS.
WHY?
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
PBS TELETHON.
HEY, JOEY, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I FOUND A SELFLESS GOOD DEED.
I WENT DOWN TO THE PARK AND I LET A BEE STING ME.
WHAT? WHAT GOOD IS THAT GOING TO DO ANYBODY?
WELL, IT HELPS THE BEE
LOOK TOUGH IN FRONT OF HIS BEE FRIENDS.
THE BEE IS HAPPY, AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT.
YOU KNOW THE BEE PROBABLY DIED AFTER HE STUNG YOU.
DAMN IT.
BACK ON IN 30 SECONDS, PEOPLE.
HEY, EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU MIND SWITCHING WITH ME? I'M JUST…
OH, NO WAY. I'M IN THE SHOT, MAN.
COME ON, MAN, YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY.
MAN, I'M TAKING PLEDGES HERE, HUH?
AND WE'RE ON
IN THREE, TWO…
WELCOME BACK TO OUR FALL TELETHON.
NOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN ENJOYING
THE PERFORMANCE OF CIRQUE DE SOLEIL
AND YOU'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF THE SAME KIND OF PROGRAMMING
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL IN YOUR PLEDGE
AND AT THAT TIME TELL THE OPERATOR…
ONE OF OUR VOLUNTEERS…
WHAT TYPE OF PROGRAMMING YOU FEEL…
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I CANNOT MAKE THIS DECISION.
IT IS TOO DIFFICULT.
I'M JUST GOING TO LEAVE IT
ENTIRELY UP TO THE GODS OF FATE.
A MAGIC EIGHT BALL?
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS DECISION WITH A TOY.
OH, IT'S NOT A TOY.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
I MEAN, I EITHER KEEP MY WIFE
AND LOSE ONE OF MY… MY BEST FRIENDS
OR I KEEP MY FRIEND AND GET DIVORCED
FOR THE SECOND TIME BEFORE I'M 30.
SO IF ANYONE ELSE HAS… HAS A BETTER SUGGESTION
LET'S HEAR IT, BECAUSE I-I-I GOT NOTHING.
DON'T BE SHY.
ANY SUGGESTION WILL DO.
OKAY, THEN.
HERE WE GO.
MAGIC EIGHT BALL…
SHOULD I NEVER SEE RACHEL AGAIN?
"ASK AGAIN LATER."
LATER
IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
"ASK AGAIN LATER."
WHAT THE HELL!
THIS IS BROKEN!
THE GAME IS BROKEN!
ALL RIGHT, LET ME SEE.
WILL CHANDLER HAVE SEX TONIGHT?
"DON'T COUNT ON IT."
SEEMS LIKE IT WORKS TO ME.
PBS TELETHON.
HEY, PHEEBS.
I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A PLEDGE.
I WOULD LIKE TO DONATE $200.
$200? YOU SURE, PHEEBS?
I MEAN, AFTER WHAT SESAME STREET DID TO YOU?
OH, I'M STILL MAD AT THEM
BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT THEY BRING HAPPINESS TO LOTS OF KIDS
WHOSE MOMS DIDN'T KILL THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, SO BY SUPPORTING THEM
I'M DOING A GOOD THING, BUT I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
SO, THERE, A SELFLESS GOOD DEED.
AND YOU DON'T FEEL A LITTLE GOOD ABOUT DONATING THE MONEY?
NO. IT SUCKS.
I WAS SAVING UP TO BUY A HAMSTER.
A HAMSTER?
THOSE THINGS ARE LIKE TEN BUCKS.
YEAH, NOT THE ONES I HAD MY EYE ON.
It looks like
we have surpassed last year's pledge total.
Thank you, viewers!
And the pledge that did it
was taken by one of our volunteers… Oh, boy
and may I say, one of our sharpest-dressed volunteers…
Mr. Joseph Tribbiani.
OH, LOOK!
LOOK! JOEY'S ON TV.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
HEY, MY PLEDGE GOT JOEY ON TV.
OH, THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO… OH, NO!
LOOK, MAYBE I GOT CARRIED AWAY BEFORE
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING YOU GOT TO KNOW.
IF I'M THE BEST
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOU MADE ME THE BEST.
KEEP TALKING.
I MEAN, I WAS NOTHING BEFORE YOU.
CALL THE OTHER GIRLS AND ASK.
WHICH WOULDN'T TAKE LONG.
BUT WHEN I'M WITH YOU, AND WE'RE TOGETHER
OH… MY… GOD.
REALLY?
OH… OH… MY… GOD.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU NEVER WANT
TO SLEEP WITH ME AGAIN, BUT THAT WOULD BE WRONG.
WE'RE TOO GOOD.
WE OWE IT TO SEX.
WELL, IF WE OWE IT…
OH!
OH, MY!
WHEN IS JOEY GOING TO BE HOME?
WELL, I WAS KIND OF HOPING
WE COULD DO THIS WITHOUT HIM.
HMM, YEAH.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LEAVE THE GLOVES ON.
BUT I JUST CLEANED THE BATHROOM.
YEAH, WHY DON'T WE LOSE THE GLOVES.
YEAH.
OKAY.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE.
OKAY.
OW!
YOU KNOW THAT WASN'T PART OF IT?
I KNOW.
ALL RIGHT.
HI. YOU READY?
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
FOR WHAT?
FOR STELLA, REMEMBER?
SHE'S GETTING HER GROOVE BACK IN, LIKE, 20 MINUTES.
YEAH, I, UH, TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE A RAIN CHECK?
I'M WAITING FOR A CALL FROM EMILY.
WELL… SURE, I GUESS.
HEY, I HEAR YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO LONDON. YAY.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
THERE'S STILL A LOT OF, UH… RELATIONSHIP STUFF.
LIKE WHAT?
JUST STUFF.
YOU KNOW, UH, KIND OF WHAT EMILY WANTS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.
MAYBE I CAN HELP.
NO. NO, YOU… YOU CAN'T HELP.
I MEAN…
I KIND OF HAVE TO DO THIS WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
WELL, I…
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THAT, TOO.
I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO TALK TO… HI.
THANKS.
ROSS?
LOOK, WHATEVER THIS RELATIONSHIP STUFF IS THAT EMILY WANTS
JUST GIVE IT TO HER.
COME ON, THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT YOU LOVE HER.
SO JUST FIX WHATEVER SHE WANTS FIXED.
JUST DO IT.
I MEAN, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRY.
YOU'LL JUST HATE YOURSELF IF YOU DON'T.
OH, COME ON, ANSWER IT.
IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
HELLO.
HI, SWEETIE.
GOOD.
LOOK, UM…
YES. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT THING YOU…
YOU WANTED ME TO DO, AND, UH…
I CAN DO IT.
SO WILL YOU COME TO NEW YORK?
WHAT?
Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
NOPE.