IT WAS SO GOOD.
I THINK YOU KILLED US.
I COULDN'T POSSIBLY EAT ANOTHER BITE.
I NEED SOMETHING SWEET.
DOES ANYONE WANT TO WATCH TV?
YEAH.
MONICA, YOUR REMOTE DOESN'T WORK.
PHOEBE, YOU HAVE TO LIFT IT AND POINT.
OH.
OH, FORGET IT.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD ALL DO?
WE SHOULD PLAY THAT GAME WHERE EVERYONE SAYS
ONE THING THAT THEY'RE THANKFUL FOR.
OH, I… I AM THANKFUL
FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL FALL WE'VE BEEN HAVING.
THAT'S SWEET, JOEY. VERY NICE.
YEAH, THE OTHER DAY I WAS AT THE BUS STOP
AND THIS LOVELY FALL BREEZE CAME IN OUT OF NOWHERE
AND BLEW THIS CHICK'S SKIRT RIGHT UP.
OH, WHICH REMINDS ME
I'M ALSO THANKFUL FOR THONGS.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT SO MUCH AN UNDERPANT
AS IT IS A FEAT OF ENGINEERING.
IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH THEY CAN DO
WITH SO LITTLE MATERIAL.
YOU KNOW, AND THE WAY THEY PLAY WITH YOUR MIND.
I MEAN, IS IT THERE? IS IT NOT THERE?
ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU'RE STILL TALKING?
IS ANYONE THANKFUL FOR ANYTHING ELSE
BESIDES A THONG?
HUH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PICK.
AM I MORE THANKFUL FOR MY DIVORCE
OR MY EVICTION?
WOW. SEE, AND I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH ANYTHING.
I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THIS IS THE WORST THANKSGIVING EVER.
NO, NO, NO, NO. I AM THE KING OF BAD THANKSGIVINGS.
YOU CAN'T JUST SWOOP IN HERE WITH YOUR BAD MARRIAGE
AND TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.
NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL THE WHOLE STORY
ABOUT HOW YOUR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED AGAIN, ARE YOU?
OH, GOD NO.
NO, NO, COME ON, I WANT TO HEAR IT.
IT WOULDN'T BE THANKSGIVING WITHOUT CHANDLER BUMMING US OUT.
IT'S A TRADITION LIKE THE PARADE…
IF THE PARADE DECIDED IT WAS GAY, MOVED OUT
AND ABANDONED ITS ENTIRE FAMILY.
NOW, CHANDLER, DEAR, JUST BECAUSE
YOUR FATHER AND I ARE GETTING A DIVORCE
DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T LOVE YOU.
IT JUST MEANS HE WOULD RATHER SLEEP
WITH THE HOUSEBOY THAN WITH ME.
MORE TURKEY, MR. CHANDLER?
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOURS IS WORSE.
YOU ARE THE KING OF BAD THANKSGIVINGS.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. I'VE GOT ONE THAT'S WORSE.
REALLY? WORSE THAN "MORE TURKEY, MR. CHANDLER?"
OH, DID THE LITTLE RICH BOY
HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE BUTLER?
YES, MINE'S WORSE.
MORE BANDAGES! MORE BANDAGES!
PLEASE, CAN I GET SOME MORE BANDAGES IN HERE?
THIS MAN IS DYING!
OH, NO.
IN THIS LIFE, PHOEBE.
OH, THIS LIFE. OH, OKAY.
NO, CHANDLER'S IS WORSE.
MAN, IT MUST BE SO COOL,
REMEMBERING STUFF LIKE THAT.
I DON'T HAVE ANY PAST LIFE MEMORIES.
OF COURSE YOU DON'T, SWEETIE.
YOU'RE BRAND NEW.
I KNOW MONICA'S WORST THANKSGIVING.
LET'S NOT TELL THIS STORY.
OH, COME ON.
OH, NO. I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT'S THE ONE WHERE JOEY
GOT MONICA'S TURKEY STUCK ON HIS HEAD.
WHAT? WHAT?
JOEY GOT A TURKEY STUCK ON HIS HEAD?
HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE IT SOUNDS.
IT'S EXACTLY LIKE IT SOUNDS.
HELLO?
PHOEBE?
JOEY? WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, MY GOD!
I KNOW.
IT'S STUCK!
STEP. HOW DID IT GET ON?
I PUT IT ON TO SCARE CHANDLER.
OH, MY GOD!
MONICA'S GOING TO TOTALLY FREAK OUT.
WELL, THEN HELP ME GET IT OFF.
PLUS, IT SMELLS REALLY BAD IN HERE.
OF COURSE IT SMELLS REALLY BAD.
YOU HAVE YOUR HEAD UP A DEAD ANIMAL.
OOH, OH. MONICA.
HEY. HEY.
HEY, DID YOU GET THE TURKEY BASTE…?
OH, MY GOD!
WHO IS THAT?
IT'S JOEY.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?
NO, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY.
WELL, GET THAT OFF NOW.
I CAN'T. IT'S STUCK.
I DON'T CARE. THAT HAS TO FEED 20 PEOPLE AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE
AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO EAT IT OFF YOUR HEAD!
HOLD ON, OKAY?
LET'S JUST ALL THINK.
OKAY, I GOT IT.
PHOEBE, YOU PULL.
I'M GOING TO SPREAD THE LEGS AS WIDE AS I CAN.
JOEY? YEAH.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME.
SORRY. RIGHT. SORRY.
OKAY, ON THE COUNT OF THREE.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
IT WORKED. I SCARED YOU.
I KNEW IT. HA-HA!
I'M OVER HERE, BIG GUY.
YEAH, YOU ARE. YEAH, HA-HA!
I SCARED YOU.
YOU-YOU DID LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
HEY, I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO LOOKED LIKE AN IDIOT, ALL RIGHT?
REMEMBER WHEN ROSS TRIED TO SAY "BUTTERNUT SQUASH"
AND IT CAME OUT…
"SQUATTER NUTBOSH"?
YEAH, THAT'S THE SAME.
WELL, THAT'S IT. THAT'S MY WORST THANKSGIVING.
OH, WAIT. THAT CAN'T BE THE ONE THAT RACHEL WAS TALKING ABOUT
'CAUSE SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT THAT HAPPENED.
OH, RIGHT. WHAT WAS IT?
I-I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TELL THIS STORY.
OH, COME ON, MONICA. RELIVING PAST PAIN AND GETTING DEPRESSED
IS WHAT THANKSGIVING'S ALL ABOUT.
YOU KNOW, FOR ME ANYWAY.
AND, OF COURSE, THE INDIANS.
LOOK, UM, OF ALL PEOPLE
YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO TELL THIS STORY.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
MONICA! I THINK RACHEL IS HERE.
I'LL GET IT!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
NOT FOR ME.
CHIP AND I BROKE UP.
WHY? WHY? WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, YOU KNOW HOW MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN
AND CHIP WAS GOING TO COME OVER?
YEAH, YEAH, AND YOU WERE GOING
TO GIVE HIM, YOU KNOW…
YOUR FLOWER.
OKAY, MONICA, CAN YOU JUST CALL IT "SEX"?
IT REALLY CREEPS ME OUT WHEN YOU CALL IT THAT.
OKAY, AND BY THE WAY, WHILE WE'RE AT IT
A GUY'S THING IS NOT CALLED HIS "TENDERNESS."
BELIEVE ME.
HI. HI, RACHEL.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING. YOU TOO, SWEETHEART.
HEY.
OH, HI.
UH… EVERYONE
THIS IS CHANDLER, MY ROOMMATE
AND LEAD SINGER OF OUR BAND.
ROSS.
OH, THIS IS MONICA.
HI, I'M ROSS'S LITTLE SISTER.
OKAY.
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME, CHANDLER.
WE GOT PLENTY OF FOOD, SO I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.
OH, MOM, CHANDLER HATES THANKSGIVING
AND DOESN'T EAT ANY THANKSGIVING FOOD.
OH. OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT HIM HERE, THEN.
HEY, CHANDLER, UM… IF YOU WANT, I CAN MAKE YOU
SOME MACARONI AND CHEESE FOR DINNER.
WELL, AS LONG AS THE PILGRIMS DIDN'T EAT IT, THEN I'M IN.
DAMN IT.
SO, UH…, RACHE
DOES IT, DOES IT FEEL WEIRD AROUND HERE NOW?
YOU KNOW, SINCE I'VE BEEN AWAY AT COLLEGE?
OH. NO, NOT REALLY.
WELL, THAT'S COOL.
SO DO…?
OH!
I CANNOT BELIEVE CHIP DUMPED ME
FOR THAT SLUT NANCY BRANSON.
I AM NEVER GOING OUT WITH HIM AGAIN, YOU KNOW.
I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH HE BEGS.
I THINK HIS BEGGING DAYS ARE OVER
NOW HE'S GOING OUT WITH NANCY BRANSON.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE JUST HAD IT WITH HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.
THEY'RE JUST… SILLY.
THEY'RE JUST SILLY, STUPID BOYS.
I'M GOING TO START DATING MEN.
UH, I'M SORRY, JUDY.
I COULDN'T FIND THAT BOWL YOU AND JACK WERE LOOKING FOR.
CALL THEM "MOM AND DAD," YOU LOSER.
MONICA!
HEY, CHANDLER…
DID YOU LIKE THE MACARONI AND CHEESE?
OH, YEAH. IT WAS GREAT. YOU SHOULD BE A CHEF.
OKAY.
GUESS WHAT? ALL THIS STUFF
ABOUT NANCY BRANSON BEING A SLUT WAS ALL A RUMOR,
SO CHIP DUMPED HER
AND HE WANTS TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE TONIGHT.
OH, THAT IS SO GREAT!
OH, GOSH, LISTEN.
IF YOU AND CHIP DO IT TONIGHT
PROMISE ME YOU'LL TELL ME EVERYTHING.
OH, TOTALLY, TOTALLY. YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
WE ALREADY KIND OF DID IT ONCE, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW, BUT THIS TIME YOU'RE GOING
TO DEFINITELY KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU DID IT.
I KNOW. OH, AND CHIP PROMISED
THAT-THAT THIS TIME IT WOULD LAST
AT LEAST FOR AN ENTIRE SONG.
SO I'M THINKING OF ASKING RACHEL OUT TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE PLAYING HER THAT SONG
WE WROTE LAST WEEK.
"EMOTIONAL KNAPSACK"? YEAH.
RIGHT ON.
OH, BUT DON'T TAKE TOO LONG, OKAY?
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO TEST OUT
OUR FAKE I.D.s TONIGHT, RIGHT, CLIFFORD ALVEREZ?
LISTEN, ROWLAND CHENG…
IF THINGS GO WELL, I MAY BE OUT WITH HER ALL NIGHT.
DUDE, DON'T DO THAT TO ME.
NO, IT'S COOL. YOU CAN STAY HERE. MY PARENTS WON'T MIND.
NO, IT'S NOT THAT. I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK HERE
ALL NIGHT WITH YOUR FAT SISTER.
HEY.
MONICA, WHY DON'T YOU FINISH OFF THESE PIES?
I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN THE FRIDGE.
NO.
NO, THANK YOU.
WELL, JUDY, YOU DID IT.
SHE'S FINALLY FULL.
I CALLED YOU FAT?
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT.
WELL, I DO.
I'M SO SORRY. I REALLY AM.
BUT, COME ON, I WAS AN IDIOT BACK THEN.
I RUSHED THE STAGE AT A WHAM! CONCERT,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CALLED HER FAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET GEORGE MICHAEL SLAP YOU.
I AM REALLY SORRY.
THAT IS SO TERRIBLE.
I'M SO, SO SORRY.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT THE THANKSGIVING I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
YES, IT WAS. NO, IT WASN'T. IT WAS ACTUALLY…
THANKSGIVING'S OVER. LET'S GET READY FOR CHRISTMAS.
WHO WANTS TO GO GET A CHRISTMAS TREE?
OOH, NO. I HAVE THE CUTEST CHRISTMAS STORY.
BUT WE WANT TO HEAR MONICA'S THANKSGIVING STORY.
FINE. ALL RIGHT. MINE HAD A DWARF
THAT GOT BROKE IN HALF BUT, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
SO, RACHEL, YOUR MOM TELLS ME YOU CHANGED YOUR MAJOR AGAIN.
WELL, YEAH, I HAD TO. THERE WAS NEVER ANY PARKING
BY THE PSYCHOLOGY BUILDING.
HI, RACHEL. OH, HI.
WOW, LOVE YOUR NEW NOSE.
JACK…
WHAT? DR. WILSON'S AN ARTIST.
HE REMOVED MY MOLE CLUSTER.
WANT TO SEE?
I'LL GET IT.
NO, GOD. PLEASE LET ME.
HEY. HEY.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING. HI.
GOD, YOUR HAIR SURE IS DIFFERENT.
YEAH, WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID WE USED TO LOOK.
YEAH.
SO, UH, WHERE'S MONICA?
SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
MONICA, COME DOWN.
EVERYONE'S HERE… ROSS, RACHEL
AND THE BOY WHO HATES THANKSGIVING.
HI, CHANDLER.
OH, MY GOD.
W-W-WHAT'S THE MATTER? IS THERE…
IS THERE SOMETHING ON MY DRESS?
YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT, TERRIFIC.
THAT DRESS, THAT BODY.
DUDE. SORRY.
YES, YES. MONICA IS THIN.
IT'S WONDERFUL,
BUT WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
IS ROSS'S NEW GIRLFRIEND.
OH, MOM.
OKAY. UM, HER NAME IS CAROL
AND SHE'S REALLY PRETTY AND SMART
AND, UH, SHE'S… SHE'S ON THE LACROSSE TEAM
AND THE GOLF TEAM, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
SHE PLAYS FOR BOTH TEAMS.
SO, CHANDLER, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AT DINNER.
DUDE. SORRY.
OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS SO AWESOME.
YOU TOTALLY GOT HIM BACK FOR CALLING YOU FAT.
HE WAS JUST DROOLING ALL OVER YOU.
THAT MUST HAVE FELT SO GREAT.
WELL, IT DIDN'T.
WHAT?
YEAH. I MEAN, YEAH, I LOOK GREAT
AND, YEAH, I FEEL GREAT, AND, YEAH, MY HEART'S
NOT IN TROUBLE ANYMORE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE I GOT HIM BACK, YOU KNOW?
I JUST WANT TO HUMILIATE HIM. I WANT TO…
I WANT HIM TO BE LIKE NAKED AND I WANT TO POINT AT HIM
AND I WANT TO LAUGH.
OKAY.
THAT WE MAY BE ABLE TO DO.
HOW?
WELL, GUYS TEND TO GET NAKED
BEFORE THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX.
WHAT?
I DIDN'T WORK THIS HARD A-A-AND LOSE ALL THIS WEIGHT
JUST SO I COULD GIVE MY FLOWER TO SOMEONE LIKE HIM.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU KEEP CALLING IT THAT
NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO TAKE IT.
AND THEN, SECOND OF ALL
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO MAKE HIM THINK
THAT YOU ARE.
YEAH.
AND THEN WHEN HE'S NAKED, I CAN THROW HIM OUT IN THE FRONT YARD
AND LOCK THE DOOR, AND THEN ALL OUR NEIGHBORS
WILL JUST HUMILIATE HIM.
YEAH, AND THEN YOU WILL DEFINITELY GET HIM BACK.
HOW DO I MAKE HIM THINK I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM?
UH, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
JUST ACT LIKE EVERYTHING AROUND YOU TURNS YOU ON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, LIKE ANYTHING CAN BE SEXY,
LIKE, UM…
OH! OKAY, LIKE THIS… LIKE THIS DISHTOWEL.
OOH… OOH…
THIS FEELS SO GOOD AGAINST MY CHEEK.
AND IF I GET A LITTLE HOT, I CAN JUST DAB MYSELF WITH IT.
OR I CAN BRING IT DOWN TO MY SIDE
AND MAYBE RUN IT THROUGH MY FINGERS
WHILE I TALK TO HIM.
I CAN DO THAT.
YEAH? OKAY, GOOD, GOOD.
HE'S COMING. HE'S COMING.
HEY, WHAT'S UP? HEY.
MONICA, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD MAKE ME
SOME OF THAT RIGHTEOUS MAC 'N' CHEESE
LIKE LAST YEAR.
UH, I'D LOVE TO.
OOH… I LOVE MACARONI AND CHEESE.
I LOVE… I LOVE THE WAY THIS BOX FEELS
AGAINST MY CHEEK.
OKAY.
OH, AND I LOVE CARROTS.
OH…
SOMETIMES I LIKE TO PUT THEM BETWEEN MY FINGERS…
LIKE THIS, AND… AND… AND HOLD THEM DOWN HERE
WHILE I TALK TO YOU.
UM, AN-AN-AND YOU KNOW, IF I GET REALLY HOT?
UM, I-I LIKE TO…
PICK UP THIS KNIFE
AND… AND, UM,
I PUT THE… THE COOL STEEL
AGAINST, UM…
MY BODY.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE. IT'S…
WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE? 20-YEAR-OLD MALE.
HE'S GOT A SEVERED TOE ON HIS RIGHT FOOT.
OW! OW!
COULD YOU PLEASE NOT DO THAT FEET-FIRST?
YOU KNOW WHERE HIS INJURY IS.
SEVERED TOE. YOU JUST SAID IT!
SAYS HERE THE KNIFE WENT RIGHT THROUGH YOUR SHOE.
OF COURSE IT DID. THEY'RE MADE OF WICKER.
DID YOU BRING THE TOE?
OH, YES. I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE ON ICE.
DON'T WORRY, SON, WE'LL JUST REATTACH IT AND THEN…
WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
YOU BROUGHT A CARROT.
WHAT?
THIS ISN'T YOUR TOE. THIS IS A SMALL,
VERY COLD PIECE OF CARROT.
YOU BROUGHT A CARROT?
OH, MY GOD.
THERE'S A TOE IN MY KITCHEN.
GOD, I'M SORRY! I'LL GO BACK AND GET IT!
IT'S TOO LATE. ALL WE CAN DO NOW IS SEW UP THE WOUND.
WITHOUT MY TOE? I NEED MY TOE.
WHAT? NO, NO. I CAN GO REALLY FAST.
DAD, GIVE ME THE KEYS TO YOUR PORSCHE.
OH, I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE.
THAT'S WHY I LOST MY TOE?
BECAUSE I CALLED YOU FAT?
I DIDN'T MEAN TO CUT IT OFF. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
THAT'S WHY, FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR
PEOPLE CALLED ME SIR LIMPS-A-LOT?
I'M SORRY.
IT WASN'T YOUR WHOLE TOE.
YEAH, WELL, I MISS THE TIP.
IT'S THE BEST PART.
IT HAS THE NAIL.
CHANDLER…
SIR LIMPS-A-LOT… I CAME UP WITH THAT.
YOU'RE A DORK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
CHANDLER, I SAID I WAS SORRY.
YEAH? WELL, SORRY DOESN'T BRING BACK
THE LITTLE PIGGY THAT CRIED ALL THE WAY HOME.
I HATE THIS STUPID DAY AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER. OH, WAIT, CHANDLER.
COME HERE. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
ANYTHING?
YEAH, JUST… LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
OH, OH, I'M A DUCK. I GO, "QUACK, QUACK."
I'M HAPPY ALL THE TIME.
NICE TRY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LOOK, MONICA…
THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK.
I BET THIS WILL WORK.
YOU ARE SO GREAT. I LOVE YOU.
WHAT?
NOTHING. I SAID… I SAID, "YOU'RE SO GREAT,"
AND THEN I JUST… I JUST STOPPED TALKING.
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
NO, I DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID.
NO, I DIDN'T.
YOU LOVE ME.
NO, I DON'T!
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
GAUZE! GAUZE!
I NEED TO GET SOME GAUZE IN HERE!
CAN I PLEASE GET SOME MORE GAUZE?
PHEW!
THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS, HUH?
OKAY. ALORS.