OH, LOOK AT THAT. TIME'S UP. MY TURN.
THAT WAS A HALF AN HOUR?
IT'S YOUR TIMER.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG ABOUT IT
BUT I GIVE, LIKE, THE BEST MASSAGES.
ALL RIGHT. THEN MASSAGE ME UP RIGHT NICE.
AH! AH! AH!
IT'S SO GOOD, ISN'T IT?
IT'S SO GOOD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE DONE TO DESERVE IT.
OH, GOD.
SAY GOOD-BYE TO SORE MUSCLES.
GOOD-BYE, MUSCLES.
I'M TELLING YOU, SHE GIVES THE WORST MASSAGES EVER, OKAY?
IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS TORTURING ME FOR INFORMATION
AND I WANTED TO GIVE IT UP.
I JUST… I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
LOOK, CHANDLER, IF IT REALLY HURTS THAT BAD
YOU SHOULD JUST TELL HER.
LOOK. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE
I'M IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP, OKAY?
I'M NOT GOING TO SCREW THAT UP
BY, YOU KNOW, TELLING THE TRUTH.
HEY.
WHOA, DUDE, LOOK OUT.
DUDE, YOU ALMOST CRUSHED MY HAT.
I'M-I'M SORRY.
AND THE BUNNY GOT AWAY.
THIS WOULD BE THE PLACE WHERE YOU EXPLAIN THE HAT.
OH, YEAH.
THERE'S THIS PLAY, RIGHT?
AND I'M UP FOR THE PART OF THIS REAL COOL, LIKE, SUAVE, INTERNATIONAL GUY…
A REAL CLOTHESHORSE.
SO I FIGURE EVERYONE AT THE AUDITION
IS GOING TO BE WEARING THIS KIND OF, YOU KNOW
ULTRA-HIP, HIGH FASHION STUFF.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THEM ALL DISAPPEAR.
YEAH. LIKE YOU COULD FIND SOMETHING
AS SOPHISTICATED AS THIS.
DONE.
JOEY, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD
WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME DOWN TO THE STORE.
I'LL HELP YOU OUT.
OH, GREAT. THANKS, RACH.
SURE. GOD, PLEASE TAKE THOSE OFF.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, PHEEBS, HOW'S IT GOING?
HEY.
WELL, ONLY OKAY
'CAUSE I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M FINE. I'M OKAY, BUT MY GRANDMA SORT OF DIED.
OH, PHEEBS, SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, SHE HAD A REALLY INCREDIBLE LIFE
AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE HER AGAIN, YOU KNOW.
SHE'S GOING TO VISIT.
WELL, MAYBE…
MAYBE SHE'S WITH US RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, RIGHT.
HER FIRST DAY ON A NEW SPIRITUAL PLANE
AND SHE'S GOING TO COME TO THE COFFEEHOUSE.
YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS, I JUST SAW
TWO PEOPLE HAVING SEX IN A CAR RIGHT OUTSIDE.
UH, PHEEBS' GRANDMOTHER JUST DIED.
OH. OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S KIND OF COOL, 'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE…
YOU KNOW, ONE LIFE ENDS AND ANOTHER BEGINS.
NOT THE WAY THEY'RE DOING IT.
WHAT… WHAT HAPPENED?
I'M SORRY. HOW DID SHE DIE?
WELL, OKAY. WE WERE IN THE MARKET
AND SHE BENT DOWN TO GET SOME YOGURT
AND SHE JUST NEVER CAME BACK UP AGAIN.
PHEEBS, I'M SO SORRY.
IT WAS REALLY SWEET.
THE LAST THING SHE SAID TO ME
WAS, "OKAY, DEAR, YOU GO GET THE EGGS
"AND I'M GOING TO GET THE YOGURT
AND WE'LL MEET AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE WILL MEET AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER.
JOEY, YOU KNOW THAT SINCE YOU'RE RETURNING
ALL THIS STUFF AFTER THE AUDITION
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR UNDERWEAR.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, YOU BETTER SHOW ME SOME OF THAT, TOO, THEN.
OKAY. IT'S MISSING SOMETHING.
OH, I KNOW.
UM, OKAY.
REALLY? A PURSE?
IT'S NOT A PURSE.
IT'S A SHOULDER BAG.
LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN'S PURSE.
NO, JOEY. LOOK, TRUST ME.
I'M TELLING YOU, ALL OF THE MEN
ARE CARRYING THEM IN THE SPRING CATALOG.
LOOK. SEE? LOOK. MEN… CARRYING THE BAG.
SEE? LOOK.
WOMEN CARRYING THE BAG.
BUT IT IS ODD HOW A WOMAN'S PURSE
LOOKS SO GOOD ON ME, A MAN.
EXACTLY.
UNISEX.
MAYBE YOU NEED SEX.
I HAD SEX A COUPLE DAYS AGO.
NO, NO, JOEY.
"U-N-I" SEX.
WELL, I AIN'T GONNA SAY "NO" TO THAT.
WHO IS IT?
IT'S PHOEBE.
OH, GREAT.
OH, YOU.
UM, WHAT'S UP?
UM, WELL, I… SORT OF HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
CAN I COME IN?
UM, YEAH. NO, THANKS.
UM… WELL… UM…
GRANDMA DIED TODAY.
WOW.
DIDN'T SHE DIE, LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO?
NO, SHE JUST DIED TODAY.
UM, OKAY. WE'RE HAVING
A MEMORIAL SERVICE TOMORROW.
OKAY. I KNOW I WENT TO THAT ALREADY.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
THEN WHO'S BEEN DEAD FOR FIVE YEARS?
WELL, LOTS OF PEOPLE.
LOOK. ARE YOU COMING
TO THE MEMORIAL SERVICE OR NOT?
UM, NO.
SEE, I ALREADY THOUGHT
SHE WAS DEAD
SO I'VE KIND OF MADE MY PEACE WITH IT.
AND PLUS, I'M GOING TO A CONCERT TOMORROW, SO…
I'D INVITE YOU
BUT I ONLY HAVE TWO TICKETS LEFT.
FINE.
OKAY. ENJOY YOUR CONCERT.
THANKS. ENJOY YOUR FUNERAL.
HEY.
WOW. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR SON, MRS. TRIBBIANI.
WHAT?
ARE YOU REFERRING TO MY MAN'S BAG?
AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT JUST LOOKED GOOD
BUT IT'S PRACTICAL, TOO. CHECK IT OUT.
IT'S GOT COMPARTMENTS FOR ALL YOUR STUFF…
YOUR WALLET, YOUR KEYS, YOUR ADDRESS BOOK…
YOUR MAKEUP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE BAG?
YOUR AUDITION'S NOT TILL TOMORROW.
YEAH, BUT SANDWICH TIME IS RIGHT NOW.
JOEY, YOU KNOW YOU GET ANY MUSTARD ON THAT BAG
YOU CAN'T RETURN IT.
WHY WOULD I RETURN THIS?
I LOVE THIS BAG.
ALL RIGHT. THEN YOU OWE ME $350.
FINE.
DO YOU TAKE VASA OR MOOSTERCARD?
JOEY…
ALL RIGHT. RELAX. LOOK. I'LL PAY YOU
WITH THE MONEY FROM THE ACTING JOB
I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO GET THANKS TO YOU.
WHAT'S THE PART? AUNTIE MAME?
DON'T LISTEN TO THEM.
I THINK IT'S SEXY.
"YOU AND I" SEXY?
OH, HELLO, MRS. PINELLO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.
OKAY. HERE'S YOUR 3-D GLASSES.
AND REVEREND PONG WILL TELL YOU WHEN TO PUT THEM ON.
HI, SWEETIE.
HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?
FINE.
HEY, PHEEBS.
I'M SO SORRY.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY GRANDMA HAD THE EXACT SAME BAG.
HERE. I BROUGHT YOU SOME FLOWERS.
OH, THANKS.
YEAH. PULLING FLOWERS OUT OF IT
MAKES THE BAG LOOK A LOT MORE MASCULINE.
OH, I'M SORRY.
EXCUSE ME. IS THIS THE MEMORIAL?
YEAH. WELCOME.
HELLO.
HERE'S YOUR 3-D GLASSES.
OH… ALL RIGHT.
SO, HOW DID YOU KNOW FRANCES?
WELL, ACTUALLY…
I HADN'T SEEN HER FOR YEARS, BUT, UM…
WELL, I WAS PRETTY TIGHT WITH HER AND HER DAUGHTER.
REALLY? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
FRANK BUFFAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? STRIKE THAT.
MY NAME… ACTUALLY, IS-IS JOE.
UM…
JOE… UH, HILL.
YOU'RE FRANK BUFFAY?
SHH! NO!
JOE HILL!
BUT YOU JUST SAID…
YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT TO GO
AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.
BUT…
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
WHAT, HONEY?
THAT WAS MY DAD.
OH, MY GOD.
HEY, YOU GUYS, CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT.
IT'S LIKE IT'S COMING RIGHT AT ME.
DID YOU CATCH HIM?
UH-HUH.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID, "NICE TO MEET YOU, GLENDA."
WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I COULDN'T GIVE HIM MY REAL NAME.
WHY? WHY NOT?
YOU SAW THE WAY HE RAN OUT OF HERE.
YOU THINK HE'D STICK AROUND
AND TALK TO THE DAUGHTER HE ABANDONED?
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?
I TOLD HIM I WAS THE EXECUTOR PERSON OF FRANCES'S WILL
AND THAT I NEEDED TO TALK TO HIM
SO I'M GOING TO MEET HIM AT THE COFFEEHOUSE LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I JUST CAN'T THINK ABOUT THAT NOW.
I-I JUST WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO MY GRANDMA.
OKAY. LET'S GO SAY GOOD-BYE.
HEY.
I'M OFF TO MY AUDITION.
HOW DO I LOOK?
I THINK YOU LOOK GREAT.
JOEY, THAT BAG IS GOING TO GET YOU THAT PART.
AND A DATE WITH A MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAKE FUN ALL YOU WANT.
THIS IS A GREAT BAG, OKAY?
AND IT'S AS HANDY AS IT IS BECOMING.
NOW, JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING
DOESN'T MAKE IT WRONG, ALL RIGHT?
SO, FROM NOW ON, YOU GUYS ARE GOING
TO HAVE TO GET USED TO THE FACT THAT JOEY COMES WITH A BAG.
I BETTER GO, TOO. I GOT TO GO MEET MY DAD.
PHEEBS, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM WHO YOU ARE?
NO, NOT AT FIRST, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FREAK HIM OUT.
BUT AREN'T YOU PISSED AT HIM?
I MEAN, THIS GUY ABANDONED YOU.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, IF IT WERE ME
THIS GUY WOULD BE IN SOME SERIOUS PHYSICAL DANGER.
I-I-I'D WALK IN THERE…
I'D BE, LIKE, "YO, DAD! YOU AND ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!"
I KIND OF SCARED MYSELF.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU SCARED SOMEONE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
YOU'D THINK I'D BE ANGRY.
I MEAN, YOU'D THINK I'D WANT TO RIP HIS TINY LITTLE HEAD OFF.
FORTUNATELY, I'M PAST IT, SO…
PHOEBE, YOU DO SEEM A LITTLE TENSE.
HERE. LET ME HELP YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
GET OFF!
OW! OH, STOP IT!
WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO ME?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
AS A MASSEUSE AND A HUMAN
I'M BEGGING YOU, NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE.
I GIVE GOOD MASSAGES.
I USED TO GIVE THEM TO RACHEL ALL THE TIME
BEFORE SHE GOT ALLERGIC.
AND CHANDLER…
HE LOVES THEM. WATCH.
HE DOES NOT LIKE IT.
HE HATES IT. HE'S IN PAIN.
NO, HE'S NOT.
YES, HE IS.
WHAT?
I'M SORRY, BUT… OW! OW! OW!
HAVE YOU BEEN LYING TO ME?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THAT.
MAYBE HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.
BUT THE MINUTE WE START TO LIE TO EACH OTHER…
AND BY "WE"
I MEAN SOCIETY…
ANY TIME YOU'RE READY, JOEY.
"WELL, YOU MUST BE NEW HERE.
MAYBE WE GET A TABLE AND I BUY YOU A DRINK."
I'M SORRY.
COULD YOU… COULD YOU TRY IT WITHOUT THE PURSE?
YEAH. SURE.
"WELL, YOU MUST BE NEW HERE.
"MAYBE WE SIT…
I'M SORRY. CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
SURE. WHAT?
WELL, FIRST, IT'S NOT A PURSE.
OKAY. ANY TIME.
I MEAN, IF YOU'RE THINKING IT'S A WOMAN'S BAG, IT'S NOT.
IT'S A MAN'S BAG.
OKAY, AND GO.
LET ME SHOW YOU THE CATALOG.
LOOK. SEE? HUH?
IT'S THE LATEST THING.
EVERYONE'S
MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN.
EVERYONE'S CARRYING THEM.
DO YOU SELL THESE BAGS?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THESE BABIES SELL THEMSELVES.
OKAY. THANK YOU.
THAT WAS GREAT.
YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T EVEN READ ANYTHING.
I THINK WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU.
WE GOT IT, WE GOT IT.
HEY, IS RACHEL HERE?
NO.
LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
ABOUT THIS AFTERNOON
AND THE WHOLE MASSAGE THING, YOU KNOW?
I-I REALLY LIKE THEM.
PLEASE, STOP.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HONEST
WITH EACH OTHER.
I JUST WISH YOU COULD TELL ME.
"I DON'T LIKE YOUR MASSAGES."
I DON'T LIKE YOUR MASSAGES.
SEE? IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
OKAY, BUT NOW, SEE?
YOU'RE CRYING.
I'M NOT CRYING ABOUT THAT.
I'M CRYING ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENED AT WORK.
WHAT?
MY BOYFRIEND SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE MY MASSAGES!
IT'S OKAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THE BEST AT EVERYTHING.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!
OKAY. YOU GIVE THE WORST MASSAGES IN THE WORLD.
I'M CRYING HERE!
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
HEAR ME OUT, OKAY?
YOU GIVE THE BEST BAD MASSAGES, OKAY?
IF ANYBODY WAS LOOKING FOR THE BEST BAD MASSAGE
AND THEY WERE THINKING TO THEMSELVES
"WHO'S THE BEST AT THAT?"
THEY'D HAVE TO GO TO YOU.
HUH.
SO, YOU'RE SAYING THAT, LIKE, UM…
IF THERE WAS AN AWARD FOR THE BEST BAD MASSAGE…
WELL, WHO WOULD GET THAT?
OH, IT WOULD BE YOU.
YOU, MONICA
AND YOU'D GET ALL THE VOTES.
SO, MAYBE THEY COULD, UM, CALL THE AWARD "THE MONICA"?
ABSOLUTELY.
OKAY.
I SUCK.
YEAH.
THANK YOU FOR MEETING WITH ME.
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.
COME SIT.
SIT.
SIT!
UM, ALL RIGHTY.
UM, BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I'D JUST…
I NEED YOU TO STATE
FOR THE, YOU KNOW, OFFICIAL RECORD
THAT YOU ARE, IN FACT, FRANK BUFFAY.
OH, YES. YES, YES, I AM. MM-HMM.
OKAY.
SO…
WHAT DID FRANCES LEAVE ME?
HUH?
THAT'S WHY YOU WANTED ME TO COME, RIGHT?
OH, YES.
YES. YEAH. NO, SHE DID.
SHE LEFT YOU, UM…
THIS LIPSTICK.
OH… HUH.
THAT'S…
OH, IT'S USED.
UH, COOL.
OKAY. I HAVE JUST A FEW QUESTIONS TO ASK
SO I'M GOING TO GET OUT MY OFFICIAL FORMS.
OKAY. SO, QUESTION ONE:
YOU WERE MARRIED TO FRANCES'S DAUGHTER, LILY.
IS THAT CORRECT?
YES. YES, I WAS.
OKAY. UM, QUESTION TWO:
UM, "DID THAT MARRIAGE END, MEDIUM
IN THE TOTAL ABANDONMENT OF HER AND HER TWO CHILDREN?"
IT REALLY SAYS THAT?
YEAH. SEE?
WELL, I GUESS THAT I WOULD HAVE TO SAY "C."
HMM. OKAY.
TOTAL ABANDONMENT, MM-HMM.
OKAY. "REASONS FOR ABANDONMENT."
UM, "A: TOP SECRET AMNESIA
YOU'RE JUST A SELFISH, IRRESPONSIBLE, BAD, BAD MAN?"
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I WANT THE LIPSTICK THAT MUCH
BUT, UH… OH, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR
AND, UM, WOULD YOU GIVE HER DAUGHTER LILY
THAT, PLEASE?
WHAT?
LILY. WHEN YOU SEE LILY
WOULD YOU GIVE HER THAT NOTE
BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK TO HER AT THE MEMORIAL.
WELL, I PICTURED HER GETTING MAD AT ME THE WAY YOU GOT MAD AT ME
AND I CHICKENED OUT, SO I WROTE HER THAT NOTE.
WOULD YOU GIVE IT TO HER, PLEASE?
YOU-YOU-YOU CAME TO SEE LILY?
YEAH, YEAH. WHY?
LILY'S DEAD.
SHE WHAT?
SHE'S DEAD.
ARE YOU SURE?
WELL, IF SHE ISN'T
CREMATING HER WAS BIG MISTAKE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HOW, HOW…? OH, MY GOD.
HOW-HOW LONG AGO?
17 YEARS AGO.
OH…
WHAT-WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLS?
WELL, URSULA IS A WAITRESS AND SHE LIVES IN SOHO
AND PHOEBE…
IS ON THIS COUCH.
YEP. LIPSTICK AND A DAUGHTER.
BIG DAY FOR YOU, HUH?
PHOEBE, I-I-I, UM…
WHOOPS.
IT'S JUST… I-I-I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I JUST
CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER.
YOU'RE SO PRETTY.
YES. WELL, THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.
SO, WOULD IT-WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER
IF I SAID THAT I WAS VERY, VERY SORRY I LEFT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.
IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE ANYWAY
SO YOU CAN JUST GO.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, YOU KNOW, IN MY DEFENSE
I WAS A LOUSY FATHER.
THAT'S YOUR DEFENSE?
YES, IT IS.
I BURNED THE FORMULA
AND I PUT YOUR DIAPERS ON BACKWARDS.
I MEAN, I MADE UP A SONG TO SING YOU TO SLEEP
BUT THAT MADE YOU CRY EVEN MORE.
YOU MAKE UP SONGS?
WELL, NO.
JUST THAT ONE.
IT WAS STUPID.
LET'S SEE.
HOW DID IT GO?
UM… YEAH. OKAY.
WELL, YEAH.
I JUST…
I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS SO, UM…
WELL, I AM.
NOT YET, NO.
HEY, MAN, HOW'D THE AUDITION GO?
ESTELLE SAID I DIDN'T GET IT.
WHAT? WHY?
JOEY, YOU WERE SO READY FOR IT.
YEAH. I THOUGHT SO, TOO
BUT SHE SAID THE CASTING PEOPLE HAD SOME PROBLEMS WITH ME.
WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS?
WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, THEY, UH…
THEY HAD A PROBLEM WITH THE BAG.
OH, MY GOD.
NO…
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT WAS A STUPID PLAY, ANYWAY.
JOEY, I THINK IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP THE BAG.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP THE BAG.
I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE UP THE BAG, DO I, RACH?
YOU THINK I SHOULD GIVE UP THE BAG.
WAIT, JOEY. I'M SORRY.
AS TERRIFIC AS I THINK YOU ARE WITH IT…
OH, HEY.
I JUST DON'T KNOW
IF THE WORLD IS READY FOR YOU AND YOUR BAG.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HEARING THIS.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE A BAG.
I JUST… IT'S JUST THAT THERE ARE OTHER BAGS, YOU KNOW
THAT ARE MAYBE A LITTLE LESS, UM… CONTROVERSIAL.
YEAH. UM, THEY'RE CALLED WALLETS.