JOEY, WE KNOW YOU STEAL OUR FOOD.
I'M GOOD.
OH, ARE THE DRAPES STILL CLOSED, HONEY?
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD HAVE SHUT THEIR DRAPES
IS THAT PERVERTED OLD COUPLE TWO DOORS OVER.
IS THAT A SWING?
OH, DON'T EVEN ASK.
YECCH!
I CAN'T BELIEVE ROSS IS GOING OUT
WITH RACHEL'S SISTER.
WHEN CHANDLER MADE OUT WITH MY SISTER
I WAS MAD AT HIM FOR TEN YEARS.
THAT WAS, LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO.
YEAH, YOU GOT FIVE YEARS LEFT.
JOEY…
YOU WANT TO MAKE IT SIX?
OH, ROSS! HEY! HI, HOW ARE YOU?
THERE YOU ARE. HEY.
GIVE ME A CUP OF COFFEE.
SO HOW WAS YOUR BIG DATE LAST NIGHT?
UH, IT WAS OKAY.
IT WAS FUN.
YEAH? IT WAS FUN? MMM.
GREAT.
SO, UH…
SO, DID YOU GUYS HIT IT OFF?
I GUESS SO.
SO, D-DID ANYTHING HAPPEN?
BECAUSE RUMOR HAS IT YOU GUYS SHUT THE DRAPES.
NO, NO. NOTHING HAPPENED.
I SHUT THE DRAPES TO SHOW HER SLIDES
OF MY FAVORITE FOSSILS.
OH, SLIDES!
SO REALLY NOTHING HAPPENED.
WELL… SOMETHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED, ALL RIGHT?
SHE REALLY DUG MY SLIDES
AND SHE WAS DEFINITELY GIVING ME THE VIBE.
WAS IT THE "PLEASE DON'T SHOW ME ANOTHER PICTURE
OF A TRILOBITE" VIBE?
ANYWAY…
IF SHE WASN'T INTO ME
WHY-WHY WOULD SHE ASK ME OUT AGAIN?
SHE ASKED YOU OUT AGAIN?
YEAH. UH-HUH.
TOMORROW NIGHT.
MMM.
VALENTINE'S DAY.
THE MOST ROMANTIC DAY OF THE YEAR.
WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN.
I MIGHT NOT BE SHUTTING MY DRAPES TO SHOW HER MY SLIDES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! I GOT IT, I GOT IT. I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I CAN'T…
I'M NOT GOOD WITH THE YOU-AND-MY-SISTER THING, OKAY? I JUST CAN'T.
IT'S JUST TOO WEIRD, ALL RIGHT?
I IMAGINE THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.
I JUST FREAK OUT! OKAY…
IT FREAKS ME OUT AND I CAN'T DO IT. NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
HEY, IT'S TOO WEIRD FOR YOU.
I WON'T SEE HER AGAIN. THANK YOU. I… YEAH.
I MEAN, AFTER TOMORROW NIGHT. NO-NO-NO! NO-NO-NO!
PLEASE, ROSS, I CAN'T, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.
IT'S GOING TO FREAK ME OUT!
OKAY, OKAY… OKAY.
I'LL TELL HER TONIGHT I CAN'T SEE HER ANYMORE.
OH, THANKS.
YOU WANT ME TO CALL HER RIGHT NOW?
OH, NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO. I MEAN, COME ON.
THAT'S CRAZ… I MEAN, THAT'S CRAZY.
UH-HUH.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
WELL, UM…
OH! I MAY BE TEACHING ANOTHER CLASS THIS SEMESTER.
YEAH, DO IT NOW. CALL HER RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT'S SADDER THAN THIS? BAMBI.
I CRIED FOR THREE DAYS WITH THAT MOVIE.
NO, WAIT… TWO.
'CAUSE ON THE THIRD DAY, MY MOTHER KILLED HERSELF
SO I WAS PARTLY CRYING FOR THAT.
WELL, SEE, NOW, THAT, I CAN SEE CRYING OVER,
BUT BAMBI IS A CARTOON.
YOU DIDN'T CRY WHEN BAMBI'S MOTHER DIED?
YES, IT WAS VERY SAD
WHEN THE GUY STOPPED DRAWING THE DEER.
CHANDLER, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH CRYING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO MACHO ALL THE TIME.
I'M NOT MACHO.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.
NO, I GUESS I JUST NEVER REALLY CRIED, YOU KNOW?
I'M NOT A CRYING KIND OF GUY.
COME ON, MAN, THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING
THAT GETS YOU CHOKED UP.
LIKE, UH…
UH, WHAT IF YOU SAW A THREE-LEGGED PUPPY.
I'D BE SAD, SURE…
BUT I WOULDN'T CRY.
OKAY, WHAT IF THE PUPPY SAID, "HELP ME, CHANDLER.
ALL THE OTHER PUPPIES PICK ON ME."
CRY? I JUST FOUND A TALKING PUPPY.
I'M RICH.
OH… I'VE GOT IT.
I HAVE GOT IT.
PICTURES FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD.
THIS'LL GET YOU GOING GOOD. OKAY…
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
AH, THAT'S PARENTS DAY, FIRST GRADE.
THAT'S ME WITH THE JANITOR, MARTIN.
WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?
OH, THEY DIDN'T WANT TO COME.
OH, CHANDLER. POOR THING.
SO, THAT STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY?
NO! LOOK, I DON'T CRY.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, OKAY?
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY!
IT'S NOT OKAY AT ALL.
YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE!
EXCUSE ME.
YEAH? ARE YOU PHOEBE BUFFAY?
YEAH.
CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
OH, YOU'RE MY BIGGEST FAN?
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU. HI.
SURE. YEAH.
WOW.
WOW, THANKS A LOT.
I JUST WANT TO SAY
I THINK YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT
'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BIGGEST FAN.
JOEY, LISTEN
TAKE GOOD CARE OF THAT GUY, OKAY?
HE'S A FAN.
OH.
BYE.
SO…
YOU SAW ME ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES, HUH?
WANT ME TO DO A LITTLE DR. DRAKE RAMORAY FOR YOU?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
BUT I JUST GOT PHOEBE BUFFAY'S AUTOGRAPH.
OH. YOUR PHOEBE'S FAN.
OH, YEAH. I'VE SEEN ALL HER MOVIES.
MOVIES?
THAT WAS PHOEBE BUFFAY, THE PORN STAR.
I DON'T THINK SO.
NO, NO, IT WAS.
SHE WAS IN SEX TOY STORY II.
LAWRENCE OF ALABIA.
AND I GOT HER AUTOGRAPH.
THE GUYS AT THE COMIC BOOK STORE
AREN'T GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.
GUNTHER.
HEY, DON'T LET THAT GUY IN HERE ANYMORE.
HE JUST SAID PHOEBE'S A PORN STAR.
WELL, I WOULDN'T CALL HER A STAR
BUT SHE'S REALLY GOOD.
YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT INSPECT HER GADGET.
HEY. HEY.
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
ROSS JUST TOTALLY BLEW ME OFF
AND HE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME WHY.
AH, WELL.
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
THE BEST THING TO DO TO GET OVER A GUY
IS TO START DATING SOMEONE ELSE.
OH! OH, THERE IS THIS GREAT GUY
YOU WILL JUST LOVE AT WORK NAMED BOB.
HE'S A REAL UP-AND-COMER IN HUMAN RESOURCES.
YOU KNOW, THANKS FOR TRYING TO CHEER ME UP
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DATE
SOME RANDOM GUY FROM YOUR WORK.
NOT RANDOM. BOB.
OH… IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE I'M NOT MATURE ENOUGH
OR SMART ENOUGH, OR…
MAYBE HE DOESN'T LIKE THE WAY I DRESS.
NO, THAT CAN'T BE IT.
IT'S REALLY GOT TO BE THE SMART THING.
OH, I'M SO STUPID.
I'M JUST THIS, LIKE, INCREDIBLY PRETTY, STUPID GIRL.
NO, HONEY…
OKAY. OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY ROSS CANCELED THE DATE?
BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO.
YOU ASKED HIM TO? MM-HMM.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU ARE MY SISTER
AND ROSS AND I HAVE THIS HUGE HISTORY…
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ROSS?
NO.
YOU DON'T WANT HIM, BUT YOU
DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE HIM?
YOU KNOW BOB IN HUMAN RESOURCES?
OH! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME!
YOU HAD ME DOUBTING HOW SMART I WAS…
YOU HAD ME DOUBTING MY FASHION SENSE.
COME ON! THIS IS NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
YOU JUST DON'T DATE ROSS.
THERE'S A MILLION OTHER GUYS OUT THERE.
HEY… YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.
I AM TELLING YOU WHAT NOT TO DO.
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO JEALOUS OF ME?
OH, JILL, THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME BEING JEALOUS OF YOU.
THIS IS ABOUT YOU BEING A BRAT…
WANTING WHAT YOU CAN'T HAVE.
"CAN'T HAVE"?
EXCUSE ME. THE ONLY THING I CAN'T HAVE IS DAIRY!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU JUST BLEW YOUR CHANCES AT DATING BOB. WHO?
IN HUMAN RESOURCES!
I AM JEALOUS OF HER?
I MEAN, WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS, PRINCESS CAROLINE?
YOU'RE JEALOUS OF PRINCESS CAROLINE?
DO I HAVE MY OWN CASTLE?
HEY, UH, PHOEBE'S NOT HERE, IS SHE?
NO. OH, GREAT. DID YOU GET A MOVIE?
UH… YEAH, YEAH.
BUT, UH… I DON'T THINK IT'S THE KIND
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE.
YOU DIDN'T GET MORE MOVIES
THAT ARE GOING TO HAVE US REACHING FOR THE TISSUES
ALL NIGHT, DID YOU?
SORT OF.
GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON?
UH…
PHOEBE'S A PORN STAR!
WHAT? WHAT?
YEAH! COME HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
"PHOEBE BUFFAY IN BUFFAY THE VAMPIRE LAYER."
OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S PHOEBE. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
WELL, DOWN AT THE ADULT VIDEO PLACE ON BLEEKER.
AND I SAW JOEY WAS ABOUT TO GO IN
SO I RAN IN AHEAD OF HIM
TO-TO SURPRISE HIM AND… AND THEN…
THEN I PRETENDED
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS IN THERE.
WOW. I MEAN, I JUST… I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE…
EVEN PHOEBE, WHO'S ALWAYS BEEN SOMEWHAT OF A QUESTION MARK.
MMM.
THIS IS SO BIZARRE.
I GUESS IT KIND OF MAKES SENSE, THOUGH.
YOU KNOW, SHE HAD SUCH A TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD.
I HAD A TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD AND I DON'T DO PORN.
YES, BUT YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE. OH. YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I BETTER TAKE THAT BACK.
WH-WHY?
WE CAN'T WATCH THAT.
I MEAN, THAT'S PHOEBE.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE CAN'T. WE SHOULDN'T WATCH THIS.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. THAT GOES BACK.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.
HOW ABOUT JUST THE FIRST HALF?
NO… HEY, NO, THIS IS WRONG, YOU GUYS!
PHOEBE'S OUR FRIEND.
I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH IT.
YEAH!
GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.
Ah, I thought I'd find you here…
Nosferatool.
Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Actually, I was kind of hoping
it would be the other way around.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
WHAT IS THAT ON HER ANKLE?
HER ANKLE IS WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING?
WELL, IT'S HARD TO TELL…
OH, GOD, IF SHE WOULD JUST STOP MOVING.
SHE'S JUST DOING HER JOB.
YOU SICK BASTARDS.
OH, IT'S A TATTOO.
THAT'S WEIRD. PHOEBE DOESN'T…
WAIT, THAT'S URSULA!
THAT'S NOT PHOEBE.
THAT IS URSULA!
WAIT! WAIT!
THEN I CAN WATCH THAT. REWIND IT, REWIND IT.
HEY.
WHAT'S UP?
OH, MY GOD! WHAT AM I DOING?
HEY, SWEETIE. HEY.
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL?
THERE'S NO BACK TO THIS COUCH.
WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? YOU HATE THIS KIND OF STUFF.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I FIGURED I'D GIVE IT A SHOT.
MAYBE ONE OF THOSE STORIES WILL MAKE ME CRY
AND THEN YOU WOULDN'T THINK I WAS
YOU KNOW, ALL DEAD INSIDE.
AH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
BUT, CHANDLER, I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN'T CRY.
I LOVE YOU.
AH, THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO WARM
IN MY HOLLOW TIN CHEST.
STOP IT. NO, I MEAN, COME ON, SERIOUSLY, THINK ABOUT IT.
WE GET MARRIED…
I'M UP AT THE ALTAR, AND I'M LIKE THIS…
I WON'T CARE…
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE FEELING IT
ALL IN HERE.
YEAH?
YEAH.
AND IF WE HAVE A BABY ONE DAY
AND THE DOCTOR HANDS IT TO YOU
IN THE DELIVERY ROOM
AND YOU DON'T CRY…
SO WHAT?
AND IF WE TAKE HIM TO COLLEGE AND WE COME HOME
AND WE SEE HIS EMPTY ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME
AND YOU GOT NOTHING…
WON'T MATTER TO ME.
OKAY.
WELL, I WON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS ANYMORE THEN.
YEAH, AND IF I DIE…
FROM A LONG ILLNESS
AND YOU'RE WRITING OUT MY EULOGY
AND YOU OPEN THE DESK DRAWER AND YOU FIND A NOTE FROM ME
THAT SAYS, "I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU"
AND YOU STILL CAN'T SHED ONE TINY TEAR…
I KNOW YOU'LL BE CRYING A RIVER INSIDE.
OH, I LOVE YOU SO…
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T SHED A TEAR FOR YOUR DEAD WIFE?
NOW, I LEFT YOU A NOTE FROM THE BEYOND.
SO YOU DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF THAT?
NO, YOU ROBOT!
YOU DAMN KIDS.
YOU RING MY BELL ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR TO…
OH, JILL.
UM, THAT'S JUST A LITTLE GAME
I PLAY WITH THE KIDS DOWN THE HALL.
UM…
THEY'VE REALLY TAKEN A LIKING TO ME.
UH, WHAT-WHAT-WHAT'S THE MATTER?
RACHEL AND I HAD A REALLY BIG FIGHT.
CAN I COME IN?
I KNOW WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE EACH OTHER ANY MORE,
AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY IN THE CITY
AND I REALLY NEED SOMEBODY TO TALK TO ABOUT IT.
OF COURSE. WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
OKAY, UM…
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT REALLY CHEER ME UP?
WHAT?
SEEING SOME MORE OF YOUR SUPER COOL SLIDES.
WOW, REALLY?
TOTALLY. I LOVED THEM
AND MAYBE YOU COULD FINISH TELLING ME
ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SAND.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO.
YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE.
I'LL GO GET THE PROJECTOR AND MY NOTES.
OH, GREAT. THANKS, ROSS. YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.
HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN JILL?
I CAN'T FIND HER ANYWHERE.
NO, I HAVEN'T.
WELL, IS ROSS HOME?
MAYBE I'LL CALL HIM AND SEE IF HE'S SEEN…
WHO IS IT?
IT'S PHOEBE…
PHOEBE.
HEY.
OH, GOD.
SO-SO YOU'RE MAKING PORN MOVIES.
NO, I'M NOT.
WE'RE STILL ROLLING.
YOU'RE MAKING ONE RIGHT NOW.
LET'S GO, PHOEBE.
AND YOU'RE USING MY NAME.
YEAH, CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?
PHOEBE, COME ON.
LOOK, I'M TALKING RIGHT NOW.
YOU MEAN HER.
YOU KNOW…
TWIN STUFF IS ALWAYS A REAL BIG SELLER.
WHAT?
YEAH, I COULD TALK THEM INTO GIVING YOU LIKE…
$30.
NO. NO WAY. NO.
AND STOP USING MY NAME.
AND SHAME ON YOU
AND SHAME ON ALL OF YOU.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING…
ESPECIALLY YOU WITH… THAT.
SLIDES ARE ALMOST READY.
YEAH.
OOH, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS MISSING.
ALCOHOL.
UH, OKAY, WELL, THERE'S WINE IN THE KITCHEN.
OH, GREAT.
HELLO.
WHAT IS MY SISTER DOING THERE,
AND WHY ARE THE DRAPES SHUT?
OKAY, RACH, CALM DOWN, OKAY?
SHE'S… SHE'S REALLY UPSET.
WE'RE JUST TALKING.
I THINK SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN WITH YOU
TO GET BACK AT ME.
OH, SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON SHE COULD BE HERE, HUH?
IT COULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT
THAT MAYBE I'M A GOOD LISTENER AND I PUT ON A GREAT SLIDE SHOW.
ROSS, I AM TELLING YOU
SHE IS USING YOU TO GET BACK AT ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. GOOD-BYE.
WHOA.
UH, THAT WAS YOUR SISTER, ACTUALLY.
SHE… SHE THINKS YOU'RE JUST USING ME.
SO?
HEY. HEY.
SO, I JUST CAME FROM THE COMPANY URSULA WORKS FOR.
OH, NO, NOT YOU, TOO?
NO, I JUST WENT TO PICK UP PHOEBE BUFFAY'S CHECKS.
THERE WERE A LOT OF THEM.
NICE.
MM-HMM.
AND I WON'T HAVE TO GO BACK THERE ANYMORE
BECAUSE I GAVE THEM MY "CORRECT ADDRESS."
THAT'S GREAT, BUT ISN'T IT GOING TO BOTHER YOU
THAT PEOPLE STILL THINK YOU'RE A PORN STAR?
OH, NO, NO.
I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT.
WELL, GOOD. YEAH.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE YOU KNOW ME FROM?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT… FROM PORN!
OKAY?
YEAH, YOUR PERVERT BOYFRIEND WATCHED ME IN A PORNO MOVIE!
SEE?
YEAH, YEAH.
HEY.
YOU, UH, YOU MAY HAVE BEEN RIGHT ABOUT JILL.
OH, I KNEW IT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
UM, SHE KISSED ME.
WHAT?
YOU KISSED?
MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE THEM SOME PRIVACY.
SHH!
LOOK, I, UH…
I TRIED NOT TO KISS HER, OKAY?
IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT.
I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY EASY NOT TO KISS SOMEONE.
YOU JUST DON'T KISS THEM.
SEE, LOOK AT US RIGHT NOW, NOT KISSING.
LET ME FINISH, OKAY?
SHE STARTED KISSING ME, AND I…
DIDN'T STOP IT.
I GUESS I JUST WASN'T THINKING.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WEREN'T THINKING.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
HOLD ON. JUST…
BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING AND I STOPPED THE KISSING.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU FOR TAKING YOUR TONGUE
OUT OF MY SISTER'S MOUTH LONG ENOUGH TO TELL ME THAT.
LOOK, I REALIZED THAT, IF ANYTHING
WERE TO HAPPEN WITH ME AND JILL
THEN NOTHING COULD EVER HAPPEN WITH US.
WHAT?
NO, I MEAN…
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYTHING
IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN WITH US…
AGAIN EVER.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT IT NEVER COULD.
SO I STOPPED IT.
AND…
SHE GOT MAD AND BROKE MY PROJECTOR.
WOW.
I-I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU CRYING?
I JUST DON'T SEE WHY THOSE TWO CAN'T WORK THINGS OUT.
ALL RIGHT, I'M LEAVING.
BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA SPEND ONE MORE DAY WITH SOMEONE
WHO'S OUT TO SABOTAGE MY EVERY MOVE.
THAT'S YOU, RACHEL.
YEAH, I GOT THAT.
AND YOU…
I THROW MYSELF AT YOU
AND YOU SAY NO?
HOW GAY ARE YOU?
YOU TAKE CARE, JILL.
OKAY, SEE YOU.
BYE-BYE.
BYE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE JILL'S GONE.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I OPENED A GATE.