OH. SORRY.
I HEAR DIVORCE, I IMMEDIATELY GO TO ROSS.
WHO-WHO'S BARRY AND MINDY?
BARRY WAS THE GUY THAT I ALMOST MARRIED
AND MINDY WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
WASN'T HE CHEATING ON YOU WITH HER?
YEAH, BUT THAT JUST MEANS
THAT HE WAS FALLING ASLEEP ON TOP OF HER INSTEAD OF ME.
AH.
GOD, COULD YOU IMAGINE IF I'D ACTUALLY MARRIED HIM?
HOW DIFFERENT WOULD MY LIFE BE?
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE WOULD BE
IF I'D NEVER GOTTEN DIVORCED.
WHICH TIME? THE FIRST TIME.
NO, SERIOUSLY, IMAGINE IF CAROL
HADN'T REALIZED SHE WAS A LESBIAN.
I CAN'T.
I KEEP SEEING IT THE GOOD WAY.
I BET I'D STILL BE DOING MY KARA-TE.
TOWARDS THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE, I WAS DOING A LOT OF KARATE
AS A WAY OF RELEASING THE TENSION
FROM, YOU KNOW, NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE PHYSICAL.
MAYBE THE PROBLEM WAS
YOU WERE PRONOUNCING IT "KARA-TE."
WHAT IF I WAS STILL FAT?
Y-YOU WOULDN'T BE DATING ME, THAT'S FOR SURE.
SURE I WOULD.
OH, YEAH. OH, COME ON.
WHAT? YOU GUYS REALLY THINK I'M THAT SHALLOW?
NO, I JUST THINK MONICA WAS THAT FAT.
HEY, IMAGINE IF I'D NEVER GOT FIRED
OFF DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
HEY, HEY, THERE'S CAROL AGAIN.
WHAT IF I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO QUIT MY JOB?
I'D PROBABLY BE WRITING FOR THE NEW YORKER…
BEING PAID TO BE FUNNY.
BUT MY JOB'S FUN, TOO.
I MEAN… TOMORROW, I… I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A TIE.
WHAT IF I HAD TAKEN THAT JOB AT MERRILL LYNCH?
WHAT? WHAT?
MERRILL LYNCH?
YEAH. I HAD A MASSAGE CLIENT WHO WORKED THERE
AND HE SAID I HAD A KNACK FOR STOCKS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THE JOB?
BECAUSE AT THAT TIME, YOU SEE
I THOUGHT THAT EVERYTHING THAT RHYMED WAS TRUE.
SO, I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, IF I WORKED WITH STOCKS
I'D HAVE TO LIVE IN A BOX AND ONLY EAT LOX
AND HAVE A PET FOX…
HEY, DO YOU GUYS THINK IF ALL THOSE THINGS HAPPENED
WE'D STILL HANG OUT?
OH, MY GOD. RACHEL GREEN?
ROB TILLMAN.
NO…
NO, NO, IT'S ME, ROSS.
OH! I'M SORRY… ROSS TILLMAN. OH!
NO. NO, NO.
ROSS GELLER.
OH, OF COURSE!
MONICA'S BROTHER!
YEAH, RIGHT.
WOW! HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. GOO… I'M, I'M MARRIED.
OH. ME, TOO.
OH. WELL, OH…
ISN'T IT THE BEST?
OH, IT'S THE BEST.
SO, UM, HOW'S MONICA?
OH, REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
ACTUALLY, SHE'S RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.
UM, DO YOU…? YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD STOP BY AND SAY HI.
OH, I WOULD LOVE TO.
OH, OH, SHE'D BE SO EXCITED.
OH, OKAY. COME ON.
WAIT. DON'T YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR… BUSTY LADIES?
NO, NO, NO, T-THAT'S OKAY.
SOME, SOME KID ASKED ME TO PICK IT UP FOR HIM
BUT I…
OH, OKAY.
SO, MONICA
STILL GOING OUT WITH DR. BORING, HUH?
HE'S NOT BORING.
HE'S JUST…
HE'S JUST LOW KEY.
HERE WE GO.
ONE HAZELNUT LATTE.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW
THE HAZELNUT… ACTUALLY NOT A NUT.
IT'S A SEED.
WOW.
CAN ANYONE ELSE NAME A WELL-KNOWN SEED
THAT'S BEEN MASQUERADING AS A NUT?
OH, DEAR GOD, LET ME THINK.
HEY.
OH, NO. WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I JUST GOT ANOTHER REJECTION LETTER.
THEY SAID MY WRITING WAS FUNNY, JUST NOT "ARCHIE COMIC FUNNY."
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.
ALL RIGHT. MMM.
OKAY. BYE.
OH, UH…
BY THE WAY, THE ANSWER IS…
THE BRAZIL NUT.
AH.
WAS HIS QUESTION "WHAT'S MORE BORING THAN HIM?"
HEY, MAN, LOOK, SORRY ABOUT THAT ARCHIE THING.
YOU NEED ME TO GIVE YOU SOME MONEY?
HEY, I MAY HAVE NO MONEY, BUT I STILL HAVE MY PRIDE.
REALLY?
EH…
HEY, MAYBE JOEY DOESN'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
TV STARS HAVE ASSISTANTS, RIGHT?
THAT'S AN IDEA.
HEY, IF I HIRED AN ASSISTANT, WOULD YOU TAKE MONEY FROM HER?
NO, JOEY.
CHANDLER COULD BE YOUR ASSISTANT.
SEE, HE COULD ANSWER ALL YOUR FAN MAIL AND STUFF.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
LET'S DO THAT.
IT COULD GIVE ME TIME TO WRITE.
ALL RIGHT, GREAT. WELCOME ABOARD.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM
AND SINCE I DON'T NEED ASSISTANCE IN THERE
TAKE A BREAK!
ALL RIGHT.
HEY.
HEY, PHOEBE.
GUESS WHAT? WHAT?
JOEY JUST HIRED CHANDLER TO BE HIS ASSISTANT.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
OH! HANG ON!
HANG ON!
GO.
NO. NO, NO.
I SAID SELL WHEN IT HITS 50.
FIVE-"O". IT'S A NUMBER.
IT COMES AFTER FOUR-NINE.
OH, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
YOU'RE ALLOWED ONE MISTAKE.
JUST KIDDING.
YOU ARE, OF COURSE, FIRED.
OH…!
HEY, MON. MON.
LOOK WHO I RAN INTO.
OH, MY GOD! RACHEL!
GOSH, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!
OH, SO DO YOU!
DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
YOU'RE SO SWEET TO NOTICE!
YES, I LOST THREE-AND-A-HALF POUNDS!
AH!
AND, UH, YOU REMEMBER MY FRIEND CHANDLER.
AND, UH, AND THAT'S PHOEBE OVER THERE.
HI.
OH, MY GOD! SIT DOWN.
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER?
1987…
THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS.
SHAUN McMAHAN'S PARTY.
I PLAYED YOU ONE OF MY SONGS…
YOU KNOW, UH
"INTERPLANETARY COURTSHIP RITUAL."
OH, YEAH.
RIGHT.
SO, UH, DO YOU STILL DO MUSIC?
WELL, SOMETIMES.
YOU SHOULD COME OVER.
I'LL PLAY YOU ONE OF MY…
OH, MY GOD!
JOEY TRIBBIANI FROM DAYS OF OUR LIVES
JUST WALKED IN HERE.
RACH, HE'S A FRIEND OF OURS.
YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH DR. DRAKE RAMORAY?
MM-HMM.
WELL, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO BE FRIENDS WITH DRAKE
BECAUSE OF HIS BUSY SCHEDULE, AND THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT REAL.
HEY, HEY, OR I COULD BRING MY KEYBOARD HERE SOMETIME.
HE'S COMING OVER, HE'S COMING OVER.
JOEY… I KNOW. HERE, HERE.
OH…!
NO.
THIS IS MY FRIEND, RACHEL.
WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.
HI. HI!
I LOVE YOU ON THAT SHOW!
OH…
I WATCH YOU EVERY DAY.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU TOOK OUT YOUR OWN KIDNEY
TO SAVE YOUR EX-WIFE
EVEN THOUGH SHE TRIED TO KILL YOU…
WELL, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO MEET THE FANS.
AH…!
SHE'S NOT CRAZY, IS SHE?
NO, SHE'S COOL.
SO, UH…
HOW YOU DOING?
HANG ON.
GO.
WHO IS THIS?
OH, OKAY. YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE WORKING FOR ME.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS BRINDY?
I… WHATEVE… STOP TALKING.
ALL RIGHT, FROM NOW ON, YOUR NAME IS JOAN.
YOU CAN PICK YOUR OWN LAST NAME.
HEY, THERE YOU ARE.
UH-OH, IT'S MY BOSS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A LIST OF THINGS
FOR YOU TO DO TODAY.
MAN, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO GREAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I GOT TO GO TO WORK.
I'M DELIVERING TWINS TODAY, BUT ONLY ONE OF THEM… IS MINE.
"DROP OFF MY DRY CLEANING, PICK UP MY VITAMINS…
"TEACH ME HOW TO SPELL VITAMINS…
WEAR IN MY NEW JEANS."
YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU ARE, DON'T YOU?
WHAT? YOU'RE HIS BITCH.
NO! NO!
NO!
WAIT. YOU DIDN'T JUST SIT ON MY KIT KATS, DID YOU?
NO. THERE WAS A LITTLE, LITTLE DIP IN THE MARKET
AND I LOST $13 MILLION.
BUT THE KIT KATS ARE ALL RIGHT?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I CAN'T CALL MY OFFICE… THEY'LL KILL ME.
I CAN'T CALL MY CLIENTS… THEY'LL KILL THEMSELVES.
GREAT. NOW MY CHEST HURTS.
WHAT?
MY CHEST HURTS.
OH…
YEAH, AND NOW I, I CAN'T BREATHE.
ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK?
IF I WERE, WOULD I HAVE SHOOTING PAINS UP AND DOWN MY LEFT ARM?
YES.
THEN, YES, THAT IS WHAT I'M HAVING.
OH, MY GOD!
COME ON, PHEEBS, IT'S NOT
THAT BAD.
MOST PEOPLE WOULD BE EXCITED
IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
MOST PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THEIR JOBS.
I LOVE MY JOB.
I'VE BEEN NOT WORKING FOR THREE HOURS
AND I'M ALREADY GOING CRAZY.
I MISS JOAN.
HONEY, HAVING A HEART ATTACK IS NATURE'S WAY OF TELLING YOU
TO SLOW IT DOWN.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT HAVING A HEART ATTACK
WAS NATURE'S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO DIE.
BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.
I MEAN, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE
BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE TODAY.
I WISH I WAS DEAD.
LET'S TAKE A WALK.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER WRITING
FOR TALKING OUT OF YOUR ASS MAGAZINE.
SO, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
WELL, UM, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT MORE OF MY KARA-TE.
STILL GOING THROUGH THAT DRY SPELL WITH CAROL?
YEAH.
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU'VE HAD SEX?
WELL… LAST WEEKEND…
OH, THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
…WILL BE TWO MONTHS…
SINCE I STOPPED TRYING.
MAYBE YOU NEED TO SPICE THINGS UP A LITTLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU COULD TIE HER UP, SHE COULD TIE YOU UP
YOU COULD EAT STUFF OFF EACH OTHER.
HUH.
YOU KNOW, DIRTY TALK, MENAGE A TROIS, TOYS…
WOW.
ROLE PLAYING.
YOU COULD BE THE WARDEN, SHE COULD BE THE PRISONER
YOU COULD BE THE PIRATE, SHE COULD BE THE WENCH…
OKAY, I THINK I GOT IT.
OR YOU COULD BE TWO STOCKBROKERS
AND YOU'RE ROLLING AROUND NAKED ON THE TRADING FLOOR, AND EVERYBODY'S WATCHING.
IT NEVER HAPPENED.
ALL RIGHT, AND OVER THERE
IS BRADY'S PUB, WHERE I LIKE TO UNWIND
AFTER A LONG DAY OF SURGEONING.
WOW! OH, THIS IS SO AMAZING.
WHAT ELSE? WHAT ELSE?
WELL, THAT IS A LARGE PIECE OF TELEVISION EQUIPMENT
AND, UH, THAT IS AN OLD MAN.
HEY, OLD MAN. HI.
ALL RIGHTY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE?
WELL, WELL…
UM, YOU KNOW, I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO
BUT I-I SHOULDN'T.
WHY? WHY… CAN'T THE WORLD STOP TURNING…
JUST FOR A MOMENT?
JUST FOR US?
ISN'T THAT A LINE FROM THE SHOW?
UH… YEAH, BUT, UH…
I MAY HAVE SAID THOSE THINGS BEFORE, BUT…
I NEVER TRULY MEANT THEM…
UNTIL NOW.
THAT'S A LINE FROM THE SHOW, TOO.
OKAY, YOU WATCH TOO MUCH TV.
HERE YOU GO, JOE.
HE'S THE FRESHLY SQUEEZED ORANGE JUICE YOU ASKED FOR.
THANKS.
YEAH, THERE'S PULP IN THAT.
YEAH.
I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
I DON'T LIKE PULP.
NO PULP.
PULP ISN'T JUICE.
ALL JUICE, OKAY?
I'M SORRY.
I GUESS I JUST… LIKE THE PULP.
OH, MY GOD, I'M SOR…
I AM BEING SO RUDE.
RACHEL, WOULD YOU LIKE A SODA, OR SOMETHING?
BECAUSE… BECAUSE CHANDLER WILL RUN RIGHT OUT
AND GET IT FOR YOU.
YEAH, WELL, SURE.
ICED TEA WOULD BE GREAT.
OKAY. ICED TEA.
OKAY. ANYTHING FOR YOU, SIR?
DID I NOT JUST TELL HIM ABOUT THE…?
OKAY, LOOK, CHANDLER, IF THIS… IS GOING TO WORK
YOU HAVE GOT TO LISTEN.
YOU'RE GOING TO THROW THAT JUICE AT ME, AREN'T YOU?
IT'S NOT ALL JUICE.
SO, HONEY, THIS MORNING WAS FUN, HUH…
ME HOPPING IN ON YOU IN THE SHOWER THERE?
YEAH, AND MAYBE SOMEDAY
WE COULD GET A PLACE WITH TWO BATHROOMS.
LOOK, CAROL, UM…
I WAS, I WAS THINKING, MAYBE, UH
MAYBE WE CAN SPICE THINGS UP A LITTLE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
CAROL, OUR SEX LIFE… IT'S JUST NOT…
DAD!
HEY, THERE, LITTLE FELLA!
HEY, WHY DON'T WE GET SOME SHOES ON YOU, HUH?
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW DAD HOW YOU CAN PUT YOUR SHOES ON
IN YOUR ROOM? YAY!
YAY!
SERIOUSLY, OUR SEX LIFE…
I WAS THINKING MAYBE…
I DON'T KNOW, WE COULD TRY SOME NEW THINGS
YOU KNOW, FOR FUN.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW. UM…
WELL, WHAT IF WE, UH, WERE TO…
TIE EACH OTHER UP?
UM, SOME PEOPLE… EAT STUFF OFF ONE ANOTHER.
YEAH.
UM, YOU KNOW, WE COULD TRY DIRTY TALK.
UM, WE COULD, WE COULD HAVE A THREESOME.
I LOVE THAT IDEA.
WHO SOLD A STORY TO ARCHIE COMICS?
OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S SO GREAT!
OH, WOW!
YOU'RE A PUBLISHED WRITER!
I WISH I HAD A PRESENT FOR YOU.
AW… WAIT A MINUTE.
MY LAST KIT KAT BAR.
YOU WANT TO SHARE IT?
OKAY! OKAY.
HEY. HEY.
OKAY, CHANDLER, LOOK
I KNOW YOU'RE MAD
BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY.
I WAS A TOTAL JERK.
COMPLETELY OVER THE LINE.
I JUST… I HATE PULP
YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW HOW MONICA FEELS ABOUT LOW-FAT MAYONNAISE?
IT'S NOT MAYONNAISE!
YEAH, OKAY, WELL, ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY
AND HERE.
WHAT'S THIS?
FRESH SQUEEZED ORANGE JUICE
WITH PULP, JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
OH, THANKS, MAN.
HEY, JOEY, CHANDLER SOLD A STORY TO ARCHIE COMICS.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S GREAT! CONGRATULATIONS!
WHAT'S THE STORY?
OH, YOU WOULDN'T, UH, CARE.
IT'S JUST A STUPID COMIC BOOK STORY.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I LOVE ARCHIE, AND THE WHOLE GANG!
WELL, UM, ARCHIE NEEDS MONEY TO FIX HIS JALOPY.
UH, BUT HE DOESN'T WANT REGGIE TO JUST GIVE HIM THE MONEY…
SO REGGIE HIRES HIM AS HIS ASSIS…
AS HIS BUTLER…
AND THEN MAKES HIM DO ALL THESE CRAZY THINGS
LIKE BRING HIM MILKSHAKES THAT CAN'T HAVE LUMPS IN THEM.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE FAMILIAR.
DID THEY ALREADY DO THAT ONE, 'CAUSE I THINK I READ IT.
OH, MONICA, LISTEN, I HAVE TO ASK.
OKAY, JOEY TRIBBIANI INVITED ME BACK TO HIS APARTMENT.
NOW, DOES HE DO THIS WITH A LOT OF GIRLS?
YEAH, A LOT.
A LOT, A LOT.
OH, AND I'M ONE OF THEM!
WOW!
OH, I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!
I MEAN, JOEY TRIBBIANI!
YOU KNOW, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS
BUT AREN'T YOU MARRIED?
YEAH.
OH, I WISH WE COULD JUST NOT BE MARRIED
FOR A LITTLE BIT.
YOU KNOW, I JUST WISH WE COULD BE, LIKE, ON A BREAK.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT.
IT'S SO EASY FOR YOU.
YOU'RE NOT MARRIED.
YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT.
YEAH, I CAN.
AND DON'T THINK I DON'T, BECAUSE I DO.
ALL THE TIME, YOU BETCHA.
MONICA? HMM?
YOU'VE… YOU'VE DONE IT, RIGHT?
OF COURSE I HAVE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M, LIKE…
SOME 30-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN?
OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE A 30-YEAR- OLD VIRGIN!
SAY IT LOUDER.
I DON'T THINK THE GUY ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK HEARD YOU.
YEAH, I HEARD IT.
IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T HAD THE OPPORTUNITY.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, JUST…
I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE PERFECT GUY.
MM-HMM.
I'M SEEING THIS GUY, ROGER.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT PERFECT, BUT, UH
I'M THINKING MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GET IT OVER WITH.
YOU KNOW, GIVE HIM MY FLOWER.
OH, MY GOD, DO IT.
HONEY, YOU'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE RIGHT.
YES!
SEX DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BIG DEAL.
THERE SHOULDN'T BE ALL THESE RULES AND RESTRICTIONS, YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SLEEP WITH WHOEVER THEY WANT
WHENEVER… RACHEL…
I'M NEVER GOING TO THINK IT'S OKAY
FOR YOU TO CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND.
OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, VIRGIN?
PHOEBE?
WHY IS SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM?
OH, YEAH, THE DOCTOR SAID
THAT COULD BE ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS.
PHOEBE, PUT THAT CIGARETTE OUT.
NO, IT'S NOT A CIGARETTE.
THE SMOKE IS COMING OUT OF ME.
PUT IT OUT!
OKAY, OKAY!
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
COME ON.
I GOT IT. GIVE IT TO ME.
I GOT IT. GIVE IT!
HELLO.
NO, SHE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.
OH. RIGHT.
NO PROBLEM. OKAY, BYE-BYE.
WAS IT MY WORK? WERE THEY MAD?
WAS IT JACK? DID HE YELL?
JUST RELAX.
NOBODY YELLED.
JACK JUST WAS CALLING
TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE GETTING BETTER.
THANK GOD.
YEAH, SHE'S FIRED.
You've done all you can, Dr. Wesley.
You've got to let her go.
I suppose you're right, nurse.
Good-bye and Godspeed, Hope Brady.
Not so fast, Wesley.
Ramoray.
That's right, Wesley.
I just stopped by to say that…
you're not a real doctor…
and that woman's brain…
is fine.
OH, THANK GOD!
OH, THANK GOD.
Hope.
Drake.
You're not dying, Hope.
You're going to live a long, healthy life…
with me.
Oh, Drake.
OKAY. HERE WE GO.
OKAY.
MM…
HI, JOEY.
IT'S RACHEL.
UM, I AM FREE TOMORROW NIGHT.
YEAH, SURE. SURE, I COULD BRING SOME SANDWICHES.