So, honey, this, uh…
This threesome thing? Uh…
How are we even gonna find––
Actually, I'm making a list of women I know who might be into this.
Oh. Wow.
Huh.
Boy.
Well, someone's been doing their homework.
Yeah. Oh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice,
but she is so…
Oh, I know.
You know, just talking about it is getting me kind of…
–I know. Me too. –Yeah?
I think Ben's asleep.
Oh, um…
You know, I think it'll be better if we just save it.
Yeah.
Right. Save it. I can do that.
–Hey, Pheebs. – Hey.
How's it going?
I've got to get out of this bed. I'm going crazy here! Crazy!
Here you go, sweetie.
What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea.
–I put some honey in it. –Nyeh nyeh honey nyeh nyeh.
–She doesn't know she was fired? –No, the doctors say it may kill her.
What are you two girls whispering about over there?
But I think we should tell her.
Ugh, I mean, it's just so realistic.
I know. Yeah.
–His name's Pat. –Pat the dog.
Oh! Oh! I get it!
Oh, God.
You, uh… You…
–ready for a refill? –Oh, I probably shouldn't.
–Oh. –So I will!
Wow.
–It's like it's raining. –Pretty cool, huh?
But if you think a fish wouldn't get sucked into the mechanism,
well, you'd be wrong.
Um, can I use your bathroom?
–It's, uh, right through there. –Okay. Ah.
You know, I gotta tell you.
If someone told me a week ago
that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani's apartment…
Life's pretty great, isn't it?
I hope you're hungry.
We're starting with oysters.
You know what they say about oysters, don't you?
They have parasites?
No.
Um, well, some people say that oysters are an aphrodisiac.
–What people? –People.
People say it.
Come here.
–So, oysters, huh? –
And then we're gonna have a little Middle Eastern couscous.
Something we can eat…
with our hands.
When we were studying communicable diseases––
No, no, no.
It's sensual.
–Oh. Didn't know. Okay. –Okay.
Oh, no!
I'm sorry, it's the hospital.
The food looks great. Save me some?
I can't promise anything.
We're really gonna do this, huh?
Looks like it.
If this is too weird for you, you can still back out––
–I got it! –Okay.
–Susan, hi. –Hey.
–Thank you so much for coming. –I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I'm Ross, by the way.
Hello, Ross.
–I love what you've done with this space. –Thank you so much.
How hot is this?
I'm sorry you're here with me instead of Roger.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I could make it seem like he's here.
"Here's some little–known facts about couscous.
They didn't add the second 'cous' until 1979."
Stop it! That's not funny!
Okay.
I'm sorry, okay? It's just…
tonight was supposed to be, you know, a big deal.
–What was tonight? –You don't want to know what tonight was.
Okay.
What was tonight?
Tonight was going to be my first time.
With Roger?
Not just with Roger? Oh, my God.
All right, relax, Mr. I've–Had–Sex–Four–Times!
Four different women!
I've had sex way more times.
How many?
Nine.
I'm just waiting for the perfect guy.
Well, good. Good for you. You really think Roger's the perfect guy?
No, but he's not a horrible guy.
That's what I tell girls about me.
Chandler, I'm gonna die a virgin!
No, you're not. You are sweet and wonderful,
and this is gonna happen for you.
Oh, really? When? Do you want to do it with me?
Okay.
I was kidding.
So was I.
Joey.
You're such an amazing actor.
How do you know where Dr. Drake Ramoray leaves off
and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Well, with Dr. Drake…
they always tell me what to say.
And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
–Wow. –Mmm.
Tell me something. Whoa!
–I just fell right off the couch there. –Yeah, you did.
I'm okay.
–Here you go. Let me ask you a question. –Whoops. Yeah.
When was the last time
someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Wow.
I can't feel my hands.
Come on. Come here.
–Huh? –Huh.
–Oh? –Ooh.
–We can't do this. –No!
–Oyster? –Yeah.
If–– If! If we did do this, there'd be a lot of pressure on me.
Because you've waited a long time, and I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
But I have nothing to compare it to.
So even if you were horrible, how would I know?
I do like that.
It's harder for me. I have four women to compete with.
Well, if it helps, there were only three.
So it'd just be for tonight?
Absolutely. It would just be one friend helping out another friend.
Stop it. We're not doing this.
–Let's do it! –No!
–Okay! –Okay!
So, um…
Do you have any, uh, moves?
I have some moves.
–I have no moves. –Okay.
Oh, okay, what you doing there?
–I'm sorry, this is just too weird. –Yeah, forget it.
–What if I turn out the lights? –Okay.
Oh, yeah.
– Chandler? – Yeah?
That's the couch.
Oh, my God!
I know!
I'll tell you something.
We are gonna do that again!
–Oh, okay! –Ah!
Morning.
–Oh, right. –Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, I can't believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up.
He actually saw you a little bit too.
No.
Oh, God, we–– We didn't, uh…
No. No, no.
Not after seeing that.
God, I'm just a horrible person.
–Well, why? –Because I'm married.
That's right, I'm a married woman.
I came to a TV star's apartment to have an affair. Ugh!
That's ridiculous.
I'm not a "star."
I'm just a regular famous actor.
And I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Rachel, will you stop saying that?
Hey. Hey, look.
Remember on the show when Capri was dying?
–And she gave me–– –The ring from the cave. Yeah.
Wow.
Uh, okay, well…
Uh…
Oh, my God! They let you keep that stuff?
Sure. As long as they don't find out, you can keep whatever you want.
And I want you to have it.
–No, I couldn't. –Yes. Yes.
And every time you look at it,
I want you to remember that you are a good person.
Now, you had the chance to cheat,
and with me.
But you didn't. And that's what this ring stands for.
But I thought that ring stood for Capri's undying love for her brother.
–Look, you want the ring or not? –Yeah!
Hey, look at you! You're up!
– All right. –I thought I'd try to take a walk.
You pour me some water. I'll be back soon.
Whoa, whoa. You're not gonna call work, are you?
No. I've learned my lesson.
Let's go. Come on. Move it.
Phoebe, come on!
Shoes, briefcase. Thanks, Lou. Good luck with the gallbladder.
Hey, Joe…
did you ever have a threesome?
Look, Ross. Carol's great, and I'm sure you're a very attractive man, but––
No, I––
No. The reason I'm asking is that…
I sort of had one last night.
–You? –Yeah.
–Wow. All right. –Yeah.
So? Was it amazing?
It was… okay.
Just okay? Did you do it right?
Look, it's just, did you ever go to a party and think,
"Would anyone really miss me if I weren't here?"
Huh.
But still, Ross.
Your worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day.
Oh, oh, no, absolutely.
–Yeah. –Yeah.
It's just…
my part seemed to be over pretty quickly,
and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Oh.
But you got to be with both of them, right?
Not really.
Eh, just Carol.
–Not the other one? –No, she kept kicking me away.
–You don't want that. –No.
Hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff.
Oh, I saw a lot of stuff.
–You get a little bored? –A little.
–Yeah. Made a snack. –Yeah?
–What'd you have? –Just a sandwich.
Turkey. A little mustard.
–Sounds good. –It really was.
–Hey. –Hey.
Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night.
–Oh, no, wait a minute, that was you. –
Hey, check me out. I'm a slut!
So you, uh, want to do something tonight?
Oh, I can't. Dr. Roger's coming over again.
Oh. Oh, right.
Right. Because you're still seeing him, and, uh, he's a good guy.
I remember a time…
–Are you okay? –Yeah, totally.
Totally. Are you?
Great. It's so amazing.
Last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous.
But after being with you, I'm like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
I'll bet he can.
"I don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical."
You sure you're okay?
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.
Aah!
My God! Barry!
–You said you'd be away all weekend! –Oh!
That's right, I'm sorry. I am early!
Finish, please!
Surprise, look who's back.
–Hey, Pheebs. –Hey.
Call security.
Pheebs, uh, didn't you get fired?
Heh, I don't think so.
–Phoebe? –Jack! Hey.
–What are you doing here? –All better. Back to work.
This clown from research told me I was fired.
He should do his research, huh?
Well, you were fired.
Nuh–uh.
I told that guy who answered your phone.
Oh, okay. I didn't get that message. So this doesn't count.
–Anyway, I'll be in my office. –Uh…
Phoebe, you don't have an office.
All right, I'll work right here.
This is good. Next to this plant.
–Phoebe, let's–– –You're in my office.
Look, I've made a lot of cash for this company. I am talking big bucks!
Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake––
You lost 13 million dollars.
So now this is all about money?
You know, it's bad enough that–– Ow!
Oh, you have got to be kidding.
–Are you all right? –I'm having another heart attack.
–What? –I'm having another heart attack!
Call 911!
Dumb–ass!
Pheebs, how's it going?
They fired me, and I'm having a heart attack.
–Well, welcome back. –Yeah.
–Hi, Ross. –Hi, Rachel.
–Is Joey Tribbiani here? –Um, no.
If you see him, please tell him that I'm looking for him,
and that this time I am not gonna throw up!
–Are you okay? –Me? I'm great!
I'm fine! I'm so good.
But you know who's not great?
Men!
–You're a man, right, Ross? –Yeah.
–Sit down. –Okay.
Let me, uh, ask you something.
Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Why is it that the second we go out of town,
bam, there you are in bed with the neighbor's dog–walker?
We're sorry.
No, seriously. Seriously. What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
–Didn't you spend last night at Joey's? –Oh, what are you, a detective?
I don't know what's going on with you and your husband
and what is hopefully an adult dog–walker.
Look, can I just say, not all men are like that.
–Ugh. –Hey, there are some men
who'll do whatever to make their marriage work.
There are some men who will stand by and watch
as their wives engage in what can only be described as a "twosome…"
with some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Who are these men?
Just men. A guy I know.
Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife…
is gay.
She is not…
She's gay.
Oh, my God.
She is so gay!
I can't believe this.
Good day for married people, huh?
I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
I'm sorry your wife is gay.
I guess women aren't that great either.
Try telling my wife that.
Okay to come in?
Yeah, come in, eat, whatever you want.
Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Yeah, I know. Guess who beeped him?
–What? –I'm the ruptured spleen.
–Why would you do that? –Because you shouldn't be with him.
You should be with me.
–Really? –When you were talking about Roger,
that was killing me. Look.
Things like last night don't just happen.
At least not to me. I mean, with the other two women…
in the morning, I couldn't wait to just go hang out with my friends.
But with you…
I was, you know, already with a friend.
Chandler.
You probably don't want to go out with me.
I make too many jokes, I've never been in a serious relationship,
and I guess I'm not technically a "doctor."
There was just one woman, wasn't there?
No, there were two.
–Including me? –Oh, yeah.
It only takes two heart attacks To finally make you see
One of them won't do it But the second will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger It's time to say goodbye
And that is just what I will do
Soon as those bastards I worked for die
La, la–la la, la la la la la la La la la, la la la–la–la la