20% IS A PRETTY GENEROUS TIP, JOE.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT'S MORE GENEROUS THAN THAT? 50%.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S
EVEN MORE GENEROUS THAN THAT?
I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE GREED, JOE?
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS
BUT IT'S JUST THAT I GOT TO GET
THESE NEW HEAD SHOTS MADE, AND THEY'RE REALLY EXPENSIVE
YOU KNOW?
I'M DOWN TO, LIKE, THREE.
ACTUALLY, TWO 'CAUSE ONE OF THEM
I KIND OF BLACKENED IN SOME TEETH.
WHY'D I DO THAT?
GOD!
WELL, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO
TO EARN A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY?
I MEAN, CAN'T YOU PICK UP…
I DON'T KNOW, AN EXTRA SHIFT HERE?
OR… YOU KNOW, I USED TO BEG FOR MONEY.
OF COURSE, IT HELPS
IF YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE OF THIS GOING ON.
WOW. I STILL HAVE IT.
YEAH.
OH, WAIT, WAIT. DON'T YOU HAVE AN AUDITION TODAY?
YEAH, MAYBE YOU'LL GET THAT JOB.
OH, HA, HA, HA.
OOH!
WAIT A MINUTE… I USED TO GET MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS
DONE ON ME ALL THE TIME.
AH, FINALLY AN EXPLANATION.
NO, NO, I USED TO GET PAID
FOR ALL KINDS OF MEDICAL STUFF, REMEMBER?
LET'S SEE, UH… WELL, I DON'T WANT TO DONATE SPERM AGAIN.
I REALLY PREFER DOING THAT AT THE HOME OFFICE, YOU KNOW.
OOH, OOH!
MAYBE THEY WANT SOME OF MY BLOOD OR SPIT OR SOMETHING, HUH? JOEY.
YEAH. WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS
WHILE YOU'RE WORKING?
UH… DO IT?
THAT GUY'S BEEN WAITING FOR HIS COFFEE FOR TEN MINUTES.
HE'S COMPLAINED ABOUT YOU THREE TIMES.
WELL, WHERE WAS I?
HI. HEY.
HEY, WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN UP TO?
OH, WE WENT TO A SELF-DEFENSE CLASS TODAY.
WOW. YEAH.
KICKING A GUY IN THE CROTCH ALL MORNING
REALLY TAKES IT OUT OF YOU.
TAKES IT OUT OF YOU?
NO, NOW WE CAN KICK ANYBODY'S ASS.
YEAH.
AFTER ONE CLASS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT? YOU WANT TO SEE ME SELF-DEFEND MYSELF?
GO OVER THERE AND PRETEND YOU'RE A SEXUAL PREDATOR.
GO ON, I DARE YOU!
WELL, OF COURSE, YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELF
FROM AN ATTACK YOU KNOW IS COMING.
THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.
LOOK, I STUDIED KAR-ATEY FOR A LONG TIME
AND THERE'S A CONCEPT
YOU SHOULD REALLY BE FAMILIAR WITH.
IT'S WHAT THE JAPANESE CALL UNAGI.
ISN'T THAT A KIND OF SUSHI?
NO, IT'S A CONCEPT.
YEAH, IT IS. IT IS. IT'S FRESHWATER EEL.
ALL RIGHT, MAYBE IT MEANS THAT, TOO.
OH, I WOULD KILL
FOR A SALMON SKIN ROLL RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW, FINE, GET ATTACKED; I DON'T EVEN CARE.
COME ON, ROSS. WE'RE SORRY.
PLEASE TELL US WHAT IT IS.
UNAGI IS A STATE OF TOTAL AWARENESS, OKAY?
ONLY BY ACHIEVING TRUE UNAGI CAN YOU BE PREPARED
FOR ANY DANGER THAT MAY BEFALL YOU.
YOU MEAN, IN CASE SOMEONE'S TRYING TO STEAL
YOUR BAMBOO SLEEPING MAT OR YOUR KETTLE OF FISH?
ALL I'M SAYING IS, IT'S ONE THING BEING PREPARED
FOR AN ATTACK AGAINST, LIKE, EACH OTHER.
WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY BEING PREPARED FOR AN ATTACK
I DON'T KNOW, LIKE, A SURPRISE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE UNAGI.
OOH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF WE MADE RESERVATIONS
WE COULD HAVE UNAGI IN ABOUT A HALF HOUR.
YOU KNOW WHAT…?
HEY, HEY, IS MONICA HERE?
NO. UH-UH.
LOOK, I NEED YOUR HELP… I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO GET HER FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
WELL, VALENTINE'S DAY WAS TWO WEEKS AGO
SO I WOULDN'T GET HER A CALENDAR.
SHE WAS WORKING ON VALENTINE'S DAY
SO WE'RE CELEBRATING IT TONIGHT.
OH, HEY, WHY DON'T YOU BOOK A DAY FOR BOTH OF YOU
AT ONE OF THOSE ROMANTIC SPAS?
OOH, JOEY, THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
YEAH, AND, OF COURSE, CROTCHLESS PANTIES.
WELL, AS APPEALING
AS THAT DOES SOUND TO HER BOYFRIEND…
AND HER BROTHER…
I CAN'T DO THAT.
WE PROMISED WE'D MAKE EACH OTHER GIFTS THIS YEAR.
OH, I LOVE THAT. YOU GUYS!
YOU CAN'T MAKE CROTCHLESS PANTIES?
YOU TAKE…
YOU TAKE A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND JUST CUT THE…
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!
SO, MAKING THINGS… THAT SOUNDS SO MUCH FUN.
YEAH, I THOUGHT SO, TOO
UNTIL I PAPIER-MACHE'D ONE OF MY EYES SHUT.
I LOVE PAPIER-MACHE.
WHAT DID YOU MAKE?
I MADE A ( gibberish ).
WHAT IS THAT?
NOTHING! OH.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
WELL, HAVE YOU GUYS MADE ANYTHING
THAT MAYBE I COULD TAKE CREDIT FOR?
OOH, I HAVE. I HAVE.
UM, I STARTED MAKING THESE LITTLE SOCK BUNNIES.
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
LOOK.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT IS MY SOCK.
NOW IT'S YOUR LITTLE BUNNY FRIEND.
OKAY.
THIS… THIS ACTUALLY IS A ( gibberish ).
HEY!
HEY.
HONEY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION
ABOUT THE VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS?
OH, YEAH.
DO WE HAVE TO MAKE THE ENTIRE THING?
YES.
WHY, DID YOU FORGET TO MAKE YOURS?
OF COURSE… OF COURSE NOT.
I JUST HAVE TO, UH…
GO OVER TO THE PLACE WHERE I MADE IT AND PICK IT UP.
OKAY. I CAN'T WAIT.
THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
MAKE THE PRESENTS!
WHAT?
I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO MAKE THE PRESENTS!
SHOOT!
HI. UH, I'M JOEY TRIBBIANI
AND, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT
I'D LIKE TO DONATE SOME FLUIDS.
WE'RE ACTUALLY AT THE END OF ONE OF OUR RESEARCH CYCLES
SO WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR APPLICANTS RIGHT NOW.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD; I KIND OF BEEN SAVING UP.
UH… ARE YOU SURE
THERE'S NO STUDIES I COULD PARTICIPATE IN?
WELL, HERE'S A SCHEDULE OF WHAT'S COMING UP.
AH, THANKS.
BUT THIS ONE STARTS NOW.
OH, THAT ONE IS AVAILABLE NOW
BUT ONLY IDENTICAL TWINS ARE ELIGIBLE; IT'S A TWIN STUDY.
BUT IT'S $2,000.
SORRY.
OH.
AND, WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
"TESTING THE EFFECTS OF JOEY TRIBBIANI
ON ATTRACTIVE NURSE RECEPTIONIST."
WE ALREADY GOT THE RESULTS BACK ON THAT ONE
AND THEY'RE NOT GOOD.
…BUT IT WAS GOOD.
THOSE LAST MOVES WERE…
DANGER! DANGER!
ROSS!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
A LESSON IN THE IMPORTANCE OF UNAGI.
OH!
YOU'RE A FREAK!
PERHAPS.
NOW, I'M CURIOUS…
AT WHAT POINT DURING THOSE GIRLISH SCREAMS
WOULD YOU HAVE BEGUN TO "KICK MY ASS"?
ALL RIGHT, SO WE WEREN'T PREPARED.
I'M SORRY I HAD TO TAKE
SUCH DRASTIC MEASURES TO MAKE MY POINT
BUT, LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO BE SAFE.
OH. OH.
DANGER!
UH-HUH.
UNAGI.
2,000 BUCKS IS A LOT OF MONEY.
BOY, I WISH I HAD A TWIN.
WHERE COULD I FIND SOMEONE…
WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ME?
HEY.
CHANDLER…
I SENSED IT WAS YOU.
WHAT?
UNAGI.
I'M ALWAYS AWARE.
OKAY, ARE YOU AWARE THAT UNAGI IS AN EEL?
WHAT'S UP?
I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT TO MAKE MONICA.
WHY NOT MAKE HER ONE OF YOUR LITTLE JOKES?
I'M GOING CRAZY, OKAY?
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING AROUND HERE
THAT LOOKS HOMEMADE?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE'D LOVE THIS.
IT'S AN EXACT REPLICA OF APOLLO EIGHT.
I MADE IT IN THE SIXTH GRADE.
YEAH, I GUESS I COULD USE THAT.
I COULD SAY, "YOUR LOVE SENDS ME TO THE MOON."
YEAH, YEAH.
EXCEPT APOLLO EIGHT DIDN'T ACTUALLY LAND ON THE MOON.
BUT YOU COULD WRITE
"YOUR LOVE LETS ME ORBIT THE MOON TWICE
AND RETURN SAFELY."
WAIT A MINUTE, I CAN'T GIVE THIS TO HER.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IT SAYS "CAPTAIN ROSS" ON THE SIDE…
AND IT SAYS "I HATE MONICA" ON THE BOTTOM.
MM-HMM.
DANGER! DANGER!
AH…
SALMON SKIN ROLL.
OKAY… OKAY…
YES, HONEY, I'VE MADE IT MYSELF.
I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT.
OH! OH!
A MIX TAPE! A MIX TAPE!
OKAY, HI.
UH, YOU READY TO EXCHANGE GIFTS?
SURE.
OKAY, YOU GO FIRST.
OKAY, COME HERE. COME HERE.
OKAY. NOW, IT'S NOT WRAPPED
BECAUSE I JUST, JUST FINISHED IT.
OKAY.
BUT I MADE YOU A TAPE
OF WHAT I THINK ARE ALL ROMANTIC SONGS.
WHAT A GREAT GIFT.
IS "THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT" ON IT?
MAYBE. WE'LL HAVE TO LISTEN AND SEE.
OH, I LOVE IT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OKAY.
YOU READY TO OPEN YOURS?
YEAH. OKAY.
IT'S A SOCK BUNNY.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU REMEMBER HOW I CALL YOU "BUNNY"?
NOT REALLY.
WELL, I DID ONE TIME
AND I WANT TO START DOING IT MORE.
SEE, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. I SEE.
YOU KNOW, UM… PHOEBE MAKES SOCK BUNNIES.
NO, NO, SHE DOESN'T.
PHOEBE, WHAT SHE MAKES, THEY'RE SOCK RABBITS.
THEY'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
OKAY! OKAY!
OKAY
I DIDN'T MAKE IT.
I'M SORRY. I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT TONIGHT
AND THE FACT THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE PRESENTS.
OH, IT'S OKAY. I DON'T, I…
NO, NO, IT'S NOT OKAY. IT'S NOT.
I MEAN, YOU WERE JUST… YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE
AND YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THIS TIME AND EFFORT TO MAKE
THIS TAPE FOR ME; YOU KNOW, I'M JUST GOING TO…
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE THIS UP TO YOU… I WILL.
I AM GOING TO… COOK YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT IN HERE
AND I'M GOING TO DO ANYTHING YOU WANT IN THERE.
WELL, I DID PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO THE TAPE.
WOW.
YOU ARE WAY TOO YOUNG TO HAVE SEEN THAT.
YOU KNOW, YOUR BIRTHDAY'S IN A MONTH AND A HALF.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
I FORGET TO GET YOU A PRESENT FOR THAT TOO?
YOU ARE TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY 100% FORGIVEN.
WE HAVE GOT TO WASH THAT.
YEAH.
HEY.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT JACKET THAT YOU LOVED SO MUCH
THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS TOO EXPENSIVE?
YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH.
I'M GOING TO WAKE UP EARLY AND GO GET IT FOR YOU.
NO, YOU DON'T HAVE… GET IT IN BLACK, NOT BROWN.
OOP! YOUR CAKE IS READY.
OOP.
WELL, IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SAYING…
"HAVE SEX, EAT SOME CAKE."
HEY, MON. HEY, CHAN.
JUST GETTING A SODA.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M JOEY.
HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
HOW YOU DOIN'?
DAMN IT, CARL. GO WAIT IN THE HALL.
LOOK.
I'VE GOT TO APOLOGIZE ON BEHALF OF CARL.
WHO THE HELL IS CARL?
OH, DID I NOT MENTION?
CARL
IS A GUY I HIRED TO BE MY IDENTICAL TWIN
FOR A MEDICAL RESEARCH PROJECT.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE GOOD IDEAS ARE
JUST RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, AREN'T THEY?
I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT WORK
BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, CARL'S ACTING IS…
THE ONLY PROBLEM?
YEAH, HE'S THE REASON I DIDN'T GET
THAT BIG MINUTE MAID COMMERCIAL
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, REMEMBER?
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BROTHERS, BUT HE MESSED IT UP.
HEY.
UH, CAN I GET A LITTLE PIECE OF THAT CAKE?
PIZZA! WE LIKE PIZZA!
GET OUT!
PAT SAJAK?
YEAH.
ALEX TREBEK?
OH, OF COURSE.
CHUCK WOOLERY.
DEFINITELY, PHOEBE.
YOU WILL NOT FIND A SINGLE GAME SHOW HOST
WHOSE ASS I CANNOT KICK.
SAY IT!
SAY "WE ARE UNAGI."
IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU ARE; IT'S SOMETHING YOU HAVE.
SAY IT!
YOU KNOW, I COULD EASILY GET OUT OF THIS
BUT THERE'S A CHANCE YOU COULD GET VERY, VERY HURT.
ALL RIGHT, CARL, WE'RE NEXT.
NOW REMEMBER
WHAT IS THIS NOT GOING TO BE?
ANOTHER MINUTE MAID FIASCO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WHAT ARE YOU NOT GOING TO DO?
I'M NOT GOING TO TALK BECAUSE…
THAT… DAMN IT, CARL!
CAN I HAVE THE NEXT ONE, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
JOEY AND TONY TRIBBIANI.
THAT'S US.
BUT, UH…
THIS IS A STUDY FOR IDENTICAL TWINS.
THAT'S RIGHT… $2,000.
BUT YOU'RE NOT IDENTICAL TWINS.
DAMN IT, CARL!
OH, MY GOOD GOD.
OKAY, CONTINUING THE COUNTDOWN
OF YOUR FAVORITE MEALS.
MACARONI AND CHEESE WITH CUT-UP HOT DOGS.
LOOK, YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH, OKAY?
YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS NOW.
I WILL BUT NOT TONIGHT.
AND FOR DINNER MUSIC, I THOUGHT
WE COULD LISTEN TO THAT TAPE THAT YOU MADE ME.
OH, THE MIX TAPE.
"THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT" IS ON HERE.
DANCE WITH ME?
YOU ARE JUST THE SWEETEST…
I love the way you look
every night, Chandler.
That's why I made you this tape.
Happy Birthday!
Love, Janice.
NO, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST…
OKAY, LADIES, THAT ENDS TODAY'S CLASS, AND LET'S REMEMBER…
LET'S BE SAFE OUT THERE.
IT'S A GREAT CLASS.
THANKS, MAN.
YEAH, YEAH, I WAS WATCHING.
UM, HEY, A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, THOUGH.
UM, YOU KNOW, ABOUT THAT LAST MOVE
WHERE THAT WOMAN TRIPPED YOU AND THEN PINNED YOU
TO THE FLOOR?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO NEXT?
WELL, AND THEN SHE'D TAKE HER KEYS AND TRY TO JAM THEM…
NO, NO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO NEXT?
WHO, ME, THE ATTACKER?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY?
I TRIED ATTACKING TWO WOMEN.
DID NOT WORK.
WHAT?
NO, I MEAN, IT'S OKAY.
I MEAN, THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.
IN FACT, I WAS MARRIED TO ONE OF THEM.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU ATTACKED YOUR EX-WIFE?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I TRIED
BUT I COULDN'T.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
MAYBE WE COULD ATTACK THEM TOGETHER.
THAT'S A "NO."
I AM SO, SO, SO, SO SORRY.
UH-HUH.
OH! AND I WILL COOK ANYTHING YOU WANT IN HERE
AND DO ANYTHING YOU WANT IN THERE.
YEAH, YOU WILL, AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OH, COME ON, MONICA, IT'S OUR VALENTINE'S DAY.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?
OKAY.
OKAY?
SO ARE WE GOING IN THERE?
I AM.
AHA.
NOWHERE TO RUN.
I DON'T LIKE SITTING UP HERE.
I'M GOING OVER THERE.
NO, RACHEL, THEY GOT HERE FIRST.
WHAT?
WHY IS ROSS DOING THAT?
DANGER!
OH, MY GOD!
WHY IS HE JUMPING ON THOSE WOMEN?
WE SHOULD HELP THEM.
I… I DON'T THINK THEY NEED ANY HELP.