Great. Great. Just give me a sec to change film.
Okay. I know I'm not supposed to know, but I do and I am so excited for you.
- Why? What's going on? - Monica's pregnant.
Oh, my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?
- Guys, I'm not pregnant! - Ah, slow swimmers?
What? What do you mean? You're not pregnant?
- You didn't tell anybody I was, did you? - No.
I'll be right back.
Now why don't we get a shot of Monica and the bloody soldier?
Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
I can't. I don't have any other clothes.
Find some. Please! Anything that doesn't say, "I died tragically in France."
Then why don't we see the bride and the groom, and the bridesmaids?
Hey, Mon? Why did you tell the guys that you weren't pregnant?
Because I'm not.
We found your test in the trash. If you're not pregnant...
it's because I am.
What are you talking about?
Yes. Ahem. I am with child.
And I didn't wanna say anything because it's your day.
- I didn't wanna steal your thunder. - So you told people I was pregnant?
Does this look like a conversation I wanna remember?
- Who's the father? - Yeah.
I can't say.
- Why? - Why not?
I can't say because he's famous.
Oh, my God, who is it?
Come on, you have to tell us.
Okay, okay. It's James Brolin.
James Brolin is the father of my baby.
As in, Barbra Streisand's husband, James Brolin?
What? He never said that to me.
Monica, if you can step away, we'll get Chandler and the bridesmaids.
How about just the bridesmaids?
I am the groom. I was told it was kind of a big deal.
It is. Yeah.
- Oh, my God! - Thank you for doing that.
I just can't deal with this just quite yet.
- So instead you told me Monica was pregnant? - You did, I just didn't disagree.
- Sneaky! - Yeah.
Smile, ladies! - Ohh.
- By the way, James Brolin? - Ugh. I know.
I could only think of two names: Him and Ed Begley Jr. And then...
I remembered he's gay, so...
- Ed Begley Jr. Is not gay. - Really?
Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...
to introduce to you for the first time:
Mr. And Mrs. Chandler Bing!
- Before we go out there, I got a present for you. - I'm not gonna put my hand in your pocket.
- No. - No?
- I've been taking dancing lessons. - What?
Yeah, for the last 6 weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you'd never forget.
Aww. That is so sweet!
So would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
- Yes. - Okay.
- What's the matter? - These new shoes are all slippery.
- Are you going to be able to do this? - Not well.
Well, the good news is I don't think anyone's looking at us.
- So you ready to talk about it? - No.
Now?
No.
Okay, we'll talk about something else.
- Thank you. - Who's the father?
Uh. Look, honey, I haven't told him yet...
so until I do, I don't think I should tell anybody else.
Yeah. That's fine. That's fair. Is it Tag?
Ugh. Phoebe!
- Okay. I'm sorry, I'll stop. - Okay.
Is it Ross? It's Ross, isn't it?
- Oh, my God, it's Joey! - Honey, stop it, okay?
I'm not going to tell you until I tell him.
Ah-ha! At least we know it's a him.
Oh, sweet lord.
I'm sorry, okay?
I went down to the gift shop, and it was either this or a bathrobe.
Look, what's more important? The way I'm dressed or me being with you today?
Honey, I'm not even going to pretend I was listening. Hey! Hey.
Hi.
I'm Ross. I don't believe we've met. I'm Monica's older brother.
- Hi, I'm Mona from her restaurant. - Oh.
Hello, "Mona from her restaurant."
Mona. What a beautiful name.
You think so? I always kind of hated it.
- Aw, come on! Mona Lisa? - Uh-huh.
Mona...
Klegglachen?
The famous botanist. Huh?
Oh, no. She's... Well, she's dead now.
But supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Well, see, I never knew about her. - Linda Klegglachen...
So, what table are you at?
Oh, heh, me too.
Good. There will be someone who likes my name.
Yes, there will.
Guess what, Molly Gilbert. You've just been bumped up to table one.
And if it's all right with you, I'm gonna take your place at table six.
Martin Klegglachen!
That's better. Just bend your arms a little more. There you go. Look straight ahead.
Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it.
Chandler, darling. Look, my date has finally arrived. I'd like you to meet Dennis Phillips.
- Congratulations. - Thanks.
Dennis is a dear old friend. And a fantastic lover.
Bravo, Dennis, thanks for pleasing my mother so.
I'm so sorry I missed the ceremony. I was stuck at auditions.
Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.
Hi, I don't believe we've met. Joey Tribbiani.
- Dennis Phillips. - Wow. I've admired your work for years.
You've done some amazing stuff.
Thank you. Excuse me, I'll get myself a drink.
I'll be back in a moment.
Dennis Phillips! That's great! How did you guys meet?
Well, you know, it's a funny story.
Funny "ha-ha," or funny "boom, uh-oh!"
Thank you very much. Now if everyone will please take their seats, dinner will be served.
Hey.
- Uh, I thought you were at table six. - Uh, no. Nine.
Ohh. See, before, when you showed it to me, you held it that way...
which was misleading.
Well... I'll... um...
Hello.
Chandler! Will you see if your mom can give my résumé to Dennis Phillips?
Because if I can get into a Broadway show, I would've done it all:
Film, television and theater.
The only thing left would be radio, and that's just for ugly people.
- What size shoes do you wear? - Uh, eleven. Eleven and a half.
Great. My shoes are giving me a problem on the dance floor.
- Can I borrow the boots from your costume? - I don't know where I left those, so...
- Those aren't eleven and a half. - Okay, fine, I'm a 7!
All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good! I'll show you!
- Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant? - Let's not talk about that now.
- This is so huge. - Sure, but as big as your wedding?
Of course not. Nothing is.
- Wow. Between me and you? - Yeah.
In this day and age, how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
Hey, sometimes you can do everything right, wear what you're supposed to...
and one of those little guys just gets through.
- How? - I don't know, maybe they have tools.
Well, I talked to her, and she's definitely gonna have this baby.
She's gonna raise it on her own.
Well, maybe that's really brave.
I just hope she realizes how hard it's gonna be.
Maybe she hasn't really thought it through that much.
There's a lot to think about.
How is she gonna handle this financially? How is she gonna juggle work?
Does she realize she's not gonna have a date again for the next 18 years?
I don't know.
Are you okay?
Mm-hm.
I'm just thinking about Phoebe. Poor, knocked-up Phoebe.
- Champagne? - Oh, yes. Thank you very much. Whew.
That's actually how the French drink it.
Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin.
- Really? - Yes.
And apparently, he is married to some singer.
But he said he'd leave her for me. So I said, "Are you sure?"
- And James Brolin said... - Rachel's the one who's pregnant?
What?
Why bother?
How do you feel?
I don't know how I feel. This is all happening so fast.
I have to make all these decisions that I don't want to make.
Mm! Oh! Someone take this away from me!
- Calm down. Maybe you're not pregnant. - What?
When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took the test three times.
Yes. Maybe it's a false-positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
How many ways are there to do that?
I'm just saying, don't freak out until you're 100 percent sure.
I'll take it again at home.
You gotta take it now, as a present to me.
Okay. Thank you.
- I'll run out and get you one. - Aw, you girls are so great.
Wait a minute. Who's the father?
- She won't tell us. - Come on! It's my wedding.
That could be my present.
- Hey! I just gave you peeing on a stick. - See, this is why you register.
It was the chair again, okay? I'm not doing it!
It was... Look, I don't. You know what?
- Hi. - Hi.
- Would you like to dance? - Sure.
- Yeah. - Oh, great.
- Dr. Geller? - I wasn't farting!
Uh, a little game from our table.
- Yes? - Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?
Oh. Um...
Maybe later. I'm about to dance with this lady.
Okay.
Ooooh.
Unless this lady wouldn't mind letting you go first.
I'd be happy to. You are very sweet.
Ohh. Yes, I am.
In fact, why don't we try it my special way. You can dance on my feet.
- Sure. - Yeah? Hop on.
- Is the pretty lady looking? - Uh-huh.
Keep dancing.
And the world will never know.
- Hey! Did you talk to Dennis? - Yes. I told him how talented you were.
- I told him all about Days of our Lives. - No, you don't tell a Broadway guy that!
- Now he thinks I'm just a soap actor. - But you're not just a soap actor.
You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
Hey.
- Thank you. - No, thank you, Miranda.
- Melinda. - All right.
- How cute was that? - Oh! Were you watching?
- Can I go next? - Uh...
Of course you can. Hop on.
Okay. But I get to hop on after her.
- I am so gonna score! - What?
I like your bow.
I'd like to propose a toast to Monica and Chandler...
the greatest couple in the world, and my best friends.
When I first found out they were getting married, I was a little angry.
I was like, "Why, God? How can you take them away from me?"
But then I thought back over our memories together.
Some happy memories.
Then there were some sad memories.
I'm sorry.
And some scared memories. Whoa!
Huh?
And then I realized I'll always be their friend.
Their friend who can speak in many dialects...
has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity.
Oh... To the happy couple.
- That was nice. - Can we do it again?
No, no.
- So is it my turn? - I'm next.
Oh!
- That's okay, you can dance with her first. - Are you sure?
Okay.
- So what's your name? - Gert.
That's pretty.
Come on.
Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doing, Gert?
Dancing on your feet like the other girls did it.
Okay.
Hop on, Gert.
- Why aren't you moving your feet? - I'm trying.
Faster! You're not going fast enough!
Maybe I should stand on your feet!
So did you happen to catch my toast up there?
Oh, my God. That was for my benefit?
Well, I like to think there was something for everyone.
- I know you're casting for this new show. - Look, Joey, I don't think you're right for it.
See, that's where you're wrong. Whatever it is, I can do it.
- And if you didn't see it up there, just try me. - It's an all-Chinese cast.
Can you be Chinese?
- I'm not proud of this, but... - Oh, my God. No, please! Don't!
- Ready to get back on the dance floor? - Did it turn into sand?
- Come on, I love this song. You'll be fine. - No, I won't.
Do you know why I took all those lessons?
For the first time, I didn't want you to be embarrassed...
to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
Aww. Sweetie, you could never embarrass me.
Okay, you could easily embarrass me.
But it doesn't matter. Right?
I married you.
So I'm gonna dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on!
- Just try not to move your feet at all. - Oh.
There you go.
- Chandler, I'm gonna have you arrested. - Why?
You stole my moves.
- How much longer? - Thirty seconds.
Thirty seconds. Okay.
Did I miss it?
Rachel, I want you to know...
that if it's positive, we...
- I know. I know. - You do? Okay.
It's time.
No!
- Go ahead, Rach. - Oh, wait. You know what? I can't look at it.
I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me.
Okay. - Okay.
It's negative.
- What? - It's negative.
Oh.
Well, there you go.
Whew!
That is... That is really great, great news.
Because the whole...
not being ready, the financial aspects, all that...
This is so just the way it was supposed to be.
Well then, great.
God. This is so stupid.
How can I be upset over something I never had?
It's negative?
No, it's positive.
- What? - It's not negative, it's positive.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I lied before.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
- Now you know how you really feel about it. - Oh! That's a risky little game.
Are you really gonna do this?
Yeah. I'm gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna have a baby!
- With who? - No, it's still not the time.
I just didn't see the fast song coming.
Shh. Don't try to talk. We'll get you up to your room, soak your feet. You'll be okay.
- Oh, thank you. - That is so sweet!
- Yeah. - No, I mean it.
There's so few genuinely nice guys out there.
Tell me about it.
I feel like I'm holding down the fort all by myself.
- It's Joey, right? - Yeah.
Wait a minute! No! I'm the nice one!
I'm the one that danced with the kids all night.
How small are your feet?