Okay, this one's rare. This one is medium well. Go!
- Hey, Phoebe! How was dinner? - Hey!
Dinner was good! Just saying hi! Now I'm gonna go!
All right, okay.
- Oh. Well, hello there. - Hi.
I didn't see this on the menu.
Phoebe, this is Tim, my new sous chef.
- Oh. So you're Monica's boss? - Actually, she's my boss.
- "Sous" is French for "under." - Ah! I "sous-stand." Heh.
Tim, I need a calamari and a caesar salad. And could you get me the pesto?
- Yeah. - You made pesto?
Yes, I did.
Would you say your pesto is the best-o? Heh.
I don't know. I would say it's pretty good-o.
I still need the calamari and the salad.
- I like your necklace. - Oh, I made it myself.
- You are so talented. - Well, it's no pesto.
All right, let's just cut to the chase. Okay? You're single, you're single.
He gets off work at 11. She'll be waiting for your call.
I'll give him your number if I could just get calamari and caesar salad!
I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar.
- Wow, Bing! Burning the midnight oil. - You know me, sir.
Oh, I have a question. Do you know how can I get around the computer network...
so I can access the really good Internet porn?
You're a joker, Bing.
What's funny about that?
- Sorry I kept you waiting so long. - That's okay. Where do you wanna go?
Oh, uh, I think you know where I wanna go.
- The Hard Rock Cafe? - Yeah.
- Again? - Yeah.
- I'm telling you, I like the food. - You like the Purple Rain display.
- Hey, Bob. - Hey, Toby. Have a good night.
- Did that guy just call you Toby? - Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
- Why don't you correct him? - Oh, it's been way too long now.
The first time, we were passing each other so I didn't say anything.
The next time he said, "Hey, Toby, want a doughnut?"
And I wanted the doughnut.
Five years later, the doughnut's gone and I'm still Toby.
- Five years? Chandler, you have to tell him. - No, that would be so awkward.
Besides, we work in different departments. He's on the sixth floor.
So he calls me Toby once in a while. Big deal. Could be worse.
It's not like he's calling me Muriel.
Muriel. Why would he call you Muriel?
Oh, my God.
Chandler M. Bing.
It's not just an M. Your middle name is Muriel!
Shh! It is a family name.
Chandler Muriel Bing.
Your parents never even gave you a chance, did they?
Drake, I've discovered the reason for your headaches and memory loss.
What is it?
Apparently, your brain transplant was not entirely successful.
It seems your body is rejecting Jessica's brain.
Is it serious?
Not if we extract tissue from the original body...
synthesize antibodies, introduce them into your system...
which could stop you from rejecting the brain.
That sounds simple enough. Let's just do that.
We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica's body...
it was gone.
Cut. Very nice, people.
- Let me change and we can go to dinner. - Wh...? Oh.
- What happened to Jessica's body? - I'm not telling. You'll have to see it on TV.
- You don't know, do you? - No. Couldn't care less.
- Hey, good scene, man. All right. - You too.
- What? You weren't in it. - Oh...
Oh, sorry. Uh, Kash, this is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash.
- Hi. - How come I haven't seen you here before?
Well, heh. Joey probably just thinks I'll embarrass him.
He thinks I'm some kind of soap opera nut. Ha-ha-ha.
Which I'm not. I'm not. Ha, ha.
Although, I do know your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan.
And, uh... And your dog's name is Wally.
- Look at that, I'm just stroking your arm. - Here we go.
We're leaving. Bye, Kash. Say hi to Wally.
- Oh, Monica. - Hi.
Oh, my God, I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet.
Ugh! I can't wait to get "sous-neath" him.
- Uh, I... I have to fire him. - Why?
Because He's terrible. He's slow. He burns things.
Last night he lit my pastry chef on fire.
He was nervous. You can be very intimidating.
And I've met your pastry chef. She can stand to be taken down a peg.
Well, now she has no eyebrows. Mission accomplished.
But Monica, he loves his job so much.
Can't you just give him another chance, please?
All right. But if he lights someone else on fire, he is out of there.
That's fair. Thank you so much. Thanks.
Oops, looks like when he got the pastry chef, he got you a little bit too.
I paid to have this done.
Love it!
- Hey. - Hi.
Oh, you know, uh, Kash really liked you the other day.
- He said he thought you were charming. - Ha!
- I thought I was an idiot. - I'm with you.
- He asked if you'd go out with him. - Oh!
Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up a little.
- What did you say? - I said, "No." Heh.
What?
I figured since you're pregnant, you're not gonna be seeing people.
Okay, Joey.
First of all, Kash Ford? Not people.
Second, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?
I didn't. I didn't know if you were telling people.
This was back when I thought Kash was still "people."
- Good. Don't. Just have him call me. - I really don't think that's such...
Okay, you go do it. I'll come back to that set.
- I'll meet more actors. I'll meet them all. - Yup.
- Hey, Bob. - Hey! How's my pal Toby doing today?
- If I see him, I'll ask. - Aah!
Hey, Bing. Was that Bob from six you were just talking to?
- Yeah. - You know each other?
We're on a semi-first-name basis.
What do you think of adding him to our team?
Bob? Ooh.
Working here with us? Every day?
Yeah, I don't know if he has what it takes.
- Really? They love him down on six. - But this is 11.
It's almost twice as hard up here.
Okay, I hear you loud and clear.
- Bob will stay put. - I think it's best, sir.
We really do need to find somebody. Work is starting to pile up.
I've got a stack of documents on my desk this high.
What you should do, toss them in the shredder...
and claim you never got them.
That's a good one, Bing.
What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?
- Hey. - Okay, I gave him another chance...
but Tim has got to go. - But...
No! No, no. He's totally incompetent.
I called the chef who recommended him to me.
He said, "Ha, ha! Gotcha!"
- Okay, but you can't fire him today. - Why not?
- Because I'm dumping him today. - What? You said he was sweet.
He is sweet. He's too sweet. He calls me all the time.
"Did you get home from work okay? Did you get out of the shower okay?"
- Just don't pick up your phone. - Then he comes over!
"I was worried about you." Ugh, be a man!
So now I'm not allowed to fire him?
You can't fire him and dump him in the same day. He'll kill himself.
I fire him today, you go out with him another week.
Are you kidding? Another week with that simp, I'll kill myself.
Then we'll both do it today and he'll just have to deal with it.
Okay. But the question is, who's gonna go first?
Whoever goes second is the bitch.
- What do you mean? - The boss that fires a guy...
that's just been dumped? Bitch!
And the woman who dumps a guy that's just been fired?
Blond bitch!
I wanted to do this days ago, so I think I should go first.
Ugh. All right, that makes sense.
Agh, but...
screw you! I'm going first!
- Hey, Toby, you got a sec? - Sure, what's up?
I just had a meeting. I was hoping to get transferred up here.
But I found out it's not gonna happen.
Apparently somebody thinks I'm not "11 th-floor material."
Say, uh, who the hell is this Chandler?
What do you think is the better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date?
Um, "I'm a recovering alcoholic," "I'm a Mormon"...
or "I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk"?
- Hey. Hi.
So, what do you want to do tonight?
There's a Ukrainian film at the Angelika that's supposed to be very powerful.
- Interested? - No. No.
But I'll go see a normal-person movie with you.
- Rach, you wanna come? - Oh, no, I can't. I got a date.
- Heh. A date? - Yeah. Why, is that weird for you?
Why, no. It's the opposite of weird. It's, uh... It's regular. It's, uh...
It's mundane. It's actually a little dull.
It's no Ukrainian film, I'll tell you.
Ooh! Earrings!
- A date? She's got a date? With who? - I set her up with this actor on my show.
- You set her up? - No.
- Joey, what were you thinking? - That it would probably be okay...
because Ross hasn't gone out with Rachel in five years.
Joey, I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about my baby.
Whoever she dates, my baby dates.
- Where is this "actor" taking them? - Hey! I'm an "actor" too.
I'm not sure. I think they're taking the ferry to some Italian place on Staten Island.
A ferry? My baby's going on a ferry?
Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?
Aren't we talking about those big boats that go, like, five miles an hour?
Why don't they just jump out of an airplane? That's a fun date.
Or burn each other with matches? That's fun too.
Whoo!
- Hey, Joey. - Hey, Kash.
- Uh, hey, Ross, this is Kash. - Hey.
- Hey, I hear you're going on a ferry tonight. - Yeah.
Bit of a daredevil, are we?
Hey, you guys, do you think this is too slutty? Hi, Kash.
- Hey, Rachel. You ready to go? - Yeah. See you guys later.
- Okay. Have a great time, you guys. Thank you.
And yes, it is too slutty!
- Hi. - Ah!
Hi.
I'm so glad you called. I feel like it's always me calling you.
So, what's up? Is everything okay with Phoebe?
It will be in a minute. Listen.
- Tim, you're a really great guy. - That's because I'm with you.
Aw.
I'm just... I'm in a place in my life right now where I...
Whoops! So sorry. "This just in." Heh.
It's 911 from the restaurant. That means Monica needs me.
Oh, no, she doesn't! I know what that is. You can stay.
Aw...
I'll miss you too, Pheebs.
And I will be holding you right here.
So, what movie do you wanna see? And not another one I have to read.
I get enough of that from books.
- Books? - All right, car magazines, cereal boxes...
but it's, like, enough!
I tell you what, why don't we...?
Why don't we stay. Let's not see a movie. We'll just hang.
Just wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Hey, if that's what you wanna do, I'm not gonna say no.
Dude, what is going on?
- I just... I have to find out how it went. - Why?
This guy could be my baby's stepfather.
They go on one date and you're worried about them getting married?
He's not you.
I just, I can't believe she's dating.
- What did you think she was gonna do? - I don't know.
I guess I can't believe any of this is happening.
What do you mean?
I always thought when I had another kid, it'd be different.
I love Ben. But every time I drop him off at Carol and Susan's...
it breaks my heart a little.
I've always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday.
My kid comes running in, leaps up on the bed and we all read the paper together.
You know? Maybe fight over the science section.
That's a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that.
No, I can't. Rachel's out with some guy.
My baby went with her.
If anything, that picture keeps moving further away.
Hey, can I ask you something?
In this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel?
It used to be.
Now she doesn't really have a face.
Smoking body, though.
Good call. But the face, Ross, the face isn't Rachel.
No. But, ugh, how much easier would it be if it were?
I know, but I don't think that's what she wants.
It's not what I want either.
And I can't force myself to fall in love with her again.
Ross, maybe you need a new picture.
Okay? It's not gonna be what you thought. But no matter what...
there's gonna be a brand-new little baby. Your baby.
Who cares what the picture looks like?
Yeah.
Hey, tell you what. Let's you and me go out and have some fun.
Huh? Whatever you want. Come on.
- We can catch that Ukrainian film. - No, I said fun.
- Hey, Toby? - Hey, Bobby.
It's Bob, actually.
You work up here. Can you tell me where Chandler Bing's office is?
Uh, yeah, it's right...
Right there. Let me ask you, why?
Ha, ha, I wanna talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.
Okay, Bob, listen. Uh...
I'm the reason you didn't get the job.
- Toby, don't. - Bob.
Toby, I'm not gonna let you cover for him.
Anything you say will just get me more upset with Chandler.
Well that puts me in a difficult position.
- I got your page. Is everything okay? - Uh, well, that depends.
- How are things with Phoebe? - It's great. Thank you for introducing us.
Oh, my pleasure. Okay, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
- Phoebe! - Monica!
- I'm breaking up with you! - You're fired!
- What? - I'm breaking up with you.
- You're fired. - Why?
I'm sorry. I'm not ready for a relationship right now.
And I'm sorry too. But, well, I like things done a certain way.
- And the chemistry's just not right. - Ooh, good. The chemistry thing for us too.
Wow, heh. Um, okay. Um...
I realize I came on a little strong.
But it's only because I think you're so amazing.
And, uh...
I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here...
because you're the most talented chef I've ever worked for.
Anyway, heh.
- Tim, wait. Wait. Um... - Yeah?
I think I spoke too quickly. There's a learning curve with this job.
- Maybe we could try it again. - Really?
Thank you so much.
- Because I know I can be better. - Okay.
And Tim, I just want to say good luck here.
- Hello. Ha, ha. - Hi.
Uh, how was the date?
Well, I'm alone and I just bought $15 worth of candy bars. What do you think?
- Huh. What happened? - Made the mistake...
of telling him that I was pregnant.
- He didn't, uh, take it so well? - Well, better than you.
- But still not what you want. - Oh?
Yeah. He got all weird and sputtery. Then he said, uh:
"I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."
- He sounds swell. - Doesn't he?
Hey, you want a little cheering up?
- Yes. Okay. - Sit down.
Guess whose middle name is Muriel?
- Chandler M. Bing. - Yu-huh.
Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry about your date. - It's all right.
I guess I'm just done with the whole dating thing.
Just one more thing in my life that is suddenly completely different.
- This is hard. - Yeah, I know.
On the other hand, in, um...
In about seven months you're gonna have something...
that you're gonna love more than any guy you've ever gone out with.
Just wait. Wait until, uh...
Wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger.
You have no idea.
Thanks, sweetie.
- You wanna grab some coffee? - No. I'm gonna go eat 10 candy bars.
- I thought I cheered you up. - Oh, you did.
- There are 20 in here. - Right.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Ross? - Yeah?
Hey, it's Mona. From the wedding.
- Oh, hi! - Hi.
Wow, uh...
- How are you? - I'm good, except, um...
you still owe me a dance.
- Oh, that's right. - Mm.
Well, uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Oh, you're serious. Sure.
Great. Well, uh...
I think I might need one more cup of coffee.
- Sure, uh, let me get it for you. - Okay.
Bob? Bob!
Bob!
- What the hell are you doing? - I just found out this is Chandler's office.
Come on, Toby. Give me a hand!