Hey, Rach, listen. Did you know that during pregnancy...
your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back?
Oh, my God. Let me see that.
You fall for it every time.
Hey. Look, I brought you my old maternity clothes.
Oh, Pheebs, that's so sweet. Oh, those are so cute.
And look. See how they expand as the baby grows?
And then after the baby's born, they're great for shoplifting melons.
Oh, good, you're all here. Okay, Thanksgiving tomorrow, 4:00.
Oh. And guess who I invited? Remember that guy Will Culvert from high school?
- No. - He was in Ross' class.
Marching band, was kind of overweight. Well, really overweight.
I mean, I was his thin friend.
Wow, I don't remember him.
Are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?
No, that was Jared.
Wow. Haven't thought about him in a long time.
Anyway, um, Will's here on business...
and he didn't have a place to go so I invited him here.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, by the way, he's lost a bunch of weight.
I mean, he looks good. Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous.
- I still love Chandler. - Wouldn't hurt you to say it once in a while.
Okay, also, just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.
- What? - Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.
- Phoebe. - Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.
All right, it's not just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet...
Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food...
and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry.
She is?
Yeah, remember I had to leave the other day when you had that chicken?
I thought that was just because I put the whole thing on my hand...
and made it walk across the table.
It just doesn't seem worth it to make a whole turkey for three people.
It's a lot of work.
But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving.
I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like Fourth of July with no apple pie.
Or Friday with no two pizzas.
All right, fine, if it means that much to you, but there's gonna be a ton left over.
No, there won't. I promise I will finish that turkey.
All right, you're telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
That's right. Because I'm a Tribbiani. This is what we do.
We may not be great thinkers or world leaders.
We don't read a lot or run very fast, but damn it, we can eat.
Four wide receivers. On third and 18.
Hey, isn't it weird to think about how next year at this time...
there'll be a little baby at the table?
Rachel's. But good to know where you're at.
- Hey. Hey.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - You too.
- Anything I can do to help? - Actually, there is.
Chandler usually helps but he's into the game so I don't wanna bother him.
- Could you help me fold these napkins? - Sure.
I'm gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.
- Okay. - No, no, no, sweetie. No, not like that.
We're not at a barn dance.
You wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me.
- So how's the game? - I have no idea.
What?
Yeah, I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff.
I don't believe you. That is brilliant.
- And Monica has no idea? - Nope.
Every once in a while I just yell and scream stuff at the TV.
Hey, what...? Hey!
- Is your team winning, hon? - Oh, yeah. Anderson just scored again.
There's no Anderson.
Oh, I wanna get in on this. Hey, Mon?
I don't think I can't help you after all. I didn't realize this game was on.
- Oh. I didn't know you liked football. - Well, normally, I don't.
But, you know, Green Bay is playing.
- You like Green Bay? - Well, it's only like my favorite bay.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Aw, thanks.
God, Will, I'm so glad that you came. You just... You look great.
You must've lost like...
A hundred and fifty pounds.
Yeah, I'm gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials.
- A pie. - Right. Uh, it's no fat, no sugar, no dairy.
- It's no good. Throw it out. - You wanna meet some people?
This is, uh, my husband, Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand but, uh, I'm really into the game.
Plus, I think it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.
- This is Phoebe. - Hi.
Hey. Wow.
Well done.
- Wanna give me a hand? - Sure.
Monica, I can't get over how great you look. You look stunning.
- You look incredible too. You're just so fit. - I'm watching the game but I'm not deaf.
Oh, um, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
Ross is coming. Great, I love Ross.
Well, good. And Rachel Green too.
Oh.
- Is there a problem? - Nope. Uh, it's okay.
It's just, uh...
God, I hated her.
- What? - I hated her.
She was horrible to me in high school.
But hey, that was a long time ago. I'm in a good place.
It might be actually fun to see her again.
Got any cakes or cookies or something?
No, Will. No.
You know, it's been a while since we screamed something. Maybe we should.
- Oh, okay. No! - Oh, come on!
Damn you, ref. You burn in hell!
Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room.
You've got almost an entire turkey to eat.
Let me explain to you how the human body works.
I have to warm up my stomach first.
- Eating chips is like stretching. - Okay.
- Don't worry, Tribbianis never get full. - I actually know what you're talking about.
And I'm here to tell you something.
You can eat and eat and eat, but nothing will ever fill that void.
- Who the hell is this guy? - This is Will, from high school.
- Oh, hey. - Hello.
- Will. Ross.
Hey, you came. Man, you look incredible. Hot stuff.
- Hot stuff? - It's good to see you, man.
Yeah, you too. Man, so, what are you up to?
- I'm a commodities broker. - Really? That sounds interesting.
- Yeah, it's not. - Oh.
- But I'm rich and thin. - Oh, hey.
Man, I don't think I've seen you since, uh, Lance Davis' graduation party.
- That was such a fun night. - Yeah.
Would've been good if we had gotten in, but still, real fun.
God, we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?
- Yeah. - So, what do you do now?
So how long are you in town?
- Hi. Hey, sweetie. Oh, good.
Rachel Green.
Oh, oh, that's right. Are you gonna be okay?
Oh, I'll be fine. It's just... God, I hate her, Ross. I hate her.
Will, high school was a long time ago.
Look at her standing there with those yams.
My two greatest enemies, Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Oh, my God, Monica. Who is that?
- That's Will, from high school. - Ah. I do not remember him.
Wow, really got that sexy smoldering thing going on.
Oh, my God. Look at the way he's just staring at me.
I think he's trying to mouth something to me, but I can't make it out.
I hate you.
- Okay, dinner's ready. - Okay.
- Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort. - Oh, so who won?
- Green Bay. - Detroit.
- What? - Well, the Lions technically won.
But it was a moral victory for the Green Bay Mermen.
- Hi. Will, right? - Right.
Right, hi. I'm Rachel Green.
- Oh, I remember you. - Really? Aren't you sweet?
I gotta tell you though, I'm having the hardest time placing you.
Oh, oh, hang on. I think I remember you.
Did we, um...? Did we fool around at Lance Davis' graduation party?
- You are unbelievable. - Thank you.
Uh, Rachel? Why don't you sit here? And, Will, you sit way over there.
That's it? Even if nobody helps me, I can eat that, no problem.
At least give me a challenge.
This is Chandler's chicken.
This is the turkey.
Oh. How big is that?
- About 19 pounds. - It's like me when I was born.
All right, who would, uh, like some yams? Will?
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
What? Oh, you know what? Can we please keep the chicken...
and the turkey and everything on the other side?
- The smell is just... Yuck. - Typical. Ahem.
- I'm sorry, what? - I said it was typical.
Typical of you, Rachel Green.
Queen Rachel, does whatever she wants in her little Rachel-land.
Seriously, who is this guy?
Um, ahem, sorry, do you have a problem with me?
- I don't know. Do I? Do I? - I think you do.
Apparently you were a little mean to him in high school.
- A little mean? You made my life miserable. - I had no idea. I'm sorry.
Well, you should be. Screw it. Bring on the yams.
Will, but you've worked so hard.
- Yams! - Okay.
Uh, Will, I just wanna say that I'm real sorry for whatever I did to you in high school.
Oh, it wasn't just me. We had a club.
- You had a club? - That's right.
The "I Hate Rachel Green Club."
Oh, my God. So, what, you all just joined together to hate me?
- Who else was in this club? - Me and Ross.
No need to point. She knows who Ross is.
- So you were in an "I Hate Rachel" club? - Yes, he was.
No, no.
So who else was in this club?
Uh, actually, there was also that exchange student from Thailand.
But I don't think he knew what it was.
So, Ross, we went out for two years and you never told me...
you were in an "I Hate Rachel Club."
You went out with her? We had a pact.
It was in high school. It's not like it was binding forever.
Then why did it have the word "eternity" in it?
Okay, Monica, did you know about this?
I swear I didn't. Hey, is that why you guys...
used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Yeah. - Huh. A little relieved, I gotta say.
Look, Rach, I'm sorry, okay? I was a stupid kid, okay?
The only reason I joined...
- Cofounded. - Cofounded.
Cofounded the club, was that I was insanely in love with you.
Obviously I didn't handle it very well...
but if you think about it, the "I Hate Rachel Club"...
was really the "I Love Rachel Club."
Uh, except that it was really the "I Hate Rachel Club."
Okay, so, what, you guys would just get together and say mean things about me?
- Well, we did a little more than that. - No, no. No, no. No, no. Heh.
What? What else did you do?
- We started a rumor. - What rumor?
Oh, come on, Will. Just take off your shirt and tell us.
- Ross? - Ugh, it was no big deal.
Uh, we... We said that... The rumor was that, um...
you had both male and female reproductive parts.
Ha!
- What? - That's right.
We said your parents flipped a coin...
decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
- Oh, my God. - You started that?
- What, you heard that? - Everyone at our school heard it.
Everybody at my school heard it. You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader?
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, this is all making so much sense to me now.
This is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me.
This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region.
Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now, so that one's not really our fault.
- Monica, how come you never told me this? - I thought it might be true.
And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me.
Joey, stop staring. There's nothing there. It's not true.
- I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof. - Oh...
You are my Everest.
- Joey, you don't have to finish that. - Oh, yes, I do. Otherwise, what's next?
Today I'm just a guy who can't finish a turkey...
but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a Power Bar...
wraps up the rest and puts it in the fridge? No.
I just gotta change my pants. What was I thinking? Jeans have no give.
Okay. Okay. Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year.
"Dear Rach, you're such a great person." Not girl, "person."
Rach, I think you're reading a little too much into it.
"Dear Rach, you're a great person. Sorry about your teeny weenie."
What do you want me to do...
call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?
- Yes. - Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?
Oh. Me too.
Now, look, I'm not calling anybody, okay? It was like a million years ago.
I don't care how long ago it was. You told people that I was half and half.
You know what? I just wanna point out...
I never did anything to hurt you in high school.
That's not totally true.
- What? - What?
Well, you did start that rumor about Ross...
making out with Mrs. Altmann, our 50-year-old librarian.
How did you know that?
- It's true? - No.
Yes, it is. I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog.
Mrs. Altmann? She also made out...
with Ta-Taka-Ki-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.
I'm sorry, when you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
- Hey, she didn't look 50. - Did she look 16?
Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
Oh.
- Wow. - She didn't photograph well.
She probably wasn't familiar with the process...
having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.
So how did this happen? Did she lure you to an early-bird dinner?
I was working late in the library one afternoon.
It was just the two of us.
She needed some help with her word jumble.
And one thing led to another.
If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender.
May she rest in peace.
- Didn't she walk with a cane? - Only when it was damp.
I can't believe you told people about this. Everybody knew?
- You know what? I'm back in the club. - Yeah!
- I wanna join. - What...? Phoebe?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school.
But three of us would meet behind a Dumpster to learn French.
All right, you know, fine, you guys can have your stupid little club.
But I would just like to say what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you.
- You gave me a teeny weenie. - Ha, ha, yeah.
All right, listen. You're just being silly.
Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school.
Everyone wanted to be like you.
One girl wanted to be like you so much, she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll.
Wow.
And, Ross, if it weren't for Rachel's rumor...
I mean, no one in high school would have even known who you were.
- She put you on the map. - As a romancer of the elderly.
Hey, Mrs. Altmann was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.
The eyes did still sparkle.
Hey, guys, this stuff is so way in the past. You've been through so much since then.
And right now, you got so much more important stuff going on in your lives.
Can't you just let this go?
She's right.
Yeah, I mean, we are having a baby together.
Hold on.
- You got her pregnant? - Yeah.
- Are you getting married? - No.
So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her.
Dude.
- Anybody? - Okay.
It's exactly how I imagined it would be.
All right, where's that turkey?
- Joey, those are my maternity pants. - No, these are my Thanksgiving pants.
Well, that's it. I'm done.
Whew.
Here come the meat sweats.
Well, Joey, we're all very proud of you.
Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.
- Is there anything we can do for you? - No, just nobody press on my stomach.
You can keep those pants, by the way.
What...? What do you got there? What is that, pie?
- Heh. Yeah, you want some? - Just cut me a little sliver.
A little bigger.
Little bigger.
What, are you afraid you're gonna run out? Cut me a real piece.