- Hey. What's up? - I left my guitar here again.
Oh, okay. No problem.
- Okay. Here you go. - Okay.
Okay, um...
- What? - You want to hang out or something?
Phoebe, you caught me at a bad time.
- Oh, are you and Chandler...? - Yes. Exactly.
- Okay. Want me to play for you? - No.
Hey, Pheebs, what's up?
You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing.
Oh, my God! You're getting a massage? You never let me massage you.
- Phoebe, I can explain. - You told me you hate massages.
Buy stamps. Pick up dry cleaning. Don't let Phoebe in.
I can't believe this. How long has this been going on?
- Well, uh, Alexandra has... - Oh, it has a name?
Phoebe, don't get upset.
Okay. Oh, too late! I'm leaving. Come on, Chandler, let's go.
Well, I thought I'd...
Yeah, what the hell.
- Okay, come on. One more push. - Unh!
Come on, we're almost there.
Joey, I'm so happy things worked out for us and we're having this baby together.
- I love you so much. - Oh, I love you too.
Mm. I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say this...
but you're the best sex I've ever had.
- That's always appropriate. - Ha, ha.
Okay, come on, one more push. One more push.
There we go.
Here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations.
I hope you're a better father than you are a friend!
Whoa! Aah, whoa.
- Joey! - What, what?
- What's going on? Uh... - Feel this. Come feel my belly.
The baby's kicking for the first time. Please come feel.
- Really? Uh... - Yes.
You know what? Maybe, uh, you...
Maybe you should come to me.
- I'm not wearing any bottoms. - Oh, okay.
- Oh, my God. - Aah!
It's unbelievable!
Wow, she is kicking so much. She's like, um...
Who's that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
- Mia Hamm? - Mia Hamm!
- Oh! It's amazing. - Whoa. One hand on the sheet, Joe.
Whoa, eh. Sorry.
- Hey, babe. Hey, honey.
We got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing. They don't like us, do they?
Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under $6?
- Maybe we can take it back. - Doesn't say where it's from.
- Where would we return it? - How about to the street, from the balcony?
Why don't we just find a place for it?
How about in that cabinet?
That's where we keep canned goods.
Have you forgotten everything you learned in orientation?
How about the closet by the bathroom?
Oh. Okay. Why don't you let me do it.
No, no, no. I will do it.
You have to relax and let your husband take care of things once in a while.
It's locked. You have to help me.
Why is it locked?
No reason. I keep private things in there.
You know, I've been living here a while...
and I've never seen what's in that closet.
What is in there?
Feminine stuff.
Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Nothing in there concerns you. If you love me, you'll just let it go.
- Fine. - Thank you.
Love you.
Hello, Chandler. Lovely day, huh? You.
If it helps, Alexandra's only been massaging Monica for, like, three years.
If! I said, if it helps.
Why won't you let me massage you?
Uh, well, it's... I'd be self-conscious.
You're my friend. I'd be naked.
We lived together for years. I've seen you naked.
That's different. We were roommates. And when?
I'm curious about the human body.
You can understand why this would be weird for me.
I'm a professional and I'm really good.
If you're uncomfortable, we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay? Please?
Okay, if it means that much to you.
It does. How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking?
Or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
- Dinosaurs. - Potato, "potato."
- Hey. - Ross, the baby's kicking.
What? It is?
It's not kicking right now.
Although we would love to see you do that again.
When was it kicking? What happened?
Last night. I felt it. I went into Joey's room, and he was sleeping.
A dreamless sleep.
My God, the baby's kicking. That's great.
I wish I would have been there to feel the kicking for the first time.
I got some stuff going on in here if you want to feel.
I don't want to miss any more baby stuff. Here's my pager number.
Anytime anything pregnancy-related happens, use it. I'll be there.
I don't care if it's 3 in the morning and you want ice cream.
Wow. Can I get a copy of that?
Are you under the sheet? Yes.
Great, let's begin.
- How's the pressure? - Ah.
It's nice. Wow, Phoebe, you are good.
Stating the obvious, but thank you.
- And it's not weird, is it? - No.
That's right, you just enjoy.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, oh!
- Oh, yeah! - Okay.
Oh, God, Phoebe!
Oh, that's it! That's it, right there! Oh!
I wasn't trying to open your closet. I wasn't trying, I swear.
Wow. Monica runs a pretty tight ship here, doesn't she? What are you doing?
Monica has a secret closet. She won't let me see what's in it.
- Why not? - I don't know!
What could she possibly be hiding in here what I can't see?
I don't know. Ooh.
I'll bet it's Richard.
Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Well, off the top of my head, uh...
maybe she's having her cake and eating it too.
You being the "cake," Richard being the "too."
- Or... - And here we go.
I saw this movie once where there was a door.
Nobody knew what was behind it.
And when they finally got it open, millions and millions of bugs came pouring out...
and they feasted on human flesh!
You know, it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy!
Stupid closet full of bugs!
Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I don't... Whoa!
Whoa! Don't worry. When my sisters were pregnant...
they got every weird feeling and it was always nothing.
- Really? Absolutely.
But we'll stop by the hospital just to be sure. I'll page Ross.
Okay, oh, God... Ow.
Oh, okay, Rach, look at me. Everything's gonna be fine.
- Okay. - Trust me. Take my hand. Here we go.
Ow! Crushing bones!
Good thing we're going to a hospital.
- Hey. So? - She's fine.
She was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions.
- Mild discomfort in the uterine wall. - Hmm.
Mild discomfort? I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?
- Everything is normal? Yes.
- There's no danger to her or the baby? No.
Contractions can be unnerving if you don't know, but she's fine.
Thank you, doctor. And thank you for being nice and calm.
Calm? I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in my life.
- You said everything was okay. - What do I know? I'm not a doctor.
- But everything is okay. I'm fine. - You sure?
Yes. I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus.
Mild discomfort! What's he talking about?
- Is everything okay? - Everything's fine.
Your page said, "Come to the hospital." What happened?
Something called Braxton Hicks contraction.
Ugh, oh. Ha, ha.
That's no big deal. Most women don't feel them.
Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Hey, uh, what's with the candy?
When you beeped me I was at the concession stand at the movies.
- You went to the movies by yourself? - No... Mona!
- Oh, I gotta go back in there. - Why? What's wrong?
- Everything's fine, I just gotta... - No, really, tell me. What's up?
Look, I forgot my underwear.
So thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Oh, hey, don't worry about it. No big deal.
But still, it should have been me. I'm the dad.
If you have questions...
here's information on Braxton Hicks. - Thanks.
And by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in.
- You're gonna make a wonderful father. - Oh, uh...
Hey, not as good as this guy. He brought Twizzlers.
- There has got to be a way. - Easy there, Captain Kirk.
- Oh, do you have a bobby pin? - Yeah.
Oh, no, wait. I'm not a 9-year-old girl.
Then why do you throw like one?
- Maybe Monica has a bobby pin. - Oh, sure, "Monica."
So how's the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
Really good. I should be ready to kill myself any day now.
Well, you sure found that quick.
I just wish I didn't feel this way about Rachel.
I wish things could go back to normal.
I mean, I love living with her, and helping out with the baby is amazing.
But now I think Ross feels left out.
You know? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital...
the doctor thought I was the father. God, you...
You should have seen the look on Ross' face.
By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing here.
For all I know, I'm locking it more.
Hey, you try opening it with a credit card?
- That's a good idea. Okay. - Yeah.
- So, uh, Ross is kind of bummed, huh? - Ugh.
- I ju... I feel terrible. - It's not your fault.
What are you gonna do, not take her to the hospital?
You're doing nothing wrong.
Except for harboring an all-consuming love for the woman carrying his baby.
Richard, if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?
- Hey. - Hey.
I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good.
No, no, I got that.
So, um, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Okay.
You should know though, I've, um, raised my rates to $200 an hour.
- Okay. - I mean 500.
- What? - 600.
What's going on?
Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged.
- Wha...? - And it really freaked me out.
After a while, I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
What? You're crazy. There's nothing sexual about the noises I make.
Really? There's nothing sexual about this?
Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh!
What are you looking at?
I mean, hi.
This is so embarrassing. I'm never gonna get massaged again.
No, you can't let this stop you from getting massages.
Look, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do.
- Really? - Well, not clients. Lovers.
Let's just... We'll try it again. Come back, and we'll work through it.
- You sure? - Yes.
- I guess. - Great! Now, if you'll just excuse me.
So did you hear something you liked?
Hey, Ross, check it out! I learned a new trick. Huh?
- Hey, uh, I brought you some lunch. - Oh!
- That's so sweet of you. Oh, yum. - Eh.
Mm, mm.
- Did you put pickles on this? - Well, yeah.
What? What? Rach, what?
- What's going on? - I made her favorite, tuna with pickle.
Pickle? Pickle makes her sick.
Giving her pickle is like giving me salad.
I'm sorry, I didn't know. You gonna be okay?
I'll be fine.
But someone make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out.
I'm on it!
I can't believe this. I shouldn't be the one making her throw up.
- Dude, relax. It could happen to anyone. - Not to you. You know this stuff.
I don't know any of it and I'm the father.
I just... I wish I could be more involved, you know?
Ugh.
Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Hey, uh, can I talk to you guys for a second?
- Yeah. - What's up?
Well... Sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.
Are you breaking up with us?
The thing is...
because I live with Rachel, I'm here for a lot of the stuff.
Okay, and Ross...
Ross is missing everything. So...
Yeah?
Maybe you two should live together.
Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?
No, I love living with you. It just seems that...
if you're gonna have a roommate, it may as well be the father.
But, Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move in to his apartment...
and disrupt his life like that. I mean...
Or he does.
I would love to be around for you and the baby.
We can just try it, like on a temporary basis.
- But it's you and me. - It wouldn't be anything romantic.
And I'm dating Mona. Damn it, Mona!
I was supposed to meet her an hour ago. What is wrong with me?
So, what do you think?
- I don't know. Is it crazy? - No. No, it's not...
Joey, this is a smart idea.
Well, I was due.
- Okay, let's do it. I'll move in. - Really?
- Oh, Rach, that's great. That's great. - Mm.
Not too shabby. I got this all off myself...
using my wife's tools.
Oh, my God.
How did you get in there?
You're messy.
- No! You weren't supposed to see this! - I married Fred Sanford.
No, Chandler, you don't understand.
Okay, okay, fine! Now you know. Okay? I'm sick.
No, honey, you're not sick. I don't love you because you're organized.
I love you in spite of that.
Really?
- Promise you won't tell anyone? - Yes.
Now that I know, if I've got extra stuff lying around, can we share the closet?
Oh. Well, it's just, um...
I'm afraid you might mess it up.
- Hey. - Hey.
So Rachel's all moved out, huh? How you taking it?
Well, uh, I wanted to have a few beers...
but, uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldn't stand the smell of them.
I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though.
And, uh, it's a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.
- Are you okay? - You kidding me? Yeah, I'm great.
I'm, uh... I'm better than great. I am good.
Now that she's gone, I can, uh...
I can do all the stuff around here that I couldn't do before. You know?
Like, um...
I can walk around naked again.
You know? I can, uh...
I can watch porn in the living room. Right?
This is, uh... This is good for me.
I like being on my own. I'm better off this way.
I'm a... I'm a lone wolf.
A loner. Alone.
All alone. Forever.
What's a wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?
- That's it, just relax. - Unh.
Oh, oh!
- Come on, more. - Oh, God!
You like that, don't you?
- Yeah, right there. - Want it there? Take it there, baby.
- Phoebe? - Yeah, say my name. Say it.
And now I'm going to cover you back up.
And, um, I won't be speaking with you for several weeks.