Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parents' anniversary party?
- Sure. - Yeah.
- Who's the guy? - Parker, I met him at the dry cleaners.
Did he put a little starch in your bloomers?
Who said that?
No, he's really great, though. He has this incredible zest for life.
And he treats me like a queen.
Except at night, when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.
Oh, by the way, would it be okay if I give the toast this year?
Are you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th?
- Yeah, I'd really like to. - Hopefully this time Mom won't boo you.
Yes. Every year Ross makes the toast, and it always makes them cry.
- This year, I'm gonna make them cry. - You wonder why Ross is their favorite?
No, really, any time Ross makes a toast, everyone cries and pats him on the back.
And they all come up to me and say, "God, your brother."
You know what they're gonna say this year? "God, you."
Well, I can promise you, at least one person will be crying.
I'm an actor, and any actor worth his salt can cry on cue.
- Really? You can do that? - Oh, you kidding me? Watch.
Well, I can't do it with you guys watching me.
- What are you doing? - I'm working on my toast for the party.
Or as I like to call it: "Sob-fest 2002."
- Hey, check this out. - It's a dog.
It's a dead dog.
That's Chi-Chi. She died when I was in high school.
- You're gonna talk about their dead pet? - It's good stuff, huh?
- Hi. Hey.
Joey? You got a present for my parents? That's so sweet.
Yeah. In honor of their 35th anniversary, I had a star named after them.
Aw.
- That is so cool. - And I got them Kama Sutra for the Elderly.
- Do you guys have any extra ribbon? - Oh, yeah, sure.
What do you need? We got, uh, lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt—
And I think my testicles may be in here too.
AW. Chi-Chi. Oh, I loved this dog.
You know, uh, Monica couldn't get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.
- What? - You were the 200-pounder who rode her.
Hey. Everybody, this is Parker. Parker, this is—
No, wait, don't tell me. Let me guess: Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel...
and I'm sorry, Phoebe didn't mention you.
Chandler, I'm kidding. Already you're my favorite.
- Tell me a little about yourselves. - Uh, actually, we should get going.
Classic Ross.
Rachel, Rachel, look how you glow. May I?
I think you already are.
Rachel, you have life growing inside you.
Is there anything more miraculous— Ooh, a picture of a dog. Whose is this?
That's my old dog. He passed away years ago.
Well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow, old friend. Bow-wow.
- So where's the party? - Out on the island. It's in Massapequa.
Massapequa, it sounds magical. Is it steeped in Native American history?
Well, there is an Arby's in the shape of a tepee.
- I've got my notes. You got the presents? Yeah.
- I've got the car keys. - We're driving?
- Yeah. - Aces.
- So, uh, he seems like a nice guy. - Yeah. Yeah, I like him a lot.
- You want to hang back and take a cab? - Okay, otherwise I'm not going.
Oh. Hey.
- Hey, Mom. - This is such a great party.
Thirty-five years. Very impressive. Do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?
- Jack? - Why serve food on such a sharp stick?
It's a good question, Dad. It's a good question.
- Congratulations, you two. - Thank you, we're so excited.
And also, congratulations on your wedding.
What?
- Can we talk to you for just a moment? Yeah.
It's just a little thing.
While we think it's simply marvelous that you're having this baby out of wedlock...
some of our friends are less open-minded.
- Which is why we told them you're married. - What?
Thanks for going along with this.
- We have to pretend that we're married? - Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight.
You can do this.
- Can you believe that? - I know.
If you're gonna do the ears, you may as well take a pass at the nose area.
No, no, I don't want to have to lie about us being married.
I know. I don't either. But it's their party, and it's one night.
We don't even have to lie. We just won't say anything.
If it comes up, we'll smile, we'll nod along...
- Ross? - Rachel?
Hi, Aunt Lisa. Uncle Dan.
Congratulations on the baby and on the wedding.
- Here's something to get you started. - So how's marriage treating you?
- Unbelievable. It's great. - I love marriage.
We'll see you later.
Hey. Hi.
What a beautiful place. What a great night.
I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C...
I feel so lucky. To think of all the good times that have happened here.
The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs, both bar and bat.
But none of it will compare with tonight. My God, I don't want to forget this moment.
It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all. Click.
I don't think the flash went off.
- I'm gonna go find the men's room. - I'll go with you.
Somewhere, there is someone with a tranquilizer gun...
and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.
I have to go too, but I don't want him complimenting my thing.
I'm so glad we weren't in the car. Did he ever let up?
He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.
This room. This night.
That waiter. His shoes. I must take a mental picture.
Sorry.
Were you guys making fun of Parker?
That depends, how much did you hear?
Well, he's a little enthusiastic. What's wrong with that?
- It's just— It's so much. - Well, so what? I like him.
Do I make fun of the people you've dated? Tag, Janice, Mona.
No, because friends don't do that. But do you want my opinion?
In my opinion, your collective dating record reads like a who's who of human crap.
- I feel terrible. - I know.
What was wrong with Mona?
- Open it, open it, open it. - Yeah, baby.
So we never got to hear about your wedding.
- We were surprised we weren't invited. - Oh, no, it was just our parents.
It was a small wedding.
But it was beautiful. It was small, but kind of spectacular.
- Where did you have it? - On a cliff in Barbados, at sunset.
And Stevie Wonder sang "isn't She Lovely" as I walked down the aisle.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Stevie's an old family friend. - Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.
- I'd love to see pictures. - Yeah, so would I.
You wouldn't think that Annie Leibovitz would forget to put film in the camera.
Would you excuse us for a second?
- Um, what are you doing? - What? I'm not you.
This may be the only wedding leverhave.
- And I want it to be amazing. - Okay. Okay. Ooh. Ooh.
- Maybe I rode in on a Harley. - Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
Say, uh, ahem, are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.
- No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm with you. - And I'm with you.
What a great time to be alive.
Look at this plate bouncy thing.
What an inspired solution to man's plate-dispensing problems.
Mm-hm. Yeah.
- Ah. Oysters. Let me feed you one. - That's not necessary.
- Please? - No, actually, I don't eat—
- I won't quit until you try one. - Okay, fine, fine.
- Mm. Mm-hm. Good. - What're they like? I've never had one.
- Why don't you just try one? - Nah, they look too weird.
- What are you doing? - Just going over my toast.
Ah, those two will never know what hit them.
I can't wait. They're gonna cry so hard, they'll be fighting for breath.
You know, if you want to, I could just hold them down and you could just:
And my veil was lace, made by blind Belgian nuns.
- Blind? - Well, not at first, but it was intricate work.
And they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.
- I bet you looked beautiful. - Oh, well, I don't know about that.
But there were some people that said I looked like a floating angel.
- How did you propose? - Oh, yeah, that's a great story.
Well, um, actually, I took her to the planetarium.
That's where we had our first date.
Um, she walked in, and I had the room filled with, uh, lilies, her favorite flower.
That is so sweet. - Shh. I want to hear the rest.
Then Fred Astaire singing, uh, "The Way You Look Tonight"...
came on the sound system and the lights came down...
and I got on one knee...
and written across the dome, in the stars, were the words:
"Will you marry me?"
Aw.
And the ring was the size of my fist.
Hey, uh, Phoebe? Look, uh...
I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks.
Parker's a nice guy, and I'd like to get to know him.
Then you better do it now.
- Why? - Because I'm gonna kill him.
- What? - You guys were right.
He's just too excited about everything.
I mean, I'm all for living life, but this is the Gellers' 35th anniversary.
Let's call a spade a spade. This party stinks.
I know. I'm having the worst time.
There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates...
I slipped on a giant booger.
Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?
I guess it could've been. I didn't really look at it.
I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell out of there.
I just thought he was such a great guy. I was so excited about him.
Well, hey, you should be excited about him.
There's nothing wrong with him. He's a good guy.
- You think? - Yeah, know what I think?
- We were all just being too negative. - You're right.
You're right. He's just embracing life. We could all stand to be more like Parker.
You know what? I am like him. I'm a sunny, positive person.
- Actually, you have a little bit of an edge. - What's that now?
- Oh, it's Parker. - Look, the Bunny Hop.
- Oh, I love it. - You do?
Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music? Come on.
Okay, it's time for the toast.
I know that normally Ross gives the toast, but this year I'm gonna do it.
No, it's gonna be great. Really.
Okay, um...
Mom, Dad, when I got married...
one of the things that made me sure that I could do it...
was the amazing example the two of you set for me.
For that, and for so many other things, I wanna say thank you.
I know I probably don't say it enough...
but I love you.
When I look around this room...
I'm saddened by the thought of those who could not be with us.
Nana, my beloved grandmother, who would so want to be here.
But she can't...
because she's dead.
As is our dog, Chi-Chi.
I mean, look how cute she is— Was.
Do me a favor, pass this to my parents.
Remember, um, she's dead, okay? Her and Nana, gone.
Wow.
Um...
Hey, does anybody remember when...
Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment?
Didn't see that?
No movie fans?
You want to hear something sad?
Um, the other day I was watching 60 Minutes...
and there was this piece on these orphans in Romania...
who have been so neglected that they were incapable of love.
You people are made of stone.
Here's to Mom and Dad. Whatever.
Thank you, Monica. That was, uh, interesting.
- Wasn't it interesting, Jack? - Why don't I remember this dog?
Ross? Why don't you give us your toast now?
Oh, no, Mom. It's just Monica this year.
You're not gonna say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary?
No, of course, um...
Um, everybody? Um, ahem, I just wanted to say...
uh, on behalf of my new bride, Rachel...
and myself, um, that if...
If in 35 years, we're half as happy as you guys are...
we'll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.
Oh, Ross.
I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross' toast.
My God, what a fantastically well-lit hallway.
Can I, um, get you something to drink, like a water and Valium?
I must say, this apartment, it's... there are no words.
- Oh, thank God. - It's a haven.
- A third-floor paradise, a modern-day Eden. - Yeah, I know, I know. Uh-huh. Gotcha.
Listen, why don't we just, um, sit and relax, you know, just be with each other quietly.
- That sounds great. - Uh-huh.
My God, this is the most comfortable couch I've ever sat on in my entire life.
Let's try something else. Let's play a game.
- I love games. - Shocking.
Um, let's play the game of...
who can stay quiet the longest.
Or Jenga.
Let's play this one first, and remember, whoever talks first loses.
- I lose, now Jenga. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Is something wrong? - Wrong? You know the word "wrong"?
Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical?
Everything isn't aglow with the light of a million fairies?
They were just brake lights, Parker.
Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam.
But you don't have to put a good spin on everything.
I'm sorry. That's who I am. I'm a positive person.
No, I'm a positive person.
You are like Santa Claus on Prozac.
At Disneyland, getting laid.
So, what do you want me to do? You want me to be more negative?
- You want me to be less happy? - Much less happy.
Fine. Well, then to quote Ross, "I better be going."
So long.
Hey. Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out.
Isn't this the most incredible fight you've ever had in your entire life?
We could've gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar.
Ross, it just wouldn't have been feasible.
But having a dove place the ring on your finger would've been no problem.
It was really fun being married to you tonight.
Yeah, and it was the easiest 400 bucks I ever made.
- Okay, Ross, can I, um, ask you something? - Yeah.
- That proposal at the planetarium? - I know, I know. It was stupid.
Are you kidding? With the lilies, and the song and the stars?
It was really wonderful. Did you just make that up?
Uh, no, actually, I thought about it when we were going out.
That's how I imagined I, uh, would ask you to marry me.
Wow.
Well, that would've been, uh, very hard to say no to.
Well, it's a good thing I didn't do it...
because it sounds like it would have been a very expensive wedding.
- Okay, good night. - Good night.
Uh, even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn't get messed up?
- I will think about it. - That's all I'm asking.
Okay, that's it. I give up.
At Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary, you're the one giving the speech.
You know, I don't understand why they didn't cry. It was a beautiful speech.
- Oh, come on. - Hey. That stuff you said about true love?
You were right. I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad.
And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin.
And what you said about Nana?
Oh, yeah, she really would've wanted to be there.
And you know what?
I think she was.
Oh, good God, Ross, how the hell do you do it'?