- Hey, guys. I got some bad news. What?
That's no way to sell newspapers. Try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"
No. Monica's restaurant got a horrible review in the Post.
Oh, no!
I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around and bought all the copies I could find.
Man, this is bad. And I've had my share of bad reviews.
I still remember my first good one:
"Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible.
Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."
- Hey. Hey.
Oh, my God! Look at all the newspapers.
It must be a good review. Is it great?
Um...
Oh, dear God.
But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
- What about the rest of Manhattan? - Yeah, they all know.
- Oh, my God, this is horrible. - I'm sorry.
I'm so humiliated.
But you know what they say, there is no such thing as bad press.
You don't think that, um, "the chef's mahi-mahi was awful-awful" is bad press?
I didn't write it.
- God, is he right? Am I awful? Oh, no!
Hey, Monica, listen to me, okay?
I'm not saying this because I'm your friend, I say it because it's true.
Your food is abysmal!
- Ross? - What? What?
- I am freaking out! - Are you?
My due date is in one week!
- What are you doing up? - That is seven days.
Look, I had a lot of water. Can we do this after—?
No, no, no, no, Ross!
Please, come on. We do not have any big stuff we need.
We don't have a changing table. We do not have a crib.
- We do not have a diaper service. - Funny you should mention diapers.
- I'm serious. - Look. There's nothing to worry about.
We have plenty of time. There's a baby furniture store on West 10th.
Tomorrow, we'll go there...
- ... and we'll get everything we need. Okay? - Okay. Thank you. That's great.
Wait, where on West 10th? There's a really cute shoe store—
Okay. If, uh— If you're gonna do this...
then I'm gonna go do that, so...
- Wait, Ross! I'm sorry, one more thing. - Yeah.
Um, our situation, you know, um, what we mean to each other...
and, I mean, we're having this baby together and we live together...
Isn't that—? Isn't that weird?
Well, uh...
- I'm just kidding. You can go pee. Ha, ha. - Oh—!
Hey, I can't remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here...
- ... or at the movie? - At the movies—
- I'll see you there. - Joey. Now that you're here...?
Sure, I can hang out till I have to meet you.
- How come you're not going? - I've got a job interview to get ready for.
- I thought you already have a job. - And people say you don't pay attention.
This is a much better job. It's vice president of the company...
that does data reconfiguration...
and statistical factoring and for other companies.
- Wow. How do you know how to do that? - That's what I do now.
- Joey? Come taste this. What is it?
Remember the guy that gave me a bad review? Well...
I'm getting my revenge.
You cooked him?
No. He teaches a course on food criticism at The New School.
Before we go to the movies, I want to make him try my bouillabaisse again.
Ugh, I can't wait to read the front page tomorrow:
"Restaurant reviewer admits: 'I was wrong about Monica."'
The front page?
You really do live in your own little world, don't you?
Do you want these delivered, Mr. and Mrs. Geller?
- Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Heh. No, no.
- We're not married. - We are having a baby together...
but we're not involved.
I mean, uh, we— We were seeing each other a while ago...
but then we were just friends, and then there was one drunken night...
Or, yes, stranger, we'd like this delivered, please.
- Why don't you fill out this address card? - Oh, okay.
- I noticed you picked out a lot of dinosaurs. Oh, yeah.
That's one of the reasons why we are not a couple.
I chose those. I'm a paleontologist.
Really? That is so cool.
Oh, don't get too worked up over it. It sounds like he's a doctor, but he's not.
Oh, no. I'm fascinated by paleontology.
- Have you read the Walter Alvarez book? - Yeah, heh, I teach it in class.
Oh, my God. Standing at a cash register, I'm holding a credit card, and I'm bored.
I love your neighborhood. There's a great gym around the corner from your building.
- That's my gym. - I could tell you work out.
A paleontologist who works out. You're like Indiana Jones.
I am like Indiana Jones.
Hi, Pheebs.
Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?
It was great! We got everything we needed.
Oh, and Ross almost got something that wasn't on the list.
Ahem, a whore.
- What? - We were paying for our stuff...
and this sales woman just started flirting with him.
Can you believe that?
- Did she know you two weren't married? - Yeah.
Oh, my God. Well, the idea— A woman flirting with a single man?
- We must alert the church elders. - No.
You don't understand. You didn't see how brazen she was.
- Sounds like you're a little jealous. - No, I'm not.
I just think it's wrong. I mean, here I am, about to pop...
and he's out picking up some shopgirl at Sluts-R-Us?
Is that a real place?
Are they hiring?
- Hey, Phoebe. Fatty. - Wha—?
Hey, Chandler, why so fancy?
Well, I got a job interview. Big deal, too.
It's more money. I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
- I think I know someone who does that. - Me. I do that.
So seriously, do I look okay? I'm nervous.
Oh, yeah. You— Really, you look great.
You know, just don't get your hopes up.
- Why not? - Well, the interview.
- What about it? - You know.
You don't make a very good first impression.
- What? - Oh, you don't know.
- Are you serious? - Yes. When I first met you, you were like:
I was like:
Shh!
What is it that I do?
It's just, like, you're trying too hard, always making jokes.
You just— You come off a little needy.
Did you like me when we first met?
Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to you.
But I am gonna run away from you.
Hi. I'm Monica Geller, chef at Allessandro's.
Still?
I think the things you said were unfair...
and I would like you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.
I don't see any reason why I'd do that to myself again.
Either eat it or be in it.
SP0on?
- So, what do you think? - I'm torn...
between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating.
But I must be honest. Your soup is abysmal.
Thattagirll Eh? We should get out of here, there's a new class coming in.
Welcome to Introduction to Cooking. Before we start...
can anyone tell me the difference between hollandaise and béarnaise sauce?
- I can. - Okay, go ahead.
Well, um, they both have a egg yolk and butter base.
But a béarnaise, um, has shallots, chervil, and most importantly, tarragon.
- Ha, ha, very good. What's your name? - Monica.
- Monica, you go to the head of the class! - Okay!
All this stuff takes up a lot of room.
Hey, how, uh, serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?
My son? Pretty serious.
Oh, hey, Katie. What are you doing here?
The delivery went out and I realized they forgot this.
Ah, it must have been obvious, since it was the only thing left in your store.
Listen, to be honest, home deliveries aren't really part of my job description.
Oh.
Oh, um, I actually came here to ask you out.
Oh. Wow. Uh, yeah, that sounds great.
I'm just gonna put this back in my pocket and pretend that didn't happen.
Uh, I'm free now. You want to grab some coffee—?
- Sure. - Horny bitch.
No, you're a horny bitch! No, you're a horny bitch!
So you guys go, have a really good time.
I'm just gonna grab my coat. And, uh, my whip.
You know, because of Indiana Jones.
Not because I'm into S&M.
I'm not into anything weird, you know? Heh.
Just normal sex.
So I'm gonna grab my coat.
So you had a good day, huh? Big commission, picked up a daddy.
Are you okay with this?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, please. You guys have fun.
- Okay. Heh. - Yeah.
It was nice to see you.
Oh, and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic.
- Ah, heh. - Although you missed a button.
Oh, actually, I, um...
Oh, okay, I see what you're doing there.
I can't even believe this. I really come off that badly?
Ugh, it's okay. You calm down after a while...
and then people can see how sweet and wonderful you are.
Good. Because I'm sure this interview's gonna last a couple of weeks.
All right, don't freak out, okay? I will help you.
- How long before you have to leave? - An hour.
- I can't help you. - Phoebe—
We'll do our best. I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time.
- Okay. - Hi. Come on in. I'm Regina Phalanges.
- Chandler Bing. - Oh, Bing.
- What an unusual name. - Well, you should meet my Uncle Bada.
I'll let myself out.
H93'-
Your alfredo's dry. Did you use your cheese?
When you say "use," do you mean "eat as a pre-cooking snack"?
- And the cream? - Cheese makes me thirsty.
- Okay. Let's move on. - All right.
Oh. Something smells good over at Monica's station.
My God! This is absolutely amazing! You've never made this before?
Oh, no. I don't know anything about cooking.
I had to ask what it was called when the water makes those bubbles.
Wow. Hats off to the chef.
I'm sorry, your mouth was full. I didn't hear what you said.
- Hats off to who now? - The chef!
Heh, that's right!
I think you'll find if I work here that I don't micromanage.
I don't shy away from delegating.
Mm-hm. That's good to know. But let's stop focusing on what you don't do...
and focus on what you do do.
What I do do...
is manage to, uh, create an atmosphere of support...
for the people working with me.
I see. Nice sidestep on the "do do" thing.
- Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. - Oh, you gotta go!
- Okay, don't worry. You're ready. - Really?
Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts, and you'll be great.
Ah, Monica, my star student.
Heh. You called me that before...
so I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of foil.
Now, no pressure. If you like my cookies, you give me the star.
Mm. Mm-mm-mm.
Wow, a star!
I know you all hate me, and I'm sorry, but I don't care.
- Okay, Joey, you're up next. - Yeah.
Oh, my God! This is amazing!
You get an A.
I got an A? In school? Hey, I'm a dork!
Joey, I'm so proud of you.
- I think you should give him your star. - Excuse me?
- He doesn't even know what he's doing. - We're all beginners.
- Nobody knows what they're doing. - I do. I'm a professional chef!
Oh, relax. It's not a courtroom drama.
What are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking?
Yeah!
I'm sorry. It's just that, um, I cook at this restaurant, Allessandrds...
and, um, I just got a really bad review.
- Oh, Allessandro's? I love that place! - You do?
Yes, you're an excellent chef. As a person you're a little—
- Oh, totally crazy, but you liked the food? - Ha, ha. Very much.
Okay, then. I don't stink. I'm a good chef! Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to go. I'm having fun.
Actually, did either of you pay for this class?
Hey, if my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go!
Also, I was the point person on my company's transition...
from the KL5 to GR6 systems.
- You must have had your hands full. - That I did. That I did.
So let's talk a little bit about your duties.
My duties?
All right.
You'll be heading a whole division, so you'll have a lot of duties.
- I see. - But there'll be 30 people under you...
so you can dump a certain amount on them.
- Good to know. - We could go into detail—
No, don't, I beg of you.
All right, then. We'll have a definite answer for you on Monday.
But I can say with some confidence, you'll fit in well here.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- You can relax. You did great. - I gotta say, thank you.
I was really nervous. I'm told I come on too strongly, too many jokes.
And then it was really hard to side step that "duty" thing.
Duties?
Doodies?
Poo?
Oh, my God. This doesn't count. Okay? The interview was over.
That was the real Chandler Bing. This is some crazy guy in the hall.
Call security! There's a crazy guy out in the hall!
Poo?
I'll look forward to your call.
- Hey! - Hey!
- You're back from your date. - How are you?
I'm fine. But that's not important. What's important is how was she?
Uh, it was fun. We just had coffee.
Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table?
Heh, what's going on? Do you not like Katie?
No. No, she was nice.
I mean, she was a little slutty, but who isn't?
Well, I liked her.
Of course you did. You'd date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones.
Did you get a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?
No. It's just that— Katie bothered me.
Why? What was wrong with her?
Ugh, there was nothing wrong with her. All right? She was perfectly lovely.
- Okay. So, what's the matter? - I don't want you to date her.
Heh, what? Why? What, are you jealous?
Yes. And not because I want you to go out with me.
Because I don't want you to go out with anybody.
I know it's a terrible thing to even think this and it's inappropriate...
but I want you to be at my constant beck and call, 24 hours a day.
I'm very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel.
- Okay. - What?
I won't date. I'll, uh...
I'll be here with you all the time.
Really?
But I'm being so unreasonable.
True, but you're allowed to be unreasonable. You're having our baby.
Oh...
Oh, Ross, thank you. Thank you.
You feel better?
No, not really. You're pressing the baby into my bladder...
and now I have to pee. Sorry.
- Okay. - Rash?
- Yeah? - Just one thing. Um...
We live together. You're having our baby. I'm not gonna see anybody else.
Are you sure you don't want something more?
Wow. I don't know, maybe—
Oh, Rach, I was just messing around. Heh.
- Like you did when I had to pee? - Oh! Ha! I knew that.
I knew that! I was just messing with you too!
Okay. Because for a minute you seemed...
- No, no, no, no. No! It's just— Ha! - ... like you actually...
That's just because I'm such a good messer!
Ah! Ah, heh.
- Rash? - Yeah?
- The bathroom? - Right.
I had a great time. I learned how to bake, ate great food.
The first A I've gotten since 7th grade and I didn't have to sleep with the teacher.
- Oh, look. Acting for Beginners. - Yeah.
Wanna feel good about yourself?
- What the hell! - Okay.
All right, let's start with some basics.
Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?
Yeah, this was a stupid idea.