Hey, hon? Would you help me get the plates down?
Hey, here's an idea. Why don't we use our wedding china today?
No, I think we should save our china for something really special.
Like if the queen of England comes over.
Honey, she keeps canceling on us. Take the hint.
What if something breaks? They're expensive.
What is the point of having them if we never use them?
Okay. But if something breaks and then the queen comes over...
- I will explain it to her. - Like I'd let you talk to the queen.
The parade is really good this year.
Man, those horses can crap.
Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oklahoma.
Muskogee? That's like four hours from Tulsa!
Here's the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap...
Days of our Lives.
Oh, my God!
Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of our Lives?
I forgot! I'm supposed to be there!
I can't believe I forgot! I usually write stuff like this down on my arm!
Stupid long sleeves!
- What are you gonna do? - I'll come up with a good reason...
why I wasn't there.
The producers are gonna be mad. They sat us down and said:
"Everyone has to be there, 6 a.m. Sharp. That means you, Tribbiani."
Like I was some kind of idiot.
- Well, you proved them wrong. - Yeah.
Oh, Emma.
This is your first Thanksgiving.
What are you thankful for?
Mommy's boobies?
A lot of people are thankful for those.
Hello? Rachel?
Who is it?
It's your favorite sister.
- Jill? Amy!
Hide my rings.
Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you have a hair straightener?
Um... Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hair straightener.
- I haven't seen you in, like, a year. - I know. I know. I've just been crazed.
Well, me too. I had a baby.
I decorated Dad's office.
Yeah? Well, unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.
About that hair straightener, honey, I really need one.
I'm gonna have dinner at my boyfriend's house.
- Oh, my God. - Uh-huh.
Is this Emmett?
It's Emma.
It's a girl?
- Hey, Amy. Amy, you remember Ross?
Not really.
But you are much cuter than that geeky guy she used to date.
That was me.
No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her...
since, like, the ninth grade.
Still me.
No, I'm not talking about you.
It was your fat friend's brother with that bad Afro.
Okay, Amy, I'm gonna save you some time, okay? All me!
Careful. Careful.
Careful!
I'll tell you what. For the rest of our lives...
I'll be careful until told otherwise.
- This isn't the china we picked out. I know.
After you left the store, I chose different ones.
- Why? - Your taste is a little feminine for me.
Suddenly flowers are feminine?
Hey, everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!
- Happy Thanksgiving. Pheebs! - What's going on, Joe?
Listen, I need a good lie.
Okay.
How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing, you know?
You can see the strings, people!
No, no, no. I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
- Honey, you stink at lying. - I do not.
Really? Let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffeehouse...
I went to the bathroom. When I came back, my muffin was gone. Who took it?
Somebody opened the door to the coffeehouse...
and a raccoon ran in and went straight for your muffin. I said:
"Hey, don't eat that! That's Phoebe's!" And he said...
He said, "Joey, you stink at lying." What am I gonna do?
Don't worry. We'll come up with a lie. I'll help you.
- Great. That'd be great. Thank you. - Sure. What was the work thing?
Uh...
- "Pick up Grandma at the airport." - Oh, man!
She's precious.
Do you ever worry that she's gonna get your real nose?
Amy...
Yes, I do. I really do.
Hello?
Yeah, hang on, one sec. Can I take this upstairs?
Sure. We don't live there, but...
Seriously? It's just these rooms?
- I thought you were a doctor. - Yeah. No, Ross has a Ph.D.
Ew!
God, she is unbelievable.
I know. I mean, a Ph.D. Is just as good as an MD.
Sure, Ross, yeah!
If I have a heart attack at a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.
- Stupid Thanksgiving. What?
- What? What happened? - My boyfriend canceled on me.
I mean, I finally find a real relationship.
Someone that I can spend this day with, and then his wife comes back into town!
I swear, it's almost not even worth dating married guys.
Don't say that.
God, I was so looking forward to this.
It was gonna be such a beautiful Thanksgiving.
We were gonna have sushi.
Amy, don't cry.
- Ross, can I talk to you in private? - Sure, you wanna go upstairs, or?
Look, I was thinking, if it's okay with Monica...
I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
Look, I know she's a little tough to take.
But she has nowhere else to go, and she's my sister. She's Emma's aunt.
- And I would like them to bond. - I don't want them bonding too much.
I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job.
Ross, she may need one. We're just gonna have to make our peace with that!
- Hi! Hey.
Hey, you guys. This is my sister Amy.
This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and you know Mon.
Hi. - Oh, my God.
You're on Days of our Lives!
Yeah.
Wow! They must put a lot of makeup on you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey. Hi.
So welcome. Is this the first time you're seeing Emma?
Yeah, I think so. It's nice to meet you, Emma.
- Phoebe. - That's a funny noise.
- Pheebs? I still need some help here. - Right. Okay.
So it's not just the lie you tell, but it's the way you tell it. For example...
if you look at the ground when you talk, people know you're lying.
I don't know why this is so hard for me. Lying is basically just acting...
and I am a terrific actor. - You are a terrific actor.
- Hey. Where's the baby? - We just put her down for a nap.
Listen, I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible?
If you guys died!
Thank you, Amy.
No, no, then I would get the baby.
It would be just like a movie. At first I wouldn't know what to do with her.
And then I would rise to the occasion. Then I'd get a makeover and get married.
That's a great movie!
Yeah. Listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything...
because, you know, you'd be dead.
But I was thinking about changing her name.
I'm just not really a big fan of Emily.
Emma.
Emma? Ross wants you.
Phoebe!
Why does she keep making that noise?
Honey, I don't know how to tell you this...
but if something were to happen to Ross or myself...
you wouldn't get the baby. - Well, who would?
Well, we haven't officially asked them yet...
but we would want Monica and Chandler.
I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.
Oh, my God, I'm so moved.
I don't believe this. Hold on a second. You guys die...
and I don't get your baby?
Amy, see, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler.
We see them every day. And truthfully, you don't seem connected to the baby.
Connected? To what? She's a lump.
You know, guys, I've gotta say this means so much to me.
I mean, that you would trust me with your child.
I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been...
trying to have a baby of our own.
You know, I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but...
That you two...
- That you two... - This guy?
Seriously?
Okay, it's time for dinner.
Everyone, we're using our fancy china...
and it's very expensive, so please be careful.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa...
Okay, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well-received.
Hey!
How come my plate's less fancy than everyone else's?
Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?
No, honey. That's a special plate.
See, it's a game. Whoever gets that plate wins.
I can't believe I won!
You know, this is such a slap in the face. I mean, I'm your sister...
and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
Monica is Ross' sister.
No, Ross' sister was really fat.
That was me.
No, she was this dorky girl in school who followed Rachel around like a puppy...
Amy, you've got to stop doing that!
Okay, listen, I know you're having a bit of a family crisis...
but you don't have to take it out on the plates.
I mean, in fact, I think that everyone...
should cut their food like this:
Now, see? This way, you protect the plates...
and let's face it, you have fun.
Okay, how about this? If you guys die...
and the crazy plate lady dies...
then do I get the baby? - No, if crazy plate lady...
If Monica dies, then I would get Emma. Right?
- Well, actually... - Actually what?
It's just... It's just that in that case...
then Emma would go to my parents.
- What? - Hurts, doesn't it?
Who has to die for me to get her?
So if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
No, that is not what we're saying.
Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Well, what's wrong with me? Am I incompetent?
Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
You're taking this the wrong way. We think you'll be a wonderful parent.
It's just... You're more the, you know, fun parent.
Yeah, and we wanna make sure Emma also has someone like Monica...
who's more of a disciplinarian.
Someone who can be firm and strict.
That's not how you see me, is it?
No, you're all about the fun.
I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?
No. You both are equally capable.
It's just you're strongest when you're together.
Okay. So if we both had Emma, and I died...
she'd have to give her up.
Sure. Monica would have to give her up.
I lie better than that, right?
Let me just get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma.
Then my wife dies. Then Emma, the one tiny ray of hope left in my life...
gets taken away from me? - There's your movie.
Hey, there you are.
- You disappeared after dinner. - Did somebody miss me?
Was there a child to raise poorly?
Ross and Rachel don't know what they're saying.
It's not like they're so responsible.
Emma is a product of a bottle of merlot and a five-year-old condom.
No, but they're right. I'm not a strong father figure, and I never will be.
No, you learn these things. You grow into it.
Yeah, but it's not who I am.
Everything they said is exactly why I was worried about having a kid. And it's true.
- And look, everybody knows it. - I don't know it.
I wanna have a kid with you because I think you'll be an amazing dad.
At the fun parts and at the hard parts.
Well, can you picture me saying, "Go to your room, you're grounded"?
Can you hear me say, "You're grounded"?
You said that to me last week.
How hard is it? "No shoes on the furniture!"
The producer from Days left a message asking why I wasn't at the parade.
They said everybody's really pissed off at me. And they all got to meet Santa!
It's okay. I thought of the perfect lie for you.
It's easy to remember, and it doesn't invite a lot of questions.
You weren't at the parade, because you had a family emergency.
I like that! Yeah!
I wasn't at the parade, because I had a family emergency.
What happened?
- My sister's raccoon came... - No, nothing with a raccoon!
- Wait, what are you doing? - Setting the table.
We thought it might be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too.
How nice. Maybe later we can all blow our noses on my wedding dress.
Hey, dude, you okay? Sorry about before.
That's okay. You're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child.
But it did hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that if I die...
you don't get Joey.
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
You know, this is just... This is classic Rachel.
Right. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
This might be my one chance to have a child, Rachel.
I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my career...
- What career? - I'm a decorator.
You decorate Dad's office and now you're a decorator?
Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday, now I'm a koala bear.
- Why can't you ever be supportive? - You want to talk supportive?
You didn't come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby!
You didn't come see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done!
I did the first time.
You know what? You want to know why I am not giving Emily to you?
- Emma. - Whose side are you on?
I'm not giving you Emma, because you can't handle the responsibility of a child.
Well, how hard could it be? You do it.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
You wanna know why you don't want me to have the baby?
Because you don't want me to be happy.
- You have always been jealous of me. - Jealous of what?
Of your lack of responsibility? Your immaturity?
Your total disregard for other people's feelings?
To name a few.
You've always been like this.
You had to have everything, and I couldn't have anything.
Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me.
I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me?
Timmy was my boyfriend, and you made out with him!
Come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
I cannot believe that I invited you here today!
Yeah, well, you know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister...
gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren, and I still have to pay retail?
It's 45.
You bitch.
You just think you're so perfect...
with your new baby and your small apartment.
Well, let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
Too far, Amy. Too far.
- You take that back. - No.
- Take it back! - No. What are you gonna do? Make me?
Hey, man, I work out!
- So do I. - I do Pilates.
- I do yoga. - Bring it on!
Put the plates in the boxes! Put the plates in the boxes!
- Did you just push me? - Yeah, I think I did.
All right, that's it.
Forget the bubble wrap! There isn't time!
Frizzy, frizzy, frizzy!
- Shouldn't we stop this? - Are you out of your mind?
Let's throw some Jell-O on them!
Gross!
All right, that is it! This is our apartment, and you cannot behave this way!
If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all.
Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out...
but they're important to Monica. And I want you to apologize to her now.
I'm sorry. Mon, I'm so sorry.
Okay. That's better.
Now, I want you to apologize to each other and mean it.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
By the way, that fight was totally arousing.
Dude, well done.
If I die and Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma.
Yeah? Well, thanks.
So... So now do I get Joey?
Okay. But you should know he eats a lot and shoves pennies up his nose.
- Are you okay, Mon? - Uh-huh.
I mean, these things happen. I mean, it's just a plate.
- It's not like somebody died. - It's all right. You can mourn.
Thank you. It was so beautiful!
I'm gonna go to Joey's and get the pies.
Actually, not pies. It's just pie.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, I've lost the will to scold.
Look, Amy...
we got a little...
a little out-of-control over there.
And I'm sorry.
You're my sister...
and if it really means that much to you...
- So you're gonna give me the baby? - No, I was...
I was gonna let you use my Ralph Lauren discount.
You are not gonna regret this.
- She needs changing. - No, no, no. I'll get her.
I am super confident, totally responsible and fourth in line to raise Emma.
I'll be right there, Emma! Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here.
Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one who dies first.
- Does Monica know about her plates? Nope.
- Broke them all, huh? - Yep.
- You gonna tell her? - Nope.
Hey. So I'm gonna put the plates back.
I think you're right. We shouldn't use these plates for a long time.
- Like only if the queen comes? - Maybe not even then.
Hey. I did it.
I told my producer I had a family emergency. He totally bought it.
- Thanks for teaching me how to lie. - No problem. Next week, stealing.
- Bye, plates. - You told her you broke all the plates?
What? Something happened with the plates?
Yeah, this raccoon came in...