He sprang to his sleigh To his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew Like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim Ere he drove out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all And to all a good night."
- Wow. That was great. - Mm-hm.
You really wrote that?
Uh-huh.
- Say goodbye, elves. I'm off to Tulsa. Aw.
I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.
You're really not coming back?
Yeah, we have this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year.
- If I don't get it done, I'll be fired. - It's so unfair.
- You don't even like your job. - So? Who does?
- I like my job. - I love my job.
- I can't wait to go back to work. - I can't get enough dinosaurs.
I'm sorry I won't be here.
It's just hard enough not seeing you during the week...
but for Christmas...
If this is what you have to do, I understand.
Thanks.
I'll see you New Year's Day.
You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve?
- Did I not mention that? - No.
And to all a good night.
All right, everybody. I know that it is Christmas Eve...
and you'd rather be with your families, but there is no call for writing:
"Screw you, Mr. Bing" on the back of my chair.
By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
- Hey. - Hey. Where you been?
I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three.
It was really beautiful. They have all these decorations and this huge tree.
And I just thought, to hell with them, we have to work.
So I stole their ham.
You hear that? You may not be with your families...
but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
My kid's in a play right now.
You know what? I know what will cheer you guys up.
I had a talk with the boys in New York.
I told them about all the hard work you've been doing...
and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
"A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet."
Well, that's like money in your pocket.
All right, look, you want me to say it? This sucks.
Being here sucks. This work sucks.
Now it feels like Christmas.
I'm sorry.
Hey, at least you get to go home and be with your families tonight.
I have to back to an empty hotel room and lay down...
on a very questionable bedspread.
Then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses.
Which, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
- You can come to my house. - Ha, ha. No, thanks.
- It was a nice pep talk. - Oh, thanks.
I'm actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.
So if you were home right now, what would you be doing?
Typical Christmassy stuff, you know. Our holidays are pretty traditional.
So here's a very special holiday song...
that I wrote for some very important people to me.
Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap
Asked him to bring my friends All kinds of crap
Said all you need Is to write them a song
They haven't heard it yet So don't try to sing along
No don't sing along
Monica, Monica Have a happy Hanukkah
Saw Santa Claus He said hello to Ross
And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy
And Rachel and Chandler
Happy holidays, everybody.
Okay, Pheebs, look in the kitchen. I'll look in the back closet.
I can save you time, ladies. I'm right here.
Yeah. Chandler, why don't you take a walk?
This doesn't concern you.
We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
What? That's terrible. - No, no. We do it every year.
Oh, well, that makes it not terrible.
No. Yeah, we never find them. She's always bested us, that wily...
minx.
Don't worry. We're gonna search here for an hour...
and then we're gonna go to Joey's and search. Okay?
No, not okay. You can't look for Monica's presents.
- No, we have to. - No, you don't have to.
And you can't, because I live here too.
- Well, then you should look with us. - Why?
Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Oh, pfft. That's it? A great idea again?
Chandler, that's not enough. What if she gets you a great present...
two medium presents and a bunch of little presents...
and you got her one great present? That's just gonna make her feel bad.
Why would you do that to her, Chandler? Why? Why?
- If I helped, we could find them faster. - That's right.
- Ooh, ooh, we have a live one. - It's a Macy's bag.
Yeah.
- Oh. - Ooh. Who's it for?
"Dear Losers: Do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch?
P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Rach, these are for you.
Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
Okay, Pheebs, your turn.
Ah. Toilet seat covers.
Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
You guys.
And for Ross, Mr. Sweet Tooth.
- You got me a cola drink? - And... a lemon-lime.
Wow. Well, this... This is too much.
I feel like I should get you another sweater.
And last, but not least...
They're ribbed, for your pleasure.
Well, hey, Ben.
What if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
Cool.
Come on, Ben.
Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Santa. - Hey.
What are you doing here, Santa?
Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben.
What are you doing here...
weird turtle-man?
I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend.
You sent me here to give Ben some presents.
Remember?
What?
Okay, Ben, why don't you open some more presents?
Santa, the armadillo and I will have a talk in the kitchen.
There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
What are you doing?
You called everyone and said you had trouble finding a Santa costume...
so I borrowed one from a guy at work.
Thank you, but you gotta leave.
- Why? - Because...
I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah.
And you're wrecking it.
But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
I'm sorry, Chandler, but this is really important to me.
Okay, fine. I'll give the suit back.
Hey, you think you can keep it another night?
Santa? Really?
- Yeah, is that okay? - Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?
- No. - Then it's okay.
You know what, everybody?
Go home. You should be with your families.
It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.
Did I not tell anyone about New Year's Eve?
All right, look, go. Go home, okay? Merry Christmas. Go.
Merry Christmas. Peace on earth.
Bye. - Good. Godspeed, good people.
- You're not gonna go? - Nah. I couldn't leave you alone.
Oh. Thanks.
Besides, I can't leave until that Christmas party downstairs clears out.
There are some pissed-off insurance people looking for that ham.
Ah.
- Chandler Bing. - Hi, honey. We're all here.
We just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Aw, merry Christmas. I miss you guys.
So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?
Uh, well, no, it's just, uh, me and Wendy.
Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
It is. Did I not tell you about her?
Mm-hm. About the time you told me about New Year's Eve.
- Where's everybody else? I sent them home.
Oh, you are such a good boss. Is she pretty?
- Uh... Uh... - Answer faster. Answer faster.
- I don't know. - Answer better. Answer better.
I don't think of her that way. I mean, she's a, uh, colleague.
- What does she do there? - Oh, she's regional vice president.
- She's just below me. - She did what?
Below me.
Oh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
What?
Well, she didn't win.
All right, well, maybe I should let you...
and the second-prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
Well, second prettiest that year.
Of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably...
Chandler, stop talking.
Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.
- Okay. - I'm serious.
Okay.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, you guys. Merry Christmas.
- The wife says hi. - Ah. Fun conversation?
Ah, well, she's just got this weird idea that, uh...
just because you and I are alone something's gonna happen.
Huh? Really?
Hmm. Would that be so terrible?
This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about...
but you're getting ham on my only tie.
- Whoa, back off, missy. - Ha, ha. Missy?
I don't know. I'm not used to girls making passes at me.
Wait a minute. Am I sexy in Oklahoma?
- You are to me. - No. No. No.
- Look, I'm married. - So? I'm married.
I'm happily married.
Oh. What's that like?
- Right. So I'm sorry, but... - Seriously? Happily married?
So that phone call before, that was happy?
Well, look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart.
She's entitled to be a little paranoid.
Or, in this case, right on the money.
You know, she's amazing and beautiful and smart.
And if she were here right now, she'd kick your ass.
Look, you're a really nice person, ham stealing and adultery aside.
But what I have with my wife is pretty great.
So nothing's ever gonna happen between us.
Okay, let me ask you something.
If what you and your wife have is so great...
then why are you spending Christmas with me?
You were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight.
- Really? - Are you kidding?
You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on? You and I just made out.
- You and I are making out? - Well, not anymore.
- But we don't do that. - I know. I just thought it would be fun.
- How drunk are you? - Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this.
Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
That's a perfect amount.
- You know what's weird? - What?
- This doesn't feel weird. - I know.
- You're a really good kisser. - Well, I have kissed over four women.
- You wanna get under the covers? - Uh-huh.
Okay.
Wow, you are really fast.
It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
- We're gonna see each other naked. - Yep.
- You want to do it at the same time? - Count of three?
- One. - Two.
Three.
Well, I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Eh, we weren't that close anyway.
So are you really gonna go out with that nurse-man?
Well, uh, you and I are just goofing around.
I thought, why not just goof around with him?
I don't know if you've ever looked up the term "goofing around" in the dictionary.
Well, I have.
And the technical definition is two friends...
who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex...
and just want to spend more time together.
But if you have this newfangled dictionary that gets you mad at me...
then we have to, you know, get you my original dictionary.
I am so bad at this.
I think you're better than you think you are.
- Really? Okay. So if...? - Know when to stop.
You know, I sensed that I should stop.
- So we're okay? - Yeah.
- Don't do the dance. - Right.
I can't get married without something old, something new...
something borrowed, something blue. - Okay, okay.
Here's something blue and new.
You are so efficient. I love you.
- Let's go. - No, no, wait.
We need something old.
Okay. I have a condom in my wallet that I've had since I was 12.
That'll work.
I don't think so.
Okay. Now we just need something borrowed.
- Here, just take this. - That's stealing.
We'll bring it back. Just put it under your dress.
Aw.
Okay, one thing at a time.
Listen, um...
I've been thinking.
It's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding.
I mean, you work... You work really hard for that.
- Well... - Well, you work for that.
Look, I've thought about it too. And...
I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
- You do? - Yeah. I'm putting my foot down.
Yeah, look, when I proposed...
I told you that I would do anything to make you happy.
And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then...
Then that's what we're gonna do.
You are so sweet.
But wait. What about our...? What about the future and stuff?
Ah, forget about the future and stuff. So we only have two kids.
You know, we'll pick our favorite, and that one will get to go to college.
- You've thought about that? - Yeah.
- How many kids were we gonna have? - Uh, four. A boy, twin girls...
and another boy.
- What else did you think about? - Well, heh...
stuff like where we'd live, you know.
Like a small place outside the city where our kids could ride their bikes and stuff.
You know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar...
and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door.
Of course we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
You know what?
I don't... I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
- Sure you do. - No.
I want everything that you've just said.
I want a marriage.
- You sure? - Mm-hm.
- I love you so much. - I love you.
- Ah! Oh, I love it. - Really? You're not gonna return it?
Well, not this second.
Hey, look, you guys. It's snowing.
Oh.
- Oh, wow, it's so beautiful. - Wow, it really is.
Ah.
Wendy's a fat-girl name.
Aren't we done with that?
Okay, fine. Fine. Let's talk about snow.
Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa...
where my husband's having sex on a copying machine?
- Hey. - Oh, my God.
Hey. Aw.
Hey. Look at that. It's a Christmas miracle.
- What are you doing here? - I wanted to be with you.
I missed you so much.
- Hey, hey, uh, who'd you miss the most? - Monica.
Gotcha.
- I never wanna leave you again. - But I thought if you left, you'd get fired.
Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.
- What? - What? You...? You really quit your job?
Yeah. It was a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you.
And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do...
what he really wants to do?
- Well, what do you really wanna do? - I have not thought this through.
- Oh, my God. - I know. I should've talked to you first.
No, I think that this is what you wanna do. I think it's great.
Thanks.
Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could ever imagine.
Aw.
- Now give me my real gift. Yeah.
Thank you. - Here, pass those around.
Oh, hey.
"A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet."
How did you know?
What? Are you kidding? I can't return this.
I thought it was time we started thinking about other people.
And besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
- Mine says, "To Lillian Myers." - I don't have a job.
Actuary? No.
Bookkeeper? Hmm, no.
Topless dancer?
Hey, you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner.
You are the head of the household. I don't do anything. I'm a kept man.
You are.
Honey, here's 20 bucks.
Go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow.