1 00:00:03,796 --> 00:00:06,007 - Hey. - Yeah. Yeah, okay. Sure. 2 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,093 Look, can we talk about what happened here last night? 3 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:13,055 Sure. Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you. 4 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:19,061 You believe that whoever did something last night did what they did or didn't do? 5 00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:22,356 Okay, you really don't know what I'm talking about? 6 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,026 - No. - Okay. Last night, after the party... 7 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,779 I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony. 8 00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,406 Our balcony? Seriously? 9 00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:33,951 That's so funny. I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony... 10 00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:37,788 and she said, "No, no. It's too cold. Nobody will go out there." And I said: 11 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,416 "Maybe if we put some lights out there they will." 12 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:46,464 Right, that's what I came over to talk about. I saw Rachel kissing some guy... 13 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:50,384 on your balcony, even though there were no lights! 14 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:54,305 So are you gonna talk to her? 15 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:58,350 Why? Why should I? I mean, if she wants to move on, that's fine. 16 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:02,146 You know when "that's fine" sounds true? When someone yells it and spits. 17 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:07,610 No, I'm serious. I mean, if she wants to date people, fine. I don't care. 18 00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:09,945 But at least she could have told me. 19 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:13,616 You know, I've been putting my life on hold and concentrating on Emma. 20 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:19,455 But if she wants to go out there kissing guys she barely knows, then so will I. 21 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:24,752 Very funny! Ross is gay! Ha, ha. 22 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,130 No, no. Good, so you're moving on. 23 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:30,800 Do you have any idea where you're moving on to? 24 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,885 I've got plenty of opportunities. 25 00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:37,556 Just now, there was some woman at the coffeehouse smiled at me. 26 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:43,270 And then the other day on the subway, a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand. 27 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:48,275 Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life. 28 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,195 And there's an anthropologist atschooL" 29 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:55,116 who totally came on to me during the interdepartmental potluck dinner. 30 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,952 Why did I get married? 31 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:52,047 Hey, let me ask you guys something. 32 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,008 I'm having new headshots taken tomorrow. 33 00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:57,511 The photographer said she thinks I should have my eyebrows waxed. 34 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,972 Is that weird for a guy? 35 00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:02,349 - Well, it depends. - On? 36 00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:05,394 On how far along he is in the sex-change process. 37 00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:11,025 No, I totally disagree. I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. 38 00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:12,776 Especially an actor. 39 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,863 I mean, not that you need to. Your eyebrows are... 40 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,870 Stop it, you guys. Stop staring, you're freaking me out. 41 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,372 Your knuckles are kind of hairy too. 42 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:28,876 Oh, man, now I have to get those done too? 43 00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:33,130 - Wow, talk about high maintenance. - You dye your hair. 44 00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:36,550 - I'm a woman. - Double standards! 45 00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:40,804 Before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight? 46 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:44,850 - Only if I don't have to get up and sing. - But everybody sings. It's so fun. 47 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:49,188 Last time, this adorable old man got up there, forgot all the words, flipped out... 48 00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:53,734 and everyone booed him off the stage. It was so funny. 49 00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,404 Look, I'm not good at singing. 50 00:03:57,613 --> 00:04:01,742 Oh, what's the matter? You scared? You afraid I'm a better singer? 51 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,119 You afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing? 52 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,875 Nope. Nope. It's not working on me. 53 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:13,087 Wow, I must be growing up. 54 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:19,134 Okay, fine. Just please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing. 55 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:23,472 So I don't have to sing, and I can just sit there and pass judgment on others? 56 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,933 - While drinking. - I'm there. 57 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,938 Hi, you guys. Listen, I really need your help. 58 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:33,607 I think I did something really stupid. 59 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:37,444 Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something so beautiful out of it. 60 00:04:40,072 --> 00:04:42,866 No, not that. I kissed Gavin last night. 61 00:04:43,075 --> 00:04:44,159 - My God. - You kissed him? 62 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,912 Yeah, it was after the party, we were on the balcony— 63 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:50,457 Wait, wait, wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I miss that? 64 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:54,795 Well, it was the end of the party. You were probably ironing wrapping paper. 65 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,214 Oh, yeah. 66 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:01,802 So how did you end up kissing? 67 00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,346 We were all alone and he was being really nice... 68 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:07,725 - ... and he gave me this scarf. - I thought you hated him. 69 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,644 Well, there is a thin line between love and hate... 70 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:15,399 and it turns out that line is a scarf. 71 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,820 Are you thinking of starting something up with this guy? 72 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,032 I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy. 73 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:26,744 I have the baby, and I have Ross. I don't know what to do. 74 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:30,164 And I have to be at the office and see Gavin in 10 minutes. 75 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,917 Sounds like you need to think about what you want and talk to Gavin. 76 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:38,047 - And you definitely should talk to Ross. - Or... 77 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,800 I could call in sick and not deal with it at all. 78 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,804 Wow! Five months maternity leave, you're back for four days... 79 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:50,267 kiss a co-worker and call in sick. They are lucky to have you. 80 00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,318 - Hi. - Hi. 81 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:04,281 - I'm here for my eyebrow appointment. - Name? 82 00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,241 Chandler Bing. 83 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,162 Okay, very good. 84 00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:13,540 Have a seat right here, Mr. Bing, and Sonya will be right with you. 85 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,793 - Okay. Thanks. - Mm-hm. 86 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:43,362 Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. 87 00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:50,327 Uh-oh. 88 00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:04,133 I touched the stuff. 89 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,219 I'll take care of it. 90 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,766 Thanks. 91 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,019 So do you...? Do you get a lot of guys in here? 92 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,981 - Oh, absolutely. - Oh, good. 93 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:22,818 - You looking to meet somebody? - All right, let's just do this. 94 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,655 Okay, we'll get to the wax in a minute. 95 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:29,575 First, I want to tweeze some of the strays, okay? 96 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:33,704 - Now, this may sting just a little bit. - I have an extremely high threshold— 97 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:37,958 Holy Mother of God! Oh, my face! My face! 98 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,300 I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. 99 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,845 It's just a bit of shock, that's all. 100 00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:54,475 - But I'll be fine. You can go again. - Okay. 101 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,646 Sorry. 102 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,446 Damn it, woman! 103 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,324 QW, ow! Oh! 104 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,620 Okay. 105 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,584 - Hey! - Hey! 106 00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:24,171 It's the most eligible man in New York. How's the moving on going? 107 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,885 Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand... 108 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:34,014 but that person was neither female nor wearing pants. 109 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:39,394 Maybe you're going about this the wrong way. I mean, think about it: 110 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:44,024 Single white male, divorced three times, two illegitimate children. 111 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,904 The personal ad writes itself. 112 00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:53,867 You know, that's funny. Yeah. So do you think you'll ever work again? 113 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:58,664 What are you doing? You know I can only dish it out. 114 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:03,919 I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me. 115 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,712 Maybe she didn't move on. 116 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:09,508 Maybe that kiss was just an impulsive, one-time birthday thing. 117 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:12,678 No, a month ago, she gave her number to some guy in a bar. 118 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,972 - Did she go out with him? - No. When he called... 119 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,640 I threw the message away. 120 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,477 Ah, the highroad. 121 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:25,691 All right, you know what? Enough. Enough talking. I have to get moving. 122 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:30,946 Hey, check out those two blonds over there. Hey, come with me. 123 00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,782 Are you trying to get everybody divorced? 124 00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:37,869 You don't have to do anything. It'll just be easier if it's two of us. 125 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:42,374 Like college, remember? First, you break the ice with some kind of a joke... 126 00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:46,628 so they know you're the funny one. I swoop in with interesting conversation... 127 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:51,049 so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding sexy one. 128 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,471 I thought I got to make the jokes. 129 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,435 - Don't you have to be at work? - Oh, come on. 130 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:09,109 Hello. Hi, my name's Chandler. This is my friend Ross right here. 131 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,861 We were wondering... 132 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:15,032 if you're up for it, we only need six more people for a human pyramid. 133 00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:18,910 Swoop. Swoop. 134 00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,789 Uh... So, um... 135 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:26,752 Hey, I notice you're reading the paper. 136 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:29,254 Another flood in Europe, huh? 137 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,717 Um, here's a question: 138 00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:40,140 Would you rather drown or be burned alive? 139 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:45,896 - I'm sorry, we're just leaving. - Okay. 140 00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:50,734 We still got it. 141 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:03,830 - Who is it? Gavin. I brought you some soup. 142 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,500 - Why? - Uh, I heard your were sick. 143 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:10,545 Oh, right! Hold on, let me just clean up in here a little bit. 144 00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:23,392 Hello, Gavin. 145 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,269 I missed you at work. How you feeling? 146 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:30,190 I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick. 147 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,527 Oh, good. Because I was having a totally paranoid moment... 148 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,904 where I thought you called in sick to avoid me. 149 00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:39,032 Oh, no, no, no. 150 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,870 So I had fun last night. 151 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,540 So did I. 152 00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,461 Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? 153 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:56,883 Is it a cold from standing on the balcony, or did a monkey bite you? 154 00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,303 - It's just a cold. - Do you have a fever? 155 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,764 Let me see. 156 00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:08,311 Um... 157 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,188 What? What is it? What's the matter? 158 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,858 What's Ross doing to you in that picture? 159 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:16,778 Oh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush. 160 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,365 He thought it would be funny. 161 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,784 - Right. Right. - Yeah. 162 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,953 - Ross. - Yeah. 163 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,957 What's the deal with you guys? I don't wanna get in the middle of anything. 164 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:32,961 Oh, you're not getting in the middle of anything. Don't worry about Ross. 165 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,757 Hide! That's Ross! Hide! 166 00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,634 - Hide! Hide! - Yeah, but you said not to worry— 167 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,596 I lied and I'm not sick either! Just stay behind the curtain! 168 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,770 - Hi. - Oh, Molly. You're not Ross. 169 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,814 No. I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember? 170 00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,608 Right. Yes, yes. 171 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,652 - Don't panic. What? 172 00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,071 There is a man behind your curtain. 173 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:03,867 - I have Mace in my purse. - No, that's okay! No, no, no. 174 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:09,080 This is my business associate Gavin being silly. Come out from behind there. 175 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,460 Hi. Gavin. Pleased to meet you. 176 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,880 It was my idea to stand there. 177 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:21,343 - Hello. I'll just go get Emma. Okay. 178 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,764 So... 179 00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:29,726 - ... why did I have to hide? - I thought it was Ross. 180 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:32,687 I thought there was nothing going on between you. 181 00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:34,856 There isn't. There totally isn't. 182 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:39,611 You hear keys in the hall and you jump like a bronco coming out of the chute. 183 00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,074 I used to be a rodeo clown. 184 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:49,663 Um, all right, look, Gavin... 185 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:56,002 I guess I felt guilty that you were here... 186 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,171 Which I shouldn't. 187 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,925 You know, Ross and I are not in a relationship... 188 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:06,638 but he is the father of my child. And, you know... 189 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:10,433 we do live together. And plus, there's just so much history, you know? 190 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,519 It's just— I don't know. 191 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:16,815 - I'm sorry. I'm just all over the place. - It's okay. 192 00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:20,944 It's probably not my place, but can I give you a piece of advice? 193 00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:24,573 - Yes. - You should talk to Ross about all this. 194 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:28,076 People keep saying that. 195 00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:32,414 Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin. 196 00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:34,249 Don't be. 197 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,085 It's just bad timing. 198 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,547 So seriously, rodeo clown? 199 00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:44,092 One of the best, ma'am. One of the best. 200 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:52,017 No time for losers 201 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:57,564 'Cause we are the champions 202 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,818 Of the world 203 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:16,207 Oh, she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. 204 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:18,960 I'm gonna take a little break, and when we come back... 205 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,505 we've got Kenneth singing "I Touch Myself." 206 00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:25,842 I'm not here to judge. 207 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:32,515 - You have got to sing. - No, I told you I can't. 208 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:36,186 But you would have so much fun. And you have a really nice voice. 209 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,940 - When have you heard me sing? - All the time, when you're cooking. 210 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,733 - What? - Yeah, you're always singing: 211 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,694 "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy." 212 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,697 Yeah, I do rock that one. 213 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,078 Isn't there just a little part of you that wants to get up there? 214 00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:57,332 Just a little. But, God, it's so scary. 215 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,501 I don't even know what I would sing. 216 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,379 - Well, I've got a book around— - "Delta Dawn." 217 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:16,351 Hi. I couldn't help but notice, but that's an unusual necklace. 218 00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,396 You already hit on me an hour ago. 219 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:24,734 Right. So that's a firm no? 220 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:33,535 I don't believe this. I just keep striking out. 221 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,162 I don't get it either. 222 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,040 I mean, you're obviously desperate. 223 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:43,044 You're asking women how they wanna be killed. 224 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:46,339 This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys... 225 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:50,385 until she finds the one she wants, and I'm gonna die alone. 226 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:53,555 By drowning or...? 227 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:59,185 - Why would he break up with me? - I don't know, sweetie. 228 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:03,648 All I ever wanted was to just love him and have him love me back. 229 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:07,569 I mean, am I so unlovable? 230 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:10,864 - Wow. - I know. 231 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,586 All right. That was Kenneth with his... 232 00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:28,548 much too literal rendition of "I Touch Myself." 233 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,927 Coming up next, we've got Monica singing "Delta Dawn." 234 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,014 Wait. I can't sing in front of all these people. 235 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:38,600 Just pretend they're not even here. It's okay. 236 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:43,438 Once that spotlight hits you, it's so bright, you won't see anyone anyway. 237 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:50,737 Hi, I'm Monica. And I'm going to be singing "Delta Dawn." 238 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:06,586 Delta Dawn What's that flower you have on? 239 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:13,468 Could it be a faded rose From days gone by? 240 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:19,390 - Can you totally see through her shirt? - Like an x-ray. 241 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:23,311 Bad day not to wear a bra. 242 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:30,276 Take me to that mansion in the sky 243 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,573 Hey. 244 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,243 I need your help. 245 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,372 Wow, it seems serious. 246 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:46,126 What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd? 247 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:50,296 I'm getting new headshots taken. So I went to get my eyebrows shaped. 248 00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:53,424 I'm sorry. Moment to make fun of that, please. 249 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:58,263 I may be a sissy, but I'll still pound you into the ground. 250 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:02,308 Look, it hurt so bad, I could only let her do one eyebrow, and now... 251 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,228 they don't match! 252 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:21,661 It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama. 253 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,998 You gotta help me out, okay? Look, I have a magic marker. 254 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:28,126 Fill in the skinny one so I don't look stupid for my pictures. 255 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,920 Okay, first of all, this is green. 256 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,174 - What the hell am I supposed to do? - I will help you out... 257 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:38,970 but you have to promise you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you. 258 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:41,764 What? What? 259 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,433 Okay. 260 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,728 You know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn... 261 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:51,482 or taking out the garbage? Well, I earned mine... 262 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:57,614 by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business partners." 263 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,037 Oh, my God. 264 00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:07,790 Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help, Victor-Victoria. 265 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,044 No, no, no. I do. I do. I need your help. 266 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:14,881 But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take any more plucking. It hurt so bad. 267 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:19,844 Not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera and my gentle... 268 00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,556 self-loathing touch. 269 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:32,190 Take me to that mansion in the sky 270 00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,905 Aww... 271 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,866 I'm sorry, the song's over. 272 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:47,413 - Did you see me up there? - Every little bit of you. 273 00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:52,252 I can't believe I sang in front of people and they liked me. 274 00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:55,046 Did you hear that guy shouting, "Look at those tips"? 275 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:59,092 I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips? 276 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,385 Sure. 277 00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:05,682 - Mon, not that you didn't sound good... - Good? 278 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,310 Didn't you hear them? I was great! 279 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:14,148 Thank you so much for making me do this. That is the best gift ever. 280 00:21:14,357 --> 00:21:17,110 Also a good gift: underwear. 281 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,491 Thank you so much for letting me do this. 282 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,787 Public bathrooms freak me out. I can't even pee, let alone do anything else. 283 00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:31,833 But what's great is, you don't mind talking about it. 284 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:36,629 It is so amazing that I met you on the same day that Eric broke up with me... 285 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:40,675 because it's like, you lose a boyfriend, and you get a boyfriend. 286 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,552 Uh-huh. 287 00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:47,974 No, don't worry. This is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric. 288 00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:50,101 Phew. 289 00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:57,692 Good choice, Ross. 290 00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:01,654 Oh, hey. Hi. There you are. 291 00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:05,450 - I've been looking for you everywhere. - Hello. Well, here I am. 292 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,619 My mom is not bringing the baby back until 9:00. 293 00:22:08,786 --> 00:22:12,040 So I was hoping you and I could have a chance to kind of— 294 00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:18,588 - Somebody here? - Oh, yeah. That's Michelle. 295 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:21,924 - Who? - Oh, just this woman I've been seeing. 296 00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:26,804 - You've been seeing someone? - Yeah, didn't I mention that? 297 00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:29,891 I mean, we haven't been going out too long... 298 00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:33,936 but there's this amazing connection between us. 299 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:37,899 I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend. 300 00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:42,111 I thought it was a little too soon, but also, it felt kind of nice. 301 00:22:44,238 --> 00:22:48,076 What are you taking amoxicillin for? 302 00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:56,501 How great is this? You're already comfortable enough... 303 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:59,379 to look through my stuff. 304 00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:02,006 I'm sorry, Michelle, this is my roommate, Rachel. 305 00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:04,300 And I'm also Emma's mother. 306 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:08,554 - Who's Emma? - I told you about my daughter. 307 00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:11,182 This is your daughter? 308 00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:14,685 I could be your new mommy. 309 00:23:25,029 --> 00:23:26,781 And done. 310 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:29,617 Oh, my God. 311 00:23:29,784 --> 00:23:32,870 I didn't feel a thing. Hey, are you still looking for a job? 312 00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:36,624 Because you could tweeze circles around that sadistic bitch at the salon. 313 00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:41,254 - Thanks. Wanna see what it looks like? - Yeah. 314 00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:42,713 Hey! 315 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,175 They totally match. They look great. 316 00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:49,512 They look great. How you doing? 317 00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:53,975 Yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was... 318 00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:56,894 uncovering a birthmark right about there... 319 00:23:57,061 --> 00:24:00,148 but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate. 320 00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:02,900 - Chandler, thank you so much. - No problem. 321 00:24:03,067 --> 00:24:06,529 Listen, that was a pretty girlie hour we just spent. 322 00:24:06,696 --> 00:24:09,157 We should do something manly to make up for it. 323 00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:11,534 Yeah. 324 00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:17,165 - Curl my eyelashes. - Yeah! 325 00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:25,214 For my next song, I think I'll sing something a little more upbeat, all right? 326 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:29,385 Oh, how about the Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"? 327 00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:31,888 And make it bouncy. 328 00:24:32,054 --> 00:24:35,016 Well, you can probably take care of that on your end. 329 00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:39,937 I'm sorry I'm late. You'll understand when you see Joey. 330 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:43,691 Honey, you're just in time. I'm about to sing another song. 331 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:46,611 - Really? In front of all these people? - And they love me. 332 00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:51,032 - Oh, my God. - She gives the people what they want. 333 00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,743 All right, watch. 334 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:02,710 Tonight, tonight we're gonna Make it happen 335 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:07,089 Tonight we'll put all other things aside 336 00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:10,593 Get in this time And show me some affection 337 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,888 Are those my wife's nipples? 338 00:25:14,222 --> 00:25:18,184 Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before. I wouldn't have let her go up again. 339 00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:19,644 I've got to stop this. 340 00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,313 Wrap myself around you— 341 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:28,361 Yeah! 342 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:37,119 Oh, who cares? They still love me. 343 00:25:40,331 --> 00:25:44,085 You, touching yourself! Out! 344 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,968 Wow! She does that a lot. 345 00:25:53,511 --> 00:25:56,973 Ross, you didn't tell me you were a doctor. 346 00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,309 Wait a minute. You haven't even told her you are a doctor yet? 347 00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:02,436 How long have you known her, like an hour? 348 00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:05,773 Actually, about an hour and a half. 349 00:26:05,940 --> 00:26:10,528 I told you it wasn't long, but there's an amazing connection between us. 350 00:26:10,695 --> 00:26:13,030 You feel that too? Oh! 351 00:26:13,197 --> 00:26:17,910 - I thought that that was just me. - Are you kidding? 352 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:22,039 - Do you wanna go away this weekend? - We'll see. 353 00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,625 Ross, what's going on here? 354 00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:27,753 Are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now? 355 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,464 I don't know. Are we just kissing guys on balconies? 356 00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:34,635 - How do you know about that? - Through the magic of sight. 357 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,018 - I was here, putting our child to sleep— - Emma. 358 00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:47,189 When I looked through the window and saw you kissing a guy... 359 00:26:47,356 --> 00:26:49,358 you've known for what, a week? 360 00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:53,362 God, is that what this is all about? You bring her up here to get back at me? 361 00:26:53,571 --> 00:26:57,074 No, actually, see, I had to pee because I can't use public bathrooms... 362 00:26:57,241 --> 00:27:01,579 - ... because of the doody parasites. - Okay, Michelle, it's time to go. 363 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:04,498 - Well, call me. - Okay. 364 00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:06,459 Wait, you don't have my phone number. 365 00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:09,837 You know what? If it's meant to be, I'll guess it. 366 00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:13,674 Bye-bye. 367 00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,344 Score. 368 00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:19,221 Did you not like her? Because I was hoping we could come... 369 00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:21,432 to your kissing parties on the balcony. 370 00:27:21,641 --> 00:27:25,186 I can't believe you are making a big deal about this. It was one kiss! 371 00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:27,980 - One guy. One time! - Oh, really? 372 00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:30,816 - Yeah. - Oh, really? 373 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:34,362 Oh, yeah. 374 00:27:34,570 --> 00:27:37,323 - What about the guy from the bar? - Who? 375 00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:40,660 The guy you gave your number to. 376 00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:45,122 - How do you know about that? - Because he called here looking for you. 377 00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:49,418 So don't tell me kissing this guy from work is a one-time thing. 378 00:27:49,627 --> 00:27:52,922 Because you've been out there in bars and on balconies... 379 00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:57,259 for over a month now. And you don't even have the courtesy to tell me. 380 00:27:58,135 --> 00:28:00,971 - Why didn't I get that message? - What? 381 00:28:01,138 --> 00:28:04,934 From the guy in the bar? Why didn't I get that message? 382 00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:08,312 Because I folded it up and put it in my pants pocket. 383 00:28:08,479 --> 00:28:11,649 Do you—? Do you not look there? 384 00:28:13,609 --> 00:28:15,152 Ross. 385 00:28:17,863 --> 00:28:20,366 I never gave it to you. 386 00:28:20,533 --> 00:28:22,243 Why? 387 00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:26,622 - I don't know. - Oh, God, you know what? I don't... 388 00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,542 Who do you think you are? Who are you to decide... 389 00:28:29,709 --> 00:28:32,628 what messages I should or should not get? 390 00:28:32,962 --> 00:28:35,756 Who am I? I'm the guy who's taking care of our baby... 391 00:28:35,923 --> 00:28:39,218 - ... while you're at bars meeting guys! - I cannot believe you. 392 00:28:39,385 --> 00:28:43,597 I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation about us. 393 00:28:43,764 --> 00:28:46,350 But I can't do that with someone who hides my messages... 394 00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:49,353 and brings crazy women back to my apartment! 395 00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:53,858 Hey, none of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! 396 00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:59,572 That's not the point, okay? The point is... 397 00:28:59,739 --> 00:29:03,784 you are the one who moved on and didn't tell anyone. 398 00:29:03,993 --> 00:29:08,122 Oh, God, Ross, this is just so messed up. 399 00:29:08,289 --> 00:29:12,418 What is wrong with us? When people hear about our situation, they ask: 400 00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:15,629 "You live together, but you're not a couple, yet you have a baby? 401 00:29:15,796 --> 00:29:19,967 Isn't that weird?" And I say, "No. It's not, because it works for us." 402 00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,094 But you know what? This doesn't work. 403 00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:26,390 - In fact, this is the opposite of working. - Clearly. 404 00:29:28,142 --> 00:29:29,852 And you know... 405 00:29:30,019 --> 00:29:33,731 we said that we would live together as long as this makes sense... 406 00:29:33,898 --> 00:29:38,277 and maybe this just doesn't make sense anymore. 407 00:29:39,862 --> 00:29:42,323 Yeah, maybe not. 408 00:29:43,574 --> 00:29:46,035 So, what do you wanna do? 409 00:29:49,205 --> 00:29:52,041 - Hey. - Hi. 410 00:29:52,208 --> 00:29:55,669 Can Emma and I live here for a while? 411 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,255 God. Uh... 412 00:29:58,964 --> 00:30:02,843 - Of course. - Thank you. 413 00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:09,850 Your eyebrows look weird. 414 00:30:17,274 --> 00:30:21,362 Jeremiah was a bullfrog 415 00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:25,032 Was a good friend of mine 416 00:30:25,199 --> 00:30:28,452 Never understood a single word he said 417 00:30:28,661 --> 00:30:32,456 But I helped him drink his wine 418 00:30:35,376 --> 00:30:38,379 So you'll just touch yourself for anything, then?