God, you're beautiful.
Why are we fighting this?
You know you want it to happen as much as I do.
I want you. I need you.
Let me make love to you.
I don't wanna stand in the way of, uh, true love or anything...
but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.
No, I'm, uh, rehearsing my lines.
They're giving me a romantic story on Days of our Lives.
It's the first time my character's got one. I'm nervous. I want it to be good.
Wow, I haven't seen you this worked-up since you did that dog-food commercial...
and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog.
Yeah, that was a disappointment.
Ooh, hey, you wanna, uh, come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing okay?
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
You just have to promise not to get thrown out again.
- That was an honest mistake. - Right.
"Oh, my God. Is this the men's room? I feel so foolish.
Have you always known you wanted to be an actor?"
Yeah, that was an awesome day.
- Hey! Hey.
You guys wanna come eat dinner at the restaurant in the next few weeks?
- Sure! - I'd love to.
Well, you can't.
- We're booked solid for the next month. - Well, I can't give you a massage...
because my license has been revoked again.
- Phoebe, what happened? - Well, it was an accident, you know.
It's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips.
Have I got a surprise for you. Pack your bags.
Oh, no. You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for seven years.
What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont.
Oh, good. Okay, good for you. Trying to recapture the magic.
- So can you get out of work? - Honey, I can't.
- Things are crazy at the restaurant. - You're really that busy?
Yeah. I'm sorry, I really am.
That's okay. I'll just, uh, try and reschedule.
Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there...
and I need to change it.
What do you mean it's nonrefundable? Well, can I just come some other time?
Can't you make an exception?
Tell them I'm a chef at a big New York restaurant.
Tell them that in two weeks, I will once again be a masseuse in good standing.
Look, this is ridiculous. I'm not paying for that room, okay?
Well, thank you very much.
Yeah, I'm going to Vermont.
- Don't worry, use your travel insurance. - I don't have travel insurance.
Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge.
Why don't you take Ross?
Heh. Don't you think that'll be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn?
- No, not if the room has two beds. - I guess.
It still seems a little— "Moonlight boat ride"?
Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity?
I don't know, but one of the extras sure did.
Listen, Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes.
Please, honey. Just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm—
Oh, my God. Is that Christian Saunders? He is so gorgeous!
And also, so gay.
Well, in my head, he's done some pretty not-gay stuff.
Well, at the Christmas party, him and Santa did some definitely-gay stuff.
Joey? Joey, we're ready for you.
Oh. Ahem. Okay. All right, wish me luck.
Okay. Not that you need it, but good— God! Is that Chase Lassiter?
- He's straight, right? - Rash, if you weren't here wondering...
if these guys were gay, I don't know if I could do this.
- I'm sorry, you're right. I'm sorry. Good luck. On a bell, please.
Quietly.
And action!
Drake, what are you doing here?
Stopping you from marrying the wrong man...
and making the biggest mistake of your life.
- Get out. - You don't love him.
What do you know about love?
I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge.
That kiss never happened. - Well, what about this one?
Now, I told you to get out.
Fine, I'll go.
But let me ask you one question.
- You look real familiar. Have we—? - Shh! He's asking her a question.
Can you live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been?
- I don't have a choice. - Yes, you do.
Yes, you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice because I...
Because I can't stop loving you.
Don't say that. Tell me to stop.
Just"
tell me to stop.
Cut! - No!
Or, cut. You know, that's your call.
- Everything was delicious. - Thank you.
It was. The duck in particular was superb.
Thank you.
You haven't said anything.
Actually, I do have one small complaint.
Oh, well, please, I welcome criticism.
The musician right outside the restaurant is kind of a mood killer.
What musician?
And there's a country called Argentina
It's a place I've never seen
But I'm told for 50 pesos You can buy a human spleen
Human spleen
Olé!
What are you doing here?
You said you had customers lined up in the street, so I'm here to entertain.
- Great. - Yeah, it really has been great too.
They must have seen me play before...
because they requested a bunch of my songs.
Yeah, "You Suck"...
and, um, "Shut Up and Go Home."
- Listen, Phoebe. - Yeah.
You know how much I love listening to your music...
- ... but... - But what?
Um, this is kind of a classy place.
Okay, say no more.
It wasn't just that she was fat The woman smelled like garbage
Everyone!
It wasn't just that she was fat The woman smelled like garbage
Classy, huh?
Hi, Chandler Bing. I have a reservation.
Welcome to the Chestnut Inn. Where are you joining us from?
- New York. - The Big Apple.
He's wound up. We had to stop at every maple-candy stand on the way here.
I ate all my gifts for everybody.
I'm sorry, there's no record of your reservation in the computer.
- That's impossible. Check again, please. - Check again, please.
- I'm sorry, it's not here. - It's not there.
Let me get this straight. I called to try to cancel my reservation...
was told it's not refundable. We drove six hours all the way up here...
- ... and now we don't have a reservation? - I don't know what to say.
She doesn't know what to say.
Just give us the cheapest room you have.
The only thing we have available is our deluxe suite. The rate is $600.
- That's insane. - It's totally insane.
Let's drive home. We'll hit all the maple-candy stores on the way back...
and if they're closed, then maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves.
Does that room have a closet I can lock him in?
- We'll take it. - Great.
- They are totally ripping us off! - Dude, don't worry about it.
I know how to make your money back. This is a nice hotel. Plenty of amenities.
We just load up on those. Like those apples. Instead of taking one...
um, I take six.
Great. At $100 an apple, we're there.
Come on, you get the idea. You know, we'll make our money back in no time.
- Dude, you're shaking. - It's the sugar. Could you hold the apple?
Hi. - Hey.
Joey, I got to tell you, I have been thinking all day about that scene you did.
- You were amazing. - Oh.
You know, the writing was good. And the director's good.
And my costar's good.
But they're not as good as me!
You have to tell me what happens tomorrow.
I'm going over the script now. Wanna read lines with me?
Me? Oh, I'm not an actress.
- I can ask Monica. - Screw her! That part is mine!
Right.
Okay, so, uh, just from the top of the page right here.
Okay.
Hello, Drake. I'm surprised to see you here.
- I can't believe you married him. - Well, what choice did I have?
He was keeping my sister in a dungeon.
So, what about us? Everything we feel for each other?
It's over. You have to accept that.
How can I, knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again...
or touch your skin or feel your lips...
knowing I'll never make love to you?
How can I accept that I can never kiss you again...
when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now?
Kiss me.
What?
Kiss me.
- Uh, Rach, it doesn't say that. - No, I'm saying it.
- But— - Just don't talk.
Well, that's new.
Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206.
Um, I've forgotten a couple of things.
Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room?
Thank you. Okay, a toothbrush, toothpaste...
razor, mouthwash, deodorant, floss, Band-Aids, shaving cream, after shave.
And I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Um, is there anything else you have that I haven't asked for already?
Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons.
- What'd you get? - USA Today.
Nice. Put it with the others.
And I also got two more apples.
We're four short of a bushel!
God, I feel so alive. I love being in the country!
Also, got these great salt and pepper shakers...
- ... from the restaurant. - That's not cool.
Dude, none of this is cool.
Look, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing...
and taking what the hotel owes you.
For example: a hair dryer, no, no, no.
But shampoos and conditioners, yes,yes, yes.
Now, the salt shaker is off limits. Ah.
But the salt...
I wish I'd thought this through.
I think I get what you mean, though. Like, the lamp is the hotel's...
but the bulbs— Oh, you already got that.
Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
- Okay, uh, how about this? - No, no, no.
- You can't take the remote control. - Yes, but the batteries.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Ooh! Let's celebrate with some maple candy. - No!
At least tell me where you hid it.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Have you ever had any...
weird, romantic dreams?
Hmm, let me think.
Oh. When I was younger, I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese.
And on our wedding night, I ate his head.
Okay.
Well, this is like that...
in no way.
I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey.
Wow! You mean like "kiss him" kiss him?
Oh, yeah. I mean, it was pretty intense.
- What brought that on? - I don't know.
Maybe it had to do with the fact I saw him do a love scene.
- A love scene? With who? - Olivia.
Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor?
Oh, right. Real life more important.
- You think my dream means anything? - I don't know.
I mean, you saw him do a love scene. Maybe you don't have a thing for Joey.
Maybe you have a thing for Drake.
Huh...
Well, it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream.
Of course it was. Trust me, when it comes to psychology...
I know what I'm talking about.
- I took two psych classes in college. - You took the same class twice.
- It was hard! - I know.
- Hey. Hi.
Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant.
Ah. Ah. Wait.
Right? I think this might even class up "The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man."
Um, Phoebe...
maybe I wasn't clear before.
I really love listening to your music here.
But my restaurant, it's sort of an upscale place.
Right, yeah, okay. I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault.
Phoebe, it's not what you wear.
It's sort of your songs.
I just don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore.
Oh. Okay. Fine, I'll just—
I'll take the hat back.
There.
Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened at work the—
My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?
Okay, we're still on that.
- I didn't say they weren't good enough. - Then what's wrong with them?
What, they don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
- Tiny portions? - Yeah, well, um, "Excuse me.
I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but I can't see it. I can't see it."
- Phoebe, it's not about quantity. - Well, it's not about quality.
Oh, really? You wanna talk about quality?
Have you ever heard of a "key"? It's what some people sing in.
Well, at least all my songs don't taste like garlic.
Yeah, there are other ingredients, Monica.
So that's what we're doing.
When I'm in a coffeehouse bopping along to one of your songs...
- ... I'm wearing earplugs. - Earplugs or cloves of garlic?
You know what? I take back what I said before.
Keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside...
my bar sales have gone up like crazy.
What are people having, the garlic martini?
Here's your bill. We hope you enjoyed your stay.
Oh, we did. And you still have all your lamps.
- I didn't factor in the room tax. - Dude, don't worry about it.
I found an unattended maid's cart. We're way ahead of the game.
- Oh, my God. - What?
There's something new in the bowl.
- Look, we have enough. Just walk away. - No, but I want the pine cones.
- There's a forest right outside. - It's not the same.
Okay, go quick.
Thank you for a delightful stay.
MY maple candy!
The food here at Javu Will kill you
It's just you. I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall.
You'd better get back in that kitchen. The garlic's not gonna overuse itself.
- Okay, you have to stop playing now. - Why?
The only person my playing is bothering is you.
- Oh, yeah? Let's settle this. Come on. - Get your garlic peelers off me.
Excuse me? Excuse me?
Hi, I'm Monica Geller. I'm the head chef here.
Okay, I was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever.
Quick question. By a show of hands...
how many of you were bothered by this woman's singing outside?
Okay, okay. How many of you enjoyed the music outside?
Ha!
Let me ask you this question. How many thought the music was fine...
but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant?
Who identified this restaurant's tone as "pretentious-comma-garlicky"?
Okay, who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretension never hurt anyone?
Okay, well, all right, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine...
but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll-taking?
Excuse us.
All right, here's a question.
Uh, who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy...
that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music...
and feels really bad about it now?
Well, who was so stupid and stubborn...
that she lashed out against her friend's cooking...
which she actually thinks is pretty great?
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry too.
Hey, you wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner?
Yeah, as long as it's free. The food here is ridiculously overpr—
Who hopes the hand-raising thing is still cute enough that you won't hate me?
- Hey! - Hey!
Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head?
Oh, man. I thought I got it all.
How...?
How?
I was making a peanut butter smoothie, right?
I couldn't find this little plastic thingy that goes in the top of the blender.
And I thought, "Well, you know, how important can that be?" Right?
Turns out, very.
Wow, definitely just Drake.
- What? - How's it going with Drake?
- I don't think it's going very well. - What?
That scene I saw was so good.
Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we're shooting tomorrow.
Is this that thing you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment?
A little.
No, I really am worried. I have to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia.
- So? - So I've never played that.
Oh, honey, it can't be that hard. I mean, you've been in love before.
Uh, well, just once...
with you.
Okay. Well, this could be a little awkward.
I'm just gonna blow past it.
Well, look, can't you just use that method-actor thing...
where you use your real-life memories to help you in your performance?
What the hell are you talking about?
All right, look, just, um, try to remember how you felt when you were in love...
and think about that when you're playing the scene.
Oh.
Okay. Yeah, I think I can do that.
Yeah. Okay, there's this party scene coming up.
- Uh-huh. - And Olivia and her husband are there...
and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't.
That makes me think about those times I wanted to grab you and kiss you...
but you didn't know, so I would just pretend everything was cool...
but really it was killing me.
Joey, you never talked about that before.
Well...
Hey, you know what else I could use?
There's this scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom...
and she doesn't know he's there, which never happened with us.
I mean, he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her.
You know?
And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your makeup...
when I would think to myself, "My God, she is beautiful."
And it hurt so much because I knew I could never tell you.
But it was worth it just to be there looking at you.
Thanks, dude. This is great!
I got you something from Vermont.
Besides tampons and salt?
Oh, my God.
Maple candy. That's so sweet of you.
That's weird, it's empty.
Hi, you guys. What's going on? You guys wanna hang out, or...?
Do you guys hear a buzzing?