- Hey, guys. Hey.
Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend.
That place in Vermont? You can take a hint.
You can't go away this weekend. It's Emma's birthday.
- Yeah. - We're having a party.
Can't you have the party when we get back?
- No. - No. It won't be her real birthday.
Gee, if only she were 1 and had no idea what the hell a birthday was.
Come on, you guys, this is really important to us.
Sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away...
you know, to reconnect, emotionally. - There's this thing I really want us to do.
I read about it in Maxim.
Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day?
Yeah, we want everyone to be there.
As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister.
And, I mean, you know, you guys, this is a big deal.
I mean, how can we have her first birthday party...
without her aunt and her uncle?
All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party.
Fine. But if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party...
Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that.
You know, Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday...
my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house.
And then he would draw a treasure map to help me find them all.
Aw, I love family traditions like that.
When Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday...
our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food.
- Hey, guys. Hi.
- I brought the camera for Emma's video. - Oh, good!
We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma...
and we'll give it to her when she's 18. - Oh, cool.
- Wow, it's like a time capsule. Yeah.
Oh, just think, she's gonna be watching that video on a TV...
that hasn't even been invented yet...
with friends who, right now, are just, like, babies.
And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built...
to escape the ant people.
That's the hope.
- So is Emma awake yet? - No, it's still naptime.
- But she'll be up soon. - Where's Joey?
I said, it's still naptime.
- Hey, there's Uncle Joey. Hey.
Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday.
- Eighteen, huh? - Joey, no!
What? What? It's for her hot friends.
When they see this, you'll be 52.
And starting to think about settling down.
Hey, Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on?
Love to. Yeah.
- We were supposed to bring presents? - Yeah. I wrote Emma a song.
Oh, yeah. How was I supposed to know?
- Joey, it's a birthday party. - Yeah, but for a 1 -year-old.
What's the point? The other day she laughed for, like, an hour at a cup.
Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it, dressed as a farmer.
And he's standing next to this cow, and the cow says, "El-moo."
Man, that's a funny cup.
Hey.
- Where's the birthday girl? - Oh, she's still napping.
She was probably up all night excited about the party she knows is happening.
I know you guys really want to get to Vermont, and this isn't a big deal to you.
But it really is to us, okay? Emma will never have a first birthday again.
You're right. We're sorry.
Let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started!
No, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her.
Are you frigging kidding me, Green?
Hi! Hey!
I'm so glad you came. - I can't believe Emma's already 1.
I remember your first birthday.
Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you.
He pulled on his testicles so hard...
we had to take him to the emergency room.
There's something you didn't know about your dad.
Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Geller. Let me help you with that.
- Thank you. - Oh, man, this is great, huh?
The three of us together again. You know what would be fun?
If we gave this present to Emma from all of us.
Which one are you?
- I can't believe Emma's still asleep. - I know. What are we gonna do?
I've got a plan. I've got a plan.
I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs.
You're gonna scream out, and that'll wake her up.
I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica.
Hey, Pheebs? You know what?
I was thinking since you wrote a song...
maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents.
So you're gonna hit on her?
- No, no, no. My talents as an actor. Oh.
You know, I could, like, maybe...
I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books.
Or you could stick a fork in an apple.
- Hey, I think Emma might like it. - Oh, Emma might like what?
- Uh, my present. - What did you get her?
- Actually, we prepared performances. - Separate performances.
But equally real.
That sounds like fun.
You know what, actually?
People are getting a little antsy waiting for Emma to wake up from her nap.
So would you mind performing them once now?
- Sure, yeah! - Okay.
Okay. All right. Everybody, let's get this party started, huh?
Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us.
Oh, great.
Aren't you gonna be embarrassed having nothing prepared?
I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting.
So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?
I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books.
Oh, okay. Which one?
Uh, well, it's one of her favorites.
"Riding the Storm Out: Coping With Postpartum Depression."
Love You Forever.
"Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly Books. Printed...
in Mexico.
Ahem. A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him...
back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
And while she held him, she sang, 'I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living...
my baby you'll be."'
"And while he rocked her, he sang:
'I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living...
my baby you'll be."'
Oh, wow!
That was amazing.
Thank you so much for that gift.
I was not ready for this today.
- Amazing. Amazing. Phoebe, I'm sorry.
- Phoebe has prepared something. That's right.
I prepared a song for Emma, from my heart to hers.
For there's no greater gift than the gift of music.
Emma
Your name poses a dilemma
'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma
Maybe the actor, Richard Crenna
He played the commanding officer in Rambo.
Happy birthday, Emma
Is that it?
No, of course not.
No, I've also, you know, prepared a reading.
Um, "Sex and the Single Mother."
- "Finding your G-spot." Oh, no, no, no!
Hello, Emma. Happy 18th birthday.
Right now, that seems so far away, 17 years.
Yes. You'll be all grown up by then, and we'll be...
Well, your grandfather and I might not be here.
That's true. This message could be coming to you...
from beyond the grave, Emma.
- After all, my parents died very young. - And my cholesterol's off the charts.
Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too.
Okay, cut! Great. Great. That was just...
- Yeah. Oh, good.
Ross, uh, don't forget to get a shot of Emma's cake.
- It's in a box in the fridge. - Okay, sure.
You're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's.
Oh, my God, that place has the creamiest frosting.
I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid.
Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes...
in all different shapes. And if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing.
- Did you do a picture of Emma? - Yes. On a cake shaped like a bunny.
Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake...
erotic cakes?
Say, for bachelorette parties?
Ross, what are you talking...? Oh, my God!
They put my baby's face on a penis!
Now it's a party!
Wait, you guys, this isn't funny, all right?
If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!
Uh... Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?
- Jack, look at this. - I know what you're thinking, Judy.
The resemblance is uncanny.
I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.
No, no, this is not what I ordered, okay?
I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake...
for my daughter's birthday. And I need a bunny cake right now!
Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis...
so we could put it on the bunny.
That is a weird sentence.
Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back.
I don't even want it in my home. Don't touch it!
I'm so confused!
Yes, I still want my daughter's picture, but on a bunny cake!
Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!
To be fair, this one does have nuts.
Hey, Mon, it was nice of you to loan Rachel your car...
so she could get the cake. - It was nice of her to pull my hair...
till I dropped the key.
Well, while we're waiting, you could tape your message to Emma...
for her 18th birthday, huh? Okay?
Hi, Emma. It's the year 2020.
Are you still enjoying your nap?
We're Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler, by the way.
You may not recognize us...
because we haven't spoken to your parents in 17 years.
We used to be married.
But then we missed a weekend away together, and things kind of unraveled...
because of you.
Happy birthday.
Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now.
We seriously have to go if we want to get to Vermont.
- The last train leaves in a half-hour. - And I have a massage client soon.
You guys, just, please, a little bit longer.
I promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any minute.
Monica, remember the frosting, huh?
All right, five more minutes.
Hello?
Oh, no, what happened?
Okay, okay, where are you?
Okay, I'll be right there.
Was that Emma? Is she up?
Rachel got pulled over for speeding.
She forgot her license. So I have to bring it to her.
- If you're leaving, I'm definitely going. - Wait, if anybody gets to go, it's us!
We've been complaining the longest!
No, wait, you guys. No, you can't leave.
Rachel already feels bad that the cake's messed up.
How do you think she'll feel when she comes back and you're gone?
I don't know. You'll tell us on Monday.
Joey, you're in charge, okay? You make sure nobody leaves.
Got it!
Hey! Where do you think you're going?
To the bathroom.
Well, the rest of you get comfortable, okay...
because we are gonna be here for a...
- Wait, there's a window in there. - Oh, no! He's not getting away that easy!
What are you doing? Get the hell out of here!
Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it.
- No, it did not. - No.
Well, we'd better get going. It's late.
Jack's not allowed to drive at night anymore.
He has trouble staying in his lane.
Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene.
The papers thought it was a hate crime.
- Anyway, it was lovely seeing you. - Okay.
Bye. Bye, dear. - Nighty-night.
Nighty-night. Bye.
- How could you just let them leave? Hey, hey.
I'm not gonna mess with Jack. He's a great man. He fought for our country.
No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.
Well, that's it. He's the last one to go. I'm locking you guys in. Ha.
You do know I can just turn them the other way around, right?
Oh, I forgot you used to live here.
- Hello? - Joey, it's Estelle.
- Hey. - So how'd your audition go today?
- What audition? - The one I told you about last week.
What? You never said anything about an audition.
Let me start over. I just got a call about an audition.
I think you can still make it.
It's down at the Astor Theater, and you need to have a monologue prepared.
A monologue? I don't have a...
I got it. Uh...
So I'm gonna take off.
- What? - What? Wait! You don't get to leave.
I've got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute.
And we paid for a room that we're supposed to be in right now!
Well, okay, now...
only one of us has to stay with Emma.
Okay, and as the person who realized that, I get to go.
No, no, no. No. No.
Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying.
Oh, I got it.
Okay, everyone pick a number from one to 10, all right?
Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
- Okay, 10. - Okay, Monica picks 10. I call nine.
Anyone else?
- No, let's just draw straws. Okay.
Or we could flip a coin and multiply the answer...
- I'm begging you to stop. - Right.
Okay, how about this? We got wind-up toys for Emma for her birthday.
We can make them race, and whoever comes in last stays.
Yeah, let's do that!
That sounds more fun than the thing we were gonna do in Vermont!
- Okay, everybody, pick your toys! - Okay. I want the dolphin!
- That's a bear. - I'm too excited!
Phoebe, you get the bear. Joey, you get the robot.
- Oh, yeah. - And Chandler and I get the dog.
And the race is going to go from here to here.
Now, the one who comes in last stays!
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys.
- Okay. On your mark, get set, go! Go! Go!
Come on, robot!
What are you barking at?
Well, how is that gonna help?
I bought you! How did I forget that that's all you do?
Way to go, robot!
Good job, Alan.
- Hey, good race, you guys. - Yeah, see you later.
No. No, no. Wait.
We didn't lose.
The rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser.
Well, our dog never crossed the finish line. So technically...
They left.
There isn't time to go to the bakery. We're just gonna come home.
Everybody left?
All right. Well, just tell Emma that we'll be there as soon as we can. Bye.
- Rachel! - Oh, God, sorry!
I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're such a good driver.
- Emma's awake. - Yeah?
I can't believe this.
This is her first birthday, she's awake, we're not even there.
Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake.
Hey, maybe I can fix that. You know, try to turn it into something else.
Oh, don't even bother.
We've already ruined her first birthday.
And do you know how important these early experiences are, Ross? Very!
According to the back cover of that book that you gave me.
Rach, she's not gonna remember this.
I guess.
Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know?
Emma laughing...
and everybody gathered around her cake, singing "Happy Birthday."
And then we would all... Hey, get out of the road, you stupid student driver!
They have to learn.
- Hey. - What?
This is not bad.
Oh, my God. Look, you made it into a bunny. How did you do that?
Well, I just made these two things cheeks.
And then I split this to make ears.
Well, I am very impressed.
Some can sing, some can dance.
I, apparently, can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures.
Now, another way to organize your stuffed animals is by size.
I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica?
Game?
Emma, do you even know it's your birthday today? You're 1.
One year old. That's little.
That's my girl.
That's how old you are.
Did I teach her that? Did I just impart wisdom?
Aw, I want one.
Me too.
There's no one around. Why don't we just take this one?
- And head to Canada. - I was kidding.
I wasn't. Let's get going.
- Hey, are Ross and Rachel back? - No, not yet.
Good, I didn't miss the party. - What about your massage client?
I just felt so bad missing this. So I just slipped him a little something, you know.
As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it'll be all right.
Okay.
If Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. The whole time.
I've been here the whole time.
Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.
I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. Thanks, you guys.
Hey, guys, come on. You gotta see what Emma just did.
What? - Emma, how old are you?
How old are you today?
Oh, Emma, that's right. You're that many.
Oh, my God, our daughter's a genius.
- This means... - No! No science camp!
- Damn it! I'll put a candle on the cake. - Oh...
Oh, and, Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly.
Thanks.
Okay, here we go.
Emma's first birthday cake.
Go ahead, Emma, blow out the candle.
Come on, Emma. You can do it.
- What's wrong? Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, nothing.
These are happy tears. Ha, ha.
This is just what I wanted.
Hey, you made it into a bunny.
What is wrong with me? It looked more delicious when it was a penis.
- Okay. Yeah. - Okay, you ready?
- And record. - Okay.
Hi, Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and...
Go! Go! Come on!
Go! Go, Alan! Run, you hairy bastard!