Hey, you guys.
Hey. - What are you doing?
- Figuring out our wedding plans. - We were doing the same thing.
Yeah.
It's really crazy. The hall, the dress, the food.
- I had no idea how expensive this stuff was. - Yeah, it is really pricey.
- I freaked when I heard the numbers. - So, what did you two do about it?
It was simple. I came up with some cost-cutting solutions...
wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.
There's no way around it.
Just accept that this is gonna cost a lot of money.
I heard that weddings are, like, a $40 billion-a-year industry.
Yeah. And I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.
But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use.
Are you serious?
Yeah. Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity...
and we just got married at City Hall?
I think it would make me wanna marry you even more.
Well, I gotta say, you guys, that's an incredible gesture.
Maybe you do that next time you get married.
No, no, no. The next time's gonna be Hawaii at sunset.
But maybe the time after that.
- Hey. Hey.
What's going on?
Our adoption social worker is coming by, so we're cleaning the apartment.
"We"?
You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways.
Hey, is this the person who decides whether or not you get a baby?
- Kind of. She's coming to see where we live. - And it has to go perfectly.
If she doesn't like us, she can keep us off every adoption list in the state.
Hey, maybe I should stop by. She could be a soap-opera fan.
It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.
"Little people"?
"Celebrity."
So I think I'm just about done here.
Unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like porn or cigarettes?
What?
- No. - Chandler.
I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation.
So there's not a magazine under the couch...
or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank...
or a filthy video in the VCR?
I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine.
But that tape is not mine.
- It isn't mine. - I guess we'll never know whose it is.
- May I help you? - Yes.
We're here to make a rather sizable donation to the children.
Well, any contribution, large or small, is appreciated.
Well, I think you're gonna appreciate the crap out of this one.
- Well, this is very generous. - And we don't want any recognition.
This is completely anonymous.
Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers.
Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay.
We can put your names in our newsletter.
- Not necessary. - Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y.
And X is spelled, uh, "Mike Hannigan."
All right, well, on behalf of the children, thank you both very much.
- Sure. I'm glad we did this. It feels so good. - It does. It feels really good.
Oh, look. And we get these free T-shirts.
Actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym.
It's moist.
Emma will be up in a minute. Oh, good.
Oh, hey, Ross, listen. I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry.
Aw, that's okay. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there.
- Absolutely. - There was one. She's it.
All the rest look like they should live under a bridge.
So, uh, what are you gonna do today?
Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground.
Oh, my God. What?
Like I said, I was thinking of taking Emma to the Museum of Knives and Fire.
Okay, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground.
Because?
All right, if you must know, I had a traumatic...
swing incident when I was little.
- Seriously? - Yes. I was 4 years old.
And I was on the swing...
and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain.
And to get me out, my mom had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
And it was uneven for weeks.
And you made it through that?
I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
Okay, fine, you can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
And I was thinking Claire Danes.
Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy.
Okay? But the swings are perfectly safe. And besides, Emma loves them.
- You should come, and you'll see. - Those things go, like, 40 miles an hour.
And there's that moment when you're at the top...
when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to Earth.
Space is filled with orbiting children.
Look, please, just come on.
When you see the look on Emma's face, I swear, you won't regret it.
- All right. - Good.
You don't wanna be a mothers...
who pass on their irrational fears to their children, do you?
"Irrational," huh?
I'll remember that next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment.
Oh, yeah, that's the same.
I'm sure there are 30 different species of poisonous swings.
Oh, my God. The adoption lady is early.
Okay. Okay. Here we go.
Okay. - Here we go.
Stand up straight.
Big smile.
Hello. Is this the Creepy residence?
We're waiting for the adoption lady. But, hey, I'm glad you're here.
I was cleaning this morning and I found this.
I don't know if you wanna use it, but...
Oh, this is so sweet of you.
Oh, but I won't be needing a veil. I actually won't be wearing a dress at all.
I told you, I am not coming to a naked wedding.
No, no, no. We're not having a big reception.
We took the wedding money we were gonna spend...
and donated it to a children's charity.
That's crazy!
I'm sorry. I can't imagine giving up my one wedding day like that.
Yeah, well, we're different. I don't care about having a huge party.
This is really nice for you, but...
Oh, please. I put this on and, ugh, I just look like...
Well, radiant.
All right, but who cares? You know, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
That's right. You're making a commitment.
And, you know, that's the same whether you do it at the Plaza or...
- Where you gonna do it? - City Hall.
Oh!
Oh, that sounds nice.
I was just there for jury duty. They've really spruced that place up.
Okay. No, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I've made my decision.
What I really want is a great big wedding.
Yay!
- But you gave all the money to charity. - Well, I'll just ask for it back.
- I don't think you can do that. Why not?
This is her wedding day. That's way more important than some stupid kids.
That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption lady.
All right, okay. Be careful. Okay.
Careful. Watch her hair. Watch her hair!
- Rach, she's got, like, three hairs. - I know. I know.
But they're just so beautiful. Oh, my God, I just pulled one out.
I promise you she's safe, okay? Watch how much she loves this.
- Okay. Okay. - Are you ready, sweetie? Here we go.
Okay, careful. Okay. Oh.
She's smiling.
Look at that, she does like it.
- See, I told you. - Oh. Ah!
Oh, my God. Look at her, she's a little daredevil.
- Oh, God. Let me push. Can I push? - Oh, absolutely.
Okay. Oh, God. Okay, get the camera. It's in the diaper bag.
Okay.
See? Scared of the swings. I bet you feel pretty silly. Aah!
We're seriously asking for the money back?
It's for our wedding day.
All right, now, is this guy gay or straight? Because one of us has to start flirting.
Wow. You here to make another donation the same day?
I don't think that's ever happened before.
Gay. Go.
Oh, my God, I love your shirt.
The donation we made earlier? Um, well, we want it back.
Excuse me?
See, okay, that money was for a big wedding we thought we didn't want.
But it turns out we do.
So you're asking us to refund your donation to the children?
Yeah.
This feels really good.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I am. But this wedding's just really important to me.
Hey, it's none of my business. Besides, this is probably a good thing.
We've really been spoiling the children, what with all the food and warm clothing.
That's not fair. A person's wedding is important.
And especially to me.
Okay, I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to prom.
And I spent my sweet 16 being chased around a tire yard...
by an escaped mental patient who, in his own words, wanted to:
"Kill me, or whatever."
So I deserve a real celebration.
And I'm not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.
She could've been talking about either one of us.
Hi, I'm Laura. I'm here for your adoption interview.
Hi, I'm Monica. And this is Chandler.
Hi. Thank you. - Please come in.
- Would you like something to drink? Water would be fine.
We're so glad that you're here.
We're really excited about getting this process started.
Because we love kids. Love them to death.
Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech.
We love kids the appropriate amount...
as allowed by law.
- Your place is just lovely. - Thank you.
Yes, this building does have a wholesome, family feel to it.
I feel like I've been here before.
Are any other couples in the building adopting?
Is that that couple on the first floor?
Because we should get a baby before them.
That guy tried to sell me drugs.
But other than that, wholesome, wholesome building.
Oh.
- What? - I just realized why I remember this place.
- Really? What is it? - Oh, it's nothing.
I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building. It didn't end very well.
That wouldn't, by any chance, be Joey Tribbiani?
- Yes! - Of course it was.
We had a great night. In the morning, he promised he'd call and he didn't.
Rat bastard!
- So you're not friends with him? - Oh, God, no.
- No, no, no. - No. Nope.
- No, no, no. - No, no, no. No.
No.
Well, I'm sorry I brought it up.
So are either one of you planning on staying at home?
Hello? Anybody in there order a celebrity?
Ow!
What was that?
That's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here.
He's great with kids, though.
- Ross. Oh, my God, are you okay? - Son of a bitch!
Oh, relax. I didn't say the F-word.
Ross, see, I told you! Those swings are evil!
All right. That is it.
That's the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life.
No, no, no. Okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault.
And kind of that kid's fault.
Who is still laughing. Nice.
Come on. Can we just get out of here before somebody else gets hurt?
No. Okay, okay. Wait. I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing...
and you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of.
I know what this is all about.
You've always been jealous of my hair.
I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears.
- All right, fine. I'll do it. - Good.
- If you hold a spider. - Where? Where?
If you hold a spider.
I know.
Guys, is everything okay? It's me, Joey.
Adoption!
What's going on?
Oh, it's just like I said, that crazy...
Bert, roaming the halls.
Guys? - Keep on roaming, Bert!
We don't want any crazy today!
What's going on? - We'll talk later, Bert. Everything's fine!
Everything doesn't sound fine.
Is he all right out there by himself?
Oh, yeah. He has a caretaker. His older brother...
Ernie.
- Bert and Ernie? - You can't make this stuff up.
You never told me about that guy and your sweet 16.
- I'm sorry about that. - Oh, it ended okay.
One of my friends shot him.
Well, at least you'll get a proper wedding. You really deserve that.
Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up.
Just like the kids I took the money from.
No. No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there.
Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted.
Fine, we'll give the money back.
If that guy at the charity gives us a hard time...
my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.
I must say this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in.
You are welcome to look under any of the furniture...
because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there.
Before we look around, let me make sure I have everything I need up to here.
Why don't I show you the baby's room.
- What are you doing? - You wouldn't let me in.
- I thought you were in trouble. - Well, we're not.
But you called me "Bert."
That's our code word for danger.
- We don't have a code word. - We don't?
We really should.
From now on, "Bert" will be our code word for danger.
So that was the baby's room.
- Uh, what room should we see next? - Any room that isn't behind this couch.
Some people don't get him, but I think he's really funny.
I did not care for that.
You have to get out of here.
You slept with our social worker and never called her back.
She is still pissed, so she can't see you.
Okay, okay.
What? - I forgot my bat.
Oh, my God.
And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you!
And we don't wanna buy your bat!
What are you doing here?
Bert. Bert. Bert. Bert.
- Are you friends with him? - I can explain.
Joey?
All right. Okay. Uh...
Wow. Yeah...
You have got some nerve coming back here.
- I can't believe you never called me. - Excuse me?
You probably don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way.
And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it, lady.
I waited weeks for you to call me.
I gave you my number. You never called me.
Don't try to turn this around on me.
I am not some kind of social work...
that you can just...
do.
- I'm pretty sure I gave you my number. - Really? Think about it. Come on.
You're a beautiful woman. Smart, funny.
We had a really good time. Huh?
If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?
I don't know.
Well, maybe I'm wrong. I'm sorry.
Hey, too late for apologies. Okay? You broke my heart.
You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you?
- Joey, wait... No!
I waited a long time! I can't wait anymore.
I'm sorry that you had to see that. I'm so embarrassed.
- Oh, that's really okay. - Yeah. We totally understand.
- Dating is hard. - Boy, you people are nice.
And I've got to say...
I think you're going to make excellent parents.
Laura!
We're back.
Are you here to take more money?
Because I think what you're looking for is an ATM.
No, no, we're here to give the money back.
Yeah. Because you know what? It's all about the children.
Although it's also about the wedding.
Ugh. All right, here. No. Oh, God.
If I haven't said so already, sir, congratulations.
Okay, look, enough, all right?
I'm stepping in and putting my foot down.
As your future husband, I'm gonna make this decision for us.
What do you think we should do?
- It's not your decision anymore. - What?
On behalf of the children of New York, I reject your money.
- But we're giving you this. - And I'm giving it back to you.
Come on. Consider it a contribution.
Well, this is very generous.
Please, take the check.
Go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.
Sounds good to me. We can save up, come back...
and make an even bigger donation. Absolutely.
And when you do, ask for Brian.
- Oh, is that you? - No.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Oh, my God, really? I can't wait to tell Chandler.
Okay. Goodbye.
- Wrong number? - That was Laura.
She gave us a great report and we're officially on the waiting list.
- That's great. - Now we just wait for a call...
and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh.
Hello?
Have you seen Joey's bat?
Okay. I got a spider.
There were two, I picked the bigger one.
- Okay. - Okay.
This feels perfectly normal.
Okay, get on the swing.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Wow. Whoa.
- See? - All right. I can do this.
There you go. Good for you.
You know what? I'm getting used to this little guy.
- I don't even feel him in here anymore. - That's because he's on your neck.
Whoa! Ross!