1 00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:13,439 Hey! 2 00:00:13,463 --> 00:00:15,566 Learn how to drive, you jabroni! 3 00:00:15,590 --> 00:00:18,109 I'll sue you to the bottom of the fucking Hudson! 4 00:00:21,346 --> 00:00:22,698 It's so great to be back in New York. 5 00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:23,782 - Yeah. - Rats! 6 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:24,950 - Rat! - Oh, where? 7 00:00:24,974 --> 00:00:26,327 Ooh! Ooh! 8 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:42,676 We come bearing gifts. 9 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:43,844 - Oh. Wow. - Hi. 10 00:00:43,868 --> 00:00:45,720 - I see that. - Hi, pretty. 11 00:00:49,541 --> 00:00:51,477 Oh, look at that... look at that view. 12 00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:53,478 That's gorgeous. 13 00:00:56,548 --> 00:00:58,067 You know I can't accept bribes. 14 00:00:58,091 --> 00:00:59,360 - Bribes? I don't see bribes. - Bribes? 15 00:00:59,384 --> 00:01:00,986 Oh, no, this... 16 00:01:01,010 --> 00:01:02,696 - I just have low blood sugar. - It's like a hostess- 17 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,155 I wanted to grab some fruit. No, I went to a bodega. 18 00:01:04,179 --> 00:01:06,492 Uh... 19 00:01:06,516 --> 00:01:08,661 Well, I... I heard that you were understandably 20 00:01:08,685 --> 00:01:10,955 less than pleased that I announced 21 00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:13,707 I was doing a show at your esteemed venue 22 00:01:13,731 --> 00:01:15,334 before I had actually booked it. 23 00:01:15,358 --> 00:01:17,086 And I just wanted to come in person and apologize 24 00:01:17,110 --> 00:01:19,380 and say I cannot wait to work together. 25 00:01:19,404 --> 00:01:21,756 You're right. I was very pissed off. 26 00:01:21,780 --> 00:01:24,343 Because that is not how things work around here. 27 00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,011 No. I... I'm sorry. 28 00:01:26,035 --> 00:01:27,346 And if you had come to me, 29 00:01:27,370 --> 00:01:28,597 I would have told you that 30 00:01:28,621 --> 00:01:30,975 I don't think you're right for MSG. 31 00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:33,518 I think you're right for Radio City. 32 00:01:33,542 --> 00:01:35,646 I think you're right for Webster Hall. 33 00:01:35,670 --> 00:01:38,815 Ha! I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall. 34 00:01:38,839 --> 00:01:39,857 Oh, OK. 35 00:01:39,881 --> 00:01:42,403 I can tell you're a whole deal. 36 00:01:42,427 --> 00:01:44,988 She is, but we do feel very strongly that the Garden 37 00:01:45,012 --> 00:01:47,032 is the best venue for someone of Deborah's stature. 38 00:01:47,056 --> 00:01:48,367 Mm-kay. 39 00:01:48,391 --> 00:01:50,369 The talk show was great, 40 00:01:50,393 --> 00:01:52,538 but you don't have the comps. 41 00:01:52,562 --> 00:01:53,956 You haven't toured in years. 42 00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:55,874 You barely have any social media presence. 43 00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:58,294 It's just... it's too much of a gamble. 44 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:00,044 I will sell out. 45 00:02:01,195 --> 00:02:02,756 And even if I don't, what does it matter to you? 46 00:02:02,780 --> 00:02:04,049 I mean, we will front the rental costs. 47 00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:05,217 You'll be off the hook. 48 00:02:05,241 --> 00:02:06,719 It's not just about the money. 49 00:02:06,743 --> 00:02:08,886 If you are playing MSG, 50 00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:11,098 you are the center of cultural conversation. 51 00:02:11,122 --> 00:02:12,891 I mean, our venue is a major part 52 00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:14,226 of New York City's history. 53 00:02:14,250 --> 00:02:16,020 We can't just let anyone perform here. 54 00:02:16,044 --> 00:02:17,896 I'm sorry... isn't there a live 55 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,732 true crime podcast playing tonight? 56 00:02:19,756 --> 00:02:21,108 "Murder My Stupid Ass Please" 57 00:02:21,132 --> 00:02:23,277 has over 90 million monthly listeners. 58 00:02:23,301 --> 00:02:26,905 It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America. 59 00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:29,199 They swayed the presidential election. 60 00:02:29,223 --> 00:02:30,784 You know, I think you might be underestimating 61 00:02:30,808 --> 00:02:32,745 Deborah's fans, because they are rabid. 62 00:02:32,769 --> 00:02:34,204 They abducted me once. 63 00:02:34,228 --> 00:02:35,539 I got free, but I didn't call the cops, 64 00:02:35,563 --> 00:02:37,290 because they are so sweet. 65 00:02:38,483 --> 00:02:40,461 My point is, they're enthusiastic, 66 00:02:40,485 --> 00:02:41,795 and these tickets are gonna sell. 67 00:02:41,819 --> 00:02:43,088 I just don't see it. 68 00:02:43,112 --> 00:02:44,715 This won't be just a stand-up show. 69 00:02:44,739 --> 00:02:46,258 This will be historic. 70 00:02:46,282 --> 00:02:48,844 I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me 71 00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:50,262 and speaking truth to power. 72 00:02:50,286 --> 00:02:52,473 This is bigger than just me. 73 00:02:52,497 --> 00:02:54,600 I'm sorry, Deborah. 74 00:02:54,624 --> 00:02:55,933 I am so sorry. 75 00:02:55,957 --> 00:02:58,145 I... I should not have wasted your time 76 00:02:58,169 --> 00:03:01,773 with this petty gifting business. 77 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,152 How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway class A stock sound? 78 00:03:05,176 --> 00:03:07,237 Thank you so much for coming by. 79 00:03:07,261 --> 00:03:09,114 Absolutely. Thanks. Thank you. 80 00:03:09,138 --> 00:03:10,157 We'll leave these with your assistant. 81 00:03:10,181 --> 00:03:11,992 Thanks for your time. 82 00:03:12,016 --> 00:03:13,785 Have a nice day, I guess. 83 00:03:16,145 --> 00:03:17,414 That MSG booker is dumb. 84 00:03:17,438 --> 00:03:18,791 And her leather jacket was stupid. 85 00:03:18,815 --> 00:03:20,042 No, it was full-grain leather 86 00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:21,293 in a sophisticated cut. 87 00:03:21,317 --> 00:03:22,378 Fine, she's rich, cool, 88 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:23,837 and ruining our lives. 89 00:03:23,861 --> 00:03:26,006 Look, we just need to reignite the base. 90 00:03:26,030 --> 00:03:28,133 The Little Debbies would help me with anything. 91 00:03:28,157 --> 00:03:29,843 Do you remember '93? 92 00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:31,553 They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated 93 00:03:31,577 --> 00:03:33,138 as the spokesperson for SnackWell's? 94 00:03:33,162 --> 00:03:34,807 Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website 95 00:03:34,831 --> 00:03:35,933 the day your cashmere dusters dropped? 96 00:03:35,957 --> 00:03:37,183 Yeah, exactly. 97 00:03:37,207 --> 00:03:38,243 What about that autograph convention 98 00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:39,478 in Vegas you passed on? 99 00:03:39,502 --> 00:03:40,813 The Little Debbies will love that. 100 00:03:40,837 --> 00:03:42,606 You are a genius! All right. 101 00:03:42,630 --> 00:03:44,650 We get my biggest fans together in one place, 102 00:03:44,674 --> 00:03:46,360 I shower them with love and affection, 103 00:03:46,384 --> 00:03:48,112 and then we ask them to organize 104 00:03:48,136 --> 00:03:51,573 a grassroots movement to get me Madison Square Garden. 105 00:03:51,597 --> 00:03:53,492 - When is it? - Three weeks, the 21st. 106 00:03:53,516 --> 00:03:54,909 That... that's Ava's birthday. 107 00:03:54,933 --> 00:03:56,412 - It's fine. - Are there any other options? 108 00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:57,830 - No. - No, no, no, I... 109 00:03:57,854 --> 00:03:59,039 honestly, I don't care about my birthday. 110 00:03:59,063 --> 00:04:01,417 I really don't. 111 00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:03,669 You have to at least take the day off. 112 00:04:03,693 --> 00:04:05,087 And hang out with who? 113 00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:06,964 I only have one friend, remember? 114 00:04:06,988 --> 00:04:09,007 What are you talking about? 115 00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,634 You remember the last night in Singapore? 116 00:04:10,658 --> 00:04:12,558 You said it was weird you were my only friend? 117 00:04:13,870 --> 00:04:15,848 You probably don't remember. You were pretty drunk, girl. 118 00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:17,640 It's fine. Don't worry. 119 00:04:17,664 --> 00:04:19,226 I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts 120 00:04:19,250 --> 00:04:21,937 by letting a drunk person's insults affect me. 121 00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:23,731 Seriously, you should do it. 122 00:04:23,755 --> 00:04:25,357 So should I book it, or... 123 00:04:25,381 --> 00:04:27,067 - Yeah. - Yeah. 124 00:04:27,091 --> 00:04:28,860 Here, Jimmy, get the shot. 125 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,575 - Perfect. - Wha... 126 00:04:34,599 --> 00:04:36,201 That's what we've been waiting for? 127 00:04:36,225 --> 00:04:37,369 Yeah, for content. 128 00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:38,537 - God! - You need to chill. 129 00:04:38,561 --> 00:04:40,038 Uh, she wanted content. 130 00:04:57,413 --> 00:04:59,975 Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien. 131 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:01,643 So we've talked to the organizers, 132 00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:02,978 slipped them a hundo, and guess what. 133 00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,104 They moved Heather Locklear 134 00:05:04,128 --> 00:05:05,397 to the other side of the building. 135 00:05:05,421 --> 00:05:06,899 Good. 136 00:05:06,923 --> 00:05:08,442 She's still my exact shade of blonde in '98. 137 00:05:08,466 --> 00:05:09,735 And look, I know you want to be out by 3:00, 138 00:05:09,759 --> 00:05:11,403 so I'm gonna talk to Billy Baldwin and see 139 00:05:11,427 --> 00:05:13,197 if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio. 140 00:05:13,221 --> 00:05:14,615 Perfect, yeah, I don't want to be here too late. 141 00:05:14,639 --> 00:05:16,074 OK. I'm gonna head to the table. 142 00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:17,575 All right. See you over there. 143 00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:19,953 And you. 144 00:05:19,977 --> 00:05:21,205 Happy birthday, birthday girl. 145 00:05:21,229 --> 00:05:22,414 Thank you. Oh! 146 00:05:22,438 --> 00:05:23,749 - Tickling you. - Oh, thanks. 147 00:05:23,773 --> 00:05:25,209 I know we normally get you a gift, 148 00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:26,919 but we are a little low on funds this year. 149 00:05:26,943 --> 00:05:28,170 - I'm sorry about that. - Don't even worry about it. 150 00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:29,505 Oh, my God, I finished 151 00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:30,631 your "Mall Girl" script last night. 152 00:05:30,655 --> 00:05:32,799 - Ava, it is so good. - Mm-hmm. 153 00:05:32,823 --> 00:05:34,927 - Oh! - Yeah, I laughed, I cried. 154 00:05:34,951 --> 00:05:36,637 It's like, it's emotional and cinematic. 155 00:05:36,661 --> 00:05:38,639 It's really special, and I can't wait to send it around. 156 00:05:38,663 --> 00:05:40,057 Oh, my God. Amazing. Thank you. 157 00:05:40,081 --> 00:05:41,433 I'm proud of you. 158 00:05:41,457 --> 00:05:43,227 - Oh. - Coffee, birthday girl? 159 00:05:43,251 --> 00:05:46,063 Wow. This is a really fancy tray. 160 00:05:46,087 --> 00:05:48,607 Had it custom-made... heaters built in, 161 00:05:48,631 --> 00:05:51,318 USB charging, patent pending. 162 00:05:51,342 --> 00:05:53,153 You're a really good assistant. 163 00:05:53,177 --> 00:05:55,656 You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad. 164 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,699 It's about power. 165 00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,493 Nice watch. 166 00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:05,541 Oh, honey, I would love to sign this, 167 00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:06,959 but I can't legally. 168 00:06:06,983 --> 00:06:09,336 I love you guys. 169 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,503 Mwah! 170 00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:13,465 There they are. 171 00:06:13,489 --> 00:06:14,967 They're probably foaming at the mouth. 172 00:06:14,991 --> 00:06:16,635 Hey, my Little Debbies! 173 00:06:21,664 --> 00:06:23,933 Hi. 174 00:06:25,710 --> 00:06:27,186 Hello. 175 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:29,648 Oh, wow! 176 00:06:29,672 --> 00:06:31,483 The DV Industries Swiss Army knife. 177 00:06:31,507 --> 00:06:33,193 It's got it all. It's got the tweezers. 178 00:06:33,217 --> 00:06:34,987 It's got the brow spoolie. 179 00:06:35,011 --> 00:06:37,739 I mean, come on, who could ask for more than that? 180 00:06:37,763 --> 00:06:39,408 Very rare item. 181 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,326 Actually, it's widely available on the internet... 182 00:06:41,350 --> 00:06:42,619 which you'd know if you were still active 183 00:06:42,643 --> 00:06:44,162 on the DV message boards. 184 00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:46,123 Um, how would you... how would you like me to... 185 00:06:46,147 --> 00:06:47,541 Just your name, please. 186 00:06:47,565 --> 00:06:48,708 OK. 187 00:06:53,321 --> 00:06:54,714 It's great to see you. 188 00:06:56,490 --> 00:06:58,010 Hey. How's it going? 189 00:06:58,034 --> 00:06:59,720 Oddly icy. 190 00:06:59,744 --> 00:07:02,014 Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob 191 00:07:02,038 --> 00:07:03,390 on the boat in season three, 192 00:07:03,414 --> 00:07:05,017 so I'm feeling starstruck and amazing. 193 00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:06,268 One autograph. 194 00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:08,520 Hi, there. Hi. 195 00:07:08,544 --> 00:07:10,105 - Hi. - Oh, hey. 196 00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:11,899 Sorry, I think the line starts back there. 197 00:07:11,923 --> 00:07:14,318 Oh, no. I'm actually here for you. 198 00:07:14,342 --> 00:07:16,194 I am a huge fan. 199 00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:18,071 Of... of me? 200 00:07:18,095 --> 00:07:19,239 Yeah. 201 00:07:19,263 --> 00:07:20,657 I was obsessed with "Girl Town," 202 00:07:20,681 --> 00:07:22,200 and you always wrote the best episodes. 203 00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:24,995 Oh, my God. I left college for that job. 204 00:07:25,019 --> 00:07:26,330 I know. 205 00:07:26,354 --> 00:07:28,165 And then I followed you on Twitter. 206 00:07:28,189 --> 00:07:29,541 Even now, I'll just randomly look up 207 00:07:29,565 --> 00:07:30,587 your old tweets sometimes. 208 00:07:30,611 --> 00:07:32,878 Oh, no, don't do that. 209 00:07:32,902 --> 00:07:34,755 Anyway, then I saw "My Bad" 210 00:07:34,779 --> 00:07:36,798 because I heard that you'd worked on it. 211 00:07:36,822 --> 00:07:38,216 Yeah. 212 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,093 I'd never even seen Deborah before. 213 00:07:40,117 --> 00:07:41,637 I mean... It's kind of crazy how 214 00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:44,222 you've changed the whole trajectory of her career. 215 00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:46,224 She's mad lucky to have you. 216 00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:47,392 I wish you said that 217 00:07:47,416 --> 00:07:49,061 a little louder, but thank you. 218 00:07:49,085 --> 00:07:51,772 Will you sign your "Times" magazine cover? 219 00:07:53,798 --> 00:07:55,525 Yes, I... I've never... 220 00:07:55,549 --> 00:07:57,611 never signed anything for anyone before. 221 00:07:57,635 --> 00:07:59,571 Wow. This is amazing. 222 00:07:59,595 --> 00:08:01,657 I really now understand why parasocial relationships 223 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:02,991 are replacing real ones. 224 00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:05,661 But seriously, thank you 225 00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:08,037 for all that you contribute to society. 226 00:08:09,647 --> 00:08:11,248 Anytime. 227 00:08:13,985 --> 00:08:15,921 I'll catch you around. 228 00:08:15,945 --> 00:08:17,089 Yeah, I'll be around all day. 229 00:08:17,113 --> 00:08:18,423 Coolie. 230 00:08:18,447 --> 00:08:21,093 Coolie. Coolie. 231 00:08:21,117 --> 00:08:23,095 I can't tell you how sorry I am. 232 00:08:23,119 --> 00:08:24,137 Please. It's on me. 233 00:08:24,161 --> 00:08:25,597 Thank you. Thanks. 234 00:08:25,621 --> 00:08:26,765 Thanks for coming. 235 00:08:26,789 --> 00:08:28,475 - Ticket. - Oh, Ezekiel. 236 00:08:28,499 --> 00:08:29,935 How nice to see a familiar face. 237 00:08:29,959 --> 00:08:31,353 What can I sign for you? 238 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:33,438 I've actually signed something for you. 239 00:08:33,462 --> 00:08:35,357 It's my resignation letter as president 240 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,818 of the Deborah Vance Fan Club, Southwest Branch. 241 00:08:37,842 --> 00:08:39,819 But Ezekiel, you... you've been a pillar 242 00:08:39,843 --> 00:08:41,822 of the Little Debbie community for years! 243 00:08:41,846 --> 00:08:43,740 I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion 244 00:08:43,764 --> 00:08:46,785 into her base, so I am taking my talents elsewhere. 245 00:08:46,809 --> 00:08:49,371 OK. OK, what... what is going on? 246 00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:50,831 What is the problem? 247 00:08:50,855 --> 00:08:52,791 The problem is that you went Hollywood. 248 00:08:52,815 --> 00:08:55,961 I did not go Hollywood! 249 00:08:55,985 --> 00:08:57,337 Yes, you did. 250 00:08:57,361 --> 00:08:58,672 You haven't sent out Deborah's Dos and Don'ts 251 00:08:58,696 --> 00:09:00,173 in almost two years. 252 00:09:00,197 --> 00:09:01,717 I don't know what to do and what not to do. 253 00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,635 Sometimes I just sit in the dark. 254 00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:04,970 - Yeah! - Yeah! 255 00:09:04,994 --> 00:09:07,597 You discontinued your car insurance plan! 256 00:09:07,621 --> 00:09:09,474 - And now I'm uninsured. - Yeah! 257 00:09:09,498 --> 00:09:11,935 Oh, honey, you gotta have insurance. 258 00:09:11,959 --> 00:09:14,146 And you discontinued the Deborah Vance red light mask. 259 00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:16,523 I liked the burns! It eventually turned to tan. 260 00:09:16,547 --> 00:09:17,649 - Yeah! - Yeah! 261 00:09:17,673 --> 00:09:18,953 You won't admit you're a lizard! 262 00:09:21,635 --> 00:09:23,822 Hey, get into a single-file line, 263 00:09:23,846 --> 00:09:25,157 or you will be tased! 264 00:09:25,181 --> 00:09:26,783 Do not fuck with me! 265 00:09:30,561 --> 00:09:32,330 You should address the lizard thing. 266 00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:34,039 It's gaining traction. 267 00:09:35,191 --> 00:09:36,835 Who's next? 268 00:09:36,859 --> 00:09:38,086 And you really don't mind switching with Deborah? 269 00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:39,254 Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. 270 00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,256 That rant she did against Lipka? 271 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,175 Gold, legend. 272 00:09:43,199 --> 00:09:45,010 - Guy's a freaking animal. - Tell me about it. 273 00:09:45,034 --> 00:09:47,387 Well, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party. 274 00:09:47,411 --> 00:09:50,515 I never go, but the invite's always nice. 275 00:09:50,539 --> 00:09:51,892 Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, man. 276 00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:53,185 We appreciate you. 277 00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:55,020 Never too big, Jimmy. 278 00:09:55,044 --> 00:09:57,856 - Never too big. - My man. All right. 279 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,400 OK, now that's a guy I could be friends with... I love him. 280 00:10:00,424 --> 00:10:02,069 Exactly what I like to hear from you, boss, 281 00:10:02,093 --> 00:10:03,737 because I do not want to see you fall prey 282 00:10:03,761 --> 00:10:05,697 to the male loneliness epidemic. 283 00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:07,199 - No. - I know. It's terrible. 284 00:10:07,223 --> 00:10:09,201 My Uncle Maury shot himself in the head. 285 00:10:09,225 --> 00:10:10,911 It's Renee O'Connor. 286 00:10:10,935 --> 00:10:12,204 Who's that? 287 00:10:12,228 --> 00:10:13,330 From "Xena: Warrior Princess," 288 00:10:13,354 --> 00:10:14,998 the show... the show on The WB. 289 00:10:15,022 --> 00:10:16,374 - Oh, TV show. - Yeah. 290 00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:17,876 I haven't made it to TV yet. 291 00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,378 I'm still making it through all the movies. 292 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:22,339 - She's Xena? - No, that's Gabrielle. 293 00:10:22,363 --> 00:10:24,674 That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant. 294 00:10:24,698 --> 00:10:26,843 - She's a traveling bard. - Well, you gotta go say hi. 295 00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,345 Hell, no. I would be so nervous. 296 00:10:28,369 --> 00:10:30,013 I... I would faint. No, I couldn't. 297 00:10:30,037 --> 00:10:31,681 I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times. 298 00:10:31,705 --> 00:10:33,225 I even still have a recurring dream 299 00:10:33,249 --> 00:10:35,060 that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus 300 00:10:35,084 --> 00:10:36,812 so that humans don't lose their capacity for healing and fire. 301 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:38,480 Jimmy, you're meeting her. 302 00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:39,898 You'll regret it if you don't. Come on. 303 00:10:39,922 --> 00:10:41,858 - You think? - I know so. 304 00:10:41,882 --> 00:10:43,235 OK. OK. 305 00:10:43,259 --> 00:10:44,402 God, I wish I had a beta blocker. 306 00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:45,445 - Ah. - All right, let's go. 307 00:10:45,469 --> 00:10:47,322 Whoo! 308 00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:48,740 So are you working on anything else, 309 00:10:48,764 --> 00:10:50,492 other than writing for Deborah? 310 00:10:50,516 --> 00:10:51,952 Yeah, yeah, I actually just wrote a movie 311 00:10:51,976 --> 00:10:53,745 about a girl who lives at the mall, so... 312 00:10:53,769 --> 00:10:55,747 Oh! Such a good idea. 313 00:10:55,771 --> 00:10:57,791 Got my tickets. I am "saur" sat. 314 00:10:57,815 --> 00:10:59,668 You are so sweet. 315 00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:01,920 Shit, wait, this is just occurring to me. 316 00:11:01,944 --> 00:11:03,630 Are you gonna have to leave Deborah? 317 00:11:03,654 --> 00:11:05,382 No, no. I mean, 318 00:11:05,406 --> 00:11:06,883 especially not after what she did for me 319 00:11:06,907 --> 00:11:08,384 - at "Late Night." - Mm. 320 00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:13,974 So what's your, like, dream? 321 00:11:13,998 --> 00:11:15,600 You know, I've always wanted to create my own show. 322 00:11:15,624 --> 00:11:16,935 Oh. 323 00:11:16,959 --> 00:11:18,895 I was voted Most Likely to Showrun 324 00:11:18,919 --> 00:11:20,438 in my high school yearbook. 325 00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:23,066 I mean, I did create the superlative, but still. 326 00:11:23,090 --> 00:11:25,068 I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, 327 00:11:25,092 --> 00:11:27,571 but, um, it's your birthday today, right? 328 00:11:27,595 --> 00:11:29,781 Yeah. Yes, it is. 329 00:11:29,805 --> 00:11:32,159 And you're turning 30, right? 330 00:11:32,183 --> 00:11:33,618 - Yeah. - Poof! 331 00:11:33,642 --> 00:11:35,662 Pretty big milestone. 332 00:11:35,686 --> 00:11:37,247 Are you, like, freaking out about 333 00:11:37,271 --> 00:11:38,373 where you're at in your life? 334 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,041 No, not... I mean, no, 335 00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:41,501 not really, I don't think. 336 00:11:41,525 --> 00:11:43,461 Should I? No. No! I'm not. 337 00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:46,882 Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday, 338 00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:48,132 like a cupcake or... 339 00:11:48,156 --> 00:11:50,051 You don't have to. 340 00:11:50,075 --> 00:11:52,304 But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing. 341 00:11:52,328 --> 00:11:53,972 Or if they have vanilla cake, 342 00:11:53,996 --> 00:11:55,807 I still would want chocolate icing. 343 00:11:55,831 --> 00:11:57,225 But if Funfetti is in the mix, of course... 344 00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:58,643 They just have corn muffins. 345 00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:00,312 Perfect. 346 00:12:00,336 --> 00:12:02,689 - It's your day. - Whoo! 347 00:12:02,713 --> 00:12:04,524 Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden 348 00:12:04,548 --> 00:12:05,901 and not Portsmouth, New Hampshire? 349 00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:07,319 I mean, we are important too. 350 00:12:07,343 --> 00:12:09,196 We built the Revolutionary War fleet. 351 00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,364 And we so appreciate that. 352 00:12:11,388 --> 00:12:13,700 You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call. 353 00:12:13,724 --> 00:12:15,952 Now, how we supposed to sync up on micro-theme? 354 00:12:15,976 --> 00:12:18,455 You never published another book of Debokus, 355 00:12:18,479 --> 00:12:21,291 and the regular sudokus are just too hard. 356 00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:22,667 I'm mad you left QVC. 357 00:12:22,691 --> 00:12:24,669 And I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier. 358 00:12:25,993 --> 00:12:27,005 Work it out. 359 00:12:27,029 --> 00:12:28,506 I miss Marcus. 360 00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,717 Damien never sends us locks of your hair. 361 00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:34,346 You didn't endorse a candidate 362 00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:37,349 in the presidential election, so I didn't vote. 363 00:12:37,373 --> 00:12:39,017 And now my kids won't talk to me. 364 00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:40,602 I sent you two suspicious packages 365 00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:43,188 and didn't even receive a cease-and-desist letter. 366 00:12:43,212 --> 00:12:44,215 You used to care. 367 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,241 OK, that's it! 368 00:12:45,266 --> 00:12:46,310 I need a break. 369 00:12:46,335 --> 00:12:47,442 10-minute break. 370 00:12:49,885 --> 00:12:52,239 These people are impossible to please. 371 00:12:52,263 --> 00:12:53,698 I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them 372 00:12:53,722 --> 00:12:55,367 every single moment of my life. 373 00:12:55,391 --> 00:12:56,701 Think of it this way. 374 00:12:56,725 --> 00:12:58,536 Today, you are being paid to be yelled at. 375 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,580 For some people, that's a kink. 376 00:13:03,399 --> 00:13:04,960 Oh, yeah. This is classic Gabby, yeah. 377 00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,420 Oh, she looks the exact same. 378 00:13:07,444 --> 00:13:08,880 Did you know it was actually the fans 379 00:13:08,904 --> 00:13:10,882 that saw Xena as a guest character on "Hercules," 380 00:13:10,906 --> 00:13:12,550 and they were so enthusiastic 381 00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,386 that they actually helped get the spin-off series made? 382 00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:17,055 Grassroots movements are always so inspiring. 383 00:13:17,079 --> 00:13:19,516 That is, until they turn bloodthirsty. 384 00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:20,850 - Next! - It's us. 385 00:13:20,874 --> 00:13:22,727 - Here we go. Here we go. - We paid. 386 00:13:22,751 --> 00:13:24,354 - Hi. I'm Renee. - Oh, I'm Renee... 387 00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:25,605 - um, you're Renee. - Yeah, I'm Renee. 388 00:13:25,629 --> 00:13:26,773 - You're Renee. - I am Renee. 389 00:13:26,797 --> 00:13:28,066 - I'm Jimmy. - You're Jimmy. 390 00:13:28,090 --> 00:13:29,442 - I am so starstruck. - It's OK. 391 00:13:29,466 --> 00:13:31,194 I'm so sorry. This is weird because... 392 00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:33,571 so, OK, I'm a manager in LA, so I never get starstruck. 393 00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:35,198 But I... I think that you are such a talent, and... 394 00:13:35,222 --> 00:13:36,449 Oh. 395 00:13:36,473 --> 00:13:37,951 The series meant so much to me. 396 00:13:37,975 --> 00:13:39,911 I was so lucky to be a part of that world. 397 00:13:39,935 --> 00:13:41,579 Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast? 398 00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,206 You know, they're really big right now, 399 00:13:43,230 --> 00:13:44,582 where you go through old episodes and discuss them? 400 00:13:44,606 --> 00:13:45,834 I don't think enough people 401 00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:47,085 want to hear me talk about that. 402 00:13:47,109 --> 00:13:48,169 - Girl, shut up! - Are you kidding? 403 00:13:48,193 --> 00:13:49,170 - We love the show! - No. 404 00:13:49,194 --> 00:13:50,463 We've watched it all. 405 00:13:50,487 --> 00:13:51,631 People would love that content. 406 00:13:51,655 --> 00:13:53,300 Like, the Hope storyline, you know? 407 00:13:53,324 --> 00:13:55,093 When did you realize your daughter was gonna be evil? 408 00:13:55,117 --> 00:13:57,137 Was it from the beginning, or did it slowly dawn on you? 409 00:13:57,161 --> 00:13:58,930 Well, her father was a wicked demigod, 410 00:13:58,954 --> 00:14:00,432 so it kind of tipped it off for me. 411 00:14:00,456 --> 00:14:01,766 Right. 412 00:14:01,790 --> 00:14:03,101 Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual? 413 00:14:03,125 --> 00:14:04,269 I was like, that's gonna come back. 414 00:14:04,293 --> 00:14:05,770 - It did. - Yeah. 415 00:14:05,794 --> 00:14:07,188 Do you mind if we get a photo? 416 00:14:07,212 --> 00:14:08,690 Of course. 417 00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:10,108 I'm sorry. I'm sweating. I'm... 418 00:14:10,132 --> 00:14:11,276 It's OK. 419 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,610 - Yay. - Ah! 420 00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,070 - Smile big! - Yay. Yay. 421 00:14:14,094 --> 00:14:15,780 Bigger! Ah, cuties! 422 00:14:15,804 --> 00:14:17,324 Not that big. Not that big. 423 00:14:17,348 --> 00:14:19,075 Split the difference. Split the difference. 424 00:14:19,099 --> 00:14:20,994 Maybe I should just start over and get all new fans. 425 00:14:21,018 --> 00:14:22,620 I mean, there are people born every day, right? 426 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:23,955 I gotta tell you, I mean, 427 00:14:23,979 --> 00:14:25,332 as someone who just got their first fan, 428 00:14:25,356 --> 00:14:26,791 you really need to cherish these moments. 429 00:14:26,815 --> 00:14:28,251 It's been 12 minutes, and I said 10. 430 00:14:28,275 --> 00:14:29,794 Oh! 431 00:14:29,818 --> 00:14:31,463 OK, hey, just try to keep it together. 432 00:14:31,487 --> 00:14:32,797 All right? 433 00:14:32,821 --> 00:14:34,424 No promises. 434 00:14:34,448 --> 00:14:35,674 OK. 435 00:14:36,617 --> 00:14:39,095 Hello. How can I do better for you? 436 00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:42,349 Oh, no. I just wanted to say thank you. 437 00:14:42,373 --> 00:14:44,017 Oh. 438 00:14:44,041 --> 00:14:45,852 You're... you're welcome. For what? 439 00:14:45,876 --> 00:14:47,854 Well, my mom and I have been, like, 440 00:14:47,878 --> 00:14:51,149 huge fans of yours ever since "Live Free or Diet," 441 00:14:51,173 --> 00:14:54,194 and we came to Vegas, and we saw you at the Palmetto. 442 00:14:54,218 --> 00:14:55,653 And then we were, like... 443 00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:58,323 Literally quoting your jokes for 10 hours 444 00:14:58,347 --> 00:15:00,492 the entire car ride home. 445 00:15:00,516 --> 00:15:02,327 It was, like, the best weekend. 446 00:15:02,351 --> 00:15:04,204 Oh, I'm so glad. Thank you. 447 00:15:04,228 --> 00:15:08,499 Anyway, we made you something to say thank you. 448 00:15:10,526 --> 00:15:12,670 It's you, Barry, and Cara. 449 00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,923 Wow. 450 00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:16,549 And we made this completely out of 451 00:15:16,573 --> 00:15:18,051 natural seeds and grains. 452 00:15:18,075 --> 00:15:19,677 29 types. 453 00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:22,180 - Whew! - We were sorting yellow peas 454 00:15:22,204 --> 00:15:24,057 for an entire winter just to nail 455 00:15:24,081 --> 00:15:26,476 your light honey blonde. 456 00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:27,685 It's gotten a little warped 457 00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:29,187 because we made it three years ago, 458 00:15:29,211 --> 00:15:31,064 but you haven't been to any of these, so we... 459 00:15:31,088 --> 00:15:33,899 we couldn't get it to you, but here you go. 460 00:15:36,593 --> 00:15:38,196 It's beautiful. 461 00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:40,323 It's beautiful. 462 00:15:40,347 --> 00:15:42,575 Is your mom here so I can thank her? 463 00:15:42,599 --> 00:15:44,661 Oh, no. 464 00:15:44,685 --> 00:15:47,579 She passed in May. 465 00:15:48,522 --> 00:15:50,292 I'm... I'm so sorry, honey. 466 00:15:50,345 --> 00:15:51,376 Thank you. 467 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,877 She would be so happy 468 00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:55,046 that I was finally able to get this to you. 469 00:15:55,070 --> 00:15:57,596 She really loved you. 470 00:15:58,656 --> 00:15:59,717 Thank you. 471 00:16:00,951 --> 00:16:02,387 Thank you. 472 00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:10,352 I... I need a minute. 473 00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,148 It... it's OK. 474 00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:15,065 Damien, it's OK. 475 00:16:19,303 --> 00:16:21,613 - Ugh. - Oh, man. 476 00:16:31,732 --> 00:16:34,043 Oh, yeah. Been there. 477 00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:36,796 It's carpal tunnel. You need one of these. 478 00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:38,256 No. It's not that. 479 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,134 It's... this. 480 00:16:41,158 --> 00:16:42,594 Ah. 481 00:16:42,618 --> 00:16:45,763 Fan art so ugly, it moves you to tears? 482 00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:47,265 Something like that. 483 00:16:47,289 --> 00:16:49,225 I once had a guy paint a portrait of me 484 00:16:49,249 --> 00:16:51,893 using a stamp pad and his anus. 485 00:16:53,170 --> 00:16:55,106 It's framed in my bathroom. 486 00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:56,483 No, it's not that it's ugly. 487 00:16:56,507 --> 00:16:58,943 I mean, it is. 488 00:16:58,967 --> 00:17:01,154 But it's just that this... 489 00:17:01,178 --> 00:17:04,490 this woman and her mother 490 00:17:04,514 --> 00:17:07,326 spent months of their lives making this. 491 00:17:07,350 --> 00:17:09,286 Oh, yeah, but so what? 492 00:17:09,310 --> 00:17:11,038 They love doing it. 493 00:17:11,062 --> 00:17:13,833 They support us, we show up for them. 494 00:17:13,857 --> 00:17:16,460 That's the frickin' deal, mama. 495 00:17:16,484 --> 00:17:18,129 Well, that's the thing. 496 00:17:18,153 --> 00:17:20,381 I haven't been showing up for them. 497 00:17:20,405 --> 00:17:23,468 And they're very mad at me for it. 498 00:17:23,492 --> 00:17:25,343 They'll forgive you. 499 00:17:26,328 --> 00:17:28,473 I don't deserve it. 500 00:17:28,497 --> 00:17:30,141 I just came here to exploit them 501 00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:31,601 because I need their help. 502 00:17:31,625 --> 00:17:33,520 Ah. 503 00:17:33,544 --> 00:17:37,357 Well, just tell them what you need. 504 00:17:37,381 --> 00:17:39,651 They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you 505 00:17:39,675 --> 00:17:42,153 and that you need them more than anyone else, 506 00:17:42,177 --> 00:17:44,781 and it sounds like you might. 507 00:17:44,805 --> 00:17:48,117 The truth will set you free, baby doll. 508 00:17:48,141 --> 00:17:49,785 That's all they want. 509 00:17:54,565 --> 00:17:56,584 That, and a T-shirt 510 00:17:56,608 --> 00:17:59,503 that only some people are allowed to get. 511 00:18:14,710 --> 00:18:16,437 Um, Little... Little Debbies. 512 00:18:16,461 --> 00:18:19,398 Uh... uh, I have news. 513 00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:22,860 Madison Square Garden won't give me a date 514 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,737 because they say I'm not big enough to play it. 515 00:18:24,761 --> 00:18:26,072 What? 516 00:18:26,096 --> 00:18:30,034 So I came here to get you 517 00:18:30,058 --> 00:18:32,203 to rally for me, 518 00:18:32,227 --> 00:18:34,372 which is unfair, 519 00:18:34,396 --> 00:18:37,542 because you're right. 520 00:18:37,566 --> 00:18:39,334 I have neglected you. 521 00:18:40,527 --> 00:18:44,173 And I am so sorry. 522 00:18:44,197 --> 00:18:45,550 Hold on, they're saying 523 00:18:45,574 --> 00:18:47,385 you're not big enough to play MSG? 524 00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:48,678 Fuck that! 525 00:18:48,702 --> 00:18:50,847 The Garden would be lucky to have you. 526 00:18:50,871 --> 00:18:52,724 - Yeah! - Thank you. 527 00:18:52,748 --> 00:18:55,685 Well, in time, I hope that I can regain your trust. 528 00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:58,104 They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do! 529 00:18:58,128 --> 00:18:59,897 - That's our job! - Yeah 530 00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,941 You're the greatest comedian of all time. 531 00:19:01,965 --> 00:19:03,067 - Yes! - Yeah! 532 00:19:03,091 --> 00:19:04,736 So the Knicks can play MSG, 533 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,571 but not Deborah Vance? 534 00:19:06,595 --> 00:19:08,489 - Misogynistic bullshit! - Yes! 535 00:19:08,513 --> 00:19:10,491 I don't care if you are a lizard. 536 00:19:10,515 --> 00:19:12,327 You deserve to play MSG! 537 00:19:13,810 --> 00:19:15,246 As president of the Little Debbies 538 00:19:15,270 --> 00:19:17,582 Tucson chapter, this will not stand. 539 00:19:17,606 --> 00:19:19,250 Wait, sorry, sorry. 540 00:19:19,274 --> 00:19:21,085 I thought you were my fan. 541 00:19:21,109 --> 00:19:22,754 What are you talking about? That's Cindy. 542 00:19:22,778 --> 00:19:24,172 She's a third-generation Little Debbie. 543 00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:25,423 That's right. 544 00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:27,050 I'm here for Deborah. 545 00:19:27,074 --> 00:19:28,885 I just wanted to replace you and write for her, 546 00:19:28,909 --> 00:19:30,428 you stupid bitch! 547 00:19:30,452 --> 00:19:32,055 Oh, my God. 548 00:19:32,079 --> 00:19:33,389 Well... 549 00:19:33,413 --> 00:19:34,891 So you didn't like any of my tweets? 550 00:19:34,915 --> 00:19:36,976 They're not jokes. They're thought poems! 551 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,394 OK. 552 00:19:38,418 --> 00:19:40,271 Deborah, who do we talk to about this? 553 00:19:40,295 --> 00:19:41,606 - Yeah. - Yeah. 554 00:19:41,630 --> 00:19:46,486 AmandaWeinberg@ msg-entertainment.com, 555 00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:51,324 1 Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H. 556 00:19:51,348 --> 00:19:54,077 Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue. 557 00:19:54,101 --> 00:19:55,620 That's a promise. 558 00:19:55,644 --> 00:19:57,330 Yeah, well, if you can do that, 559 00:19:57,354 --> 00:20:00,667 I'm making the tickets $20, so you all can come! 560 00:20:00,691 --> 00:20:02,460 And you know what? 561 00:20:02,484 --> 00:20:03,961 I'm bringing back Deborah Plus. 562 00:20:05,153 --> 00:20:06,339 And you know what else? 563 00:20:06,363 --> 00:20:07,799 This year's Christmas theme 564 00:20:07,823 --> 00:20:09,842 is fuchsia and cherry... 565 00:20:09,866 --> 00:20:12,178 the 1997 redux! 566 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,018 Deborah, Deborah, Deborah! 567 00:20:19,042 --> 00:20:20,436 Good, actually... I didn't think it would be, 568 00:20:20,460 --> 00:20:21,813 - but the macchiato... why? - Made me sick. 569 00:20:21,837 --> 00:20:23,356 - Jimmy. - The macchiato is really good. 570 00:20:23,380 --> 00:20:24,982 - Jimmy! Jimmy! - Oh, Renee. 571 00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,484 - Hey. - Yeah. 572 00:20:26,508 --> 00:20:28,361 You know, I want to thank you for your advice. 573 00:20:28,385 --> 00:20:29,821 I reached out to Lucy, 574 00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:32,198 and she loves the "Xena" rewatch podcast idea. 575 00:20:32,222 --> 00:20:34,325 - Lucy Lawless knows my idea? - Yeah. 576 00:20:34,349 --> 00:20:35,618 Well, you know, it's really nice 577 00:20:35,642 --> 00:20:36,786 to talk about business with someone 578 00:20:36,810 --> 00:20:38,454 who is familiar with my work. 579 00:20:38,478 --> 00:20:40,665 I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, 580 00:20:40,689 --> 00:20:42,208 much less actually watch the whole show. 581 00:20:42,232 --> 00:20:43,501 - What? People... - Pathetic. 582 00:20:43,525 --> 00:20:44,711 People are insane. People are sick. 583 00:20:44,735 --> 00:20:45,878 People are sick. I don't get it. 584 00:20:45,902 --> 00:20:47,672 - Sick people. - Pieces of shit. 585 00:20:47,696 --> 00:20:49,841 I'm sure your roster is crowded, but, um, 586 00:20:49,865 --> 00:20:52,552 would you ever consider representing me? 587 00:20:52,576 --> 00:20:54,303 - Us? - Yes! 588 00:20:54,327 --> 00:20:55,680 - Absolutely. - All right. 589 00:20:55,704 --> 00:20:57,306 Well, then, I mean, 590 00:20:57,330 --> 00:20:58,683 I probably should give you, you know, 591 00:20:58,707 --> 00:21:00,268 10% of what I made today. 592 00:21:00,292 --> 00:21:01,853 No, no, no, that's not necessary, but thank you. 593 00:21:01,877 --> 00:21:03,396 Are you OK with hundreds? 594 00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:04,939 - Uh... - Yes! 595 00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:06,023 - Love them. I will take those. - We are. We are. 596 00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:07,525 - Thank you. - Wow. 597 00:21:07,549 --> 00:21:08,860 - No, this is... this is... - Could use the money. 598 00:21:08,884 --> 00:21:10,403 OK, well, this was amazing. 599 00:21:10,427 --> 00:21:12,601 Consider yourself a client of Schaefer & LuSaque. 600 00:21:12,626 --> 00:21:13,698 Yeah, let me put you on an email 601 00:21:13,722 --> 00:21:15,199 with Lucy and I next week? 602 00:21:15,223 --> 00:21:16,617 When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner. 603 00:21:16,641 --> 00:21:18,369 - You like Greek? - I love Greek. 604 00:21:18,393 --> 00:21:20,246 I don't eat octopus, though, anymore. 605 00:21:20,270 --> 00:21:22,206 - They're too intelligent. - That's right. 606 00:21:26,568 --> 00:21:29,103 Erik Estrada looked amazing. 607 00:21:29,128 --> 00:21:30,130 Surprise! 608 00:21:31,239 --> 00:21:32,717 Oh, my God. 609 00:21:34,242 --> 00:21:35,887 Oh, my God. 610 00:21:35,911 --> 00:21:37,013 What a surprise. 611 00:21:37,037 --> 00:21:39,724 This is crazy! 612 00:21:39,748 --> 00:21:41,225 We love you, girl. 613 00:21:41,249 --> 00:21:42,852 - Thank you. - Ah. 614 00:21:42,876 --> 00:21:44,729 Happy birthday, love. 615 00:21:46,630 --> 00:21:48,399 - Hi, Mom. - Happy birthday, honey. 616 00:21:48,423 --> 00:21:49,734 Look who's here. 617 00:21:49,758 --> 00:21:51,277 Oh, wow. Hi! 618 00:21:51,301 --> 00:21:52,737 - Hi! - Jenny Reagan. 619 00:21:52,761 --> 00:21:54,071 It's me. Yup, hey. 620 00:21:54,095 --> 00:21:56,199 How are you? Nice to see you. 621 00:21:56,223 --> 00:21:57,617 Hi. It's so nice to see you. 622 00:21:57,641 --> 00:21:59,243 - Uh-huh. - It's been forever. 623 00:21:59,267 --> 00:22:01,621 - Eighth grade graduation. - How could I forget? 624 00:22:01,645 --> 00:22:03,706 Yeah, when Deborah called, I told her how inseparable 625 00:22:03,730 --> 00:22:06,250 you two were and how it would mean the world to you 626 00:22:06,274 --> 00:22:07,960 to be together on your 30th. 627 00:22:07,984 --> 00:22:09,420 - So here we all are. - Absolutely. 628 00:22:09,444 --> 00:22:11,088 - Yup, yup, yup. - How are you? 629 00:22:11,112 --> 00:22:12,131 - Look at you two. - Amazing. 630 00:22:12,155 --> 00:22:13,257 - Yeah. - Yeah. 631 00:22:13,281 --> 00:22:14,509 I married Greg Holland. 632 00:22:14,533 --> 00:22:16,260 Remember him? 633 00:22:16,284 --> 00:22:17,428 Um... 634 00:22:17,452 --> 00:22:18,679 He ran through a glass door. 635 00:22:18,703 --> 00:22:19,972 His cousin drowned in the quarry. 636 00:22:19,996 --> 00:22:21,349 Oh, yes, Greg! 637 00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:22,433 He used to put girls in his hockey bag. 638 00:22:22,457 --> 00:22:23,643 Him. Anyway, 639 00:22:23,667 --> 00:22:24,702 we have four kids under six. 640 00:22:24,726 --> 00:22:25,812 - Whoa! - Yep. 641 00:22:25,836 --> 00:22:26,979 - Whoa! - Yep, all natural. 642 00:22:27,003 --> 00:22:28,731 Oh, my... good for you. 643 00:22:28,755 --> 00:22:30,316 Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here. 644 00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:31,692 - Yeah, I bet. - Oh, I should tell you, 645 00:22:31,716 --> 00:22:32,777 Mr. Murch just died. 646 00:22:32,801 --> 00:22:33,986 Oh, that's so sad. 647 00:22:34,010 --> 00:22:35,071 No, it's not. 648 00:22:35,095 --> 00:22:36,113 He was a pedophile, 649 00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:37,781 convicted multiple times over. 650 00:22:39,307 --> 00:22:40,451 - Let's party! - OK! 651 00:22:40,475 --> 00:22:41,577 Come on! 652 00:22:44,055 --> 00:22:45,081 Oh... 653 00:22:45,105 --> 00:22:46,624 Oh, my God! 654 00:22:46,648 --> 00:22:50,419 And we got just a few of your favorite things. 655 00:22:50,443 --> 00:22:52,255 The entire Jack in the Box menu. 656 00:22:52,279 --> 00:22:53,840 Cranberry kombucha. 657 00:22:53,864 --> 00:22:55,842 Oh, yes, cupcakes from a queer bakery. 658 00:22:55,866 --> 00:22:57,093 Oh. 659 00:22:57,117 --> 00:22:58,135 - And of course... - Oh, my God. 660 00:22:58,159 --> 00:22:59,428 Bertucci's rolls 661 00:22:59,452 --> 00:23:01,305 and Papa Gino Papa Melts? 662 00:23:01,329 --> 00:23:02,640 I had them flown in this morning. 663 00:23:02,664 --> 00:23:04,058 I missed these rolls. 664 00:23:08,837 --> 00:23:10,731 The spray cleans the screen 665 00:23:10,755 --> 00:23:13,818 while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard. 666 00:23:13,842 --> 00:23:15,152 Thank you so much. 667 00:23:15,176 --> 00:23:17,048 - Please use it. - I will. Sorry. 668 00:23:18,096 --> 00:23:19,323 Ladies and gentlemen, 669 00:23:19,347 --> 00:23:21,409 we have one last surprise. 670 00:23:21,433 --> 00:23:25,413 Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney. 671 00:23:27,898 --> 00:23:29,332 Yes, bitch! 672 00:23:31,192 --> 00:23:33,212 This one goes out to the most special girl 673 00:23:33,236 --> 00:23:35,339 in the world... you know who you are. 674 00:23:35,363 --> 00:23:38,134 - It... it's me. - Happy birthday. 675 00:23:38,158 --> 00:23:39,844 I wrote about this in my middle school journal, 676 00:23:39,868 --> 00:23:41,304 and it's... it's coming true. 677 00:23:41,328 --> 00:23:43,681 I know! I... I read your journals. 678 00:23:43,705 --> 00:23:46,017 That's why... that's why he's here. 679 00:24:38,468 --> 00:24:40,613 OK, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow. 680 00:24:40,637 --> 00:24:42,615 You can ball your own cantaloupe. 681 00:24:42,639 --> 00:24:44,367 - Good night. - Good night! 682 00:24:44,391 --> 00:24:45,576 Well, you know what? 683 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:46,911 I... I'm gonna say good night now too. 684 00:24:46,935 --> 00:24:48,871 I have a 4:15 a.m. flight 685 00:24:48,895 --> 00:24:50,456 to Papeete to see my boyfriend 686 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,792 in the Senior World Windsurfing Competition. 687 00:24:52,816 --> 00:24:54,208 I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend? 688 00:24:54,233 --> 00:24:55,252 Well, I emailed you about him. 689 00:24:55,276 --> 00:24:56,420 I emailed her. 690 00:24:56,444 --> 00:24:58,047 Uh, no, I don't think you did. 691 00:24:58,071 --> 00:24:59,632 Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava. 692 00:24:59,656 --> 00:25:02,134 And it's become physical, the first since your father. 693 00:25:02,158 --> 00:25:04,303 Well, depends what you count. 694 00:25:04,327 --> 00:25:05,707 Oh, God. 695 00:25:05,732 --> 00:25:06,764 - Uh, well, I love you. - OK. 696 00:25:06,788 --> 00:25:08,015 - Bye. - Mwah. 697 00:25:08,039 --> 00:25:09,266 - Mwah. Good night. - Love you. 698 00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:10,309 Good night. Bye. 699 00:25:10,333 --> 00:25:11,519 Awesome. 700 00:25:13,128 --> 00:25:14,438 Well... 701 00:25:14,462 --> 00:25:15,481 Oh, my God. 702 00:25:15,505 --> 00:25:16,941 That was a successful party. 703 00:25:16,965 --> 00:25:18,442 Yeah. 704 00:25:18,466 --> 00:25:21,779 You had so many friends who showed up for you. 705 00:25:21,803 --> 00:25:23,280 And that Jenny, you know, 706 00:25:23,304 --> 00:25:24,782 the one who drank vodka 707 00:25:24,806 --> 00:25:26,993 out of one of my really nice wine glasses? 708 00:25:27,017 --> 00:25:29,996 Yes, Jenny Reagan, the girl I only befriended 709 00:25:30,020 --> 00:25:31,789 so that I could play with her hermit crabs. 710 00:25:31,813 --> 00:25:33,124 And then she stopped being my friend 711 00:25:33,148 --> 00:25:34,709 when she got her period before me. 712 00:25:36,151 --> 00:25:37,628 Oh, well... 713 00:25:37,652 --> 00:25:39,130 - friend's a friend. - Yeah. 714 00:25:39,154 --> 00:25:41,089 And you had a lot of them here. 715 00:25:44,784 --> 00:25:46,637 Deborah, 716 00:25:46,661 --> 00:25:48,347 did you only throw me this party 'cause you feel bad 717 00:25:48,371 --> 00:25:50,599 about what you said on the boat in Singapore? 718 00:25:50,623 --> 00:25:52,935 No. 719 00:25:52,959 --> 00:25:54,603 I mean, it's your birthday! 720 00:25:54,627 --> 00:25:56,147 You deserve a party, a birthday party. 721 00:25:56,171 --> 00:25:57,481 Wow. 722 00:25:57,505 --> 00:25:58,607 Did you ever hear of one of those? 723 00:25:58,631 --> 00:26:00,317 Guilt looks good on you. 724 00:26:00,341 --> 00:26:03,320 Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that. 725 00:26:03,344 --> 00:26:05,823 You're not wrong. 726 00:26:05,847 --> 00:26:08,283 You are my only friend. 727 00:26:09,392 --> 00:26:11,412 What hurt me was that you said it was weird, 728 00:26:11,436 --> 00:26:12,871 'cause I don't think it is. 729 00:26:15,190 --> 00:26:18,377 You know, I think you're... you're the reason that I... 730 00:26:18,401 --> 00:26:20,921 haven't been there for the Little Debbies. 731 00:26:20,945 --> 00:26:24,008 You know, I... I used to spend so much time with my fans, 732 00:26:24,032 --> 00:26:26,594 but it wasn't for them. 733 00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:28,929 It was for me. 734 00:26:28,953 --> 00:26:31,514 I... I mean, they were my friends. 735 00:26:32,957 --> 00:26:34,894 Because I never really had any. 736 00:26:34,918 --> 00:26:37,396 Yes, you did. You had friends. 737 00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:39,161 You've always had friends. You have tons of friends. 738 00:26:39,185 --> 00:26:40,191 No. 739 00:26:40,215 --> 00:26:43,986 I was popular... 740 00:26:44,010 --> 00:26:47,030 but I never had a... a best friend. 741 00:26:49,057 --> 00:26:51,077 Well, I mean, you know, my... 742 00:26:51,101 --> 00:26:55,206 my sister, you know, we know how that went. 743 00:26:55,230 --> 00:26:58,417 So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies, 744 00:26:58,441 --> 00:27:01,420 and it was as much for me 745 00:27:01,444 --> 00:27:03,171 as it was for them. 746 00:27:04,447 --> 00:27:06,007 But then I met you. 747 00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:12,556 And I didn't need them so much anymore. 748 00:27:12,580 --> 00:27:15,559 Well, makes sense. 749 00:27:15,583 --> 00:27:17,602 I'm your number one fan. 750 00:27:19,295 --> 00:27:21,273 Hey. Oh, oh, oh. 751 00:27:21,297 --> 00:27:23,609 Oh, you've got 50 minutes left on your birthday. 752 00:27:23,633 --> 00:27:25,111 What do you want to do? 753 00:27:25,135 --> 00:27:27,570 Hmm. 754 00:27:28,346 --> 00:27:29,907 Oh. 755 00:27:32,433 --> 00:27:34,745 And that's my new phone background. 756 00:27:34,769 --> 00:27:37,378 Ooh! Someone's smoking the cheech. 757 00:27:37,403 --> 00:27:38,415 P-U! 758 00:27:38,439 --> 00:27:39,750 You're still here. 759 00:27:39,774 --> 00:27:41,460 Oh, yeah. 760 00:27:41,484 --> 00:27:43,504 I just fucked Jesse McCartney. 761 00:27:43,528 --> 00:27:45,089 - What? - Yeah! 762 00:27:45,113 --> 00:27:46,549 You cheated on Greg? 763 00:27:46,573 --> 00:27:48,300 OK, you don't know our arrangement. 764 00:27:48,324 --> 00:27:50,219 Wow, OK. Are you open? 765 00:27:50,243 --> 00:27:51,804 No. 766 00:27:51,828 --> 00:27:54,098 Hey, you mind if I rinse off in your swimming pool? 767 00:27:54,122 --> 00:27:55,724 I don't want to get a UTI. 768 00:27:55,748 --> 00:27:56,976 - Sure. - Wonderful. 769 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,145 Thank you. 770 00:27:59,169 --> 00:28:00,813 Wow, lot of salt and pepper shakers. 771 00:28:00,837 --> 00:28:03,232 Think you got enough? 772 00:28:03,256 --> 00:28:04,984 - Sorry about that. - Oh, here. 773 00:28:05,008 --> 00:28:07,110 - Try this. - Mm. 774 00:28:08,136 --> 00:28:09,446 What is it? 775 00:28:09,470 --> 00:28:11,824 It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter. 776 00:28:11,848 --> 00:28:13,325 I want to include a fat-free recipe 777 00:28:13,349 --> 00:28:15,411 - in my newsletter tomorrow. - Mmm. 778 00:28:15,435 --> 00:28:16,871 'Cause my Little Debbies are gonna need 779 00:28:16,895 --> 00:28:18,581 all the energy they can get. 780 00:28:19,856 --> 00:28:21,125 Absolutely. 781 00:28:21,149 --> 00:28:22,459 I was gonna say get out of my head 782 00:28:22,483 --> 00:28:24,920 because when he... when he took the OLSAT... 783 00:28:30,658 --> 00:28:33,345 Katie's remains were never recovered from that creek. 784 00:28:33,369 --> 00:28:35,139 Atticus! 785 00:28:35,163 --> 00:28:36,891 Put your shoes on, honey! We're late! 786 00:28:36,915 --> 00:28:38,017 This episode of "Murder My Stupid Ass Please" 787 00:28:38,041 --> 00:28:39,935 is sponsored by Deb for MSG. 788 00:28:39,959 --> 00:28:41,979 Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition. 789 00:28:42,003 --> 00:28:43,480 Amanda? 790 00:28:51,679 --> 00:28:53,365 Oh, good. This is all for you. 791 00:28:53,389 --> 00:28:54,658 What? 792 00:28:56,851 --> 00:28:58,371 Oh, my God, they found my home address. 793 00:28:59,854 --> 00:29:01,665 No, I... I don't want anything to do with this. 794 00:29:01,689 --> 00:29:03,500 Return to sender! 795 00:29:03,524 --> 00:29:05,836 Except for the Old Navy. 796 00:29:05,860 --> 00:29:07,171 I got three other bags. 797 00:29:07,195 --> 00:29:09,006 I am being stalked and harassed! 798 00:29:09,030 --> 00:29:11,133 Return to sender, gracias! 799 00:29:20,083 --> 00:29:21,468 Hello? 800 00:29:22,543 --> 00:29:24,021 Who's there? 801 00:29:25,713 --> 00:29:27,358 Deb for MSG! 802 00:29:27,382 --> 00:29:29,235 - There she is! - Get her! 803 00:29:29,259 --> 00:29:30,778 Deb for MSG! 804 00:29:30,802 --> 00:29:32,112 Out of my way! 805 00:29:32,136 --> 00:29:34,031 Out of my way! 806 00:29:35,288 --> 00:29:36,325 Bitch! 807 00:29:36,349 --> 00:29:37,534 Deb for MSG! 808 00:29:37,558 --> 00:29:39,286 I understand many of you 809 00:29:39,310 --> 00:29:41,288 have been waiting for me to speak on this. 810 00:29:41,312 --> 00:29:42,623 So hear me now. 811 00:29:42,647 --> 00:29:45,876 I am not a lizard. 812 00:29:45,900 --> 00:29:48,671 And I know that is something a lizard would say. 813 00:29:48,695 --> 00:29:50,339 However... 814 00:29:50,363 --> 00:29:51,590 That was really, really believable, though. 815 00:29:51,614 --> 00:29:53,008 - Yeah? Thanks. - Yeah. 816 00:29:53,032 --> 00:29:54,051 - Loved it. - Hello? 817 00:29:54,075 --> 00:29:57,054 The harassment has got to stop. 818 00:29:57,078 --> 00:29:59,515 Still don't think it's a good idea, 819 00:29:59,539 --> 00:30:01,725 but I'm giving you a date at the Garden. 820 00:30:01,749 --> 00:30:03,060 Oh... oh, OK. 821 00:30:03,084 --> 00:30:04,728 Wow. That... that's fantastic. 822 00:30:04,752 --> 00:30:06,020 Yeah, great. 823 00:30:06,045 --> 00:30:07,064 Thanks, Amanda. 824 00:30:07,088 --> 00:30:08,523 We'll talk real soon. 825 00:30:11,259 --> 00:30:12,569 We're going to MSG. 826 00:30:12,593 --> 00:30:14,196 Yes! 827 00:30:14,220 --> 00:30:15,364 When? 828 00:30:15,388 --> 00:30:16,615 September 11. 829 00:30:16,639 --> 00:30:18,033 9/11? 830 00:30:18,057 --> 00:30:19,576 It was the only date available. 831 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:21,328 Great! 832 00:30:21,352 --> 00:30:24,081 Here we go! Ow, that hurt! 833 00:30:24,105 --> 00:30:26,083 God, it's like high-fiving the Hulk! 834 00:30:26,107 --> 00:30:27,918 You're... 835 00:30:30,236 --> 00:30:34,756 sync & corrections awaqeded www.addic7ed.com