- Two spades. - Three hearts.
It's all yours.
I'm void.
And that's five.
And that's six. Not bad.
On a slam contract, you normally wanna play your winners early.
- Sorry, Daddy. - You're learning. You're doing fine.
Connie Gilman's a good player. And a widow.
I should take her out because she can play bridge.
You're a true romantic.
You should ask somebody out. You think Cecile's not dating yet?
Cecile was dating before she left.
Oh, shut up, Marv.
Nope. I have a partner and she's doing great.
Amy should be out having fun.
- I'm having fun. - Yeah.
Look like you're having the time of your life.
One no trump.
I-I'm just a little nauseous. I think I ate too much.
- Can we take a break? - Of course. Excuse us.
- What did you eat? - Nothing weird.
- Have you been drinking? - No, Dad, you know...
Because I don't mind if you...
Dad?
Dad? What are you doing?
You're scaring me! It hurts! Let go!
What are you doing?
Henry!
Henry, let go of her!
The occasional drink doesn't bother me, but...
- What? - Are you okay?
What's the matter?
You had what's called an absence seizure.
Anything like that happen to you before?
No, nothing.
He's been really healthy. He jogs, he eats right, he...
Well, I did have a headache last Sunday.
And for the past two years I've been getting acid reflux a lot,
and I thought that antacids were all I needed.
Should I have come in sooner?
For acid reflux and a headache?
Well, I... You know, I hear the coffee downstairs is really good.
Could you get me a cup, honey?
Would you mind closing the blinds?
His right testicle was almost twice as big as his left.
- Cool. - It's probably testicular cancer.
No. That's impossible.
The symptoms all indicate...
The shoes aren't right.
Here's how testicular cancer would manifest itself.
First, the patient would get the exact symptoms that he's got.
Then Foreman would examine him.
Then he'd suspect testicular cancer
on account of the symptoms being so perfect.
Then he'd stick a needle in it, then he'd call a surgeon.
And while that guy operates, the rest of us would be out bowling.
And, since we're not wearing bowling shoes,
the disease obviously did not progress in that fashion.
LP showed some white cells. But his MRI's clean.
Sure. If you call a microabcess in his brain "clean."
What, you don't trust me?
Are you're talking about the left temporal lobe?
Neat, you can see through my hand.
- It's just a shadow. - Or it's an infection.
When guys have brain-crotch problems
it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.
Blood and urine were negative for syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia.
So treat him for all three, stat.
Negative means he doesn't have it.
No, negative means he probably doesn't have it,
which means he probably has cancer.
I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer.
They're perfect for lymphoma. Except Chase's, they're just goofy.
Lymphoma could cause infiltrates
in his reproductive organs and his brain.
If it's this advanced, he's dead no matter what we do.
So give him the STD meds and hope the tests were wrong.
Who's the lucky woman?
My wife.
No, I don't wanna know who gets the chocolates,
I wanna know who you're having the affair with.
He fell on his head as a child. Tragic.
Norwegian chocolate.
Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.
Some people bottle up their feelings, have them come out as physical pain.
Healthy human beings express feelings, such as affection, by giving gifts.
Gifts express guilt.
The more expensive the expression, the deeper the guilt.
That's a $12 box.
Either you haven't slept with her yet or she wasn't that good.
It's not all about sex, House.
Really? When did that change?
I wanna get Depo-Provera.
Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful,
the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited.
Yeah, but it would calm me down, right? If I get a high enough dose.
You mean "calm" as in a peaceful lake on a cool summer evening?
Or in the lesser-used meaning of nothing can ever bother you again
because life has absolutely no meaning.
High dose of Depo-Provera will chemically castrate you.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna get up to leave now.
I'm gonna walk to that door, turn the handle,
and then you're suddenly gonna decide that you have to tell me the truth.
I'm gonna have to turn around, come all the way back.
You see, the thing is, my leg hurts. Can we cut the walking out of the equation?
I love cows.
Any particular variety?
Guernseys? Holsteins?
Which are the black and white ones?
Oh, God.
I pass a farm on my way to school.
And they're so beautiful, they're so majestic, I dream about them.
Leather shoes, hamburgers. How could anybody do that to a cow?
Make love, not belts. That's beautiful.
- I haven't actually... - Relax.
This is something we doctors deal with all the time.
I'm gonna write you the name of a drug. You don't need a prescription.
And it looks just like Depo-Provera.
- But does it do the same thing? - Oh, God, no.
That stuff has all sorts of nasty side effects. It's real medicine.
No, this is all you need. Your frat buddies will be completely fooled.
You can tell them how appalled the doctor was.
Lots of laughs.
We think you may have a sexually transmitted disease.
No. It's not possible.
Sir, maybe we should speak in private?
Have you tested him for this?
The tests were negative.
Well, then it's not that. So, what else could it be?
Nothing good.
If you've been having sex you have to tell me.
I have not had sex since my divorce!
I didn't ask him to take the medicine. I asked you to give him the medicine.
- He hasn't had sex in over a year. - He's lying.
He knows what's at stake.
We should start treating him for lymphoma right away.
Maybe if we hit him hard and fast.
Wilson!
How long can you go without sex?
How long can you go without annoying people?
No, seriously. A week, a month?
I'm not having an affair!
I didn't say you were.
Not in this conversation. We're talking about a patient.
People have impulse control. We don't need sex.
Well, not like air. But as a biological imperative, sure we do.
There's two things we get stupid for: Money and sex.
And since money rarely enters the bloodstream...
Was his daughter in the room when you asked if he'd had sex?
I told him we could talk privately, he didn't care if she was there.
It's almost noon. The little girl would go to lunch.
As soon as she's out the door, you're gonna get paged. Then you page me.
Lunch is early, huh?
Hi. I'm Dr. House.
I hear you'd rather die than admit you had sex.
- Sorry. I couldn't tell my daughter. - Right. Because she's, what, 22?
I slept with her mom.
She probably knows that's happened already.
Roll over.
My wife had an affair. I forgave her.
She had another affair and I forgave her again.
Amy thinks I was an idiot.
So smart. You must be very proud. Roll over.
I assume you've been in love.
Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?
I'm starting you on a cocktail of STD meds.
Amy is just getting over it. She barely spoke to her mom for months
and if she thought that it was happening again,
that that's why I got sick...
We just happened to be
at the same Italian cheese-tasting thing.
Cheese is the devil's plaything.
It was just the one night.
You're obviously completely over her.
Amy thinks love leads you to make stupid choices.
You're certainly setting a good example for her.
Yeah. She just doesn't get it.
If you're not prepared to look stupid,
then nothing great is ever gonna happen, right?
On the other hand,
I guess your testicles aren't going to explode, either.
Dad.
Is everything okay?
I have a sexually transmitted disease.
How is that possible?
He met a woman in church.
Does she play bridge?
Does she...
Crash cart! Oh, God!
- Is this another seizure? - Shut up!
Coming in!
Oh, God!
Here you go.
Forty milligrams furosemide.
Knock him out.
It's in.
How would an STD do this?
It wouldn't.
It was flash pulmonary edema.
We took a liter of fluid off but the problem wasn't with his lungs.
It's his heart. There are vegetations obstructing his mitral valve.
It's not an STD. Lymphoma wouldn't erupt that suddenly.
So what is it then?
A disease that attacks his brain, heart and testicles.
- I think Byron wrote about that. - Could be psittacosis.
Chlamydia cultures would've come back positive.
Strep viridians can hit the heart.
Wouldn't mess with the reproductive system.
Maybe things aren't so nicely connected. He's 65.
We could be looking at multiple systems
just starting to break down independently.
Way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
He's had acid reflux for years, it can't be relevant.
Seems there are other ways to kill people besides having sex with them.
You don't need this so much.
Problem is not your lungs, it's your heart.
That Italian cheese thing at the church, what sort of cheese?
Why do you need to know?
I'm having a fondue party.
- Was it sheep cheese? - Might have been, why?
- Was it soft? - Yeah.
- Taste like crap? - Yeah, bitter.
Taste like this?
Yeah, but how did you...
That was regular low-fat American.
I added some bacteria for flavor.
You fed him bacteria?
It's pretty much on everything.
Especially the unpasteurized sheep cheese they make in the Alps.
That stuff will give you brucellosis.
Key to a long life: Exotic women and boring cheese.
I'm gonna start you on rifampin and doxycycline.
Doesn't make any sense.
I mean, nobody else at the church got sick.
99.9% of Christians have so much acid in their stomach,
they become churning cauldrons of death
for all those nasty little brucellosis bugs.
But you were taking antacids for your acid reflux.
So that turns your digestive tract
into a pleasant scenic river for all those bacterial tourists.
You sure you're right?
Absolutely. Your socks don't match.
Which means you got up and got dressed in the dark,
which means you don't wanna wake your wife,
which means you don't wanna talk to her, which means...
I was referring to your patient.
Oh, that.
No. Come on, I'm basing it on cheese.
How long before you get the tests back?
Well, we'll know before that.
If I'm wrong, he'll just keep getting worse and slowly die.
And if I'm right, either we caught it in time and he gets better,
or we didn't, and he goes into cardiac arrest at any moment.
Paddles!
Charging. Two-fifty. Clear!
Charging! Three hundred! Clear!
Charging! Three-sixty! Clear!
Epinephrine.
- You gonna tell her? - That you suspect an affair?
Sure. Well, she already hates you, why not?
Because you think getting it off your chest will let you sleep better.
It won't. You'll end up sleeping on my lumpy couch.
There's nothing to tell.
Why are you playing foosball here at 8:00 at night?
You always wanna simplify everything.
Boil it down to nice, easy equations. Nice, easy answers.
Go home and have sex with your wife.
His heart is back in sinus rhythm. There's a lot of damage, though.
It was brucellosis, but we got to it too late.
The vegetation broke off in his main coronary artery
and caused an infarction.
His heart muscle's half dead. He'll be lucky to last a week.
Other than that, how's he doing?
Seriously.
His brain, testicle, lungs, tonsils, how's all that other stuff doing?
His brain is clear now and so is the genito-urinary tract
and his kidney function is good.
So, all he needs is a heart and he's out of here.
He's a prime candidate for transplant.
Doesn't smoke, drinks moderately.
His tox screen was negative for illegal drugs and legal ones.
Surveillance blood cultures show absolutely no sign
of any lingering brucella bacteria.
He's 66 years old.
He told me he was 65.
Liar. I'm out of here.
There is an inverse correlation between patient age and success rates.
He's in excellent health.
This was his first hospitalization since breaking his leg at 23.
Or 22, I'm not sure anymore.
If this patient were to survive the operation,
he'd get another, what,
five, 10, maybe 20 years if he's very lucky?
So you're saying that old people aren't as worth saving as young people?
He's saying that hearts are a scarce resource.
- We have to choose criteria... - No, I get it.
Women live longer, so they should get preference, right?
And African-Americans, they die a lot younger,
so to hell with them.
What, you think you're gonna win me over by calling me a racist?
If the test is who gets to use it the longest,
you can either be a racist or a hypocrite.
Your patient had a life, a family.
We've got 18-year-old kids who...
How old are you, Doctor?
When do we get to toss you on an ice floe?
And thank you, Dr. House.
Unless anybody else has any further questions,
we will now go into private session.
Oh, I'm on pins and needles. I wonder how you'll decide.
The Nets just won their third game in a row, beat the Lakers.
I'm sorry.
They voted no.
So,
when
will I die?
You might have a week.
I wrote a letter to the Board of Directors
appealing the transplant committee's decision.
I'm alleging bias against you clouded their medical judgment.
- I need you to sign. - They made the right call.
You don't believe that. You told the committee...
I was advocating for my patient.
Then why are you...
Advocating for my patient.
I've got that clinic duty.
I need you to get me the files on everybody who dies here today.
You really think this thing will change their decision?
Nope.
I think I broke my ankle.
I was kicked. By a hoof.
I'm so in love. She was so beautiful.
Which one? One of the black and white ones,
- I'm not sure what type... - Not which type, which one?
I want a name.
- Why would it have a name? - Not "it."She." Or "he."
I wanna know her dreams, her hopes.
It's a cow.
Hey, I'm not the one who said he was in love.
People who actually have this condition rationalize it.
They dismiss it, they don't elevate it to the level of poetry.
Plus there's a wooden splinter in there.
So, either you hit yourself with a two-by-four,
or Elsie has a peg leg.
I'm off duty at 6:00.
Give yourself another whack, come back and scam somebody else.
I'm sick! And you're a doctor, you have a duty to help me.
Technically, I don't have to treat anybody
before running a series of painful and often humiliating tests.
Whatever you need.
90-year-old woman died of pneumonia.
Unless she has a bionic heart, what's next?
Baby died in the ICU...
Babies are useless. They got hearts the size of ping-pong balls. Next.
A 40-year-old male.
- Yes? - Heart attack.
If you really cared about me, you'd find me a better corpse.
There's no other deaths. There's one woman who was in a car accident.
Bad one, I hope.
The organ procurement people have been notified.
Give me her file.
It's in the ER, they're still working on her.
Age? About 40.
Young, damn.
Young is good.
Smoker? Don't know.
- Find out. - She's still alive.
Even if we get on the list, we can't go near her...
Overweight?
She's on the hefty side.
Excellent. Our odds just went up.
What odds? What is this?
60% of potential donor hearts get tossed in the trash
because there's something wrong with them.
With fat people, it's closer to 80.
But if her heart's no good, then...
Big fat, sloppy heart beats no heart at all.
- Are you Mr. Neuberger? - Yes.
I'm Dr. House. I need to ask you a few questions about your wife.
Is she gonna be okay?
I'm afraid I don't know that.
Could you tell me about her accident?
They think she fell asleep, went off the road. That's all they told me.
Any problems with her health up until now?
Why?
Please, it's important.
She had a fever today, but otherwise she was...
- How high? - About 101.
She hasn't missed a day of teaching in years.
And I should've made her stay home.
Any other symptoms?
A stomachache. Who cares? She was in a car crash!
- Mr. Neuberger? Yeah? - My name's Ellen Stambler.
I'm the organ procurement coordinator for southern New Jersey.
I just want to assure you that we'll treat her organs with care and dignity.
Her organs?
Laura died?
I'm sorry, I thought...
She was just pronounced dead.
I thought he was telling you.
I didn't know.
You should never make assumptions.
What did you want from me?
I'm sorry for your loss.
But I need your wife's heart.
The organ procurement coordinator just left the hospital.
Means we got lucky. Either that or she's getting lunch.
Dead woman's last name have a "U" or a "W"?
You're hacking into a confidential patient file?
Is that a problem for you?
It's a "U". N-E-U.
Berger.
Three minutes ago, her organs were officially declared "not viable."
Time to go dumpster diving.
Hey!
She's got Hepatitis C. Her ALTs are three times normal.
With Henry's immune system down, an infected heart will kill him.
Fortunately, she didn't have Hep C.
- She tested positive. - Her history says otherwise.
Her husband told me she was running a fever with stomach pains,
not symptomatic of Hep C.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Hey, what are you doing?
Again, sorry.
But we need to talk.
Mr. Neuberger has every right to take his wife off the ventilator.
His wife signed an organ donor card.
Which became invalid when her organs were turned down.
I can use them! I just need some time.
Committee says they won't take her heart.
Another committee says a guy can't have a heart.
It's a marriage made in heaven.
I could find a surgical team that can do this,
classify it as experimental. It's not gonna screw with their numbers.
This is what she wanted. She wanted her organs to help other...
She never wanted to be kept alive on a ventilator!
She's not, she's dead!
She's not in pain, she's not suffering,
it's just her meat we're dealing with here.
- This is my wife. - Not anymore.
She deserves some respect, some dignity.
- I respect the living. - Right!
That is why you made me think that you were her doctor,
made me believe that maybe there was some hope.
- I never said that I was her doctor. - Fine! You didn't lie,
but you sure as hell didn't give me any respect.
I'm taking her off the machines. Now.
Nicely played.
It's not over.
Excuse me. Are you Mr. Neuberger?
Yeah, why?
I'm Amy Arrington.
I wanted to thank you.
This girl's father will die by next weekend
unless he gets your wife's heart.
House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
No. It's hugely manipulative.
You're an ass.
Hey, listen! You take your wife off life support
and I'll have forgotten about this in two weeks.
Gail here, on the other hand...
- Amy. - Whatever.
You're mad at me. Fine, I get that. Take it out on me, not on her.
Fine. Your dad can have her heart.
Fever, stomach pain, raised liver enzymes.
She's sick.
Worse than that, she's dead.
My point is, even if it's not Hep C, it's something.
They turned her down as a donor
because if we put that heart into someone, they won't survive.
Whatever made her sick will kill him!
Yeah. So what is it?
The enzymes indicate...
You want us to do a differential diagnosis on a dead person?
We're going to cure her.
We're going to cure death?
Doubt it.
Just wanna get the infection out of her heart
before we get the heart out of her.
The fever indicates an infection.
She probably has Hep C and a bad case of the flu.
Let's assume, just for fun,
that the answer is something that might be helpful.
Fever and belly pain. Could be a gall bladder infection.
Like that.
Do an MRI, stat.
You really don't need to be here.
I assume House is a great doctor.
Why would you assume that?
Because, when you're that big a jerk, you're either great or unemployed.
No sign of gall bladder infection.
- But there was a cyst. - Perfectly round.
Hep C wouldn't cause... The question was never "Is it Hep C?"
The question was, "Given that it's not Hep C, what is it?"
- Adenoma? - Not solid enough.
- Cavernous hemangioma? - Not vascular enough.
What if she was sloppy about washing her hands after pooping?
Amoeba infection?
If the amebiasis started in her liver, then spread to her blood,
that would explain all her symptoms, except for the crushed skull.
But I'm assuming that's from the car crash.
I'll start her on paromomycin and chloroquine.
Ten grams each.
That's 20 times the normal dose.
Right, so we'll destroy her retinas and damage her hearing.
Whoever wants those parts is having a very bad day.
Couple hours on the meds, she'll be feeling great.
I got your labs.
- Do you eat guinea pigs? - No.
How about hamsters or mice? Humans?
What are you talking about?
Is something wrong with me?
Absolutely nothing.
Your blood work is perfect.
You have lots of vitamins, minerals, all kinds of proteins,
including a little something I like to call bovine serum albumin
which you get from eating the animals mentioned. Or cow.
You don't really worship cows.
So I have to wonder, what could be more humiliating
than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?
- Nice. - That's my mom.
Either that's a very old photograph or it's your stepmom.
She goes around the house in a bikini. Or less.
I can't stop thinking about her.
My dad's in Europe. I'll be watching TV,
she'll give me a massage. I can't walk for an hour.
Still. Cows?
She's my mother!
Step.
Please? I just need the medicine for three months
until I graduate and I move out of the house.
Please.
You're not gonna have any fun at graduation.
Keep up the good work.
Your shirt is ironed.
That means you haven't told your wife anything.
Let's say you're right.
You're saying I'm right?
No, "let" is saying.
Does it occur to you that maybe there's some deeper guidance
than "keep your mouth shut"?
That maybe a friend might value concern over glibness?
That maybe...
Maybe I'm going through something
that I need to have an actual conversation about?
Does it occur to you that if you need that kind of a friend,
you may have made some deeper errors?
Her heartbeat's irregular. Looks like global hypokinesis.
Stop the meds.
You're giving up?
Either we're wrong and her heart is unusable,
or we're right, but the treatment we have
to give her will make her heart unusable.
I'm sorry. You can pull the plug now.
Find me another body.
That fat guy on Ortho service didn't look so hot.
No!
She's not ready.
You were ready this morning.
She's not done!
She's got to save that guy.
Alternate theories?
Amebiasis was our best hope.
The fact that her heart rate went back to normal
when we stopped the meds confirms...
What's our second-best hope?
House, put down the wand, there's no obstruction.
Maybe we should just biopsy it.
She's a fridge with the power out.
If we start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad.
No offense.
I don't see that we have a lot of choice.
The only way we'll find that infection...
What if it's not an infection? Toxins can cause similar symptoms,
especially if whatever it is did liver damage.
Her toxin screen was clean.
Those things never cover for any of the really cool toxins.
Run the screen again for whatever you can think of.
You, keep the other patient alive.
You check out the school.
And I seem to need to hire another doctor to go search her home.
Come on.
If she was taking any medications, I'd know about it.
Does your wife dye her hair?
No. Her mom never went gray, she didn't either.
Guess this must be yours, then.
Can you think of anything else she might've lied to you about?
Any drugs she gave up when she married you?
How are you feeling, sir?
Mr. Arrington?
What's going on?
His heart's not pumping enough blood to his brain.
We're gonna have to give it some help. Get the balloon ready.
Do you use this drawer?
No, that's for her vitamins.
And sleeping pills.
She never took sleeping pills.
Okay.
You on a diet?
No.
I guess you never really know someone, do you?
Quite the insight.
She lied to you about her hair color
and didn't want you to know she thought she was fat.
Unless you never lied to her about anything that huge,
I think you can probably let those slide.
Diet pills could have messed her up.
Raised the liver enzymes and caused the bellyache.
Not the fever.
Maybe something else set off the fever.
Like what?
Before I show you these, they were in a locked drawer in her desk.
The vice principal said that Laura must have confiscated them.
- They've had some problems... - Neither interesting nor helpful.
This, at least, is interesting.
No, it's not.
Sex with teenagers isn't interesting? Where did you grow up?
It isn't helpful. Teenage boys aren't toxins.
What if the cyst isn't a cyst?
Then we have nothing to go on.
I said it's not a cyst. I didn't say it was nothing.
What if it's a scar?
FitzHugh-Curtis syndrome?
You're pushing gonorrhea again?
You got anything better?
Test her. And start her on ceftriaxone.
What are you testing for now?
Just some more infections.
She's positive for gonorrhea.
I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.
The meds are started.
Her heart should be clear enough to use in about four or five hours.
I'll go tell the families.
He's in a coma.
- Start him on dobutamine. - Already did.
We either do the surgery now or we find him a new brain, too.
House, she's still got a significant amount of gonorrhea in her system.
Hopefully tomorrow it'll be in his system.
I need two O.R.'s and the transplant team.
Get ready.
- What is it? - Excuse me.
Insert IV.
Sides up.
What's going on? Is he getting a heart?
Yeah.
Come on, come on.
I assume this means you found out what was wrong with Laura.
She had amebiasis.
We just found a different way to get rid of it.
Thank you.
That was kind of you.
I didn't want him going postal on us.
As soon as his wife's heart's in our hands
you can tell him about the gonorrhea.
He's got to be tested.
Preferably before he gets any sympathy sex.
Paddles.
Fifty joules.
Charging.
Let's take him off bypass.
Okay.
Switch...
Mr. Neuberger, there's something I need to tell you.
For the last year
or so,
Laura was kind of distant with me.
I don't know why.
I thought maybe she was having an affair.
But, not Laura.
And I'm not excusing myself, but when I was traveling during Christmas
I had a...
I had a one-night stand.
I got gonorrhea.
- Are you sure... - Yeah.
I should've said something to you.
But I didn't wanna believe that I gave it to her.
That's what made her sick and that was why she got into the accident.
Cecile?
Am I dead?
Hopefully not for a long time.
Why are you here?
Amy called me.
If you do Mom again, you gotta wear a condom.
You're gonna have gonorrhea in your system for a while.
Could I stay with you for a few days?
You idiot. You told her.
She told me.
Things have been crappy at home lately.
I figured I wasn't spending enough time with her.
I figured...
Turns out you're right.
It's always about sex.
She's been having an affair.
Want a beer?