Kids, I'm gonna tell you
an incredible story.
The story of how
I met your mother.
We being punished for something?
No.
Yeah, is this
gonna take a while?
Yes. Twenty-five years ago,
before I was Dad,
I had this whole other life.
It was way back in 2005.
I was 27, just starting
to make it as an architect
and living in New York
with Marshall,
my best friend from college.
My life was good.
And then Uncle Marshall went
and screwed the whole thing up.
Will you marry me?
Yes. Perfect.
And then you're engaged,
you pop the champagne,
you drink a toast,
you have sex on
the kitchen floor.
Don't have sex on our floor.
Got it.
Thanks for helping me
plan this out, Ted.
Dude, are you kidding?
It's you and Lily.
I've been there for all the big
moments of you and Lily.
The night you met,
your first date,
other first things.
Yeah, sorry,
we thought you were asleep.
It's physics, Marshall.
If the bottom bunk moves,
the top bunk moves, too.
My God, you're
getting engaged tonight.
Yeah.
What are you doin' tonight?
What was I doing?
Here, Uncle Marshall
was taking the biggest step
of his life. And me?
I'm calling up
your Uncle Barney.
Hey, so you know how
I've always had a thing
for half-Asian girls?
Well, now I've got
a new favorite.
Lebanese girls.
Lebanese girls are
the new half-Asians.
Hey, you wanna do
something tonight?
Okay, meet me at the bar
in 15 minutes. And suit up!
Hey.
Where's your suit?
Just once,
when I say "suit up,"
I wish you'd put on a suit.
I did. That one time.
It was a blazer.
You know, ever since college
it's been Marshall
and Lily and me.
Now it's gonna be
Marshall and Lily and me.
They'll get married,
start a family.
Before long, I'm that
weird middle-aged bachelor
their kids call "Uncle Ted."
I see what this is about.
Have you forgotten what I said
to you the night we met?
Ted, I'm gonna
teach you how to live.
Barney.
We met at the urinal.
Oh, right. Hi.
Lesson one, lose the goatee.
It doesn't go with your suit.
I'm not wearing a suit.
Lesson two, get a suit.
Suits are cool. Exhibit A.
Lesson three,
don't even think about getting
married till you're 30.
Thirty. Right,
you're right.
I guess it's just,
your best friend gets engaged,
you start thinkin'
about that stuff.
I thought I was
your best friend.
Ted, say
I'm your best friend.
You're my best friend, Barney.
Good.
Then as your best friend,
I suggest
we play a little game
I like to call,
"Have you met Ted?"
No, no, no, no, we're not
playing "Have you met Ted."
Hi, have you met Ted?
Hi, I'm Ted.
Yasmin.
It's a very pretty name.
Thanks. It's Lebanese.
Hey.
I'm exhausted.
It was finger-painting day
at school
and a 5-year-old boy
got to second base with me.
Wow, you're cooking?
Yes, I am.
Oh.
Are you sure that's
a good idea after last time.
You looked really creepy
without eyebrows.
I can handle this.
I think you'll find
I'm full of surprises tonight.
So there's more surprises?
Like what?
Marshall was in
his second year of law school,
so he was pretty good
at thinking on his feet.
Boogedy boo!
And that's all of them.
I'm gonna go cook.
I'm so happy for Marshall,
I really am.
I just couldn't imagine
settling down right now.
So do you think
you'll ever get married?
Well, maybe eventually.
Some fall day.
Possibly in Central Park.
Simple ceremony.
We'll write our own vows.
Band, no DJ.
People will dance,
I'm not gonna worry about it.
Damn it, why did Marshall
have to get engaged?
Yeah, nothing hotter
than a guy planning out
his own imaginary wedding, huh?
Actually,
I think it's cute.
Well, you're clearly drunk.
One more for the lady!
Oh, hey, look what I got.
Oh, honey, champagne.
Yeah.
No, you are too old
to be scared to open
a bottle of champagne.
I'm not scared.
Then open it.
Fine.
Please, open it.
Gosh, you are unbelievable,
Marshall.
There are two big questions
a man has to ask in life.
One you plan out for months,
the other just slips out
when you're half-drunk
at some bar.
Will you marry me?
You wanna go out sometime?
Of course, you idiot!
I'm sorry,
Carl's my boyfriend.
What's up, Carl?
I promised Ted
we wouldn't do that.
Did you know there's
a Pop-Tart under your fridge?
No, but dibs.
Where's that champagne?
I wanna drink a toast
with my fiancee.
Oh.
I don't know why I
was so scared of this.
It's pretty easy, right?
Why am I freaking out
all of a sudden? This is crazy.
I'm not ready
to settle down.
How does Carl land
a Lebanese girl?
The plan's always been
don't even think about it
until you're 30.
Exactly. The guy
doesn't even own a suit.
Plus, Marshall's found
the love of his life.
Even if I was ready,
which I'm not,
but if I was, it's like,
"Okay, I'm ready. Where is she?"
And there she was.
It was like something
from an old movie
where the sailor sees the girl
across the crowded dance floor,
turns to his buddy and says,
"See that girl?
I'm gonna marry her someday."
Hey, Barney, see that girl?
Oh, yeah. You just know
she likes it dirty.
Go say hi.
I can't just go say hi.
I need a plan.
I'm gonna wait until
she goes to the bathroom,
then I'll strategically place
myself by the jukebox so that...
Hi, have you met Ted?
Hi.
Let me guess. Ted.
I'm sorry, Lily.
I'm so sorry.
Take us to the hospital.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you hit her?
Hit me? Please.
This guy can barely
even spank me in bed for fun.
He's all, like,
"Oh, honey, did that hurt?"
And I'm, like, "Come on,
let me have it, you pansy."
Wow, a complete stranger.
No, no, no, it's okay.
Go on.
So, these, uh, spankings,
are you in pajamas
or au naturel?
So what do you do?
A reporter for Metro News 1.
Oh.
Well, kind of a reporter.
I do those
dumb little fluff pieces
at the end of the news.
You know, like, "Monkey
who can play the ukulele."
But I'm hoping to get
some bigger stories soon.
Bigger, like, uh, "Gorilla
with an upright bass?"
Sorry. You're really pretty.
Oh, your friends
don't seem too happy.
Yeah. The one in the middle just
got dumped by her boyfriend.
So tonight,
every guy is "the enemy."
You know, if it'll make
your friend feel better
you could throw a drink
in my face. I don't mind.
She would love that.
And it does look fun
in the movies.
Hey, you wanna have dinner
with me Saturday night?
Oh, I can't.
I'm going to Orlando
for a week on Friday.
Some guy's attempting to make
the world's biggest pancake.
Guess who's covering it?
That's gonna take a week?
Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too.
It's another record.
Hey, what's takin'
so long?
I know this is a long shot,
but how about tomorrow night?
Yeah. What the hell.
Jerk!
That was fun.
De... Wait for it ... nied.
Denied.
We're goin' out
tomorrow night.
I thought we were playing
Lazer Tag tomorrow night.
Yeah, I was never gonna
go play Lazer Tag.
The next night, I took her out
to this
little bistro in Brooklyn.
Wow.
That is one
bad-ass blue French horn.
Yeah. Sort of looks
like a Smurf penis.
Son, a piece of advice.
When you go on a first date,
you really don't want
to say Smurf penis.
Girls don't
ordinarily like that.
But this was
no ordinary girl.
Lily.
How long have you
been sitting there?
Stupid eye patch.
Mom, Dad, I have found
the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.
Marshall, how have I always
described my perfect woman?
Ah. Let's see.
She likes dogs?
I've got five dogs.
She drinks Scotch?
I love a Scotch
that's old enough to
order its own Scotch.
Can quote obscure lines
from Ghostbusters?
"Ray, when someone asks you
if you're a God,
you say, 'Yes!'"
And I'm saving
the best for last.
Do you want these?
I hate olives.
She hates olives. Awesome!
The Olive Theory.
The Olive Theory is based on
my friends, Marshall and Lily.
He hates olives, she loves them.
And in a weird way,
that's what makes them
such a great couple.
Perfect balance.
You know,
I've had a jar of olives
just sitting in
my fridge forever.
I could take
them off your hands.
They're all yours.
Oh, it is on!
It is on till
the break of dawn.
But, wait, it's only the break
of 10:30. What happened?
I gotta get one of
those blue French horns
for over my fireplace.
It's gotta be blue,
it's gotta be French.
No green clarinet?
Nope.
Come on, no purple tuba?
It's a Smurf penis
or no dice.
There you are!
We got a jumper. Some crazy guy
on the Manhattan Bridge.
Come on, you're covering it.
Um. All right,
I'll be right there.
I'm sorry.
I had a really
great time tonight.
Yeah, well.
So, did you kiss her?
No, the moment wasn't right.
Look, this woman could
actually be my future wife.
I want our first kiss
to be amazing.
Oh, Ted, that is so sweet.
So, you chickened out
like a little bitch.
What? I did not chicken out.
You know what? I don't need
to take first kiss advice
from some pirate
who hasn't been single
since the first week
of college.
Ted, anyone who's single
would tell you the same thing.
Even the dumbest
single person alive.
And if you don't
believe me, call him.
Hey, loser,
how's not playing Lazer Tag?
Because playing Lazer Tag
is awesome.
Oh, I killed you, Connor.
Don't make me get your mom.
Hey, listen, I need
your opinion on something.
Okay, meet me at the bar
in 15 minutes. And suit up!
So, these guys think I chickened
out. What do you think?
I can't believe
you're still not
wearing a suit.
She didn't even
give me the signal.
What, is she gonna bat her eyes
at you in Morse code?
"Ted,
"kiss me."
No, you just kiss her.
Not if you don't
get the signal.
Did Marshall
give me the signal?
No!
I didn't, I swear.
But, see, at least tonight,
I get to sleep
knowing Marshall and me,
never gonna happen.
You should've kissed her.
Oh, I should've kissed her.
Well, maybe in a week
when she gets back from Orlando.
A week? That's like
a year in hot-girl time.
She'll forget all about you.
Mark my words, you will
never see that one again.
There she is.
Ooh. She's cute.
Hey, Carl, turn it up.
persuaded him
to reconsider.
At which point the man
came down off the ledge,
giving this bizarre
story a happy ending.
Reporting from Metro 1 News,
back to you, Bill.
The guy didn't jump.
I'm gonna go kiss her.
Right now.
Look, dude, it's midnight.
As your future lawyer,
I'm gonna advise you
that's freakin' crazy.
I never do anything crazy.
I'm always waiting for the
moment, planning the moment.
Well, she's leavin' tomorrow
and this may be the only moment
I'm gonna get.
I gotta do what that guy
couldn't. I gotta take the leap.
Okay, not a perfect metaphor
'cause for me it's fall in love
and get married
and for him it's death.
Actually,
that is a perfect metaphor.
By the way, did I
congratulate you two?
I'm doing this.
Let's go.
Word up.
We're coming with you.
Barney?
All right,
but under one condition.
Look at you, you beautiful
bastard, you suited up.
This is totally
going in my blog.
Stop the car. Uh,
pull over right here.
I gotta do something.
Excuse me.
Pardon me, just a sec.
Enjoy your coffee.
Hey!
Go, go, go!
Everybody brings flowers.
Okay, moment of truth.
Wish me luck.
Ted's gonna get it on
with a TV reporter.
"This just in." Okay.
Kiss her, Ted.
Kiss her good.
Kiss the crap
out of that girl.
Marshall,
remember this night.
When you're
the best man at our wedding
and you give a speech,
you're gonna tell this story.
Why does he get
to be the best man?
I'm your best friend!
As I walked up to that door,
a million thoughts
raced through my mind.
Unfortunately,
one particular thought did not.
I've got five dogs.
Not good, not good.
No!
Get back in there.
You're wearing a suit!
Ted?
Hi.
I was just, uh...
Come on up.
He's in.
So, Ranjit,
you must have done it
with a Lebanese girl?
Okay, that's my Barney limit.
I'm gonna see if that bodega
has a bathroom.
Actually,
I'm from Bangladesh.
The women hot there?
Here's a picture
of my wife.
A simple "no"
would have sufficed.
She's lovely.
So, Ted, what brings
you back to Brooklyn
at 1:00 in the morning
in a suit?
I was just hoping to
get those olives
that you said I could have.
Would you like those olives
with some gin and vermouth?
Are you trying
to get me drunk?
For starters.
[SLOW MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
So, Marshall,
this Olive Theory
based on you and Lily.
Yeah.
You hate olives.
Lily loves them,
you can't stand them.
Yeah, I hate olives.
Two weeks ago,
Spanish bar on 79th Street.
Dish of olives.
You had some. What up?
You have to swear that
this does not leave this cab.
I swear.
On our first date,
I ordered a Greek salad.
Lily asked if
she could have my olives.
I said, "Sure, I hate olives."
But you like olives.
Well, I was 18, okay?
I was a virgin.
Been waiting my whole life
for a pretty girl
to want my olives.
Marshall, I'm gonna give you
an early wedding present.
Don't get married.
I think I like
your Olive Theory.
I think I like
your new French horn.
I think I like your nose.
I think
I'm in love with you.
What?
Come on, man, you said your
stomach's been hurting, right?
You know what that is? Hunger.
You're hungry for experience.
Hungry for something new.
Hungry for olives.
But you're too scared
to do anything about it.
Yeah, I'm scared, okay?
But when I think of spending
the rest of my life with Lily,
committing forever,
no other women,
doesn't scare me at all.
I'm marrying that girl.
Lily.
Lily, I like olives.
We'll make it work.
So, Orlando?
You gonna hit Disney World?
You love me?
Oh, God.
I can't believe I said that.
Why did I say that?
Who says that?
I should just go.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
I promised you these.
Olives.
Yeah.
Thanks. I love you.
What is wrong with me?
Why are
we still sitting here?
Let's go. We can
still make last call.
What do you say, Lil?
"Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum"?
'Cause you're a pirate?
Okay, eye patch gone.
And we can't
just abandon Ted.
If it doesn't go well up there,
he's gonna need some support.
It's been,
like, 20 minutes.
Do you think
they're doin' it?
You think they're doing it
in front of the dogs?
Doggie style.
I knew this girl in college,
she had this Golden Retriever...
Okay, we can go to the bar.
Just stop talking.
Hit it, Ranjit.
So, when you tell this story
to your friends,
could you avoid
the word "psycho"?
I'd prefer "eccentric."
Goodnight, psycho.
Great.
Um, how do I
get to the F train?
Oh. Um, two blocks, that way
and take a right.
Thanks.
You know what?
I'm done being single.
I'm not good at it.
Look, obviously, you can't tell
a woman you just met
you love her,
but it sucks that you can't.
I'll tell you something,
though. If a woman,
not you,
just some hypothetical woman,
were to bear with me
through all this,
I think I'd make
a damn good husband
because that's the stuff
I'd be good at.
Stuff like makin' her laugh
and bein' a good father
and walking
her five hypothetical dogs.
Bein' a good kisser.
Everyone thinks
they're a good kisser.
Oh, I've got references.
Goodnight, Ted.
And I'm a good handshaker.
That's a pretty
great handshake.
And that was it. I'll probably
never see her again.
What?
That was the signal.
That long, lingering handshake.
You should've kissed her.
There's no such thing
as the signal.
But, yeah,
that was the signal.
Signal.
Carl, thank you.
There's something
I gotta do.
By the way,
you should've kissed her.
Carl, you guys weren't there.
I am so turned on
right now.
Guys, trust me.
I've seen the signal.
That was not the signal.
Yeah, Ted, we're not
on you anymore.
To my fiancee.
To the future.
To one hell of a night.
That was not the signal.
I asked her
about it years later,
and, yeah,
that was the signal.
I could've kissed her.
But that's the funny thing
about destiny,
it happens whether you
plan it or not.
I mean, I never thought
I'd see that girl again.
But it turns out,
I was just too close
to the puzzle
to see the picture
that was forming.
Because that, kids,
is the true story
of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Aunt Robin?
I thought this
was how you met Mom.
Will you relax?
I'm getting to it.
Like I said,
it's a long story.