So, kids, would you like
to hear the story
of the time I went deaf?
Why does he even ask?
I know, he's just going
to tell us anyway.
I sure am.
It all began when
Robin strolled into the bar
and said...
Say you're my bitch.
I'm your bitch.
Why this time?
Because tonight I'm
getting us all into Okay.
"Okay," awesome!
What's going on?
Did I just have a stroke?
Okay is the name
of a club.
Yeah, it's supposed to be
incredibly exclusive.
This friend of mine
once waited outside
for two hours,
couldn't get in.
A friend of yours named You?
No, a friend of mine
named Shut Up.
Yeah, well, the owner
goes to my gym.
It turns out that he is a fan of
my reporting for Metro News One.
So now I'm on the list
for tonight.
Nice going, Scherbatsky.
You're becoming a long
and difficult-to-spell
household name.
He's even getting me
into the V.I.P. room.
Yeah, he just wants to show you
his own V.I.P.,
if you know what I mean.
All right, what does
V.I.P. stand for
in your little universe?
Well, I know that "P" is Penis.
Great, so you guys are in.
Should I invite Marshall
and Lily?
Why was this funny?
I'll explain.
You see, Lily was
a kindergarten teacher,
and so one fateful nap time...
Austin and I spent
Saturday night
at the most charming little
bed and breakfast.
It was so nice.
What did you do this weekend?
Go, come on, chug, chug, chug!
Ten seconds!
Suck it, losers!
You know, quiet time
with the fiancé.
I don't know,
I just felt embarrassed.
Claire is my age and
she and her husband
do all this classy
grownup stuff.
Maybe we should start doing
some grownup stuff.
That's some pretty grownup stuff
we did this morning.
Yeah, but it wasn't classy.
Maybe we should have
a wine-tasting party.
I like wine.
I like tasting.
You know I can party.
Let's do it.
Let's rock it.
Maturity style.
And ever since then
she's been signing him up
for book clubs,
cooking classes...
All the things you do
when you know
where your next thousand lays
are coming from.
So, no, Lily and Marshall
will not be joining us.
Got it. Anyway, Ted,
part two of my story:
My friend Kelly's
going to be there.
Kelly, who supposedly
I'm going to love.
Oh, you are going to love Kelly.
She's fun, she's smart,
she lives in the moment...
She's ugly,
she's ugly,
she ugs in the ugly.
Oh, and she's totally hot.
Okay, I guess I could take her
off your hands for an evening.
Hmm...
So do you have any other
hot, single friends?
No.
Kelly...
Oh, no, Ted, your blazer!
What, what, what?
Somebody spilled
gorgeous all over it.
Love it.
Thank you.
And his hair was perfect.
We're wearing the same shirt.
Oh, wait, no, that's just my
shirt reflected in yours.
One of the 24 similarities
between girls and fish
is that they're both
attracted to shiny objects.
You really never read
my blog, do you?
All right, tin man,
let's hit it.
All right, well, have fun at
your little disco, guys.
What the hell happened
to these two?
Marshall and I are
just growing up.
Yeah, it's going
to be sweet, too.
Like tonight, we're tasting
all these different wines,
pairing them up with these
cool gourmet cheeses.
Wow, who knew being in
a committed heterosexual
relationship
could make a guy so gay?
All right, cool kids
are leaving now.
Grandma, Grandpa,
don't wait up.
My, oh, my.
There are some
ferocious-looking
cutlets here tonight.
All right, hookup strategy.
Colon, find a cutlet,
lock her in early,
grind with her all
night till she's mine.
Do these strategies
ever work for you?
The question is:
Do these strategies
ever not work for me?
Either way, the answer
is about half the time.
My bitches!
Check this out.
Um, they're with me.
Um, we're her bitches, too.
We'll wait here.
And with today's
interest rate climate,
you've got to go for
the 30-year fixed mortgage.
Oh, totally.
Yeah.
So, Marshall,
what about you?
You guys thinking
house, baby?
Oh!
No, I think we're going
to wait on the baby thing.
I mean, I love babies.
Babies rule.
Pudgy arms and stuff...
But, uh, they make you old.
Kind of like this anchor
weighing you down
to one spot... forever.
I'm three months pregnant.
Not awkward, guys.
Not awkward unless
we let it be awkward.
This place seems great.
Is Kelly here?
Yeah, she's around
somewhere.
Uh, let's go find her.
I'll introduce you guys.
Then I should probably
duck into the V.I.P. room.
It's so stupid
and arbitrary, isn't it?
Who gets to be a V.I.P.
and who doesn't?
Can we come?
It's not that arbitrary.
Whoa, this place is loud.
You think?
Think it was kind of weird
that Ted didn't invite me
out with him?
Why? You'd rather be
out at some dance club,
all noisy and sweaty,
with the...
Is that what you want?
Is this what you want?
"30-year fixed mortgage...
I'm three months pregnant."
That was awkward.
Let's start drinking!
Not so fast.
In order for the tannins
to mellow,
we should let it breathe
for about 30 minutes.
Freaking tannins.
Do you know what they're
doing in there right now?
They're watching Claire's
ultrasound video.
And I swear to God,
even the baby looks bored.
Come on, it's not that bad.
We're really starting
to click with these guys.
Claire and Austin just invited
us to their fondue fest
next Saturday night.
Are you honestly trying
to get me excited about fondue?
It's dipping stuff in hot
cheese. What's not to love?
Okay, that does sound good.
But it's dipping stuff in hot
cheese with boring people.
Marshall, it's time
for us to grow up.
Marshall knew she was right.
He had to stop
acting like a kid.
But not tonight.
Now, our apartment
was on the third floor,
so I'm not sure if this part
is actually true,
but Uncle Marshall
swears it happened.
Taxi!
The new album is great.
It's all smooth and polished,
not dark and heavy
like their early stuff.
Oh, yeah, Norah Jones just
gets better and better.
Please, tell me we can
drink the wine now.
Five more minutes.
We don't want to rush
those tannins.
Freaking tannins.
I'm wetting my pants!
I think that's when I realized,
clubs weren't awesome.
Clubs weren't even okay.
Clubs sucked.
I had to get out of there.
Hey.
Hey, Robin.
Why aren't you inside?
I'm calling the owner.
There's a guy in there
who won't let me in
to the stupid V.I.P. room.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I had this move,
so I came here to bust it.
Can you get me in?
Great. Voice mail.
Thanks, I'll see you!
Bye!
Oh, come on,
he just got here.
He's probably famous.
Oh, yeah. Isn't there
a third Affleck brother?
Keith Affleck or Brian
Affleck or something?
Holy crap, we just
saw Brian Affleck.
It's not like I care so much
about getting into
the V.I.P. room.
I have been in tons
of V.I.P. rooms.
I'm not exactly a V.I.P.
room virgin.
But seriously, call me back.
Oh, um, I was just
in there, Robin Scherbatsky.
I'm on the list.
Name's already
crossed off. Sorry.
But I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
I'm a reporter for Channel One.
There's a channel one?
Back of the line.
Should have snuck in
with Brian Affleck.
Aah! Coat wench,
do not uncheck
that man's jacket!
Sorry, just being dramatic.
You're not a coat wench.
No, no, no, coat wench,
I like it.
I should get a sign made up.
What are you doing here?
Lily let you go?
Lily? Who cares, right?
You are so dead.
Oh, I am so dead.
Wow, I'm going home.
No, uh-uh.
I put my ass
and probably other parts
of my body on the line
to come down here
and party with my bro.
Now, damn it,
we're going to party.
All right, one beer.
Yes! Finally, I don't have to
wait a half an hour for a drink.
Oh, man, I can't believe
I forgot to tell you this.
This is important
to the story.
Earlier that day,
Marshall went to the dentist
and got a temporary crown
put in.
Okay, so anyway...
Marshall, are you okay?
Again, I wasn't there, so I'm
a little foggy on the details.
Taxi!
Hey.
Marshall just ditched
out on our own party.
Can you get me in there?
I kind of need to kill him.
Actually, I can't
even get myself in.
I was such a dork.
I get recognized one time,
and I start thinking
I'm Julia Roberts.
I'm no V.I.P.
I'm not even an I.P.
I'm just a lowly little P
sitting out here in the gutter.
You know something?
I'd take a P in the gutter
over Julia Roberts any day.
Hmm...
I broke my tooth!
Do you have...
any aspirin?
Maybe there's...
a machine in...
the restroom.
Now to this day,
I don't know what
happened in there,
but when Marshall came out
a few minutes later...
Rough night?
Yeah.
These clubs are supposed
to be fun, right?
Why do I hate them so much?
Because all of the stuff
you're supposed to like
usually sucks.
Like these clubs... or cruises.
Or New Year's Eve.
Or the Super Bowl.
Or parades.
The Rockettes.
Or parades.
You said that already.
I really hate parades.
Okay.
He just left in the middle
of our own party!
You don't do that.
Unless, of course, you're
chasing after somebody
who's already done it,
and then... then
I think it's okay.
Well, I hate to take
his side, but come on,
a wine tasting?
What's the big plan for next
Saturday, Scrabble night?
Don't check your email.
Why are you becoming
this person?
I heard that in college
you flashed a campus
tour group on a dare.
Once on a dare.
The other times
were just for fun.
I'm not in college anymore.
I'd love to go back
and be that person again,
but you can't move backwards.
You can only go forward.
Um, false.
You can go
wherever you want.
I guess the question is,
where do you want to go?
I want to go into this club
and find my fiancé.
Well, that you can't do.
Want to bet?
Follow my lead.
Hey, big guy.
I said follow my lead.
Please, please.
Follow her lead.
Come on.
Do it, please.
Follow her, please.
Yes, please.
Those were the four greatest
and only breasts I've ever seen.
Yeah, see, if everyone
keeps telling you
something is supposed
to be fun, it's usually not.
Right!
Right.
So, by that logic,
if you and I were to say,
go out on a date...
Well, then we
couldn't go anywhere
that's supposed to be fun.
Right. The DMV it is.
Then we'll get
our teeth cleaned.
Sounds awful. It's a date.
Okay!
But there's still
one big question
that needs to be answered.
How many of these coats
do you think
I can put on all at once?
Okay, for the wedge...
Barney?
Ted.
Get your coat.
We're leaving.
What... what happened
to that, um...
cutlet you were grinding with?
That was my cousin Leslie.
What?
No, no, no.
We're not laughing
about this, Ted.
This is not gonna
be some funny story
that we'll be telling
in a couple months.
It's not gonna be like,
"Hey, ha, remember that time
when you were
grinding with..." No.
And you know why?
Because... italics...
this night did not happen.
You promise me you
will never, ever, ever
tell another living soul
what transpired
here tonight.
You promise.
Promise.
All right.
All right, I promise.
Let's get Marshall and go, okay?
Hey, thanks for
saving my night.
I'll talk to you soon?
Yeah.
Um, hey, tip her, Barney.
Why? I didn't
check a coat.
And even if I did,
on principle, tip
jars have become so...
Funny story: Barney was grinding
with this girl all night...
Fine!
That's a handy new trick.
So, Marshall and Lily
rediscovered their youth.
It was nice.
And then it got... icky.
I'm really glad you
guys came out tonight.
You know, dude,
can I just say something?
It kind of hurt that you guys
didn't invite me out.
I mean, I know things have
changed since I got engaged,
but it would have
been nice to be asked!
I'm sorry! I just assumed...
They played some
good songs tonight!
I mean, lately...
I know, I know. It just
seems like suddenly
we're living
in two different worlds.
Maybe you've got more
in common with Barney.
What?
Are you crazy?
You think I like
going to those clubs?
I'd so much rather
go to your fruity
little wine tasting.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf.
Where's my purse?
where's my purse?
Yeah, I'm okay.
The problem is, you can't
do any of that couple stuff
unless you have someone
to do it with,
and the only way I'm gonna
find that someone
is by going out
and doing stupid single
stuff with Barney.
What?
But, man, when I find her,
we're gonna have
some bad-ass wine tastings.
It's a plan.
Hey, maybe it'll be
that cute coat check girl.
Yeah!
Maybe it will be.
It wasn't.
You know, Ted, I don't say this
nearly enough, but I really...
That place has great salads!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH