Kids,
this is a Thanksgiving story.
Thanksgiving in New York
is a wonderful time.
It's a time for
giving of yourself,
for thinking of
your fellow man.
A time
when the unforgiving city
becomes a little kinder.
Well, I just ralphed.
How much did you guys
drink last night?
Not how much, what.
The Thanks-tini,
a fun and delicious
new novelty drink I invented.
Cranberry juice,
potato vodka,
and a bouillon cube.
Tastes just like
a turkey dinner.
Mmm. It's like
Thanksgiving in my mouth.
You want a good holiday drink?
Try his Kwanzaa-politan.
The shuttle's here!
He hasn't been back home
to Minnesota since Christmas.
He's a little excited.
Baby, we're
holding up the shuttle.
Do you have
everything you need?
Toothbrush, pajamas,
underpants?
Underpants.
So, Lil, Marshall's family.
Whole weekend with
the future in-laws.
You excited?
Yeah, no, it'll be fun.
Lily, you just said,
"Yeah, no."
Did I?
No, I... I love
Marshall's family.
But, yeah, no,
it'll be great.
You just did it again.
Yeah, no, shut up.
Wait, so you're not
going home for Thanksgiving?
No, I have to
work on Friday. You?
I'm Canadian, remember?
We celebrate
Thanksgiving in October.
Oh, right, I forgot.
You guys are weird.
You pronounce the word
"out,"oute."
You guys are
the world's leader
in handgun violence,
your healthcare system
is bankrupt,
and your country is
deeply divided on almost
every important issue.
Your cops are called Mounties.
So, probably hanging out
with Barney, then?
No. Barney's got his own
Thanksgiving tradition.
Thanksgiving in a strip club.
Who's in?
The Lusty Leopard has
a surprisingly good
Thanksgiving buffet.
Plus, they do this thing.
Heather dresses up
as a Pilgrim,
and Misty dresses up
as an Indian,
and they share
a meal together.
Oh, Barney.
I'm sorry. Native American.
I think I'm gonna go
to a homeless shelter,
serve food.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
I thought I'd just
spend the day giving back,
you know, doing some good.
Canceling out Barney.
Exactly.
Where are all my underpants?
Did you check your suitcase?
No.
Let's go.
And go they went.
All the way to
St. Cloud, Minnesota,
Marshall's hometown.
And as Lily stepped into
her fiance's boyhood home,
she received a big welcome.
Hello! We're home!
A very big welcome.
You see, at 6-foot-4,
Marshall was the runt
of the Eriksen clan.
Great to see you.
Hey, you, too.
Wow, I forgot
how tall you guys are.
Where's my almost
daughter-in-law?
Here I am!
Over here!
Well, you got yourself
a great little
bride here, Son.
Yeah.
That's great.
All right, now,
no farting around.
Put your skates
and your pads on, boys.
Game on in five minutes.
Yeah. All right.
Oh, you gonna play hockey?
Hike, hut!
With a basketball?
Well, it's a combination
of the two.
We call it "bask-ice-ball."
We invented it.
It's the most dangerous
and awesome sport
in the world.
Bask-ice-ball?
Not ice-ket-ball?
"Ice-ket-ball"?
Just sounds weird.
Yeah.
It's bask-ice-ball, okay?
And I'm the best.
Oh, you wish.
Oh, well,
maybe that's just 'cause
you haven't seen me play.
I don't know, honey.
It's not really
a sport for a girl.
Well, that's funny,
'cause your brother
throws like a girl.
Marcus.
This is gonna be great.
I know.
I'm so psyched we did this.
Man, look at all these people.
Giving up their Thanksgiving
to help their fellow man.
These have gotta be
the best people in New York.
Excuse me, guys,
coming through.
Barney?
Well, hi, guys.
What are you doing here?
Oh, just the Lord's work.
But you're Satan.
Guys, okay, look.
I don't advertise it,
but I volunteer here.
I think it's important
to help the less fortunate.
I'm the Angelina Jolie
of incredibly hot guys.
This is a joke, right?
You don't actually
volunteer here?
Barney,
we need you out front.
There is a logjam
on the stuffing line.
Can you show them
how it's done?
I'm on it.
Wait, so, this is real?
Barney does this?
Every Sunday, all year long.
He's our best volunteer.
That's 'cause I was trained
by the best, Kendall.
Anyway, uh, we're psyched
to be here, Kendall.
What do you need us to do?
Uh, go home, we're full.
What?
We're volunteers,
we're unpaid help.
Can you ever really have
enough unpaid help?
Uh, on the biggest
volunteer day of the year?
Yeah, you can.
Come on,
we just wanna help out.
Kendall. They're cool.
Fine. But I'm not
promising anything.
Wait here,
we'll let you know
if we need you.
Okay, well, I better
get back out there.
There's a lot of
food to give out.
And a lot of smiles.
Ooh, I almost forgot.
I know it's early,
but you are a future
Mrs. Eriksen.
Oh, thank you.
Well, it'll go great
with my...
I just love it.
Okay, Lily,
we're putting you
on salad duty.
Oh, I make this great
frisee and endive salad
with a coriander
lime vinaigrette.
But this is
an American holiday.
Lily, now that
you're going to be
a Mrs. Eriksen,
I'm going to let you in
on a secret recipe:
The Eriksen Family
Seven Layer Salad.
Seven layer salad?
Six cups of mayonnaise?
That can't be right.
Oh, no, dear. Sixteen cups.
Mayo's in that cabinet.
Oh, my God, there is some
serious bask-ice-ball
going on out there.
Dad totally nailed
Marcus in the face
with a snowball,
which is a foul,
'cause you only get
one snowball per possession,
so I nailed him in
the shin with my skate,
and then I totally dunked it.
Yeah, you were sitting pretty,
till I whacked you
with that mallet.
Hey, gorgeous.
You having fun?
Yeah,
but, but I kind of miss you.
Could you stay in here
for a little bit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem.
It's halftime.
Oh, halftime's over.
Get your butts out here.
Come on.
And I hope you like
the taste of skate, dorko.
Go.
Thanks, baby.
Isn't this great?
Can't you see why everybody
from my high school
stays in this town?
Hey, Marvin!
You're the dorko, dorko!
Man,
it's amazing out there.
I've done so much good today,
I've got, like, a soul boner.
Man, the way the faces of
the less fortunate light up
when you give them
a hot, nutritious meal,
is there a better
feeling on earth?
Yesterday, you said
the best feeling on earth
was getting your toes sucked.
Then you requested
a high-five, with your foot.
Hey, Barn, what do you say
you let us sub in for you
scoop stuffing
for a little bit?
You wanna scoop
stuffing your first day out?
Hello, NFL, can I be
quarterback this Sunday?
Dude.
Okay, I finished
the Gummi Bear layer
of the salad.
What's next?
Potato chips, of course.
So, Lily, when are you
gonna start thinking
about having a baby?
Baby? Uh, you know,
I... I hadn't really
thought about it.
At all.
Actually,
Aunt Lily was lying.
It was all she'd
been thinking about.
You see,
remember when she said...
Well, I just ralphed.
At that point,
she was five days late.
This was day six.
Yeah, I mean,
I'm way too young
to have a baby, right?
Oh, are you kidding?
I was younger than you
when I had Marcus.
Beautiful 15-pound boy.
Not much bigger than
this turkey right here.
Oh, boy.
Now, if Lily
was already uneasy about
joining the Eriksen family,
imagine how she felt
about possibly having
a 15-pound Eriksen
growing inside of her.
That's a big baby, Judy.
The doctor thought
he was twins.
Twins.
This is crazy.
Uh, uh, when did it get
so hard to do charity work?
I do charity work
all the time.
Remember when I said
I'd find you a girlfriend?
Delightful.
How's that little project
coming along, anyway?
I'm working on it.
I'm gonna
introduce you to that girl
you've been staring at.
What? That's crazy.
I haven't been
staring at any girl.
Have you met Ted?
Hi,
I'm the aforementioned Ted,
and this is... Um, gone.
I'm Amanda.
Hi.
So, uh,
what do you do here, Ted?
Well, I've been...
Nothing. I do nothing.
Well, if you wanna
do something,
you and your girlfriend
can help sort through
these donations.
Oh, um,
I'm not his girlfriend.
I used to be,
but, um, I just wasn't
enough woman for Ted,
emotionally, or sexually.
Oh, my God.
So, Amanda,
what do you need us to do?
Okay, this is important.
Go through all these boxes
of food donations,
take out
the really good stuff,
and put it into this box.
Got it. Consider it sorted.
Hey, we're in business.
Hey, Barney's not gonna
get all the glory today.
Let's start with this one.
Yeah.
Amen.
Look who came
to say good night.
It's little Martin.
Three months old.
Months? Three months?
He's been drinking his milk.
Oh, yeah.
Hear, hear.
And she's already
pregnant again.
Well, that's 'cause
those Eriksen boys'
boys can swim.
They got two tails
and a drill bit for a head.
Dad, you're embarrassing me.
Ah, don't worry about it, Son,
she's cool.
She's gonna be an Eriksen.
Yeah, well, well,
not literally.
'Cause, you know,
I'm keeping my name.
But the apron?
Well, we haven't actually
decided anything yet,
so we're gonna...
No, I've decided,
and I'm keeping my own name.
But Eriksen is
a great last name.
People know the Eriksens.
Well, sure, in... in St. Cloud,
but our kids aren't gonna be
growing up in St. Cloud.
Right, baby?
Well, why not St. Cloud?
I mean, I loved
growing up in St. Cloud.
St. Cloud is a great place
to have a childhood.
Well, so is New York.
What? It is.
And we grew up just fine.
And we grew to
the proper size,
and then we stopped.
Hey, Amanda,
what's this box for?
Oh, that's for me.
You can put it in my car.
In your car.
Um, then you'll take it...
Home. Yeah,
we get so much extra food,
no one can eat it all.
Oh, truffle oil. Score.
But people donated this food
thinking it was going to feed
the hungry.
I know. And I'm starving.
But, Marshall,
you love New York.
Yes, I do.
But you always said
that when we had kids,
you wanted to move
out of Manhattan.
Well, yeah, to Brooklyn.
Why are we even
talking about this?
This is, like,
way down the road.
But Lily knew
"way down the road,"
might not be
so far down the road.
I need to go to the restroom.
Lily, the restroom's
the other way.
So, she headed down the road.
Lily?
Lily!
So, wait.
Not only have you not done
any good for anyone today,
you're actually
helping someone steal
from the homeless?
You know, Ted,
it's called Thanksgiving,
not Thanks-taking.
Damn.
Barney, you need me to sign
your time sheet, right?
Oh, yeah, right. Thanks.
Barney.
Yeah, what's up?
You have a time sheet?
No one else has a time sheet.
Yeah, so?
All right,
let me see that.
Come on.
Hey, that's my private,
personal business.
"Court-mandated
community service?"
Oh, my God,
you're on probation?
What did you do?
That's my private,
personal business.
I was unfairly punished
because the wall belonged
to the judge's church.
You peed on a church?
I peed in an alley,
which happened
to have a church,
which I did not see,
because I was drunk.
You are evil.
Ah, all is right
with the world again.
Okay, fine.
So a judge is
making me do this,
but I'm still doing it.
And kicking ass at it, BTW.
When's the last time
either of you did
something good, huh?
Kendall. Ah, Kendall.
Amanda is stealing
Portobello mushrooms
from homeless people.
Amanda. I called dibs
on the Portobello mushrooms.
Those are for the hungry.
I know. And I'm starving.
Those are good mushrooms!
Mushrooms! Mushrooms!
Portobello mushrooms
for everyone!
Take them and run!
They're very expensive!
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving?
As in,
"Check out the chick buying
the knock-up test, everybody,
"wonder what must be
going through her head."
Yeah, well, since you asked,
a family of
mayonnaise-guzzling giants
is trying to suck me into
their suburban nightmare,
and there's a solid chance
that I have an Eriksen,
the size of a 15-pound turkey,
growing inside of me!
You know the Eriksens?
You're Marshall's fiancee.
Fantastic.
So nice to meet you.
You're taller than described.
Oh, I'm sorry
I just yelled at you.
You mind if I use
your bathroom?
Don't have one.
So what do you do
when you have to...
I hold it.
You can't fire a volunteer.
Apparently you can.
And his two
non-mushroom-throwing friends.
I can't believe
I told Kendall
you guys were cool.
I have 40 hours left
on my community service.
And now I've gotta spend it
spearing trash on
a freaking median strip.
Volunteer of the Year!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay?
Look, if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you,
just tell me,
I'll... I'll do it.
Ted, I'm glad you asked.
Surprisingly good.
Right? I told you so.
Public urination.
Who gets arrested
for public urination?
Lily's been arrested.
Oh, dear. What for?
Public urination.
Thanks, Pete.
No problemo, Marsh.
You all right?
No.
I embarrassed myself
in front of your family,
and now I'm celebrating
Thanksgiving
in probably the most
depressing place ever.
Well, I'm glad
that you're safe.
Hey, weird question.
Why did you drive
3 miles down Route 23
and take a pee behind
a convenience store?
Okay, I'll tell you,
but before I do,
promise me that
we are not gonna move
to St. Cloud, Minnesota.
Promise.
Look it, I'm not suggesting
that we move here tomorrow,
I'm just...
Just promise!
Why do you want me
to promise you that?
Because I don't fit in here.
I'm not 8 feet tall,
and I don't think
you can call it a salad
if it has Funyuns in it!
I'm Funyuns.
And mayonnaise,
and Gummi Bears,
and bask-ice-ball,
and I love St. Cloud.
And yes,
there is a part of me
that would like to
move here someday.
And why are we having
this discussion
in a jail cell
on Thanksgiving?
Okay, personal effects.
One wallet, one cell phone,
one pregnancy test.
Pete arrested me
before I could look at it.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Lily, we can't let our kids
play bask-ice-ball.
Bask-ice-ball is
really dangerous.
Yeah, what are the rules
to that game, anyway?
There are no rules.
We just whale on each other.
Look, I don't wanna be
exactly like my family.
And don't take
this the wrong way,
but I don't wanna be exactly
like your family, either.
We'll be our own family.
And we'll find our own way
to freak out the people
our kids bring home.
Great, now I'm crying.
Look, we may have some
really big decisions to make
in about 10 seconds,
but right now, I don't care
where our kids grow up,
as long as they have
you for a father.
Gosh, I hope
you're the father.
Just a little joke
to lighten up the mood.
What does it say?
I'm afraid to look.
It's negative!
Oh, thank God.
And, hey!
Ted, are you listening?
You're a good guy.
Wanna know why I have
to work tomorrow?
My firm's designing
an executive lounge
for a tobacco company.
In the fight against cancer,
I'm on the side of cancer.
Okay, Ted. I found a way
for you to help someone,
to do some good.
This is Walter.
Walter is homeless.
And Walter would
like a lap dance.
Are you joking?
I never joke about
the sublime art of
burlesque entertainment.
No, Barney, that's insane.
Sir, would you like me
to buy you a ticket
to the buffet?
No, I'm stuffed.
Just the lap dance
would be fine.
Ted, Walter's been
to three shelter dinners.
You know
where he hasn't been?
To heaven with Samantha.
Look, it's the one chance
you've had all day to help
someone in need.
Now, buy this man
a lap dance.
You said you wanted
to see the look of joy
in someone's eyes.
You know, I don't think
I'm gonna watch.
Here you go, Walter.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you so much.
No, really. Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
Thanksgiving in November.
Weird.
So,
that was Thanksgiving 2005.
To be honest,
it didn't go great.
But life has
plenty of good parts.
It's the rough parts
that make you thankful
you have people
to share it with.
Hey, I saw what you did
for that guy.
It was really sweet.
Oh.
Do you want a dance?
Uh, no, thanks.
Do you want some yams?
No, thanks.
I'm Amber.
I'm Ted.
Actually, I'm Tracey.
Still Ted.
And that, kids,
is the true story of
how I met your mother.
What?
I'm kidding.