When you meet
someone special suddenly
life is full of firsts.
The first kiss.
The first night together.
The first weekend together.
For me,
all those firsts happened
within 48 hours of
meeting Victoria.
They've gotta come out soon.
It's Monday.
Do you think
they've been in there
the whole time?
I... I don't know
whether to be proud
or concerned.
Maybe they're
not even in there.
Morning.
Hey, guys.
I'm just gonna
ignore that.
Thank you.
I wish you could stay.
I know. Me, too.
But I have to go to work,
and you have that meeting.
Call you afterwards?
I'll inappropriately
text you during.
Bye.
Oh, Victoria. You're here...
Toodle-oo!
Two days straight!
Wow! Your room must smell
like a monkey cage.
Come on, give us a number.
Lily guessed eight,
but I know my boy
got the double digits!
Zero.
What?
Guys, we just met.
And we both screwed up
relationships in the past
by jumping in too quick.
So we talked about it
and we decided to
take this one slow.
Her idea.
Totally her idea!
But I don't know.
I'm really into this girl.
And if going slow
is what it takes
to make this happen,
I say, bring it on.
I don't feel so good.
It's like my testicles
mixed pop rocks and soda.
I can't believe
she's making you wait
a whole month.
I would never
put up with that.
You've only had sex with
one girl in your whole life.
Burn!
Ted, the only reason
to wait a month for sex
is if the girl is 17 years,
11 months old.
Good news!
I don't have to cover
the cat show tomorrow night.
Who's up for hanging out?
Oh, I can't.
I'm taking Victoria
out for dinner.
Oh, we can't.
It's our
nine-year anniversary.
Wow! Nine years?
Your relationship's
a fourth grader.
Congrats.
Thanks.
We're going to the Berkshires
for the maple syrup harvest.
It's one of
New York magazine's
top five romantic
getaways on a budget.
Who says sexual
can't be sensible?
Well, looks like
it's gonna be
just you and me.
Really?
Actually,
I was talking to my martini.
Ready to go?
Hell, yeah.
Nothing better than a weekend
at a good bed-and-breakfast.
Yeah. Waking up for breakfast
at 7:00 a.m. Sharp.
Complimenting the owners
on their collection
of needlepoint geese.
Awkward conversations
with middle-aged couples
trying to stave off divorce.
Yeah, well,
we'd better get going.
It's like a four-hour drive.
And it's supposed
to rain tonight.
Or we could just stay home.
Maybe watch some TV?
Order in some Chinese.
Oh, Szechwan Garden.
Are we really bailing?
Hell, yeah.
Good,
'cause this thing's empty.
$100 says when you turn
around I say, "Wow!"
Barney, this is the third time
you've hit on me by accident!
It's one of the many risks
of the blind approach.
It's usually
a two-man operation
where Ted signals
if the target is hot.
But Ted's too busy being
in a lesbian relationship.
Why don't you just check out
the girl's reflection
in the bar mirror?
You can't...
Wow!
Hey! What's taking so long?
I gotta go.
Not so fast, Scherbatsky.
I like the way you think.
That mirror thing.
Simple. Elegant.
Okay, limited time offer.
I need a bro,
for my bro-ings-on about town.
How would you
like to be said bro?
Well, as tempting
as that sounds,
I'm hanging out
with my friend
who just got dumped.
She really needs
some support,
or a stranger's tongue
down her throat.
That seems healthy.
All right!
Guess I'm in.
So, one more week
and it'll be a month.
Really, are you sure?
Wow. That snuck up on me.
Oh, come on!
The 18th can't get
here fast enough.
Wait, the 18th?
Oh, crap! I can't
believe I forgot this.
I'm gonna be out
of town on the 18th.
Oh, well, um, we can just
wait until you get back.
I mean, the whole point
was not to rush into this.
Yeah.
Or we could do it tonight.
75th and Amsterdam.
I'm so glad we decided
to just stay home.
Oh, I know.
Can you imagine
if we'd gone?
We'd be just
getting there now,
all tired and cranky.
And yet, we'd feel
obligated to have sex.
Yeah, for 89 bucks a night,
we're doing it.
I would like to
propose a toast
to the most awesomely
mellow anniversary ever.
Mmm.
I'm so glad you have to go
to your parents next weekend.
I'm so glad your roommates
are out of town.
Oh, my God!
What are they doing home?
They think we went away.
Oh, it is on
for my boy Ted!
But we didn't go away.
We're in the bathroom.
Well, they don't know that.
All we have to do is
hide out in here
until Ted moves his mojo
into the bedroom.
But I don't want
to hide out in here.
Honey, Ted has been
going out of his mind
waiting for this.
If we go out there
and spoil the mood,
it's not gonna happen.
Then one of us is gonna
have to have sex with Ted.
And, not gonna be me.
Okay, fine.
I guess I'll actually floss.
You suited up!
Well, I figured
if I'm gonna do this,
I'm gonna do this right.
Emilio,
the woman will have...
Um, I'll have
a Johnnie Walker Blue, neat,
and a Montecristo No. 2.
Thanks.
Uh, the No. 2.
A.k.a the Torpedo.
Or, as the rulers
call it, Piramide.
My father was
a cigar fanatic.
It was the only way
to get his attention.
Father issues. Hot.
I know.
I was this close to
being a huge slut.
Slut would have been better.
But I'll settle for bro.
Especially now that
Ted's with Victoria
and can't drink.
Because he's pregnant.
'Cause he's the girl.
Oh, come on.
Ted can't be pregnant.
You need to have sex
to get pregnant.
What up!
Freeze frame, high five!
I think this may be
a perfect moment.
I wish we could
hold on to it forever.
No.
Because the beauty
of a moment is that
it's fleeting.
By its very nature,
it slips through our fingers.
Making it that
much more precious.
Oh, that is bad.
That is like
high-school-literary-magazine
bad!
And they're not even high.
And it's actually working.
Yeah, super slowly.
God, close the deal already.
It's been like 45 minutes.
We could've had sex
three times by now.
Yeah, try five!
What up.
Hey, maybe we should
just go out there.
No way!
We can't go out there now.
They'll know that we've been
sitting in the bathroom
the whole time.
It'll be too weird.
Fine.
But if we're stuck in here,
I'm turning up the volume.
I want to know you.
Like, know your soul.
Ted, what makes you cry?
Honey,
could you hold my hair back?
I think I'm gonna hurl.
So, what do you
and Ted usually do
after the cigar bar?
Are you kidding?
Ted's never been here.
You've already flown higher
and faster than he ever did.
Still.
What?
Ah.
There is one other thing
we could do.
If you're up for it.
I had no idea
laser tag still existed!
Yeah, well, enjoy it
before it becomes cool again.
I give it two months.
Oh, I believe it.
This is awesome!
Okay,
follow my lead, stay low,
and never underestimate
a 12-year-old with a...
Scherbatsky!
You gotta focus!
You just saved my life,
didn't you?
Thank me later.
Let's keep moving.
These little bastards
are everywhere.
He's just
staring into her eyes!
I don't know.
We used to be even more
nauseatingly into each other
than Ted and Victoria.
Now look at us.
Yeah, now we just make fun
of people like that.
It's the circle of life.
I'm serious, Marshall.
I mean,
we couldn't even get it up
to go on our big trip.
And now we're celebrating
our anniversary
stuck in a bathroom.
Well, it's not fair
to compare us to
Ted and Victoria.
I mean,
this is their first time.
Yeah, but we could still
have some more romance.
Now you just say,
"Wanna do it,"
and I say, "Yeah."
Wanna...
No!
Maybe we're just
out of firsts.
Looks like they're
about to have theirs.
Should we take this
to the bedroom?
Yes!
Yes.
Yes!
No! No, don't answer it.
You can answer it.
We have all night.
You're answering it?
He's answering it!
No! Do her!
Do her now!
Sure. Good luck with that.
Sorry about that.
How about
a little more wine?
I'll get another bottle.
Okay.
I need a drink.
Do we have any
cough syrup in here?
Ambush! Ambush! Ambush!
Oh, God!
These brats have us
completely surrounded!
I counted nine, maybe ten.
I'll lay down some cover fire.
You make a run for it.
No! Leave no man behind.
Either we all
get out of here,
or no one does.
But, I...
Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!
See you on the other side.
Mother!
Damn.
Wanna go get a soft pretzel?
Yeah.
All right.
Marshall,
what happened to us?
I mean, we used to just
stare into each others' eyes
all night long.
Have we lost that?
Maybe.
But I think I just found it.
Right here.
Baby, I'm giving you
sexy smoldering with
just-a-hint-of-crazy eyes.
Ooh.
Okay, well, get ready
for my sex-ray vision.
Did you remember to pick up
the dry cleaning?
Oh, damn it!
It's all right.
We can do this.
Let's just hold hands.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Oh.
You love that move!
It's the classic Marshall.
Great.
We totally suck at this.
And we really, really
need to get out of here!
Well, we can't.
Baby, there's something
I have to do.
And if I do it
in front of you,
it'll change the entire
nature of our relationship.
What is it?
I have to pee.
This is bad.
We've gone nine years
without peeing in
front of each other.
You always think
there'll be more time.
Look at us.
We're basically
an old married couple
and we're not even
married yet.
The flame of our romance
is flickering
and if I pee all over it,
it might go out forever!
How much longer do you think
you can hold it?
I drank a Big Gulp
of Mountain Dew
during that
Quantum Leap marathon.
Oh, boy.
Playing laser tag
really takes me back.
And you know
what game I really miss?
Battleship.
I've never lost a game.
Neither have I.
Of course, I cheat.
Oh, yeah. Me, too.
The trick is to bend
the aircraft carrier
so it makes an "L."
I always just stacked
the ships on top
of each other.
Nice! You know, we should have
a cheaters grudge match.
I think I still have a...
Hello. Target acquired.
Hottie by the jukebox.
Oh, good eye, Scherbatsky.
I got someone for you.
Two o'clock. Blue shirt.
That's a woman.
Oh, my mistake.
Or is it?
Let's just focus
on your target.
Right.
There. I got this one.
Oh, my God!
I love your jeans!
Okay, is this a lesbian bar?
Because that girl
with the blue shirt just...
Oh, no.
I am all about the dudes.
Although, pickings
are pretty slim tonight.
Only hot guy here is
blondie in the suit,
and he's playing hard to get.
Really?
'Cause he's totally
vibing me right now.
Must be the jeans.
Well, jeans will
only get you so far.
I'm going home with him.
We'll see about that.
Oh, my God, I hate Ted!
I hate him so much!
Baby, why don't you just go?
Tons of other couples have
peed in front of each other.
I know, but we haven't
because I want to keep
some of the mystery alive.
Well, you have
farted in front of me.
Yes, but I always
cover it with a cough.
You always do.
Hey.
Let's get outta here.
Let's go somewhere else.
Well, what happened?
Ah, sometimes I like to do
a little catch-and-release.
But why?
Leave no man behind.
Either we all score,
or no one scores.
Right on.
Hey, you wanna
go play Battleship?
Hit!
Ted, I can't wait
any longer.
Should we move
to the bedroom?
There's no time for that.
So, they can suck on
each others' fingers
for an hour,
but there's no time
to take two steps
to the bedroom?
Baby, I can't
hold it in any longer!
It's time!
I know.
I love you, Marshall.
I love you, Lily.
Here we go.
You know, Barney, I had
a surprisingly good time
bro-ing out tonight.
Well, you make a good bro.
You're a better Ted than Ted.
Hey, in fact, you have
just earned yourself
an invite to
Marshall's bachelor party.
And you don't even have
to come out of the cake.
Thanks. And, um, thanks
for sticking around tonight.
I hope you're ready
for some hardcore Battleship.
Come on, boys.
"Hardcore"?
That's the only way I play.
Oh, I found it.
Are you ready to...
What the hell are you doing?
I'm birthday-suiting up.
I'm sorry.
Did you want to undress me?
No! I thought we were
just hanging out as friends!
Oh, come on!
You have been throwing
yourself at me all night!
What? I did the opposite!
I threw some
other girl at you!
You invited me up
to your apartment
to "play Battleship"!
Is that not an internationally
recognized term for sex?
No!
Great.
I hope you're happy.
You sunk my battleship.
I'm okay. Are you okay?
I feel the same.
And, yet,
strangely different.
Yeah, I'm happy
for my bladder,
yet sad for us.
Look, you had to do it,
sweetie.
For Ted.
And, hey, look, at least
now we can stay in here
as long as it takes.
Yeah, I... I guess
our relationship
had to take a hit,
so a new one out there
could blossom.
Oh, crap!
They must've heard that.
Well, I guess
we can come out now.
I don't believe it,
they're gone.
Good.
'Cause I gotta take a whiz.
Okay. You and me?
That's insane.
If you even thought about it
for one second...
But I have thought
about it for three seconds,
and it makes a lot of sense.
We both think
the marriage-commitment
thing's a drag.
We both want something
casual and fun.
And we clearly
get along really well.
Wow, that actually did
make a lot of sense.
But what about Ted?
I checked with Ted.
Hey, Ted. So now that
things with you and Victoria
are going pretty well
I assume you're
probably over all the girls
you were into before, right?
I take your silence as a yes,
so, ergo, therefore,
say I were to hook up
with someone, say,
I don't know, Robin,
you'd be cool
with that, right?
Sure, good luck with that.
Totally gave us his blessing.
Really?
Really.
So, Ted didn't care
that you wanted to
make a move on me?
Didn't care at all.
Oh.
What?
You like Ted!
I didn't say that
I liked Ted, I...
You like Ted!
Wow! This is huge.
Barney, I don't like Ted.
He's moved on
and I'm really happy for...
Yeah, yeah.
Look, are we gonna play
Battleship or what?
You're not gonna
tell him, are you?
No.
That's the bro code.
A bro doesn't tell
a mutual bro that
a third bro has
a crush on him.
Just like the third bro
doesn't tell the mutual bro
that the original bro
went bare pickle
in front of her.
It's quid pro bro.
A7.
Miss.
Of course.
Well, we still have
one frontier left.
Still got the deuce.
You're not
making me feel better.
Well, it certainly
was a first.
It was, wasn't it?
We still have firsts.
Of course we do.
And you know what?
I actually feel
closer to you now.
I wanna know you.
Like, know your soul.
Marshall, what makes you cry?
This moment is fleeting
because it's being chased
by another moment.
Oh, just grab
my boob already!
Come on, guys. Get a room.