When your Uncle Marshall
was 10 years old,
he read a book called
Life Among The Gorillas.
It was written by
an anthropologist named
Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,
and it told the story
of the year she spent living
among the western lowland
gorillas of Cameroon.
When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez
came to the local
community college
to give a lecture,
Marshall, the youngest member
of the audience,
raised his hand
with a question.
Hmm?
What advice do you have
for a budding anthropologist?
So you want to be
an anthropologist?
Yep. When I grow up,
I want to go live
with the gorillas,
just like you did.
What she said next
changed his life.
Oh, that's wonderful,
but I'm afraid you can't.
They'll all be dead by then.
And if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions
aren't enforced,
the destruction
of the rainforests
will continue,
and over a million species
will be wiped out.
So you don't want coffee?
I'm saying that
the coffee industry
is causing irreversible...
All right,
I'm pouring it out.
Okay, one cup.
Kid needs
to be alert.
First day on the job
and everything.
Still can't believe
you're going
all corporate on us.
The Kid has
become the man.
Okay, it's just
an internship to make
a little money.
After law school,
I'm still gonna
work for the NRDC:
They're gonna
stop global warming.
Well, I mean,
they did their best.
Here's your sack lunch.
Okay. I love you because,
one, you made me a sack lunch,
and, two, you laugh
every time you say
the word "sack."
I love you,
Marshmallow.
I love you.
I love you, too,
Marshmallow.
Uh-oh.
Ted?
Oh, no!
No, she didn't.
Yeah.
Yeah, she did.
Another care package?
Another care package.
I'd been in
a long-distance relationship
with Victoria
for nearly a month.
Long-distance relationships
are a bad idea.
How many
is that so far?
Three.
And how many
have you sent her?
In the mail
or in my mind?
Zero.
She's up three-zip.
Oh! Cupcakes. Great.
I bet they're
delicious, too.
Yeah. They're delicious.
Damn it!
I don't deserve
these delicious cupcakes.
God, I hate myself
right now.
God, that is
so me at 15.
Marshall was going
to work for a big corporation
called Altrucel.
Altrucel was most well-known
for making the yellow
fuzzy stuff
on the surface
of tennis balls.
I mean,
this was a huge company,
so they did other things.
But mostly,
they wanted the public
to focus on
the yellow fuzzy stuff.
Anyway, Marshall managed
to score an internship
in their legal department
because he knew someone
who worked there.
Go for Barney.
Mr. Stinson, this is Willis
from lobby security.
Sorry to bother you,
but we've had reports
of a Sasquatch
loose in the building.
A Sasquatch?
That's right, sir.
A Bigfoot.
We don't want to alarm you,
but he's been spotted
on your floor.
Yes! Look at you.
You're suited
in an unmistakably
upward direction.
Whoa! That is a butt-load
of motivational posters.
Yeah. Hell, yeah.
I got them all.
"Teamwork, courage,
awesomeness."
There's one for
"awesomeness"?
Yeah.
I had it made.
Huh.
Sit.
Hey, so, now that
I'm working here,
are you finally gonna
tell me exactly
what your job is?
Please.
My dawg!
Hey, Blauman, Bilson,
this is Marshall.
These guys are in legal.
You're gonna be
working with them.
Marshall Eriksen.
Nice to meet you.
Nice tie.
Steak sauce.
Oh, steak sauce!
For true, though.
Where?
I don't see any...
Marshall, sidebar.
Your tie is steak sauce.
It means A-1.
A-1? Get it?
Try to keep up.
Okay, Eriksen.
Let's get to work.
It's 2:00 a.m.
It's raining outside.
Ding-dong.
What? The doorbell?
Oh, hello, Jessica Alba
in a trench coat
and nothing else.
But wait.
Knock, knock.
Somebody's
at the back door?
I don't have
a back door, so...
Oh, my gosh.
Jessica Simpson?
What a surprise.
Two Jessicas.
You gotta pick one.
What do you do? Go.
Right, well,
I'm engaged, so...
Fiancee's out of town.
What do you do? Go!
We're still engaged,
even if she's out...
Okay, fiancee's dead.
Hit by a bus.
What do you do? Go.
Mmm.
Sure you don't want one?
How many of those
have you eaten?
Four... teen.
No. Just four.
And the icing
from two more.
Mmm.
So, anyway.
Here's the problem.
Hey, it's Ted.
Um, I guess you're asleep.
Anyway,
I got the care package
and it's just great.
Here, listen.
So, I'm standing there,
my mouth full
of this delicious,
relationship-winning cupcake,
and I said something dumb.
Oh, and don't worry.
Yours is in the mail.
I sent it a couple days ago.
And it's awesome.
Really, really awesome.
Why did I say that?
I think frosting
makes me lie.
Oh, Teddy boy.
Yeah. So now,
whatever I send her,
she'll know I sent it
after I talked to her.
So, that's the problem.
You work on that.
I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
All right,
here's what you do.
Put together
a care package of stuff
from New York.
Some H&H Bagels,
an Empire State
Building key chain,
and then top off the package
with a New York Times, ready?
From three days ago.
That's brilliant.
You're brilliant.
Oh.
You know, it's funny,
not so long ago,
I was coming
to Marshall and Lily
for advice
on how to impress you.
That is funny.
And here's why it was funny.
Little did I realize,
a few weeks earlier,
here's what Robin
was saying to Lily
about me.
Okay, fine!
I have feelings for him.
Now, it's ironic
the girl I used to like
is helping me impress
the girl I now like.
The irony is clear, Ted.
Hey! How was your first day?
I don't want
to talk about it.
The guys I work with
are a bunch of jerks.
What?
They're jerks.
Well, what makes them jerks?
Forget it.
I don't want
to talk about it.
Well, like today at lunch.
What you got
there, Eriksen?
Mommy pack
your lunch?
For your information,
my fiancee did.
Oh. Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?
No.
What's that?
Nothing.
Give it!
"Dear Marshmallow,
good luck today.
I love you! Lilypad."
Give it!
"P.S. If you've
unfolded this note,
"your kiss already got out.
Quick, catch it!"
Give it back!
Hey, give it!
Give me...
Give it!
Oh, screw those guys!
We're adorable.
I know.
God! It's like freshman year,
all over again.
Only, this time,
my sweet dance moves
aren't gonna be enough
to win them over.
Not even Old Reliable.
Sweetie, it would be cool
to have some extra money,
but... but if you're unhappy,
it's not worth it.
I quit.
What? No. You...
We're having so much fun.
You, me, working together.
It's great.
We're not even
working together, Barney.
I'm in the legal department
and you're...
Seriously,
what is it that you do?
Please.
I'm sorry.
Dude, this corporate thing,
it's just... It's not for me.
No, of course
it's not for you.
It's for Lily.
What?
Marshall,
Lily's a catch.
But do you really
think you're gonna
hang on to a girl that great
without the package?
The package?
The package.
The house, the car,
sending your kids
to a great school.
A vacation
once in a while.
Lily doesn't care
about that stuff.
Well, no.
Now she doesn't.
But how's she gonna feel
in a couple of years
when she's supporting you
on a kindergarten teacher's
salary,
while you're off in court,
defending some endangered
South American flying beaver.
I know.
She'll be happy.
Okay.
But will you be happy,
knowing you could have
made her a lot happier?
And all four
are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.
What do you do? Go.
I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.
Wrong. Betty White.
Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
So, did she get
the awesome care package yet?
Yep. Yesterday.
Did she love it?
Oh, she loved it.
So what's the problem?
So I was talking
to her last night,
and I should tell you,
we've been
talking on the phone
every other night
for, like,
an hour and a half.
Eventually, you just
run out of stuff to say.
What did you have
for lunch today?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, rye bread.
Oh.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, Teddy boy.
I'm usually so good
at being a boyfriend,
but this
never-seeing-each-other
thing, it's a bitch.
Maybe it just
can't be done.
I think it's clear
what I have to do.
It's pretty clear.
I have to go to Germany
and surprise her.
Totally what I was thinking.
Get out of my head, man.
Barney,
how do I get these idiots
to leave me alone?
Marshall,
consider the penguins.
The penguins?
On the wall.
"Conformity.
"It's the one
who's different
"that gets left
out in the cold."
This is
a motivational poster?
Look at yourself,
Marshall.
You're not happy.
And you know why?
Because you're different.
Now, I suppose you could learn
to love yourself
for the unique
little snowflake
that you are.
Or you could change
your entire personality,
which is just so much easier.
Change your personality?
That is so awful.
And not at all
motivational.
Not necessarily.
Okay, at first,
I was appalled.
But then I realized
it's just like
Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez
in Life Among The Gorillas.
No, I have to gain
the acceptance
of the herd
by behaving
exactly like
one of them.
It's an
anthropological study.
Isn't that cool?
Well, it sounds
kind of like peer pressure.
No, no, no.
It's totally
anthropological.
And it's cool.
And I'm doing it.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it's peer pressure.
We have
an assembly every year.
I'm portraying
someone who succumbs
to peer pressure.
All right.
But if those guys
try to pressure you
to smoke, what do you say?
Only when I'm drunk.
Good boy.
And so,
to fit in with the gorillas,
Marshall had to learn
to act like a gorilla.
And that meant
gorilla lessons.
Okay. I'm psyched about this.
But if I'm gonna mentor you,
I need to know
you're psyched
about this, too.
Oh, I am.
I'm psyched.
Yeah,
but it's one thing
to say it.
It's another thing
to show it.
Show it.
I'm psyched!
What was that?
Marshall, I should feel
tremors of psychetude
rock my body
like a seizure.
That was like a declawed,
pregnant cat
on a porch swing
idly swatting at a fly
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Wow,
that was really specific.
Show me you're psyched!
Let's do this!
Gol, that hurt!
So badly!
And then you
slip it to the guy
with a discreet handshake,
and he'll get it done.
Right.
Get what done?
Whatever.
Cool.
And what guy is this?
There's always a guy.
Okay. All right.
I think I'm ready.
You sure?
You want to
practice your story
one more time?
All right.
So, dude, check it.
I'm in San Diego
with two of my
brosephs from Kappa,
and they're all,
"Yo, Eriksen, let's roll
to the strip clubs!"
So, I'm like,
"A-snappa-doo!"
So we find this
choice nudie nest
near the airport...
And that is when the bouncer
kicked us out.
Now, I have no idea
if Svetlana ever
got her green card,
but, dudes,
fake diamond ring?
Worth every penny, bro.
Eriksen,
that was steak sauce!
Awesome, bro.
Yeah. Yeah.
Get out!
Great story.
The next morning,
I was about to buy
my ticket to Germany
when I got an e-mail.
Uh-oh.
"Hey, Ted. Sorry I missed
your call last night.
"This long-distance
thing sucks, huh?
"Listen, I've been thinking
and I really need to
talk to you tonight.
"I'll call you at 11:00.
Victoria."
So?
She's gonna dump me.
Has anyone ever said,
"Listen, I've been thinking,"
and then followed it up
with something good?
It's not like,
"Listen, I've been thinking,
"Nutter Butters are
an underrated cookie."
What else could it be?
What could she
possibly have to say to me
that she couldn't
write in an e-mail?
"I cut off all my fingers."
Ted, you're a great guy.
I know it.
You know it. She knows it.
I would bet you
a gazillion dollars...
No, I'm even more confident.
I would bet you
a floppity jillion dollars
that she's not calling
to break up with you.
Thanks. You're right.
I'm being crazy.
So I should still buy
that plane ticket, right?
I'd wait.
'Sup, Blauman.
E-Bomb here.
We still on for karaoke?
Dope!
I'm gonna rock you
on the mike so hard
your ears are
gonna bleed gravy.
Catch you on the flip,
butt puppet.
Okay.
What do you think?
Steak sauce.
Steak sauce?
Yeah.
Yeah, look, you know,
whatever anthropology
you do at work
is your business.
But, please,
don't act like that
around here.
Lily, when
Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...
No, when Dr. Australia
Birdbath-Vaseline came home
from the gorillas,
she didn't run around
picking nits
out of people's hair
and... and throwing feces.
I'm begging you.
Just... Just leave it
at the office.
Why?
Because you're acting
like one of those guys,
and those guys are lame.
Okay, those guys
were mean at first, yes.
But they're
actually good guys,
and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.
Look, come karaoke
with us tonight,
and you'll see how totally
not that lame they are.
Okay?
Okay.
But, wait.
Knock, knock,
back door.
Who's there?
Angelina Jolie,
wait,
in a wheelchair.
What do you do? Go.
Dude, Scarlett Johansson
with no arms
any day of the week!
You're right.
They're delightful.
So, Barney,
you gonna sing anything?
I'm so over karaoke.
Really? I thought
you'd be totally into it.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
I'm good.
The best, really.
But it's the greatest samurai
who lets his sword rust
in its scabbard.
Oh, baby,
they have our song.
Let's do
Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
What?
Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
Elton John. Kiki Dee.
No way.
You gotta go with
some Black Sabbath.
Ooh!
Well, actually,
Marshall and I have
this little
dance routine we do...
Iron Man.
I could do Iron Man.
Steak sauce.
Steak sauce, dude.
Should we tell him?
All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.
On Monday,
Bilson and I are gonna talk
to Montague in HR.
When you graduate,
we want you working with us.
What do you say?
Yes!
My man!
I told you he would.
We are gonna
have a hoot.
Oh, we're gonna
own the office.
Steak sauce.
Okay, that was gross.
When were you gonna tell me
you changed your
entire career path?
Nothing has changed, okay?
I still want to help
the environment.
I just thought that maybe
I can make some money
for a few years.
We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.
You could quit your job
and focus on your painting.
I know that you say
you don't need it,
but I love you and I want to
give it to you anyway.
I want to give you
the package.
The package?
You've already
given me the package.
You've got a great package,
Marshall.
I love your package.
Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know
and you deserve
a big package.
Your package
has always been big enough.
You may not realize this,
Marshall Eriksen,
but you've got
a huge package.
Yeah.
Hello?
Why hasn't she called yet?
Okay, you're making
yourself crazy.
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
No, what's the point
of going out?
I got a girlfriend.
For now.
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
I'm, like,
half your viewership.
I'm flattered
you think we
have two viewers.
She's not gonna
break up with you, Ted.
You're awesome.
Thanks.
Anyway, it's almost 11:00.
I should let you go.
Break a leg.
And so,
as I sat at home,
waiting for the phone to ring,
something occurred to me.
I'm actually sitting at home,
waiting for the phone
to ring.
but not in his bed
Marshall.
Hey.
Dude, I feel like
I haven't seen you
in a month.
Yeah.
Yeah. How're you doing?
I think Victoria's
about to break up with me.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, man.
Yeah, well,
honestly, I'm having
trouble remembering
what she looks like.
The more I try
to picture her,
the more I can't.
Like, I remember
how she makes me feel,
I just don't
completely
remember her.
It's like I'm trying
to preserve something
that's already gone.
Preserving something
that's already gone.
Sounds like
environmental law.
I don't know.
I mean, we struggle so hard
to hold on to these things
that we know
are gonna
disappear eventually.
And that's really noble.
But even if you
save every rainforest
from being turned
into a parking lot,
well, then,
where are you
gonna park your car?
and they're done dirt cheap
Ow!
Rockupied.
Dude, what...
Next up,
Marshmallow and Lilypad.
It turns out
some things are
worth preserving.
But here's the real question.
It's 2:00 a.m.
Your friends are
still out singing karaoke,
but you're home early,
because you're
expecting a call
from your girlfriend
in Germany
who was supposed
to call four hours ago.
And then the phone rings.
Hello?
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
Um, listen,
I know it's late,
but, uh,
do you want
to come over?
What do you do? Go.