1 00:00:14,483 --> 00:00:16,652 Her favorite CD 2 00:00:14,483 --> 00:00:16,652 in the Otis Redding 3 00:00:14,483 --> 00:00:16,652 box set? 4 00:00:16,693 --> 00:00:18,111 Disk three. 5 00:00:18,153 --> 00:00:20,447 My favorite? 6 00:00:18,153 --> 00:00:20,447 Any guesses? Anyone? 7 00:00:20,489 --> 00:00:22,324 Come on. Disk three! 8 00:00:23,283 --> 00:00:24,910 God, Victoria's so amazing. 9 00:00:24,952 --> 00:00:26,036 I could talk 10 00:00:24,952 --> 00:00:26,036 about her for hours. 11 00:00:26,077 --> 00:00:28,121 What do you mean could? 12 00:00:28,163 --> 00:00:30,123 I'm sorry. It's just... 13 00:00:30,165 --> 00:00:32,501 God, I'm... I'm crazy 14 00:00:30,165 --> 00:00:32,501 about this girl. 15 00:00:32,542 --> 00:00:33,961 It feels like, maybe... 16 00:00:34,003 --> 00:00:35,211 I don't wanna say it. 17 00:00:35,253 --> 00:00:38,173 Trust that impulse, Ted. 18 00:00:38,214 --> 00:00:41,259 Hey, something kind of cool 19 00:00:38,214 --> 00:00:41,259 just happened. 20 00:00:41,301 --> 00:00:43,386 My story on Pickles, 21 00:00:41,301 --> 00:00:43,386 the singing dog, 22 00:00:43,428 --> 00:00:46,306 just got nominated 23 00:00:43,428 --> 00:00:46,306 for a Local Area Media Award. 24 00:00:47,265 --> 00:00:49,184 A LAMA? 25 00:00:49,225 --> 00:00:51,269 We prefer 26 00:00:49,225 --> 00:00:51,269 Local Area Media Award. 27 00:00:52,646 --> 00:00:54,272 There's gonna be 28 00:00:52,646 --> 00:00:54,272 this big banquet. 29 00:00:54,314 --> 00:00:55,983 I know these things 30 00:00:54,314 --> 00:00:55,983 aren't much fun, 31 00:00:56,025 --> 00:00:57,943 but it would 32 00:00:56,025 --> 00:00:57,943 really mean a lot to me 33 00:00:56,025 --> 00:00:57,943 if you guys came. 34 00:00:57,985 --> 00:00:59,486 Oh, well... 35 00:00:59,528 --> 00:01:00,779 And there's an open bar. 36 00:01:00,821 --> 00:01:01,947 Oh, yes! 37 00:01:00,821 --> 00:01:01,947 Word up! 38 00:01:01,989 --> 00:01:04,074 Put me down for two. 39 00:01:04,115 --> 00:01:06,201 Really? It's 40 00:01:04,115 --> 00:01:06,201 three months away. 41 00:01:04,115 --> 00:01:06,201 I know. 42 00:01:06,242 --> 00:01:09,496 But, guys, I'm sorry, 43 00:01:06,242 --> 00:01:09,496 I'm gonna say it. 44 00:01:09,538 --> 00:01:13,000 I have a feeling 45 00:01:09,538 --> 00:01:13,000 Victoria's gonna be 46 00:01:09,538 --> 00:01:13,000 around for a long time. 47 00:01:14,250 --> 00:01:16,586 I'm gonna miss Victoria. 48 00:01:16,628 --> 00:01:18,213 I should just skip 49 00:01:16,628 --> 00:01:18,213 this thing entirely. 50 00:01:18,254 --> 00:01:21,466 Robin is still pissed 51 00:01:18,254 --> 00:01:21,466 at me after, you know... 52 00:01:21,508 --> 00:01:24,094 You lied and said you were 53 00:01:21,508 --> 00:01:24,094 broken up with Victoria 54 00:01:21,508 --> 00:01:24,094 before you actually were, 55 00:01:24,135 --> 00:01:25,804 so you could try 56 00:01:24,135 --> 00:01:25,804 to nail Robin, 57 00:01:25,846 --> 00:01:28,807 and you wound up 58 00:01:25,846 --> 00:01:28,807 losing both girls 59 00:01:25,846 --> 00:01:28,807 in one night. 60 00:01:28,849 --> 00:01:32,102 Yes, that's what I meant by, 61 00:01:28,849 --> 00:01:32,102 "You know..." 62 00:01:32,143 --> 00:01:35,271 I haven't seen her 63 00:01:32,143 --> 00:01:35,271 in three weeks. 64 00:01:32,143 --> 00:01:35,271 She won't return my calls. 65 00:01:35,313 --> 00:01:36,606 Look, I shouldn't go. 66 00:01:36,648 --> 00:01:38,108 You should definitely go. 67 00:01:38,149 --> 00:01:39,568 Look, it's a chance 68 00:01:38,149 --> 00:01:39,568 to show her 69 00:01:39,609 --> 00:01:41,236 you're still friends 70 00:01:39,609 --> 00:01:41,236 and that you support her. 71 00:01:41,277 --> 00:01:42,905 Or it's a chance to mess 72 00:01:41,277 --> 00:01:42,905 with her head 73 00:01:42,946 --> 00:01:44,698 by showing up 74 00:01:42,946 --> 00:01:44,698 with someone hotter. 75 00:01:44,740 --> 00:01:47,784 Even better, triple threat, 76 00:01:44,740 --> 00:01:47,784 hotter and bigger boobs. 77 00:01:47,826 --> 00:01:50,787 That's only two. 78 00:01:47,826 --> 00:01:50,787 Count again. 79 00:01:50,829 --> 00:01:53,331 Barney, I'm not bringing 80 00:01:50,829 --> 00:01:53,331 a date even if I wanted to. 81 00:01:53,373 --> 00:01:54,833 The thing's in two hours. 82 00:01:54,875 --> 00:01:55,918 So get an escort. 83 00:01:55,959 --> 00:01:58,045 By escort, 84 00:01:55,959 --> 00:01:58,045 you mean prostitute? 85 00:01:58,087 --> 00:01:59,170 Why not? 86 00:01:59,212 --> 00:02:00,714 Because gross? 87 00:02:01,673 --> 00:02:03,508 Oh, what, gross? 88 00:02:03,550 --> 00:02:05,928 What, you have some 89 00:02:03,550 --> 00:02:05,928 puritanical hang-up 90 00:02:03,550 --> 00:02:05,928 about prostitution? 91 00:02:05,969 --> 00:02:09,264 Dude, it's the world's 92 00:02:05,969 --> 00:02:09,264 oldest profession. 93 00:02:09,305 --> 00:02:10,557 You really think 94 00:02:09,305 --> 00:02:10,557 that's true? 95 00:02:10,599 --> 00:02:12,059 Oh, yeah. 96 00:02:12,101 --> 00:02:14,103 I bet even Cro-Magnons 97 00:02:12,101 --> 00:02:14,103 used to give cave-hookers, 98 00:02:14,144 --> 00:02:16,730 like, an extra fish 99 00:02:14,144 --> 00:02:16,730 for putting out. 100 00:02:16,772 --> 00:02:19,733 So, then, 101 00:02:16,772 --> 00:02:19,733 the oldest profession 102 00:02:16,772 --> 00:02:19,733 would be fisherman. Kaboom! 103 00:02:19,775 --> 00:02:23,486 You've been lawyered. 104 00:02:23,528 --> 00:02:26,656 Come on, Ted. 105 00:02:23,528 --> 00:02:26,656 Let's get you a hooker. 106 00:02:23,528 --> 00:02:26,656 It'll be fun. 107 00:02:26,698 --> 00:02:29,576 Okay. To bring to the banquet 108 00:02:26,698 --> 00:02:29,576 and hang out with ironically 109 00:02:29,618 --> 00:02:31,286 or to actually 110 00:02:29,618 --> 00:02:31,286 have sex with? 111 00:02:31,327 --> 00:02:32,454 Yes. 112 00:02:33,663 --> 00:02:37,292 No, it's illegal. 113 00:02:33,663 --> 00:02:37,292 And did I mention gross? 114 00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:40,712 That's adorable. 115 00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:40,712 Ted, you're such a hayseed. 116 00:02:40,754 --> 00:02:44,716 The companionship business 117 00:02:40,754 --> 00:02:44,716 is the growth industry 118 00:02:40,754 --> 00:02:44,716 of the 21st century. 119 00:02:44,758 --> 00:02:48,137 You do realize 120 00:02:44,758 --> 00:02:48,137 that one out of every 121 00:02:44,758 --> 00:02:48,137 eight adult women 122 00:02:48,178 --> 00:02:49,387 in America is a prostitute. 123 00:02:49,429 --> 00:02:51,014 You just made that up. 124 00:02:49,429 --> 00:02:51,014 Withdrawn. 125 00:02:51,056 --> 00:02:52,223 Lawyered. 126 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,478 The point is... 127 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,478 How long has it been? 128 00:02:58,605 --> 00:03:01,191 Fifty-seven days. 129 00:03:01,232 --> 00:03:02,859 Is that your water? 130 00:03:01,232 --> 00:03:02,859 May I? 131 00:03:01,232 --> 00:03:02,859 Yeah, go ahead. 132 00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:04,987 Much obliged. 133 00:03:05,028 --> 00:03:07,572 Fifty-seven days! 134 00:03:07,614 --> 00:03:09,491 Ted, you are in a slump. 135 00:03:09,532 --> 00:03:11,118 No, it's not a slump. 136 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,411 It's an intentional 137 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,411 hiatus from girls. 138 00:03:13,453 --> 00:03:16,289 A slump is 139 00:03:13,453 --> 00:03:16,289 when you strike out every time 140 00:03:13,453 --> 00:03:16,289 you step up to the plate, 141 00:03:16,331 --> 00:03:18,416 but I'm off the roster, baby. 142 00:03:18,458 --> 00:03:20,251 I'm in the locker room 143 00:03:18,458 --> 00:03:20,251 sitting in the whirlpool. 144 00:03:20,293 --> 00:03:22,963 And I'll tell you something, 145 00:03:20,293 --> 00:03:22,963 it feels pretty good. 146 00:03:23,005 --> 00:03:24,965 Yeah. You know what else 147 00:03:23,005 --> 00:03:24,965 is in that locker room? 148 00:03:25,007 --> 00:03:27,509 A bunch of naked dudes 149 00:03:25,007 --> 00:03:27,509 hanging brain. 150 00:03:28,718 --> 00:03:31,221 Ted, you need a lady, 151 00:03:31,262 --> 00:03:33,723 and I've got 152 00:03:31,262 --> 00:03:33,723 the next best thing. Mary. 153 00:03:33,765 --> 00:03:35,350 She lives in my building. 154 00:03:35,391 --> 00:03:37,477 She's smart. She's hot. 155 00:03:35,391 --> 00:03:37,477 She's totally cool. 156 00:03:37,519 --> 00:03:39,229 Oh, she sounds great. 157 00:03:39,270 --> 00:03:41,648 And, who knows, 158 00:03:39,270 --> 00:03:41,648 maybe we will wind up 159 00:03:39,270 --> 00:03:41,648 getting married someday, 160 00:03:41,690 --> 00:03:44,693 you know, if we can get 161 00:03:41,690 --> 00:03:44,693 a blessing from her pimp. 162 00:03:44,734 --> 00:03:47,112 You wanna judge 163 00:03:44,734 --> 00:03:47,112 a fellow human being 164 00:03:47,154 --> 00:03:49,781 based solely on 165 00:03:47,154 --> 00:03:49,781 one external characteristic? 166 00:03:49,823 --> 00:03:51,533 That's racism. 167 00:03:51,574 --> 00:03:53,827 And I do not drink 168 00:03:51,574 --> 00:03:53,827 with racists. 169 00:03:53,869 --> 00:03:55,204 Good day! 170 00:03:59,415 --> 00:04:01,626 You're just waiting 171 00:03:59,415 --> 00:04:01,626 for me to speak, 172 00:03:59,415 --> 00:04:01,626 so you can... 173 00:04:01,668 --> 00:04:03,419 I said good day! 174 00:04:05,338 --> 00:04:07,883 So should I wear my hair 175 00:04:05,338 --> 00:04:07,883 up or down? 176 00:04:10,219 --> 00:04:12,345 Lily. 177 00:04:10,219 --> 00:04:12,345 What? 178 00:04:12,387 --> 00:04:15,390 You okay? 179 00:04:12,387 --> 00:04:15,390 Oh, yeah. Sorry. 180 00:04:15,431 --> 00:04:17,976 I'm just exhausted from work. 181 00:04:18,018 --> 00:04:21,521 The stupid school board 182 00:04:18,018 --> 00:04:21,521 took away naptime in 183 00:04:18,018 --> 00:04:21,521 all kindergarten classes, 184 00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:25,192 and now the kids are 185 00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:25,192 just going crazy 186 00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:25,192 by the end of the day. 187 00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,527 And it's much harder 188 00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,527 to deal with 189 00:04:27,569 --> 00:04:30,030 because, well, 190 00:04:27,569 --> 00:04:30,030 I don't get my nap. 191 00:04:30,072 --> 00:04:31,948 Oh, wait, 192 00:04:30,072 --> 00:04:31,948 you were taking naps 193 00:04:30,072 --> 00:04:31,948 when the kids were? 194 00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:33,491 Is that safe? 195 00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:36,245 Oh, they're only five. 196 00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:36,245 What are they gonna do to me? 197 00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:40,623 Ted's still coming 198 00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:40,623 to this thing, right? 199 00:04:40,665 --> 00:04:42,542 Yep. 200 00:04:42,584 --> 00:04:45,003 Do you think, 201 00:04:42,584 --> 00:04:45,003 um, hypothetically, 202 00:04:45,045 --> 00:04:46,629 it would be weird 203 00:04:45,045 --> 00:04:46,629 if I bring a date? 204 00:04:47,672 --> 00:04:49,925 Look at you, Scherbatsky, 205 00:04:49,966 --> 00:04:52,010 blatantly trying to make 206 00:04:49,966 --> 00:04:52,010 Ted jealous. 207 00:04:52,052 --> 00:04:54,304 No, it's just this guy 208 00:04:52,052 --> 00:04:54,304 at the station. 209 00:04:54,345 --> 00:04:56,098 I never get involved 210 00:04:54,345 --> 00:04:56,098 with coworkers, 211 00:04:56,139 --> 00:04:58,267 but he asked me 212 00:04:56,139 --> 00:04:58,267 and I said yes. 213 00:04:58,308 --> 00:04:59,726 Is it gonna be weird? 214 00:04:59,768 --> 00:05:01,978 No, it's not gonna 215 00:04:59,768 --> 00:05:01,978 be weird at all. 216 00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:04,022 Robin's bringing a date. 217 00:05:04,064 --> 00:05:05,899 That's gonna be really weird. 218 00:05:05,941 --> 00:05:07,442 I know. 219 00:05:05,941 --> 00:05:07,442 Okay. 220 00:05:09,694 --> 00:05:11,362 Robin's bringing a date. 221 00:05:11,404 --> 00:05:13,615 Oh. Okay, that's not weird. 222 00:05:13,656 --> 00:05:15,992 She's bringing a date. 223 00:05:13,656 --> 00:05:15,992 I'm... I'm glad 224 00:05:13,656 --> 00:05:15,992 she's moving on. 225 00:05:16,034 --> 00:05:17,660 Dude, it's gonna be weird. 226 00:05:17,702 --> 00:05:19,246 No, it's fine. 227 00:05:19,288 --> 00:05:21,164 Look, in spite 228 00:05:19,288 --> 00:05:21,164 of whatever happened 229 00:05:19,288 --> 00:05:21,164 between us, 230 00:05:21,206 --> 00:05:22,582 Robin and I are still friends. 231 00:05:22,624 --> 00:05:23,792 I don't think it'll be weird. 232 00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:25,210 Yeah, it won't be weird. 233 00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:25,210 Thank you. 234 00:05:25,252 --> 00:05:27,670 Because you're gonna bring 235 00:05:25,252 --> 00:05:27,670 your own date. 236 00:05:27,712 --> 00:05:30,215 Hello, Barney. 237 00:05:27,712 --> 00:05:30,215 Hi, Mary. 238 00:05:30,257 --> 00:05:32,301 Have you met Ted? 239 00:05:41,059 --> 00:05:42,352 Nice to meet you, Ted. 240 00:05:42,393 --> 00:05:43,853 Hi, Mary. 241 00:05:43,895 --> 00:05:46,315 Wow! It's, uh, 242 00:05:43,895 --> 00:05:46,315 nice to meet you, too. 243 00:05:46,356 --> 00:05:48,066 So, we're going 244 00:05:46,356 --> 00:05:48,066 to an award show? 245 00:05:48,108 --> 00:05:49,859 Yep. Could you just excuse us 246 00:05:48,108 --> 00:05:49,859 for one minute? 247 00:05:49,901 --> 00:05:51,861 Barney? 248 00:05:49,901 --> 00:05:51,861 See you in two shakes, Mar. 249 00:05:51,903 --> 00:05:54,489 You two make 250 00:05:51,903 --> 00:05:54,489 yourselves comfortable. 251 00:05:55,573 --> 00:05:57,242 What the hell? 252 00:05:57,284 --> 00:05:59,619 Dude, your narrow-minded views 253 00:05:57,284 --> 00:05:59,619 on professional fornicators 254 00:05:59,661 --> 00:06:01,246 were harshing my mellow. 255 00:06:01,288 --> 00:06:02,914 So, I got you 256 00:06:01,288 --> 00:06:02,914 a date for the evening. 257 00:06:02,956 --> 00:06:05,250 You got me a hooker. 258 00:06:05,292 --> 00:06:08,128 A really hot... 259 00:06:05,292 --> 00:06:08,128 A hooker! 260 00:06:08,170 --> 00:06:10,213 Think about it. 261 00:06:08,170 --> 00:06:10,213 This is perfect. 262 00:06:10,255 --> 00:06:13,300 A, it will make 263 00:06:10,255 --> 00:06:13,300 Robin insanely jealous. 264 00:06:13,342 --> 00:06:15,844 B, you get to have 265 00:06:13,342 --> 00:06:15,844 sex with her. 266 00:06:15,885 --> 00:06:18,263 And C, maybe 267 00:06:15,885 --> 00:06:18,263 by getting to know Mary, 268 00:06:18,305 --> 00:06:20,682 you'll come 269 00:06:18,305 --> 00:06:20,682 to see that courtesans 270 00:06:18,305 --> 00:06:20,682 are people, too. 271 00:06:20,723 --> 00:06:24,853 And D, B all night long. 272 00:06:24,894 --> 00:06:27,438 I'm not taking a prostitute 273 00:06:24,894 --> 00:06:27,438 to Robin's banquet. 274 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,565 Dude, the only people 275 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,565 who will know are you, 276 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,565 me and Marshall. 277 00:06:29,607 --> 00:06:31,526 No one will suspect a thing. 278 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:34,696 They'll just see you 279 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:34,696 with this unbelievably 280 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:34,696 smoking hot girl and... 281 00:06:34,737 --> 00:06:38,700 Okay, yeah, 282 00:06:34,737 --> 00:06:38,700 that's a little 283 00:06:34,737 --> 00:06:38,700 bit suspicious. 284 00:06:38,741 --> 00:06:41,870 Look, I'm just trying 285 00:06:38,741 --> 00:06:41,870 to expand your horizons 286 00:06:38,741 --> 00:06:41,870 a little bit tonight. 287 00:06:41,911 --> 00:06:43,205 But if you're 288 00:06:41,911 --> 00:06:43,205 not interested, fine, 289 00:06:43,246 --> 00:06:45,040 I'm out 500 bucks. 290 00:06:43,246 --> 00:06:45,040 Whatever. 291 00:06:45,081 --> 00:06:46,541 Five hundred bucks, you? 292 00:06:46,582 --> 00:06:48,459 Ted, you're my cabron. 293 00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,086 You think I'm gonna 294 00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,086 stick you 295 00:06:50,128 --> 00:06:53,006 with some toothless tranny 296 00:06:50,128 --> 00:06:53,006 from the Port Authority? 297 00:06:53,048 --> 00:06:56,676 Look at how hot she is. 298 00:06:53,048 --> 00:06:56,676 Robin would be so jealous. 299 00:06:56,718 --> 00:06:59,888 I'm not trying 300 00:06:56,718 --> 00:06:59,888 to make Robin jealous, 301 00:06:56,718 --> 00:06:59,888 Barney. 302 00:06:59,929 --> 00:07:01,431 Look, I... 303 00:07:01,472 --> 00:07:04,767 Tell Mary thanks, 304 00:07:01,472 --> 00:07:04,767 but no thanks. 305 00:07:01,472 --> 00:07:04,767 I have a soul. 306 00:07:04,809 --> 00:07:07,520 And then 307 00:07:04,809 --> 00:07:07,520 your Uncle Marshall and I 308 00:07:04,809 --> 00:07:07,520 had one of our famous 309 00:07:07,562 --> 00:07:09,564 telepathic conversations. 310 00:07:09,605 --> 00:07:10,940 Check out Robin's date. 311 00:07:10,982 --> 00:07:12,275 I know. 312 00:07:12,317 --> 00:07:13,735 Is that who I think it is? 313 00:07:13,776 --> 00:07:17,280 Yep. It's Sandy Rivers. 314 00:07:17,322 --> 00:07:19,866 Sandy Rivers was 315 00:07:17,322 --> 00:07:19,866 the face of Metro News 1, 316 00:07:19,908 --> 00:07:22,952 the most low-budget 317 00:07:19,908 --> 00:07:22,952 cable news channel ever. 318 00:07:22,994 --> 00:07:25,496 Sandy time. Sandy time! 319 00:07:25,538 --> 00:07:29,251 He was best known 320 00:07:25,538 --> 00:07:29,251 for his morning segment 321 00:07:25,538 --> 00:07:29,251 in "Today's Paper," 322 00:07:29,292 --> 00:07:32,128 during which he literally 323 00:07:29,292 --> 00:07:32,128 flipped through today's paper 324 00:07:32,170 --> 00:07:33,838 reading it aloud to viewers. 325 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,592 Here we have on the front page 326 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,592 a story about a... 327 00:07:37,633 --> 00:07:39,594 I guess a guy 328 00:07:37,633 --> 00:07:39,594 in a superhero costume 329 00:07:39,635 --> 00:07:41,221 climbing 330 00:07:39,635 --> 00:07:41,221 the Empire State Building. 331 00:07:42,138 --> 00:07:44,724 Looks interesting. 332 00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:47,977 These idiotic 333 00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:47,977 filler pieces were 334 00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:47,977 a guilty pleasure of ours. 335 00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:50,813 Oh, which Sandy 336 00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:50,813 do we want today? 337 00:07:50,855 --> 00:07:52,982 French Sandy, 338 00:07:50,855 --> 00:07:52,982 porn-star Sandy... 339 00:07:53,024 --> 00:07:54,109 Yosemite Sandy, definitely. 340 00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:55,944 Excellent choice. 341 00:07:57,946 --> 00:07:59,614 I raised these as a child. 342 00:07:59,655 --> 00:08:00,907 I tell you it's not easy. 343 00:08:06,037 --> 00:08:08,873 I love this guy. 344 00:08:08,915 --> 00:08:11,042 I hate this guy. 345 00:08:13,962 --> 00:08:16,381 Hey. Hi. 346 00:08:13,962 --> 00:08:16,381 Hi. 347 00:08:16,423 --> 00:08:18,800 I'm Lily. 348 00:08:16,423 --> 00:08:18,800 I'm Mary. Nice to meet you. 349 00:08:18,841 --> 00:08:21,386 Mary is a friend of Barney's. 350 00:08:18,841 --> 00:08:21,386 Barney invited her. 351 00:08:21,428 --> 00:08:23,888 Just met Mary ourselves. 352 00:08:21,428 --> 00:08:23,888 Don't know too much 353 00:08:21,428 --> 00:08:23,888 about Mary. 354 00:08:23,930 --> 00:08:25,390 Look, a beer. 355 00:08:27,934 --> 00:08:29,852 Hey. 356 00:08:27,934 --> 00:08:29,852 Hi. 357 00:08:29,894 --> 00:08:32,063 You look nice. 358 00:08:29,894 --> 00:08:32,063 Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy. 359 00:08:32,105 --> 00:08:33,523 Hi, Sandy Rivers. 360 00:08:33,564 --> 00:08:36,401 Use my full name. 361 00:08:33,564 --> 00:08:36,401 People get a kick out of it. 362 00:08:36,443 --> 00:08:38,694 Hi, Sandy Rivers. 363 00:08:39,988 --> 00:08:41,197 So, are you two, uh... 364 00:08:41,239 --> 00:08:43,116 Starting a bunch 365 00:08:41,239 --> 00:08:43,116 of office rumors? 366 00:08:43,158 --> 00:08:45,452 Looks that way. 367 00:08:43,158 --> 00:08:45,452 Looks that way. 368 00:08:46,953 --> 00:08:49,247 Oh, how rude of me. 369 00:08:49,289 --> 00:08:51,791 Robin, Sandy... Rivers, 370 00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:55,211 this is Mary, my date. 371 00:09:05,263 --> 00:09:07,098 Ladies and gentlemen, 372 00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:09,392 welcome to the 45th annual 373 00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:09,392 Local Area Media Awards. 374 00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:11,436 Please say hello 375 00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:11,436 to our host for the evening, 376 00:09:11,478 --> 00:09:15,440 king of the Saturday afternoon 377 00:09:11,478 --> 00:09:15,440 kung fu movie, Vampire Lou. 378 00:09:19,694 --> 00:09:23,406 Tonight we celebrate 379 00:09:19,694 --> 00:09:23,406 the very best in broadcasting 380 00:09:23,448 --> 00:09:26,951 and the triumph 381 00:09:23,448 --> 00:09:26,951 of the human spirit. 382 00:09:26,993 --> 00:09:31,080 Man, Vampire Lou 383 00:09:26,993 --> 00:09:31,080 just looks great. 384 00:09:31,122 --> 00:09:34,209 I can't believe 385 00:09:31,122 --> 00:09:34,209 I'm on a date 386 00:09:31,122 --> 00:09:34,209 with a hooker. 387 00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:36,044 Yeah, I can't believe 388 00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:36,044 you let her and Lily 389 00:09:36,085 --> 00:09:37,920 go to the ladies' room 390 00:09:36,085 --> 00:09:37,920 together, man. 391 00:09:37,962 --> 00:09:39,381 Secrets come out in there. 392 00:09:39,422 --> 00:09:40,840 Oh, please, 393 00:09:39,422 --> 00:09:40,840 how's it gonna come out? 394 00:09:40,882 --> 00:09:43,552 "Pass me a towel. 395 00:09:40,882 --> 00:09:43,552 P.S. I have sex for money." 396 00:09:43,593 --> 00:09:45,803 Who had sex for money? 397 00:09:43,593 --> 00:09:45,803 Nobody. 398 00:09:45,845 --> 00:09:48,097 What did you guys 399 00:09:45,845 --> 00:09:48,097 talk about in there, 400 00:09:45,845 --> 00:09:48,097 anything interesting? 401 00:09:48,139 --> 00:09:50,517 No, not really. 402 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:53,478 We just chitchatted, 403 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:53,478 and I borrowed her lipstick. 404 00:09:55,438 --> 00:10:00,485 Yeah, why is Vampire Lou 405 00:09:55,438 --> 00:10:00,485 the host of a Saturday 406 00:09:55,438 --> 00:10:00,485 afternoon kung fu movie? 407 00:10:00,527 --> 00:10:02,571 You know? 408 00:10:00,527 --> 00:10:02,571 It just... It just 409 00:10:00,527 --> 00:10:02,571 makes no sense. 410 00:10:02,612 --> 00:10:03,946 God, that pisses me off. 411 00:10:04,947 --> 00:10:06,824 Lily, you okay? 412 00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:09,785 Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. 413 00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:09,785 And when I get tired, 414 00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:09,785 I get cranky. 415 00:10:09,827 --> 00:10:12,080 Really? I couldn't 416 00:10:09,827 --> 00:10:12,080 imagine you cranky. 417 00:10:12,121 --> 00:10:14,916 "Really? I couldn't 418 00:10:12,121 --> 00:10:14,916 imagine you cranky." 419 00:10:16,376 --> 00:10:19,045 Wow. Why are you so tired? 420 00:10:19,087 --> 00:10:20,630 Well, I teach kindergarten, 421 00:10:20,671 --> 00:10:22,549 and the school board 422 00:10:20,671 --> 00:10:22,549 took away my naptime... 423 00:10:22,591 --> 00:10:24,426 The kids' naptime. 424 00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,886 Lily, quit your job. 425 00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,886 Work at a private school. 426 00:10:26,928 --> 00:10:28,430 You won't have to deal 427 00:10:26,928 --> 00:10:28,430 with the school board, 428 00:10:28,471 --> 00:10:29,889 and you'll make 429 00:10:28,471 --> 00:10:29,889 a ton more money. 430 00:10:29,931 --> 00:10:31,099 Well, guess what, Barney? 431 00:10:31,140 --> 00:10:33,017 I don't base 432 00:10:31,140 --> 00:10:33,017 all my life decisions 433 00:10:33,059 --> 00:10:34,685 on how much money 434 00:10:33,059 --> 00:10:34,685 I'm gonna make, 435 00:10:34,727 --> 00:10:36,979 unlike you 436 00:10:34,727 --> 00:10:36,979 and sadly my fiance. 437 00:10:37,021 --> 00:10:39,190 Well, it's just an internship 438 00:10:37,021 --> 00:10:39,190 for the record 439 00:10:37,021 --> 00:10:39,190 for everybody... 440 00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:42,944 Yeah, because if I did 441 00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:42,944 sacrifice all my values 442 00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:42,944 just for an easy buck, 443 00:10:42,985 --> 00:10:45,029 what would that make me? 444 00:10:45,071 --> 00:10:46,155 A prostitute. 445 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,242 Exactly. Thank you, Mary. 446 00:10:49,284 --> 00:10:51,994 So, Mary, what do you 447 00:10:49,284 --> 00:10:51,994 do for a living? 448 00:10:52,036 --> 00:10:53,246 She's a paralegal. 449 00:10:55,498 --> 00:10:56,791 Yes, I'm a paralegal. 450 00:10:56,832 --> 00:10:59,502 So, Mary the paralegal. 451 00:10:59,544 --> 00:11:03,089 What does a paralegal 452 00:10:59,544 --> 00:11:03,089 do exactly? 453 00:11:03,131 --> 00:11:07,552 I just assist with day-to-day 454 00:11:03,131 --> 00:11:07,552 clerical work in a law firm, 455 00:11:03,131 --> 00:11:07,552 downtown. 456 00:11:07,594 --> 00:11:09,471 Oh, what firm? 457 00:11:09,512 --> 00:11:11,681 Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp. 458 00:11:11,722 --> 00:11:12,974 That's a real law firm. 459 00:11:13,015 --> 00:11:14,684 I know. 460 00:11:14,725 --> 00:11:15,851 Nice. 461 00:11:17,061 --> 00:11:18,813 Pretty good on your feet. 462 00:11:18,854 --> 00:11:20,440 Are you flirting with me? 463 00:11:20,482 --> 00:11:21,983 Is that allowed? 464 00:11:22,024 --> 00:11:24,902 Yes, it's encouraged. 465 00:11:24,944 --> 00:11:28,448 You know, I wouldn't normally 466 00:11:24,944 --> 00:11:28,448 say this on a first date, 467 00:11:28,490 --> 00:11:31,200 but, well, considering, 468 00:11:28,490 --> 00:11:31,200 I'm just gonna say it. 469 00:11:31,242 --> 00:11:34,120 You are so hot. 470 00:11:34,162 --> 00:11:36,623 Well, thank you. 471 00:11:34,162 --> 00:11:36,623 You're welcome. 472 00:11:36,665 --> 00:11:39,542 Mary, Ted is a great guy. 473 00:11:36,665 --> 00:11:39,542 You hold on to him. 474 00:11:39,584 --> 00:11:42,170 Don't let him 475 00:11:39,584 --> 00:11:42,170 out of your sight 476 00:11:39,584 --> 00:11:42,170 for a minute. 477 00:11:43,505 --> 00:11:45,590 So, Sandy, what do you do? 478 00:11:45,632 --> 00:11:47,592 Oh, wait, I know what you do. 479 00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:49,719 You're the guy 480 00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:49,719 who reads the paper 481 00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:49,719 in the morning. 482 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,722 You got me. 483 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,722 What do you do, Ted? 484 00:11:52,763 --> 00:11:55,099 Oh, same thing as you. 485 00:11:52,763 --> 00:11:55,099 I read the paper 486 00:11:52,763 --> 00:11:55,099 every morning. 487 00:11:55,141 --> 00:11:57,185 But then after that, 488 00:11:55,141 --> 00:11:57,185 I finish my coffee 489 00:11:57,226 --> 00:11:58,936 and I go to my real job 490 00:11:57,226 --> 00:11:58,936 as an architect, 491 00:11:58,978 --> 00:12:01,564 where I make 492 00:11:58,978 --> 00:12:01,564 an actual contribution 493 00:11:58,978 --> 00:12:01,564 to the world. 494 00:12:01,606 --> 00:12:03,858 I'm just kidding. 495 00:12:01,606 --> 00:12:03,858 Love your show. 496 00:12:01,606 --> 00:12:03,858 You're terrific. 497 00:12:03,899 --> 00:12:07,153 Thanks. I never 498 00:12:03,899 --> 00:12:07,153 tire of hearing that. 499 00:12:10,114 --> 00:12:12,783 Hey, you know 500 00:12:10,114 --> 00:12:12,783 that scene in Empire 501 00:12:12,825 --> 00:12:15,786 where they lower the helmet 502 00:12:12,825 --> 00:12:15,786 onto Darth Vader's head? 503 00:12:15,828 --> 00:12:19,332 Do you think 504 00:12:15,828 --> 00:12:19,332 that's how Sandy puts 505 00:12:15,828 --> 00:12:19,332 his hair on in the morning? 506 00:12:19,374 --> 00:12:22,084 You just insulted 507 00:12:19,374 --> 00:12:22,084 someone I hate 508 00:12:22,126 --> 00:12:24,128 by referencing 509 00:12:22,126 --> 00:12:24,128 something I love. 510 00:12:24,170 --> 00:12:26,506 Damn! You just got 511 00:12:24,170 --> 00:12:26,506 even hotter. 512 00:12:29,718 --> 00:12:33,221 And so, as the night wore on, 513 00:12:29,718 --> 00:12:33,221 I started to realize 514 00:12:33,262 --> 00:12:37,642 this girl, despite what 515 00:12:33,262 --> 00:12:37,642 she did for a living, 516 00:12:33,262 --> 00:12:37,642 was kind of great. 517 00:12:41,730 --> 00:12:43,939 Hey. 518 00:12:41,730 --> 00:12:43,939 Hey. 519 00:12:43,981 --> 00:12:45,358 Mary seems nice. 520 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,109 Have you kissed her yet 521 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,109 or are you waiting 522 00:12:47,151 --> 00:12:50,154 until you're 523 00:12:47,151 --> 00:12:50,154 in a serious relationship 524 00:12:47,151 --> 00:12:50,154 with someone else? 525 00:12:50,196 --> 00:12:53,408 Yeah. I've been 526 00:12:50,196 --> 00:12:53,408 meaning to apologize 527 00:12:50,196 --> 00:12:53,408 for everything that happened. 528 00:12:53,449 --> 00:12:56,202 And just like that 529 00:12:53,449 --> 00:12:56,202 it's all okay. Roll credits. 530 00:12:56,244 --> 00:12:57,537 So you're gonna be 531 00:12:56,244 --> 00:12:57,537 mad at me forever? 532 00:12:57,579 --> 00:12:59,163 What, we're 533 00:12:57,579 --> 00:12:59,163 not even friends now? 534 00:12:59,205 --> 00:13:01,249 We're still friends. 535 00:12:59,205 --> 00:13:01,249 We're... Are we? 536 00:13:01,290 --> 00:13:03,376 You don't return my calls. 537 00:13:01,290 --> 00:13:03,376 We never hang out. 538 00:13:03,418 --> 00:13:04,794 And now you're trying 539 00:13:03,418 --> 00:13:04,794 to make me jealous 540 00:13:04,835 --> 00:13:06,962 by waving Edward R. Moron 541 00:13:04,835 --> 00:13:06,962 in my face? 542 00:13:07,004 --> 00:13:09,131 Oh, and Paralegally Blonde 543 00:13:07,004 --> 00:13:09,131 isn't here 544 00:13:09,173 --> 00:13:11,092 in her low-cut dress 545 00:13:09,173 --> 00:13:11,092 to make me jealous? 546 00:13:11,133 --> 00:13:13,177 Oh, so now she's a whore? 547 00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:16,138 What? 548 00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:16,138 You know something? 549 00:13:16,180 --> 00:13:19,225 Mary the paralegal is awesome. 550 00:13:16,180 --> 00:13:19,225 And you know what else? 551 00:13:19,267 --> 00:13:20,893 I didn't come here tonight 552 00:13:19,267 --> 00:13:20,893 to make you jealous. 553 00:13:20,935 --> 00:13:22,687 I came here 554 00:13:20,935 --> 00:13:22,687 to support you as a friend, 555 00:13:22,729 --> 00:13:24,773 and frankly, 556 00:13:22,729 --> 00:13:24,773 I'm sick of trying. 557 00:13:28,610 --> 00:13:30,194 I like that guy. 558 00:13:34,198 --> 00:13:36,075 Hey. 559 00:13:34,198 --> 00:13:36,075 Hey. 560 00:13:36,117 --> 00:13:38,077 What were you guys 561 00:13:36,117 --> 00:13:38,077 talking about over there? 562 00:13:38,119 --> 00:13:41,872 Oh, I was, uh, 563 00:13:38,119 --> 00:13:41,872 just telling my friend 564 00:13:38,119 --> 00:13:41,872 that I think you're awesome. 565 00:13:42,791 --> 00:13:45,042 Well, thanks. 566 00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:48,003 You know, this is 567 00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:48,003 one of the nicer hotels 568 00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:48,003 I've ever been in. 569 00:13:48,045 --> 00:13:49,589 Oh, yeah, 570 00:13:48,045 --> 00:13:49,589 my friend did the remodel. 571 00:13:49,631 --> 00:13:51,173 You should see the rooms, 572 00:13:49,631 --> 00:13:51,173 the views are amazing. 573 00:13:51,215 --> 00:13:55,219 Yeah? Maybe it's too bad 574 00:13:51,215 --> 00:13:55,219 we don't have a room. 575 00:13:55,261 --> 00:13:57,972 Room 1506, my treat. 576 00:13:55,261 --> 00:13:57,972 You kids go nuts. 577 00:13:58,013 --> 00:14:00,475 Actually, 578 00:13:58,013 --> 00:14:00,475 don't use the minibar. 579 00:14:11,944 --> 00:14:14,238 Do it. Come on, 580 00:14:11,944 --> 00:14:14,238 Ted, do it. 581 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,616 This is one of those things 582 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,616 you have to do 583 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,616 before you turn 30. 584 00:14:16,658 --> 00:14:17,950 Sleep with a prostitute? 585 00:14:17,992 --> 00:14:20,077 No, lose your virginity. 586 00:14:17,992 --> 00:14:20,077 What up! 587 00:14:20,119 --> 00:14:21,912 Statistic. 588 00:14:21,954 --> 00:14:24,791 Men who have had 589 00:14:21,954 --> 00:14:24,791 at least one relationship 590 00:14:21,954 --> 00:14:24,791 with a prostitute 591 00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:28,670 are 75% more likely 592 00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:28,670 to have success 593 00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:28,670 in future relationships. 594 00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:30,004 You just made that up. 595 00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:30,004 Withdrawn. 596 00:14:30,045 --> 00:14:32,173 Lawyered. Okay, three things. 597 00:14:32,214 --> 00:14:33,966 First of all, 598 00:14:32,214 --> 00:14:33,966 Robin's category is almost up. 599 00:14:34,008 --> 00:14:36,010 And second of all, 600 00:14:34,008 --> 00:14:36,010 you cannot do this. 601 00:14:36,051 --> 00:14:37,970 It's wrong on every level. 602 00:14:38,012 --> 00:14:40,348 And third, 603 00:14:38,012 --> 00:14:40,348 I've been placing small items 604 00:14:38,012 --> 00:14:40,348 in Sandy's hair all night, 605 00:14:40,389 --> 00:14:42,099 and he still hasn't noticed. 606 00:14:42,141 --> 00:14:44,769 I know I can't do this. 607 00:14:42,141 --> 00:14:44,769 I'm not doing this. 608 00:14:42,141 --> 00:14:44,769 It's just... 609 00:14:44,811 --> 00:14:46,479 It's a shame. 610 00:14:44,811 --> 00:14:46,479 She's really cool. 611 00:14:46,521 --> 00:14:48,939 Yeah, well... 612 00:14:46,521 --> 00:14:48,939 Here we go. 613 00:14:46,521 --> 00:14:48,939 All right. 614 00:14:48,981 --> 00:14:53,068 Brampton for 615 00:14:48,981 --> 00:14:53,068 "A Bicycle. Joy Ride 616 00:14:48,981 --> 00:14:53,068 or Death Trap?" 617 00:14:53,110 --> 00:14:57,114 Mike Murphy 618 00:14:53,110 --> 00:14:57,114 for "Thirteen, 619 00:14:53,110 --> 00:14:57,114 Pregnant and Addicted." 620 00:14:57,156 --> 00:15:00,993 And Robin Scherbatsky for 621 00:14:57,156 --> 00:15:00,993 "Pickles, the Singing Dog." 622 00:15:01,035 --> 00:15:04,914 And the winner is 623 00:15:01,035 --> 00:15:04,914 Robin Scherbatsky. 624 00:15:10,753 --> 00:15:12,087 Thanks. 625 00:15:14,841 --> 00:15:18,636 Wow. 626 00:15:14,841 --> 00:15:18,636 This is really a surprise. 627 00:15:18,678 --> 00:15:22,223 You know, it's nice to be 628 00:15:18,678 --> 00:15:22,223 able to share this award 629 00:15:18,678 --> 00:15:22,223 with, uh, my friends. 630 00:15:22,264 --> 00:15:23,766 They're all here tonight. 631 00:15:23,808 --> 00:15:26,143 Marshall, Lily, 632 00:15:23,808 --> 00:15:26,143 Sandy Rivers... 633 00:15:28,229 --> 00:15:30,940 Barney. 634 00:15:30,981 --> 00:15:34,318 And that's it. 635 00:15:30,981 --> 00:15:34,318 Those are all my friends. 636 00:15:30,981 --> 00:15:34,318 Thank you. 637 00:15:42,076 --> 00:15:44,704 Congratulations. 638 00:15:42,076 --> 00:15:44,704 Oh, thanks. 639 00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:47,957 Sandy, do you want 640 00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:47,957 to get a cab? 641 00:15:47,998 --> 00:15:50,251 Sure. Let's go. 642 00:15:50,292 --> 00:15:53,796 Yeah, this party is dead. 643 00:15:50,292 --> 00:15:53,796 Mary, you wanna go upstairs? 644 00:15:55,005 --> 00:15:56,799 We, uh, got a room. 645 00:15:58,718 --> 00:16:00,762 Dude, what are you doing? 646 00:16:00,803 --> 00:16:02,555 What's it look like? 647 00:16:02,597 --> 00:16:04,056 It looks bad, 648 00:16:02,597 --> 00:16:04,056 is what it looks like. 649 00:16:04,098 --> 00:16:06,141 You cannot do this. 650 00:16:06,183 --> 00:16:08,644 Marshall, she is 651 00:16:06,183 --> 00:16:08,644 a really cool girl 652 00:16:06,183 --> 00:16:08,644 when you get to know her. 653 00:16:08,686 --> 00:16:10,939 Besides, I'm trying 654 00:16:08,686 --> 00:16:10,939 to make Robin jealous. 655 00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:13,023 Oh, that's real mature. 656 00:16:13,065 --> 00:16:16,652 Marshall, what is up 657 00:16:13,065 --> 00:16:16,652 with you and Ted? 658 00:16:16,694 --> 00:16:18,821 Nothing, baby. 659 00:16:16,694 --> 00:16:18,821 Don't worry about it. 660 00:16:18,863 --> 00:16:21,240 Fine. Do what you want. 661 00:16:21,282 --> 00:16:23,325 Hey. 662 00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:24,326 Should we go? 663 00:16:24,368 --> 00:16:25,870 Yeah. 664 00:16:24,368 --> 00:16:25,870 Yeah. 665 00:16:27,288 --> 00:16:28,330 Thanks. 666 00:16:28,372 --> 00:16:30,875 Well, good night. 667 00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:33,168 Good night. 668 00:16:47,976 --> 00:16:49,727 So, did you and Barney ever... 669 00:16:49,769 --> 00:16:51,562 There's not enough 670 00:16:49,769 --> 00:16:51,562 money in the world. 671 00:16:51,604 --> 00:16:53,564 Oh, thank God. 672 00:16:53,606 --> 00:16:54,857 Yeah. 673 00:16:57,026 --> 00:16:58,110 Wow, so they're... 674 00:16:58,152 --> 00:16:59,278 Uh-huh. 675 00:17:00,571 --> 00:17:03,115 Robin, where's 676 00:17:00,571 --> 00:17:03,115 Sandy Rivers? 677 00:17:03,157 --> 00:17:05,034 I put him in a cab. 678 00:17:05,075 --> 00:17:06,410 So, wait, you 679 00:17:05,075 --> 00:17:06,410 and he aren't... 680 00:17:06,452 --> 00:17:08,537 I don't date 681 00:17:06,452 --> 00:17:08,537 people I work with. 682 00:17:08,579 --> 00:17:10,873 I was just trying 683 00:17:08,579 --> 00:17:10,873 to make Ted jealous. 684 00:17:10,915 --> 00:17:14,126 Is he... 685 00:17:10,915 --> 00:17:14,126 He's off trying 686 00:17:10,915 --> 00:17:14,126 to make you jealous. 687 00:17:14,168 --> 00:17:16,671 Oh, well, good for them. 688 00:17:16,712 --> 00:17:20,174 And, you know, 689 00:17:16,712 --> 00:17:20,174 if Ted likes her, 690 00:17:16,712 --> 00:17:20,174 she's probably pretty cool. 691 00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:22,844 Lily, I know you're asleep, 692 00:17:22,885 --> 00:17:24,720 but I have to tell 693 00:17:22,885 --> 00:17:24,720 someone this, 694 00:17:24,762 --> 00:17:28,349 and we tell each other 695 00:17:24,762 --> 00:17:28,349 everything. So here it goes. 696 00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:31,686 Mary's not a paralegal. 697 00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:31,686 She's a prostitute. 698 00:17:31,727 --> 00:17:34,355 Mary's a prostitute? 699 00:17:34,396 --> 00:17:36,565 What? 700 00:17:34,396 --> 00:17:36,565 Barney paid for her. 701 00:17:37,566 --> 00:17:38,985 Barney, is that true? 702 00:17:39,027 --> 00:17:42,030 We were having 703 00:17:39,027 --> 00:17:42,030 a conversation 704 00:17:39,027 --> 00:17:42,030 about prostitution. 705 00:17:42,071 --> 00:17:43,823 And then Barney calls her up, 706 00:17:43,865 --> 00:17:45,282 and then she shows up 707 00:17:43,865 --> 00:17:45,282 at the bar, 708 00:17:45,324 --> 00:17:46,909 and now she and Ted 709 00:17:45,324 --> 00:17:46,909 are upstairs. 710 00:17:46,951 --> 00:17:49,203 Okay, seriously, 711 00:17:46,951 --> 00:17:49,203 what is going on 712 00:17:46,951 --> 00:17:49,203 with Ted, lately? 713 00:17:49,244 --> 00:17:51,539 Is he having 714 00:17:49,244 --> 00:17:51,539 a nervous breakdown? 715 00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:55,960 You know, Barney, 716 00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:55,960 for anyone else 717 00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:55,960 this would be a new low, 718 00:17:56,002 --> 00:17:58,754 but sadly, for you, 719 00:17:56,002 --> 00:17:58,754 it's just a new middle. 720 00:18:00,297 --> 00:18:03,759 Oh, my God, 721 00:18:00,297 --> 00:18:03,759 I used her lipstick. Oh! 722 00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:05,177 That's her napkin. 723 00:18:08,389 --> 00:18:11,266 Okay, well, I guess now 724 00:18:08,389 --> 00:18:11,266 is as good a time as any. 725 00:18:11,308 --> 00:18:13,519 In keeping with tonight's 726 00:18:11,308 --> 00:18:13,519 award show motif, 727 00:18:13,561 --> 00:18:16,981 I'd like to announce 728 00:18:13,561 --> 00:18:16,981 this evening's 729 00:18:13,561 --> 00:18:16,981 big twist ending. 730 00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:22,945 Vampire Lou, 731 00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:22,945 would you do the honors? 732 00:18:24,154 --> 00:18:27,825 "Mary is not really 733 00:18:24,154 --> 00:18:27,825 a prostitute." 734 00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:30,369 What? 735 00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:30,369 That's all, Vampire Lou. 736 00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:30,369 Nicely done. 737 00:18:30,411 --> 00:18:32,121 So she's not... 738 00:18:30,411 --> 00:18:32,121 No. 739 00:18:32,162 --> 00:18:34,373 Mary is just a paralegal 740 00:18:32,162 --> 00:18:34,373 who lives in my building. 741 00:18:34,415 --> 00:18:36,333 Oh! And here's the best part. 742 00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:38,878 She has no idea 743 00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:38,878 that Ted thinks 744 00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:38,878 she's a hooker. 745 00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:44,926 Oh, come on. 746 00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:44,926 If you don't laugh, 747 00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:44,926 it just seems mean. 748 00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:58,940 Feel kind of like 749 00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:58,940 Richard Gere. 750 00:18:58,981 --> 00:19:02,026 Not shy about your looks, 751 00:18:58,981 --> 00:19:02,026 are you? 752 00:18:58,981 --> 00:19:02,026 No. 753 00:19:04,070 --> 00:19:07,322 You know, Mary, 754 00:19:04,070 --> 00:19:07,322 I've never done this before. 755 00:19:07,364 --> 00:19:08,741 Done what? 756 00:19:08,783 --> 00:19:12,244 You know, been on a date. 757 00:19:13,871 --> 00:19:14,997 Right. 758 00:19:15,915 --> 00:19:17,083 Wait, you're kidding, right? 759 00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:18,417 No. 760 00:19:18,459 --> 00:19:20,252 Why, is that so odd? 761 00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:25,382 Well, Ted, I mean, 762 00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:25,382 I've been going on dates 763 00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:25,382 since I was 15. 764 00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:29,219 God, you were just a kid. 765 00:19:29,261 --> 00:19:32,347 Well, look, 766 00:19:29,261 --> 00:19:32,347 let's just have a few drinks. 767 00:19:29,261 --> 00:19:32,347 We'll relax... 768 00:19:32,389 --> 00:19:34,100 Yeah, that sounds great. 769 00:19:34,142 --> 00:19:36,978 I had clients riding me 770 00:19:34,142 --> 00:19:36,978 all day long. 771 00:19:37,895 --> 00:19:39,814 Must be tough. 772 00:19:37,895 --> 00:19:39,814 Yeah. 773 00:19:39,855 --> 00:19:41,941 I mean, this one guy 774 00:19:39,855 --> 00:19:41,941 just wouldn't leave me alone. 775 00:19:41,983 --> 00:19:43,985 I mean, talk about anal. 776 00:19:50,908 --> 00:19:52,576 Here we are. 777 00:19:55,830 --> 00:19:59,291 Okay, look. Mary, 778 00:19:55,830 --> 00:19:59,291 I like you a lot. 779 00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:01,585 I'm... I'm sort of amazed 780 00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:01,585 at how much I like you. 781 00:20:01,627 --> 00:20:04,505 But I can't do this, 782 00:20:01,627 --> 00:20:04,505 you're a hooker. 783 00:20:05,881 --> 00:20:07,424 What? 784 00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:09,301 Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, 785 00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:09,301 but I'm sorry, 786 00:20:09,343 --> 00:20:10,636 that's a deal-breaker for me. 787 00:20:10,678 --> 00:20:13,347 I'm not gonna have sex 788 00:20:10,678 --> 00:20:13,347 with a prostitute. 789 00:20:13,388 --> 00:20:15,724 Ted, I'm a paralegal. 790 00:20:15,766 --> 00:20:17,601 Come on, Mary, 791 00:20:15,766 --> 00:20:17,601 there's no one else around. 792 00:20:17,643 --> 00:20:19,854 You're a hooker. 793 00:20:19,895 --> 00:20:23,524 No, Ted. I'm a paralegal. 794 00:20:23,565 --> 00:20:25,860 No, you're a hooker. 795 00:20:27,361 --> 00:20:30,447 No, I'm a paralegal. 796 00:20:34,326 --> 00:20:35,995 You're a paralegal. 797 00:20:40,415 --> 00:20:43,252 That was not funny. 798 00:20:40,415 --> 00:20:43,252 Not funny, dude. 799 00:20:43,293 --> 00:20:45,046 I know. It was hilarious. 800 00:20:45,963 --> 00:20:47,506 Why would you do that? 801 00:20:47,548 --> 00:20:49,217 I did it to prove a point. 802 00:20:49,258 --> 00:20:50,718 What point? 803 00:20:52,386 --> 00:20:55,056 Stay with me, 804 00:20:52,386 --> 00:20:55,056 it's gonna come to me. 805 00:20:56,724 --> 00:20:58,642 Okay, here's the point. 806 00:20:58,684 --> 00:21:00,352 You thought that Mary 807 00:20:58,684 --> 00:21:00,352 was a sure thing, right? 808 00:21:00,394 --> 00:21:01,979 So what happened? 809 00:21:02,021 --> 00:21:04,190 She took you up 810 00:21:02,021 --> 00:21:04,190 to a hotel room 811 00:21:02,021 --> 00:21:04,190 on the first date. 812 00:21:04,232 --> 00:21:06,942 All you have to do is 813 00:21:04,232 --> 00:21:06,942 be that confident 814 00:21:04,232 --> 00:21:06,942 with every girl you meet 815 00:21:06,984 --> 00:21:08,736 and your slump's over. 816 00:21:08,777 --> 00:21:11,446 So the message is, 817 00:21:08,777 --> 00:21:11,446 I should treat every woman 818 00:21:08,777 --> 00:21:11,446 like a whore? 819 00:21:11,488 --> 00:21:13,490 Come on, dude. 820 00:21:11,488 --> 00:21:13,490 You should be thanking me. 821 00:21:13,532 --> 00:21:15,450 She slapped me 822 00:21:13,532 --> 00:21:15,450 and stormed off. 823 00:21:15,492 --> 00:21:18,537 Can you blame her? 824 00:21:15,492 --> 00:21:18,537 You called her a hooker. 825 00:21:19,705 --> 00:21:22,291 I'm sorry, dude. 826 00:21:19,705 --> 00:21:22,291 It was funny. 827 00:21:22,332 --> 00:21:24,293 Yeah. Well, 828 00:21:22,332 --> 00:21:24,293 it's getting late. 829 00:21:24,334 --> 00:21:26,461 I should get back to my room. 830 00:21:24,334 --> 00:21:26,461 Your room? 831 00:21:26,503 --> 00:21:29,423 Yeah, that really expensive 832 00:21:26,503 --> 00:21:29,423 hotel room you put 833 00:21:26,503 --> 00:21:29,423 on your credit card, 834 00:21:29,464 --> 00:21:30,716 never checked out. 835 00:21:30,758 --> 00:21:32,760 By the way, 836 00:21:30,758 --> 00:21:32,760 you know what's super fun? 837 00:21:32,801 --> 00:21:35,554 Pouring Dom Perignon 838 00:21:32,801 --> 00:21:35,554 down a bathtub drain. 839 00:21:35,596 --> 00:21:38,724 Well, it's almost 3:00. 840 00:21:35,596 --> 00:21:38,724 Got a massage. Toodles! 841 00:21:41,852 --> 00:21:44,813 Come on. 842 00:21:41,852 --> 00:21:44,813 If you don't laugh, 843 00:21:41,852 --> 00:21:44,813 it just seems mean.