Her favorite CD
in the Otis Redding
box set?
Disk three.
My favorite?
Any guesses? Anyone?
Come on. Disk three!
God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could talk
about her for hours.
What do you mean could?
I'm sorry. It's just...
God, I'm... I'm crazy
about this girl.
It feels like, maybe...
I don't wanna say it.
Trust that impulse, Ted.
Hey, something kind of cool
just happened.
My story on Pickles,
the singing dog,
just got nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.
A LAMA?
We prefer
Local Area Media Award.
There's gonna be
this big banquet.
I know these things
aren't much fun,
but it would
really mean a lot to me
if you guys came.
Oh, well...
And there's an open bar.
Oh, yes!
Word up!
Put me down for two.
Really? It's
three months away.
I know.
But, guys, I'm sorry,
I'm gonna say it.
I have a feeling
Victoria's gonna be
around for a long time.
I'm gonna miss Victoria.
I should just skip
this thing entirely.
Robin is still pissed
at me after, you know...
You lied and said you were
broken up with Victoria
before you actually were,
so you could try
to nail Robin,
and you wound up
losing both girls
in one night.
Yes, that's what I meant by,
"You know..."
I haven't seen her
in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.
Look, I shouldn't go.
You should definitely go.
Look, it's a chance
to show her
you're still friends
and that you support her.
Or it's a chance to mess
with her head
by showing up
with someone hotter.
Even better, triple threat,
hotter and bigger boobs.
That's only two.
Count again.
Barney, I'm not bringing
a date even if I wanted to.
The thing's in two hours.
So get an escort.
By escort,
you mean prostitute?
Why not?
Because gross?
Oh, what, gross?
What, you have some
puritanical hang-up
about prostitution?
Dude, it's the world's
oldest profession.
You really think
that's true?
Oh, yeah.
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave-hookers,
like, an extra fish
for putting out.
So, then,
the oldest profession
would be fisherman. Kaboom!
You've been lawyered.
Come on, Ted.
Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.
Okay. To bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically
or to actually
have sex with?
Yes.
No, it's illegal.
And did I mention gross?
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.
The companionship business
is the growth industry
of the 21st century.
You do realize
that one out of every
eight adult women
in America is a prostitute.
You just made that up.
Withdrawn.
Lawyered.
The point is...
How long has it been?
Fifty-seven days.
Is that your water?
May I?
Yeah, go ahead.
Much obliged.
Fifty-seven days!
Ted, you are in a slump.
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional
hiatus from girls.
A slump is
when you strike out every time
you step up to the plate,
but I'm off the roster, baby.
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.
Yeah. You know what else
is in that locker room?
A bunch of naked dudes
hanging brain.
Ted, you need a lady,
and I've got
the next best thing. Mary.
She lives in my building.
She's smart. She's hot.
She's totally cool.
Oh, she sounds great.
And, who knows,
maybe we will wind up
getting married someday,
you know, if we can get
a blessing from her pimp.
You wanna judge
a fellow human being
based solely on
one external characteristic?
That's racism.
And I do not drink
with racists.
Good day!
You're just waiting
for me to speak,
so you can...
I said good day!
So should I wear my hair
up or down?
Lily.
What?
You okay?
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
I'm just exhausted from work.
The stupid school board
took away naptime in
all kindergarten classes,
and now the kids are
just going crazy
by the end of the day.
And it's much harder
to deal with
because, well,
I don't get my nap.
Oh, wait,
you were taking naps
when the kids were?
Is that safe?
Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?
Ted's still coming
to this thing, right?
Yep.
Do you think,
um, hypothetically,
it would be weird
if I bring a date?
Look at you, Scherbatsky,
blatantly trying to make
Ted jealous.
No, it's just this guy
at the station.
I never get involved
with coworkers,
but he asked me
and I said yes.
Is it gonna be weird?
No, it's not gonna
be weird at all.
Robin's bringing a date.
That's gonna be really weird.
I know.
Okay.
Robin's bringing a date.
Oh. Okay, that's not weird.
She's bringing a date.
I'm... I'm glad
she's moving on.
Dude, it's gonna be weird.
No, it's fine.
Look, in spite
of whatever happened
between us,
Robin and I are still friends.
I don't think it'll be weird.
Yeah, it won't be weird.
Thank you.
Because you're gonna bring
your own date.
Hello, Barney.
Hi, Mary.
Have you met Ted?
Nice to meet you, Ted.
Hi, Mary.
Wow! It's, uh,
nice to meet you, too.
So, we're going
to an award show?
Yep. Could you just excuse us
for one minute?
Barney?
See you in two shakes, Mar.
You two make
yourselves comfortable.
What the hell?
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators
were harshing my mellow.
So, I got you
a date for the evening.
You got me a hooker.
A really hot...
A hooker!
Think about it.
This is perfect.
A, it will make
Robin insanely jealous.
B, you get to have
sex with her.
And C, maybe
by getting to know Mary,
you'll come
to see that courtesans
are people, too.
And D, B all night long.
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.
Dude, the only people
who will know are you,
me and Marshall.
No one will suspect a thing.
They'll just see you
with this unbelievably
smoking hot girl and...
Okay, yeah,
that's a little
bit suspicious.
Look, I'm just trying
to expand your horizons
a little bit tonight.
But if you're
not interested, fine,
I'm out 500 bucks.
Whatever.
Five hundred bucks, you?
Ted, you're my cabron.
You think I'm gonna
stick you
with some toothless tranny
from the Port Authority?
Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.
I'm not trying
to make Robin jealous,
Barney.
Look, I...
Tell Mary thanks,
but no thanks.
I have a soul.
And then
your Uncle Marshall and I
had one of our famous
telepathic conversations.
Check out Robin's date.
I know.
Is that who I think it is?
Yep. It's Sandy Rivers.
Sandy Rivers was
the face of Metro News 1,
the most low-budget
cable news channel ever.
Sandy time. Sandy time!
He was best known
for his morning segment
in "Today's Paper,"
during which he literally
flipped through today's paper
reading it aloud to viewers.
Here we have on the front page
a story about a...
I guess a guy
in a superhero costume
climbing
the Empire State Building.
Looks interesting.
These idiotic
filler pieces were
a guilty pleasure of ours.
Oh, which Sandy
do we want today?
French Sandy,
porn-star Sandy...
Yosemite Sandy, definitely.
Excellent choice.
I raised these as a child.
I tell you it's not easy.
I love this guy.
I hate this guy.
Hey. Hi.
Hi.
I'm Lily.
I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much
about Mary.
Look, a beer.
Hey.
Hi.
You look nice.
Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy.
Hi, Sandy Rivers.
Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.
Hi, Sandy Rivers.
So, are you two, uh...
Starting a bunch
of office rumors?
Looks that way.
Oh, how rude of me.
Robin, Sandy... Rivers,
this is Mary, my date.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the 45th annual
Local Area Media Awards.
Please say hello
to our host for the evening,
king of the Saturday afternoon
kung fu movie, Vampire Lou.
Tonight we celebrate
the very best in broadcasting
and the triumph
of the human spirit.
Man, Vampire Lou
just looks great.
I can't believe
I'm on a date
with a hooker.
Yeah, I can't believe
you let her and Lily
go to the ladies' room
together, man.
Secrets come out in there.
Oh, please,
how's it gonna come out?
"Pass me a towel.
P.S. I have sex for money."
Who had sex for money?
Nobody.
What did you guys
talk about in there,
anything interesting?
No, not really.
We just chitchatted,
and I borrowed her lipstick.
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou
the host of a Saturday
afternoon kung fu movie?
You know?
It just... It just
makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.
Lily, you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired,
I get cranky.
Really? I couldn't
imagine you cranky.
"Really? I couldn't
imagine you cranky."
Wow. Why are you so tired?
Well, I teach kindergarten,
and the school board
took away my naptime...
The kids' naptime.
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.
You won't have to deal
with the school board,
and you'll make
a ton more money.
Well, guess what, Barney?
I don't base
all my life decisions
on how much money
I'm gonna make,
unlike you
and sadly my fiance.
Well, it's just an internship
for the record
for everybody...
Yeah, because if I did
sacrifice all my values
just for an easy buck,
what would that make me?
A prostitute.
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.
So, Mary, what do you
do for a living?
She's a paralegal.
Yes, I'm a paralegal.
So, Mary the paralegal.
What does a paralegal
do exactly?
I just assist with day-to-day
clerical work in a law firm,
downtown.
Oh, what firm?
Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
That's a real law firm.
I know.
Nice.
Pretty good on your feet.
Are you flirting with me?
Is that allowed?
Yes, it's encouraged.
You know, I wouldn't normally
say this on a first date,
but, well, considering,
I'm just gonna say it.
You are so hot.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.
Don't let him
out of your sight
for a minute.
So, Sandy, what do you do?
Oh, wait, I know what you do.
You're the guy
who reads the paper
in the morning.
You got me.
What do you do, Ted?
Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper
every morning.
But then after that,
I finish my coffee
and I go to my real job
as an architect,
where I make
an actual contribution
to the world.
I'm just kidding.
Love your show.
You're terrific.
Thanks. I never
tire of hearing that.
Hey, you know
that scene in Empire
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?
Do you think
that's how Sandy puts
his hair on in the morning?
You just insulted
someone I hate
by referencing
something I love.
Damn! You just got
even hotter.
And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize
this girl, despite what
she did for a living,
was kind of great.
Hey.
Mary seems nice.
Have you kissed her yet
or are you waiting
until you're
in a serious relationship
with someone else?
Yeah. I've been
meaning to apologize
for everything that happened.
And just like that
it's all okay. Roll credits.
So you're gonna be
mad at me forever?
What, we're
not even friends now?
We're still friends.
We're... Are we?
You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.
And now you're trying
to make me jealous
by waving Edward R. Moron
in my face?
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde
isn't here
in her low-cut dress
to make me jealous?
Oh, so now she's a whore?
What?
You know something?
Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else?
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous.
I came here
to support you as a friend,
and frankly,
I'm sick of trying.
I like that guy.
Hey.
What were you guys
talking about over there?
Oh, I was, uh,
just telling my friend
that I think you're awesome.
Well, thanks.
You know, this is
one of the nicer hotels
I've ever been in.
Oh, yeah,
my friend did the remodel.
You should see the rooms,
the views are amazing.
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.
Room 1506, my treat.
You kids go nuts.
Actually,
don't use the minibar.
Do it. Come on,
Ted, do it.
This is one of those things
you have to do
before you turn 30.
Sleep with a prostitute?
No, lose your virginity.
What up!
Statistic.
Men who have had
at least one relationship
with a prostitute
are 75% more likely
to have success
in future relationships.
You just made that up.
Withdrawn.
Lawyered. Okay, three things.
First of all,
Robin's category is almost up.
And second of all,
you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.
And third,
I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night,
and he still hasn't noticed.
I know I can't do this.
I'm not doing this.
It's just...
It's a shame.
She's really cool.
Yeah, well...
Here we go.
All right.
Brampton for
"A Bicycle. Joy Ride
or Death Trap?"
Mike Murphy
for "Thirteen,
Pregnant and Addicted."
And Robin Scherbatsky for
"Pickles, the Singing Dog."
And the winner is
Robin Scherbatsky.
Thanks.
Wow.
This is really a surprise.
You know, it's nice to be
able to share this award
with, uh, my friends.
They're all here tonight.
Marshall, Lily,
Sandy Rivers...
Barney.
And that's it.
Those are all my friends.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
Oh, thanks.
Sandy, do you want
to get a cab?
Sure. Let's go.
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs?
We, uh, got a room.
Dude, what are you doing?
What's it look like?
It looks bad,
is what it looks like.
You cannot do this.
Marshall, she is
a really cool girl
when you get to know her.
Besides, I'm trying
to make Robin jealous.
Oh, that's real mature.
Marshall, what is up
with you and Ted?
Nothing, baby.
Don't worry about it.
Fine. Do what you want.
Hey.
Should we go?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Well, good night.
Good night.
So, did you and Barney ever...
There's not enough
money in the world.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
Wow, so they're...
Uh-huh.
Robin, where's
Sandy Rivers?
I put him in a cab.
So, wait, you
and he aren't...
I don't date
people I work with.
I was just trying
to make Ted jealous.
Is he...
He's off trying
to make you jealous.
Oh, well, good for them.
And, you know,
if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.
Lily, I know you're asleep,
but I have to tell
someone this,
and we tell each other
everything. So here it goes.
Mary's not a paralegal.
She's a prostitute.
Mary's a prostitute?
What?
Barney paid for her.
Barney, is that true?
We were having
a conversation
about prostitution.
And then Barney calls her up,
and then she shows up
at the bar,
and now she and Ted
are upstairs.
Okay, seriously,
what is going on
with Ted, lately?
Is he having
a nervous breakdown?
You know, Barney,
for anyone else
this would be a new low,
but sadly, for you,
it's just a new middle.
Oh, my God,
I used her lipstick. Oh!
That's her napkin.
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.
In keeping with tonight's
award show motif,
I'd like to announce
this evening's
big twist ending.
Vampire Lou,
would you do the honors?
"Mary is not really
a prostitute."
What?
That's all, Vampire Lou.
Nicely done.
So she's not...
No.
Mary is just a paralegal
who lives in my building.
Oh! And here's the best part.
She has no idea
that Ted thinks
she's a hooker.
Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh,
it just seems mean.
Feel kind of like
Richard Gere.
Not shy about your looks,
are you?
No.
You know, Mary,
I've never done this before.
Done what?
You know, been on a date.
Right.
Wait, you're kidding, right?
No.
Why, is that so odd?
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates
since I was 15.
God, you were just a kid.
Well, look,
let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax...
Yeah, that sounds great.
I had clients riding me
all day long.
Must be tough.
Yeah.
I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.
I mean, talk about anal.
Here we are.
Okay, look. Mary,
I like you a lot.
I'm... I'm sort of amazed
at how much I like you.
But I can't do this,
you're a hooker.
What?
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but I'm sorry,
that's a deal-breaker for me.
I'm not gonna have sex
with a prostitute.
Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Come on, Mary,
there's no one else around.
You're a hooker.
No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.
No, you're a hooker.
No, I'm a paralegal.
You're a paralegal.
That was not funny.
Not funny, dude.
I know. It was hilarious.
Why would you do that?
I did it to prove a point.
What point?
Stay with me,
it's gonna come to me.
Okay, here's the point.
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?
So what happened?
She took you up
to a hotel room
on the first date.
All you have to do is
be that confident
with every girl you meet
and your slump's over.
So the message is,
I should treat every woman
like a whore?
Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.
She slapped me
and stormed off.
Can you blame her?
You called her a hooker.
I'm sorry, dude.
It was funny.
Yeah. Well,
it's getting late.
I should get back to my room.
Your room?
Yeah, that really expensive
hotel room you put
on your credit card,
never checked out.
By the way,
you know what's super fun?
Pouring Dom Perignon
down a bathtub drain.
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles!
Come on.
If you don't laugh,
it just seems mean.