1 00:00:01,396 --> 00:00:03,243 Okay where were we? 2 00:00:03,243 --> 00:00:05,190 It was June of 2006, 3 00:00:05,190 --> 00:00:07,487 and life had just taken an unexpected turn. 4 00:00:07,487 --> 00:00:10,557 Dad, can't you just skip ahead to the part where you meet Mom? 5 00:00:10,557 --> 00:00:12,912 I feel like you've been talking for like a year. 6 00:00:13,164 --> 00:00:15,528 Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. 7 00:00:15,617 --> 00:00:17,054 It's all part of the story. 8 00:00:17,128 --> 00:00:19,115 - Could I go to the bathroom? - No. 9 00:00:20,166 --> 00:00:24,254 The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful. 10 00:00:24,736 --> 00:00:26,321 For me, it started out great. 11 00:00:26,340 --> 00:00:28,350 In fact, day one was amazing. 12 00:00:28,434 --> 00:00:30,614 I'd finally gotten together with Robin. 13 00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:34,189 But while I'd been off having one of the best nights of my life, 14 00:00:35,413 --> 00:00:38,499 your uncle Marshall had been having one of the worst nights of his. 15 00:00:42,133 --> 00:00:43,249 So that's it? 16 00:00:43,426 --> 00:00:44,509 We're breaking up? 17 00:00:45,183 --> 00:00:47,011 Marshall, I'm sorry. I just... 18 00:00:47,283 --> 00:00:50,301 I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and 19 00:00:50,303 --> 00:00:53,251 - and figure out who I am outside of us. 20 00:00:54,036 --> 00:00:56,620 And the only way that I can do that is if... 21 00:00:57,486 --> 00:00:59,488 if we don't talk for a while. 22 00:01:00,284 --> 00:01:01,381 For a while. 23 00:01:02,325 --> 00:01:04,058 Try never, okay? 24 00:01:04,333 --> 00:01:06,869 You walk out that door, and we're done. 25 00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,561 You're never going to hear my voice again. 26 00:01:09,966 --> 00:01:11,258 I should call her. 27 00:01:11,263 --> 00:01:12,728 - No, No. - Ted it is— 28 00:01:12,736 --> 00:01:15,048 If you call her when she asked you not to you're just going to look weak 29 00:01:15,053 --> 00:01:16,361 and you're going to regret it. 30 00:01:16,413 --> 00:01:20,280 Now, listen, whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first. 31 00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:22,738 And I will punch you in the face. 32 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,181 You're a good friend, Ted. 33 00:01:27,134 --> 00:01:28,508 Hey. 34 00:01:28,675 --> 00:01:29,838 So, did you hear the big news? 35 00:01:29,844 --> 00:01:32,020 You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up, 36 00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:35,521 and Lily's gone and nothing else even remotely important happened last night, 37 00:01:35,523 --> 00:01:37,259 yeah, I think he knows. 38 00:01:37,286 --> 00:01:38,551 Oh, my God. 39 00:01:38,705 --> 00:01:40,740 I-I'm so sorry. Wh— 40 00:01:40,745 --> 00:01:41,900 What happened? 41 00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:43,968 Well, she left. 42 00:01:43,975 --> 00:01:46,590 And I don't even know if she's coming back. 43 00:01:46,916 --> 00:01:48,699 I didn't get your message until I woke up. 44 00:01:49,086 --> 00:01:51,288 - Bro, I am so sorry. - Thanks. 45 00:01:51,426 --> 00:01:52,968 I know it must be tough, 46 00:01:52,976 --> 00:01:56,250 but are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better, 47 00:01:56,256 --> 00:01:58,278 but will actively excite you? 48 00:01:58,283 --> 00:01:59,489 Sure. 49 00:01:59,836 --> 00:02:05,810 For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. 50 00:02:06,133 --> 00:02:10,840 I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it's going to be legendary. 51 00:02:10,985 --> 00:02:13,530 Together, we will own this city. 52 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:17,970 Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, 53 00:02:17,975 --> 00:02:19,550 we'll be there. 54 00:02:19,783 --> 00:02:23,451 Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues 55 00:02:23,456 --> 00:02:27,631 through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. 56 00:02:28,585 --> 00:02:32,029 Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, 57 00:02:32,035 --> 00:02:34,109 sticking their heads out the sunroof shouting, 58 00:02:34,116 --> 00:02:35,651 "What's up, New York?" 59 00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:38,939 we will be what is up New York. 60 00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:42,408 Gentlemen, we are about to embark on... 61 00:02:47,215 --> 00:02:49,768 Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you? 62 00:02:51,283 --> 00:02:56,429 Transcripts : Raceman Subtitles : Willow's Team www.forom.com 63 00:03:05,466 --> 00:03:08,331 One thing I learned that summer is that when love is beginning... 64 00:03:11,183 --> 00:03:15,609 and love is ending, the first 30 days are remarkably similar. 65 00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:19,221 For one thing, you spend most of your time in bed. 66 00:03:24,236 --> 00:03:26,251 Your friends can't stand to listen to you. 67 00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,959 It was a really beautiful song. 68 00:03:32,936 --> 00:03:36,139 So... stupid, man. 69 00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:38,731 And you never seem to wear pants. 70 00:03:43,835 --> 00:03:46,830 - Hey, Marshall. - Hey, Ted. 71 00:03:46,973 --> 00:03:48,101 You hungry? 72 00:03:48,184 --> 00:03:49,918 What's the point? I could eat some food. 73 00:03:49,926 --> 00:03:51,878 It's just going to leave me. 74 00:03:52,205 --> 00:03:54,899 Well, at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping. 75 00:03:56,193 --> 00:03:58,699 Come on, it's Sunday. It's pancakes day. 76 00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:01,380 Lily always made the pancakes. 77 00:04:01,914 --> 00:04:04,008 God, I loved her pancakes. 78 00:04:04,073 --> 00:04:06,951 So soft. So warm. 79 00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:09,041 So perfectly shaped. 80 00:04:09,603 --> 00:04:11,599 Are we still talking about her pancakes? 81 00:04:12,784 --> 00:04:15,058 Come on, you got to eat something; what can I get you? 82 00:04:15,236 --> 00:04:17,770 - Beer. - No, that's what you had for dinner. 83 00:04:17,985 --> 00:04:19,219 Fine. 84 00:04:19,404 --> 00:04:21,410 Then I'll just have leftovers. 85 00:04:23,833 --> 00:04:27,129 So, he stays home all the time not getting laid? 86 00:04:27,236 --> 00:04:30,100 No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. 87 00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:33,201 He should be down here celebrating. He's free. 88 00:04:33,205 --> 00:04:35,769 He got that redheaded tumor removed. 89 00:04:36,433 --> 00:04:38,739 You should write and illustrate children's books. 90 00:04:39,783 --> 00:04:41,161 You know what Marshall needs to do. 91 00:04:41,163 --> 00:04:43,648 He needs to stop being sad. 92 00:04:44,095 --> 00:04:47,831 When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. 93 00:04:48,683 --> 00:04:49,731 True story. 94 00:04:50,634 --> 00:04:52,348 It's only been a month. 95 00:04:52,433 --> 00:04:53,951 He just needs to go at his own pace. 96 00:04:53,955 --> 00:04:56,159 Anyway, Lily's the one who caused this whole mess. 97 00:04:56,164 --> 00:04:57,719 Hey, cut her some slack. 98 00:04:57,723 --> 00:05:00,590 She's our friend, too. She's just trying to figure out who she is. 99 00:05:00,594 --> 00:05:01,790 Figure out who she is? 100 00:05:01,795 --> 00:05:03,809 Yeah, she should call me; I got a whole list. 101 00:05:03,816 --> 00:05:06,801 She's selfish. She's immature. She's... 102 00:05:07,634 --> 00:05:08,298 What? 103 00:05:08,705 --> 00:05:10,931 God, your eyes are so blue. 104 00:05:12,136 --> 00:05:14,068 Teddy Bear. 105 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,051 Oh that's a... 106 00:05:27,133 --> 00:05:28,951 Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad. 107 00:05:29,034 --> 00:05:32,499 I was dating the woman of my dreams, and things were going great. 108 00:05:32,783 --> 00:05:33,951 Well, for the most part. 109 00:05:33,956 --> 00:05:35,860 So, I found her shampoo. 110 00:05:36,015 --> 00:05:37,381 I guess she left it here. 111 00:05:37,846 --> 00:05:39,258 It smells like her. 112 00:05:41,545 --> 00:05:45,799 Like lavender and seashells and hope. 113 00:05:47,853 --> 00:05:52,291 Somehow, erotic and comforting all at the same time. 114 00:05:53,785 --> 00:05:55,161 That's my shampoo. 115 00:05:56,213 --> 00:05:57,959 Oh, sorry. 116 00:05:58,176 --> 00:06:00,508 Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep. 117 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,321 - Uh-oh. - Already? 118 00:06:06,505 --> 00:06:07,719 He's calling her. 119 00:06:07,725 --> 00:06:10,641 - I don't hear any— - He's calling her. 120 00:06:10,833 --> 00:06:11,899 No. 121 00:06:13,136 --> 00:06:15,959 Okay, you're right, I won't call her. 122 00:06:16,166 --> 00:06:18,250 I will not call her. 123 00:06:18,335 --> 00:06:20,369 Well, I called her. 124 00:06:20,703 --> 00:06:23,981 And get this, she changed her number. 125 00:06:23,986 --> 00:06:26,019 What, like I'm going to stalk her, or something? 126 00:06:26,023 --> 00:06:28,019 Like she's so special. 127 00:06:28,024 --> 00:06:29,978 Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there. 128 00:06:30,134 --> 00:06:32,900 'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone, 129 00:06:32,904 --> 00:06:34,840 and they all seem a lot better than her 130 00:06:34,844 --> 00:06:37,361 based on the brief conversations I had with them. 131 00:06:38,015 --> 00:06:40,489 - Does he know I'm in here? - Yeah, hey, Robin. 132 00:06:40,766 --> 00:06:43,831 - Anyways, one of the Lily Aldrins said... - This has to stop. 133 00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:45,649 Ted, we just started dating. 134 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,381 We agreed we don't want to move too fast, 135 00:06:47,386 --> 00:06:49,308 and yet somehow, we have a baby. 136 00:06:49,515 --> 00:06:51,058 He can't feed himself. 137 00:06:51,065 --> 00:06:54,819 - He cries a lot, he keeps us up all night. - Have you tried breast-feeding? 138 00:06:55,084 --> 00:06:56,098 Nailed it! 139 00:06:56,386 --> 00:06:58,979 Look, they were together nine years. 140 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,751 It's only been a month and a half. 141 00:07:00,813 --> 00:07:02,491 He just needs to go at his own pace. 142 00:07:02,515 --> 00:07:04,981 He slept on our floor last night, Ted. 143 00:07:04,986 --> 00:07:08,949 - He watched a scary movie. - It is time for some tough love. 144 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,830 We need to get him out of that apartment. 145 00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,394 He needs fresh air. He needs sunshine. 146 00:07:13,388 --> 00:07:15,819 Mmm, sunshine. 147 00:07:16,256 --> 00:07:19,938 Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Sunshine. 148 00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:26,650 All right, I really don't think this is going to help. 149 00:07:27,275 --> 00:07:29,418 Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? 150 00:07:29,423 --> 00:07:31,579 It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. 151 00:07:31,586 --> 00:07:34,749 You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs; 152 00:07:34,756 --> 00:07:36,029 it's a scientific fact. 153 00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:42,288 The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images or "b-pegs". 154 00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:45,669 And your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's. 155 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,229 There are a lot of them. 156 00:07:48,584 --> 00:07:50,670 Well, they won't go away until you overwrite them 157 00:07:50,675 --> 00:07:52,400 with images of other women's boobs. 158 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:56,351 Now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs, 159 00:07:56,355 --> 00:07:58,751 so we begin here tonight, my friend. 160 00:07:58,865 --> 00:08:00,219 Two at a time. 161 00:08:00,534 --> 00:08:02,338 Those count as four. 162 00:08:07,135 --> 00:08:08,000 Yeah. 163 00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:10,958 This is fun right? We're outside, it's a beautiful day. 164 00:08:11,064 --> 00:08:12,898 The Indians are winning. 165 00:08:13,633 --> 00:08:15,928 I got to admit, it is really nice to be outside. 166 00:08:16,115 --> 00:08:19,751 Yankee fans, please turn your attention to the Diamond Vision for a special 167 00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:22,411 - seventh-inning-stretch surprise - Oh, no. 168 00:08:30,783 --> 00:08:32,679 It's all a big lie! 169 00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:34,941 She's just going to break your heart. 170 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:40,480 You can drag me out of here, but she has no soul! 171 00:08:40,483 --> 00:08:43,090 We've tried everything— baseball, strippers. 172 00:08:43,093 --> 00:08:45,171 The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. 173 00:08:45,173 --> 00:08:46,841 I think he's beyond repair. 174 00:08:46,935 --> 00:08:48,730 See, this is the problem with guys. 175 00:08:48,733 --> 00:08:50,360 You don't know how to deal with heartbreak. 176 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,999 Oh, and what's your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? 177 00:08:53,004 --> 00:08:56,708 Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch Love Actually, till your periods sync up. 178 00:09:03,034 --> 00:09:04,998 Yeah, that's the stuff. 179 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:06,570 Oh, my God. 180 00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:08,241 How long have you been doing this? 181 00:09:08,283 --> 00:09:10,620 Well, my dad taught me to shoot when I was a kid. 182 00:09:10,636 --> 00:09:13,160 Whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here, 183 00:09:13,166 --> 00:09:16,550 and it reminds me that... guns are fun. 184 00:09:20,833 --> 00:09:23,838 Um, you know, Ted is kind of against guns. 185 00:09:24,045 --> 00:09:26,688 And that's why Ted's never going to find out about this. 186 00:09:27,385 --> 00:09:30,579 Whoa, that sounded kind of scary with me holding a gun, didn't it? 187 00:09:30,583 --> 00:09:32,950 No, I-I just mean, please don't tell Ted. 188 00:09:33,464 --> 00:09:34,778 You want to try? 189 00:09:35,433 --> 00:09:37,279 Only hell yeah. 190 00:09:37,926 --> 00:09:40,388 Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what I needed. 191 00:09:40,866 --> 00:09:44,138 I felt so powerless this whole time, but this... 192 00:09:45,096 --> 00:09:47,540 this is power. This is... 193 00:09:50,283 --> 00:09:52,069 I should of mentioned the recoil. 194 00:09:52,536 --> 00:09:55,549 I got to hand it to you, when he got home, Marshall was smiling— 195 00:09:55,555 --> 00:09:56,839 did you sleep with him? 196 00:09:56,955 --> 00:09:59,691 'Cause I was actually, like, three days away from suggesting that. 197 00:09:59,696 --> 00:10:03,039 Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch with your feminine side. 198 00:10:05,934 --> 00:10:09,081 - Yeah, yeah! - Well, congratulations. 199 00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:11,240 You're the first person to cheer him up all summer. 200 00:10:11,313 --> 00:10:13,001 - You win. - Oh, what do I win? 201 00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:15,291 I'll tell you what you win: I'm taking you away this weekend. 202 00:10:15,303 --> 00:10:17,249 You are? That's so nice. 203 00:10:17,255 --> 00:10:19,319 Yeah, my aunt and uncle have a beach house out in Montauk, 204 00:10:19,323 --> 00:10:20,749 oh, it's really romantic. 205 00:10:20,863 --> 00:10:22,769 My uncle's had like three affairs there. 206 00:10:22,943 --> 00:10:26,619 Wow, must be a nice house, I've seen pictures of your uncle. 207 00:10:28,234 --> 00:10:29,458 This is going to be so great. 208 00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,251 We'll finally get some time alone. 209 00:10:31,703 --> 00:10:33,661 Are you sure Marshall's going to be okay with this? 210 00:10:33,665 --> 00:10:36,821 Yeah, absolutely. Dude, I'm doing much better. 211 00:10:37,215 --> 00:10:38,639 In fact, take my car. 212 00:10:38,645 --> 00:10:39,638 - Really? - Yeah. 213 00:10:39,646 --> 00:10:41,398 Hey, thanks... and, hey, 214 00:10:41,404 --> 00:10:43,698 if you need anything day or night, just call me— 215 00:10:43,703 --> 00:10:45,518 You know what, please don't call me. 216 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,098 What? What's wrong? 217 00:10:48,653 --> 00:10:50,498 It's, uh, Lily's credit card bill. 218 00:10:50,874 --> 00:10:52,801 She must have forgotten to switch her address. 219 00:10:52,806 --> 00:10:53,571 So? 220 00:10:54,355 --> 00:10:57,279 So, I wonder what kind of charges she's making out there in San Francisco. 221 00:10:57,286 --> 00:10:59,491 No. No, no good can come from looking at this. 222 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,740 - You've made too much progress already. - I know but I just, maybe the— 223 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:02,569 No! 224 00:11:03,616 --> 00:11:05,219 You're going to thank me for this. 225 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:10,269 You're a good friend, Ted. 226 00:11:11,823 --> 00:11:14,411 August 5th, one charge— tickets. 227 00:11:14,414 --> 00:11:18,501 To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars. 228 00:11:18,503 --> 00:11:21,378 August 10th, one charge: Tennis Emporium. 229 00:11:21,735 --> 00:11:25,861 August 18th, two charges: Mario's Bistro 230 00:11:25,863 --> 00:11:28,739 and, get this, Pet Palace. 231 00:11:30,236 --> 00:11:31,978 You guys see what this means, right? 232 00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:37,029 Wow, Mario's Bistro. 233 00:11:37,094 --> 00:11:39,939 What a perfect place to whore around. 234 00:11:40,035 --> 00:11:42,498 Only the best for my little Lily pad. 235 00:11:43,385 --> 00:11:47,888 Oh, funk legend George Clinton, I am so glad you spotted me at your concert 236 00:11:47,896 --> 00:11:51,620 and dragged me on stage to dance with you Courtney Cox-style. 237 00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:54,360 And I'm so glad you agreed to play tennis with me. 238 00:11:55,593 --> 00:11:58,948 You know, Marshall tried to get me to play tennis for nine years, 239 00:11:58,954 --> 00:12:02,398 but I didn't do it, because I never truly loved him. 240 00:12:03,576 --> 00:12:04,930 I got you a gift. 241 00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:08,749 Oh! A ferret. 242 00:12:08,755 --> 00:12:12,609 Oh, I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. 243 00:12:12,834 --> 00:12:15,260 Oh, I've always wanted one, 244 00:12:15,266 --> 00:12:18,208 but Marshall had this secret phobia of ferrets. 245 00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:21,109 I bet that's something he made you promise not to tell nobody. 246 00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:22,731 It was. 247 00:12:23,495 --> 00:12:24,490 Oh. 248 00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:27,321 I love you, funk legend George Clinton. 249 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,338 I love you, too, Lily. 250 00:12:29,724 --> 00:12:31,990 That's right, Marshall, she's all mine. 251 00:12:32,214 --> 00:12:33,740 Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair. 252 00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:39,548 That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. 253 00:12:39,554 --> 00:12:42,198 Yeah, why are you afraid of ferrets? They're adorable. 254 00:12:42,235 --> 00:12:45,259 Because, Robin, they're like fuzzy, tube-shaped rats. 255 00:12:46,035 --> 00:12:48,079 Plus, those charges are from, like, a month ago. 256 00:12:48,084 --> 00:12:48,720 Exactly. 257 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:50,880 For new charges, you have to go to her online account. 258 00:12:51,044 --> 00:12:54,098 You can see credit card activity from, like, two hours ago. 259 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:58,409 But, you know, don't. 260 00:13:00,806 --> 00:13:03,428 Why do you talk? Why do you talk? 261 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,308 He needs her password. It's not like he has her password. 262 00:13:06,313 --> 00:13:08,209 Ooh, this is good, he has her password. 263 00:13:08,615 --> 00:13:13,100 There's a charge from earlier today: the Kellett Hotel on 5th. 264 00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:17,081 I don't believe this. Lily's back in New York. 265 00:13:20,836 --> 00:13:22,430 I can't believe this. 266 00:13:22,436 --> 00:13:24,108 Lily's in New York? 267 00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:27,430 I-I guess I've been thinking when she got back, she'd call me. 268 00:13:27,914 --> 00:13:31,298 That's really the only reason I've been able to hold it together so far this summer. 269 00:13:31,303 --> 00:13:33,238 This has been "holding it together"? 270 00:13:34,426 --> 00:13:35,658 Okay, you know what? I'm calling her. 271 00:13:35,666 --> 00:13:36,958 - No. - Ted, give me the phone. 272 00:13:36,963 --> 00:13:38,340 You're not calling her, this changes nothing. 273 00:13:38,343 --> 00:13:39,660 You, come here. 274 00:13:40,833 --> 00:13:43,370 Look, while we're away this weekend, can you keep an eye on him, 275 00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:44,930 make sure he doesn't call that hotel? 276 00:13:44,953 --> 00:13:46,278 You want me to babysit him? 277 00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:47,691 20 bucks. 278 00:13:48,026 --> 00:13:48,909 An hour. 279 00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,209 And money for pizza. 280 00:13:50,213 --> 00:13:53,841 Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free or every time we hang out, you have to watch this? 281 00:13:53,845 --> 00:13:54,658 Come here. 282 00:13:54,663 --> 00:13:57,561 - My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips. - Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar... 283 00:13:58,834 --> 00:14:01,291 Okay, I'll do it! Stop being a couple. 284 00:14:02,116 --> 00:14:03,919 - Marshall. - Marshall, Marshall! 285 00:14:03,925 --> 00:14:05,739 Ted, I know I shouldn't do this, but I have to! 286 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:06,379 - You call her... - We were together... 287 00:14:06,384 --> 00:14:07,669 - for nine years! - ... and everything we've been working so hard for 288 00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:08,940 is completely flushed down the toi... 289 00:14:09,115 --> 00:14:10,980 Hello, Lily Aldrin's room, please. 290 00:14:12,076 --> 00:14:13,050 Thank you. 291 00:14:13,733 --> 00:14:14,871 - Hang up now. - Ted, I can't hang up now. 292 00:14:14,874 --> 00:14:15,769 - Hang up now. - The missiles are in the air, 293 00:14:15,774 --> 00:14:17,249 - and I know that you don't approve. - Hang up. 294 00:14:17,255 --> 00:14:17,868 Hello. 295 00:14:24,534 --> 00:14:25,780 Uh, a guy answered. 296 00:14:26,535 --> 00:14:28,428 There's-there's a guy in her room. 297 00:14:30,775 --> 00:14:32,699 - I'm going down there. - Dude, you can't do that. 298 00:14:32,703 --> 00:14:34,581 I have to go down there, and I have to tell her I love her; 299 00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:36,059 I have to beg her to take me back, 300 00:14:36,064 --> 00:14:37,440 even if I have to get down on my knees. 301 00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:39,548 - Marshall, you can't do that. - Oh, really, why not? 302 00:14:39,873 --> 00:14:41,311 56 days. 303 00:14:41,316 --> 00:14:43,768 That's how long it took me to get right about here. 304 00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:45,719 Because you're pathetic! 305 00:14:48,106 --> 00:14:50,629 I'm sorry, but right now, you are not Marshall. 306 00:14:51,174 --> 00:14:55,809 You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall, 307 00:14:55,813 --> 00:14:59,149 and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. 308 00:14:59,364 --> 00:15:01,939 You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line. 309 00:15:02,445 --> 00:15:03,430 Marshall. 310 00:15:03,434 --> 00:15:04,958 The real Marshall. 311 00:15:04,965 --> 00:15:06,829 But if you go down there right now like this, 312 00:15:06,965 --> 00:15:09,469 you're going to blow it for him, and he's never going to forgive you. 313 00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:13,019 Of course, whatever I say, you're just going to do the opposite, so 314 00:15:13,025 --> 00:15:15,561 have a great weekend. Good luck screwing up your life. 315 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:16,699 Come on, Robin. 316 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,148 Is it still okay if we borrow the car? 317 00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:27,400 Bold. Bold to go for the car. 318 00:15:31,135 --> 00:15:31,991 What? 319 00:15:32,376 --> 00:15:34,060 I didn't say a thing. 320 00:15:34,536 --> 00:15:36,309 You think I was too hard on him. 321 00:15:36,434 --> 00:15:37,901 I didn't say a thing. 322 00:15:37,903 --> 00:15:40,219 I can't believe you're accusing me of being too hard on him. 323 00:15:40,236 --> 00:15:41,709 You're the one who said "tough love." 324 00:15:41,713 --> 00:15:44,259 Yeah, tough love, not "hand the guy a noose." 325 00:15:44,263 --> 00:15:46,388 Oh, but it's okay to hand him a nine millimeter? 326 00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:49,680 Yeah, he told me. 327 00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:53,459 So you're a gun nut? 328 00:15:53,463 --> 00:15:55,490 No, I'm a gun enthusiast. 329 00:15:55,495 --> 00:15:56,978 - Do you know how many people... - The Second Amendment... 330 00:15:56,995 --> 00:15:58,478 - are killed each year in accidents... - protects my right to bear arms... 331 00:15:58,486 --> 00:16:00,540 All right, all right, all right. 332 00:16:00,735 --> 00:16:02,139 I was too hard on him. 333 00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:04,501 A little. 334 00:16:07,724 --> 00:16:09,589 I'm going to call Barney, see how they're doing. 335 00:16:10,725 --> 00:16:11,600 Go for Barney. 336 00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:12,929 Oh, hey, where are you guys? 337 00:16:12,935 --> 00:16:16,560 We're at a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college. 338 00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:17,931 Strip club, nice. 339 00:16:18,124 --> 00:16:19,271 Is Marshall okay? 340 00:16:19,576 --> 00:16:21,491 Yeah, he's here and he's great. Uh, hang on. 341 00:16:21,496 --> 00:16:23,021 Marshall? Tell Ted that— 342 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:25,438 Uh-oh. 343 00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:26,550 Already? 344 00:16:27,803 --> 00:16:29,098 What? What uh-oh? 345 00:16:29,105 --> 00:16:30,520 He's gone. 346 00:16:30,583 --> 00:16:31,719 You lost him? 347 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,760 I can't believe this. He's gonna go down to that hotel. 348 00:16:33,934 --> 00:16:36,240 Crap, you're right. Okay, okay, here's the plan, here's the plan. 349 00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,329 You go down to the hotel and find him. 350 00:16:38,334 --> 00:16:40,428 I'll stay here and get a lap dance. On three. One, two... 351 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,300 Barney! 352 00:16:46,815 --> 00:16:49,121 Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place? 353 00:16:49,504 --> 00:16:51,889 A really nice one. 354 00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:57,491 Hi, uh, could you tell me what room Lily Aldrin's in? 355 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:00,519 Marshall. 356 00:17:01,014 --> 00:17:02,030 Hey. 357 00:17:04,033 --> 00:17:05,158 What happened? 358 00:17:05,326 --> 00:17:08,799 Well, I went up to Lily's floor, 359 00:17:08,805 --> 00:17:10,818 and I had this little speech in my head— 360 00:17:10,824 --> 00:17:15,559 everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer about love, loyalty, respect. 361 00:17:17,087 --> 00:17:18,461 I knocked on the door. 362 00:17:24,805 --> 00:17:27,292 So you knocked out Lily's new boyfriend? 363 00:17:27,295 --> 00:17:28,193 Yeah. 364 00:17:28,478 --> 00:17:29,990 It wasn't Lily's boyfriend. 365 00:17:29,996 --> 00:17:31,622 What? Who— who was it? 366 00:17:31,627 --> 00:17:33,491 His name was Joey Adalian, 367 00:17:33,497 --> 00:17:37,100 although he went by a number of aliases in his years as an identity thief. 368 00:17:37,508 --> 00:17:39,352 Apparently, earlier in the summer... 369 00:17:39,718 --> 00:17:42,811 Oh, this is so embarrassing. 370 00:17:42,815 --> 00:17:45,132 I-I could have sworn I had some change. 371 00:17:46,145 --> 00:17:48,092 I know, I know. I'm sorry. 372 00:17:48,887 --> 00:17:50,291 Oh, here we go. 373 00:17:51,086 --> 00:17:52,783 No, that's-that's a button. 374 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:54,403 It was a button. 375 00:17:57,456 --> 00:18:00,472 - Do you, uh, take credit cards? - Yes, I do. 376 00:18:01,187 --> 00:18:04,561 So Lily's not back in town, and she doesn't have a boyfriend? 377 00:18:04,568 --> 00:18:05,992 Th-That's good news, right? 378 00:18:05,996 --> 00:18:06,872 Yeah. 379 00:18:07,986 --> 00:18:09,062 I don't know. 380 00:18:10,105 --> 00:18:13,772 Those credit card charges were the only remaining connection I had to her. 381 00:18:14,956 --> 00:18:17,880 I don't know where she is or what she's doing. 382 00:18:19,075 --> 00:18:22,682 She was my whole life, man, and now she's-she's gone. 383 00:18:27,086 --> 00:18:29,952 You know, first day of college, I showed up, 384 00:18:29,958 --> 00:18:35,250 I was so freaked out, and-and I got up to my room, and there was my roommate, 385 00:18:35,928 --> 00:18:38,362 lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. 386 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:42,702 Had headphones on, big smile on his face like he just didn't give a crap. 387 00:18:43,586 --> 00:18:44,550 Happy. 388 00:18:44,776 --> 00:18:45,903 Confident. 389 00:18:45,908 --> 00:18:47,501 Not afraid of anything. 390 00:18:48,398 --> 00:18:49,972 That guy was you. 391 00:18:50,386 --> 00:18:52,460 You before you met Lily. 392 00:18:54,628 --> 00:18:55,570 Ted? 393 00:18:56,008 --> 00:18:56,890 Yeah? 394 00:18:57,847 --> 00:18:59,311 I was high that day. 395 00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:02,463 I was. I was so high, I thought you were the dean. 396 00:19:04,785 --> 00:19:12,183 Wh-What I'm saying is there's a version of you without Lily, and it's not this. 397 00:19:13,285 --> 00:19:17,531 You can't let Lily steal your identity the way that guy stole hers. 398 00:19:19,807 --> 00:19:20,941 Okay. 399 00:19:22,266 --> 00:19:24,332 Okay, resolved. 400 00:19:24,787 --> 00:19:28,022 Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start being okay. 401 00:19:28,838 --> 00:19:30,223 - Cheers. - Cheers. 402 00:19:37,387 --> 00:19:41,122 But he wasn't, 'cause that's not how life works. 403 00:19:41,205 --> 00:19:43,670 The next day, he found one of her socks or something, 404 00:19:43,678 --> 00:19:45,461 and we were back to square one. 405 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,942 And then, one morning... 406 00:19:49,946 --> 00:19:52,383 Ted, I think you should see this. 407 00:19:53,186 --> 00:19:54,731 Oh, no, what now? 408 00:19:56,585 --> 00:19:59,073 Marshall, what are you doing? 409 00:19:59,786 --> 00:20:00,732 It's Sunday. 410 00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:02,812 It's pancakes day. 411 00:20:07,986 --> 00:20:12,313 It took him 67 days and one really disgusting batch of pancakes... 412 00:20:17,288 --> 00:20:18,410 So good. 413 00:20:19,086 --> 00:20:20,172 So good. 414 00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:23,331 but Marshall had come back from the dead. 415 00:20:23,785 --> 00:20:26,421 Because while baseball, strippers, and guns can help, 416 00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:30,523 the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time.