1 00:00:01,466 --> 00:00:04,804 Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years, 2 00:00:04,814 --> 00:00:07,574 until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. 3 00:00:08,314 --> 00:00:10,959 The healing process was taking a long time. 4 00:00:12,349 --> 00:00:15,201 Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward. 5 00:00:15,211 --> 00:00:16,839 All right, I'll see you guys later. 6 00:00:16,849 --> 00:00:17,978 I'll walk you out. 7 00:00:17,988 --> 00:00:19,222 See ya. 8 00:00:23,512 --> 00:00:25,603 You just checked out Robin's ass. 9 00:00:25,613 --> 00:00:27,685 What? No! No, Barney, I was... 10 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,691 Dude, that's awesome. 11 00:00:29,701 --> 00:00:32,778 You're finally forgetting about that short redhead. 12 00:00:32,859 --> 00:00:33,536 Lily. 13 00:00:33,544 --> 00:00:36,722 Yes, Lily. Thank you. That was going to drive me crazy all night. 14 00:00:36,734 --> 00:00:38,968 Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass. 15 00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:41,619 - I did not, Ted, I... - That's awesome. 16 00:00:41,634 --> 00:00:43,039 You're finally getting better. 17 00:00:43,053 --> 00:00:44,918 This is the moment I've been waiting for. 18 00:00:44,933 --> 00:00:48,361 Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live. 19 00:00:48,375 --> 00:00:50,338 Ted, you had your chance. You're out; Marshall's in. 20 00:00:50,353 --> 00:00:51,691 - Yes! - Oh, God. 21 00:00:51,704 --> 00:00:55,541 Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like... 22 00:00:56,364 --> 00:00:57,990 What's something everybody likes? 23 00:00:58,006 --> 00:00:59,010 Candy. 24 00:00:59,024 --> 00:01:01,550 Yes, it's like being in a candy store. 25 00:01:01,563 --> 00:01:04,870 You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. 26 00:01:05,305 --> 00:01:06,749 Yeah. 27 00:01:07,286 --> 00:01:08,850 Is Whoppers the best one? 28 00:01:08,864 --> 00:01:09,939 Mounds. 29 00:01:09,956 --> 00:01:11,268 Milk Duds. 30 00:01:11,283 --> 00:01:12,918 Gobstoppers. 31 00:01:13,736 --> 00:01:15,960 This went on for another hour; 32 00:01:15,973 --> 00:01:17,439 I'll just skip to the end. 33 00:01:17,455 --> 00:01:19,480 - Dubble Bubbles. - Nice! 34 00:01:19,493 --> 00:01:21,201 Marshall. We're doing this. 35 00:01:21,213 --> 00:01:23,141 I am not taking no for an answer. 36 00:01:23,155 --> 00:01:24,418 Fine. 37 00:01:24,436 --> 00:01:26,540 Hey, Robin. Marshall checked out your ass. 38 00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:28,091 Ted, what is wrong with you? 39 00:01:28,103 --> 00:01:29,758 He checked out my ass. 40 00:01:29,776 --> 00:01:33,299 Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. 41 00:01:33,316 --> 00:01:35,270 Cool, see ya. 42 00:01:38,406 --> 00:01:39,880 Lily. 43 00:01:40,013 --> 00:01:42,178 It is a great ass. 44 00:01:57,392 --> 00:01:59,809 None of us had seen Lily in three months. 45 00:01:59,825 --> 00:02:01,817 There were so many unanswered questions, 46 00:02:01,835 --> 00:02:03,437 so many things to say. 47 00:02:03,455 --> 00:02:06,147 Your hair is adorable. 48 00:02:07,844 --> 00:02:10,750 Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women 49 00:02:10,765 --> 00:02:13,307 for the first time since he was 17. 50 00:02:13,325 --> 00:02:15,578 Hi. Have you met Marshall? 51 00:02:16,325 --> 00:02:17,779 - Hi. - Hi. 52 00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,948 Look how sweaty my hands are. 53 00:02:22,823 --> 00:02:25,410 It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? 54 00:02:25,423 --> 00:02:29,390 Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin. 55 00:02:31,345 --> 00:02:33,130 It was nice meeting you. 56 00:02:33,145 --> 00:02:35,890 I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, 57 00:02:35,902 --> 00:02:37,779 do you like magic? 58 00:02:37,792 --> 00:02:39,857 Um, I guess. 59 00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:44,188 Oh, my God! 60 00:02:48,365 --> 00:02:50,909 Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. 61 00:02:50,925 --> 00:02:53,187 Salad in a bag? His idea. 62 00:02:53,363 --> 00:02:56,118 Dude! You were awesome last night. 63 00:02:56,132 --> 00:02:57,840 You were charming, you were funny, 64 00:02:57,853 --> 00:02:59,589 you were totally working that girl. 65 00:02:59,605 --> 00:03:00,989 You went home with her. 66 00:03:01,003 --> 00:03:02,849 Yes, I did. 67 00:03:03,173 --> 00:03:06,147 But she told me that if it wasn't for me, 68 00:03:06,162 --> 00:03:07,687 you would have had a shot with her, 69 00:03:07,703 --> 00:03:10,548 so, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. 70 00:03:10,564 --> 00:03:11,790 All right! 71 00:03:11,802 --> 00:03:13,669 Hypothetical high five. 72 00:03:15,172 --> 00:03:16,669 Nice. 73 00:03:16,684 --> 00:03:19,008 All right. Tonight, we're going to go to the bar... 74 00:03:19,022 --> 00:03:21,757 Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again. 75 00:03:21,773 --> 00:03:24,568 Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies. 76 00:03:24,584 --> 00:03:25,358 Oh, really? 77 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,507 My favorite, number seven: 78 00:03:27,525 --> 00:03:29,418 create a mystery about yourself. 79 00:03:29,434 --> 00:03:33,198 That way, they become so intrigued, they have to hang out with you all night. 80 00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:35,250 Oh, come on, does that really work? 81 00:03:35,262 --> 00:03:38,270 Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. 82 00:03:40,732 --> 00:03:43,377 Damn it, that's intriguing. Okay, I'm in. 83 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:48,528 - I have something you've got to hear. - You will not believe what just happened. 84 00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:50,139 You go first. 85 00:03:51,183 --> 00:03:54,047 I found a 1939d penny on the subway. 86 00:03:54,123 --> 00:03:57,028 Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy... 87 00:03:57,042 --> 00:03:58,690 Lily's back in town. 88 00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:01,327 And you let me go first? 89 00:04:01,343 --> 00:04:02,308 Have you seen her? 90 00:04:02,322 --> 00:04:05,800 Yeah. I actually went apartment-hunting with her today. 91 00:04:05,814 --> 00:04:07,370 How's she doing? 92 00:04:07,384 --> 00:04:09,118 You're not going to like it. 93 00:04:09,384 --> 00:04:11,638 I am doing great. 94 00:04:11,653 --> 00:04:13,788 This summer, best thing ever! 95 00:04:13,804 --> 00:04:16,558 San Francisco is so happening right now. 96 00:04:16,574 --> 00:04:18,120 She's happy? 97 00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:21,438 Marshall had the worst summer of his life, and she's happy. 98 00:04:22,073 --> 00:04:25,869 Yeah, and I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever. 99 00:04:25,882 --> 00:04:29,589 Oh. The art program— best thing ever. 100 00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:31,520 Oh, my God. 101 00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:33,400 This is your best work. 102 00:04:33,414 --> 00:04:36,569 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... 103 00:04:37,033 --> 00:04:41,268 Needless to say, this is art. 104 00:04:42,295 --> 00:04:44,608 I can't teach you anything. 105 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,068 But the best part of S.F.-- 106 00:04:50,084 --> 00:04:52,260 Oh, that's what we call San Francisco— 107 00:04:52,272 --> 00:04:53,400 the people. 108 00:04:53,415 --> 00:04:55,658 Even just riding around on the bus all summer. 109 00:04:55,675 --> 00:04:59,017 It was like a human tapestry. 110 00:04:59,142 --> 00:05:00,657 Hi, I'm Mike. 111 00:05:00,673 --> 00:05:03,740 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer. 112 00:05:03,854 --> 00:05:07,290 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 113 00:05:07,303 --> 00:05:08,617 Yeah. 114 00:05:08,632 --> 00:05:10,428 I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon. 115 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,658 You are stunning, by the way. 116 00:05:14,955 --> 00:05:17,507 Wow. I'm so happy for you. 117 00:05:17,523 --> 00:05:20,099 Oh, she's such a... 118 00:05:21,732 --> 00:05:25,148 After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated, 119 00:05:25,174 --> 00:05:28,910 crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret. 120 00:05:28,922 --> 00:05:31,250 You never chose sides. I respect that. 121 00:05:31,262 --> 00:05:33,010 She's unbelievable. Unbelievable. 122 00:05:33,022 --> 00:05:35,420 Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? 123 00:05:35,432 --> 00:05:36,777 Oh. Listen, Marshall. 124 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:40,730 Ted found a penny on the subway, and it's old, and that's interesting. 125 00:05:43,795 --> 00:05:45,378 Way to go. 126 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:51,119 Okay, first of all, that is interesting. 127 00:05:51,132 --> 00:05:52,588 Second, we have to tell him. 128 00:05:52,604 --> 00:05:56,267 No, we don't. He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney. 129 00:05:56,283 --> 00:05:59,539 I mean, how do you think he's going to feel when he hears Lily's moved on? 130 00:05:59,553 --> 00:06:01,900 - She's moved on? - It happens. 131 00:06:01,915 --> 00:06:04,017 I've fallen out of love faster than that before, 132 00:06:04,034 --> 00:06:06,640 sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. 133 00:06:06,655 --> 00:06:09,707 One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. 134 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,897 But we're great. 135 00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,618 Honey. 136 00:06:17,185 --> 00:06:20,090 Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. 137 00:06:20,103 --> 00:06:22,637 Lesson two, corollary five. 138 00:06:22,655 --> 00:06:26,017 Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive 139 00:06:26,032 --> 00:06:27,390 and she'll be putty in your hands. 140 00:06:27,393 --> 00:06:29,847 Excellent. Have you chosen your entree? 141 00:06:29,864 --> 00:06:32,710 I have. Sweet brunette, eight o'clock. 142 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,488 Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty. 143 00:06:34,505 --> 00:06:36,259 She's walking to the bar. 144 00:06:37,190 --> 00:06:39,097 - Her? Really? - Yeah. 145 00:06:39,108 --> 00:06:42,175 No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. 146 00:06:42,183 --> 00:06:43,881 Okay. Hit it. 147 00:06:47,845 --> 00:06:50,250 What's the matter, four eyes, you got astigmatism or something? 148 00:06:50,263 --> 00:06:52,177 I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, 149 00:06:52,214 --> 00:06:53,659 but I just got out of a long relationship. 150 00:06:53,694 --> 00:06:55,898 I have no idea what I'm doing. 151 00:06:56,753 --> 00:06:57,747 I'm Marshall. 152 00:06:57,763 --> 00:07:00,027 Hi, Marshall. Amy. 153 00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:01,918 Don't worry. I've been there. 154 00:07:01,934 --> 00:07:03,397 Hold on. 155 00:07:03,413 --> 00:07:05,577 Nice recovery. I think it's working. 156 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,357 Um, Amy. This is my friend, Barney. 157 00:07:08,375 --> 00:07:10,240 Barney, this is Amy. 158 00:07:10,253 --> 00:07:12,118 Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you. 159 00:07:12,134 --> 00:07:13,567 Hi. 160 00:07:14,303 --> 00:07:17,919 Amy, do you like... magic? 161 00:07:17,932 --> 00:07:20,837 - I hate you. - I am so sorry. 162 00:07:20,852 --> 00:07:23,988 It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here. 163 00:07:24,005 --> 00:07:25,198 Twice. 164 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:28,979 Twice in a row, you took my candy. That was my candy. 165 00:07:28,995 --> 00:07:32,119 - I know, but tonight... - No. Forget it. 166 00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:34,609 You're such a jackass. 167 00:07:37,194 --> 00:07:39,419 I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. 168 00:07:40,304 --> 00:07:42,999 All right, I'm sorry. I will make it up to you. 169 00:07:43,015 --> 00:07:45,947 Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU— 170 00:07:45,962 --> 00:07:47,868 The Scorpion and the Toad. 171 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:51,198 I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly 172 00:07:51,212 --> 00:07:54,720 and, as a third-year law student, more smarter. 173 00:07:58,854 --> 00:08:01,149 Okay, but no magic. 174 00:08:03,714 --> 00:08:05,437 How did you do that? 175 00:08:05,454 --> 00:08:07,588 I'm taking a leak, dumb ass. 176 00:08:09,385 --> 00:08:12,660 The next day, Robin and I went apartment-hunting with aunt Lily. 177 00:08:12,674 --> 00:08:15,340 But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, 178 00:08:15,354 --> 00:08:17,597 which was painting, but now I think it's music 179 00:08:17,615 --> 00:08:19,508 or spoken word— maybe both. 180 00:08:19,524 --> 00:08:21,677 God! Isn't life amazing? 181 00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:24,377 It is so great to see you, Ted. 182 00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:27,357 I'm going to get the key from the lockbox. 183 00:08:30,184 --> 00:08:31,139 What? 184 00:08:31,152 --> 00:08:33,918 She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. 185 00:08:33,934 --> 00:08:36,330 Her and Marshall will be back together in a week. I love it! 186 00:08:36,343 --> 00:08:38,517 Um, no. You just want Lily to be miserable. 187 00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:39,809 The truth is, she's happy. 188 00:08:39,823 --> 00:08:41,850 Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years. 189 00:08:41,863 --> 00:08:43,109 Trust me. I'm a girl. 190 00:08:43,124 --> 00:08:44,978 Yeah, but you're Canadian. 191 00:08:44,993 --> 00:08:47,299 - Why do you always have to bring that up? - You're our weird neighbors to the north. 192 00:08:47,335 --> 00:08:51,438 - You bring it up every time. - Five bucks says she still wants Marshall. 193 00:08:51,453 --> 00:08:52,729 You're on. 194 00:08:52,743 --> 00:08:54,249 Five American bucks. 195 00:08:54,265 --> 00:08:55,909 Damn it. 196 00:08:56,034 --> 00:08:58,278 Okay, so how do we get the truth out of her. 197 00:08:58,293 --> 00:09:00,198 Tequila. It's her weakness. 198 00:09:00,213 --> 00:09:02,810 Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything. 199 00:09:03,153 --> 00:09:06,049 I hope this is my new home. 200 00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:11,539 Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment. 201 00:09:12,704 --> 00:09:14,718 Marshall Eriksen, suit up! 202 00:09:14,734 --> 00:09:15,478 No way. 203 00:09:15,495 --> 00:09:17,149 Yeah, you're good in that. 204 00:09:17,163 --> 00:09:19,248 - Let's go. - Wait. 205 00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:21,057 Empty your pockets. 206 00:09:21,985 --> 00:09:23,298 Come on. 207 00:09:28,492 --> 00:09:30,770 - Come on, let's... - Sleeves. 208 00:09:30,783 --> 00:09:33,808 - There is nothing in my... - Oh, is that right? 209 00:09:40,995 --> 00:09:42,510 Let's go. 210 00:09:42,932 --> 00:09:47,100 - Behind my ear. - There is nothing behind your... 211 00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:55,318 Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The workload's killing me, though. 212 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:58,719 Oh, tell me about it. I'm third year at Columbia Law, so... 213 00:09:58,734 --> 00:10:02,017 if the workload does kill you, I can probably get a conviction. 214 00:10:03,053 --> 00:10:04,479 Yeah. 215 00:10:04,493 --> 00:10:06,477 You must be majoring in chemistry, 216 00:10:06,492 --> 00:10:09,578 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... 217 00:10:10,272 --> 00:10:12,858 College lesbian phase. 218 00:10:16,404 --> 00:10:20,380 Listen, I got to go, but it'd be great to see you again. 219 00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,699 Yes, it would. 220 00:10:22,933 --> 00:10:25,019 It really would. 221 00:10:25,644 --> 00:10:28,188 Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime. 222 00:10:28,313 --> 00:10:31,059 Probably not. I'm never here, so... 223 00:10:31,283 --> 00:10:33,198 You know, I do have a phone number. 224 00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,820 Great. 225 00:10:35,215 --> 00:10:36,940 Nice. 226 00:10:37,052 --> 00:10:39,388 - Hi, I'm Barney. - Oh, no. 227 00:10:39,404 --> 00:10:43,180 Do you... mind giving my friend your phone number? 228 00:10:43,194 --> 00:10:44,870 Sure. 229 00:10:46,602 --> 00:10:48,189 Whoo! 230 00:10:48,203 --> 00:10:51,020 I did it! I got a girl's phone number. 231 00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:53,470 Oh, and her handwriting is so cute, look. 232 00:10:53,482 --> 00:10:55,098 Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinesr food 233 00:10:55,134 --> 00:10:56,617 and then maybe we'll walk through the park. 234 00:10:56,653 --> 00:10:58,937 It'll be so... what? 235 00:10:59,173 --> 00:11:02,147 Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too. 236 00:11:06,882 --> 00:11:08,468 I'll kill you! 237 00:11:08,485 --> 00:11:10,939 And then, I discovered this area, North Beach. 238 00:11:10,954 --> 00:11:12,728 Best beach ever! 239 00:11:12,742 --> 00:11:16,079 Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. 240 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,800 How are you guys doing? 241 00:11:17,814 --> 00:11:19,520 And hey, how's Marshall? 242 00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,419 - Give me the card! - I'm not giving you any card. 243 00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:22,867 - I swear...! - You are not getting...! 244 00:11:22,903 --> 00:11:24,149 Terrific. 245 00:11:24,164 --> 00:11:27,058 That is so good to hear. Oh, hold on. 246 00:11:27,075 --> 00:11:29,788 This could be about the apartment. 247 00:11:30,324 --> 00:11:32,378 Okay, we're way past truth-telling-Lilly 248 00:11:32,393 --> 00:11:34,697 and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lilly 249 00:11:34,713 --> 00:11:36,639 and I'm not cleaning that up again. 250 00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:39,757 So, congratulations, you win. 251 00:11:39,774 --> 00:11:41,800 She's happy. 252 00:11:41,812 --> 00:11:43,589 I didn't get it. 253 00:11:43,742 --> 00:11:46,110 That first apartment, I... 254 00:11:46,124 --> 00:11:48,238 I waited too long and... 255 00:11:48,253 --> 00:11:50,708 somebody else got it. 256 00:11:53,552 --> 00:11:55,938 Interesting. 257 00:11:56,252 --> 00:11:58,029 Wow, Lily, you, uh... 258 00:11:58,043 --> 00:12:00,977 seem to be having a pretty strong reaction on losing an apartment. 259 00:12:00,994 --> 00:12:04,020 I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost 260 00:12:04,032 --> 00:12:06,299 because you couldn't commit. 261 00:12:06,313 --> 00:12:09,130 No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding 262 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:12,390 and the real hardwood floors. There's no deeper meaning. 263 00:12:12,403 --> 00:12:15,379 Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him. 264 00:12:16,314 --> 00:12:21,379 The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall. 265 00:12:27,419 --> 00:12:28,952 - Stop it! - You don't want to see... 266 00:12:28,966 --> 00:12:30,473 - .. what I'm like when I'm angry. - It's my card! 267 00:12:30,489 --> 00:12:32,022 Stop! Hold on! 268 00:12:32,039 --> 00:12:33,753 If we can't settle this like gentlemen, 269 00:12:33,769 --> 00:12:34,902 then no one gets the number. 270 00:12:34,916 --> 00:12:37,743 - No! Stop the cab. - Wha...? 271 00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:42,104 No, wait. Come on. Marshall! 272 00:12:42,116 --> 00:12:44,364 81st and First, please. 273 00:12:46,998 --> 00:12:50,092 Ah, she does have cute handwriting. 274 00:12:51,056 --> 00:12:52,542 The thing about a hangover 275 00:12:52,558 --> 00:12:54,993 is that everyone has their own special remedy. 276 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,234 Morning, guys. What can I get you? 277 00:12:56,268 --> 00:12:57,492 Shh! 278 00:12:57,508 --> 00:13:00,551 Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. 279 00:13:00,569 --> 00:13:02,253 And a milkshake. 280 00:13:02,268 --> 00:13:03,871 For you, sir? 281 00:13:04,607 --> 00:13:06,162 Gravy. 282 00:13:07,288 --> 00:13:09,712 You want that gravy on something? 283 00:13:09,726 --> 00:13:11,493 Surprise me. 284 00:13:11,509 --> 00:13:15,533 I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. 285 00:13:15,549 --> 00:13:18,003 Just kidding. I'm good. 286 00:13:19,227 --> 00:13:21,482 What are you so chirpy about? 287 00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:23,553 She's still drunk from last night. 288 00:13:23,568 --> 00:13:25,423 I don't think so. 289 00:13:25,437 --> 00:13:27,624 Whoo! 290 00:13:29,637 --> 00:13:32,042 Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, 291 00:13:32,058 --> 00:13:34,513 how come it took you two days to even ask about him? 292 00:13:34,529 --> 00:13:38,203 I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool. 293 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,524 But really... 294 00:13:39,538 --> 00:13:41,333 But it's good, I mean, work is great... 295 00:13:41,346 --> 00:13:43,334 Come on, say something about Marshall. Where's Marshall? 296 00:13:43,368 --> 00:13:45,023 How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? 297 00:13:45,057 --> 00:13:47,464 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall. 298 00:13:47,498 --> 00:13:49,804 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Marshall, Marshall, 299 00:13:49,818 --> 00:13:52,272 Marshall, Marshall... I've got to ask! 300 00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,472 And hey, how's Marshall? 301 00:13:54,489 --> 00:13:56,331 It was such an awful summer. 302 00:13:56,348 --> 00:13:58,852 I just wanted to get back here and see him. 303 00:13:58,866 --> 00:14:01,023 But I thought your summer was great. 304 00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:03,054 Not exactly. 305 00:14:03,068 --> 00:14:05,453 Oh, my God. 306 00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:08,154 This is you best work? 307 00:14:08,479 --> 00:14:13,143 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so needless. 308 00:14:13,158 --> 00:14:16,931 To say this is... art... 309 00:14:18,278 --> 00:14:20,553 I can't teach you anything. 310 00:14:21,339 --> 00:14:25,794 So all those interesting people you met on the bus? 311 00:14:25,806 --> 00:14:27,431 Yeah, um... 312 00:14:27,489 --> 00:14:29,444 Hi. I'm Mike. 313 00:14:29,459 --> 00:14:33,251 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. 314 00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:37,992 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 315 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:44,324 Hey, I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way. 316 00:14:44,966 --> 00:14:47,981 I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. 317 00:14:47,999 --> 00:14:49,694 I screwed everything up. 318 00:14:49,707 --> 00:14:52,771 I have no job, no place to live. 319 00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:55,824 I lost the love of my life. 320 00:14:56,058 --> 00:14:59,311 I know I have no right to ask this, but... 321 00:14:59,329 --> 00:15:01,793 do you think Marshall would take me back? 322 00:15:01,809 --> 00:15:03,153 In a heartbeat. 323 00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:06,834 If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms. 324 00:15:06,847 --> 00:15:09,921 Wow. So maybe I should call him. 325 00:15:09,939 --> 00:15:11,393 Maybe. 326 00:15:11,769 --> 00:15:14,432 No! This is... Ow! 327 00:15:15,578 --> 00:15:16,772 Hold on. 328 00:15:16,788 --> 00:15:19,194 Look, if you're going to go back to him, 329 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,341 I don't want to hear the word "maybe." 330 00:15:20,357 --> 00:15:22,483 "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. 331 00:15:22,499 --> 00:15:24,293 This breakup almost killed him. 332 00:15:24,308 --> 00:15:26,652 And he cannot go through it again. 333 00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:31,682 So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him. 334 00:15:35,209 --> 00:15:37,833 This guy likes pennies. 335 00:15:40,747 --> 00:15:41,652 Hi, Marshall. 336 00:15:41,668 --> 00:15:43,824 No, go away. I don't want to talk to you. 337 00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:49,043 Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back is in a moral gray area. 338 00:15:49,057 --> 00:15:52,472 But the great news is, she loved you. 339 00:15:52,489 --> 00:15:54,701 If things had gone your way— you'd gone out a couple times, 340 00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:57,013 I think she definitely would have had sex with you. 341 00:15:57,028 --> 00:15:59,572 There's no "would" in sex. 342 00:16:01,278 --> 00:16:04,771 You're right, I totally... I'm just no good at this, Barney. 343 00:16:04,786 --> 00:16:07,913 I'm good at being in a couple, I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. 344 00:16:07,928 --> 00:16:09,992 Being single— forget it. 345 00:16:10,006 --> 00:16:11,552 Come on, you can't give up now. 346 00:16:11,568 --> 00:16:13,824 What if I told you that you could relive that night 347 00:16:13,837 --> 00:16:16,641 with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes 348 00:16:16,659 --> 00:16:20,043 only this time, you get her and I don't. 349 00:16:20,057 --> 00:16:21,211 That's not possible. 350 00:16:21,227 --> 00:16:22,671 Oh, but it is. 351 00:16:22,686 --> 00:16:24,332 She has... 352 00:16:24,347 --> 00:16:25,954 wait for it... 353 00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:27,594 here it comes... 354 00:16:27,608 --> 00:16:29,204 almost there... 355 00:16:29,216 --> 00:16:31,174 an identical twin. 356 00:16:31,186 --> 00:16:32,742 Yes! 357 00:16:32,957 --> 00:16:34,911 A twin isn't the same person. 358 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,232 Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 359 00:16:37,249 --> 00:16:40,304 "Ident"-- same, "ical"-- person. Same person. 360 00:16:40,717 --> 00:16:43,074 Hey, we could double date. 361 00:16:44,298 --> 00:16:45,632 Fine. 362 00:16:45,649 --> 00:16:48,791 But you have to promise me, you're not going to steal my new twin, 363 00:16:48,806 --> 00:16:53,173 and leave me with your old, used-up twin. 364 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,882 U sed-up? 365 00:16:54,897 --> 00:16:57,684 They're a human being, Marshall. 366 00:16:59,246 --> 00:17:01,582 So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out 367 00:17:01,596 --> 00:17:03,954 on a double date with the twins. 368 00:17:04,666 --> 00:17:06,051 How you doing? 369 00:17:06,069 --> 00:17:08,851 Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. 370 00:17:08,868 --> 00:17:10,584 And I think me and the girl are really clicking. 371 00:17:10,616 --> 00:17:12,272 You are, you definitely are. 372 00:17:12,286 --> 00:17:14,434 Listen, you're going to have to leave now. 373 00:17:14,446 --> 00:17:16,274 I just talked with the twins, and get this, 374 00:17:16,289 --> 00:17:19,273 I'm going home with both of them. 375 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,491 Yeah. That's happening. 376 00:17:22,837 --> 00:17:25,663 It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. 377 00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:28,121 But they're twins. 378 00:17:28,138 --> 00:17:30,394 You— you said to me that being single 379 00:17:30,406 --> 00:17:32,104 would be like being in a candy store. 380 00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:33,974 Well, it's not, it's not like a candy store. 381 00:17:33,988 --> 00:17:37,084 It's a lawless, postapocalyptic wasteland. 382 00:17:37,096 --> 00:17:39,063 - I may be your best friend... - Actually Ted's my best friend. 383 00:17:39,096 --> 00:17:42,811 But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. 384 00:17:42,827 --> 00:17:44,851 That's what being single is. 385 00:17:44,866 --> 00:17:46,821 And after nine years in captivity, 386 00:17:46,836 --> 00:17:48,922 that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you 387 00:17:48,936 --> 00:17:51,032 about surviving in the wild. 388 00:17:51,046 --> 00:17:52,841 Now, if you'll excuse me... 389 00:17:52,858 --> 00:17:54,933 I have two unique breasts 390 00:17:54,947 --> 00:17:57,873 and two duplicates waiting for me. 391 00:18:02,108 --> 00:18:04,782 Oh, bad news— Marshall got food poisoning. 392 00:18:04,797 --> 00:18:05,893 - What? - Oh, no. 393 00:18:05,907 --> 00:18:08,031 That's too bad. I really liked him. 394 00:18:08,047 --> 00:18:12,341 Yeah. Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight. 395 00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:25,682 Lily, what are you doing here? 396 00:18:25,698 --> 00:18:28,964 Oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't... 397 00:18:28,999 --> 00:18:31,783 Oh, you mean New York? My program ended. 398 00:18:31,797 --> 00:18:34,643 It was just great. Just lots of fun... 399 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,804 It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. 400 00:18:37,818 --> 00:18:41,201 I'm so sorry, Marshall, and... hello. 401 00:18:43,488 --> 00:18:46,462 Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. 402 00:18:46,476 --> 00:18:49,192 I know. It was the worst summer of my life. 403 00:18:49,207 --> 00:18:52,222 It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through. 404 00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:56,114 Can we please get back together? 405 00:18:57,148 --> 00:19:00,373 All that crap you said to me about, 406 00:19:00,387 --> 00:19:03,793 "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, 407 00:19:03,808 --> 00:19:06,744 and we need to learn to do things on our own," 408 00:19:07,617 --> 00:19:09,831 it broke my heart. 409 00:19:11,278 --> 00:19:13,852 Three months ago, you broke my heart. 410 00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:18,803 Can we please get back together? 411 00:19:20,156 --> 00:19:22,132 Lily, you were right. 412 00:19:23,689 --> 00:19:26,074 All that crap was right. 413 00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:29,472 So, no. 414 00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,152 No, we can't get back together. 415 00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:33,904 We shouldn't. 416 00:19:34,097 --> 00:19:36,243 At least, not right now. 417 00:19:38,647 --> 00:19:40,284 Wow. 418 00:19:40,578 --> 00:19:42,263 Okay. 419 00:19:43,548 --> 00:19:45,281 Yeah. 420 00:19:46,937 --> 00:19:48,393 Well... 421 00:19:50,386 --> 00:19:52,982 Will we still see each other? 422 00:19:53,456 --> 00:19:55,554 Yeah, yeah. 423 00:19:55,568 --> 00:19:57,253 I think so. 424 00:19:58,778 --> 00:20:00,503 I don't know. 425 00:20:01,709 --> 00:20:03,981 This is all really new to me. 426 00:20:05,399 --> 00:20:08,204 I just got out of a long relationship. 427 00:20:12,468 --> 00:20:14,113 I like your hair. 428 00:20:14,369 --> 00:20:16,174 Thanks. 429 00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:20,114 I figured new city, a different color... 430 00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:35,927 And the pizza there, worst pizza ever. 431 00:20:35,942 --> 00:20:39,238 I'm so glad to be back in New York. 432 00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:44,379 Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin 433 00:20:44,392 --> 00:20:46,959 to make things up to you... 434 00:20:49,543 --> 00:20:52,067 Actually there may be something that you can do for me, 435 00:20:52,082 --> 00:20:55,569 but you can never ever ask me why. 436 00:20:55,583 --> 00:20:58,787 So then I was promoted to assistant ménage-er... 437 00:20:58,802 --> 00:21:01,860 Manager— why do I keep doing that? 438 00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:06,938 - Lily? - You gave me chlamydia, you jerk. 439 00:21:11,434 --> 00:21:14,709 So where was I? Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er... 440 00:21:14,724 --> 00:21:17,769 I did it again. I can't believe it. 441 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:23,848 You gave my twin sister chlamydia. You slime! 442 00:21:25,972 --> 00:21:28,450 Wha... wait, I know magic. 443 00:21:31,983 --> 00:21:34,437 Well played, Eriksen. 444 00:21:34,455 --> 00:21:36,969 Well played. 445 00:21:38,675 --> 00:21:42,997 Transcript : Raceman Subtitles : Willow's Team www.forom.com