and we all went out to brunch.
We all look
pretty happy, right?
Wrong.
I wish your face
would melt off.
I wish your eyeballs
would explode.
I hate you.
I hate you more.
I'm going to kill him.
I can't say I blame you.
No, I mean, I'm seriously
going to kill him.
I don't care
how unpleasant it is.
You have to talk to him.
Not now.
Okay, if you don't, I will.
Robin...
Okay, for any
of this to make sense,
you got to understand
there are three parts
to this story.
Let's start with
the Marshall and Lily part.
As a 30th anniversary gift,
I had flown my parents
to New York for the weekend.
Oh, I forgot to tell you,
your cousin Jimmy
had a wonderful time
at that spa he visited.
You mean the spa
the judge ordered him
to go to, to quit cocaine?
Coffee?
Now,
Grandma and Grandpa didn't
like to talk about things
that were uncomfortable,
emotional,
or in any way real.
Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Mosby.
Oh, Lily! Hi, Marshall.
Good to see you.
I was just stopping by
to pick up some of my things.
Yes, we were so sorry
to hear about your...
You know, the... The...
Well...
Lily calling off the wedding
and dumping me?
Me begging Marshall
to take me back
and him rejecting me?
I love your hair.
This was only
the second time
Marshall and Lily
had seen each other
since breaking up,
but to their credit,
it wasn't that awkward.
Actually, we're cool.
We just divided up CDs.
It was all very civil.
I'm proud of us.
We're good.
Well, we were all going to go
to Casa A Pezzi at 8:00.
Lily, would you
like to join us?
Um...
What?
Well, I don't want to go
if it would make you
uncomfortable.
Why would it?
Well, I mean,
yeah, we're good,
but you got to admit
there's that stuff
between us.
Not for me.
Now it's just like
we're friends.
It's like we're
brother and sister.
"Brother and sister"?
Okay. Fine, yeah.
I'll see you at
the restaurant, bro.
See?
Not awkward at all.
Hello, everyone.
Hi.
Hello, Marshall.
Lily, that is
a stunning dress.
Oh, thanks.
It's kind of revealing,
but I thought,
"Hey, we're all family."
Right, bro?
What's wrong?
Oh, I... I hurt my
ankle in yoga today.
The instructor told me
to just take deep breaths
to get through the pain,
just...
Are you all right?
You're kind of sweating.
No, I'm fine.
It's just...
This roll is really spicy.
Lily is evil!
She just wore that
dress to torture me.
Well, you know what?
Two can play at that game.
See, at brunch,
I'm going to torture
Lily right back.
Yeah. There's a part
of my body that she's got
a weakness for, too.
Dude, you can't whip
that out at brunch.
No, not that.
I'm going to
unleash my calves.
That's crazy.
Nobody's turned on
by men's calves.
They're a thoroughly
unerotic body part.
Well, yeah,
I'd say that, too,
if I had those skinny
little chicken legs.
I'll be waiting by the phone
for your apology.
So, Marshall
showed up at brunch
with a plan.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Hey, Marshall.
Hey.
Hey. How are you feeling?
You looked kind of
feverish last night.
Oh, no,
I actually feel great.
It is kind of warm in here,
though, isn't it?
Well, I don't know,
if anything, it's kind of...
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing.
Nothing at all.
I'm just making myself feel
a little bit more comfortable.
Oh, yes.
I've been doing all these
toe lifts lately,
and so my calves have
really been cramping up.
Take off your dress.
Take off
the rest of your pants.
I really wasn't expecting
that to happen.
Yeah, me, neither.
It kind of complicates
things, doesn't it?
Yeah, it does.
Why did you have
to throw your magnificent
calves at me?
You know you have
a punter's leg.
Well,
why did you have to throw
your beautiful boobs at me?
You know you have boobs.
Just admit it,
you came here
trying to seduce me.
Seduce you?
You seduced me.
You sat down next to me and
took most of your pants off.
You went to San Francisco
for three months.
How is that seducing you?
Well, it's not,
but I'm still mad about it.
All right, that's it.
I want The Beatles Anthology.
Oh, well, that's too bad,
I'm keeping it.
And you know the U2
box set I gave you?
Look inside,
all Dave Matthews.
You are evil.
Smile.
I'm going to kill him.
I can't say I blame you.
No, I mean, I'm seriously
going to kill him.
Now let's talk
about the Barney part
of the story.
This was going to be
Robin's first time
meeting my parents,
so we were both
a little nervous.
Barney,
what are you doing here?
I'm here to
meet your parents.
They must be
dying to meet me
after all the legendary
Barney stories
you've told them.
I haven't told them
any legendary Barney stories.
What?
Barney, here is a list
of all the things
I talk with my dad about:
baseball...
But I'm your best friend.
Well, actually,
Marshall's my...
I'm the most important
person in your life.
Well, Robin's actually...
How could your parents
not know about me?
I'm delightful.
To us, sure,
in very small,
infrequent doses.
I mean, come on,
you're not exactly
the kind of friend
parents want
their kid to have.
Oh, really?
Then I guess
those shoes aren't the thing
you're most wrong about today.
Hey, Mom. Hi, Dad.
MR. Ted.
I know you've all
been excited to meet...
Barney Stinson.
An honor to meet
the two of you.
That needlepoint
"Bless This Mess" pillow
you made for Ted?
What a stitch.
"Stitch."
Did that just happen?
Mom, Dad,
this is my girlfriend, Robin.
Hello, Robin.
Hello.
Oh, it's wonderful
to meet you, Robin.
Oh, you are so pretty.
Isn't she pretty, Al?
A real looker.
That's funny,
I didn't even "look"
in the mirror today.
That's not anything,
is it?
So, I made a reservation at
San Marino tonight for 8:00.
San Marino.
Oh, you're serious. Yikes.
No, we have to try
Casa A Pezzi.
Best salmon risotto
I have ever had.
I love salmon risotto.
I know.
How are we supposed to get
a table at Casa A Pezzi?
They're booked for weeks.
Well, lucky for you,
I happen to know
the head waitress,
which is ironic because...
Stop it, don't.
Ironic because we both work
at a homeless shelter
where I serve the food.
Where do you volunteer,
Robin?
What's the matter with you?
I'm his girlfriend,
and I'm not even
trying that hard.
Way to wreck the curve,
kiss ass.
Robin, I'm his best friend.
That's a commitment.
Girlfriend,
that's like a bad flu.
Out of your system after
a couple weeks in bed.
High five!
Can I help?
Yes, you can, Virginia.
There's a story
behind that brooch,
and I'm going
to hear it.
Well, funny you should ask.
Whoa! Bravo, Barney!
That is my
all-time favorite sonata.
Barney,
you are just delightful.
No, Virginia,
you're delightful,
I am delighted.
And he's just Ted.
I'm really not
planning these things.
They just keep happening.
Oops.
I think I dropped
an ice cube down here.
It's so cold.
All right, that's it,
I'm out of here.
In a minute.
Anyone up for
a drink at MacLaren's?
I'm kind of tired.
Me, too.
Yeah, I'm sure
my folks are gonna...
I feel like I could
knock back a few cervezas.
"Cervezas"?
Did he fall?
I'd join you, too,
but I want to get up early
for mass tomorrow.
Saint Peter's, 8:45 a.m.,
it's my favorite service.
Wait a minute,
you're able to cross
the threshold of a church?
I'll save you a seat.
Barney,
you are just terrific.
Isn't he, Susan?
Robin.
Susan,
her name is Virginia.
Dude, I am sincerely ticked
at your dad right now.
Why?
Last night,
we go to MacLaren's
for a drink, right?
So, Barney darts back
into the burning house,
lifts up the refrigerator
I'm pinned under
and pulls me to safety.
Wow, you're like a hero!
Oh, I'm no hero, Wendy.
You know who is a hero?
My Dalmatian, Smokey.
He didn't make it out.
I'm sorry.
You poor, brave man.
Why don't you
give the guy a hug?
I'm...
My dad was your wing man?
This is really
messing with my head.
Barney, is my dad cool?
I'm not done.
So, your dad stays
to finish his drink,
but I take off because
I have to be up early
for mass with your mom.
Sure.
Anyway, I realize
that I left my phone
on the bar,
so I come back...
Oh, my God.
Is that really...
Oh, my God!
I know.
Can you believe your dad
rack-jacked me like that?
My dad made out with Wendy,
the waitress?
He cheated on my mom?
No, that's impossible!
Ted,
it's a well-known statistic
that 83% of people
married longer than
six months are seeing
someone on the side.
Do you know that
when you make up a statistic,
you always use 83%?
You think I'm lying.
Well, have you done any
surveys on the subject?
Because the good people at
www.swingers. openmarriages
natural/legalizepolygamy. org
have,
and they beg to differ.
That's not a real Web site.
Oh, and I suppose
I didn't get a real t-shirt
for running in their 10K.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Ted. Barney.
Enjoying your
vacation so far?
Oh, yeah.
Listen, can I speak to you
outside for a sec?
Sure.
So, you went out
with Barney last night?
Yeah.
Did you had a good time?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sorry you couldn't join us.
Yeah. So...
What?
Well...
Well, what?
You think Serrano's got
a shot at the RBI title?
I wanted to confront him,
but I couldn't.
I guess I got the
let's-not-talk-about-
anything-uncomfortable gene.
Well, you didn't get
your dad's close-the-deal
gene, that's for sure.
Smile!
Great.
I don't care
how unpleasant it is.
You have to talk to him.
Not now.
Okay, if you don't,
I will.
Robin...
Okay,
now I got to back up
all the way to the beginning
to tell you the me and Robin
part of the story.
We were expecting my parents
at any minute.
One last thing about my mom.
She grills every single one
of my girlfriends
about when we're gonna get
married and have kids.
This is the first time
she's meeting me.
Doesn't matter.
And you'll know it's coming
when she mentions
my cousin Stacy.
Six kids in five years.
The woman's basically
a ride at a water park.
I don't want to get
married and have kids.
What am I supposed to say?
You know what?
You're an adult with
perfectly valid opinions.
You shouldn't have
to apologize for them.
I'm gonna lie.
I would.
Thanks again for letting me
have the U2 box set.
I know how important
it is to you.
I talked to Aunt Caroline
the other day.
Stacy's pregnant again.
Oh, good for her.
So, dear...
Oh, boy.
tell us what it's like
being a journalist.
I'm just not ready.
Okay. No pressure.
Oh. I thought you...
It's great.
Good.
Focus on your job now,
because your career clock
is ticking.
There's time for
marriage and kids
and all that
other stuff later.
Oh, a piano!
You lucked out with my mom
last night, huh?
What a relief, right?
Oh, absolutely.
What a relief it is to know
I'm the one girlfriend
your mom doesn't want you
to have kids with.
Hooray?
I mean, did she really think
that your college girlfriend,
Cheryl,
would pop out
attractive children?
'Cause I've seen pictures,
and I'm sorry,
that girl had a brow ridge
like a caveman.
Come on,
she was just frowning
under direct light.
And besides, that's not even
what I liked about her.
It was her...
It's not important.
What happened to
Marshall and Lily?
They've been fighting lately.
They're probably off somewhere
going at it.
More coffee?
Oh, no, thank you.
Isn't she sweet?
Well, if she's so sweet,
maybe she should have
Ted's babies.
Excuse me?
Nothing.
Just a minute.
Maybe less.
Robin, dear.
Did I say something
to upset you?
Why don't you want me
to have your grandkids?
Do you want to
have my grandkids?
No! I mean, I don't know.
I just... I want you
to want me to want
to have your grandkids.
And you should.
I'm a genetic gold mine.
No family history of diabetes
or heart disease.
Everyone has nonporous teeth
and perfect eyesight.
I had one
schizophrenic uncle,
but even he had
perfect vision,
which was unfortunate
for the people around
the bell tower he was in,
but still, he was
a very fine man, and...
Excuse me. Sorry.
Didn't know that
there was a line.
Marshall, your zipper.
Oh, right.
Robin, it's not that
I don't want grandkids.
It's just I don't think anyone
should make the mistake
of getting
married too young.
Why do you say that?
I mean,
you got married pretty young.
That wasn't a mistake.
Was it?
Okay, there's something
you don't know.
Smile.
I wish your face
would melt off.
I wish your eyeballs
would explode.
I'm gonna kill him.
I don't care
how unpleasant it is.
You have to talk to him.
Not now.
Okay, if you don't,
I will.
Robin...
Oh, gosh, let me help you
pick those up, sweetheart!
"Sweetheart"?
The only sweetheart
in your life
should be the woman
you married 30 years ago,
not the waitress
at the bar last night,
and not this clumsy floozy!
I'm sorry,
you're not a floozy.
I'm upset.
I don't know
what I'm saying.
But stay away from my dad.
Ted, what are you
talking about?
Dad?
You want to tell Mom
what happened at
the bar last night?
Okay. I hooked up
with a waitress.
Oh.
"Oh"?
I mean, oh!
We're going to have
a serious talk about this
when we get home, Al.
"Serious talk"?
Mom, what...
He was kissing
another woman.
Don't you care?
Mrs. Mosby?
Ted, we weren't quite sure
how to tell you this...
Your mother and I
are divorced.
What do you mean
you're divorced?
Since when?
Oh, gosh, it's been
about nine months now.
Closer to 10, I think.
Time flies.
So, 10 months ago,
you just up and
decided to get divorced
without telling me?
No, it wasn't
a snap decision.
We'd been separated
almost two years.
How could you
not tell me this?
We meant to,
it just never seemed
like the right time.
So, last Christmas...
We talked about
telling you kids then,
but it didn't seem
very Christmassy.
I got you a tandem bike.
Oh, it didn't go to waste.
Your mother and Frank
ride it all the time.
Who the hell is Frank?
Oh, great guy.
I actually set them up.
You remember Dr. Muchnik.
He did your braces.
Okay, my head's
about to explode,
and I don't want to get it
all over everyone's waffles,
so I am leaving.
Teddy bear...
You know, he mentioned
he was divorced last night.
I totally spaced on that.
No line
at the omelet station.
Lily,
I'm sorry that I said
all those things.
Me, too.
I just find it
really confusing to be
around you right now.
It's the same for me.
I think we're probably
both better off
trying to keep some
distance for a while.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Are you wearing
a push-up bra?
Did you Mystic Tan
your calves?
I withdraw the question.
We're sorry we didn't say
anything about the divorce.
It was wrong
not to tell you.
Thank you.
But listen,
don't tell your sister.
It would just upset her.
No, this is ridiculous!
We have to start
talking about stuff,
and not just baseball.
Indians won today
on a walk-off double.
Against the Red Sox?
That's a big win.
No, no, no!
We're not gonna
blow past this.
I mean, I don't even
know you people.
I don't even know
how you met.
I never told you
how I met your mother?
No.
Oh, great story.
At a bar.
That's it?
That's what passes
for communication
in our family?
Man, when I have kids,
and I tell them how
I met their mother,
I'm gonna tell
them everything,
the whole damn story.
I think it was
an Irish bar.
I just... I don't...
I don't understand.
You seemed so happy.
When I was growing up,
you seemed so...
What happened?
We just realized
we're very different people.
Your father's kind of
a head-in-the-clouds
romantic,
and I'm much more
down-to-earth.
So? Robin and I
are like that.
That doesn't mean anything.
I wanted kids,
and your mother... also
wanted kids.
Robin and I have
different views on families.
We're not about to
break up because of it.
On some level,
I always knew.
I didn't even want
to go out with him
in the beginning,
but he spent
months badgering me,
until I finally gave in.
Well, when you don't
connect on that many
fundamental levels,
it's only a matter of time
before you realize
you're not meant
to be together.
But we love Robin!
MR.
Absolutely.
Meeting you was
the highlight of my trip.
Well, second highlight.
We'll see you inside.
Sorry.
Wow.
I know.
They love me!
We are definitely going to try
and communicate more.
From now on,
full disclosure.
Good. Good, I think it'll be
really good for the family.
By the way,
how's Grandma?
She hasn't returned
my last couple of calls.
I'm gonna get some juice.
No.
You missed a great game
last night. Real squeaker.