Your uncle Barney
was always a bit of an enigma.
In all the years
we lived in New York,
none of us had ever set
foot in his apartment.
Until one day, one of us did.
It's a pretty good story.
And believe it or not,
alcohol did not play a role.
It all started
two weeks earlier
at Lily's housewarming.
Hey.
Hey, welcome to my new home.
Oh, wow, Lily, this is...
Oh, this is all of it.
Yeah, I know it's small,
but it's got character.
Thank you.
And I am learning Lithuanian
from my neighbors.
They're great.
They're always out there
in the hall, you know,
cooking and gambling
and giving
each other haircuts.
It's nice.
Hey, is that a toilet
in your kitchen?
Or a stove in your bathroom?
Oh, that's not
just a stove.
That's a stovinkerator,
a combination of a stove,
oven, sink and refrigerator.
Stovinkerator.
Isn't that futuristic?
God, I hope not.
Hey, cool Murphy bed.
Yeah, it's kind of a mess.
I didn't make my bed
this morning, so...
You know what?
I bet sleeping at this angle
is good for you.
For some reason.
Cool. I got it.
That was "something something,
"I am going to
something you like
a something donkey."
Other cultures.
Hey, let's break out
the fruit basket.
Hey, who ate all the...
Okay, we have to get Lily out
of that apartment.
Her roommate is a raccoon.
I'd offer her my place,
but I've got dogs
and she's allergic.
Dogs? I live
with her ex-boyfriend.
I think she's a little
more allergic to that.
What about your place, Barney?
I know it's
shrouded in mystery,
but it's gotta have a couch.
The Fortress of Barnitude?
No way.
Come on. She's desperate.
Normally a prerequisite
for the women I bring home,
but pass.
One of you guys
is very, very lucky
because I have a... boom!
An extra ticket to
the Alanis Morissette concert.
Who's in?
Absolutely not.
No.
Damn! I got these tickets,
like, months ago
for me and Lily
and now I can't find
anyone to go with me.
This is what I miss
about being in a couple.
I always had someone
to go to concerts with,
or farmer's market,
or brunch.
God, I miss brunch.
Well, I guess you could...
Well, you could try
going to brunch alone.
Oh, you don't think
I've tried?
Table for one.
One couple?
No, just me.
Really?
For brunch?
You're right.
Who am I kidding?
The Popover Pantry.
That place is great.
Can we go get brunch tomorrow?
Of course, sweetie.
Can I go with you guys?
Really? For brunch?
God, I hate being single!
Okay, I'll take the over
on the Pittsburgh game.
Oh, and P to the S,
I never got my payout from
Seattle from two weeks ago.
Yeah. Don't make me call
the gaming commission on you.
I'm sure they'd be
very interested to know
what's going on over there.
All right? All right?
Okay, I love you, too, Mom.
Take care.
Hello, Lily.
You've somehow managed
to circumvent my security.
How did you do it?
Ted gave me your spare key.
Spare key. Brilliant.
Look, I'm sorry,
but you know
I'd only come here
if I had no other choice.
But earlier today,
I was getting ready
to go to sleep and...
That's terrible.
Well, see you.
Well, can I stay here maybe?
Oh, I'd let you,
but I don't have any room.
What? You live
in a two-bedroom apartment.
You have one room
just for your suits.
Hey, I'm at a point in my life
where my suits are my family.
Look around you, Lily.
You are in the heart
of bachelor country,
and as a woman, you are
an illegal immigrant here.
Now, you can try
to apply for a sex visa,
but that only lasts 12 hours.
Fourteen if you qualify
for multiple entry.
Ew...
is something some lame,
judgmental chick would say,
but I say give me
multiple high fives.
Wow, you really
are desperate.
I really am.
Okay, you can stay here
for two days.
But I only have one rule.
You can't change anything.
Why would I change anything?
This place is...
Perfect.
Except for the fact
that you don't have a TV.
See that wall?
300-inch flat-screen.
They only sell them in Japan,
but I know a guy.
Had to ship it over
in a tugboat like
freaking King Kong.
It hurts my eyes.
Yeah. That doesn't go away.
Hey.
Hey, where you been?
The Alanis Morissette
concert.
By yourself?
No, actually I went
with a friend
from law school.
Oh, really?
Who's this friend?
Brad.
Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks.
Totally.
I can't believe
I almost didn't come tonight.
Let me guess,
you bought the tickets
for you and Lily
right before she dumped you.
Yeah, how'd you know?
I just got dumped myself.
What, Kara broke up with you?
I'm sorry, man. That sucks.
Brad, do you like brunch?
You invited him to brunch?
Yeah, I invited him to brunch.
Why, is that weird?
Yes. That's why I was all,
"You invited him to brunch?"
Why can't two guys
who are friends go to brunch?
Because brunch is kind of...
Girly.
Girly?
Breakfast isn't girly,
lunch isn't girly.
What makes brunch girly?
I don't know.
There's nothing girly
about a horse,
nothing girly about a horn.
But put them together
and you get a unicorn.
I don't care
what either of you say,
I am going to
the Popover Pantry
with Brad.
We're here, we're hungry.
Get used to it, brunch.
Mmm.
Smells delicious.
Thank you.
There was no food
in the fridge,
so I picked...
What are you doing?
Lily, what was
the first rule again?
Don't change anything.
And what was the second rule?
There was no second rule.
Exactly!
There was only one rule,
and you broke it!
I bought groceries.
That counts
as changing something?
Lily, if I wanted
a fridge full of groceries, or
fresh coffee in the morning,
I'd be in a relationship.
But I don't want to be
in a relationship.
That's why I make it
crystal clear to every girl
that walks through that door
that this is not a place
to leave a toothbrush,
this is not a place
to leave a contact-lens case.
This is a place to leave.
Come on, I'll give you a tour.
No flash photography, please.
Bienvenido to the bedroom.
Dig this, king-sized bed,
full-sized blanket,
one pillow.
Everything about
this bed says,
"Our work here is done."
Next we say bienvenue
to the bathroom.
What, only one towel?
What, no hairdryer?
You know where
I keep that stuff?
Your place. Beat it.
And the coup de grace...
Yeah, that's right.
Patent pending.
And willkommen
to the hallway.
While guys like
Ted and Marshall
may hide their porn...
Marshall doesn't have porn.
That's sweet.
While guys like
Ted and Marshall
may hide their porn,
I had mine
professionally lit.
Girls see this,
they can't get out
of here fast enough.
And if that doesn't
drive them away,
there's always
your life-sized stormtrooper.
No, that's just awesome.
So, you see,
whenever a girl
wakes up here,
I never have to tell her
to go build her nest
somewhere else.
My apartment
does it for me.
God, I love brunch.
Oh, damn,
the zucchini bread
is "ridonculous."
This isn't weird, right?
I sort of thought it might be,
but it totally isn't.
And B-T-dub,
you totally did not
oversell the Eggs Benny.
Right? Right?
I mean, why can't two single
bros go out and rock brunch,
Sunday-morning-style?
Exactly. Thank you.
That's exactly
what I've been saying.
This must be destiny.
What are you talking about?
I have two tickets
for Mamma Mia Friday night.
You like Abba, right?
What am I saying?
Who doesn't?
Anyway, I was gonna take Kara,
but now it's all you and me.
We're gonna do Broadway,
bro style. What do you say?
Yeah!
Hey. Did the cold wake you?
No, I've just been
watching you sleep.
Oh, did you try
and take a shower?
I'm sorry, I only have
one clean towel.
I don't buy into the myth
that we need to shower
every day.
Okay.
I'd offer you some coffee,
but I don't have any,
so you're gonna have to...
I'm boycotting coffee.
You may as well
drink the tears of
a Colombian peasant farmer.
God, I love this place.
It's a good thing
I don't have a job
'cause I could stay here
all day.
I think I left something
on the bookshelf.
Whoops, oh, no. Oh, look.
Oh, I'm disgusting.
Wow, you're open about
your sexuality, and that's
one of the reasons I love you.
Did I just say that?
Oh, well,
cat's out of the bag.
I love you.
Whoa... Uh...
Okay, beep, beep.
Backing up...
Hi, Barney.
Oh, my God. Are you married?
Is this your wife?
What? No.
Yes!
Yes?
Yes.
You son of a bitch!
I can't believe
I let you enter
my sacred temple.
Come on, baby. Please, no.
Oh, you don't understand.
What have I done?
This is the worst.
How could you...
You're not going anywhere.
Wow, that was close.
That hippie chick
wouldn't leave.
She was ready to squat here.
Well, she'd have to with your
spring-loaded toilet seat,
wouldn't she?
She was freakishly immune
to everything in my apartment
except you.
You're better than porn.
Thank you.
How would you like
to extend your stay here?
All you'd have to do
is pretend to be my wife,
and scare off the occasional
one-night stand.
I know, I know.
You've got your ethics.
You've got your principles...
I'll do it.
Really?
Barney, you've clearly got
some serious mother issues
that have left you
the emotional equivalent
of a scavenging sewer rat.
But, in my other apartment,
I would be
living with an actual
scavenging sewer rat.
So you win.
I'll take it.
Mamma Mia?
Mamma Mia.
You know what?
It's supposed to be
a great musical, okay?
It won all sorts of Tonys
and stuff.
No, totally. It sounds like
a really, really fun,
exciting third date.
Third date.
You know what that means.
It is not a date, okay?
It's just two bros
taking in a Broadway show.
You bros going to
get dinner beforehand?
We might grab a steak, yeah.
Where at?
Cafe L'Amour.
Brad says the food
is really good there, okay?
Sounds like Brad's got
quite the night planned out.
You better bring your A-game.
That means no granny panties.
All right, you know what?
You two are just threatened
because I'm
a single guy moving in
on your couples' turf.
Well, guess what?
It's my territory now.
I'm peeing all over brunches,
fancy dinners and musicals.
That's right,
Brad and I are
taking back Broadway.
What are you going to wear?
I was thinking, like,
this collared shirt
and these...
Oh, you know what? Shut up.
Can you pass
the arts and leisure?
Can you pass
the arts and leisure?
I just did.
Honey, I'm...
Barney, what the hell
is going on here?
Lily, I can explain...
How could you?
In our own home?
You bastard!
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know he had...
Just get out.
This is what I get
after I worked as a stripper
for four years
to put you through
medical school?
I got breast implants
for you. I...
I was just about
to turn on the tears.
Brava. That was incredible.
And that slap was genius.
You did not hold back.
Yeah, that I just
always wanted to do.
Fair enough.
I have to say, it's kind of
nice having food around here
for a change.
You know...
Never mind.
What?
You're my wife.
You can tell me anything.
Well, if you really wanted
to sell this ruse,
we should try to make
this place a little more,
you know, homey.
Like a woman would
actually live here.
What did you have in mind?
brittle little bones
You're home.
I didn't think
we'd be seeing you
until tomorrow morning.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
It wasn't a date.
Okay, it was a date
and it got way weird.
You really don't
have to do that.
No, I insist.
You're my guest.
Thanks, Brad.
Bro, you got some chocolate
on your chin.
Still there.
I'll get that bad boy.
Wow!
Well, it could have
been worse. It could have
fallen in your lap.
It gets worse.
No, I can do it, Brad.
Okay, thank you.
So, anyway,
it's this Saturday.
Do you want to come?
You want me to go
to a wedding with you?
Okay, that's not too bad.
Two single guys on the prowl.
It'll be like
Wedding Crashers.
Just keep Brad
away from the bouquet.
It gets worse.
It gets better.
The foliage in Vermont
this time of year is "ridonc."
Vermont?
Yeah, the wedding's
at this awesome B and B.
Kara and I used to go there.
Anyway, there is
one room left,
and we got it.
Walt Whitman suite, bro.
You said no, right?
Of course.
I understand. It's cool.
It's the first time I was
gonna see my college friends
since Kara left me.
I just...
I just miss her so much.
I'll go to Vermont with you.
That's great!
You know,
they're registered
at Pottery Barn.
I figure we could go halfsies
on a gravy boat.
I'm sorry.
It's not funny anymore.
Damn you, brunch!
This guy's crazy, right?
Look, I don't think
he's crazy.
I just think he's suffering
from a severe case
of girlfriend withdrawal.
And unfortunately,
you're his nicotine patch.
And now you have to do what
every dysfunctional couple
has to do, break up.
You're right. You're right.
I promised Brad
I would go to
the wedding with him,
and then that is it.
Good man.
Oh, I think we made
the right decision
going for the custom-made
Italian sheets.
Hey, if my bed's
going suit up,
it's going to do it right.
Wanna give it a whirl?
All right, I'm gonna head out,
hit the bars.
What are you gonna do tonight?
Oh, I was just gonna
watch Letterman. But, God,
this bed is so comfy.
I wish you had a TV in here.
Okay, seriously,
what do you do for a living?
Please.
I thought you were going out.
After the monologue.
The next morning,
as the sun rose
over Manhattan,
your uncle Marshall
headed over
to Brad's apartment
to leave
for the wedding in Vermont.
But when he got there...
No.
No!
No.
Ted? Brad got me flowers.
Hold on.
Brad got him flowers.
I'm sorry.
It just got funny again.
Oh, hey...
No, Brad,
I don't want to hear it.
I do like you,
and Calla lilies are
my favorite flower.
I don't know
how you knew that.
I guess you just get me,
but this is not cool, man.
I can't believe
that you would...
Hey, sweetie.
Hey.
Oh!
Hey, Marshall.
Hi, Kara.
So, you guys are, like,
back together now?
Yeah. Happened last night.
I'm sorry, bro.
I should have called you.
Yeah, you should have.
Well, I didn't mean
to hurt...
Don't, Brad.
Just don't.
What's with him?
I don't know.
I think he's in love with me.
I can't believe we just...
You and I...
What have we done?
Nothing. Nothing happened.
We... We just went to sleep.
Just went to sleep?
I don't sleep in
the same bed as a woman
and not make a move.
How could... You.
You spooned me
against my will.
Hey, it takes two to cuddle.
We... We redecorated my place.
We stayed in on a Friday night
to watch Letterman,
and then slept together
and didn't have sex.
Oh, my God,
we're in a relationship.
That's what you think
a relationship is?
You were supposed
to be the vaccine,
but you gave me the disease.
You gotta go.
Barney.
I don't think
you're mad at me.
You're mad at yourself.
You let down your guard,
and let someone
into your life, and...
And that actually felt okay.
And that terrifies you.
Uh-huh. You gotta go.
Hey, you can't just
kick me out!
I put a lot of work
into this place,
and I've grown accustomed
to a certain standard
of living.
A certain standard of living?
You didn't pay a single...
And so
Mr. And Mrs. Stinson,
after two weeks of marriage,
decided to call it quits.
Fortunately, they reached
a settlement.
And that's the story
of how Aunt Lily
furnished her apartment.
Marshall ran into Brad again
sometime later.
Oh, my God, it's Brad.
Laugh like I said
something really funny.
That was great.
Right, right.
Hey, Marshall.
Oh, hey.
Hey, how's it going?
It's good.
Hey, I'm...
Yeah, I know who you are.
Well, I got to go.
I got this thing.
Yeah, me, too,
but more important.
So, I guess I'll
see you around.
Sure. Sure.
Even if you don't believe it,
tell me he looks fat.
Totally looks fat.