1
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Everyone has secrets.

2
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Some are nice.

3
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:06,071
You know how

4
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:06,071
to make crepes?

5
00:00:07,196 --> 00:00:08,528
That is so cool.

6
00:00:10,196 --> 00:00:12,361
Some aren't as nice.

7
00:00:12,361 --> 00:00:15,570
And then there was Derek,

8
00:00:12,361 --> 00:00:15,570
and counting you,

9
00:00:12,361 --> 00:00:15,570
that puts the total up to...

10
00:00:15,570 --> 00:00:17,071
Oh, I got your total.

11
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I've been counting along.

12
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And some are just weird.

13
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You're scared

14
00:00:23,444 --> 00:00:25,444
of the Seven Dwarfs?

15
00:00:25,444 --> 00:00:27,154
Just Doc. He's creepy.

16
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I mean, the guy went

17
00:00:27,154 --> 00:00:29,361
to medical school.

18
00:00:29,361 --> 00:00:31,904
What's he doing living

19
00:00:29,361 --> 00:00:31,904
with six coal miners?

20
00:00:31,904 --> 00:00:34,196
Oh, man! I'm so excited.

21
00:00:31,904 --> 00:00:34,196
I couldn't sleep last night.

22
00:00:34,196 --> 00:00:36,528
I bet you guys

23
00:00:34,196 --> 00:00:36,528
couldn't either.

24
00:00:34,196 --> 00:00:36,528
Why?

25
00:00:36,528 --> 00:00:39,987
Only the gala event

26
00:00:36,528 --> 00:00:39,987
for the grand opening of

27
00:00:36,528 --> 00:00:39,987
Sharper Image's 500th store.

28
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Didn't you get

29
00:00:39,987 --> 00:00:42,029
my e-mail?

30
00:00:42,029 --> 00:00:44,319
No, I blocked your address

31
00:00:42,029 --> 00:00:44,319
after the fourth time

32
00:00:42,029 --> 00:00:44,319
you sent me the video

33
00:00:44,319 --> 00:00:46,071
of the monkey

34
00:00:44,319 --> 00:00:46,071
sniffing his own butt.

35
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Come on! It's on me.

36
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I'm buying three of you

37
00:00:47,778 --> 00:00:49,611
foot massagers,

38
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and one of you

39
00:00:49,611 --> 00:00:50,695
a nose hair trimmer.

40
00:00:50,695 --> 00:00:52,820
You know who you are.

41
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:53,862
Come on, let's go.

42
00:00:53,862 --> 00:00:55,071
Okay, I'm in.

43
00:00:55,071 --> 00:00:56,238
To the Willowbrook Mall!

44
00:00:56,238 --> 00:00:57,444
To the Willowbrook Mall.

45
00:00:57,444 --> 00:01:00,278
Oh, it's at a mall?

46
00:00:57,444 --> 00:01:00,278
I'm not going.

47
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What? Why not?

48
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I just don't feel

49
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like going to a mall.

50
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We can split a Cinnabon.

51
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No, I'm really

52
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not going to go.

53
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Come on,

54
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it'll be fun.

55
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No, I don't go to malls!

56
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Sorry,

57
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I just don't like malls.

58
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Why not?

59
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I'd rather not say.

60
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Sharper Image.

61
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But that's where

62
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clothes live.

63
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Guys, guys, guys,

64
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Robin doesn't like malls.

65
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If she doesn't want

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to tell us why,

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she doesn't have to.

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I think we should all

69
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just respect her privacy.

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Thanks, Ted.

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So, what's the deal

72
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with you and malls?

73
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I thought you said that

74
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if I didn't want to talk

75
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about it,

76
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I didn't have to.

77
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Yeah, with those people.

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But I'm your boyfriend.

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Come on. What is it?

80
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Did you get

81
00:01:37,237 --> 00:01:39,071
arrested at a mall?

82
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No.

83
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Dumped at a mall?

84
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Ted.

85
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Found out you were

86
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Canadian at a mall?

87
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Let it go.

88
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Trapped under a fake

89
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boulder at a mall?

90
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Let it go.

91
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Mauled at the mall?

92
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Let it go!

93
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And who gets trapped under

94
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a fake boulder at the mall?

95
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Not me in Ohio

96
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when I was nine,

97
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that's for sure.

98
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I don't get it.

99
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Why won't Robin

100
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tell me why

101
00:02:19,071 --> 00:02:20,653
she hates malls?

102
00:02:20,653 --> 00:02:22,862
Ted, you should be happy

103
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Robin has a secret.

104
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The more you learn

105
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about a person,

106
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the better chance you have

107
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of hitting the fatal "Oh"

108
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:27,695
moment.

109
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The "Oh" moment?

110
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Yeah, that moment

111
00:02:29,611 --> 00:02:32,528
when you find out that one

112
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detail about a person

113
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that is going to be

114
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a deal breaker.

115
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It's a promise ring.

116
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I made a pact with God to stay

117
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a virgin till I'm married.

118
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Oh.

119
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I don't have

120
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an eating disorder.

121
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It's just when

122
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I put food in my mouth,

123
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I chew it and

124
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then I spit it out.

125
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Oh.

126
00:02:50,153 --> 00:02:51,278
I just turned 30.

127
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Oh.

128
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So trust me,

129
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you want to postpone

130
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knowing anything about each

131
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other for as long as possible.

132
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I disagree.

133
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If there is some potential

134
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"Oh" moment,

135
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I want to know about it

136
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right away.

137
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I mean,

138
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what's the alternative?

139
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I now pronounce

140
00:03:05,528 --> 00:03:08,195
you man and wife.

141
00:03:11,237 --> 00:03:12,737
I love you.

142
00:03:12,737 --> 00:03:14,278
I used to be a dude.

143
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Yeah, I agree with Ted.

144
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In a real relationship,

145
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you share everything.

146
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That's why Marshall

147
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and I don't keep any secrets.

148
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You are such a cutie-pie.

149
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Here's a quarter.

150
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Go play a song

151
00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:27,444
on the jukebox.

152
00:03:27,444 --> 00:03:30,237
No, it's true. They tell

153
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each other everything.

154
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I can think of tons

155
00:03:30,237 --> 00:03:32,778
of things there's no way

156
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Marshall's told you.

157
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Try me.

158
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Do you know about the time

159
00:03:35,528 --> 00:03:37,528
Marshall was in Trenton?

160
00:03:37,528 --> 00:03:39,111
Donkey ate his pants. Yeah.

161
00:03:39,111 --> 00:03:41,071
Bill's bachelor

162
00:03:39,111 --> 00:03:41,071
party in Memphis?

163
00:03:41,071 --> 00:03:43,778
Oh, when they had to pump

164
00:03:41,071 --> 00:03:43,778
out all the nickels from

165
00:03:41,071 --> 00:03:43,778
his stomach?

166
00:03:43,778 --> 00:03:45,987
Wow. Okay. Seattle.

167
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Trick question. Marshall's

168
00:03:45,987 --> 00:03:48,695
never been to the Pacific

169
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Northwest

170
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because he's afraid

171
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of Sasquatch.

172
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Damn, you're good.

173
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I'm not afraid

174
00:03:52,237 --> 00:03:53,904
of Sasquatch,

175
00:03:53,904 --> 00:03:56,570
I just think

176
00:03:53,904 --> 00:03:56,570
we should all be

177
00:03:53,904 --> 00:03:56,570
on alert.

178
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Trust me. Not only do they

179
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,278
tell each other everything,

180
00:03:59,278 --> 00:04:01,611
they want to

181
00:03:59,278 --> 00:04:01,611
know everything.

182
00:04:01,611 --> 00:04:03,528
So after the shower,

183
00:04:01,611 --> 00:04:03,528
I was brushing my teeth.

184
00:04:03,528 --> 00:04:05,862
And I was like, "Oh, man!

185
00:04:03,528 --> 00:04:05,862
I wanted to have some orange

186
00:04:03,528 --> 00:04:05,862
juice.

187
00:04:05,862 --> 00:04:07,611
"I should have

188
00:04:05,862 --> 00:04:07,611
done that first."

189
00:04:07,611 --> 00:04:09,195
But I already had

190
00:04:07,611 --> 00:04:09,195
the toothpaste on

191
00:04:07,611 --> 00:04:09,195
the toothbrush,

192
00:04:09,195 --> 00:04:11,278
so I just went ahead

193
00:04:09,195 --> 00:04:11,278
and brushed them anyway.

194
00:04:11,278 --> 00:04:13,111
What happened next?

195
00:04:15,528 --> 00:04:18,403
Yeah, meanwhile,

196
00:04:15,528 --> 00:04:18,403
Robin tells me nothing.

197
00:04:18,403 --> 00:04:20,695
Fine. Do you want to know

198
00:04:18,403 --> 00:04:20,695
what Robin's secret is?

199
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,070
You know?

200
00:04:22,070 --> 00:04:23,737
Of course I know.

201
00:04:23,737 --> 00:04:25,361
She couldn't look at us,

202
00:04:23,737 --> 00:04:25,361
her face got flushed.

203
00:04:25,361 --> 00:04:27,195
That's shame,

204
00:04:25,361 --> 00:04:27,195
my friend.

205
00:04:27,195 --> 00:04:30,111
Our friend Robin

206
00:04:27,195 --> 00:04:30,111
used to do porn...

207
00:04:30,111 --> 00:04:31,153
Wait for it...

208
00:04:32,153 --> 00:04:33,987
ography.

209
00:04:33,987 --> 00:04:36,611
Yeah, we didn't really

210
00:04:33,987 --> 00:04:36,611
need to wait for that.

211
00:04:36,611 --> 00:04:38,195
And it's ridiculous.

212
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,737
I don't know.

213
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,737
He could be right.

214
00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:42,528
She does have the fake

215
00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:42,528
orgasm noises down.

216
00:04:42,528 --> 00:04:43,570
Hey!

217
00:04:43,570 --> 00:04:45,237
What? The walls are thin.

218
00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:46,987
That's not what I'm

219
00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:46,987
"hey"-ing you about.

220
00:04:48,278 --> 00:04:49,820
You know what it might be?

221
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:51,862
This is going to sound

222
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:51,862
a little crazy,

223
00:04:51,862 --> 00:04:53,611
but what if Robin

224
00:04:51,862 --> 00:04:53,611
is married?

225
00:04:53,611 --> 00:04:56,486
Married? What does that

226
00:04:53,611 --> 00:04:56,486
have to do with the mall?

227
00:04:56,486 --> 00:04:58,695
Well, maybe she got

228
00:04:56,486 --> 00:04:58,695
married at the mall.

229
00:04:58,695 --> 00:05:01,570
Back home in Minnesota,

230
00:04:58,695 --> 00:05:01,570
a ton of people get married

231
00:04:58,695 --> 00:05:01,570
at the Mall of America.

232
00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:03,319
It's great.

233
00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:05,486
There's this gorgeous indoor

234
00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:05,486
golf course for pictures,

235
00:05:05,486 --> 00:05:07,820
numerous fine dining options,

236
00:05:05,486 --> 00:05:07,820
and talk about a reasonable...

237
00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:09,153
We are not getting

238
00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:09,153
married at the mall.

239
00:05:09,153 --> 00:05:11,028
Well, just meet

240
00:05:09,153 --> 00:05:11,028
with the guy.

241
00:05:11,028 --> 00:05:13,361
She's not married.

242
00:05:11,028 --> 00:05:13,361
Robin hates marriage.

243
00:05:13,361 --> 00:05:16,111
Because she already

244
00:05:13,361 --> 00:05:16,111
got married.

245
00:05:16,111 --> 00:05:17,862
At the mall.

246
00:05:17,862 --> 00:05:20,028
No, because before Robin

247
00:05:17,862 --> 00:05:20,028
moved to New York, she...

248
00:05:21,528 --> 00:05:23,444
What was she doing?

249
00:05:23,444 --> 00:05:25,153
Well, I don't know.

250
00:05:23,444 --> 00:05:25,153
Whenever I ask her

251
00:05:23,444 --> 00:05:25,153
about Canada,

252
00:05:25,153 --> 00:05:27,195
she kind of clams up.

253
00:05:27,195 --> 00:05:29,028
She's a pretty

254
00:05:27,195 --> 00:05:29,028
private person.

255
00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:31,904
Except when she's

256
00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:31,904
talking about...

257
00:05:31,904 --> 00:05:34,361
Oh, a friend of mine in Canada

258
00:05:31,904 --> 00:05:34,361
got married way too young

259
00:05:34,361 --> 00:05:37,195
and it really turned

260
00:05:34,361 --> 00:05:37,195
her off to marriage.

261
00:05:37,195 --> 00:05:38,444
What do you think

262
00:05:37,195 --> 00:05:38,444
of this wedding cake?

263
00:05:38,444 --> 00:05:40,945
Oh, I like it.

264
00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:43,486
Hey, you remember that friend

265
00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:43,486
of mine in Canada who got

266
00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:43,486
married way too young?

267
00:05:43,486 --> 00:05:46,195
Her wedding cake was

268
00:05:43,486 --> 00:05:46,195
a Mrs. Fields' giant cookie.

269
00:05:47,611 --> 00:05:49,070
No.

270
00:05:51,528 --> 00:05:54,195
My friend in Canada who

271
00:05:51,528 --> 00:05:54,195
got married way too young,

272
00:05:54,195 --> 00:05:56,444
they had to do

273
00:05:54,195 --> 00:05:56,444
their vows twice,

274
00:05:54,195 --> 00:05:56,444
once in French.

275
00:05:56,444 --> 00:05:57,904
They speak

276
00:05:56,444 --> 00:05:57,904
French there, too?

277
00:05:57,904 --> 00:05:59,653
God, that place is a mess.

278
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,862
So, you don't think there's

279
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:03,862
any friend from Canada?

280
00:06:03,862 --> 00:06:05,570
Oh, I'm sure there is.

281
00:06:05,570 --> 00:06:08,070
Just like I have a "friend"

282
00:06:05,570 --> 00:06:08,070
who wet his bed till he was

283
00:06:05,570 --> 00:06:08,070
ten.

284
00:06:08,070 --> 00:06:09,361
Use your brain, Ted.

285
00:06:12,778 --> 00:06:14,528
Guys, there's no way

286
00:06:12,778 --> 00:06:14,528
Robin is married.

287
00:06:14,528 --> 00:06:16,237
It's ludicrous

288
00:06:14,528 --> 00:06:16,237
to even suggest it.

289
00:06:16,237 --> 00:06:17,278
Thank you, Barney.

290
00:06:17,278 --> 00:06:18,528
'Cause it's porn.

291
00:06:18,528 --> 00:06:19,986
I need another beer.

292
00:06:20,904 --> 00:06:22,195
Robin was not in porn.

293
00:06:22,195 --> 00:06:23,444
I bet you anything

294
00:06:22,195 --> 00:06:23,444
that she's married.

295
00:06:23,444 --> 00:06:24,986
Twenty thousand

296
00:06:23,444 --> 00:06:24,986
says it's porn.

297
00:06:24,986 --> 00:06:26,319
I don't have $20,000.

298
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,486
Well, then what

299
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,486
do you have?

300
00:06:29,195 --> 00:06:30,528
Well...

301
00:06:29,195 --> 00:06:30,528
No.

302
00:06:31,944 --> 00:06:34,278
I've got it.

303
00:06:31,944 --> 00:06:34,278
The ultimate wager,

304
00:06:34,278 --> 00:06:35,820
slap bet.

305
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,862
Oh, slap bet.

306
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,862
We used to do those

307
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,862
when I was a kid.

308
00:06:37,862 --> 00:06:39,695
What the hell's

309
00:06:37,862 --> 00:06:39,695
a slap bet?

310
00:06:39,695 --> 00:06:41,195
Whoever's right gets to slap

311
00:06:39,695 --> 00:06:41,195
the other person in the face

312
00:06:41,195 --> 00:06:43,361
as hard as they possibly can,

313
00:06:41,195 --> 00:06:43,361
but no rings.

314
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,862
Are you really going to do

315
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,862
that? That's so immature.

316
00:06:45,862 --> 00:06:47,070
You can be Slap Bet

317
00:06:45,862 --> 00:06:47,070
Commissioner.

318
00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:49,319
Oh, I love it.

319
00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:49,319
What are my powers?

320
00:06:49,319 --> 00:06:52,319
If a problem arises

321
00:06:49,319 --> 00:06:52,319
and we need a ruling,

322
00:06:49,319 --> 00:06:52,319
that's your job.

323
00:06:52,319 --> 00:06:54,319
But you have

324
00:06:52,319 --> 00:06:54,319
to be unbiased

325
00:06:54,319 --> 00:06:57,778
and put the integrity

326
00:06:54,319 --> 00:06:57,778
of slap bet above all else.

327
00:06:57,778 --> 00:07:00,111
This is an honor you will

328
00:06:57,778 --> 00:07:00,111
take with you to your grave.

329
00:07:00,111 --> 00:07:02,111
On your tombstone,

330
00:07:00,111 --> 00:07:02,111
it will read,

331
00:07:02,111 --> 00:07:08,195
"Lily Aldrin, caring wife,

332
00:07:02,111 --> 00:07:08,195
loving friend, Slap Bet

333
00:07:02,111 --> 00:07:08,195
Commissioner."

334
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:11,361
And your tombstone will read,

335
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:11,361
"Got slapped by Marshall

336
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:11,361
so hard he died."

337
00:07:13,862 --> 00:07:17,570
Okay. What if I just ask

338
00:07:13,862 --> 00:07:17,570
Robin point-blank

339
00:07:13,862 --> 00:07:17,570
if she has a husband?

340
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,778
You said you would

341
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,778
respect her privacy,

342
00:07:19,778 --> 00:07:21,278
so maybe you should

343
00:07:19,778 --> 00:07:21,278
just drop it.

344
00:07:22,361 --> 00:07:23,444
Yeah, you're right.

345
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,278
Husband.

346
00:07:28,486 --> 00:07:30,111
There's no "P" in husband.

347
00:07:30,111 --> 00:07:32,570
Wow, you seem to know

348
00:07:30,111 --> 00:07:32,570
a lot about husbands.

349
00:07:33,653 --> 00:07:35,611
Fine. I'll take it back.

350
00:07:35,611 --> 00:07:37,486
Oh, hey, since

351
00:07:35,611 --> 00:07:37,486
you mentioned husbands,

352
00:07:37,486 --> 00:07:38,570
this is great,

353
00:07:37,486 --> 00:07:38,570
you're going to love this.

354
00:07:38,570 --> 00:07:40,695
Marshall, you know Marshall,

355
00:07:40,695 --> 00:07:43,361
he thinks that the reason

356
00:07:40,695 --> 00:07:43,361
you didn't want to go

357
00:07:40,695 --> 00:07:43,361
to the mall the other day

358
00:07:43,361 --> 00:07:46,611
is because you got married

359
00:07:43,361 --> 00:07:46,611
at a mall and have a husband

360
00:07:43,361 --> 00:07:46,611
in Canada.

361
00:07:48,570 --> 00:07:50,570
I told him he's crazy

362
00:07:48,570 --> 00:07:50,570
because he's crazy, right?

363
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,237
I mean,

364
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,237
how crazy is that?

365
00:07:53,695 --> 00:07:55,486
Are you asking me

366
00:07:53,695 --> 00:07:55,486
if I'm married?

367
00:07:55,486 --> 00:07:56,653
Well, you can ask me.

368
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:59,111
Nope, I'm not married.

369
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:59,111
Your turn.

370
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:01,153
What happened to respecting

371
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:01,153
my privacy?

372
00:08:01,153 --> 00:08:03,903
Look, just say,

373
00:08:01,153 --> 00:08:03,903
"No, I'm not married."

374
00:08:03,903 --> 00:08:05,153
Ted, I don't understand

375
00:08:03,903 --> 00:08:05,153
why you can't...

376
00:08:05,153 --> 00:08:08,195
Just say,

377
00:08:05,153 --> 00:08:08,195
"No, I'm not married."

378
00:08:08,195 --> 00:08:09,486
I can't.

379
00:08:10,444 --> 00:08:11,486
Marshall's right.

380
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,986
I was young

381
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,986
and I got married.

382
00:08:16,986 --> 00:08:19,153
It was a mistake

383
00:08:16,986 --> 00:08:19,153
and he moved away,

384
00:08:16,986 --> 00:08:19,153
but, yeah.

385
00:08:20,070 --> 00:08:21,153
I'm married.

386
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,861
Oh.

387
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,028
You have a husband?

388
00:08:35,028 --> 00:08:36,903
I was young and stupid

389
00:08:36,903 --> 00:08:39,237
and we got married

390
00:08:36,903 --> 00:08:39,237
at a mall

391
00:08:39,237 --> 00:08:41,070
and we broke up

392
00:08:39,237 --> 00:08:41,070
at a mall and I...

393
00:08:41,070 --> 00:08:43,361
I haven't been

394
00:08:41,070 --> 00:08:43,361
to a mall since.

395
00:08:43,361 --> 00:08:45,237
Why didn't you

396
00:08:43,361 --> 00:08:45,237
get divorced?

397
00:08:45,237 --> 00:08:48,944
He moved to Hong Kong for work

398
00:08:45,237 --> 00:08:48,944
and I was like, "Good enough."

399
00:08:48,944 --> 00:08:51,111
Good enough?

400
00:08:48,944 --> 00:08:51,111
That's not good enough.

401
00:08:51,111 --> 00:08:53,819
You order pancakes,

402
00:08:51,111 --> 00:08:53,819
you get waffles,

403
00:08:51,111 --> 00:08:53,819
that's good enough.

404
00:08:53,819 --> 00:08:56,319
Look, I haven't

405
00:08:53,819 --> 00:08:56,319
seen him in years.

406
00:08:57,777 --> 00:08:59,486
It's just a part of my life

407
00:08:57,777 --> 00:08:59,486
I want to forget.

408
00:09:00,819 --> 00:09:02,611
Just please don't

409
00:09:00,819 --> 00:09:02,611
tell anyone about this.

410
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:05,570
Okay.

411
00:09:09,278 --> 00:09:11,737
Dude, your hand

412
00:09:09,278 --> 00:09:11,737
is monstrous.

413
00:09:11,737 --> 00:09:13,486
Yeah, well, what'd you expect?

414
00:09:11,737 --> 00:09:13,486
You've seen my penis.

415
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:18,695
I can't believe you

416
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:18,695
told us Robin's secret.

417
00:09:18,695 --> 00:09:21,153
What? How could I keep

418
00:09:18,695 --> 00:09:21,153
something like that

419
00:09:18,695 --> 00:09:21,153
to myself?

420
00:09:21,153 --> 00:09:22,486
And you begged me

421
00:09:21,153 --> 00:09:22,486
to tell you.

422
00:09:22,486 --> 00:09:24,737
No, I didn't.

423
00:09:24,737 --> 00:09:27,195
Please tell us.

424
00:09:24,737 --> 00:09:27,195
Just tell us.

425
00:09:24,737 --> 00:09:27,195
I'm begging you.

426
00:09:27,195 --> 00:09:28,986
Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.

427
00:09:27,195 --> 00:09:28,986
Please, please, please...

428
00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:30,861
Fine. Robin's married.

429
00:09:33,819 --> 00:09:35,903
Yeah, well, you still

430
00:09:33,819 --> 00:09:35,903
shouldn't have told us.

431
00:09:35,903 --> 00:09:37,861
I mean, what kind

432
00:09:35,903 --> 00:09:37,861
of boyfriend are you?

433
00:09:37,861 --> 00:09:39,861
See that's just it,

434
00:09:37,861 --> 00:09:39,861
I'm not the boyfriend.

435
00:09:39,861 --> 00:09:42,486
I'm the mistress.

436
00:09:39,861 --> 00:09:42,486
No, I'm not the mistress.

437
00:09:42,486 --> 00:09:44,403
The mastress.

438
00:09:42,486 --> 00:09:44,403
The master.

439
00:09:44,403 --> 00:09:45,986
What do you call it?

440
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,819
I'm pretty sure

441
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,819
we're going to

442
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,819
call it mistress.

443
00:09:48,819 --> 00:09:52,070
What am I going to do?

444
00:09:48,819 --> 00:09:52,070
My girlfriend's married.

445
00:09:52,070 --> 00:09:53,819
Do I ask her

446
00:09:52,070 --> 00:09:53,819
to get a divorce?

447
00:09:53,819 --> 00:09:56,403
Ted, even if she is married,

448
00:09:53,819 --> 00:09:56,403
it's a Canadian marriage.

449
00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:58,611
It's like their money

450
00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:58,611
or their army.

451
00:09:58,611 --> 00:10:00,486
Nobody takes it seriously.

452
00:10:00,486 --> 00:10:02,819
It's serious to me.

453
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,944
You know what,

454
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,944
in some countries,

455
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,944
if you've been separated

456
00:10:04,944 --> 00:10:06,777
for longer than five years,

457
00:10:04,944 --> 00:10:06,777
technically, you're no longer

458
00:10:04,944 --> 00:10:06,777
married.

459
00:10:06,777 --> 00:10:09,153
I can check it out at

460
00:10:06,777 --> 00:10:09,153
the law library at school.

461
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,319
I can see my handprint

462
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,319
on your face.

463
00:10:14,444 --> 00:10:16,986
Don't get too cocky, slappy.

464
00:10:16,986 --> 00:10:19,944
I just got a shipment

465
00:10:16,986 --> 00:10:19,944
of porn from Canada

466
00:10:16,986 --> 00:10:19,944
I have to go through.

467
00:10:19,944 --> 00:10:21,944
I won the bet,

468
00:10:19,944 --> 00:10:21,944
why are you still searching?

469
00:10:21,944 --> 00:10:23,944
Just because you were right

470
00:10:21,944 --> 00:10:23,944
doesn't mean I'm wrong.

471
00:10:23,944 --> 00:10:27,278
Oh, right, like you need

472
00:10:23,944 --> 00:10:27,278
an excuse to watch porn.

473
00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:29,278
Canadian porn.

474
00:10:29,278 --> 00:10:31,903
Trust me when I tell you their

475
00:10:29,278 --> 00:10:31,903
universal health care system

476
00:10:31,903 --> 00:10:34,403
doesn't cover

477
00:10:31,903 --> 00:10:34,403
breast implants.

478
00:10:34,403 --> 00:10:37,237
If I have to sit through

479
00:10:34,403 --> 00:10:37,237
one more flat-chested

480
00:10:34,403 --> 00:10:37,237
Nova Scotian

481
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,819
riding a Mountie on

482
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,819
the back of a Zamboni,

483
00:10:39,819 --> 00:10:41,570
I'll go out of my mind.

484
00:10:45,319 --> 00:10:47,153
Hey.

485
00:10:45,319 --> 00:10:47,153
Hey.

486
00:10:47,153 --> 00:10:49,195
Listen, dude,

487
00:10:47,153 --> 00:10:49,195
I got to talk to you,

488
00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:52,361
but you got to promise me

489
00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:52,361
that you won't tell Barney.

490
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:54,237
Fine, I won't tell Barney.

491
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:54,237
What is it?

492
00:10:56,237 --> 00:10:57,278
Robin's not married.

493
00:10:57,278 --> 00:10:58,570
What?

494
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,237
Why would she

495
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,237
tell me she was?

496
00:11:00,237 --> 00:11:02,111
I don't know,

497
00:11:00,237 --> 00:11:02,111
but I cross-checked

498
00:11:00,237 --> 00:11:02,111
every record in Canada.

499
00:11:02,111 --> 00:11:03,903
There's no record

500
00:11:02,111 --> 00:11:03,903
of her ever being married.

501
00:11:03,903 --> 00:11:05,153
There must be

502
00:11:03,903 --> 00:11:05,153
some mistake.

503
00:11:05,153 --> 00:11:07,111
I promise you.

504
00:11:05,153 --> 00:11:07,111
She's not married.

505
00:11:07,111 --> 00:11:08,736
She's not great

506
00:11:07,111 --> 00:11:08,736
at parking legally either.

507
00:11:09,986 --> 00:11:13,319
So she lied to me?

508
00:11:09,986 --> 00:11:13,319
What am I going to do?

509
00:11:13,319 --> 00:11:15,986
I can't confront her 'cause

510
00:11:13,319 --> 00:11:15,986
then she'll know I told you.

511
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:18,944
You got to lawyer her.

512
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,111
You got to ask her

513
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,111
a bunch of questions,

514
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,111
try to trip her up,

515
00:11:21,111 --> 00:11:22,736
maybe make her

516
00:11:21,111 --> 00:11:22,736
feel guilty,

517
00:11:22,736 --> 00:11:24,319
whatever it takes to get

518
00:11:22,736 --> 00:11:24,319
a confession out of her.

519
00:11:26,070 --> 00:11:28,153
Thanks for telling me

520
00:11:26,070 --> 00:11:28,153
your secret.

521
00:11:28,153 --> 00:11:30,403
It means so much to me

522
00:11:28,153 --> 00:11:30,403
that you can be so...

523
00:11:30,403 --> 00:11:32,111
God, what's the word

524
00:11:30,403 --> 00:11:32,111
I'm looking for?

525
00:11:32,111 --> 00:11:33,361
Honest.

526
00:11:33,361 --> 00:11:35,570
Thanks, Ted.

527
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,319
Yeah. You know what's

528
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,319
probably the best part

529
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,319
about your honesty?

530
00:11:37,319 --> 00:11:38,694
How truthful it is.

531
00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,070
I say we just move on.

532
00:11:42,486 --> 00:11:44,652
Well, for me to get total

533
00:11:42,486 --> 00:11:44,652
closure on this whole

534
00:11:44,652 --> 00:11:47,111
my-girlfriend-has-a-husband

535
00:11:44,652 --> 00:11:47,111
thing,

536
00:11:47,111 --> 00:11:48,570
I think I might need

537
00:11:47,111 --> 00:11:48,570
a little bit more information,

538
00:11:48,570 --> 00:11:50,570
like what month

539
00:11:48,570 --> 00:11:50,570
did you get married?

540
00:11:50,570 --> 00:11:51,944
June. We had

541
00:11:50,570 --> 00:11:51,944
a June wedding.

542
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:53,070
Ah.

543
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:55,486
Canada in June.

544
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:55,486
That's the dream.

545
00:11:55,486 --> 00:11:56,570
Mmm-hmm.

546
00:11:57,528 --> 00:11:59,153
Sit-down or buffet?

547
00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:00,528
Um...

548
00:12:00,528 --> 00:12:03,070
Well, it's weird that

549
00:12:00,528 --> 00:12:03,070
you don't remember.

550
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:05,278
No, I just didn't know

551
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:05,278
how to answer

552
00:12:05,278 --> 00:12:08,361
because we did butlered

553
00:12:05,278 --> 00:12:08,361
hors d'oeuvres in the atrium,

554
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:11,736
but the actual dinner was

555
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:11,736
a buffet in the food court

556
00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:15,070
featuring a filet mignon

557
00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:15,070
or a roasted potato-crusted

558
00:12:11,736 --> 00:12:15,070
salmon

559
00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:16,570
with a lobster scallion

560
00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:16,570
beurre blanc.

561
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,070
Hmm.

562
00:12:20,570 --> 00:12:22,070
Band or DJ?

563
00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:24,319
A string quartet

564
00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:24,319
played at the ceremony,

565
00:12:24,319 --> 00:12:27,070
but for the actual reception,

566
00:12:24,319 --> 00:12:27,070
we had a seven-piece band.

567
00:12:27,070 --> 00:12:29,070
We paid extra

568
00:12:27,070 --> 00:12:29,070
for the sax

569
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:32,319
'cause I just love

570
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:32,319
that smooth alto sound.

571
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,111
How many bridesmaids?

572
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,111
Seven.

573
00:12:34,111 --> 00:12:35,444
Flowers?

574
00:12:34,111 --> 00:12:35,444
Azaleas.

575
00:12:35,444 --> 00:12:37,903
Color scheme?

576
00:12:35,444 --> 00:12:37,903
Dusty rose and sienna.

577
00:12:37,903 --> 00:12:39,153
Husband's name?

578
00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,195
Um...

579
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:43,528
You were never married!

580
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:43,528
Yes, I was.

581
00:12:43,528 --> 00:12:44,903
No, you weren't.

582
00:12:44,903 --> 00:12:46,070
How do you know?

583
00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:47,111
I looked it up

584
00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:47,111
at the library.

585
00:12:47,111 --> 00:12:48,319
What library?

586
00:12:48,319 --> 00:12:50,361
The one on Fifth.

587
00:12:50,361 --> 00:12:52,237
When did you go?

588
00:12:52,237 --> 00:12:54,361
Today at lunch,

589
00:12:52,237 --> 00:12:54,361
and I had an apple brie

590
00:12:52,237 --> 00:12:54,361
panini with potato salad...

591
00:12:54,361 --> 00:12:56,986
I'm not questioning

592
00:12:54,361 --> 00:12:56,986
the lunch part, Ted.

593
00:12:56,986 --> 00:12:58,486
What database did you use?

594
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:02,569
I used the Canadian

595
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:02,569
Mall Marriage 6000.

596
00:13:04,361 --> 00:13:06,195
Fine, Marshall looked

597
00:13:04,361 --> 00:13:06,195
it up at school.

598
00:13:06,195 --> 00:13:08,319
You told Marshall?

599
00:13:06,195 --> 00:13:08,319
You lied to me!

600
00:13:08,319 --> 00:13:10,278
See, this is why

601
00:13:08,319 --> 00:13:10,278
I don't tell people secrets.

602
00:13:10,278 --> 00:13:12,903
You were supposed

603
00:13:10,278 --> 00:13:12,903
to be the one person

604
00:13:10,278 --> 00:13:12,903
I trusted the most

605
00:13:12,903 --> 00:13:14,486
and even you couldn't

606
00:13:12,903 --> 00:13:14,486
keep a secret.

607
00:13:14,486 --> 00:13:16,028
But it was a fake secret.

608
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:18,028
Yeah, I was testing you

609
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:18,028
and you failed.

610
00:13:18,028 --> 00:13:20,444
And now you're never

611
00:13:18,028 --> 00:13:20,444
gonna know why I don't

612
00:13:18,028 --> 00:13:20,444
go to the mall.

613
00:13:20,444 --> 00:13:22,361
And it's good, too.

614
00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:24,237
You were testing me?

615
00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:24,237
That's insane.

616
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:27,111
Oh, yeah? How long did it

617
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:27,111
take for you to tell Marshall

618
00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:29,819
my biggest secret

619
00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:29,819
in the world?

620
00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:29,819
Five minutes?

621
00:13:29,819 --> 00:13:31,319
That wasn't a real secret!

622
00:13:31,319 --> 00:13:32,861
Yeah, but it could have been.

623
00:13:32,861 --> 00:13:34,278
You are driving me crazy!

624
00:13:34,278 --> 00:13:36,070
No wonder your fake husband

625
00:13:34,278 --> 00:13:36,070
moved to Hong Kong.

626
00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:37,527
He moved there

627
00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:37,527
for business.

628
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:43,237
You. You got something

629
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:43,237
to say to me?

630
00:13:43,237 --> 00:13:44,694
What are you talking about?

631
00:13:44,694 --> 00:13:48,111
I know Robin was

632
00:13:44,694 --> 00:13:48,111
never really married.

633
00:13:48,111 --> 00:13:49,903
How could you

634
00:13:48,111 --> 00:13:49,903
possibly know that?

635
00:13:54,361 --> 00:13:57,153
And then I put on my pajamas

636
00:13:54,361 --> 00:13:57,153
and got into bed.

637
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,070
How about you?

638
00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:02,861
Oh, let's see, first I took

639
00:14:00,070 --> 00:14:02,861
the subway to school.

640
00:14:02,861 --> 00:14:04,944
Then I got a bagel.

641
00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:07,569
Then I went to the library

642
00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:07,569
and found out Robin was

643
00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:07,569
never married. Crazy.

644
00:14:07,569 --> 00:14:09,944
Then I was hungry again,

645
00:14:07,569 --> 00:14:09,944
so I went down to

646
00:14:07,569 --> 00:14:09,944
the vending machine,

647
00:14:09,944 --> 00:14:12,070
but by the time I got down

648
00:14:09,944 --> 00:14:12,070
there, I wasn't even hungry

649
00:14:09,944 --> 00:14:12,070
anymore.

650
00:14:14,319 --> 00:14:15,610
You told him?

651
00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:18,527
I had to. I'm Slap Bet

652
00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:18,527
Commissioner.

653
00:14:18,527 --> 00:14:21,319
Believe me,

654
00:14:18,527 --> 00:14:21,319
this hurts me more than

655
00:14:18,527 --> 00:14:21,319
it's gonna hurt you.

656
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:22,777
Don't count on it.

657
00:14:22,777 --> 00:14:25,237
I've been practicing

658
00:14:22,777 --> 00:14:25,237
on a tree trunk.

659
00:14:25,237 --> 00:14:28,070
Barney gets three slaps.

660
00:14:25,237 --> 00:14:28,070
Three?

661
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:29,736
One because you lied

662
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:32,195
and two for being

663
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:32,195
prematurely slapped.

664
00:14:32,195 --> 00:14:33,694
Three slaps.

665
00:14:32,195 --> 00:14:33,694
But...

666
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:40,111
Oh, my God.

667
00:14:40,111 --> 00:14:41,278
Are you gonna cry?

668
00:14:41,278 --> 00:14:43,195
No.

669
00:14:43,195 --> 00:14:44,443
You're gonna cry.

670
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:50,278
I just don't think

671
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:50,278
it's healthy to keep big

672
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:50,278
secrets in a relationship.

673
00:14:50,278 --> 00:14:51,903
My parents didn't really talk

674
00:14:50,278 --> 00:14:51,903
to each other for 30 years

675
00:14:51,903 --> 00:14:53,070
and now they're divorced.

676
00:14:53,070 --> 00:14:54,986
I have shared more

677
00:14:53,070 --> 00:14:54,986
of myself with you

678
00:14:54,986 --> 00:14:57,111
than I've ever shared

679
00:14:54,986 --> 00:14:57,111
with anyone.

680
00:14:57,111 --> 00:14:59,195
I'm asking for this one

681
00:14:57,111 --> 00:14:59,195
secret,

682
00:14:59,195 --> 00:15:02,694
which has nothing to do

683
00:14:59,195 --> 00:15:02,694
with us, to just be mine.

684
00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:07,777
So, I just got a very

685
00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:07,777
interesting phone call.

686
00:15:07,777 --> 00:15:09,527
What are you talking about?

687
00:15:09,527 --> 00:15:10,944
I know Robin's secret.

688
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,652
What?

689
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,652
That's right.

690
00:15:12,652 --> 00:15:14,527
I know your secret, Robin.

691
00:15:14,527 --> 00:15:17,610
Or should I say,

692
00:15:14,527 --> 00:15:17,610
Robin Sparkles?

693
00:15:18,694 --> 00:15:20,195
How do you know that name?

694
00:15:20,195 --> 00:15:21,861
Because I know the truth,

695
00:15:21,861 --> 00:15:24,610
and I am about to show

696
00:15:21,861 --> 00:15:24,610
it to you right now.

697
00:15:24,610 --> 00:15:26,278
Gather around, Ted,

698
00:15:24,610 --> 00:15:26,278
you're gonna want to see this.

699
00:15:26,278 --> 00:15:27,569
Yeah, no, I don't.

700
00:15:27,569 --> 00:15:28,986
What?

701
00:15:28,986 --> 00:15:31,070
Robin wants to keep

702
00:15:28,986 --> 00:15:31,070
this a secret,

703
00:15:31,070 --> 00:15:32,153
so it's gonna

704
00:15:31,070 --> 00:15:32,153
stay a secret.

705
00:15:33,610 --> 00:15:35,777
Yeah, it's not gonna

706
00:15:33,610 --> 00:15:35,777
stay a secret.

707
00:15:35,777 --> 00:15:39,610
You see, in my research,

708
00:15:35,777 --> 00:15:39,610
I came upon a certain

709
00:15:35,777 --> 00:15:39,610
gentleman in Malaysia,

710
00:15:39,610 --> 00:15:42,485
who is in possession

711
00:15:39,610 --> 00:15:42,485
of a certain videotape.

712
00:15:42,485 --> 00:15:45,569
He just emailed me that

713
00:15:42,485 --> 00:15:45,569
it will be up and running

714
00:15:42,485 --> 00:15:45,569
on MySpace

715
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:47,652
in about... Right now.

716
00:15:49,070 --> 00:15:52,777
Robin's world is about to be

717
00:15:49,070 --> 00:15:52,777
turned upside-down.

718
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,111
I mean, I'm guessing.

719
00:15:54,111 --> 00:15:55,278
Barney, don't, okay?

720
00:15:55,278 --> 00:15:57,443
Robin, please don't panic.

721
00:15:57,443 --> 00:15:59,610
I'm only gonna show enough

722
00:15:57,443 --> 00:15:59,610
to prove to Marshall I was

723
00:15:57,443 --> 00:15:59,610
right.

724
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,861
No, Barney, I said we're

725
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,861
not watching this.

726
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,652
No, it's time.

727
00:16:03,652 --> 00:16:05,736
Look, I appreciate

728
00:16:03,652 --> 00:16:05,736
what you're trying to do,

729
00:16:05,736 --> 00:16:08,527
but if it's out there,

730
00:16:05,736 --> 00:16:08,527
there's no point in

731
00:16:05,736 --> 00:16:08,527
trying to hide it anymore.

732
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,736
Let's just watch it

733
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,736
and be done with it.

734
00:16:11,736 --> 00:16:13,527
Are you as terrified

735
00:16:11,736 --> 00:16:13,527
as I am?

736
00:16:14,610 --> 00:16:16,610
I don't want to get

737
00:16:14,610 --> 00:16:16,610
slapped again.

738
00:16:19,402 --> 00:16:21,819
I want to stress

739
00:16:19,402 --> 00:16:21,819
that I was young.

740
00:16:21,819 --> 00:16:23,237
Yeah, you were.

741
00:16:23,237 --> 00:16:24,485
And I didn't

742
00:16:23,237 --> 00:16:24,485
know any better.

743
00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:26,195
They never do.

744
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,903
And it started out

745
00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:28,903
as an innocent modeling job.

746
00:16:28,903 --> 00:16:30,237
It always does.

747
00:16:31,819 --> 00:16:33,903
Please, Mr. Johnson.

748
00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:36,070
I'm sorry I was a bad girl.

749
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:39,777
Please don't

750
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:39,777
give me detention.

751
00:16:39,777 --> 00:16:42,903
Isn't there something I can

752
00:16:39,777 --> 00:16:42,903
do to make it up to you?

753
00:16:47,278 --> 00:16:49,028
Oh, my God.

754
00:16:49,028 --> 00:16:51,111
Well, obviously,

755
00:16:49,028 --> 00:16:51,111
I've been proven right.

756
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:54,569
So, in the interest

757
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:54,569
of Robin's dignity,

758
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:54,569
I won't show anymore.

759
00:16:54,569 --> 00:16:56,986
Plus, it's getting late.

760
00:16:54,569 --> 00:16:56,986
It's already slap o'clock.

761
00:16:58,819 --> 00:17:00,610
What the hell was that?

762
00:17:00,610 --> 00:17:03,028
I slap bet Marshall

763
00:17:00,610 --> 00:17:03,028
that you did porn,

764
00:17:00,610 --> 00:17:03,028
so I win.

765
00:17:03,028 --> 00:17:05,070
Porn? I wish it was porn.

766
00:17:05,070 --> 00:17:06,485
It would be

767
00:17:05,070 --> 00:17:06,485
less embarrassing.

768
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:09,736
I know.

769
00:17:09,736 --> 00:17:12,694
How about I sing you a song?

770
00:17:19,402 --> 00:17:22,694
the mall everybody

771
00:17:28,610 --> 00:17:30,903
I was a teenage

772
00:17:28,610 --> 00:17:30,903
pop star in Canada.

773
00:17:41,318 --> 00:17:44,070
This is the most amazing

774
00:17:41,318 --> 00:17:44,070
thing I've ever seen.

775
00:17:44,070 --> 00:17:46,195
That's you?

776
00:17:44,070 --> 00:17:46,195
Yes.

777
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,237
I had one minor hit.

778
00:17:48,237 --> 00:17:51,986
I had to go all over Canada

779
00:17:48,237 --> 00:17:51,986
and sing this song in malls.

780
00:17:51,986 --> 00:17:56,070
For a whole year,

781
00:17:51,986 --> 00:17:56,070
I lived off of Orange Juliuses

782
00:17:51,986 --> 00:17:56,070
and Wetzel's Pretzels.

783
00:18:10,153 --> 00:18:13,694
If this is the '90s,

784
00:18:10,153 --> 00:18:13,694
why does it look like 1986?

785
00:18:13,694 --> 00:18:16,277
The '80s didn't

786
00:18:13,694 --> 00:18:16,277
come to Canada

787
00:18:13,694 --> 00:18:16,277
till, like, '93.

788
00:18:18,236 --> 00:18:22,195
Taking a break from the first

789
00:18:18,236 --> 00:18:22,195
of many, many viewings,

790
00:18:22,195 --> 00:18:24,652
I can't help but notice

791
00:18:22,195 --> 00:18:24,652
that this isn't porn.

792
00:18:24,652 --> 00:18:27,527
And yet, a slap occurred

793
00:18:24,652 --> 00:18:27,527
without the permission

794
00:18:27,527 --> 00:18:29,569
of the Slap Bet

795
00:18:27,527 --> 00:18:29,569
Commissioner.

796
00:18:29,569 --> 00:18:33,236
Looks like somebody suffered

797
00:18:29,569 --> 00:18:33,236
from premature slapulation.

798
00:18:33,236 --> 00:18:36,028
Oh, my God, Robin's rapping.

799
00:18:33,236 --> 00:18:36,028
Guys, Robin's rapping.

800
00:18:36,028 --> 00:18:38,070
with a couple of friends

801
00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:40,194
allowance to spend

802
00:18:40,194 --> 00:18:42,569
Okay, I'm going

803
00:18:40,194 --> 00:18:42,569
to give you a choice.

804
00:18:42,569 --> 00:18:45,153
Either ten slaps

805
00:18:42,569 --> 00:18:45,153
right now in a row,

806
00:18:45,153 --> 00:18:49,903
or five slaps that can be

807
00:18:45,153 --> 00:18:49,903
doled out at any point from

808
00:18:45,153 --> 00:18:49,903
here to eternity.

809
00:18:50,903 --> 00:18:52,443
You go with the ten now.

810
00:18:52,443 --> 00:18:54,485
No way, why get ten

811
00:18:52,443 --> 00:18:54,485
when you can get five?

812
00:18:54,485 --> 00:18:56,569
Yeah, but the constant fear

813
00:18:54,485 --> 00:18:56,569
of knowing that at any moment

814
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,443
you could get

815
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,443
slapped in the face

816
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,443
would drive you crazy.

817
00:18:58,443 --> 00:18:59,694
I'm going to go

818
00:18:58,443 --> 00:18:59,694
with the five for eternity.

819
00:18:59,694 --> 00:19:01,111
Good call.

820
00:18:59,694 --> 00:19:01,111
Horrible call.

821
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:07,527
Relax, dude, I'm just going

822
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:07,527
for my soda, man. Take it

823
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:07,527
easy.

824
00:19:07,527 --> 00:19:08,777
This is going to be fun.

825
00:19:16,569 --> 00:19:18,986
So, just to be clear,

826
00:19:18,986 --> 00:19:22,111
you wanted everybody

827
00:19:18,986 --> 00:19:22,111
to go to the mall today?

828
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,944
Wow, we're going

829
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,944
to watch this a lot.

830
00:19:26,944 --> 00:19:29,610
I can't believe I ever wore

831
00:19:26,944 --> 00:19:29,610
a bedazzled jean jacket.

832
00:19:30,527 --> 00:19:31,861
Hey, just so you know,

833
00:19:31,861 --> 00:19:34,819
16-year-old me would

834
00:19:31,861 --> 00:19:34,819
have been all over you.

835
00:19:34,819 --> 00:19:38,318
You could have been

836
00:19:34,819 --> 00:19:38,318
the girlfriend in Canada

837
00:19:34,819 --> 00:19:38,318
I told everyone I had.

838
00:19:38,318 --> 00:19:40,736
Hey, I'm really sorry

839
00:19:38,318 --> 00:19:40,736
I pried this out of you.

840
00:19:40,736 --> 00:19:41,986
I should have left it alone.

841
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,861
You know what?

842
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,861
You know me better now.

843
00:19:47,527 --> 00:19:48,652
It feels kind of nice.

844
00:19:50,485 --> 00:19:51,652
Aw.

845
00:19:55,485 --> 00:19:56,610
That's one.

846
00:20:12,819 --> 00:20:13,944
Wow.

847
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:20,110
Did you have to laugh

848
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:20,110
like that every time?

849
00:20:20,110 --> 00:20:21,819
Yes.

850
00:20:27,194 --> 00:20:29,527
on his skateboard

851
00:20:38,236 --> 00:20:39,903
The robot. Hey!

852
00:20:42,028 --> 00:20:44,152
I don't want to wait

853
00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:46,861
No, she doesn't

854
00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:46,861
want to wait.

855
00:20:46,861 --> 00:20:49,402
your body anyway

856
00:20:49,402 --> 00:20:51,861
till Canada Day