Everyone has secrets.
Some are nice.
You know how
to make crepes?
That is so cool.
Some aren't as nice.
And then there was Derek,
and counting you,
that puts the total up to...
Oh, I got your total.
I've been counting along.
And some are just weird.
You're scared
of the Seven Dwarfs?
Just Doc. He's creepy.
I mean, the guy went
to medical school.
What's he doing living
with six coal miners?
Oh, man! I'm so excited.
I couldn't sleep last night.
I bet you guys
couldn't either.
Why?
Only the gala event
for the grand opening of
Sharper Image's 500th store.
Didn't you get
my e-mail?
No, I blocked your address
after the fourth time
you sent me the video
of the monkey
sniffing his own butt.
Come on! It's on me.
I'm buying three of you
foot massagers,
and one of you
a nose hair trimmer.
You know who you are.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, I'm in.
To the Willowbrook Mall!
To the Willowbrook Mall.
Oh, it's at a mall?
I'm not going.
What? Why not?
I just don't feel
like going to a mall.
We can split a Cinnabon.
No, I'm really
not going to go.
Come on,
it'll be fun.
No, I don't go to malls!
Sorry,
I just don't like malls.
Why not?
I'd rather not say.
Sharper Image.
But that's where
clothes live.
Guys, guys, guys,
Robin doesn't like malls.
If she doesn't want
to tell us why,
she doesn't have to.
I think we should all
just respect her privacy.
Thanks, Ted.
So, what's the deal
with you and malls?
I thought you said that
if I didn't want to talk
about it,
I didn't have to.
Yeah, with those people.
But I'm your boyfriend.
Come on. What is it?
Did you get
arrested at a mall?
No.
Dumped at a mall?
Ted.
Found out you were
Canadian at a mall?
Let it go.
Trapped under a fake
boulder at a mall?
Let it go.
Mauled at the mall?
Let it go!
And who gets trapped under
a fake boulder at the mall?
Not me in Ohio
when I was nine,
that's for sure.
I don't get it.
Why won't Robin
tell me why
she hates malls?
Ted, you should be happy
Robin has a secret.
The more you learn
about a person,
the better chance you have
of hitting the fatal "Oh"
moment.
The "Oh" moment?
Yeah, that moment
when you find out that one
detail about a person
that is going to be
a deal breaker.
It's a promise ring.
I made a pact with God to stay
a virgin till I'm married.
Oh.
I don't have
an eating disorder.
It's just when
I put food in my mouth,
I chew it and
then I spit it out.
Oh.
I just turned 30.
Oh.
So trust me,
you want to postpone
knowing anything about each
other for as long as possible.
I disagree.
If there is some potential
"Oh" moment,
I want to know about it
right away.
I mean,
what's the alternative?
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
I love you.
I used to be a dude.
Yeah, I agree with Ted.
In a real relationship,
you share everything.
That's why Marshall
and I don't keep any secrets.
You are such a cutie-pie.
Here's a quarter.
Go play a song
on the jukebox.
No, it's true. They tell
each other everything.
I can think of tons
of things there's no way
Marshall's told you.
Try me.
Do you know about the time
Marshall was in Trenton?
Donkey ate his pants. Yeah.
Bill's bachelor
party in Memphis?
Oh, when they had to pump
out all the nickels from
his stomach?
Wow. Okay. Seattle.
Trick question. Marshall's
never been to the Pacific
Northwest
because he's afraid
of Sasquatch.
Damn, you're good.
I'm not afraid
of Sasquatch,
I just think
we should all be
on alert.
Trust me. Not only do they
tell each other everything,
they want to
know everything.
So after the shower,
I was brushing my teeth.
And I was like, "Oh, man!
I wanted to have some orange
juice.
"I should have
done that first."
But I already had
the toothpaste on
the toothbrush,
so I just went ahead
and brushed them anyway.
What happened next?
Yeah, meanwhile,
Robin tells me nothing.
Fine. Do you want to know
what Robin's secret is?
You know?
Of course I know.
She couldn't look at us,
her face got flushed.
That's shame,
my friend.
Our friend Robin
used to do porn...
Wait for it...
ography.
Yeah, we didn't really
need to wait for that.
And it's ridiculous.
I don't know.
He could be right.
She does have the fake
orgasm noises down.
Hey!
What? The walls are thin.
That's not what I'm
"hey"-ing you about.
You know what it might be?
This is going to sound
a little crazy,
but what if Robin
is married?
Married? What does that
have to do with the mall?
Well, maybe she got
married at the mall.
Back home in Minnesota,
a ton of people get married
at the Mall of America.
It's great.
There's this gorgeous indoor
golf course for pictures,
numerous fine dining options,
and talk about a reasonable...
We are not getting
married at the mall.
Well, just meet
with the guy.
She's not married.
Robin hates marriage.
Because she already
got married.
At the mall.
No, because before Robin
moved to New York, she...
What was she doing?
Well, I don't know.
Whenever I ask her
about Canada,
she kind of clams up.
She's a pretty
private person.
Except when she's
talking about...
Oh, a friend of mine in Canada
got married way too young
and it really turned
her off to marriage.
What do you think
of this wedding cake?
Oh, I like it.
Hey, you remember that friend
of mine in Canada who got
married way too young?
Her wedding cake was
a Mrs. Fields' giant cookie.
No.
My friend in Canada who
got married way too young,
they had to do
their vows twice,
once in French.
They speak
French there, too?
God, that place is a mess.
So, you don't think there's
any friend from Canada?
Oh, I'm sure there is.
Just like I have a "friend"
who wet his bed till he was
ten.
Use your brain, Ted.
Guys, there's no way
Robin is married.
It's ludicrous
to even suggest it.
Thank you, Barney.
'Cause it's porn.
I need another beer.
Robin was not in porn.
I bet you anything
that she's married.
Twenty thousand
says it's porn.
I don't have $20,000.
Well, then what
do you have?
Well...
No.
I've got it.
The ultimate wager,
slap bet.
Oh, slap bet.
We used to do those
when I was a kid.
What the hell's
a slap bet?
Whoever's right gets to slap
the other person in the face
as hard as they possibly can,
but no rings.
Are you really going to do
that? That's so immature.
You can be Slap Bet
Commissioner.
Oh, I love it.
What are my powers?
If a problem arises
and we need a ruling,
that's your job.
But you have
to be unbiased
and put the integrity
of slap bet above all else.
This is an honor you will
take with you to your grave.
On your tombstone,
it will read,
"Lily Aldrin, caring wife,
loving friend, Slap Bet
Commissioner."
And your tombstone will read,
"Got slapped by Marshall
so hard he died."
Okay. What if I just ask
Robin point-blank
if she has a husband?
You said you would
respect her privacy,
so maybe you should
just drop it.
Yeah, you're right.
Husband.
There's no "P" in husband.
Wow, you seem to know
a lot about husbands.
Fine. I'll take it back.
Oh, hey, since
you mentioned husbands,
this is great,
you're going to love this.
Marshall, you know Marshall,
he thinks that the reason
you didn't want to go
to the mall the other day
is because you got married
at a mall and have a husband
in Canada.
I told him he's crazy
because he's crazy, right?
I mean,
how crazy is that?
Are you asking me
if I'm married?
Well, you can ask me.
Nope, I'm not married.
Your turn.
What happened to respecting
my privacy?
Look, just say,
"No, I'm not married."
Ted, I don't understand
why you can't...
Just say,
"No, I'm not married."
I can't.
Marshall's right.
I was young
and I got married.
It was a mistake
and he moved away,
but, yeah.
I'm married.
Oh.
You have a husband?
I was young and stupid
and we got married
at a mall
and we broke up
at a mall and I...
I haven't been
to a mall since.
Why didn't you
get divorced?
He moved to Hong Kong for work
and I was like, "Good enough."
Good enough?
That's not good enough.
You order pancakes,
you get waffles,
that's good enough.
Look, I haven't
seen him in years.
It's just a part of my life
I want to forget.
Just please don't
tell anyone about this.
Okay.
Dude, your hand
is monstrous.
Yeah, well, what'd you expect?
You've seen my penis.
I can't believe you
told us Robin's secret.
What? How could I keep
something like that
to myself?
And you begged me
to tell you.
No, I didn't.
Please tell us.
Just tell us.
I'm begging you.
Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.
Please, please, please...
Fine. Robin's married.
Yeah, well, you still
shouldn't have told us.
I mean, what kind
of boyfriend are you?
See that's just it,
I'm not the boyfriend.
I'm the mistress.
No, I'm not the mistress.
The mastress.
The master.
What do you call it?
I'm pretty sure
we're going to
call it mistress.
What am I going to do?
My girlfriend's married.
Do I ask her
to get a divorce?
Ted, even if she is married,
it's a Canadian marriage.
It's like their money
or their army.
Nobody takes it seriously.
It's serious to me.
You know what,
in some countries,
if you've been separated
for longer than five years,
technically, you're no longer
married.
I can check it out at
the law library at school.
I can see my handprint
on your face.
Don't get too cocky, slappy.
I just got a shipment
of porn from Canada
I have to go through.
I won the bet,
why are you still searching?
Just because you were right
doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Oh, right, like you need
an excuse to watch porn.
Canadian porn.
Trust me when I tell you their
universal health care system
doesn't cover
breast implants.
If I have to sit through
one more flat-chested
Nova Scotian
riding a Mountie on
the back of a Zamboni,
I'll go out of my mind.
Hey.
Listen, dude,
I got to talk to you,
but you got to promise me
that you won't tell Barney.
Fine, I won't tell Barney.
What is it?
Robin's not married.
What?
Why would she
tell me she was?
I don't know,
but I cross-checked
every record in Canada.
There's no record
of her ever being married.
There must be
some mistake.
I promise you.
She's not married.
She's not great
at parking legally either.
So she lied to me?
What am I going to do?
I can't confront her 'cause
then she'll know I told you.
You got to lawyer her.
You got to ask her
a bunch of questions,
try to trip her up,
maybe make her
feel guilty,
whatever it takes to get
a confession out of her.
Thanks for telling me
your secret.
It means so much to me
that you can be so...
God, what's the word
I'm looking for?
Honest.
Thanks, Ted.
Yeah. You know what's
probably the best part
about your honesty?
How truthful it is.
I say we just move on.
Well, for me to get total
closure on this whole
my-girlfriend-has-a-husband
thing,
I think I might need
a little bit more information,
like what month
did you get married?
June. We had
a June wedding.
Ah.
Canada in June.
That's the dream.
Mmm-hmm.
Sit-down or buffet?
Um...
Well, it's weird that
you don't remember.
No, I just didn't know
how to answer
because we did butlered
hors d'oeuvres in the atrium,
but the actual dinner was
a buffet in the food court
featuring a filet mignon
or a roasted potato-crusted
salmon
with a lobster scallion
beurre blanc.
Hmm.
Band or DJ?
A string quartet
played at the ceremony,
but for the actual reception,
we had a seven-piece band.
We paid extra
for the sax
'cause I just love
that smooth alto sound.
How many bridesmaids?
Seven.
Flowers?
Azaleas.
Color scheme?
Dusty rose and sienna.
Husband's name?
Um...
You were never married!
Yes, I was.
No, you weren't.
How do you know?
I looked it up
at the library.
What library?
The one on Fifth.
When did you go?
Today at lunch,
and I had an apple brie
panini with potato salad...
I'm not questioning
the lunch part, Ted.
What database did you use?
I used the Canadian
Mall Marriage 6000.
Fine, Marshall looked
it up at school.
You told Marshall?
You lied to me!
See, this is why
I don't tell people secrets.
You were supposed
to be the one person
I trusted the most
and even you couldn't
keep a secret.
But it was a fake secret.
Yeah, I was testing you
and you failed.
And now you're never
gonna know why I don't
go to the mall.
And it's good, too.
You were testing me?
That's insane.
Oh, yeah? How long did it
take for you to tell Marshall
my biggest secret
in the world?
Five minutes?
That wasn't a real secret!
Yeah, but it could have been.
You are driving me crazy!
No wonder your fake husband
moved to Hong Kong.
He moved there
for business.
You. You got something
to say to me?
What are you talking about?
I know Robin was
never really married.
How could you
possibly know that?
And then I put on my pajamas
and got into bed.
How about you?
Oh, let's see, first I took
the subway to school.
Then I got a bagel.
Then I went to the library
and found out Robin was
never married. Crazy.
Then I was hungry again,
so I went down to
the vending machine,
but by the time I got down
there, I wasn't even hungry
anymore.
You told him?
I had to. I'm Slap Bet
Commissioner.
Believe me,
this hurts me more than
it's gonna hurt you.
Don't count on it.
I've been practicing
on a tree trunk.
Barney gets three slaps.
Three?
One because you lied
and two for being
prematurely slapped.
Three slaps.
But...
Oh, my God.
Are you gonna cry?
No.
You're gonna cry.
I just don't think
it's healthy to keep big
secrets in a relationship.
My parents didn't really talk
to each other for 30 years
and now they're divorced.
I have shared more
of myself with you
than I've ever shared
with anyone.
I'm asking for this one
secret,
which has nothing to do
with us, to just be mine.
So, I just got a very
interesting phone call.
What are you talking about?
I know Robin's secret.
What?
That's right.
I know your secret, Robin.
Or should I say,
Robin Sparkles?
How do you know that name?
Because I know the truth,
and I am about to show
it to you right now.
Gather around, Ted,
you're gonna want to see this.
Yeah, no, I don't.
What?
Robin wants to keep
this a secret,
so it's gonna
stay a secret.
Yeah, it's not gonna
stay a secret.
You see, in my research,
I came upon a certain
gentleman in Malaysia,
who is in possession
of a certain videotape.
He just emailed me that
it will be up and running
on MySpace
in about... Right now.
Robin's world is about to be
turned upside-down.
I mean, I'm guessing.
Barney, don't, okay?
Robin, please don't panic.
I'm only gonna show enough
to prove to Marshall I was
right.
No, Barney, I said we're
not watching this.
No, it's time.
Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
but if it's out there,
there's no point in
trying to hide it anymore.
Let's just watch it
and be done with it.
Are you as terrified
as I am?
I don't want to get
slapped again.
I want to stress
that I was young.
Yeah, you were.
And I didn't
know any better.
They never do.
And it started out
as an innocent modeling job.
It always does.
Please, Mr. Johnson.
I'm sorry I was a bad girl.
Please don't
give me detention.
Isn't there something I can
do to make it up to you?
Oh, my God.
Well, obviously,
I've been proven right.
So, in the interest
of Robin's dignity,
I won't show anymore.
Plus, it's getting late.
It's already slap o'clock.
What the hell was that?
I slap bet Marshall
that you did porn,
so I win.
Porn? I wish it was porn.
It would be
less embarrassing.
I know.
How about I sing you a song?
the mall everybody
I was a teenage
pop star in Canada.
This is the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.
That's you?
Yes.
I had one minor hit.
I had to go all over Canada
and sing this song in malls.
For a whole year,
I lived off of Orange Juliuses
and Wetzel's Pretzels.
If this is the '90s,
why does it look like 1986?
The '80s didn't
come to Canada
till, like, '93.
Taking a break from the first
of many, many viewings,
I can't help but notice
that this isn't porn.
And yet, a slap occurred
without the permission
of the Slap Bet
Commissioner.
Looks like somebody suffered
from premature slapulation.
Oh, my God, Robin's rapping.
Guys, Robin's rapping.
with a couple of friends
allowance to spend
Okay, I'm going
to give you a choice.
Either ten slaps
right now in a row,
or five slaps that can be
doled out at any point from
here to eternity.
You go with the ten now.
No way, why get ten
when you can get five?
Yeah, but the constant fear
of knowing that at any moment
you could get
slapped in the face
would drive you crazy.
I'm going to go
with the five for eternity.
Good call.
Horrible call.
Relax, dude, I'm just going
for my soda, man. Take it
easy.
This is going to be fun.
So, just to be clear,
you wanted everybody
to go to the mall today?
Wow, we're going
to watch this a lot.
I can't believe I ever wore
a bedazzled jean jacket.
Hey, just so you know,
16-year-old me would
have been all over you.
You could have been
the girlfriend in Canada
I told everyone I had.
Hey, I'm really sorry
I pried this out of you.
I should have left it alone.
You know what?
You know me better now.
It feels kind of nice.
Aw.
That's one.
Wow.
Did you have to laugh
like that every time?
Yes.
on his skateboard
The robot. Hey!
I don't want to wait
No, she doesn't
want to wait.
your body anyway
till Canada Day