No, I don't really
feel like Mimi's.
Well, I'm hungry.
Let's just pick
a place and go.
Oh, you know where
we should go?
Cynthia's.
You love that place.
Remember what
a great time we had
the last time we were there?
We did?
Yeah, yeah.
We had that crazy
waiter who kept going,
"You two should get married!
You two should get married!"
It's also important to know
when to stop talking.
Come on.
Then we stepped outside.
It was raining.
It was so romantic.
How can you not
remember this?
Because it wasn't me.
Oh, right.
It was... my sister.
You see, by the time
you've hit your late 20s,
you've dated a few people,
but when you're
in a relationship
it's common courtesy
to pretend that you haven't.
Oh, my God,
Van Helsing is on.
Remember when we
went to see it?
We sat in the back row.
I've never seen
Van Helsing.
That's right.
I saw it with my sister.
My boss just got back
from Maui. He said it was
really romantic.
Oh, it's so romantic.
When were you in Maui?
I went with my sister.
With my sister.
Why do you always say that?
Look, we're not 16.
We've both
dated other people.
It's silly to try
to act like we didn't.
You're right.
We should just be honest.
Totally.
See that girl
over there?
Three years ago,
I totally made out with her.
I don't want to hear that.
What? You said...
God, that is so insensitive.
Remember honesty?
You're a jerk!
Well, you're confusing.
Okay, so you'd have
to have sex with one.
Either classic mermaid,
bottom half fish,
top half human,
or inverted mermaid,
top half fish,
bottom half human. Go!
I don't know. Is she fat?
Yeah, but it's a fish,
so it's the good kind of fat.
Hot off the presses!
I don't take flyers.
You took one
two seconds before
you walked in here.
That's different.
It was for a strip club.
Two bucks off wings.
How much is
your flyer going to
save me on wings?
Fine. It's a flyer
for my play.
Oh, Lily, I'd love to,
but we're not in college,
and I'm not trying
to sleep with you.
So anyway, this mermaid...
Hey, Lily's friend asked her
to be in this play, and it's
gonna be really good.
Lily, I love you,
but we're too old for this.
Asking someone to
come see your play
is like asking
someone for a ride
to the airport
or to crash on your couch
or to help you move.
Call a cab, book a room,
hire some movers
and repeat after me,
"Friends don't
let friends come see
their crappy play."
Okay, first of all,
I've thought about it
and top half fish.
Second of all,
we need you guys
to decide something for us.
Yes, you should break up.
So, earlier tonight...
We should get
down to the bar.
I know we should,
but you just look
so sexy in my red sweatshirt.
Oh, God, why is
this part of the story?
We're getting to it.
Damn, my face is so dry.
Is there any
moisturizer around here?
Yeah, there's some
in the bathroom.
Got to moisturize!
Got to keep that
pretty face moist.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
What's wrong with her?
She hates that word.
What word, "Moist"?
No! Seriously, stop!
So, anyway,
Ted goes into the bathroom
to get the moist...
Face lotion.
Wow, this is great stuff.
Now I know the secret
to your great complexion.
What are you talking about?
It's yours.
No, it's not.
Oh, well,
then I guess it's Lily's.
No, it's not.
Whose moisturizer
is this, Ted?
My sister's.
So, in other words,
some girl you went out with.
I love you.
Disgusting. You let me put on
the same moisturizer
as one of your exes?
It was probably Carla's.
Her face was a train wreck.
I don't think
Ted was dating her
for her face.
Thank you, Marshall.
Thank you so much.
Why is that still
in your apartment?
I don't know.
I just never threw it out.
Well, why not?
Do you still have
feelings for this girl?
Yeah. I'm madly
in love with her,
and the only way I can deal
with it is by holding on
to a $3 tube of lotion.
$3! Try $14.
Why is this such a big deal?
Because I don't want to use
some whore's moisturizer!
Whoa, she wasn't a whore.
Well, she's leaving
expensive lotions
all over town.
It sounds like a whore to me.
What else do you have
from old girlfriends
just lying around?
Nothing. That's it.
Well, except for
the phone booth.
And the lamp
by the desk.
And the...
No.
No! No! Oh, Ted!
The age-old question,
after you break up
with someone, what do
you do with the stuff?
Question?
Ain't no question, girl.
Obviously,
he's got to get rid of it.
Which is obviously crazy,
and obviously,
I'm not gonna do it.
So we agreed
that we would let
you guys decide.
Yeah, like we did
with Marshall's pants.
The 2005 landmark case
of Lily v. The Joey
Buttafuoco Pants.
Huh? Huh?
Nice, right?
I'm gonna have to say no.
I don't want
some 16-year-old girl
falling in love with you
and then shooting
Lily in the face.
Yes!
I vote they can stay.
"Check out the jackass
in the parachute pants"
is a good icebreaker.
Ted. Ted? Ted?
Sorry, buddy,
it's no from me, too.
Oh, and by the way,
Bell Biv DeVoe called.
Even they don't
want those pants back.
They were
insanely comfortable.
They were like pajamas
you could wear outside.
Marshall, it's over.
We even gave you an appeal
and they didn't look any
better with combat boots.
All right, well,
let's hear the arguments.
Ted, you go first.
Okay. The fact that
I still have things from
ex-girlfriends is no big deal.
I mean,
when I see the phone
booth on the piano,
I don't think of
Jeannie Radford,
I think of
the good times I had
backpacking through Europe.
And when I see the lamp,
I don't think
of Alison Moses.
I remember when I was broke,
just out of college,
and I really needed a lamp.
And when I see
that throw pillow,
I don't think
of Lauren Stein.
I think of that
weird orange-brown stain
and how it got there.
Creamsicle and turkey gravy,
not at the same time.
Well, that's adorable,
but from now on,
when I walk
into the apartment,
here is what I will see.
I'm Ted's college girlfriend.
He made me 12 mix tapes.
How many has he made you?
He calls you sweetie pie?
He called me sweetie pie.
I'm stupid,
but my rack is
bigger than yours.
Really?
You can't look at
a pillow without seeing
my ex-girlfriend. A pillow!
Yes, Ted, the fact that you
still have that pillow
is creepy and gross.
You're creepy and gross.
Your mom's creepy and gross.
Order! Order!
Okay, I gotta side
with Robin.
She's your girlfriend,
and if the stuff upsets her,
you got to get rid of it.
I've got to side with Ted.
Just 'cause you
still have something
an ex-girlfriend gave you
doesn't mean you're
holding on to her.
All right, Barney.
It all comes down to you.
I side with Robin.
What?
Ted, your place
is too cluttered.
It's like you're
living in a Bennigan's.
Or a Danby's.
What, they don't
have Danby's in the US?
Really?
Well, then where do you get
Grizzly Paw ice cream
sandwiches?
Just stop, sweetie.
So I had no choice.
I packed up
everything I had gotten
from ex-girlfriends.
It was painful, but not
as painful as what I had
to endure later that night.
New York is famous
for its theater,
but there's many
different levels.
There's Broadway,
Off Broadway,
Off-Off-Broadway,
homeless people
screaming in the park,
and then below that,
the play Aunt Lily was in.
Eight flights of stairs.
Who puts a theater
up eight flights
of stairs?
What kind of
building is this?
Well, from the smell of it,
I'm guessing a urine factory.
Where do you guys
want to sit?
I know where I
don't want to sit.
Guys, four together!
I brought a bag
in case anyone
needs to puke.
Come on.
It's not gonna
be that bad.
No? Okay.
I am rage!
I am greed.
I am rage... Envy!
I am out of here.
No, you're not.
You have to stay.
This is the face
of consumerism!
Oh, my God.
Ted's part of the play.
Hello, greed, rage,
envy
and consumerism.
I am your father.
America!
Oh, baby,
that was wonderful!
Totally, I had no idea
greed was the killer.
And when it became
a play within a play,
I was, like,
"Now we are really cooking!"
Wow, Lily, that sucked!
Barney!
What? It was terrible.
I mean, come on.
You guys agree, right?
Hey, sorry,
I'm just being honest
'cause, you know,
we're friends.
No, friends make
each other feel good.
They build each other up
and support them.
That's what being
a good friend is about.
Yeah, if you're a Smurf.
You know, if you did a play,
I would sit through
the whole thing
and I would compliment you
on it afterwards.
Oh, really? You would?
Yes.
Bad move,
Aldrin, bad move.
We'll be starting our Q&A
with the director,
yours truly,
in five minutes right here.
Can you believe Barney
said that about Lily's play?
I know. He can be
really insensitive.
It was pretty bad, though.
Oh, my God, it was so bad.
Oh, my God,
you've been robbed!
Nope.
All that stuff was
from old girlfriends?
Don't you buy
anything for yourself?
What can I say?
Papa gets swag.
And that should've
been the end of it.
But the next day...
You know, at first I was
really bummed about getting
rid of all my stuff.
But seeing how
happy it makes you,
totally worth it.
That's kind of how I feel
when I begrudgingly
have sex with you
when I'm really tired.
Exactly. Sometimes you gotta
take one for the team.
Freckles! Freckles!
Freckles, sit. Sit, yeah.
So you never keep anything
your ex-boyfriends gave you?
Nope. Well,
except for my dogs.
So I had to get
rid of everything
from my past relationships
because you don't keep things
from your past
relationships except,
where are your
five dogs from?
Oh, that's right,
your past relationships.
What's your point, Ted?
Well, you know how you said
you come over to my apartment
and all you can see
are my ex-girlfriends?
What, so when you look
at my dogs,
all you see is
my ex-boyfriends?
Good boy.
I do now.
That's ridiculous.
I thought you said you got
rid of everything your
ex-boyfriends gave you.
Well, yeah, but not my dogs.
You said everything.
But not living things.
Well, tell that to the rare
Bolivian cactus I threw away.
Things with
a heartbeat can stay.
Enjoying this?
Pickles, go get your ball.
Go get your ball.
Just admit it.
It was a little hypocritical
of you to make me get
rid of all my stuff.
Well, what do you
want me to do, Ted?
Get rid of my dogs?
Guess what position
we did it in?
Yes. Yes, I want you
to get rid of your dogs.
Um, no.
Really?
Well, I say we
take it to the group,
but I don't
like your chances.
She's not getting
rid of the dogs.
What's the matter with you?
Even I wouldn't do that.
Yes!
You can ask somebody
to get rid of their iguana
after it poops in your hair,
but not their dog.
I miss Jebediah.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Flyers for my new play.
Very funny.
Oh, it's not a joke.
It's my one-man show
premiering tomorrow night.
And even though it's terrible
and excruciatingly long,
I expect you all to be there
since we're such good friends.
Oh, we'll be there.
Unless, of course,
you just want to admit
that you were wrong...
Never.
Good.
Okay, I gotta go rehearse.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Bring a poncho.
The first three rows get wet.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
where the dogs came from.
I'm sorry I asked
you to get rid of them.
That was ridiculous.
So we're okay?
Yeah, we're great.
And I thought we were,
but just as it did
in the seventh act
of Aunt Lily's play,
jealousy reared
its ugly head.
Oh, yeah, baby,
that's the spot.
Dude, I gotta pee.
Sorry. I gotta go.
Oh, he's really
having trouble dealing
with this, huh?
Yeah, he really is.
It's got me thinking,
maybe I should
get rid of my dogs.
Might be time to
send them to the farm.
You're gonna kill your dogs?
No!
No, no, no,
there really is a farm.
My aunt has a farm upstate.
Oh, thank God.
You know,
if I were five dogs,
I'd rather live on a farm
than in an apartment
in Brooklyn.
Yeah. I could
visit them on weekends.
My aunt is
awfully lonely up there.
It's just her and
her lover, Betty.
Oh, that's perfect.
They love dogs.
"They"? What do you
mean by "they"?
People upstate.
Oh, look, it's starting.
Are you sure
you're gonna be okay?
I mean, you know
that this is gonna be...
I know,
but I'm gonna sit
through the whole thing,
and I am gonna
say something nice
about it afterwards.
You know why?
Because that's
what friends do.
Moist.
That was the first
40 minutes of Barney's show.
Moist.
And then we endured
about 20 minutes of this.
I have to go refill.
I'll be back in a moment.
Play's not over.
I never get picked
for audience participation.
And then it just got weird.
Feelings.
Inside.
Oh, no!
And when that didn't work...
Okay! Stop!
You win. Fine.
Barney, I'm sorry
I made you come to my show.
Thank you, Lily.
Is there anything you'd
like to say about my show?
No.
No, I have nothing nice
to say about your show.
You were right, Barney.
Let's go to the bar.
Yes! I win!
I love winning! Oh, Lily.
Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily.
I was just getting
warmed up, man.
If you guys had any idea
what was coming
up in Act Two...
Well, I imagine
it was pretty awful,
so let's go.
Pretty awful? Pretty awful?
It was a masterpiece of awful.
It's genius how bad it is.
I kind of wish you
guys could see it.
Yeah, well, anyway.
I mean,
Act Two is where
I really hit my stride.
Spoiler alert,
the robot falls in love.
How about this, Barney?
How about we stay
and watch the rest
of your show?
It's your funeral.
Five, six, one, two.
So we stayed
and let Barney torture us
for another hour and a half,
'cause that's what
friends do, apparently.
Hey.
Hey. Where you been?
I called you earlier.
I gave my dogs
away to my aunt.
You what?
Yeah.
Just for a few months
as a test run, but...
I think it's for the best.
Wow.
Oh, man. Oh!
Can we go inside?
No. Let's go to the bar.
Why? What's going on inside?
The floors are gone.
What?
Yeah. I sent them out
to get fixed.
This is a terrible lie.
I'm just gonna bail.
I didn't know you were
getting rid of the dogs.
You said you threw
all that stuff away, Ted!
Kids,
this was the worst fight
Robin and I ever had.
It was one of those fights
that last for hours and you
start to get woozy
and lose track
of what you're
fighting about.
We fought for so long,
seasons changed
outside the window.
Pages of the calendar
blew off. It was crazy.
But, ultimately,
and I couldn't tell
you how for the life of me,
but somehow we got to here.
Are we really doing this?
Yeah.
We're moving in together!
Confusing my circuitry
Two, three, four.
That's two.