1
00:00:01,466 --> 00:00:03,099
It took me a while to figure out

2
00:00:03,107 --> 00:00:06,050
but the key to understanding
your Uncle Barney is this.

3
00:00:06,179 --> 00:00:09,473
When times are hard,
it's impossible to keep him around.

4
00:00:09,664 --> 00:00:12,041
Like when your aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall were broken up.

5
00:00:12,052 --> 00:00:14,055
Hey. What are you guys talking about?

6
00:00:14,476 --> 00:00:16,265
- Lily.
- I got to go.

7
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:21,334
But when times are good,
it's impossible to get rid of him.

8
00:00:21,337 --> 00:00:22,321
What are you guys doing?

9
00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:24,158
We just finished planning
Marshall's bachelor party.

10
00:00:24,161 --> 00:00:26,134
Good, you haven't started yet.
Let's talk logistics.

11
00:00:26,147 --> 00:00:28,738
Now, have you laid out
ground rules with Lily?

12
00:00:28,745 --> 00:00:31,295
Where you are or aren't allowed
to touch or be touched?

13
00:00:31,302 --> 00:00:32,411
Show me on Ted.

14
00:00:32,703 --> 00:00:35,526
Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking
of skipping the strippers.

15
00:00:35,822 --> 00:00:39,125
You... you want to have a party
without strippers.

16
00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:40,876
This was the worse thing
I could have said.

17
00:00:40,892 --> 00:00:43,604
You see, uncle Barney loved
cooking up bachelor parties.

18
00:00:43,621 --> 00:00:45,534
And it was always the same recipe.

19
00:00:45,952 --> 00:00:48,555
You start with a slightly
cramped hotel suite.

20
00:00:48,959 --> 00:00:50,957
Arrange the chairs in a circle...

21
00:00:51,411 --> 00:00:53,527
Fill them with your closest friends.

22
00:00:53,972 --> 00:00:55,784
Turn the heat up to about 90.

23
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:58,286
Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke.

24
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,287
And then, right in the middle
of the room, you throw in a girl.

25
00:01:02,469 --> 00:01:04,057
But not a beautiful girl—

26
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:07,066
no, if this girl was ever beautiful,
it was two kids,

27
00:01:07,081 --> 00:01:10,577
three tattoos and one pesky
substance abuse problem ago.

28
00:01:11,369 --> 00:01:13,394
Which one of you is Stuart?

29
00:01:13,419 --> 00:01:15,214
Please, I really don't want to do this.

30
00:01:15,232 --> 00:01:17,924
Shut up, put in your mouth guard.

31
00:01:22,361 --> 00:01:25,207
Then she proceeds to do things
that demean the groom,

32
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,994
herself and really,
the entire human race.

33
00:01:28,012 --> 00:01:29,285
Disgusting.

34
00:01:29,932 --> 00:01:31,254
Ah, horrifying.

35
00:01:31,761 --> 00:01:34,367
- Classic.
- Oh, please, please, no, no.

36
00:01:34,722 --> 00:01:36,907
I don't want anything like that
happening to me.

37
00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:38,725
Stuart's still trying
to forget that night.

38
00:01:38,742 --> 00:01:41,366
It's my bachelor party.
We're not having strippers.

39
00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:43,396
Oh, he thinks he has a sain it.

40
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,107
So, strippers it is!

41
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,796
Now, just, uh, tell me where we're going
to be and I'll make some calls.

42
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,546
I think I can get
the fourth one for free.

43
00:01:50,562 --> 00:01:52,977
Quick question.
Prosthetic arm. Deal breaker?

44
00:01:53,611 --> 00:01:56,925
- Barney, there is...
- Before you say no, it has attachments.

45
00:01:59,259 --> 00:02:01,337
Subtitles : Willow's Team

46
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,367
Transcript : Raceman

47
00:02:03,370 --> 00:02:05,365
www.forom.com

48
00:02:12,927 --> 00:02:16,001
Look, I know you have some stuff planned
for Marshall's bachelor party,

49
00:02:16,006 --> 00:02:18,440
- but he really doesn't want strippers.
- Yes, he does.

50
00:02:18,454 --> 00:02:21,780
- Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.
- Uh, well, he told me he does.

51
00:02:21,794 --> 00:02:23,590
- When?
- Every minute of every day

52
00:02:23,606 --> 00:02:27,802
as his inner animal thrashes against the
cage of his own puritanical upbringing.

53
00:02:27,904 --> 00:02:30,252
Or do you guys not like naked girls.

54
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:33,270
Um, we love naked girls.

55
00:02:33,284 --> 00:02:34,740
They're one of the best things
in the world.

56
00:02:34,757 --> 00:02:38,041
It goes... naked girls, democracy,

57
00:02:38,056 --> 00:02:41,091
the scene in Every Which Way But Loose
where the monkey gives a guy the finger.

58
00:02:41,535 --> 00:02:44,510
- We just don't like your naked girls.
- What, my girls aren't hot enough?

59
00:02:44,525 --> 00:02:48,930
I mean, all right, fine, the stripper at
Stuart's bachelor party was a 15.

60
00:02:48,945 --> 00:02:53,592
- She was 15?
- No, a 15. Like in blackjack.

61
00:02:53,984 --> 00:02:56,581
As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?

62
00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,651
- Exactly.
- Nice.

63
00:02:59,666 --> 00:03:04,012
This is important to Marshall.
So, promise me, no strippers.

64
00:03:04,587 --> 00:03:06,221
All right, I promise.

65
00:03:07,707 --> 00:03:11,431
- I'm serious.
- So am I. No strippers.

66
00:03:13,224 --> 00:03:14,871
Now say it without winking.

67
00:03:15,394 --> 00:03:17,010
No strippers.

68
00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:21,240
- You just winked.
- No I didn't.

69
00:03:23,826 --> 00:03:27,961
So, when the day arrived, we all climbed
into a rented Escalade and set out.

70
00:03:28,154 --> 00:03:32,099
Now, every bachelor party is usually
made up of the same stock characters.

71
00:03:32,325 --> 00:03:33,681
You've got the groom...

72
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,081
the best man...

73
00:03:35,324 --> 00:03:38,662
- the guy who speaks only in clichés...
- Dead man walking!

74
00:03:39,924 --> 00:03:41,882
the guy who disappears
at the beginning of the night

75
00:03:41,894 --> 00:03:43,552
and doesn't show up again until the end.

76
00:03:43,566 --> 00:03:46,691
All right, who's up for a little
blackjack before we check in.

77
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,982
- No, no, no.
- None for me.

78
00:03:49,074 --> 00:03:51,132
See you guys back at the room, then.

79
00:03:51,925 --> 00:03:54,609
And, of course, well... Barney.

80
00:03:54,626 --> 00:03:58,322
Every bachelor party has a Barney.
Oh, what's this?

81
00:03:58,396 --> 00:04:00,920
This car has a DVD player?
You mean,

82
00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:05,179
we could have been watching
these pornos the whole time?

83
00:04:05,194 --> 00:04:07,262
- Yeah.
- This one's in HD.

84
00:04:07,684 --> 00:04:10,980
This one's in H-double-D.
Oh!

85
00:04:12,024 --> 00:04:14,879
That same night, aunt Lily
was having a wedding shower.

86
00:04:14,897 --> 00:04:16,842
And Robin showed up gift in hand.

87
00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:18,620
Funny story about that gift.

88
00:04:18,786 --> 00:04:21,522
Hey, Barney, check out
what I got Lily for her shower.

89
00:04:21,556 --> 00:04:23,802
It's kind of racy.
Think you can handle it?

90
00:04:23,815 --> 00:04:26,499
Uh, I've been in a ten-way.
So, yeah.

91
00:04:32,096 --> 00:04:35,039
- It's kind of see-through.
- Whoa, ho ho!

92
00:04:35,054 --> 00:04:38,232
You weren't kidding! You know
when you should give that to her?

93
00:04:38,254 --> 00:04:40,069
1850.

94
00:04:40,654 --> 00:04:42,722
Robin, it's her bridal shower!

95
00:04:42,737 --> 00:04:44,701
All her friends are gonna be there,
they're going to be drinking.

96
00:04:44,716 --> 00:04:47,219
You need to get her something daring,
something outrageous.

97
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,479
Well, what do you think
I should get her?

98
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:54,490
There's a store on Eighth Avenue
that specializes in—

99
00:04:54,866 --> 00:04:56,361
how to put this delicately?--

100
00:04:56,367 --> 00:05:01,930
uh, battery-powered, adult-
recreational fake penises.

101
00:05:03,327 --> 00:05:05,942
And so Aunt Robin went
to a store on Eighth Avenue,

102
00:05:05,956 --> 00:05:09,102
and a battery-powered,
adult-recreational...

103
00:05:09,124 --> 00:05:11,952
Well, it was something inappropriate.
And we're back in.

104
00:05:17,544 --> 00:05:18,782
Robin!

105
00:05:19,467 --> 00:05:20,742
I'm so glad you're here.

106
00:05:21,227 --> 00:05:23,259
Come in, I want you to meet everybody.

107
00:05:23,277 --> 00:05:26,541
Robin, this is my Grandma Lois
and my Aunt Florence.

108
00:05:26,554 --> 00:05:28,412
Oh, lovely to meet you, dear.

109
00:05:28,456 --> 00:05:30,482
They put this whole party together.

110
00:05:31,084 --> 00:05:34,622
It's different from what I expected,
but lovely.

111
00:05:34,726 --> 00:05:35,842
Lovely.

112
00:05:35,854 --> 00:05:37,291
And oh, look, there are little kids here!

113
00:05:37,305 --> 00:05:38,371
Yeah, my cousins.

114
00:05:38,387 --> 00:05:41,699
Listen, I, uh, I forgot something
somewhere so I'm going to just go...

115
00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:43,702
Robin, this is my mom, Janice.

116
00:05:43,715 --> 00:05:46,819
Oh, honey.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.

117
00:05:46,857 --> 00:05:48,740
Me too.
I, I've heard so much about you.

118
00:05:48,754 --> 00:05:51,712
Me, too. Oh, here.
Let me take your gift.

119
00:05:54,055 --> 00:05:58,010
Can I guess what it is?
Is it a, a, a mini food processor?

120
00:05:58,154 --> 00:05:59,652
- No.
- No? Oh.

121
00:05:59,724 --> 00:06:01,510
Oh, give me a hint.
What color is it?

122
00:06:02,504 --> 00:06:03,569
Black.

123
00:06:05,105 --> 00:06:07,899
Well, I guess I'm just going
to have to wait and see!

124
00:06:09,386 --> 00:06:11,192
- Oh, great.
- Robin...

125
00:06:11,225 --> 00:06:15,101
- this is my Cousin Margaret.
- Oh, finally, someone our own age!

126
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:19,072
Wait, do I introduce you as
"Cousin Margaret" or "Sister Margaret?"

127
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:21,970
Well, I'm not officially confirmed
as a nun until next month

128
00:06:21,986 --> 00:06:26,482
and I don't want to tick off the Big Guy,
so let's stick with "Cousin" for now.

129
00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,571
God's watching.
Excellent!

130
00:06:33,764 --> 00:06:35,919
Man, they spent a lot of money
on this porno.

131
00:06:36,274 --> 00:06:40,130
Whoa— Morgan Freeman?
Man, that guy's in everything.

132
00:06:40,514 --> 00:06:43,550
Aw, man, I grabbed
the wrong Deep Impact!

133
00:06:44,427 --> 00:06:46,242
No, leave it in, it's a good movie.

134
00:06:46,254 --> 00:06:50,199
- But, dude, there's no sex in it.
- Yeah, just like marriage. Huh? Right?

135
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:54,012
Oh, oh, hey, check this out!
Don't ask how,

136
00:06:54,027 --> 00:06:57,949
but I procured for us five loco-bueno,

137
00:06:58,054 --> 00:07:00,580
hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans.

138
00:07:00,597 --> 00:07:02,749
Seriously, you could go to jail
for smoking these things.

139
00:07:02,754 --> 00:07:05,341
Marriage is like jail!
Right, fellas?

140
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:09,301
But at least in jail,
you get to have sex!

141
00:07:11,885 --> 00:07:15,899
But we're not lighting these babies up,
till we get to the A.C.

142
00:07:15,927 --> 00:07:16,990
A.C.?

143
00:07:17,054 --> 00:07:19,839
Um, Atlantic City.
Try to keep up, Brad.

144
00:07:19,902 --> 00:07:21,903
We're not going to Atlantic City.

145
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:24,970
Just a second, Brad.

146
00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:30,686
- Hi.
- Hi.

147
00:07:31,828 --> 00:07:33,641
We're still going
to Atlantic City, right?

148
00:07:33,657 --> 00:07:37,171
Oh, did I not tell you? Yeah, we
switched it. We're going to Foxwoods.

149
00:07:37,264 --> 00:07:38,751
Foxwoods?

150
00:07:38,786 --> 00:07:45,090
But I've got an ipperstray
waiting in tlanticaay itycay.

151
00:07:45,354 --> 00:07:46,882
What the heck's in Foxwoods?

152
00:07:46,894 --> 00:07:50,100
Well, we've got five third row seats
to the Popinski-Salazar rematch.

153
00:07:50,406 --> 00:07:52,639
They've set aside
our very own craps table,

154
00:07:52,664 --> 00:07:54,652
and I reserved a private room
for us at Connelly's,

155
00:07:54,666 --> 00:07:57,311
where the five of us are going
to be sharing a 102-ounce steak

156
00:07:57,325 --> 00:07:59,769
from a cow that I picked out
on the Internet.

157
00:07:59,954 --> 00:08:02,449
- Yeah.
- Great. The night's ruined.

158
00:08:02,794 --> 00:08:05,450
Sorry, Barney.
It was an honest mistake.

159
00:08:09,534 --> 00:08:11,692
This is going to be great!

160
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:14,949
Meat, violence,
throwing money down the toilet.

161
00:08:14,976 --> 00:08:17,192
America— one;
every other country— zero.

162
00:08:17,554 --> 00:08:19,249
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.

163
00:08:19,906 --> 00:08:23,052
- You okay, Barney?
- What can I say, Ted? You won.

164
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,451
Hi.

165
00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:28,572
You one... sad, pathetic loser.

166
00:08:28,846 --> 00:08:31,222
Boys, say hello to Treasure.

167
00:08:31,697 --> 00:08:32,971
Hi, Treasure.

168
00:08:34,527 --> 00:08:36,689
- I can't believe that you did this.
- I had to.

169
00:08:36,707 --> 00:08:38,062
- I'm your best man.
- Ted's my best man.

170
00:08:38,074 --> 00:08:40,022
You've yet to make a decision
and that's fine.

171
00:08:40,036 --> 00:08:43,919
But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job
to make sure at your bachelor party

172
00:08:43,925 --> 00:08:47,759
you see a woman take her clothes off while
dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again."

173
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,030
All right, fine, but...
let's make it fast, all right.

174
00:08:54,044 --> 00:08:55,780
The fight starts in an hour
we don't want to miss it.

175
00:08:55,797 --> 00:08:58,309
It's a girl taking her clothes off.
How long can it take?

176
00:08:58,327 --> 00:08:59,999
It's a bit more complicated than that.

177
00:09:00,015 --> 00:09:03,331
I need two grounded sockets, a large
sterile pot filled with hot water

178
00:09:03,344 --> 00:09:05,531
and you all need to sign these releases.

179
00:09:09,325 --> 00:09:13,701
An egg beater!
Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia!

180
00:09:13,785 --> 00:09:15,479
I love that it's cordless.

181
00:09:15,494 --> 00:09:17,239
Well, at least I got that part right.

182
00:09:18,376 --> 00:09:21,032
All of these gifts are so thoughtful.

183
00:09:21,415 --> 00:09:22,449
Lily?

184
00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:25,980
I need you to look at me right now
and read my mind.

185
00:09:26,687 --> 00:09:29,181
- Oh, my God! You're hearing me!
- Yeah!

186
00:09:29,627 --> 00:09:31,981
Sorry this party's so boring.
What's up?

187
00:09:32,314 --> 00:09:36,352
Do not open my gift.
See what I'm doing here?

188
00:09:36,365 --> 00:09:40,041
I'm looking over at the gift,
then back at you,

189
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:42,909
and I'm shaking my head, "no."

190
00:09:43,036 --> 00:09:46,432
Gift. You. No.

191
00:09:46,914 --> 00:09:50,262
- Are you getting that?
- I totally got it.

192
00:09:56,755 --> 00:09:58,630
Here you go.

193
00:09:59,695 --> 00:10:02,309
Lily said it was your time of the month.

194
00:10:03,154 --> 00:10:04,442
You're welcome.

195
00:10:10,254 --> 00:10:11,439
What are you doing?

196
00:10:11,734 --> 00:10:17,472
Oh, just, um... rearranging the gifts.
The pile looked a bit precarious. So...

197
00:10:17,497 --> 00:10:19,729
Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it.

198
00:10:19,925 --> 00:10:21,929
Great. You do that.

199
00:10:22,547 --> 00:10:24,361
You're gonna make a damn good nun.

200
00:10:29,204 --> 00:10:31,772
As many times as Robin told
this story over the years,

201
00:10:31,785 --> 00:10:35,240
she would never quite be able
to explain the logic of her next move.

202
00:10:42,256 --> 00:10:44,420
Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert?

203
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:46,462
Shh! She's starting.

204
00:10:46,574 --> 00:10:50,209
Please turn off your cell phones,
pagers and sense of shame.

205
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:56,489
All right, boys. Lie back, get
comfortable, and enjoy the show.

206
00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:03,781
Of course there's no way
I'm telling you about her show.

207
00:11:03,804 --> 00:11:05,971
- So, let's skip ahead a little.
- Ow!

208
00:11:06,776 --> 00:11:09,081
Oh my God, are you all right?

209
00:11:09,097 --> 00:11:11,921
No, I am not all right, you idiot.
My ankle is broken!

210
00:11:11,965 --> 00:11:15,101
- Take me to the hospital!
- Um, actually, we have tickets.

211
00:11:17,257 --> 00:11:18,820
You know what?
Thanks a lot, Barney.

212
00:11:18,825 --> 00:11:20,209
She told you at the beginning of the show

213
00:11:20,227 --> 00:11:22,550
not to use the smoke machine
when she's on the hippity hop.

214
00:11:22,565 --> 00:11:25,261
Now I'm going to have to spend the rest
of my bachelor party in a hospital.

215
00:11:25,356 --> 00:11:27,009
Well, hey, maybe
we'll get to see her X-rays.

216
00:11:27,026 --> 00:11:28,910
The ultimate strip show.

217
00:11:28,926 --> 00:11:32,731
- X-rays. More like triple X-rays.
- Just stop.

218
00:11:36,847 --> 00:11:38,251
Which exit is the hospital?

219
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:40,161
What if she doesn't make it
to the hospital?

220
00:11:40,189 --> 00:11:41,773
Barney, please calm down.

221
00:11:41,779 --> 00:11:43,193
Maybe we should just
take her to the desert,

222
00:11:43,197 --> 00:11:45,064
bury her and wash our hands
of this whole thing!

223
00:11:45,148 --> 00:11:46,682
Dude, what is the matter with you?

224
00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:48,831
I'm just trying to illustrate
to Marshall that as his best man...

225
00:11:48,848 --> 00:11:50,712
- You're not my best man.
- As his best man,

226
00:11:50,726 --> 00:11:52,572
I would help him bury
a hooker in the desert.

227
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,473
- I'm not a hooker.
- And you're not my best man.

228
00:11:54,489 --> 00:11:56,131
You've ruined my bachelor party.

229
00:11:56,268 --> 00:11:59,081
I don't know why you wouldn't just listen
to me when I said I didn't want this.

230
00:11:59,096 --> 00:12:01,831
Well, the fight started ten minutes ago.
Maybe-maybe we should listen.

231
00:12:02,157 --> 00:12:03,774
Oh, Doctor, what a fight!

232
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,364
That knockout will be talked about
for years to come!

233
00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:08,213
Anyone lucky enough to be
in the arena tonight

234
00:12:08,217 --> 00:12:10,982
just witnessed boxing history
in the making!

235
00:12:12,537 --> 00:12:17,162
Thank you so much, Margaret. I can't
believe you carved that crucifix yourself.

236
00:12:17,176 --> 00:12:18,751
So talented.

237
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:20,803
Didn't think you could carve.

238
00:12:23,756 --> 00:12:28,241
For you.
Oh. And this one's from...

239
00:12:28,969 --> 00:12:31,693
- Grandma Lois.
- Oh. No, wait, darling.

240
00:12:33,459 --> 00:12:36,681
Before you open this,
I-I want to say a few words.

241
00:12:36,699 --> 00:12:38,421
Okay, something you need to know.

242
00:12:38,788 --> 00:12:43,164
Grandma Lois thought she was giving her
granddaughter an antique sewing machine.

243
00:12:44,149 --> 00:12:45,402
And we're back in.

244
00:12:45,789 --> 00:12:51,982
Honey, this handy little device has been
in our family for generations.

245
00:12:51,999 --> 00:12:54,861
I used it,
your great grandmother used it.

246
00:12:54,877 --> 00:12:59,401
Now, her mother didn't use this one,
but she used one just like it.

247
00:12:59,429 --> 00:13:02,113
Of course, back then,
they were made out of wood.

248
00:13:02,436 --> 00:13:06,114
And, uh, I guess before that,
you just had to do it by hand.

249
00:13:06,138 --> 00:13:09,334
- Would you pass the wine, please?
- No.

250
00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:11,611
Hey, Marshall,

251
00:13:11,818 --> 00:13:14,024
while we're here, you may as well
go down to the morgue and

252
00:13:14,037 --> 00:13:17,092
climb into a drawer, 'cause
that's what marriage is like.

253
00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:18,593
Can I get an amen?

254
00:13:21,116 --> 00:13:23,142
- Is everything all right at home, Stuart?
- No.

255
00:13:32,138 --> 00:13:33,392
It's broken.

256
00:13:33,506 --> 00:13:37,952
Oh, damn it, this is bad.
I really can't lose this job.

257
00:13:38,338 --> 00:13:43,264
My daughters are about to start school,
and my fiancé, well...

258
00:13:43,637 --> 00:13:47,394
ever since he got back from Iraq,
pretty much all he does is drink.

259
00:13:47,818 --> 00:13:49,964
I think about leaving him, but...

260
00:13:50,036 --> 00:13:54,153
I don't want my girls growing up
without a dad like I did.

261
00:13:54,569 --> 00:13:56,704
I don't want them
to know what that's like.

262
00:14:00,418 --> 00:14:03,221
- So, show time?
- What is the matter with you?

263
00:14:03,348 --> 00:14:04,812
Her ankle's broken.

264
00:14:04,826 --> 00:14:07,802
I know for a fact that
the second half of her act

265
00:14:07,817 --> 00:14:10,433
takes place largely
in a seated or supine position.

266
00:14:10,447 --> 00:14:11,691
Oh, that's true.

267
00:14:12,049 --> 00:14:15,002
Treasure, please,
don't worry about the show.

268
00:14:15,338 --> 00:14:16,734
Uh, we'd feel bad.

269
00:14:17,509 --> 00:14:18,773
What does that mean?

270
00:14:18,787 --> 00:14:20,792
No. We just mean, uh,
you're off the hook.

271
00:14:20,807 --> 00:14:22,124
You don't have to do it.

272
00:14:22,398 --> 00:14:24,972
I don't have to do it?
Well, guess what?

273
00:14:24,987 --> 00:14:29,703
I know I don't have to do it.
I do it because I am good at it.

274
00:14:29,758 --> 00:14:31,532
Look, I don't need your pity.

275
00:14:31,568 --> 00:14:35,632
All I want to do is give you a great show
because you're getting married!

276
00:14:35,677 --> 00:14:39,724
Is that so much to ask?
Is that such a major inconvenience?

277
00:14:51,219 --> 00:14:52,472
Oh, that is wrong.

278
00:14:53,939 --> 00:14:55,333
Oh, that's just so wrong.

279
00:14:56,698 --> 00:15:00,162
Well, the doctor did say for her
to keep it elevated.

280
00:15:04,676 --> 00:15:08,674
When I was a girl, my mother taught me
and my sister to use it.

281
00:15:08,737 --> 00:15:11,993
We used to have contests
to see who could finish faster.

282
00:15:12,009 --> 00:15:15,843
It was so exciting. The whole family
would gather around to watch.

283
00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:20,771
And when I was a new bride,
this is what kept me buzy

284
00:15:20,788 --> 00:15:24,542
all those long nights when
your grandfather was in Korea.

285
00:15:25,748 --> 00:15:27,774
And speaking of your grandfather,

286
00:15:27,788 --> 00:15:32,282
though I don't think he'd care to admit
this to any of his army buddies, but...

287
00:15:33,148 --> 00:15:35,771
he'd have a go at it
every once in a while.

288
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,052
And he enjoyed it.

289
00:15:39,478 --> 00:15:41,332
Oh, open it up, sweetie.

290
00:15:41,347 --> 00:15:44,691
May this give for you as much joy
as it's brought me.

291
00:16:07,977 --> 00:16:09,363
Grandma, um...

292
00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:12,242
Wow.

293
00:16:12,789 --> 00:16:16,873
Well, take it out, honey.
I want to show you how to use it.

294
00:16:18,428 --> 00:16:20,802
Okay, no, no!
Don't take it out.

295
00:16:21,139 --> 00:16:23,741
Lily, that's not your grandma's gift.
It's mine.

296
00:16:23,766 --> 00:16:27,934
I panicked, and I switched the cards
because I was embarrassed.

297
00:16:27,966 --> 00:16:29,492
Well, what is it?

298
00:16:39,508 --> 00:16:43,691
It's just like the one Miranda gave
to Charlotte on Sex and the City.

299
00:16:43,738 --> 00:16:47,462
Oh, I love that show.
I always watch it on TBS.

300
00:16:47,576 --> 00:16:50,094
Oh, you would.
You're such a Samantha!

301
00:16:50,107 --> 00:16:52,602
Oh, I'm a Carrie!
You're a Samantha!

302
00:16:53,926 --> 00:16:57,032
And then the night became
a whole new kind of uncomfortable.

303
00:16:58,336 --> 00:17:00,841
- So where do I get one of these?
- Mom!

304
00:17:04,859 --> 00:17:06,965
Man, what a show, huh?

305
00:17:07,290 --> 00:17:09,826
She did some disgusting stuff.
Really sticks with you.

306
00:17:11,450 --> 00:17:13,006
I may be done eating.

307
00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:14,404
Me, too.

308
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,485
I mean, like, forever.

309
00:17:16,988 --> 00:17:18,036
Me, too.

310
00:17:18,528 --> 00:17:19,866
I miss my wife.

311
00:17:21,628 --> 00:17:25,156
Hey, let's go around the table
and say what our favorite part was.

312
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,566
Mine was that thing with the typewriter.

313
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:30,895
I mean, she made some
spelling mistakes, but still.

314
00:17:31,828 --> 00:17:34,466
Ooh, and you guys were all,
"Barney, put out the cigar!

315
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,986
It's a non-smoking room!" And I was all,
"Hell, no, this is a Cuban!"

316
00:17:38,731 --> 00:17:41,356
Of course, eventually,
I did put it out.

317
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,414
Did I put it out?

318
00:17:44,158 --> 00:17:45,176
I put it out.

319
00:17:46,238 --> 00:17:47,536
Did I put it out?

320
00:17:48,780 --> 00:17:50,023
I put it out.

321
00:17:51,731 --> 00:17:52,855
Did I put it out?

322
00:17:53,278 --> 00:17:57,066
It was a small fire, not even big enough
to force an evacuation of the hotel,

323
00:17:57,078 --> 00:17:59,114
but definitely big enough
to get us kicked out,

324
00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:02,036
and bring Marshall's
bachelor party to an early end.

325
00:18:02,529 --> 00:18:03,535
Is that...?

326
00:18:05,330 --> 00:18:06,555
It is.

327
00:18:11,061 --> 00:18:12,295
Hey, guys.

328
00:18:14,981 --> 00:18:15,973
How was the fight?

329
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:23,106
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
What happened to the bachelor party?

330
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,546
We missed the fight, dinner was ruined,

331
00:18:25,568 --> 00:18:28,755
we spent half the night in the hospital,
and got kicked out of the hotel.

332
00:18:28,838 --> 00:18:31,304
- What do you think happened?
- Barney. Barney.

333
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,434
Hey, I was just trying
to be a good best man.

334
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,046
You know what a best man does, Barney?
He does what the groom wants.

335
00:18:37,129 --> 00:18:40,165
But all you ever think about is
what you want, what's best for you.

336
00:18:40,178 --> 00:18:41,083
Best man?

337
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:43,384
I'm not even sure I'm inviting you
to the wedding at this point.

338
00:18:43,458 --> 00:18:44,574
You don't mean that.

339
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:47,534
Why should I invite you?
You don't even want us to get married.

340
00:18:50,618 --> 00:18:51,934
That's not true.

341
00:18:52,268 --> 00:18:53,576
Lily, don't.

342
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:55,543
What?

343
00:18:57,611 --> 00:18:58,734
I'm sorry, Barney.

344
00:18:59,088 --> 00:19:01,606
It happened last summer
when we were broken up.

345
00:19:03,758 --> 00:19:05,774
Hey, what are you guys talking about?

346
00:19:06,118 --> 00:19:07,904
- Lily.
- Ah, I got to go.

347
00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:15,425
Newark Airport, please.

348
00:19:23,658 --> 00:19:25,674
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Barney, what are you doing here?

349
00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:27,416
I can't believe it's really you.
Come in, have a seat.

350
00:19:27,428 --> 00:19:29,213
Do you want some tea?
I know the apartment's small,

351
00:19:29,229 --> 00:19:31,184
but I don't need much space.
Let me show you some of my paintings.

352
00:19:31,191 --> 00:19:33,363
I think it's some of my best work ever.
Just stop it.

353
00:19:33,409 --> 00:19:37,216
Lily, you have to come home.
You and Marshall belong together.

354
00:19:37,258 --> 00:19:37,986
The two of you

355
00:19:37,989 --> 00:19:40,563
have something that most people search
their whole lives for and never find.

356
00:19:40,569 --> 00:19:43,155
I know you love him, and if you knew
what he was going through right now,

357
00:19:43,171 --> 00:19:45,493
you wouldn't be here
for one more second.

358
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:47,696
I bought you a ticket home.

359
00:19:48,090 --> 00:19:50,234
Marshall is one
of the best people I know,

360
00:19:50,239 --> 00:19:52,383
and it won't be long until
someone else realizes that,

361
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,994
and you'll lose him forever.

362
00:19:54,411 --> 00:19:55,935
I can't stand the thought
of that happening,

363
00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:58,663
and I cannot keep stealing
chicks from him forever.

364
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:02,654
Never, ever tell anyone I was here.
I will deny it tooth and nail.

365
00:20:02,671 --> 00:20:04,164
This trip never happened.

366
00:20:07,659 --> 00:20:09,613
Hey, if you had three hours to kill
before your flight, what would you do—

367
00:20:09,628 --> 00:20:11,754
Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

368
00:20:16,169 --> 00:20:17,454
You really did that?

369
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:25,364
Marshall, I think Barney's
your best man.

370
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:26,946
Yeah.

371
00:20:27,169 --> 00:20:28,195
Yes, he is.

372
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,673
See, Lily?
This is why I didn't...

373
00:20:31,028 --> 00:20:32,426
- Really?
- Really.

374
00:20:33,628 --> 00:20:34,553
Real...

375
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,573
In your face, loser!

376
00:20:38,728 --> 00:20:41,184
Take it easy, all right.
Ted's still my best man, too.

377
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,994
You guys are co-best men.

378
00:20:43,001 --> 00:20:46,286
Right.
Yes, we're both best man.

379
00:20:47,630 --> 00:20:50,265
No, um, seriously.
You guys are co-best men.

380
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:51,646
Of course.

381
00:21:02,932 --> 00:21:04,758
I can't believe you got me this.

382
00:21:04,784 --> 00:21:07,900
Oh, I only did it as a joke.
I can return it for you you want.

383
00:21:07,905 --> 00:21:11,357
Oh, no, it's okay. You don't have
to go all the way back down there.

384
00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:13,580
- I'll, I'll just throw it away.
- Well, I mean,

385
00:21:13,593 --> 00:21:15,069
if you were going to throw it away,
maybe I'll take it

386
00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:17,627
in case I get invited
to another wedding shower.

387
00:21:17,645 --> 00:21:20,678
- It's a great gag gift.
- Yeah, it's really funny.

388
00:21:21,043 --> 00:21:22,659
You know who would get a kick out of it?

389
00:21:22,672 --> 00:21:23,649
Marshall.

390
00:21:23,665 --> 00:21:25,639
So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it.

391
00:21:26,184 --> 00:21:29,398
I would be embarrassed if Marshall
found out that I bought it for you,

392
00:21:29,465 --> 00:21:31,918
- so I'd better just take it.
- Robin, leave it.

393
00:21:34,432 --> 00:21:38,660
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com