Kids,
I know you think that
you've heard every story
from back before
I met your mother,
but there are some stories
you tell
and some stories you don't.
Oh, my God!
Barney how... Oh, my God...
Use your words, Ted.
Okay.
Barney, I'm about to
go for the belt.
The belt?
The belt.
But that's impossible.
You were up here
less than half an hour ago.
Yes! Advantage, Eriksen.
Don't get cocky.
Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
"Fortnight."
British words
are so cool.
Plus, did you know lawyers
there get to wear wigs?
I wear a wig to work,
I'm a jackass.
All right, I'm ready,
let's hit it.
We can't go.
Tournament.
What? We agreed.
I suited up.
You take too long
to get ready.
What are you talking about?
I got the low-maintenance,
"just-rolled-of-bed" look.
Yeah, which takes
an hour
and a half of waxing,
tugging and teasing
to achieve.
And then he starts
on his hair. Ace!
Look, are we
going or not?
Just go without us.
We'll be there
in five minutes.
Really?
Yes!
All right, I'm going down
to the bar.
I'm ordering three beers
I'll see you guys
in five minutes.
Three beers, five minutes.
Thanks for lending me
these boots.
Where'd you get them from?
This store in the Village
had one of
those crazy sales.
It was a footwear
feeding frenzy.
I saw them first!
You just made
the list, bitch!
So many questions.
Firstly, what do you think
would happen
if a guy
walked into that store
wearing a suit of boots?
You look fantastic
in them, Robin.
But don't you think
they're a little high
for that dress?
Well, that's the point,
it's to hide the fact
that I haven't
shaved my legs.
I've begun
a strict no-shave policy
for the first three dates.
It's all about
self-control.
If I don't shave,
I must behave.
FYI, it doesn't
matter, baby.
Guys just want to
get on the green.
They don't mind
going through the rough.
Stinson.
All right,
the beers are here.
Yeah, we're not
gonna make it.
Oh, come on!
We agreed...
Did Marshall
take his pants off?
Yeah, pants are off.
This is Wimbledon, Ted.
I need the freedom
and mobility that only
underwear can provide.
Cheerio!
Fine.
I don't need friends.
I got you guys.
You guys are my friends,
my cool refreshing friends.
I'm talking to beer.
Ted? Trudy.
Trudy!
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you
since...
I slept with you
and then climbed down
the fire escape.
That was you?
I'm kidding.
I was super-wasted.
These are not
all for me.
No, I was going to call you,
but I was so embarrassed.
You were embarrassed?
I was like,
"I really like this guy,
and now I'm climbing
out his window."
And I forgot
my underwear.
Those were yours?
God, I thought
they felt kind of tight.
I'm kidding.
I don't wear underwear.
Ladies' underwear.
Often.
Again, I'm kidding.
I'm so glad
I ran into you.
I know.
Do you want to...
Trudy?
No way!
Oh, my God!
Rachel, how are you?
Ted, this is Rachel.
Hi!
Kappa Epsilon Gamma!
Wait, let me guess.
You guys met in prison.
No! We were
sorority sisters.
Oh!
And best friends forever,
all sophomore year.
When we weren't at
each other's throats.
We could be
so competitive.
But that's all
behind us now.
Hey, mister!
We have so much
catching up to do.
Okay. Are you going to
Stacey's wedding?
Oh, it's off.
Apparently,
he's into dudes.
Again? That's like
her third one.
I know!
Well, beers,
what do you want to do?
We could stay here
or I know this other place
called "My Belly."
So, Trudy and I
got a table.
Oh, that's cool.
I was gonna
get out of here, anyway.
I'm really tired.
I want you to stay.
Tired of people
who fold early,
because I am wide awake!
Okay, guys, be cool.
You've been
vanquished, old bean.
That's 'cause
you distracted me.
You've been hanging crumpet
ever since the third set.
Stinson.
I've got a situation.
Trudy is here, you know,
from the pineapple incident?
Oh, you mean the girl
that chalked your pool cue
and then snuck down
the fire escape?
Respect.
So, we're hitting it off
and then
her friend shows up
and they're kind of
competitive.
I think the new girl's
kind of into me.
So you now have
two on the line?
And I don't know
which one to go for.
Go for the new girl!
Given the choice,
always party
with Dr. Strangelove.
New girl?
What new girl?
Two girls are allegedly
vying for Ted's affections,
and I think...
Oh, you don't know
what you're talking about.
Give it to me.
Are they friends?
Yeah. No. I don't know.
They're old sorority sisters.
Are they Betas?
Because they're all sluts
and you can
tell them right now
I didn't wanna be
in their sorority, anyway.
They're Kappas, and...
I think I can score
with one of them.
I don't know which one,
and if I chose wrong,
I lose them both.
Okay, well, don't worry.
I'll come down
and help you figure it out.
I thought we were in
for the evening?
That's what I thought
about your bangers
and mash down there,
but I guess
we're both wrong,
guv'nor.
Oh, Ted. Okay.
Settle an argument.
Mmm-hmm.
Is it stealing if you go out
with someone's boyfriend
after they've broken up?
Well, that's very
complicated...
See? He agrees with me.
You're such
a little man thief.
You're the man thief,
man thief.
Somebody should
lock you girls up.
You're so funny.
I think Ted is funny.
Really?
I think Ted is hilarious.
I am never not
wearing a suit again.
Hello?
It's me. I'm at the bar.
Don't look.
Just call me "Mom."
Hey, Mom.
How's Dad's... colon?
What?
What's the matter with you?
Anyway, both of these girls
are into you,
take your pick.
They are? Are you sure?
Yes, of course.
They're playing
with their hair
and touching your arm.
Classic green light.
Are you positive?
Oh. That is so fascinating.
So what happened?
Well, after 18 hours
of surgery,
I closed, and, thankfully,
both girls just celebrated
their second birthday.
Wow. Gosh, separating
conjoined twins,
that must be
the most amazing feeling.
True, but now the parents
don't know what to do
with their huge supply
of four-legged overalls.
That is so funny.
You're so funny.
Positive.
They both want you bad.
It's a clearance sale
and you're the boots, baby.
Oh, it's Robin.
Good luck.
Bye, Mom.
That's my mom.
Hello?
Bring me a razor.
What about the no-shave rule?
What happened
to your convictions?
They've been
surgically removed
by Dr. Awesome.
No, I'm not doing it.
The whole point to
not shaving was to...
Lily, please!
He's really cute
and I really like him
and he's got
a British accent.
I'm on my way.
So this college boyfriend,
who won him?
Neither of us.
He left.
Junior year abroad.
It's really too bad,
'cause, there was that
one thing we wanted to do.
We were going to do,
but we never did.
What? Wait, what were you guys
gonna do but never did?
No,
it's too embarrassing.
You tell him.
No, you tell him.
Well, I don't care
if you don't care.
Well, I don't care.
I just...
Nobody cares!
Just say it.
Why don't
we tell him together.
Okay.
On three.
One...
Well, he's right,
it's a dead heat.
Two...
Neither one
is giving ground.
I could not tell
who was the third wheel.
Three.
It's a tricycle!
No way, no way, no way!
What's happening?
It's a tricycle.
No way, no way,
no way.
It's a tricycle.
Well, I'll just
say it right now.
All sorority girls are sluts.
Put him on speaker.
So what you're
saying to us right now
is that you have a shot
at the belt?
Wait, wait, wait.
What belt?
Well, Barney and I
have this running joke
that the first guy
o actually pull this off
would "win the
championship belt."
Oh, so it's
a metaphorical belt,
right?
Behold!
You actually
bought a belt.
That's right.
It's resplendent.
Come on, it was just
a thing we said.
We were kidding around.
I never kid.
Remember you said
if I ever
slept with that girl
from Days of Our Lives,
I'd be the king?
Well...
Why wasn't I
told about the belt?
I could go for the belt.
If Lily were to die before me,
then I could
ride the tricycle.
If I died,
I would just come back
and haunt your penis.
Guys, come on! Help me out.
What do I do?
All right, Ted,
if you're going to go
for the belt,
then the bylaws require me
to ask
the following questions.
One, is the aggregate age
of all participants
under 83?
Yes.
Two, is the aggregate weight
of all participants
under 400 pounds?
Yes.
Theodore Mosby,
are you paying
these women?
What? No.
Ted...
No. Look, I got to go.
They're going to
think I inherited
my dad's imaginary
bathroom issues.
Oh, are you guys leaving?
Well, it is getting
pretty late.
Right. Well, well,
it's been...
Maybe, we could all
go listen
to that Wilco CD
you talked about before.
Great! I have it
right upstairs.
It's in my apartment upstairs.
Let's go upstairs.
I'm sorry.
Where was your apartment
again?
That's funny.
I love that.
You should tell more jokes
in my apartment upstairs.
Scenario number 12.
We're in
a horrific car crash.
You die.
I'm left paralyzed.
Two sexy nurses,
with a six-pack
of wine coolers,
sneak into my room
late at night.
I try to blink at them
in Morse code.
"Please, don't,
I love my dead wife."
But they're
medical professionals,
and I got to think,
somehow,
they're saving my life.
Fine. Sleep with your nurses.
Tonight you ride the unicycle.
I already did this morning.
Hello.
Lily, I have pounded
three cappuccinos
waiting for you.
Pretty soon,
I won't have to shave,
the hair is going to
vibrate off my legs.
I'm sorry,
I can't leave now.
Lily, he can't
see my legs like this.
I look like
a Turkish lesbian.
There's a pharmacy
across the street.
Would 20 bucks
buy me a razor?
No, but 50 will.
Hold on.
Ted's texting me.
"We're combing up sars."
"Combing up sars."
What does that mean?
It means
they're coming upstairs.
Pants? Where's my pants?
Where's my pants?
Got them.
Ooh!
Nice place.
Hey, are these
your roommates?
Yes.
Yes, but they are not here.
They are somewhere else.
We have total privacy
because privacy is essential
when you're
listening to music.
You know
what else is essential
when you're
listening to music?
Music.
That's hilarious.
You are hilarious!
I'll go get it in my bedroom.
The CD's in my bedroom.
Bedroom...
Okay. We'll try
and stay out of trouble.
Of course,
we can't promise
anything.
This is gonna be awesome.
No!
What are you guys
doing here?
I've got, I've got...
We know.
We know, Ted,
well done.
This is very impressive.
Up top.
Yeah bro, up top.
Oh, don't be gross.
You guys need to
get out of here,
right now.
Please, take
the fire escape.
No, no way.
The other day
I saw a pigeon
take a crap on it
and the whole thing
shifted.
Oh, you can
use our bedroom.
Okay, all I need to
seal the deal is
the Wilco CD, Barney.
What are you doing?
I cannot allow Ted
to do this.
What? Why?
Because the belt
is my birthright!
You cannot claim it
before I do.
That would be like
Jimmy Olsen
capturing Lex Luther
while Superman watches
impotently from the bedroom.
But, Barney, you've done
way dirtier stuff than Ted.
You're disgusting.
I've never ridden
the tricycle.
I was on the verge
last year.
I was so close.
So ladies, why don't
we move this party to
a more horizontal location?
Oh, my God, my new carpet!
Oh, my God,
this is a disaster.
You get
the carpet cleaner.
I'll get a towel.
Okay.
I'll get the video camera.
Get out!
Okay, then.
So let me get this straight.
You're going to
trike-block me?
That is so petty.
It's like you're...
Tom Petty.
You're Tom Petty.
Where's Lily?
Still looking
for that CD, so...
What are you doing?
I knew it.
I had a hunch about that girl
and I was right.
I saw it first!
You just made
the list, bitch.
I cannot
give up my bedroom
to a boot thief.
She should be punished,
not rewarded.
Fine, then I'll try to
work in
a little light spanking.
Just do this for me!
No, never.
What if I reimburse
you for the boots?
Full retail.
Please enjoy
our bedroom.
Great.
Just take it.
Okay, wish me luck.
Oh, my God!
You look fine.
You're such a girl.
Where's the shaving cream?
You didn't ask me
for shaving cream.
Well, it was implied.
Who buys a razor
without buying
shaving cream?
Well, who doesn't shave
their legs for a date?
Well, who's not getting
a tip
because of her attitude?
Well, here's
a little tip for you,
shave your legs
before you leave
the house, Sasquatch.
Hey, Robin,
the valet's brought
the car round.
I thought we'd go to my place,
if you're in the mood
for a nightcap.
Absolutely.
I just have to go to
the ladies' room.
I've got TB.
Tiny bladder.
I'll meet you out front.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
You've got to
be kidding me.
Excuse me. Sorry.
So, I'm having
a little trouble
finding the CD.
That's okay.
We don't need music
to have fun.
Exactly.
You do like to have fun
don't you, Ted?
It's getting late.
I'll get your coats.
"I'll get your coats"?
I don't know
why I said that.
Why did I say that?
It's the opposite
of what I meant.
I wanna
take clothes off them,
not put more on.
Ted, you're ruining this
for everyone.
Leave him alone!
Sometimes even
the greatest warriors
shoot themselves
in the foot.
What are you
talking about?
If you must know,
it wasn't a freak beverage
malfunction
that stopped me
from riding the tricycle
that night.
So, Barney, why don't
we take this party to
a more horizontal location?
Oh, no,
the night's ruined!
No, baby, it's not.
Yes, it is!
Whatever this night
was heading towards,
is ruined.
Where's my coat?
Why would you do that
to yourself?
Because you get up
in your head, man.
You start thinking,
"I can't do this.
It's two women."
That's two of everything,
four of some things.
The logistics alone
are enough to cripple
even a pro like me.
See, if a complete degenerate
like Barney choked,
what chance do I have?
The best chance
in the world.
Fear took the belt
from me.
Fear rode the tricycle
that night, my friends.
But fear will not
get a second turn.
It won't?
No.
Because I now realize,
it isn't my destiny
to win the belt.
It is my destiny
to help my friend win it.
Ted is fated
to go there first.
He is our Neil Armstrong.
Spacesuit up, Ted,
because you're going
to the moon.
Step one!
Ladies. I couldn't
find your coats,
but I did find
tequila.
Wait, wait, wait,
a remote control fireplace?
We don't have
a remote control fireplace.
Right, that's my apartment.
The dressing gown's mine, too.
Damn, this should be me.
Anyway, continuing...
Oh...
I am so exhausted.
So exhausted.
Wait, why would
I want to tire them out?
That's your excuse
to unleash pretext for
physical contact number one.
You give the most
amazing foot massage.
That's because I used to
practice all the time
on my grandmother.
Why in God's name
would I say that?
It's endearing.
You're a caregiver.
Never take family values
out of the equation.
Step three.
Oh...
Ted, what's wrong?
I was just thinking
about this documentary
I saw once
about something called
a super volcano.
Okay, what the hell?
Wait for it.
It can happen
at any time.
And obliterate
all life on Earth,
which is why I live
by three simple words.
Don't postpone joy.
Oh, my God!
That's so true.
Yeah.
The mortality angle.
That's actually
pretty good.
I can do this.
Yes, you can.
Yeah.
I can't believe
I'm going to say this,
but I'm actually moved.
Bring it in, guys.
All right.
I'll see you
on the other side.
So what happened next?
Did you do it?
It doesn't seem right
to talk about it.
What? No! Tell me.
Don't tell me, because
you don't have to,
because you didn't do it.
You didn't do it. You did it.
You did it, didn't you?
Did you? You didn't do it.
Yes, you did. You did.
No, you... Just tell me!
Some stories you tell,
some stories you don't.
That's because
you didn't do it.
He didn't do it.
You did it.
You did it, didn't you?
You did it.
Tell me, did you?
Ted, belt. Did you?
Did you or didn't you?
Did? Didn't?
Tell me, please.
For the love...
Do you know
if he did or didn't?
Oh, hey, would you go in there
and see if my date's okay?
No problem.
Thank you.
Nope, nobody's in there,
but the window's
actually open.
I guess, I shouldn't
be so surprised.
I mean, she was acting weird
all night, right?
Yeah, you know,
why don't
I buy you a drink?
Okay.
Did I overhear
that you're a surgeon?
Guilty as charged.
Oh, you're so funny.
I'm here! I'm fine!
My head is bleeding.
Going down again.