1 00:00:01,558 --> 00:00:03,143 Kids, back in 2 00:00:01,558 --> 00:00:03,143 the fall of 2007, 3 00:00:03,143 --> 00:00:05,395 I was dating 4 00:00:03,143 --> 00:00:05,395 this girl named... 5 00:00:05,395 --> 00:00:07,314 Oh, God, what was her name? 6 00:00:07,314 --> 00:00:10,025 It's been 23 years. 7 00:00:07,314 --> 00:00:10,025 I can't remember 8 00:00:07,314 --> 00:00:10,025 all this stuff. 9 00:00:10,025 --> 00:00:11,318 For the sake of the story, 10 00:00:10,025 --> 00:00:11,318 let's call her... 11 00:00:11,318 --> 00:00:13,236 Everyone, this is 12 00:00:11,318 --> 00:00:13,236 Blahblah. 13 00:00:13,236 --> 00:00:14,780 Please, call me Blah. 14 00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:16,031 Hello! 15 00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:16,031 Blah. 16 00:00:16,031 --> 00:00:17,700 So, Blah, how did 17 00:00:16,031 --> 00:00:17,700 you two meet? 18 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:21,495 Well, I was taking 19 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:21,495 this cooking class, 20 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:21,495 French fusion, 21 00:00:21,495 --> 00:00:23,288 and everyone already 22 00:00:21,495 --> 00:00:23,288 had a partner, 23 00:00:23,288 --> 00:00:26,124 but then I looked up 24 00:00:23,288 --> 00:00:26,124 and across a crowded room, 25 00:00:26,124 --> 00:00:28,168 I saw Ted. 26 00:00:26,124 --> 00:00:28,168 It was magical. 27 00:00:28,168 --> 00:00:31,421 It was so magical. 28 00:00:31,421 --> 00:00:33,256 Except it wasn't. 29 00:00:33,256 --> 00:00:36,385 She's gonna tell 30 00:00:33,256 --> 00:00:36,385 some bogus story about 31 00:00:33,256 --> 00:00:36,385 a cooking class because 32 00:00:36,385 --> 00:00:38,261 she's embarrassed 33 00:00:36,385 --> 00:00:38,261 we met online. 34 00:00:38,261 --> 00:00:39,847 Aye, Chihuahua. 35 00:00:39,847 --> 00:00:41,849 What? What? 36 00:00:39,847 --> 00:00:41,849 There's no stigma 37 00:00:39,847 --> 00:00:41,849 anymore. 38 00:00:41,849 --> 00:00:43,559 Oh, there's a stigma. 39 00:00:43,559 --> 00:00:46,144 That's why people always say, 40 00:00:43,559 --> 00:00:46,144 "There's no stigma anymore." 41 00:00:46,144 --> 00:00:47,979 So, she's hot? 42 00:00:46,144 --> 00:00:47,979 Oh, she's gorgeous. 43 00:00:47,979 --> 00:00:49,272 Then she's crazy. 44 00:00:49,272 --> 00:00:51,233 No, she's not. 45 00:00:51,233 --> 00:00:53,235 Ted, the only hot girls 46 00:00:51,233 --> 00:00:53,235 that troll the Internet 47 00:00:51,233 --> 00:00:53,235 for dudes 48 00:00:53,235 --> 00:00:56,780 are crazy, 49 00:00:53,235 --> 00:00:56,780 hookers or dudes. 50 00:00:56,780 --> 00:01:00,116 Okay, she's not crazy. 51 00:00:56,780 --> 00:01:00,116 She's not a hooker. 52 00:00:56,780 --> 00:01:00,116 She's not a dude. 53 00:01:00,116 --> 00:01:02,912 Though, there's this guy 54 00:01:00,116 --> 00:01:02,912 I pass on my way to work 55 00:01:00,116 --> 00:01:02,912 every day who's all three, 56 00:01:02,912 --> 00:01:05,080 scares the crap 57 00:01:02,912 --> 00:01:05,080 out of me. 58 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,083 There is no way 59 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,083 she is above the line 60 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,083 on the hot/crazy scale. 61 00:01:08,083 --> 00:01:10,920 She's not even 62 00:01:08,083 --> 00:01:10,920 on the hot/crazy scale. 63 00:01:08,083 --> 00:01:10,920 She's just hot. 64 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,588 Wait. Hot/crazy scale? 65 00:01:12,588 --> 00:01:15,048 Let me illustrate. 66 00:01:15,048 --> 00:01:20,512 A girl is allowed to be crazy, 67 00:01:15,048 --> 00:01:20,512 as long as she is equally hot. 68 00:01:20,512 --> 00:01:24,015 Thus, if she's this crazy, 69 00:01:20,512 --> 00:01:24,015 she has to be this hot. 70 00:01:24,015 --> 00:01:27,519 If she's this crazy, 71 00:01:24,015 --> 00:01:27,519 she has to be this hot. 72 00:01:27,519 --> 00:01:30,940 You want the girl 73 00:01:27,519 --> 00:01:30,940 to be above this line, 74 00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:33,567 also known as 75 00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:33,567 the Vickie Mendoza 76 00:01:30,940 --> 00:01:33,567 diagonal. 77 00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:36,361 This girl I dated, 78 00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:36,361 she played jump rope 79 00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:36,361 with that line. 80 00:01:36,361 --> 00:01:39,239 She'd shave her head, 81 00:01:36,361 --> 00:01:39,239 then lose 10 pounds. 82 00:01:39,239 --> 00:01:42,659 She'd stab me with a fork, 83 00:01:39,239 --> 00:01:42,659 then get a boob job. 84 00:01:42,659 --> 00:01:44,369 I should 85 00:01:42,659 --> 00:01:44,369 give her a call. 86 00:01:57,883 --> 00:02:00,677 Okay, so please, 87 00:01:57,883 --> 00:02:00,677 just play along 88 00:01:57,883 --> 00:02:00,677 with her fake story. 89 00:02:00,677 --> 00:02:02,053 We met in 90 00:02:00,677 --> 00:02:02,053 a cooking class. 91 00:02:02,053 --> 00:02:04,264 I don't know, Ted. 92 00:02:04,264 --> 00:02:07,601 I don't know if I can just 93 00:02:04,264 --> 00:02:07,601 play along with your crazy 94 00:02:04,264 --> 00:02:07,601 girlfriend's fake story. 95 00:02:07,601 --> 00:02:09,561 Now, if you had said 96 00:02:07,601 --> 00:02:09,561 fake breasts... 97 00:02:09,561 --> 00:02:11,438 She's not crazy. 98 00:02:11,438 --> 00:02:14,316 Okay. We'll see. 99 00:02:14,316 --> 00:02:17,319 Long story short, 100 00:02:14,316 --> 00:02:17,319 thank goodness 101 00:02:14,316 --> 00:02:17,319 I'm such a bad cook, 102 00:02:17,319 --> 00:02:20,530 or I never would have 103 00:02:17,319 --> 00:02:20,530 met Ted. 104 00:02:20,530 --> 00:02:24,701 Crazy, how cute that is. 105 00:02:20,530 --> 00:02:24,701 It's crazy. 106 00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,620 You know who else 107 00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,620 has a really cute story 108 00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,620 of how they met? 109 00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:28,121 Marshall and Lily. 110 00:02:28,121 --> 00:02:30,040 You guys should 111 00:02:28,121 --> 00:02:30,040 tell that story, 112 00:02:28,121 --> 00:02:30,040 right now. 113 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,501 All right. But, 114 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,501 spoiler alert, it ends 115 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,501 with everyone saying... 116 00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:34,127 Aw... 117 00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:34,127 Aw! 118 00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:36,379 Starts with it, too. 119 00:02:36,379 --> 00:02:38,966 When you've been 120 00:02:36,379 --> 00:02:38,966 a couple as long 121 00:02:36,379 --> 00:02:38,966 as Marshall and Lily, 122 00:02:38,966 --> 00:02:41,718 telling the how-we-met story 123 00:02:38,966 --> 00:02:41,718 becomes a choreographed dance. 124 00:02:41,718 --> 00:02:44,554 It was late August, 1996. 125 00:02:44,554 --> 00:02:46,348 Lily and I were both 126 00:02:44,554 --> 00:02:46,348 freshmen moving into 127 00:02:46,348 --> 00:02:48,475 Hewitt Hall. 128 00:02:46,348 --> 00:02:48,475 Hewitt Hall. 129 00:02:48,475 --> 00:02:51,603 And she needed 130 00:02:48,475 --> 00:02:51,603 some help 131 00:02:48,475 --> 00:02:51,603 setting up her stereo. 132 00:02:51,603 --> 00:02:56,274 For some 133 00:02:51,603 --> 00:02:56,274 unknown reason, I felt 134 00:02:51,603 --> 00:02:56,274 drawn to Room 110. 135 00:02:56,274 --> 00:03:00,278 As if she knew 136 00:02:56,274 --> 00:03:00,278 that someone very special 137 00:02:56,274 --> 00:03:00,278 was behind that door. 138 00:03:00,278 --> 00:03:06,326 And, as fate 139 00:03:00,278 --> 00:03:06,326 would have it, that 140 00:03:00,278 --> 00:03:06,326 someone was Marshall. 141 00:03:06,326 --> 00:03:08,787 It was love 142 00:03:06,326 --> 00:03:08,787 at first sight. 143 00:03:08,787 --> 00:03:10,080 Hi. 144 00:03:08,787 --> 00:03:10,080 Hi. 145 00:03:10,998 --> 00:03:12,082 Aw! 146 00:03:12,082 --> 00:03:14,459 I know, right? 147 00:03:14,459 --> 00:03:17,253 Now, they've 148 00:03:14,459 --> 00:03:17,253 perfected that story 149 00:03:14,459 --> 00:03:17,253 over hundreds of tellings. 150 00:03:17,253 --> 00:03:20,924 The first time 151 00:03:17,253 --> 00:03:20,924 Marshall told it to me, 152 00:03:17,253 --> 00:03:20,924 it was a little different. 153 00:03:20,924 --> 00:03:23,093 Dude, this black-haired 154 00:03:20,924 --> 00:03:23,093 goth chick 155 00:03:20,924 --> 00:03:23,093 stopped by today. 156 00:03:23,093 --> 00:03:24,761 Want to tap it. 157 00:03:26,722 --> 00:03:29,140 You guys are so lucky. 158 00:03:29,140 --> 00:03:32,477 You know, when Ted and I 159 00:03:29,140 --> 00:03:32,477 were cooking and our hands 160 00:03:29,140 --> 00:03:32,477 touched for the first time, 161 00:03:32,477 --> 00:03:35,271 I knew right then 162 00:03:32,477 --> 00:03:35,271 that after class he would 163 00:03:32,477 --> 00:03:35,271 take me up on the roof, 164 00:03:35,271 --> 00:03:37,440 kiss me 165 00:03:35,271 --> 00:03:37,440 and give me a rose. 166 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,734 Which he did! 167 00:03:39,693 --> 00:03:40,944 Say "aw." 168 00:03:40,944 --> 00:03:43,613 Aw... 169 00:03:43,613 --> 00:03:45,323 I know, right? 170 00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:46,783 I'll get the next round, 171 00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:46,783 okay, guys? 172 00:03:46,783 --> 00:03:48,159 Okay. 173 00:03:52,039 --> 00:03:55,291 Anybody'd be stressed out 174 00:03:52,039 --> 00:03:55,291 meeting new people. 175 00:03:55,291 --> 00:03:56,835 She's not crazy. 176 00:03:56,835 --> 00:03:59,755 Crazy-generous maybe, 177 00:03:56,835 --> 00:03:59,755 buying us drinks. 178 00:03:59,755 --> 00:04:01,131 Shut up. 179 00:04:04,551 --> 00:04:07,012 So, we know how 180 00:04:04,551 --> 00:04:07,012 Marshall and Lily met. 181 00:04:07,012 --> 00:04:10,015 Robin, how did you 182 00:04:07,012 --> 00:04:10,015 and Barney meet? 183 00:04:10,015 --> 00:04:11,307 No. 184 00:04:11,307 --> 00:04:13,685 No, no, no, no. 185 00:04:13,685 --> 00:04:17,773 No, no, no, no. 186 00:04:13,685 --> 00:04:17,773 No, no, no, no. 187 00:04:17,773 --> 00:04:22,027 No. Barney and I 188 00:04:17,773 --> 00:04:22,027 are not together. 189 00:04:17,773 --> 00:04:22,027 No. No. 190 00:04:22,027 --> 00:04:24,780 Really? 191 00:04:22,027 --> 00:04:24,780 Sixteen no's, really? 192 00:04:25,739 --> 00:04:27,824 So you're single? 193 00:04:25,739 --> 00:04:27,824 Yeah. 194 00:04:27,824 --> 00:04:29,200 Hmm. Oh. 195 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,870 So, pretty and single 196 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,870 and friends with Ted. 197 00:04:32,788 --> 00:04:33,997 Great. 198 00:04:36,583 --> 00:04:39,002 You know who else 199 00:04:36,583 --> 00:04:39,002 is friends with Ted? 200 00:04:36,583 --> 00:04:39,002 Marshall. 201 00:04:39,002 --> 00:04:40,796 How did we meet? 202 00:04:39,002 --> 00:04:40,796 It was a good story. 203 00:04:40,796 --> 00:04:42,380 I'm going to tell it, 204 00:04:40,796 --> 00:04:42,380 right now. 205 00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:44,591 It was the first day 206 00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:44,591 of college. 207 00:04:44,591 --> 00:04:47,052 Kids, 208 00:04:44,591 --> 00:04:47,052 to understand this story, 209 00:04:44,591 --> 00:04:47,052 you need to know 210 00:04:47,052 --> 00:04:49,930 that your uncle Marshall 211 00:04:47,052 --> 00:04:49,930 was doing something 212 00:04:47,052 --> 00:04:49,930 that lots of college kids do. 213 00:04:49,930 --> 00:04:51,264 How do I say this? 214 00:04:51,264 --> 00:04:53,725 He was... 215 00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:55,852 Let's say, 216 00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:55,852 eating a sandwich. 217 00:04:59,106 --> 00:05:02,859 Dude, I heard 218 00:04:59,106 --> 00:05:02,859 the dean is coming. 219 00:04:59,106 --> 00:05:02,859 Put out your sandwich. 220 00:05:08,865 --> 00:05:10,033 Hey. 221 00:05:12,035 --> 00:05:15,622 Good afternoon, sir. 222 00:05:12,035 --> 00:05:15,622 I'm Marshall Eriksen. 223 00:05:15,622 --> 00:05:18,583 Sir? No, please, 224 00:05:15,622 --> 00:05:18,583 just call me Ted. 225 00:05:18,583 --> 00:05:20,794 Okay, Dean Ted. 226 00:05:22,212 --> 00:05:25,132 Whoa, someone's been 227 00:05:22,212 --> 00:05:25,132 eating a sandwich. 228 00:05:25,132 --> 00:05:27,759 What? No. Really? 229 00:05:27,759 --> 00:05:31,138 I don't know because 230 00:05:27,759 --> 00:05:31,138 I don't even know 231 00:05:27,759 --> 00:05:31,138 what sandwiches smell like. 232 00:05:31,138 --> 00:05:35,642 My parents are gonna donate 233 00:05:31,138 --> 00:05:35,642 a lot of money to this school. 234 00:05:35,642 --> 00:05:37,936 So, you're bottom bunk? 235 00:05:35,642 --> 00:05:37,936 That's cool. 236 00:05:37,936 --> 00:05:40,105 I wanted 237 00:05:37,936 --> 00:05:40,105 the top bunk anyway. 238 00:05:40,105 --> 00:05:42,191 What do you mean? 239 00:05:42,191 --> 00:05:44,109 I'm your new roommate. 240 00:05:45,027 --> 00:05:46,820 This is so unfair. 241 00:05:48,488 --> 00:05:50,907 I didn't realize 242 00:05:48,488 --> 00:05:50,907 Ted wasn't the dean 243 00:05:48,488 --> 00:05:50,907 until later that night. 244 00:05:56,788 --> 00:05:58,665 You're not the dean. 245 00:06:01,168 --> 00:06:02,836 College, good times. 246 00:06:02,836 --> 00:06:05,338 Oh, I get it. 247 00:06:02,836 --> 00:06:05,338 Ted told you I didn't 248 00:06:02,836 --> 00:06:05,338 go to college, 249 00:06:05,338 --> 00:06:08,175 so now you're giving me 250 00:06:05,338 --> 00:06:08,175 a cute little 251 00:06:05,338 --> 00:06:08,175 backhanded slap. 252 00:06:08,175 --> 00:06:10,093 Oh, here we go. 253 00:06:10,093 --> 00:06:13,763 Well, while you were busy 254 00:06:10,093 --> 00:06:13,763 majoring in being 255 00:06:10,093 --> 00:06:13,763 freaking beautiful, 256 00:06:13,763 --> 00:06:15,974 I was starting 257 00:06:13,763 --> 00:06:15,974 my own line of handbags. 258 00:06:15,974 --> 00:06:18,935 Your own line 259 00:06:15,974 --> 00:06:18,935 of handbags? 260 00:06:15,974 --> 00:06:18,935 That's crazy. 261 00:06:18,935 --> 00:06:20,478 These have sold in Japan. 262 00:06:20,478 --> 00:06:23,690 Robin, have you ever 263 00:06:20,478 --> 00:06:23,690 sold anything in Japan? 264 00:06:23,690 --> 00:06:26,735 No. But I would love to 265 00:06:23,690 --> 00:06:26,735 buy one of them if... 266 00:06:26,735 --> 00:06:28,611 Where can I get one? 267 00:06:28,611 --> 00:06:29,779 I don't have 268 00:06:28,611 --> 00:06:29,779 a distributor here yet, 269 00:06:29,779 --> 00:06:31,489 but thanks 270 00:06:29,779 --> 00:06:31,489 for rubbing that in. 271 00:06:31,489 --> 00:06:34,117 Why are you trying to 272 00:06:31,489 --> 00:06:34,117 undermine me 273 00:06:31,489 --> 00:06:34,117 in front of Ted? 274 00:06:34,117 --> 00:06:36,828 Look, there's nothing going on 275 00:06:34,117 --> 00:06:36,828 between me and Ted. 276 00:06:36,828 --> 00:06:39,164 Wow, that just came out 277 00:06:36,828 --> 00:06:39,164 of nowhere. 278 00:06:39,164 --> 00:06:41,791 No, I'm just saying 279 00:06:39,164 --> 00:06:41,791 that you have 280 00:06:39,164 --> 00:06:41,791 nothing to worry about. 281 00:06:41,791 --> 00:06:43,752 I wasn't worried. 282 00:06:41,791 --> 00:06:43,752 Are you saying I should be? 283 00:06:43,752 --> 00:06:45,628 No, I'm saying that 284 00:06:43,752 --> 00:06:45,628 you shouldn't be. 285 00:06:45,628 --> 00:06:48,757 Good, 'cause I'm not. 286 00:06:45,628 --> 00:06:48,757 Now, Robin, 287 00:06:45,628 --> 00:06:48,757 can you just let it go? 288 00:06:48,757 --> 00:06:51,676 You're making all of us 289 00:06:48,757 --> 00:06:51,676 really uncomfortable. 290 00:06:51,676 --> 00:06:54,137 You know what else 291 00:06:51,676 --> 00:06:54,137 is a good story? 292 00:06:51,676 --> 00:06:54,137 How Barney and I met. 293 00:06:54,137 --> 00:06:57,599 Barney, tell that story, 294 00:06:54,137 --> 00:06:57,599 right now, please. 295 00:06:57,599 --> 00:07:02,020 Okay, Ted. 296 00:06:57,599 --> 00:07:02,020 This is a crazy story. 297 00:06:57,599 --> 00:07:02,020 You're going to love it. 298 00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:04,189 Tonight's the first time 299 00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:04,189 I'm taking 300 00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:04,189 my deaf brother out 301 00:07:04,189 --> 00:07:06,691 since our mom died. 302 00:07:06,691 --> 00:07:08,068 Oh. I'm sorry 303 00:07:06,691 --> 00:07:08,068 about that. 304 00:07:08,068 --> 00:07:09,778 No, that's okay. 305 00:07:09,778 --> 00:07:12,322 I have to take care 306 00:07:09,778 --> 00:07:12,322 of him now. 307 00:07:12,322 --> 00:07:17,077 Of course, I have had to 308 00:07:12,322 --> 00:07:17,077 put my dreams on hold 309 00:07:12,322 --> 00:07:17,077 in order to do it, 310 00:07:18,078 --> 00:07:20,205 but I'm happy to. 311 00:07:20,205 --> 00:07:22,498 He's my brother 312 00:07:20,205 --> 00:07:22,498 and I love him. 313 00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:26,669 I'm sorry, it's all 314 00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:26,669 still so fresh. 315 00:07:26,669 --> 00:07:28,922 Well, man, 316 00:07:26,669 --> 00:07:28,922 I'm really sorry. 317 00:07:31,049 --> 00:07:32,634 Wow, you bought that? 318 00:07:32,634 --> 00:07:33,969 What? 319 00:07:33,969 --> 00:07:35,804 I just made that up 320 00:07:33,969 --> 00:07:35,804 in mid-pee. 321 00:07:35,804 --> 00:07:37,430 If it worked on you, 322 00:07:35,804 --> 00:07:37,430 it's definitely 323 00:07:35,804 --> 00:07:37,430 going to work 324 00:07:37,430 --> 00:07:40,016 on the blonde chick 325 00:07:37,430 --> 00:07:40,016 at the end of the bar. 326 00:07:40,016 --> 00:07:42,560 Unless you're a total idiot. 327 00:07:40,016 --> 00:07:42,560 What's your name? 328 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:43,645 Ted. 329 00:07:43,645 --> 00:07:45,105 Are you 330 00:07:43,645 --> 00:07:45,105 a total idiot, Ted? 331 00:07:45,105 --> 00:07:48,066 Well, I'm still having 332 00:07:45,105 --> 00:07:48,066 this conversation, so... 333 00:07:48,066 --> 00:07:49,609 Well played. 334 00:07:51,653 --> 00:07:53,947 I like you, Ted. 335 00:07:53,947 --> 00:07:57,533 Ted, I'm going to 336 00:07:53,947 --> 00:07:57,533 teach you how to live. 337 00:07:57,533 --> 00:07:59,202 Barney. 338 00:07:57,533 --> 00:07:59,202 We met at the urinal. 339 00:07:59,202 --> 00:08:00,954 Oh. Right. Hi. 340 00:08:00,954 --> 00:08:04,124 Lesson one, lose the goatee. 341 00:08:00,954 --> 00:08:04,124 It doesn't go with your suit. 342 00:08:04,124 --> 00:08:05,167 I'm not wearing a suit. 343 00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:06,709 Lesson two, 344 00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:06,709 get a suit. 345 00:08:06,709 --> 00:08:10,005 Suits are cool, 346 00:08:06,709 --> 00:08:10,005 exhibit A. 347 00:08:10,005 --> 00:08:13,300 Lesson three, don't even 348 00:08:10,005 --> 00:08:13,300 think about getting married 349 00:08:10,005 --> 00:08:13,300 till you're 30. 350 00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:16,136 And lesson four, 351 00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:16,136 be totally silent for 352 00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:16,136 the next five minutes. 353 00:08:16,136 --> 00:08:19,306 Hey, Audrey. 354 00:08:16,136 --> 00:08:19,306 This is my deaf brother, 355 00:08:16,136 --> 00:08:19,306 Edward. 356 00:08:20,223 --> 00:08:22,142 Edward! 357 00:08:22,142 --> 00:08:25,478 This is Audrey! 358 00:08:25,478 --> 00:08:28,564 You know, 359 00:08:25,478 --> 00:08:28,564 I actually know 360 00:08:25,478 --> 00:08:28,564 some sign language. 361 00:08:35,655 --> 00:08:39,201 He doesn't sign. 362 00:08:35,655 --> 00:08:39,201 He's embarrassed 363 00:08:35,655 --> 00:08:39,201 by his hands. 364 00:08:39,201 --> 00:08:41,411 They're tiny 365 00:08:39,201 --> 00:08:41,411 and lady-like. 366 00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:50,128 What? You are over 367 00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:50,128 your hand issues. 368 00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:50,128 It's about time. 369 00:09:00,889 --> 00:09:02,682 Here. Call me. 370 00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:11,691 And even though that girl 371 00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:11,691 ended up giving me 372 00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:11,691 a fake number, 373 00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:15,195 I knew that Ted and I 374 00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:15,195 would be each other's 375 00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:15,195 wingmen forever. 376 00:09:15,195 --> 00:09:17,406 Barney, it's time 377 00:09:15,195 --> 00:09:17,406 you knew. 378 00:09:17,406 --> 00:09:19,324 That story actually goes 379 00:09:17,406 --> 00:09:19,324 a little bit differently. 380 00:09:27,707 --> 00:09:29,876 Great. Funny. 381 00:09:29,876 --> 00:09:32,337 God, with a wingman like Ted, 382 00:09:29,876 --> 00:09:32,337 I might need to resort 383 00:09:32,337 --> 00:09:35,090 to meeting someone 384 00:09:32,337 --> 00:09:35,090 in a super-desperate 385 00:09:32,337 --> 00:09:35,090 and lame way, 386 00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:36,716 like online. 387 00:09:39,594 --> 00:09:40,762 Online. 388 00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:43,723 Online. 389 00:09:43,723 --> 00:09:45,225 Oh, my God! 390 00:09:43,723 --> 00:09:45,225 You told them? 391 00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:47,227 Okay, yes, 392 00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:47,227 I told them, 393 00:09:47,227 --> 00:09:50,397 but it's not a big deal. 394 00:09:47,227 --> 00:09:50,397 Lots of people 395 00:09:47,227 --> 00:09:50,397 meet on the Internet. 396 00:09:50,397 --> 00:09:52,690 That whole seeing-a-stranger 397 00:09:50,397 --> 00:09:52,690 across-a-crowded-room thing, 398 00:09:52,690 --> 00:09:54,317 that only happens 399 00:09:52,690 --> 00:09:54,317 in the movies. 400 00:09:54,317 --> 00:09:56,694 Yeah, that never happens. 401 00:09:54,317 --> 00:09:56,694 Wait, except you and Robin. 402 00:09:56,694 --> 00:09:58,280 That's how 403 00:09:56,694 --> 00:09:58,280 you guys met, right? 404 00:10:03,952 --> 00:10:07,372 Wait, you guys dated? 405 00:10:07,372 --> 00:10:10,166 For how long? 406 00:10:07,372 --> 00:10:10,166 A year. 407 00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:13,128 But don't worry, 408 00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:13,128 the relationship 409 00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:13,128 wasn't that good. 410 00:10:13,128 --> 00:10:15,838 By the end, 411 00:10:13,128 --> 00:10:15,838 it was mostly about sex. 412 00:10:15,838 --> 00:10:18,174 Which was not that good. 413 00:10:18,174 --> 00:10:21,177 But I was the problem. 414 00:10:18,174 --> 00:10:21,177 I'd just lie there. 415 00:10:21,177 --> 00:10:23,054 Ted is very good. 416 00:10:23,054 --> 00:10:26,057 I'm sure he will get you 417 00:10:23,054 --> 00:10:26,057 where you need to go. 418 00:10:28,518 --> 00:10:30,228 Can I buy your bags online? 419 00:10:30,228 --> 00:10:33,189 I see what's going on 420 00:10:30,228 --> 00:10:33,189 here, Ted. 421 00:10:33,189 --> 00:10:34,941 I'm just some random girl 422 00:10:33,189 --> 00:10:34,941 to make Robin jealous, 423 00:10:34,941 --> 00:10:36,359 and after 424 00:10:34,941 --> 00:10:36,359 she takes you back, 425 00:10:36,359 --> 00:10:38,236 you probably won't 426 00:10:36,359 --> 00:10:38,236 even remember my name. 427 00:10:38,236 --> 00:10:42,031 Come on, Blahblah, 428 00:10:38,236 --> 00:10:42,031 it's not like that. 429 00:10:42,031 --> 00:10:43,866 Well, we're closing in 430 00:10:42,031 --> 00:10:43,866 on the half. 431 00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:47,203 Let's see how Blahblah 432 00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:47,203 is doing on 433 00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:47,203 the crazy/hot scale. 434 00:10:47,203 --> 00:10:50,165 She started the night here, 435 00:10:47,203 --> 00:10:50,165 but as the night's progressed, 436 00:10:50,165 --> 00:10:52,959 she's gotten crazier 437 00:10:50,165 --> 00:10:52,959 but no hotter, 438 00:10:52,959 --> 00:10:56,587 which has caused her 439 00:10:52,959 --> 00:10:56,587 to drift across 440 00:10:52,959 --> 00:10:56,587 the Mendoza diagonal 441 00:10:56,587 --> 00:10:59,966 and dangerously close 442 00:10:56,587 --> 00:10:59,966 to the 443 00:10:56,587 --> 00:10:59,966 Shelly Gillespie zone. 444 00:10:59,966 --> 00:11:01,801 Another girl I dated. 445 00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:04,720 She gained 20 pounds 446 00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:04,720 and tried to kill me 447 00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:04,720 with a brick. 448 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,556 I'm sorry 449 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,556 I didn't tell you, 450 00:11:06,556 --> 00:11:08,308 but seriously, 451 00:11:06,556 --> 00:11:08,308 there's nothing going on 452 00:11:06,556 --> 00:11:08,308 with me and Robin. 453 00:11:08,308 --> 00:11:11,102 Then why has she been 454 00:11:08,308 --> 00:11:11,102 trying to undermine me 455 00:11:08,308 --> 00:11:11,102 all night? 456 00:11:11,102 --> 00:11:14,314 I mean, look at her, 457 00:11:11,102 --> 00:11:14,314 she's laughing at me 458 00:11:11,102 --> 00:11:14,314 right now. 459 00:11:17,192 --> 00:11:19,068 I'm sorry, it's just, 460 00:11:19,068 --> 00:11:21,946 you know, 461 00:11:19,068 --> 00:11:21,946 Lily and Marshall's story 462 00:11:19,068 --> 00:11:21,946 is so romantic. 463 00:11:21,946 --> 00:11:24,157 I just wish we had 464 00:11:21,946 --> 00:11:24,157 something like that. 465 00:11:24,157 --> 00:11:26,493 Their story's not 466 00:11:24,157 --> 00:11:26,493 as magical as it seems. 467 00:11:26,493 --> 00:11:28,161 What do you mean? 468 00:11:28,161 --> 00:11:31,206 No, I can't. 469 00:11:28,161 --> 00:11:31,206 It's kind of a secret. 470 00:11:31,206 --> 00:11:34,000 Well, how about 471 00:11:31,206 --> 00:11:34,000 I tell you a little secret 472 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,919 about what you might 473 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,919 get to do later tonight? 474 00:11:43,009 --> 00:11:45,011 The night before 475 00:11:43,009 --> 00:11:45,011 Lily met Marshall, 476 00:11:43,009 --> 00:11:45,011 there was this party... 477 00:11:51,184 --> 00:11:54,521 Hey, you a fresh woman? 478 00:11:51,184 --> 00:11:54,521 I never use 479 00:11:51,184 --> 00:11:54,521 the word freshman. 480 00:11:54,521 --> 00:11:55,938 Sexist. 481 00:11:55,938 --> 00:11:57,815 Yeah, I'm a first year. 482 00:11:57,815 --> 00:11:59,317 I'm in Hewitt 220. 483 00:11:59,317 --> 00:12:02,862 No way. Hewitt 110. 484 00:11:59,317 --> 00:12:02,862 You should totally come by. 485 00:12:02,862 --> 00:12:05,281 Maybe I will, Hewitt 110. 486 00:12:05,281 --> 00:12:08,868 Chug, chug, chug, 487 00:12:05,281 --> 00:12:08,868 chug, chug! 488 00:12:15,584 --> 00:12:19,754 Look at these drunk idiots. 489 00:12:15,584 --> 00:12:19,754 Hey, don't drink 490 00:12:15,584 --> 00:12:19,754 their $2 beer. 491 00:12:19,754 --> 00:12:22,424 This is a pinot noir 492 00:12:19,754 --> 00:12:22,424 from Europe. 493 00:12:27,262 --> 00:12:28,638 It's fruity. 494 00:12:28,638 --> 00:12:30,390 Yeah, I cut it 495 00:12:28,638 --> 00:12:30,390 with some cranberry juice. 496 00:12:30,390 --> 00:12:32,141 It was pretty strong. 497 00:12:33,768 --> 00:12:36,104 So, do you have 498 00:12:33,768 --> 00:12:36,104 a girlfriend? 499 00:12:36,104 --> 00:12:37,813 Yeah. 500 00:12:37,813 --> 00:12:39,982 Not sure about 501 00:12:37,813 --> 00:12:39,982 the whole long distance 502 00:12:37,813 --> 00:12:39,982 thing, though. 503 00:12:39,982 --> 00:12:42,151 It's like Descartes says, 504 00:12:42,151 --> 00:12:45,154 "In order to determine 505 00:12:42,151 --> 00:12:45,154 whether there is anything 506 00:12:42,151 --> 00:12:45,154 we can know with certainty, 507 00:12:45,154 --> 00:12:48,324 "we first have to doubt 508 00:12:45,154 --> 00:12:48,324 everything we know." 509 00:12:48,324 --> 00:12:49,951 You know? 510 00:12:55,706 --> 00:12:58,709 But as drunk as she was, 511 00:12:55,706 --> 00:12:58,709 when she woke up 512 00:12:55,706 --> 00:12:58,709 the next morning, 513 00:12:58,709 --> 00:13:00,420 she still remembered 514 00:12:58,709 --> 00:13:00,420 Room 110. 515 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:02,255 That's why she knocked 516 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:02,255 on the door. 517 00:13:02,255 --> 00:13:03,590 She was looking for me. 518 00:13:03,590 --> 00:13:05,716 Oh, my God. 519 00:13:05,716 --> 00:13:08,177 Yeah, and in all these years, 520 00:13:05,716 --> 00:13:08,177 Lily and I have never 521 00:13:05,716 --> 00:13:08,177 even spoken about it, 522 00:13:08,177 --> 00:13:10,138 so again, 523 00:13:08,177 --> 00:13:10,138 mum's the word, okay? 524 00:13:10,138 --> 00:13:12,390 You have to 525 00:13:10,138 --> 00:13:12,390 tell Marshall. 526 00:13:12,390 --> 00:13:15,935 No, if he heard that, 527 00:13:12,390 --> 00:13:15,935 it would destroy him. 528 00:13:15,935 --> 00:13:20,022 If you don't tell him, 529 00:13:15,935 --> 00:13:20,022 I will. 530 00:13:20,022 --> 00:13:22,066 Come on, you wouldn't. 531 00:13:23,652 --> 00:13:24,944 Oh, no. 532 00:13:29,824 --> 00:13:32,535 So, Lily, how did 533 00:13:29,824 --> 00:13:32,535 you and Ted meet? 534 00:13:32,535 --> 00:13:33,995 Come on, Lily, 535 00:13:32,535 --> 00:13:33,995 the real story. 536 00:13:33,995 --> 00:13:36,080 I don't think anyone 537 00:13:33,995 --> 00:13:36,080 wants to hear that story. 538 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,834 Don't be embarrassed, Ted. 539 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,834 It was a long time ago. 540 00:13:39,834 --> 00:13:42,378 I made a huge mistake 541 00:13:39,834 --> 00:13:42,378 last night, 542 00:13:42,378 --> 00:13:44,506 but it's like 543 00:13:42,378 --> 00:13:44,506 Descartes says, 544 00:13:44,506 --> 00:13:47,008 "In order to determine 545 00:13:44,506 --> 00:13:47,008 whether there is anything 546 00:13:44,506 --> 00:13:47,008 we can know with certainty, 547 00:13:47,008 --> 00:13:50,886 "we first have to doubt 548 00:13:47,008 --> 00:13:50,886 everything we know." 549 00:13:50,886 --> 00:13:54,849 And I now know for certain 550 00:13:50,886 --> 00:13:54,849 that I love you, Karen. 551 00:13:54,849 --> 00:13:57,602 Anyway, call me back 552 00:13:54,849 --> 00:13:57,602 when you get this. 553 00:13:57,602 --> 00:14:01,939 I'm also going down to 554 00:13:57,602 --> 00:14:01,939 the computer center to 555 00:13:57,602 --> 00:14:01,939 send you an electronic mail. 556 00:14:03,733 --> 00:14:06,528 Ted. This is Lily. 557 00:14:06,528 --> 00:14:10,823 No. No, I'm sorry, 558 00:14:06,528 --> 00:14:10,823 but I love Karen. 559 00:14:10,823 --> 00:14:13,868 Yes, that is 560 00:14:10,823 --> 00:14:13,868 the unabridged story 561 00:14:10,823 --> 00:14:13,868 of how Lily and I met. 562 00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:14,910 How embarrassing. 563 00:14:14,910 --> 00:14:16,245 Who wants another round? 564 00:14:16,245 --> 00:14:17,455 That's not the story. 565 00:14:16,245 --> 00:14:17,455 Ted, tell them. 566 00:14:17,455 --> 00:14:18,831 Tell us what? 567 00:14:18,831 --> 00:14:22,043 Lily, will you help us 568 00:14:18,831 --> 00:14:22,043 get the next round? 569 00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:23,586 Ted, what's going on? 570 00:14:23,586 --> 00:14:26,756 She knows about us, 571 00:14:23,586 --> 00:14:26,756 about how we really met. 572 00:14:26,756 --> 00:14:28,550 Yeah, I know, 573 00:14:26,756 --> 00:14:28,550 I just told her. 574 00:14:28,550 --> 00:14:31,177 No, the real story. 575 00:14:31,177 --> 00:14:33,179 Ted, what are you 576 00:14:31,177 --> 00:14:33,179 talking about? 577 00:14:33,179 --> 00:14:35,931 Lily, come on. 578 00:14:35,931 --> 00:14:37,517 Come on, what? 579 00:14:37,517 --> 00:14:41,062 Lily, come on. 580 00:14:41,062 --> 00:14:43,398 Ted, I honestly don't know 581 00:14:41,062 --> 00:14:43,398 what you're talking about. 582 00:14:43,398 --> 00:14:46,067 Lily, come on. 583 00:14:47,443 --> 00:14:49,153 I know that 584 00:14:47,443 --> 00:14:49,153 you and Ted made out 585 00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:51,072 the night before 586 00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:51,072 you met Marshall. 587 00:14:51,072 --> 00:14:52,323 What? 588 00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:54,075 Ted and I 589 00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:54,075 never made out. 590 00:14:54,075 --> 00:14:55,826 Yeah, we did. 591 00:14:55,826 --> 00:14:57,828 I only made out 592 00:14:55,826 --> 00:14:57,828 with one other guy 593 00:14:55,826 --> 00:14:57,828 in college 594 00:14:57,828 --> 00:14:59,205 before I met Marshall, 595 00:14:59,205 --> 00:15:01,082 and it was just 596 00:14:59,205 --> 00:15:01,082 some random dude. 597 00:15:01,082 --> 00:15:03,042 I don't even 598 00:15:01,082 --> 00:15:03,042 remember his name. 599 00:15:03,042 --> 00:15:04,960 I just call him 600 00:15:03,042 --> 00:15:04,960 too-much-tongue guy. 601 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,046 What? 602 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,046 Too-much-tongue guy? 603 00:15:07,046 --> 00:15:08,464 Well, I'm not surprised 604 00:15:07,046 --> 00:15:08,464 to hear that coming from 605 00:15:08,464 --> 00:15:11,008 unreasonably-small-mouth- 606 00:15:08,464 --> 00:15:11,008 opening girl. 607 00:15:11,008 --> 00:15:12,552 That wasn't me. 608 00:15:12,552 --> 00:15:14,512 Yes, it was, 609 00:15:12,552 --> 00:15:14,512 at the freshman 610 00:15:12,552 --> 00:15:14,512 orientation party. 611 00:15:14,512 --> 00:15:17,139 No, no, no, no. 612 00:15:17,139 --> 00:15:18,516 No, no. 613 00:15:18,516 --> 00:15:21,686 No, no, no, no, no, no! 614 00:15:22,604 --> 00:15:24,021 How much fun is this? 615 00:15:24,021 --> 00:15:26,691 All of us reminiscing 616 00:15:24,021 --> 00:15:26,691 about how we met me? 617 00:15:26,691 --> 00:15:29,611 Robin, have I told you 618 00:15:26,691 --> 00:15:29,611 how I met Marshall? 619 00:15:29,611 --> 00:15:30,945 Yeah, like five 620 00:15:29,611 --> 00:15:30,945 or six times... 621 00:15:30,945 --> 00:15:32,739 It was right over there. 622 00:15:32,739 --> 00:15:35,700 Here's your problem, 623 00:15:32,739 --> 00:15:35,700 you've only slept 624 00:15:32,739 --> 00:15:35,700 with one woman. 625 00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:38,035 Those kind of stats 626 00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:38,035 are only okay 627 00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:38,035 if you're 11. 628 00:15:38,035 --> 00:15:41,456 But tonight, 629 00:15:38,035 --> 00:15:41,456 we're getting you 630 00:15:38,035 --> 00:15:41,456 a new girl, 631 00:15:41,456 --> 00:15:44,333 because, Marshall Eriksen, 632 00:15:41,456 --> 00:15:44,333 from this moment on, 633 00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:47,670 I make all your decisions 634 00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:47,670 for you. 635 00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:50,881 I'm sorry, 636 00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:50,881 who are you again? 637 00:15:50,881 --> 00:15:54,093 This is Barney. 638 00:15:50,881 --> 00:15:54,093 I met him the other day. 639 00:15:50,881 --> 00:15:54,093 He's kind of a jackass. 640 00:15:54,093 --> 00:15:55,886 I'm teaching Ted 641 00:15:54,093 --> 00:15:55,886 how to live. 642 00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:58,598 And, lucky you, 643 00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:58,598 I have room 644 00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:58,598 for one more student. 645 00:15:58,598 --> 00:16:00,600 Think of me as Yoda. 646 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,687 Only instead of being 647 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,687 little and green, 648 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,687 I wear suits and I'm awesome. 649 00:16:04,687 --> 00:16:07,523 I'm your bro. I'm Broda. 650 00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:10,109 And tonight, 651 00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:10,109 you're going to 652 00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:10,109 use the Force 653 00:16:10,109 --> 00:16:12,987 to get the hottest chick 654 00:16:10,109 --> 00:16:12,987 in this bar into bed. 655 00:16:12,987 --> 00:16:16,991 He's going to use force? 656 00:16:12,987 --> 00:16:16,991 'Cause that 657 00:16:12,987 --> 00:16:16,991 sounds wrong, Broda. 658 00:16:16,991 --> 00:16:18,660 No, the Force. 659 00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,662 It's a Star Wars reference. 660 00:16:20,662 --> 00:16:22,413 So we should make lots of 661 00:16:20,662 --> 00:16:22,413 Star Wars 662 00:16:20,662 --> 00:16:22,413 references around girls, 663 00:16:22,413 --> 00:16:23,706 that's what you're saying? 664 00:16:23,706 --> 00:16:25,875 I'm not gonna 665 00:16:23,706 --> 00:16:25,875 cheat on my girlfriend. 666 00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:29,504 Yes, you are, with the hottie 667 00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:29,504 that just walked in. 668 00:16:29,504 --> 00:16:30,921 Look at her. 669 00:16:30,921 --> 00:16:33,924 How much hotter is she 670 00:16:30,921 --> 00:16:33,924 than your girlfriend? 671 00:16:35,384 --> 00:16:38,137 There's no comparison. 672 00:16:35,384 --> 00:16:38,137 What do you think, Ted? 673 00:16:38,137 --> 00:16:39,764 No. 674 00:16:38,137 --> 00:16:39,764 Should I go for it? 675 00:16:39,764 --> 00:16:42,684 Don't do it, man. 676 00:16:39,764 --> 00:16:42,684 I mean, think about Lily. 677 00:16:42,684 --> 00:16:46,020 You know what? I don't care. 678 00:16:42,684 --> 00:16:46,020 I've been with 679 00:16:42,684 --> 00:16:46,020 one woman for too long. 680 00:16:46,020 --> 00:16:48,063 I need me some strange. 681 00:16:48,063 --> 00:16:50,232 Yes, yes. Pep talk. 682 00:16:51,192 --> 00:16:52,861 You can do this, 683 00:16:52,861 --> 00:16:56,030 but to be more accurate, 684 00:16:52,861 --> 00:16:56,030 you probably can't. 685 00:16:56,030 --> 00:16:58,741 You're way out of practice, 686 00:16:56,030 --> 00:16:58,741 and she is 687 00:16:56,030 --> 00:16:58,741 way too hot for you. 688 00:16:58,741 --> 00:17:01,786 So, remember, 689 00:16:58,741 --> 00:17:01,786 tonight isn't about scoring, 690 00:17:01,786 --> 00:17:04,873 it's about believing 691 00:17:01,786 --> 00:17:04,873 that you can do it, 692 00:17:04,873 --> 00:17:07,667 even though 693 00:17:04,873 --> 00:17:07,667 you probably can't. 694 00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:09,627 Go get them, tiger. 695 00:17:18,135 --> 00:17:20,680 Poor guy's going to 696 00:17:18,135 --> 00:17:20,680 crash and burn. 697 00:17:24,099 --> 00:17:26,561 That man is a god. 698 00:17:27,896 --> 00:17:30,398 For like a week after, 699 00:17:27,896 --> 00:17:30,398 Barney followed me around 700 00:17:30,398 --> 00:17:32,316 asking me to teach him 701 00:17:30,398 --> 00:17:32,316 how to live. 702 00:17:32,316 --> 00:17:34,569 I even got him 703 00:17:32,316 --> 00:17:34,569 to do my laundry once. 704 00:17:34,569 --> 00:17:37,739 I thought it was 705 00:17:34,569 --> 00:17:37,739 a Mr. Miyagi 706 00:17:34,569 --> 00:17:37,739 kind of thing. 707 00:17:37,739 --> 00:17:39,407 Marshall, I need to 708 00:17:37,739 --> 00:17:39,407 talk to you. 709 00:17:39,407 --> 00:17:40,658 Can we go somewhere 710 00:17:39,407 --> 00:17:40,658 in private? 711 00:17:40,658 --> 00:17:42,577 Yeah, of course. 712 00:17:40,658 --> 00:17:42,577 What's wrong? 713 00:17:42,577 --> 00:17:43,870 Lily and Ted made out. 714 00:17:43,870 --> 00:17:46,664 What do you think 715 00:17:43,870 --> 00:17:46,664 of that, Robin? 716 00:17:46,664 --> 00:17:47,874 What are you talking about? 717 00:17:47,874 --> 00:17:49,709 You know that guy 718 00:17:47,874 --> 00:17:49,709 I made out with 719 00:17:49,709 --> 00:17:51,586 at the freshman 720 00:17:49,709 --> 00:17:51,586 orientation party? 721 00:17:51,586 --> 00:17:53,629 Too-much-tongue guy? Yeah. 722 00:17:53,629 --> 00:17:56,716 And you know that girl 723 00:17:53,629 --> 00:17:56,716 I made out with at the 724 00:17:53,629 --> 00:17:56,716 freshman orientation party? 725 00:17:56,716 --> 00:17:59,427 Unreasonably-small-mouth- 726 00:17:56,716 --> 00:17:59,427 opening girl? Yeah. 727 00:17:59,427 --> 00:18:01,011 I'm too-much-tongue guy. 728 00:18:01,011 --> 00:18:03,806 And I'm 729 00:18:01,011 --> 00:18:03,806 unreasonably-small-mouth- 730 00:18:01,011 --> 00:18:03,806 opening girl. 731 00:18:03,806 --> 00:18:06,141 Worst superheroes ever. 732 00:18:06,141 --> 00:18:08,895 Baby, I am so sorry. 733 00:18:08,895 --> 00:18:11,188 I don't think you need to be. 734 00:18:08,895 --> 00:18:11,188 I was at that party. 735 00:18:11,188 --> 00:18:12,857 It was dark, and granted, 736 00:18:12,857 --> 00:18:16,861 I had eaten 737 00:18:12,857 --> 00:18:16,861 quite a few sandwiches, 738 00:18:12,857 --> 00:18:16,861 but I'm 100% sure that 739 00:18:16,861 --> 00:18:20,656 unreasonably-small-mouth- 740 00:18:16,861 --> 00:18:20,656 opening girl was 741 00:18:16,861 --> 00:18:20,656 Alexa Leskeys, not Lily. 742 00:18:20,656 --> 00:18:22,700 Really? 743 00:18:20,656 --> 00:18:22,700 Yeah, I'm positive. 744 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,661 And too-much-tongue guy 745 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,661 was Colin O'Reilly. 746 00:18:25,661 --> 00:18:27,413 Are you sure? 747 00:18:27,413 --> 00:18:30,625 If it wasn't, 748 00:18:27,413 --> 00:18:30,625 I peed in the wrong guy's 749 00:18:27,413 --> 00:18:30,625 shampoo, man. 750 00:18:33,002 --> 00:18:36,923 You don't really 751 00:18:33,002 --> 00:18:36,923 believe that, do you? 752 00:18:33,002 --> 00:18:36,923 You swore it was Lily. 753 00:18:39,091 --> 00:18:42,428 I guess I made a mistake. 754 00:18:39,091 --> 00:18:42,428 Must have been Alexa. 755 00:18:44,013 --> 00:18:48,100 Another girl, Ted? 756 00:18:44,013 --> 00:18:48,100 Who haven't 757 00:18:44,013 --> 00:18:48,100 you made out with? 758 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:49,685 You know what? 759 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:49,685 I don't need this. 760 00:18:49,685 --> 00:18:51,771 I design handbags. 761 00:18:49,685 --> 00:18:51,771 I'm writing a memoir. 762 00:18:51,771 --> 00:18:54,189 I'm a superstar. 763 00:18:51,771 --> 00:18:54,189 This is totally my year. 764 00:18:54,189 --> 00:18:56,985 Someday the name Blahblah 765 00:18:54,189 --> 00:18:56,985 will be up in lights. 766 00:18:56,985 --> 00:18:59,946 And, Ted, next time 767 00:18:56,985 --> 00:18:59,946 you're online 768 00:18:56,985 --> 00:18:59,946 playing World of Warcraft, 769 00:18:59,946 --> 00:19:02,865 don't even think 770 00:18:59,946 --> 00:19:02,865 about chatting with me. 771 00:19:06,201 --> 00:19:08,746 World of Warcraft? 772 00:19:08,746 --> 00:19:10,790 The online 773 00:19:08,746 --> 00:19:10,790 role-playing game? 774 00:19:10,790 --> 00:19:13,918 That's how 775 00:19:10,790 --> 00:19:13,918 you two met online? 776 00:19:26,263 --> 00:19:28,933 Yeah, it's a really... 777 00:19:26,263 --> 00:19:28,933 It's a cool game. 778 00:19:28,933 --> 00:19:30,685 So, suffice it to say, 779 00:19:30,685 --> 00:19:32,812 Blahblah did not turn out 780 00:19:30,685 --> 00:19:32,812 to be your mother. 781 00:19:32,812 --> 00:19:34,939 As for the girl 782 00:19:32,812 --> 00:19:34,939 I made out with 783 00:19:32,812 --> 00:19:34,939 at the party, 784 00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:36,482 there wasn't a doubt 785 00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:36,482 in my mind, 786 00:19:36,482 --> 00:19:38,818 that was your Aunt Lily. 787 00:19:38,818 --> 00:19:41,904 But, you know, 788 00:19:38,818 --> 00:19:41,904 that magical story of how 789 00:19:38,818 --> 00:19:41,904 she and uncle Marshall met, 790 00:19:41,904 --> 00:19:44,991 it was worth preserving, 791 00:19:41,904 --> 00:19:44,991 so I kept my mouth shut. 792 00:19:44,991 --> 00:19:48,577 I guess I made a mistake. 793 00:19:44,991 --> 00:19:48,577 Must have been Alexa. 794 00:19:48,577 --> 00:19:51,580 Until our 20th college reunion 795 00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:55,167 when I ran into 796 00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:55,167 Alexa Leskeys. 797 00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:58,754 So, Ted, 798 00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:58,754 remember the last time 799 00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:58,754 we were here? 800 00:20:00,048 --> 00:20:02,257 You and me? No idea. 801 00:20:02,257 --> 00:20:04,343 Ted, come on. 802 00:20:05,887 --> 00:20:08,305 Freshman year, 803 00:20:05,887 --> 00:20:08,305 we were both pretty drunk? 804 00:20:16,105 --> 00:20:17,690 That was you? 805 00:20:18,649 --> 00:20:20,985 Lily, we never made out. 806 00:20:20,985 --> 00:20:22,361 I know. 807 00:20:22,361 --> 00:20:24,072 So I am not 808 00:20:22,361 --> 00:20:24,072 too-much-tongue guy. 809 00:20:24,989 --> 00:20:26,448 Actually... 810 00:20:26,448 --> 00:20:27,742 No. 811 00:20:33,163 --> 00:20:36,166 Look what I've confiscated 812 00:20:33,163 --> 00:20:36,166 from some kids. 813 00:20:37,501 --> 00:20:39,628 That is a fat sandwich. 814 00:20:39,628 --> 00:20:40,713 I know, right? 815 00:20:47,511 --> 00:20:51,933 Chew, chew, chew, 816 00:20:47,511 --> 00:20:51,933 chew, swallow. 817 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:57,688 That's all right, honey. 818 00:20:57,688 --> 00:21:00,190 Sandwiches are 819 00:20:57,688 --> 00:21:00,190 strong these days. 820 00:21:00,190 --> 00:21:01,483 I can't believe 821 00:21:00,190 --> 00:21:01,483 I used to be able 822 00:21:01,483 --> 00:21:03,485 to eat a whole sandwich 823 00:21:01,483 --> 00:21:03,485 by myself. 824 00:21:03,485 --> 00:21:06,155 Now it's like two bites 825 00:21:03,485 --> 00:21:06,155 and I am done. 826 00:21:06,155 --> 00:21:09,117 Baby, can we grow sandwiches 827 00:21:06,155 --> 00:21:09,117 behind the garage? 828 00:21:09,117 --> 00:21:10,701 Dude, we're 42. 829 00:21:14,789 --> 00:21:16,290 Where's my wife?