Kids, back in
the fall of 2007,
I was dating
this girl named...
Oh, God, what was her name?
It's been 23 years.
I can't remember
all this stuff.
For the sake of the story,
let's call her...
Everyone, this is
Blahblah.
Please, call me Blah.
Hello!
Blah.
So, Blah, how did
you two meet?
Well, I was taking
this cooking class,
French fusion,
and everyone already
had a partner,
but then I looked up
and across a crowded room,
I saw Ted.
It was magical.
It was so magical.
Except it wasn't.
She's gonna tell
some bogus story about
a cooking class because
she's embarrassed
we met online.
Aye, Chihuahua.
What? What?
There's no stigma
anymore.
Oh, there's a stigma.
That's why people always say,
"There's no stigma anymore."
So, she's hot?
Oh, she's gorgeous.
Then she's crazy.
No, she's not.
Ted, the only hot girls
that troll the Internet
for dudes
are crazy,
hookers or dudes.
Okay, she's not crazy.
She's not a hooker.
She's not a dude.
Though, there's this guy
I pass on my way to work
every day who's all three,
scares the crap
out of me.
There is no way
she is above the line
on the hot/crazy scale.
She's not even
on the hot/crazy scale.
She's just hot.
Wait. Hot/crazy scale?
Let me illustrate.
A girl is allowed to be crazy,
as long as she is equally hot.
Thus, if she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
If she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.
You want the girl
to be above this line,
also known as
the Vickie Mendoza
diagonal.
This girl I dated,
she played jump rope
with that line.
She'd shave her head,
then lose 10 pounds.
She'd stab me with a fork,
then get a boob job.
I should
give her a call.
Okay, so please,
just play along
with her fake story.
We met in
a cooking class.
I don't know, Ted.
I don't know if I can just
play along with your crazy
girlfriend's fake story.
Now, if you had said
fake breasts...
She's not crazy.
Okay. We'll see.
Long story short,
thank goodness
I'm such a bad cook,
or I never would have
met Ted.
Crazy, how cute that is.
It's crazy.
You know who else
has a really cute story
of how they met?
Marshall and Lily.
You guys should
tell that story,
right now.
All right. But,
spoiler alert, it ends
with everyone saying...
Aw...
Aw!
Starts with it, too.
When you've been
a couple as long
as Marshall and Lily,
telling the how-we-met story
becomes a choreographed dance.
It was late August, 1996.
Lily and I were both
freshmen moving into
Hewitt Hall.
And she needed
some help
setting up her stereo.
For some
unknown reason, I felt
drawn to Room 110.
As if she knew
that someone very special
was behind that door.
And, as fate
would have it, that
someone was Marshall.
It was love
at first sight.
Hi.
Aw!
I know, right?
Now, they've
perfected that story
over hundreds of tellings.
The first time
Marshall told it to me,
it was a little different.
Dude, this black-haired
goth chick
stopped by today.
Want to tap it.
You guys are so lucky.
You know, when Ted and I
were cooking and our hands
touched for the first time,
I knew right then
that after class he would
take me up on the roof,
kiss me
and give me a rose.
Which he did!
Say "aw."
Aw...
I know, right?
I'll get the next round,
okay, guys?
Okay.
Anybody'd be stressed out
meeting new people.
She's not crazy.
Crazy-generous maybe,
buying us drinks.
Shut up.
So, we know how
Marshall and Lily met.
Robin, how did you
and Barney meet?
No.
No, no, no, no.
No. Barney and I
are not together.
No. No.
Really?
Sixteen no's, really?
So you're single?
Yeah.
Hmm. Oh.
So, pretty and single
and friends with Ted.
Great.
You know who else
is friends with Ted?
Marshall.
How did we meet?
It was a good story.
I'm going to tell it,
right now.
It was the first day
of college.
Kids,
to understand this story,
you need to know
that your uncle Marshall
was doing something
that lots of college kids do.
How do I say this?
He was...
Let's say,
eating a sandwich.
Dude, I heard
the dean is coming.
Put out your sandwich.
Hey.
Good afternoon, sir.
I'm Marshall Eriksen.
Sir? No, please,
just call me Ted.
Okay, Dean Ted.
Whoa, someone's been
eating a sandwich.
What? No. Really?
I don't know because
I don't even know
what sandwiches smell like.
My parents are gonna donate
a lot of money to this school.
So, you're bottom bunk?
That's cool.
I wanted
the top bunk anyway.
What do you mean?
I'm your new roommate.
This is so unfair.
I didn't realize
Ted wasn't the dean
until later that night.
You're not the dean.
College, good times.
Oh, I get it.
Ted told you I didn't
go to college,
so now you're giving me
a cute little
backhanded slap.
Oh, here we go.
Well, while you were busy
majoring in being
freaking beautiful,
I was starting
my own line of handbags.
Your own line
of handbags?
That's crazy.
These have sold in Japan.
Robin, have you ever
sold anything in Japan?
No. But I would love to
buy one of them if...
Where can I get one?
I don't have
a distributor here yet,
but thanks
for rubbing that in.
Why are you trying to
undermine me
in front of Ted?
Look, there's nothing going on
between me and Ted.
Wow, that just came out
of nowhere.
No, I'm just saying
that you have
nothing to worry about.
I wasn't worried.
Are you saying I should be?
No, I'm saying that
you shouldn't be.
Good, 'cause I'm not.
Now, Robin,
can you just let it go?
You're making all of us
really uncomfortable.
You know what else
is a good story?
How Barney and I met.
Barney, tell that story,
right now, please.
Okay, Ted.
This is a crazy story.
You're going to love it.
Tonight's the first time
I'm taking
my deaf brother out
since our mom died.
Oh. I'm sorry
about that.
No, that's okay.
I have to take care
of him now.
Of course, I have had to
put my dreams on hold
in order to do it,
but I'm happy to.
He's my brother
and I love him.
I'm sorry, it's all
still so fresh.
Well, man,
I'm really sorry.
Wow, you bought that?
What?
I just made that up
in mid-pee.
If it worked on you,
it's definitely
going to work
on the blonde chick
at the end of the bar.
Unless you're a total idiot.
What's your name?
Ted.
Are you
a total idiot, Ted?
Well, I'm still having
this conversation, so...
Well played.
I like you, Ted.
Ted, I'm going to
teach you how to live.
Barney.
We met at the urinal.
Oh. Right. Hi.
Lesson one, lose the goatee.
It doesn't go with your suit.
I'm not wearing a suit.
Lesson two,
get a suit.
Suits are cool,
exhibit A.
Lesson three, don't even
think about getting married
till you're 30.
And lesson four,
be totally silent for
the next five minutes.
Hey, Audrey.
This is my deaf brother,
Edward.
Edward!
This is Audrey!
You know,
I actually know
some sign language.
He doesn't sign.
He's embarrassed
by his hands.
They're tiny
and lady-like.
What? You are over
your hand issues.
It's about time.
Here. Call me.
And even though that girl
ended up giving me
a fake number,
I knew that Ted and I
would be each other's
wingmen forever.
Barney, it's time
you knew.
That story actually goes
a little bit differently.
Great. Funny.
God, with a wingman like Ted,
I might need to resort
to meeting someone
in a super-desperate
and lame way,
like online.
Online.
Oh, my God!
You told them?
Okay, yes,
I told them,
but it's not a big deal.
Lots of people
meet on the Internet.
That whole seeing-a-stranger
across-a-crowded-room thing,
that only happens
in the movies.
Yeah, that never happens.
Wait, except you and Robin.
That's how
you guys met, right?
Wait, you guys dated?
For how long?
A year.
But don't worry,
the relationship
wasn't that good.
By the end,
it was mostly about sex.
Which was not that good.
But I was the problem.
I'd just lie there.
Ted is very good.
I'm sure he will get you
where you need to go.
Can I buy your bags online?
I see what's going on
here, Ted.
I'm just some random girl
to make Robin jealous,
and after
she takes you back,
you probably won't
even remember my name.
Come on, Blahblah,
it's not like that.
Well, we're closing in
on the half.
Let's see how Blahblah
is doing on
the crazy/hot scale.
She started the night here,
but as the night's progressed,
she's gotten crazier
but no hotter,
which has caused her
to drift across
the Mendoza diagonal
and dangerously close
to the
Shelly Gillespie zone.
Another girl I dated.
She gained 20 pounds
and tried to kill me
with a brick.
I'm sorry
I didn't tell you,
but seriously,
there's nothing going on
with me and Robin.
Then why has she been
trying to undermine me
all night?
I mean, look at her,
she's laughing at me
right now.
I'm sorry, it's just,
you know,
Lily and Marshall's story
is so romantic.
I just wish we had
something like that.
Their story's not
as magical as it seems.
What do you mean?
No, I can't.
It's kind of a secret.
Well, how about
I tell you a little secret
about what you might
get to do later tonight?
The night before
Lily met Marshall,
there was this party...
Hey, you a fresh woman?
I never use
the word freshman.
Sexist.
Yeah, I'm a first year.
I'm in Hewitt 220.
No way. Hewitt 110.
You should totally come by.
Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug!
Look at these drunk idiots.
Hey, don't drink
their $2 beer.
This is a pinot noir
from Europe.
It's fruity.
Yeah, I cut it
with some cranberry juice.
It was pretty strong.
So, do you have
a girlfriend?
Yeah.
Not sure about
the whole long distance
thing, though.
It's like Descartes says,
"In order to determine
whether there is anything
we can know with certainty,
"we first have to doubt
everything we know."
You know?
But as drunk as she was,
when she woke up
the next morning,
she still remembered
Room 110.
That's why she knocked
on the door.
She was looking for me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, and in all these years,
Lily and I have never
even spoken about it,
so again,
mum's the word, okay?
You have to
tell Marshall.
No, if he heard that,
it would destroy him.
If you don't tell him,
I will.
Come on, you wouldn't.
Oh, no.
So, Lily, how did
you and Ted meet?
Come on, Lily,
the real story.
I don't think anyone
wants to hear that story.
Don't be embarrassed, Ted.
It was a long time ago.
I made a huge mistake
last night,
but it's like
Descartes says,
"In order to determine
whether there is anything
we can know with certainty,
"we first have to doubt
everything we know."
And I now know for certain
that I love you, Karen.
Anyway, call me back
when you get this.
I'm also going down to
the computer center to
send you an electronic mail.
Ted. This is Lily.
No. No, I'm sorry,
but I love Karen.
Yes, that is
the unabridged story
of how Lily and I met.
How embarrassing.
Who wants another round?
That's not the story.
Ted, tell them.
Tell us what?
Lily, will you help us
get the next round?
Ted, what's going on?
She knows about us,
about how we really met.
Yeah, I know,
I just told her.
No, the real story.
Ted, what are you
talking about?
Lily, come on.
Come on, what?
Lily, come on.
Ted, I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.
Lily, come on.
I know that
you and Ted made out
the night before
you met Marshall.
What?
Ted and I
never made out.
Yeah, we did.
I only made out
with one other guy
in college
before I met Marshall,
and it was just
some random dude.
I don't even
remember his name.
I just call him
too-much-tongue guy.
What?
Too-much-tongue guy?
Well, I'm not surprised
to hear that coming from
unreasonably-small-mouth-
opening girl.
That wasn't me.
Yes, it was,
at the freshman
orientation party.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
How much fun is this?
All of us reminiscing
about how we met me?
Robin, have I told you
how I met Marshall?
Yeah, like five
or six times...
It was right over there.
Here's your problem,
you've only slept
with one woman.
Those kind of stats
are only okay
if you're 11.
But tonight,
we're getting you
a new girl,
because, Marshall Eriksen,
from this moment on,
I make all your decisions
for you.
I'm sorry,
who are you again?
This is Barney.
I met him the other day.
He's kind of a jackass.
I'm teaching Ted
how to live.
And, lucky you,
I have room
for one more student.
Think of me as Yoda.
Only instead of being
little and green,
I wear suits and I'm awesome.
I'm your bro. I'm Broda.
And tonight,
you're going to
use the Force
to get the hottest chick
in this bar into bed.
He's going to use force?
'Cause that
sounds wrong, Broda.
No, the Force.
It's a Star Wars reference.
So we should make lots of
Star Wars
references around girls,
that's what you're saying?
I'm not gonna
cheat on my girlfriend.
Yes, you are, with the hottie
that just walked in.
Look at her.
How much hotter is she
than your girlfriend?
There's no comparison.
What do you think, Ted?
No.
Should I go for it?
Don't do it, man.
I mean, think about Lily.
You know what? I don't care.
I've been with
one woman for too long.
I need me some strange.
Yes, yes. Pep talk.
You can do this,
but to be more accurate,
you probably can't.
You're way out of practice,
and she is
way too hot for you.
So, remember,
tonight isn't about scoring,
it's about believing
that you can do it,
even though
you probably can't.
Go get them, tiger.
Poor guy's going to
crash and burn.
That man is a god.
For like a week after,
Barney followed me around
asking me to teach him
how to live.
I even got him
to do my laundry once.
I thought it was
a Mr. Miyagi
kind of thing.
Marshall, I need to
talk to you.
Can we go somewhere
in private?
Yeah, of course.
What's wrong?
Lily and Ted made out.
What do you think
of that, Robin?
What are you talking about?
You know that guy
I made out with
at the freshman
orientation party?
Too-much-tongue guy? Yeah.
And you know that girl
I made out with at the
freshman orientation party?
Unreasonably-small-mouth-
opening girl? Yeah.
I'm too-much-tongue guy.
And I'm
unreasonably-small-mouth-
opening girl.
Worst superheroes ever.
Baby, I am so sorry.
I don't think you need to be.
I was at that party.
It was dark, and granted,
I had eaten
quite a few sandwiches,
but I'm 100% sure that
unreasonably-small-mouth-
opening girl was
Alexa Leskeys, not Lily.
Really?
Yeah, I'm positive.
And too-much-tongue guy
was Colin O'Reilly.
Are you sure?
If it wasn't,
I peed in the wrong guy's
shampoo, man.
You don't really
believe that, do you?
You swore it was Lily.
I guess I made a mistake.
Must have been Alexa.
Another girl, Ted?
Who haven't
you made out with?
You know what?
I don't need this.
I design handbags.
I'm writing a memoir.
I'm a superstar.
This is totally my year.
Someday the name Blahblah
will be up in lights.
And, Ted, next time
you're online
playing World of Warcraft,
don't even think
about chatting with me.
World of Warcraft?
The online
role-playing game?
That's how
you two met online?
Yeah, it's a really...
It's a cool game.
So, suffice it to say,
Blahblah did not turn out
to be your mother.
As for the girl
I made out with
at the party,
there wasn't a doubt
in my mind,
that was your Aunt Lily.
But, you know,
that magical story of how
she and uncle Marshall met,
it was worth preserving,
so I kept my mouth shut.
I guess I made a mistake.
Must have been Alexa.
Until our 20th college reunion
when I ran into
Alexa Leskeys.
So, Ted,
remember the last time
we were here?
You and me? No idea.
Ted, come on.
Freshman year,
we were both pretty drunk?
That was you?
Lily, we never made out.
I know.
So I am not
too-much-tongue guy.
Actually...
No.
Look what I've confiscated
from some kids.
That is a fat sandwich.
I know, right?
Chew, chew, chew,
chew, swallow.
That's all right, honey.
Sandwiches are
strong these days.
I can't believe
I used to be able
to eat a whole sandwich
by myself.
Now it's like two bites
and I am done.
Baby, can we grow sandwiches
behind the garage?
Dude, we're 42.
Where's my wife?