Kids,
everybody makes mistakes.
Take this girl, Meg,
for instance.
She made a mistake.
A mistake named Barney.
Yeah, I thought
I was gonna get married
to my last boyfriend,
but, boy, did that guy
have commitment issues!
That whole relationship,
that's three weeks of my life
I'll never get back.
Well, I love commitment.
I wish I could
marry commitment.
I met a girl last night.
Really?
So perky and full of life
and not at all fake.
You're talking about
her boobs, right?
"C."
And that wasn't Spanish,
that was cup size.
What up?
So, these boobs...
Hmm.
Paint me a word picture.
All right, Ted.
Imagine the heads
of two Irish babies.
Let's call them... and...
Please stop!
When you get married,
you start outgrowing
certain parts of your life.
And for Lily and Marshall,
those certain parts were,
for the most part, me.
Why would you come in?
You heard me shaving!
I thought you were
shaving your face!
Well, clearly I wasn't!
Oh! No, no, no!
Pay up, hussy!
Guys? Guys, it's 3:00
in the morning,
and it reeks in here.
Ted said it was okay.
Hey, Marshall.
You're still up?
Aren't you taking
the bar tomorrow?
Discontent
was bubbling under
the surface, until one day...
Ted!
How many times
have I asked you
to put the lid back
on the peanut butter jar?
It's this sort of
inconsiderate,
immature jackassery
that makes me feel like
I'm living in
the Real World house,
and not the early years
when they all had jobs
and social consciences,
I am talking about
Hawaii and after!
I can't take this anymore!
Ted, Lily and I
are married now!
It's time!
We're getting
our own place!
Actually, I left the lid off.
Sorry, baby.
But still,
it was time
to move forward.
So, they set out
to find a new apartment
to rent.
Hey, here's one.
"Pre-war building,
recently renovated,
"hardwood floors,
tons of light,
two bedroom, two bath."
Oh, yeah, but that one's
not for rent.
It's for sale.
Oh, right.
Kids,
your Uncle Marshall
likes to say
that he made
three big mistakes
in his life.
This was the first.
Jump,
you big chicken!
Jump,
you fraidy cat!
Jump!
This was the second.
No!
And this was
the third and biggest.
We should buy a place!
What?
Baby, real estate
is always
a good investment.
It's not.
And the market
is really hot right now.
It wasn't.
And because of my new job,
we are in such
a strong place financially.
They weren't.
Because Lily had a secret.
Hi.
My name is Lily,
and I'm a shopaholic.
Hi, Lily.
Oh, you guys
don't do that here?
Sorry. Proceed.
I buy designer clothes
and accessories
that I can't afford.
I have 15 credit cards
and they're all maxed out,
and no one outside
of this room,
not even my husband, knows.
And I feel terrible,
because all I want to do
right now is ask you
where you got those shoes.
They're adorable.
We can't buy.
We have debt.
Yeah, I know.
My student loans
are pretty big.
I forgive you.
What?
Well, I'm just saying,
as your wife,
you know, I'm cool
that you spent tens of
thousands of dollars
on a brand-name law school,
because I know it makes you
feel good and pretty.
Let's just go take
a look at this place.
Where is it?
It's in a neighborhood
called...
Dowisetrepla?
Dowisetrepla...
Oh, I see,
you're not New Yorkers.
Oh, actually we live
on the Upper West Side,
so...
No need to be embarrassed.
Listen, here in New York,
we just shorten the names
of all the neighborhoods.
Soho, Tribeca.
Nolita...
Oh, right.
Dowisetrepla.
No, I'm from New York.
I know this neighborhood.
I'm down with the D-town.
Oh, well, nobody
calls it D-town.
Dowisetrepla is
the up-and-coming
neighborhood.
And I have to tell you,
for these prices,
you're not going to be able
to find another...
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
Don't bother
with the hard sell.
This place is way out
of our price range,
and, besides,
we've only just
started looking.
Is what Marshall
should've said.
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
I love it! Let's get it!
Thank you guys
for coming down here
so quickly.
I've never been to
this neighborhood.
Kind of thought
this part of town was water.
No. Dude,
this is Dowisetrepla.
Dowisetrepla?
Yeah.
Is that an abbreviation
for something?
He's from Ohio.
Dowisetrepla is
the up-and-coming
neighborhood.
I think this might be
the place where
Lily and I start a family.
I can see it now.
Two, three, four.
All right,
bring it home, boys.
Sounds great, boys.
Who wants
chocolate pancakes?
Thanks, Mommy!
Man, life is gonna be sweet!
Oh, my God,
Lily, have you seen
this kitchen?
I know.
Isn't it amazing?
It's...
I just love it so...
What the hell
are you doing?
You can't buy this place.
Lily, you have a debt
the size of
Mount Waddington!
Waddington?
It's the tallest mountain
in Canada.
It's like
4,000 meters high.
Meters?
Oh, God! Don't let
Marshall fall in love
with this apartment.
I know. I know,
I know, I know.
But what do I tell him?
I don't know, tell him...
Tell him you saw a ghost.
Tell him it's haunted.
You really don't know
Marshall at all.
So, the owners,
where are they?
Oh, they're on vacation
in France for two weeks.
I see. Between you and me,
I'm also interested
in the apartment.
So is there any way
I could come back later
and check it out
while you're showing them
other places?
The lockbox combination
is 14-21,
and here is my card.
Are you serious?
You're trying to snake
this apartment away
from Marshall and Lily?
Ted, do you think
I have no morals
whatsoever?
I simply want to fool a girl
into thinking
this is my apartment,
so I can nail her once
and never have to
see her again.
I'm not a monster.
Now, listen.
I don't want to put a lot of
pressure on you,
but there is one other couple
that's expressed
very serious interest.
I see what
you're doing here.
"Another couple." Please.
That crap is page one
out of
the realtor's playbook,
and we're not buying it.
Is what Marshall
should have said.
Another couple? No!
We want it. Sell it to us.
We'll give you
so much more money.
Oh, Marshall,
can I talk to you?
Marshall, I just...
I don't know if now
is the right time to buy.
But we're not doing this
for now, we're doing this
for our future.
Can't you imagine
starting a family here?
Oh, Persephone!
Oh, Daphne! These will be
perfect additions
to our upcoming
mother-daughter exhibit
at the Met.
Looks great, girls.
Who wants
crepes au chocolat?
Merci, Papa!
So, what do
you guys think?
Oh, I love it,
but, Marshall...
I should have told you this
a long time ago.
We can't afford
to buy an apartment
because I have too much
credit card debt.
I am so sorry.
Is what
she should have said.
I love it. Let's get it.
Can we charge it?
To Lily and Marshall,
and their momentous
step forward
into adulthood.
Chug! Chug!
Drink it!
Yes! Well done.
Nice!
Anything else?
Yes.
I've been staring
at that thing for years.
Wendy, bring me
the comically large bottle
of champagne.
Really? Are you sure?
It's never
been refrigerated.
And I think, at some point,
there was a fish in it.
Honey, once you've made
the sale, stop selling.
All right, but you guys
have to help me carry it.
All right,
let's do it.
Let's do this.
I know what you're thinking.
I should
tell Marshall the truth.
Hey, I've got the whole thing
figured out.
We'll apply for the loan
under Marshall's name,
and he'll never need to know.
And then, in the meantime,
I'll slowly work down my debt.
Right after I furnish
the apartment.
I saw this amazing
leather sofa today.
You should be
a reality show.
Nice! Nice.
Wait! That cork
is the size
of a softball,
and you're pointing it
directly at Wendy
the waitress' face.
Is what
he should have said.
Now,
if you're thinking of
buying an apartment,
it's always good
to check the place out
at night.
Welcome to my
humble abode.
This place
is so nice.
Make yourself at home.
Please, get comfortable.
If you see something
you like, just take it.
Who are these people?
That's my parents.
They're Asian.
Yeah. They're a Chinese couple
that wanted a white baby.
It works both ways.
Cookie?
Wow!
Did you make those?
You got me.
My sisters taught me
how to bake
and how to listen.
I feel so at home here.
I'm glad.
Sometimes, I don't.
A place like this
really needs
a lady of the house.
I know it's too early
to be thinking of you as...
Oh, God.
I'm freaking you out,
aren't I?
It's just,
you make me feel so safe.
I didn't...
The next day,
Lily and Marshall
went to the mortgage broker
to get a loan.
Hey, can we get this
in singles?
Before we get the apartment,
I want to
put in a kiddie pool
and swim around in it
naked.
Right. That is good.
Thank you.
Okay. All right,
back to business now.
All right, Ms. Aldrin,
I'm going to need
your social as well.
What? Why?
I mean, you already
have Marshall's.
Yes, but since
you're a married couple,
you'll be applying
for a joint loan, so...
Well, can we just go ahead
and do it
in my husband's name?
He is the head
of the household.
He earns the big bucks.
I mean, can women
even own property?
Baby, go ahead,
just give him your social.
Okay, my...
My social is
5-4-9-2-4-1-8-0.
Got it.
Let's see what kind of rate
I can get you two.
Under six percent.
Under six percent, please.
There we go. Congratulations.
You've been approved
for a loan at 18%.
No. What? That...
That can't be right.
You're lucky to be
getting a mortgage.
Let's get out of here,
Marshall.
Wait, no. Hold it. Just...
I don't understand.
Did we do something wrong,
or... You know?
You have quite a bit
of debt.
My student loans. Great.
I thought we were friends.
You know what?
It's fine to penalize me
for trying to get
an education
and build a career,
but I will not let you
deprive my beautiful wife
of her dream home,
just because I...
Okay, actually,
it's because of your wife's
credit card debt.
Oh, my God.
Marshall, there's something
I have to tell you,
and I want you to
hear it from me first.
Okay, so, let me
get this straight.
You just snuck this girl
into some
stranger's apartment?
Yeah, we spent the night.
Hey, look at you.
Hey, I'm wearing
our bathrobe.
I hope you don't mind.
The only thing missing
from that bathrobe
are your initials.
My mom's gonna be in town
next week.
Is it okay
if she stays with us?
Only if she sleeps in the bed
and I sleep on the couch.
You're so sweet.
I love you.
There, I said it
and I'm not taking it back.
Oh, my God! I love you, too.
I'm finally not
the first one to say it!
How about
you get in the shower,
and I will make us
some waffles?
Works every time.
Wait. That time
that you offered
to walk my dogs
when I went to
visit my dad
in Vancouver?
Yup.
Is that why my Yorkie
trembled for like a week
after I got back?
Yeah. That little guy
saw some stuff
I'm not proud of.
Whoa!
What?
There was a fight here.
What do you mean?
Whenever Marshall and Lily
have a big argument,
they always leave
a trail of evidence
all over the apartment.
Oh, God, here we go.
He had a detective club
as a kid.
The Mosby Boys
cracked a lot of big cases.
The Mosby Boys?
You mean
you and your sister?
We solved the mystery
of the missing retainer.
Hmm. Let me guess.
It was in the garbage.
Why are you like this?
Anyway, this is serious.
I know Lily and Marshall.
All the telltale signs
are here. Like this.
A water bottle?
Don't touch
the evidence.
I got your back, partner.
It's not just
any water bottle.
Notice the label
is peeled off.
Lily always peels
labels off the bottle
when she's feeling guilty.
This label is not only
peeled off, but torn up.
Oh, man,
she must have done
something bad.
Which means Marshall
must have been
really angry,
and when Marshall
gets really angry,
he eats.
Ah!
Just as I suspected.
Cherry Garcia.
Given the liquid
consistency,
I place the fight between
noon and 1:00.
Ew.
That was on the floor.
If you want to get to
the bottom of this,
you're gonna need
a stronger stomach
than that, dollface.
Marshall stood here,
eating and yelling,
yelling and eating.
Lily stood here,
crying.
Ew, Ted.
And then Marshall
tried to storm out,
but Lily went for
the Hail Mary pass.
Which would mean...
Ah!
What do you think,
make-up sex?
No. There'd be
a bigger mess.
Tempted as he was,
Marshall was
still too upset.
He had to
get out of here,
any way he could.
He chose the door,
slamming it behind him.
Which is why
this picture is crooked.
Nice catch, rook.
I'll just take this
down to the lab.
Now all we need
is a motive.
The million-dollar question.
What were
they fighting about?
I know what
they've been
fighting about...
There's only one
possible conclusion.
Lily and Marshall
were fighting about
peanut butter.
Ah.
Lily left the lid off...
and Marshall blew his.
I know what they
were fighting about,
and it wasn't peanut butter.
Robin, just...
I appreciate your help,
but there's a reason
your name is Robin,
not Batman.
Just...
They were fighting
because they didn't
get the loan,
and it's all Lily's fault.
Robin, just...
What?
Yeah, she has a pile of debt
the size of Mount Rushmore.
Nice try, Robin.
So, the next thing
Lily did
was give Marshall
a few hours to cool off
about the peanut butter.
Then she called him
to apologize,
which is why
the last number
dialed is...
Greenstein and Lee,
divorce attorneys.
This can't be happening.
They can't get divorced.
Not Lily and Marshall,
no way.
Well, it's been nice
knowing you guys.
What do you mean?
Well, Marshall's
gonna get you guys,
Lily's gonna get me.
Even if they break up,
that doesn't mean
we still can't
all hang out.
I mean, we broke up
and we still hang out.
It's not weird.
It's a little weird.
Yeah, it is. It's weird.
The world needs
Marshall and Lily together.
I'm not crying.
There's something in my eye.
They're back.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
We have an announcement.
I know.
It's a terrible idea.
You can't do it!
Just look at me.
I hit redial on the phone.
Divorce lawyers?
Oh. I should explain.
We got in
a pretty big fight.
Yeah, I know.
Marshall stormed out.
I went to the bar.
Still drinking that?
I paid for it.
And apparently
money's tight now, so...
Listen. I've been
thinking about this,
and I know there's no way
to undo what I've done,
but, well,
I made an appointment
with a divorce lawyer.
What?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
What, you want
a divorce, now?
No.
I just mean on paper,
so that you can
buy the apartment
without my bad credit
dragging us down.
Lily, are you trying
to kill me?
I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have led
with the divorce
lawyer part.
No, you shouldn't have.
I love you, Lily.
I love you, too.
And I want us to
have our dream home.
I don't know.
It seems like
this is a way to do it.
So, Marshall Eriksen,
will you divorce me?
That's the sweetest
divorce proposal
I've ever heard.
So is that a yes?
You can't sleep
with other women, though.
No. We're not
getting divorced,
not even on paper.
When I married you,
I married
your problems, too.
The ones I knew about
and the ones I didn't.
So, that was the deal,
and we'll figure this out
together.
Can I get you guys
anything else?
So, you're not
getting a divorce?
No.
Wow, you guys scared us.
Oh, thank God!
Cause, I mean,
if you did,
then who'd be
the lame married couple
I get to make fun of?
Like, "Hey, Marshall,
you married Miss Right.
"You just didn't know
her first name
was Always."
That stuff is gold.
So, what's the announcement?
I just got off the phone
with the realtor.
We told her that
because of our finances,
we're not getting the place.
It's just not the right time.
Is what Marshall
should have said.
I just got off the phone
with the realtor.
We got the place!
We're homeowners!
Have you
lost your mind?
Are you insane?
Is what
we should have said.
Yeah!
That's awesome!
This is exciting!
Yeah.
There it is!
Our new home.
Shall we?
We shall.
Oh, what
a horrible smell.
It reeks!
Oh, that's just
the plant.
Don't worry,
they shut it down
on the weekend.
What plant?
What are you
talking about?
Don't you know?
Baby, this whole neighborhood
is downwind
of the sewage
treatment plant.
Wait.
What did you just say?
I said we're downwind
of the sewage
treatment plant.
Uh-oh.