Kids,
the early bloom of a romance
is a wonderful thing.
You meet someone,
you have a connection,
and that person
becomes sheer perfection
in your eyes.
You just can't find anything
wrong with them.
And you can't wait
to tell the world about it.
She convinced you
to go jogging?
Wow, you really want
to get in
this girl's pants.
I'm telling you,
you guys are going to
love her.
Lily, she knows
all about art.
Marshall, she's open
to the existence of UFOs.
Barney, she's hot.
Robin, she's not
hotter than you.
Like her already.
How not hotter?
So we all went out
to dinner, and I couldn't wait
to see if my friends
were as crazy about Cathy
as I was.
So, what's
everyone getting?
Well, I can't decide.
Which sounds better,
chicken or lasagna?
Lasagna.
Just get the lasagna!
Oh! You guys just got
a new place.
How many bedrooms is it?
Two.
It's two bedrooms!
Okay! Let's hear it.
What's wrong with Cathy?
Are you kidding me, Ted?
She's got a...
Wait, you don't
notice it?
Notice what?
Oh, he doesn't
see it.
If we point it out,
we're gonna
ruin her for him.
As his friends,
we'll just keep him
in the dark.
You're right.
She's great, man.
She's a keeper.
Just keep her
somewhere else.
Marshall, what
is everyone's problem
with Cathy?
She's a total nightmare, Ted,
but can we
talk about this later?
I'm a minute away from
finding out if I'm going to
be a lawyer or not.
You see, kids,
during the summer,
Marshall had taken
the New York bar exam.
His years of school,
his countless hours of study,
had finally culminated
in this grueling,
two-day ordeal.
And begin.
The pressure of it
was enormous.
Every year, people
taking the bar
simply cracked.
No! No!
No!
But Marshall
had made it through.
And time.
Time's up.
Right.
Time.
Sir.
I know.
Your time is...
I know it is.
Give me...
Now, months later,
the results of that exam
were scheduled
to post online at 10:00,
and it was 9:59.
Damn, they're not up yet.
Oh, don't worry, baby.
I'm sure you rocked it.
I mean, how many people
fail the bar?
Half.
Oh, my God, half?
Only half the people pass?
I mean, half the people pass.
That's fantastic.
Go, Marshall.
Oh, hey, can I
jump on there?
I wanna show you
something awesome.
What? No. Bar results,
my future.
Trust me,
you need to see this.
What is so important
that I need to see it
right now?
It's a video of a dog
pooping on a baby.
How do I need to see that?
Why would I want to see that?
In what possible way
could subjecting my eyes
and my brain
to something that disgusting
enrich my life?
It's a dog
pooping on a baby.
Get away
from my computer.
Okay, just do a quick
Google search
for "caca spaniel."
The results are in.
What's it say?
Input password.
Well, input the password!
It's okay.
They assigned it to me
when I took the test.
It's gotta be around here
somewhere.
Here. Here, here, here.
Jelly beans, fluffernutter,
gummy bears, gingersnaps...
This is a grocery list.
For who?
A witch building a house
in the forest?
Sugar helps me study.
This is like the shopping
a 10-year-old does
when his parents leave him
alone for the weekend.
What parent leaves
a 10-year-old alone
for the weekend?
And your mom was perfect.
I can't find my password!
Okay, just...
Can't you let them know
that you lost it
and they'll e-mail it
to you or something?
No! They won't
let me do that.
I'm going to have to wait
till the results
come in the regular mail.
That could be weeks
from now, if ever!
Our mail carrier hates me
ever since I asked her
when the baby was due.
She wasn't pregnant?
No, he was not.
Okay, well, that's a drag,
but the results
will come eventually.
Just try to keep it
off your mind until then.
Hey, Brad.
Oh, congratulations, man.
I'm not sure yet.
I lost my password.
That's great, Cara.
I don't know yet.
I lost my password.
I don't know
how I lost it!
This stuff happens!
Oh, oh...
You're one to talk.
You misplace stuff
all the time.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure the nurses
are stealing
your medicine, Grandma.
Love you, too.
If I have to wait six weeks
to find out if I passed,
I'm gonna have
a heart attack.
Based on that grocery list,
I'd say diabetes
is a bigger worry.
You know what?
Laugh all you want.
This affects
my whole future,
all right?
Okay.
I probably shouldn't
be telling you this.
I definitely shouldn't
be telling you this,
but there is a way
I can help you
with your problem.
How?
I know a guy at work.
He can get access
to software designed
to penetrate firewalls
and retrieve passwords
through secure servers.
I can get into
any computer.
So what do we do?
Like, arrange
a secret meeting
in a darkened
parking structure?
No.
Can we?
No.
I have a trench coat.
Dude, be cool.
So, I just got off
the phone with Cathy.
God, you guys
are so right.
I totally hear it now.
See it now?
Smell it?
What is it?
I left the table
for two minutes.
What could she have
possibly
done in that time
that was so horrible?
Was it...
I'll be back
in one second.
One time, in the tenth grade,
as a joke, I told everyone
that my English teacher
had sex with me.
He's still in jail.
Or maybe...
I'll be back
in a second.
So I volunteer
at the pound.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Yeah.
You can't imagine the rush
you get from
killing an unwanted puppy.
I make bracelets
out of the collars.
Or...
I'll be back
in one second.
I bet he's going to
the urinal.
Yeah, I remember
when I had a penis.
It wasn't anything she did
while you were
in the bathroom.
It's just the way
she is.
I don't get it.
If it's so obvious
and you guys all see it,
how come I don't?
Because we're not trying
to have sex with her.
Brother, you're driving
the "I wanna have
sex with her" truck,
and it's got
a huge blind spot.
That's ridiculous.
Is it really?
Ted, let me tell you
a little story
about a young lady I wanted
to have sex with, Lucilia.
On a white sand beach
in Rio de Janeiro,
we made love
for 10 straight hours.
When we were done,
she applauded
and told me
I was far, far better
than the best lover
she could possibly imagine,
and that I had restored
her faith in God.
What does this have to
do with Cathy?
Who's Cathy?
Just tell me what the hell
is wrong with her already.
Okay.
You want to know?
Yes.
You want to shatter
this beautiful illusion
you've created
for yourself?
Fine. Here it is.
Cathy talks
a lot.
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
Ted.
Really, really think
about that dinner
we all just had together.
And I did.
So, what's everyone
getting?
Well, I can't decide.
Which sounds better,
chicken or lasagna?
I like chicken.
I like lasagna.
I like them both.
But I really like pork.
A lot of people
don't eat pork,
and maybe it's because
of that movie
Babe or something.
But that was funny.
He was a talking pig
and he was like,
"Bah, ram, ewe!"
What if there was a sorority,
Bah Ram Ewe?
I'd totally rush it.
and so I named him
Dr. Seuss!
"Lorax" is a funny word.
Lasagna!
Just get the lasagna!
Oh, you guys just got
a new place.
How many bedrooms is it?
I would love to have
an extra bedroom,
because I would put
a Stairmaster in there,
but you guys
should get
a convertible sofa.
Or a futon. Futons are great.
Or what about one of
those Murphy beds?
Who invented the Murphy bed?
Was it a guy named Murphy?
Oh, my God.
Do you guys remember
that show, Murphy Brown?
That was a funny show.
She had a new assistant
every episode.
and it was like
half an hour
before I realized
he wasn't even
on the phone anymore!
Isn't that hysterical?
Two! It's two bedrooms!
Hey, do you guys
like cannolis?
Because I know this place
and it's in the south Bronx
and you wouldn't expect it,
but they have
the best cannolis in town.
And just like that,
the illusion was shattered.
Wow.
She just never
shuts up, does she?
She didn't stop to
swallow her food.
I was scared for her.
I didn't
want her to choke.
At first.
So, kids,
this girl I was dating
would not stop talking.
Can you imagine
how awful that is?
I'm so glad
that we're staying here
tonight,
because the thing
about going out
is you have so...
Do you own a wok?
'Cause that's
really how...
Don't you just love autumn?
Today I'm dressed for...
Oh, my God,
you're the
sweetest thing.
this great place
that we can go.
They have guys'
and girls' clothes.
We could both shop
at the same time
and a lot of times,
boyfriends and...
Hey, why are you
running so fast?
Well, thank you, pal.
You and
your little friends.
You just had to tell me.
You just had to give in
to my incessant begging.
You said that
you wanted to know.
I didn't
want to know!
You said
you wanted to know!
Well, I didn't know
I didn't want to know!
You knew, and you know me,
and you should have known
I didn't want to know!
You know?
I'm sorry we told you.
I'm surprised
she didn't tell you herself
at some point.
There's only a finite
combination of words
in the English language.
Well, you could have
let me enjoy it
a little longer.
She's got all these
other great qualities.
She's smart. She's caring.
She loves animals.
You know how to
teach her a lesson?
Buy her a parrot.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry that
we told you, okay?
It's part of being
in a relationship.
Eventually, you get used
to these
annoying little things
that bug you at first.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, you got used
to Lily's
loud chewing, right?
Lily doesn't chew loudly.
Dude.
Come on. This isn't news.
Why do you think
I call her Chewbacca?
I assumed
because she's loyal,
wears shiny belts
and I resemble
a young Harrison Ford.
Think about it.
Oh, man! Honestly, dude,
that's the meanest thing
you've ever done to me.
I really thought you knew.
We had ribs the other night.
It sounded like Jurassic Park.
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
But it did.
Say, what's in that cereal
besides dry twigs
and small animal bones?
What's that
supposed to mean?
Lily, I love you,
but honest to God,
when you eat,
it sounds like
a garbage disposal
full of drywall screws.
What's the matter
with you?
We've been together 10 years,
and you're saying this now?
Well, I never noticed it
before until...
Until what?
Can you believe Ted?
What a lame thing to say,
that I'm a loud chewer.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Maybe enough
with the pretzels.
Oh, my God,
do I really chew
that loudly?
No, no, no.
Okay, now that
you pointed it out,
maybe it does sound
slightly like
someone put a screwdriver
in a pencil sharpener,
but in a cute way.
This is all Ted's fault.
Oh, like he's so perfect,
Mr. Corrector.
What do you mean?
Oh, come on.
You dated the guy
for a year
and you never noticed
that most of what Ted says
is correcting you.
Hey, can you hand me
a Kleenex?
Actually, Kleenex
is a brand.
This is a facial tissue.
Oh, my God, is Frankenstein
gonna kill that little girl?
Dr. Frankenstein
isn't in this scene.
That's Frankenstein's
monster.
That literally
blew my mind.
Figuratively.
Oh, my God, you're right.
That is so annoying.
Isn't it?
Where are those pretzels from,
Ace Hardware?
Hey, man,
you like kettle corn?
I'm trying to get rid
of anything crunchy.
Are the blinds closed?
I don't know.
Are the blinds closed?
Yes, the blinds
are closed. Now...
Good, I didn't think
I was followed, but
you can never be too sure.
Now, double lock the door
and stay away
from the windows.
Is there a reason
that you're
acting like this?
We're about to find out
if you're a lawyer.
Now, in good conscience,
I have to inform you
that using his software
is in violation
of the Patriot Act,
the Strategic
Defense Initiative
and the National Security Act
of 1948,
which created the CIA.
So I hope
you passed the bar
because if we use
this software,
the night janitor, Gligor,
who I fooled into
putting fingerprints
on my computer,
is going to need
a good lawyer.
Are you certain you wanna
go through with this?
I have to know. Yes, yes.
Very good.
First, we go
to the New York State Bar
Web site.
We disable the firewall,
then the recursive algorithm
grabs your password,
and as the application
erases itself,
leaving no trace
we were here ever...
You ready to see
your future, bro?
Yes.
It's a dog
pooping on a baby.
Right!
Isn't that awesome?
So you went through
all this just to get me
to look at
your stupid video?
Yeah, it was worth it.
Barney, Barney,
that was the biggest test
of my life.
I'm incredibly stressed out
right now, and I...
Okay, that's pretty funny.
Ted, you got to
see this.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I have to...
She'll call back
when she realizes I'm gone.
Probably in about
45 minutes.
Hey.
Hi.
You guys want a drink?
I'll just have a water.
Technically,
water is a drink.
Really, professor?
You drink it?
Is that how water works?
Because I was just gonna
smear it on my skin
and hope I absorbed it.
Or you could, you know,
pour it over your shirt.
What's with you?
You're always
correcting people.
You totally do that!
That's absolutely right.
Right? I never
noticed it before,
and now it's literally
driving me crazy.
Figuratively.
Okay, maybe so,
but it's no worse
than you using
the word "literally"
in every other sentence.
Don't they teach
vocabulary in Canada?
They literally don't.
Shut up, Marshall.
That's nothing compared
to your thing of singing
what you do
all the time.
What?
using return
address labels
that I haven't
given money to
'cause now I feel guilty
the basement today
because I left the room
Those lines are so sloppy.
That is annoying.
Oh, come on!
What about you, "Barney?"
Okay, you
always...
Interesting, interesting.
Everyone has
annoying habits but me.
Oh, got it.
Okay, you sometimes talk
in a weird
high-pitched voice.
And you're constantly
using lame catchphrases.
And sometimes, you space out
and don't even pay attention
to what we're
talking about.
I'm sorry. What?
See?
You can't think
of anything
because I am awesome.
All three, right there.
Well, technically, "awesome"
wouldn't be a catchphrase.
If anything,
it's more of
a catchword.
I literally want to
rip your head off.
You mean "figuratively!"
No, I literally
mean "literally."
Literally, literally,
literally.
Oh, my God, Lily,
what are you eating,
gravel?
Oh, I know, right?
It sounds like cufflinks
going up a vacuum cleaner.
Well, why don't
you sing about it?
No, no, sometimes you just
sing nonsense sentences
like a stroke victim,
and what's worse,
they're catchy.
banana cat dance
See, we know that one
because once you sang that
for, like, three hours.
What the hell is that?
That's my password.
Oh, Marshall!
Awesome!
There's another one.
It's called
"Golden reliever,"
where this dog...
Yeah, we can guess.
All right, guys,
guys, guys.
I'm a lawyer.
And just like that,
we stopped fighting
and celebrated
Marshall's success.
You see, when someone's
bad habits
are pointed out to you,
it's hard to ignore them.
'cause I've passed the bar
Are you literally
on cloud nine right now?
Baby, you never have
to take the bar again.
Actually, if he practices law
in another state,
he will have to.
But New York, man!
It's a great state
to practice law in!
Lawsuit up!
Yeah!
But if you
love them enough,
those bad habits
are easy to forget.
Three years later,
I ran into Cathy,
and she was doing well.
Ted?
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you
in so long.
How long has it been?
Three years?
No, four. No, three.
'Cause I went blonde
and then I went back
'cause I was having
too much fun.
You know, it's true
what they say,
blondes have more fun.
Oh, my God,
I'm being so rude.
Ted, this is my fiancee.
Yes, I'm engaged.
Ted, this is Daniel.
Daniel, this is Ted.
Great.
You guys seem perfect
for each other.
Oh, my God.
I know, right?
Totally. It was
love at first sight.
Hey, we should
go out sometime.
Are you seeing anyone?
Because we could
double-date.
Would that be weird?
No, it's not weird.
We can go have brunch,
down the street.
I know this place.
Do you guys
like popovers?
They're like croissants,
but they're less flaky,
and they're kind of round.
They have strawberry jam!