Back when
we were dating, Robin and I
had this running joke.
We were the only two people
in the world
who found it funny.
No way! March does not
have 31 days.
Yes, it does.
Everyone knows that.
It's like general knowledge.
General Knowledge.
And we did it all the time.
Isn't it sad?
I mean, in 2007,
some countries
actually still condone
corporal punishment.
Corporal Punishment.
Because once you start,
it's surprisingly
hard to stop.
Oh, man, I got
a kernel
stuck in my teeth.
Colonel Stuck-in-my-teeth.
Please stop!
I hate you!
But now,
we were broken up,
so when Marshall said...
But after the first year,
I get a major pay raise.
Nice!
We just let it slide.
You see, on the surface,
Robin and I looked like
we were doing great.
But the truth is,
trying to be friends
with your ex
is a lot harder than it looks.
You can't be as candid
as you used to be.
So then, hot intern
leans over my desk,
I can totally see
she has a pierced...
Brosnan.
Pierce Brosnan is my favorite
of all the Bonds.
But most importantly,
you can never,
ever be alone together.
I gotta go.
I'm gonna go pay.
Pee.
I'm gonna help
Marshall pay.
I'm gonna help
Lily pee.
All right,
we have a turkey.
Yeah, we do!
Isn't this exciting?
Our first Thanksgiving
together as a group.
Yeah, this is gonna be
the best
Slapsgiving ever.
What?
I said, "This is going to be
the best Thanksgiving ever."
Yeah, this is
going to be great.
Just the five of us,
right?
Oh, that reminds me.
I invited Bob.
Bob?
You've been on, like,
three dates with that guy.
We haven't even met him.
Well, he didn't have
anywhere else to go,
and I didn't know
what to say.
Is it really that big a deal?
Yes.
This is our first
Thanksgiving.
Thirty years from now,
we're going to look at
the photos, and say,
"Oh, there's the
four people I love most
in the world.
"And Bob."
I'm sorry,
sometimes I forget
how seriously you guys take
American Thanksgiving.
Real Thanksgiving happened
over a month ago.
I'm "sorry." Did you just say
Canadian Thanksgiving was,
and I'm quoting,
"The real Thanksgiving"?
What do Canadians even have
to celebrate "about"?
Canadian Thanksgiving
celebrates explorer
Martin Frobisher's valiant,
yet ultimately
unsuccessful attempt to find
the Northwest Passage.
Why are you guys
even a country?
Oh, hey, by the way,
if anyone wants to come over
early on Thursday,
we can watch
the Slapsgiving
Day Parade.
Well, there,
you said it again.
Said what?
Slapsgiving!
Oh, I guess I did.
You know why?
I've invented a new holiday.
Slapsgiving.
It's the one day we set aside
each year to gather
together and give slaps.
I should explain.
Kids, you remember
the slap bet.
A year earlier,
Marshall made a bet
with Barney,
and won the right to
slap him five times.
He had already used
the first
and the second.
But Marshall had
something special
in store for the third.
Slapcountdown.com.
No.
No. No.
The countdown ends
at 3:00 p.m.
the day after Thanksgiving.
I counted it out.
How many days
are in October?
Thirty.
Dude, I thought
we cleared this up
last year.
I like Halloween very much.
It's nice.
It's also tomorrow.
Damn it!
Wait, you're gonna slap me
on Thanksgiving?
Slapsgiving.
That's not allowed.
Lily, you're
the Slap Bet Commissioner.
Is that allowed?
The hostess in me,
who's using
her wedding china
for the first time,
wants to say
"Hell, no!" But yeah,
I'm going to allow it.
Well, you know what?
If you're trying to
freak me out about
spending Thanksgiving...
Slapsgiving.
at your place,
then you failed.
Truth is, I'm not scared.
Really?
Right. 'Cause you blew it.
The worst part about
getting slapped is not knowing
when it's going to happen.
But now I know exactly
when I'm gonna get slapped.
So, you took
all the suspense out.
You showed your hand.
And Thursday at 3:01 p.m.,
your face
is going to show my hand.
Oh, there's Bob!
By the way, heads up,
he's a little bit
older than us.
How old is he?
He's 41.
Hey, Bob! Over here!
Okay, kids,
the truth is, Bob probably
looked like this...
Hey, sweetie.
Hi.
But when your ex
is dating someone new,
your mind tends to
accentuate their flaws.
This is how I saw Bob...
Hey, dudes,
what's cracking?
Hey.
Hey, man, how are you?
Good to meet you.
Sorry I'm late.
I just got off the phone
with my parents.
Parents?
They were totally on my case,
"What are you gonna do
with your life?
You're 41."
And I'm like, "Chillax.
Snowboarding
is a legit career.
"You ought to be stoked
I found my bliss."
And speaking of bliss,
sugar me, baby.
Let's go get a drink.
Wow.
Unbelievable!
Robin is dating
Orville Redenbacher.
What are you talking about?
He's 41. He looks great.
Yeah, dude,
he's in pretty
good shape.
Could probably
kick your ass.
How are you guys
not seeing this?
He's 150, Robin's 27.
Barney, come on,
what do you got?
Nothing but respect
for that man.
Oh, by the way,
we're all baking pies
at Robin's tomorrow.
Marshall can't be trusted
in the apartment
with pies overnight.
For the millionth time,
sleepeating is a very serious
and delicious
medical condition.
Hey, what time are you guys
going to Robin's?
7:30.
Perfect.
Just to be safe,
I'll get there
at like 8:00, 8:30.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Hey.
Where are
Marshall and Lily?
They just called.
They're both super-swamped
preparing for tomorrow.
Is Bob coming?
No, he went to see
Green Day.
So it's...
Just the two of us.
just the two of us.
Making pies.
Pies.
The things that friends
make together.
Yeah, they do.
Yeah.
Great. Great.
Yeah.
Well, this is great.
It'll give us a chance
to catch up.
Yeah.
I'm going to
make a phone call.
I'll preheat the oven.
Hey, it's me.
Listen, you have to
come over here
and make pies.
Yeah, I'll be there,
absolutely.
Oh, awesome,
you're a lifesaver.
It's still kind of weird
being alone with Robin.
But if you were here...
Hey, say no more.
I mean, when I pulled you
out of that burning wreckage,
I wasn't doing it
to have a battleship
named after me.
But if you insist,
yes, I'll be there
for the christening.
You're hitting on someone
right now, aren't you?
No, I'm not going to
wear the Medal of Honor.
That would just be tacky.
So, you're not coming
to make pies?
No, no.
thank you, Mr. President.
Sorry.
After a very long night,
it was finally
the big holiday.
Sorry, the two big holidays.
Oh, Marshall,
are you working on
the cranberry sauce?
In a minute, baby.
I've only got so many hands.
You see what
I got going on here?
They're turkeys,
but they're also hands,
because later,
we're gonna eat turkey
and then, I'm gonna
slap you in your face.
Please! You took out
all the suspense.
In a horror movie,
the killer does not grab
a bullhorn and announce,
"Attention,
unsupervised teens here
at the lake house.
"At precisely 3:00 a.m.,
I'm gonna jump out
of that closet right there
"and hack you all up
with a machete.
"P.S. Fire is
my one weakness."
Hey, Ted.
Hey, Happy Thanksgiving.
You, too.
Is Lily in the kitchen?
Yep.
Great.
Marshall?
Lily?
Yeah?
Something really weird
happened last night.
What do you mean
something weird
happened last night?
You may not realize this,
but since we broke up,
Robin and I
have never really been
alone together.
So we're in the kitchen,
starting on the pies,
and we realize
we don't have a damn thing
to say to each other.
I mean, you can't talk about
how close you used to be.
You can't talk about
how close you're not now.
You just feel like
everything you say is gonna
make things worse.
Exactly.
And you know why?
Because you don't want to
hurt someone
you really care about,
especially around
the holidays.
I mean, what decent
human being
would want to cause
any kind of emotional
or physical pain...
You're still getting slapped.
I wanted to leave,
but I couldn't stick her
with making
all the pies by herself.
She was exhausted.
I yawned like a million times
trying to get him to leave.
Yeah, some people
just can't take a hint.
By the way,
I'm really
swamped in here.
I kept looking at the clock
and sighing.
Totally clueless!
I'm not sure I have time
to mash those potatoes
you're standing right next to.
And then, Ted does the thing
that he always does
when there's
an awkward silence.
Yup. Masher's right there,
next to the pot.
He panics, and says
the first thing
that pops into his head.
Hey, did you know
that the first pies
in recorded history
came from ancient Egypt?
Remember last year's
Thanksgiving,
when we had sex
seven times?
Terrible.
What? I thought
it would break the ice.
I'd already broken the ice
with my cool pie fact.
Then he makes it
10 times more awkward.
How do you respond
to something like that?
Did you know that
the Egyptian pyramids
can be seen from space?
Probably?
The oven's preheated!
Okay.
The pecan pie
is gonna take the longest.
Why don't we put
that one in first?
Pecan pie?
Why are we making that?
It's my favorite.
You're allergic.
I know.
I just like smelling it.
It's like
eating with your nose.
So, we're making a pie
for Bob.
Well... Yeah.
She's got you
making pies for this guy?
Yeah.
Wow.
That is a real slap
in the face.
You know, you could
have just told me
it was for Bob.
Yeah, I just thought
it might upset you.
Upset me? Wait a second.
Do you think that...
Do you think
that I'm jealous of Bob?
I don't know.
Is it so ridiculous to think
that you might be?
Yes.
Why?
Because he's
a thousand years old.
No. Ted.
What are you doing?
Right?
The only reason
I'm jealous of Bob
is that we can only
talk about
the first Thanksgiving,
but he was actually there.
Come on.
The only reason I'm jealous
of Bob is because
I heard Noah gave him
shotgun in the ark.
Ted...
The only reason
I'm jealous of Bob
is that
I'm just an architect,
but he discovered fire.
How do you top that?
He's 41!
Why are you mashing on him
so hard?
I'm not.
I'm just joking around.
That's what friends do.
It's mean.
Well, how come
we're all allowed to
bust on Barney
when he dates
some skanktron,
but when you sleep
with the
Crypt Keeper's dad,
I'm not allowed
to say a word?
First of all, Bob and I
are not sleeping together.
We're just dating.
Secondly, have I said
one word about the parade
of dubious conquests
you've been marching past me
the last few months?
One of whom got you
a butterfly tattoo?
Hey, that is...
And if you and I
are such good friends,
why is baking a pie
for Bob so weird?
Yeah, if you and I
are such good friends,
why couldn't you just tell me
that's what we were doing?
Okay, maybe we should talk
about this later.
I should get going.
Well, what are we doing?
It's Thanksgiving.
I know. I'm sorry.
This is stupid.
I'm sorry, too.
Of course we're friends.
I'm glad we're friends.
Me, too.
Mmm...
You guys
slept together
last night?
You guys slept together
last night?
That is a terrible idea!
Horrible idea.
Relapse five!
That's where we high-five,
then it's awkward
for a little bit...
And then
we high-five again!
What the hell
are you doing?
Let's review.
You and Ted broke up
six months ago.
Yup.
You're dating
another man...
You are correct, sir.
who's coming
to my Thanksgiving today.
That is a truth-fact.
An event
Ted is also attending.
Kablamow.
Why are you trying
to destroy
American Thanksgiving?
Oh, Lily, it's not as bad
as it sounds.
Bob and I
aren't that serious,
and what happened last night
with Ted was a fluke.
Well, did you guys
at least talk about it?
There's office material...
I hear
something burning...
Clearly, we need to
ignore this.
Clearly, we need to
talk about this.
You know?
To save the friendship.
You know?
To save the friendship.
Hi.
We need to talk...
Stuffed mushroom?
We need to talk about
last night.
Did you know that some
mushrooms are carnivorous?
Probably?
Not?
Ted, can we please
just deal with this?
Look, I'm not mad.
I just think...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why would you be mad?
You started it!
What? You're crazy!
We called a truce,
we hugged,
and when I tried to pull away,
you kept your hand on my neck.
Only because your hand
was still around my waist.
Oh, come on!
You leaned into it.
I leaned into it?
Yeah.
You're like the crappy kid
in Little League
who knows he's not going to
make contact, so he just...
"Oops, I got hit
by the pitch.
Better take my base."
That was you
in Little League,
wasn't it?
My on-base percentage
was off the charts!
Oh, no!
The slappetizers.
You know what?
That's it!
This is Thanksgiving.
Solve this, right now.
And if you have sex again,
neither of you gets dessert!
Oh, what the hell
kind of Thanksgiving
is this, anyway?
Most Thanksgivings.
Don't stress, baby.
I'll try to find us
something relaxing.
Thanks, baby.
Some classical music,
maybe.
Oh, my! Look at that.
That means
we're in the final hour
of the countdown.
I'm not scared.
Then why is your
right cheek twitching?
It's not...
Maybe it's because future me
slaps future you so hard,
it reverberates
back to the present,
shattering the time-slap
continuum.
Please don't slap me.
I'm sorry, what?
Oh, God! Don't slap me again!
I don't want to
get slapped again,
and the first two times
hurt so bad.
I don't like it!
I don't like it one bit!
I thought I ruined it
by putting a clock
on it, Barney.
Well, you didn't ruin it.
You made it so much worse!
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I've lost 10 pounds.
My suits are wearing me.
You know what?
I'm out of here.
Well, no, no, no.
You can't leave.
Why can't I?
Nowhere in the rules
does it say
that I have to sit through
this sort of mental torture!
You're allowed to
slap my face, sir,
but you are not allowed
to slap my mind!
Good day!
But it's Slapsgiving.
No!
It's Thanksgiving!
Our first one
as a married couple,
as grownups,
and you're not even trying
to be a part of it!
None of you are!
So, as Slap Bet Commissioner,
I'm issuing a ruling.
Thanksgiving
is a day of peace.
There will be
no slaps today!
What?
Yes! In your face!
Not my face, your face!
What's up, dudes?
Hey, Bob.
Baby, please...
No!
The Slap Bet
Commissioner's word
is final,
so, get in the kitchen
and mash some potatoes, now!
And for the rest
of the day,
we are going to enjoy
a civilized,
grownup holiday.
Not too grownup.
I made Jell-O shots.
We's gonna get
silly, bitches.
Look at us!
We can't be alone together,
can we?
Apparently not.
What does that mean?
We're supposed
to be friends.
We aren't friends,
are we?
Not really.
We avoid each other.
We smile politely.
We're two people
who pretend to be friends,
because it would be
inconvenient not to.
Well, maybe we should
stop pretending.
Maybe we should.
So, what do we do now?
I suppose we eat dinner.
Yeah.
And then that's it.
Okay.
Happy Thanksgiving.
So, we sat down
to our first Thanksgiving
together as a group,
and, apparently, our last.
Marshall, you're not eating.
Did something
spoil your slappetite?
No, I just thought,
before we eat,
maybe the chef would like
to say a few words.
Nope. This sucks.
Eat up and leave.
Well, then,
I'd like to say something,
if that's cool?
Um...
Today, Lily did
something great.
Not only did she gather us
all here together
and cook a delicious meal,
but she also started
a new tradition.
We're gonna do this
again next year,
and the year after that,
maybe for
the rest of our lives.
I think that's pretty amazing,
if you think about it.
And it's all
thanks to you, Lily.
I love you.
So, to the first of many
Thanksgivings together.
This is rad!
A nice, small,
simple Thanksgiving.
I'm the youngest
of ten in my family,
so our Thanksgiving
is a mess.
All the yelling
and the screaming...
And then
a funny thing happened.
It's really
a major buzz-kill.
Major Buzz-kill.
Oh, no.
I thought we were
done with that.
I guess we're not.
Guess we're not.
You see, kids,
friendship
is an involuntary reflex.
It just happens.
You can't help it.
That first Thanksgiving
turned out
to be a wonderful dinner
with the four people
I loved most in the world.
And Bob.
And it did become a tradition.
That's why, every year,
we go to
Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's
for Thanksgiving.
Hey, check it out!
We're in the last 20 seconds
of Marshall's
countdown to nothing.
Barney, put it away.
How does it feel, Marshall,
to sit there, impotently,
your large, flaccid hand,
just dangling in the wind?
The slap will occur in 10...
Classy touch, dude.
Too bad!
nine... eight... seven...
Barney, put it away.
six...
I will in five, four...
five... four...
You can slap him.
three...
What? Wait, you...
two...
One.
That's three!
Thanks, baby,
you're the best.
And as a special,
added bonus,
I've composed a song
just for this occasion.
Ted, lights!
in your place
on the side of your face
rush to your cheek
to fill your eyes
are tremblin'
you're tryin'
my friend
just happened
and clapped
Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.
Well, guys, have fun.
This is gonna be
a major cleanup.
Major Cleanup.
Oh, man,
we're gonna be doing this
all the time,
now, aren't we?
That's the general idea.
General Idea.
Oh, no.