Kids, back in 2007,
it seemed like
everyone belonged
to these silly things
called gyms.
The idea was,
you'd pay them lots of money
to run around
and lift heavy things.
Biggest rip-off in the world,
and yet people fell for it.
Including me.
Oh, forgot my wallet.
It started with
one of those moments
when you realize
you're not as in shape
as you want to be.
It's further
than it looks.
Coupon's on my dresser.
It's too far. Forget it.
Please don't judge me.
I wound up shame-eating
the whole pizza.
I woke up all greasy
and sweaty.
My sheets looked like
what they wrap
deli sandwiches in.
Maybe I should join a gym.
Do you go to a gym?
Well, I go to
Total Rip Fitness,
but I don't work out there.
What do you do?
I invest.
Look.
There goes one of
my investments now.
Cheryl, hard work's
paying off.
Keep up the good work.
So, your investments
are women?
Yes.
Women who...
How shall I put this
delicately?
They fat!
So, I come here,
give them lots of
attention now.
Then, when they get hot,
who's the first guy
they run to?
The one who
invested in them
when they weren't.
Wow.
I can't decide
if I'm thoroughly disgusted
or really,
really impressed.
Of course,
not all investments
pay dividends.
See the girl over there
at the vending machine,
Tanya?
She is one Kit Kat away
from junk bond status.
Hey, Barney.
Becky, elliptical machine's
really working for you.
Nice stuff.
That one's going to
reward shareholders soon.
I foresee
aggressive growth
in my future. What up?
Wow, that makes me
want to join a gym,
so I can get super-strong
and punch you
really hard in the face.
Yes, we should all do it.
Yeah, let's all punch
Barney in the face.
No, I'm serious.
We should
totally join a gym.
Come on, we put on
the beer weight together,
might as well
take it off together.
Or we could just
stop drinking beer.
No. I say we join a gym.
No, let's join a gym.
Are you Marshall?
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Trish.
I'm the trainer
you signed up for.
Oh, hi.
Really great to
meet you, Trish.
It's a pleasure.
Marshall, can I talk to you
for a second?
Sure.
Great.
Just a second.
Sweetie, I think she's maybe
just a little too hot
to be your trainer.
I get it. I mean,
I see what
you're worried about.
But this is just about me
taking care of myself.
You'll always be
my sugar.
So, Marshall, are you ready
to make a commitment
to your body?
Please, I'm all about
committing to my body.
I'll drive to Vermont
and have a commitment ceremony
to my body, if you want.
That was
a weird thing to say.
All right.
Start with 100 push-ups.
All right, cool.
How many
do you want me do?
A hundred.
Oh, I thought that was
a figure of speech,
"A hundred push-ups,"
like,
"Do a bazillion push-ups."
No one can do 100.
Do you smell that?
No.
It smells like
there's a little bitch
in my gym.
Are you being a little bitch
in my gym?
No.
Then get on the floor
and give me 100!
You didn't have to
yell at me.
I love it here.
It's just normal women
who want to get in shape.
I don't have to
put on makeup, do my hair,
wear some trendy outfit.
Yeah, this place
is great.
We're meeting
our friend Robin here.
I hope you don't hate her.
She's pretty hot.
Shut up.
Lily, tell him
to shut up.
I'm sorry,
lesbian prison guard,
do we know each other?
Ted, Lily,
you'll never believe
what just happened.
Oh, hey, dude,
I'm Barney.
So, I was at
the smoothie bar...
What can I get you?
Oh, my God. Rhonda?
It's Barney.
Barney Stinson, from
Staten Island Boulevard.
Hey, Barney Stinson
from Staten Island
Boulevard.
What can I get you?
I can't believe
she didn't remember me.
Why? Who is she?
That's Rhonda.
I lost my virginity to her.
Baby, are you
still sore?
Trish made me do 70 push-ups,
but she only
gave me credit for 10.
Then, she had me do
100 sit-ups,
and then she made me cry,
using only her words.
It just doesn't add up.
How could Rhonda
not remember me?
Well, maybe it wasn't
that good for her.
I mean,
it was your first time.
Ted, it's me.
I rocked her world.
You don't believe me?
Okay, story time.
The year was 1998.
I'd been going out
with Shannon since
freshman year of college.
We were saving ourselves.
So, when we broke up,
there I was,
23 and still a virgin.
I knew nothing about girls.
So I went to the guy
who knew
everything about girls,
my brother James.
Wait, your gay brother
James?
Yeah, this was before
he was gay.
Barney... Barney, you need to
find a girl and
have sex with her, ASAP:
That is what dudes do
after a breakup.
I know.
I want to, but I guess
I'm just scared.
Of course you're scared.
It's gross.
The thought of doing that
with a woman...
But it's part of
being a guy.
Try thinking
about baseball.
Somehow, I imagine
those players on the field
and it's over a lot faster.
But I don't know
the first thing about
seducing a woman.
What do you... How do you...
Where do you...
Stop. Don't overthink it.
You don't want to
get the yips.
The yips?
Yeah, when you overthink
simple things so much
that you can't do
them at all.
The yips!
Yeah, it happens
to athletes all the time.
Like, the second baseman
who suddenly
can't throw to first,
or the figure skater
who does
a perfect triple toe loop
and then loses it
on the arabesque.
I've actually really been
getting into
figure skating lately.
But, James.
What woman's gonna want to
have sex with me?
It's not like
I'm a Backstreet Boy.
The Man Maker.
Rhonda "Man Maker"
French was our mom's friend
from down the street.
Got any kings?
Go fish.
So, Patty, know that
new paperboy?
I let him throw one
into my hedges,
if you know what I mean.
Did you see that new guy
who cleans my pool?
I let him snake my drain,
if you know what I mean.
You know that Chinese
food delivery boy?
I had sex with him.
I don't have a funny way
of saying it yet.
It just happened
20 minutes ago.
Of course.
The Man Maker.
And it'll be easier, too,
'cause she knows me
so well.
Hi, Barry.
Barney.
Hi, Ms. French.
I know we haven't
seen each other for a while,
but if there was
any chance... Oh, boy!
Wow, you just
rocked my world.
That was the best sex
I ever had.
That was the night
I was born.
I rose like a phoenix
from her mentholated bosom
and strode into the world,
Armani-clad
and fully awesome.
God, please let me stop!
Yes, great, let's stop.
Let's just kick back
and wait for
the massive coronary
you're going to have
a couple years from now,
when you're 40.
I'm 29.
Fifty more!
Hi, sweetie.
I got a trainer, too.
This is Max.
We're going to focus
on flexibility.
Yeah, I'm gonna
stretch her out.
Great. Wait, what?
Fifty more. Now!
Hey.
Okay.
Well, that's not cool.
You know, Rhonda,
running into you
really got me thinking
about the old days.
You were quite popular.
I sure got around
back then.
And there was one young man
who stood out above the pack.
Freddy Shiba Tony,
that kid had a tongue
like a gecko.
No, no, I was thinking
about someone else.
Chaz Alderman.
Hips like a woman,
but he knew how to use them.
What about me?
You?
Yes, we slept together.
And you said I was the best
you ever had.
Did I?
Right.
About that...
And tell him
that he's the best
you ever had.
Oh, I don't know.
He's just a kid.
No, he isn't.
He's 23 and he is
really hurting, Rhonda.
Please.
Maybe we could
make a deal.
What?
No, girl, I got a girlfriend.
Yeah, hers is
the only vagina for me.
Oh, I love it.
It isn't scary at all.
Well, too bad.
I guess your brother's
going to stay a virgin.
Fine.
Reggie Jackson,
Reggie Jackson.
But those compliments
you gave me.
Wow, you just
rocked my world.
That was the best sex
I ever had.
But you said
I rocked your world.
All subsequent worlds
that I rocked
were only so rocked
because of the confidence
I earned
from said
first world-rocking.
Sorry, Barry.
It's Barney.
So I'm doing sit-ups,
and she says,
"All right, Marshall,
just one more set."
So I summon all my strength
and I do that set,
and then she says,
"Give me another set."
So, I'm like,
"Is this the last set?"
And she says, "Yes."
So I do that set,
and then she says,
"Give me another set."
She lied to my face!
Everything hurts.
Baby, the whole point
of working out
is to feel better.
This trainer is
making you miserable.
You have to
call her and quit.
I gotta work through it.
I gotta finish
what I started.
If you're too scared,
I can call her.
Her number's on this card.
Hi. Is this Trish?
This is Marshall's wife.
Listen, we have
a problem here,
and it's you.
I don't know
who the hell you think
you are,
but from now on,
you don't tell Marshall
what to do.
You are an employee.
We tell you what to do.
And I'm telling you,
you're fired, bitch.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay, bye.
You better
get down there, baby.
She's pretty pissed.
Hey, buddy.
Still bummed about
the whole Rhonda thing?
No. Why would I let
the approval of one woman
define who I am...
That's very mature
of you, Barney.
Let him finish.
when I can let
the approval of a gaggle
of supermodels
define who I am.
What? What?
Three tickets to
the after-party
of the Victoria's Secret
fashion show?
Lily, could I go?
Go. You're too sore
to do anything, anyway.
Okay. This, boys, is not
a regular season game.
This is the World Series.
So, remember,
we work together.
We're a team.
And if anyone
sees Heidi Klum, dibs.
Target acquired.
Dig deep.
Excuse me.
Hey, it's a nice party,
huh?
Yeah, it's great.
Do you guys
work for the company?
Yeah, it's called
"I'm Gonna Get
in Your Panties Incorporated."
Gross!
Dude!
I don't know.
That was terrible.
I am so sorry.
Wait a minute, it's okay.
It's okay. It's fine.
It's a numbers game. I'm cool.
Model... Model.
Hi.
I know, right?
This party is legen...
Wait for it...
How long do we
have to wait for it?
I think
he's having a stroke.
What is the matter
with me?
I don't know.
Wait, wait, wait.
You don't think I have
the yips, do you?
No, no, no, relax.
There's
Alessandra Ambrosio.
English is
her second language.
Even if you screw up,
she'll never know.
Hi.
Those are
very nice honkers.
Honkers? I don't know
this word.
Do you want to
go dance?
I'm talking about
those things.
Oh, no, I can't have the yips.
I can't have the yips.
Not here. Not now.
This is me.
It's Barney, Barney!
Heidi Klum! This is perfect.
I can do this.
Thanks for coming.
Heidi Klum, I'm Barney.
Hi, Barney.
Nice to meet you.
Is he okay?
He has the yips.
Hasn't been able to
hit on a woman all night.
He has the yips?
That's bad.
You know in Germany,
we call this...
That is bad.
I don't know
what's happened to me.
I've totally
lost my confidence.
Barney, maybe you have to
open up to somebody.
Maybe you have to
open up to some...
He just found out
that the woman
he lost his virginity to
only did it
because his brother
bribed her.
That's a rough one.
I mean, the only thing
I can think of
to get rid of...
is, you have to
go out there,
and you need to
find that woman,
and you need to earn it
with her for real.
That is the only way
how you can find yourself.
I see little hamburgers!
I love little hamburgers.
I just made out
with Heidi Klum.
What?
Ted, just... Okay?
Come in.
Hi, Rhonda.
Hi, kiddo.
Surprised to see you here.
So... Hey... Maybe...
How about... Sex?
Let's sex.
What are you talking about?
I'm watching
Wheel of Fortune.
You can keep watching.
I'll face you toward the TV.
That's a cute idea, kid.
Great.
No, I'm not having sex
with you.
Sit down a minute.
I'm not the "Man Maker"
anymore.
You know what?
About five years ago,
I realized
there was an emptiness
inside of me
that no amount
of meaningless sex
could fill.
I needed something more.
And that's when I discovered
Indian casinos.
Hey, Barney.
It's weird
not seeing you in a suit.
What's going on?
Not much.
My entire sexual history
was built on
a rotting foundation of lies.
My whole identity is lost
in a pit of menthol ashes.
Work is good.
I'm never going back
to that gym again.
Today at work,
I had to have an intern
rip up my bagel
and put little pieces
in my mouth.
Yeah, I'm done there, too.
That place is horrible.
What about
your big, muscular trainer
who's so into
stretching you out?
Yeah, well, turns out
that guy had no affiliation
with the gym whatsoever.
Come on, guys.
Don't give up on the gym.
It's been great for us.
Like today,
Robin and I had
a really nice moment.
Robin. Hey, I just wanted
to come over and thank you.
Thank me for what?
Well, you know
how it's hard
for exes to be friends,
because there's this
lingering sexual tension
between them?
Gone. Thank you.
You know,
for all the crap
you've given me,
I haven't seen you
work up a sweat there once.
That's not true.
I was there today.
Yeah, but didn't
you leave early?
Oh, great.
Now I gotta go home
and charge this.
Wait a minute.
You didn't work out
Tuesday, either.
Brought the wrong shorts.
Yeah, and you totally
disappeared on Monday, too.
No, I was at the gym
the whole time.
Oh, I love this gym.
Lily, help me bend down
these three fingers.
Actually,
I have an idea.
Do it! Come on!
Do it, you
worthless piece of crap!
Please! Please,
I just want to go home.
Come on.
This is your last set!
You said that last time!
Gone.
Hey!
Rhonda.
I saw your friend Ted
at the gym.
After he puked
and cleared the line
at the smoothie bar,
he said you were
kind of
having a tough time.
Did you change your mind
about having love,
making sex,
penis, vagina.
What is the matter with me?
Oh, honey...
I just, I don't get it.
You slept with so many guys.
You slept with my brother.
We are practically
the same person.
Was I really so bad?
Nobody's good
the first time.
But I was.
At least,
I thought I was.
Barney, you know what?
Sex isn't everything.
When is the last time
you had a conversation
with a woman
with no intention
of scoring with her?
I sat next to
former Secretary of State,
Madeleine Albright,
at a benefit once.
I certainly didn't
intend to hit that.
Yeah, well,
I'll tell you what,
sleeping with me again
isn't gonna solve anything.
I don't know
what else is.
I think I know.
Do you have any kings?
No, go fish.
See, Barney,
isn't it nice to just sit
and have an evening
with a woman, no agenda?
Just make nice conversation?
No.
Yeah, kind of sucks,
doesn't it?
Oh, my God, Barney,
you really did
just rock my world.
That was amazing.
And I'm not lying.
I know you're not
lying, baby.
And it was good for you?
It was the best sex
I've ever had.
Later.
Daddy's back.
Hey, buddy,
how's it going?
Hey! Pretty good.
Pretty good.
I can move my legs now,
and I can lift my arms
this high.
Yeah, you know,
I feel like I have
more energy.
Yeah.
It was hard at first,
but now if I go a day
without working out,
I miss it.
I'm proud of us, guys.
But the first week
is the hardest.
We're over the hump.
Joining that gym was
the best decision
we ever made.
And we never went back
to the gym again.