Oh, my God!
I have a tattoo.
Oh, that's not a tattoo.
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.
A tramp stamp.
Kids, too often in life,
we make decisions that
we're not prepared
to live with.
This is a story
about those decisions,
and the consequences
that follow.
Say goodbye, kids,
'cause it won't be around
much longer.
Oh, but Ted,
if you get rid
of the butterfly,
how's everyone
gonna know
you're a stripper from Reno
with daddy issues?
Yes, yes, enjoy
these final moments
of mockery.
Because in just 10
surprisingly
expensive sessions,
Stella is gonna zap that
butterfly right off
the face of my lower back.
Stella?
Dr. Stella Zinman.
She's the best
in the business.
And she's rather cute.
In fact, we're going to
a movie together tonight.
What?
I asked her out.
Ted, why would
you do that?
What's the matter
with you?
What? What do you mean?
Dude...
Don't poop where you eat.
Oh, no,
this doesn't count.
If it's someone you see
on a regular basis,
and you can't avoid them...
And in this case,
you're paying them,
then yes, it counts.
Ted, you've heard
of the golden rule, right?
"Love thy neighbor?"
Actually, it's "Do unto others
as you would have
them do unto you."
It's from the Bible.
Damn it, Ted,
I've worked out
this whole thing
where the golden rule is
"Love thy neighbor,"
so just... Okay?
Now, the golden rule is,
"Love thy neighbor."
But there's
one rule above it,
the platinum rule.
"Never ever, ever,
ever love thy neighbor."
Well, that's cute.
But she's not my neighbor,
she's my doctor.
So, if you'll excuse me...
Wait, Ted,
Barney has a point.
Remember what happened
with me and Curt
down at the station?
Oh, yeah, and remember
what happened to us
and the Girards
across the hall?
Need I remind you about me
and Wendy the waitress?
Yeah, I don't have time
for this.
I'm out the door
as soon as I'm finished
with my hair.
Good, then we've got
a solid half-hour.
And in that time,
we will convince you not to
set foot out that door.
It's a story
older than time,
my friend.
And it always plays out
in the same eight steps.
Step one. Attraction.
It's true.
That's not even possible.
Twelve of them.
No way.
Hi, Barney.
Here's your gin and tonic.
Hey. Thanks.
Oh, gosh. Look at that.
Hi. You must be
our new neighbors.
I'm Michael.
And I'm Laura.
Oh, hi. Welcome to
the building. Yeah.
Do you guys know
any good brunch places
around here?
We love brunch!
You must be Robin.
Yeah.
Curt "the Ironman" Irons.
I'm gonna be doing sports.
Oh. Welcome.
You look really familiar.
Are you a former athlete?
Hockey.
The attraction is instant
and undeniable.
But you know better.
You've seen your friends
make the same mistakes
before.
You've laughed
smugly at them.
Idiots!
But still, you think,
"This is different.
The platinum rule
doesn't apply to me."
And that's step two.
Bargaining.
I think I've got
a little crush
on our sports guy.
No, don't do it.
No, no.
I know, I know.
But he used to play hockey,
and I'm a Canadian.
I can't help it.
If he were missing some teeth,
I probably
would've already hit that.
Robin, it's a mistake.
Remember what happened
with me and Marshall?
The Girards across the hall?
Michael and Laura.
They're awesome!
We're gonna invite them
over for dinner.
No! No! Really?
Are you insane?
Guys, guys, guys,
this is New York City.
You don't get close
to the neighbors.
You nod at them politely
in the hall.
You call the cops
if you haven't
seen them in a while
and you smell
something funny,
and that is it.
We're not gonna date them.
We're just gonna
be friends with them.
That's the couples' version
of dating.
And you've got
the couples' version
of the hots for them.
Oh yeah, you wanna
eat brunch with them.
You want to browse
at Pottery Barn with them.
You wanna go antiquing
with them, don't you?
Oh yeah, you want
to antique the crap
out of them!
Need I remind you
what happened with me
and Wendy the waitress?
I've decided to seduce
Wendy the waitress.
No!
Don't do it!
Request denied!
What rule is there
that says I can't
seduce the waitress
at my favorite bar?
I don't know,
I'd expect you to have
one already.
Yeah, with some sort of
catchy name.
Well, I don't.
I don't have one,
and I never will,
because it's a great idea.
Come on, guys.
She's gullible.
I'm bored.
We're perfect
for each other.
Barney, we love this bar.
If you screw over
Wendy the waitress,
you're going to kill the bar.
Bar-killer.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
Yeah, well,
I think it'll be okay.
And it was
a huge mistake.
Yeah, well,
I think it'll be okay.
And it was
a huge mistake.
Yeah, well,
I think it'll be okay.
And it was
a huge mistake.
Yeah, well,
I think it'll be okay.
Ted, trust me,
you don't want to
do this.
Look, Stella and I
are both adults.
We're both smart,
mature people
capable of making
good decisions.
You have
a butterfly tramp stamp.
We're just seeing a movie.
If it seems at all weird,
I'll back off.
That's what everyone thinks.
And then along
comes step three.
Submission.
Night.
Hey, Barney.
Carl had to take off.
You mind giving me a hand?
Not at all.
Robin.
I got two tickets
to the Rangers, center ice.
Want to go?
And then we discover
the movers
lost all our kitchen boxes.
We don't have
a single pot or pan.
I guess we're
ordering take-out.
Want to have dinner
with us tonight?
I love them!
Me, too!
Hello.
That was an interesting
use of the beverage gun.
Club soda
can get anything off.
It finally happened.
All this time,
every drink
I brought you...
I always felt
there was this unspoken
connection between us.
And I was right.
Hey, can I get
a gin and tonic?
See, I bet you didn't pay
for that gin and tonic.
Oh, I paid for it.
But you gotta admit,
there is an upside to
breaking the platinum rule.
Like maybe as her boyfriend,
I could get
a discount on treatments.
Oh, Ted.
Of course there's an upside,
at first.
That's step four. Perks.
We can split a cab
to work together.
We always have
a standing lunch date.
And last night,
at the hockey game,
Curt got us into
the locker room,
and I met Mason Raymond.
Left wing for
the Vancouver Canucks.
What's the opposite
of name-dropping?
Damn it, you guys.
Be psyched.
Yes, we see
each other every day,
but I think
it's going really well.
That's what we thought.
And it's so convenient.
They're right
across the hall.
Say it's Sunday,
and we want to have
a brunch double date
with someone?
We just go
across the hall.
And say we want to
have a dinner party
exploring the wine
and cuisine of
France's Loire Valley?
We just go
across the hall.
Say we want to play
a game of charades...
You just go
across the hall?
Come on, people.
Get excited for us.
We've got a great thing
going here.
That's what I thought.
Dude, you got to
flip it.
You don't...
Hi, sweetie.
I had the kitchen
whip these up,
no charge.
Okay. Bye.
I mean, not bye.
I'm not leaving.
I'll be over there.
Okay.
Come on, guys. Free nachos.
What?
We like this bar.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
Nay, we love this bar.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
This bar is like home to us.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
You're killing the bar!
I am not killing the bar.
Wendy the waitress has seen
how I operate in this place.
It is perfectly clear
to everyone involved
that this is nothing more
than a temporary fling.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
It's fine.
But it wasn't.
Which brings us
to step five.
The Tipping Point.
but he should be back
on the mound
by spring training.
And that's sports.
Back to you, Robin.
Thanks, Ironman.
We'll be right back.
And clear.
So, you want to
do something later?
Oh, so you're
talking to me now?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about
last night.
You said you'd call,
and you didn't.
I missed you
and I waited up,
but you didn't call.
That really hurt.
I'm sorry,
I guess I just forgot.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I don't want to
fight tonight.
It's our first
weekiversary.
On my suggestion, you...
Hey, Wendy.
Do me a favor
and send a glass
of champagne
to that pretty young thing
over there.
What?
Over there.
You.
You're the pretty young thing,
is what I meant.
Champagne?
Would you? On me.
Oh, okay.
Thanks, sweetie.
Okay. All right.
Hey, neighbors.
We bought all the fixings
for a Mexican fiesta.
Oh...
Well, we actually
have tickets...
And no fiesta would be
complete without...
Dude, actually,
we made other plans,
so...
Okay. One word.
Two syllables.
Sounds like...
Parade. Charades.
Charades.
What do you say?
Oh, no.
Which brings us
to step six.
Yeah, listen,
I'm leaving.
So if you want to
write the rest of
these down,
I will read it tomorrow.
Don't do this, Ted.
You want to
get out of the way?
Don't do this, Ted.
All right.
Don't...
Dude!
It was perfect!
You're such a jerk!
Which brings us
to step six.
You finally realize
you've made a huge mistake.
And now you have to
live with it.
Step six is called Purg...
Wait for it.
Keep waiting...
Keep waiting
for all of eternity
only to discover
there's no escape ... atory.
God, I'm such an idiot.
Yeah.
Curt "the Ironman" Irons
keeps leaving me
love notes on Post-its.
On the teleprompter,
on my desk,
on the coffeemaker,
on the jar of sugar packets
next to the coffeemaker.
"Here's some sugar
for my sugar."
The Ironman!
I remember that.
God, we are such idiots.
Yup.
Every time
we step out the door,
they're out there,
waiting for us.
Sometimes,
we'll send Ted out first
as a scout.
Nobody's there.
Then we'll go out
one second later,
and there they are.
It's freaking supernatural.
Are they ghosts?
Can only we see them?
"Hey, neighbor."
I remember that.
How could you guys let me
date Wendy the waitress?
Oh, you are kidding me.
What?
Don't kill the bar, dude.
We said, "Don't do it."
My own bar.
I can't hit on women
in my own bar.
Remember the old Barney?
He was a lion,
the king of the jungle,
stalking whatever prey
he chose,
going in for the kill.
You've got a whole
meat locker at home
full of corpses, don't you?
Now look at me.
Declawed. Neutered.
What was once my jungle
is now my zoo.
And I am forced to mate
with the same old lioness
again and again and again,
while families pay to watch.
Yeah, this metaphor's
really falling apart.
Put a bell around my neck
and scratch my belly, kids,
for I am just
a docile housecat now.
Well, we love this bar.
You can't dump her.
Marry her if you have to.
Wendy the waitress-Stinson.
Don't kill the bar, dude.
And so, inevitably,
you have to do the thing
you've been
dreading all along.
Now, a relationshipectomy
is a delicate
surgery as it is,
but in the case
of the platinum rule,
it takes a very, very
steady hand,
and that's step seven.
Confrontation.
Curt, we need to talk.
I like you...
Guys, we like you
a lot...
I don't like you.
We're pretending this works,
but it doesn't.
And I'm getting
a little sick
of the whole charade.
We're getting
a little sick of charades.
I mean, I don't like you
that way.
I used to
like you that way,
but now that I've seen
everything there is to see,
I don't know,
I kind of want to see
those same parts,
just on other girls.
So maybe we could go back
to just being coworkers.
Maybe we should
just go back
to being neighbors.
Other girls and you,
if you're into that.
But the other girls
have to be there, too.
That's the important part.
Gosh, you're just terrified
of ever getting close
to anyone, aren't you?
Or that.
Let's say it's that.
So can I get
a gin and tonic?
And in
any other relationship,
that would be it.
End of story.
But because you have to see
this person again,
there's a step eight.
Fallout.
And now, here's
Curt "the Ironman" Irons
with sports.
Curt?
Well, the Knicks lost.
It's sad, really.
They had a real shot.
Then, out of nowhere,
game over.
And why?
Why, Robin?
Well, their
perimeter shooting
has been
a little bit off
this season...
The Knicks lost because
they were afraid
of getting hurt.
So they didn't even try.
Well, you know what I think?
I think the Knicks
didn't deserve my love
to begin with.
The Knicks suck.
And that's sports.
Do you see anything?
I think we're clear.
Okay, go, go, go!
That was close.
Too close.
You've got to be kidding me!
What do we do?
I have no idea.
Guys, are you there?
I forgot my keys.
Can you open up?
It's just Ted.
Wait!
Hello? Guys?
Baby, we only have
one choice.
Okay, hurry!
Michael and Laura
are probably...
Hey, neighbors.
Yeah...
Barney, I just want
you to know
I have no hard feelings.
It wasn't the best idea
for us to get involved.
I hope we could
still be friends.
Thanks, Wendy.
Of course we can.
If you need anything else,
let me know.
Wow.
I've got to hand it
to Wendy the waitress.
That was very mature
of her.
She's gonna
try to kill me.
This is poisoned.
You're being ridiculous.
Yours is poisoned, too.
She's trying to kill me
and everyone close to me.
What are you talking about?
Ted!
Look at the facts.
I dump her, and she says,
"No hard feelings."
She's a psycho!
What other explanation
is there?
That you're letting yourself
believe she's crazy
so you don't have to
face the far more
likely possibility
that she doesn't want
to date you, either?
Where did Marshall
get that hamburger?
I don't know, I guess
Wendy the waitress
brought it to him.
No!
Dude.
You're welcome.
Wait a second.
You've been sitting here,
pretending to be
the expert on all this,
but the truth is,
the was no real fallout
from your breakup at all?
Yet.
You're an idiot.
All right, I'm taking off.
What?
I have a date.
What?
You're such a jerk!
Ted, have you not
been listening?
Attraction, bargaining,
submission,
perks, tipping point,
purgatory, confrontation,
fallout!
These things
will all happen to you
as surely as
they happened to all of us!
It's a rule of nature!
Well, I'm sick of
all the rules!
There's too many of them!
The hot/crazy scale,
the lemon law,
the platinum rule...
If everyone in the world
followed every one
of your rules,
the human race
would cease to exist.
Yes, chances are,
Stella and I are not going to
live happily ever after.
The overwhelming odds
have it ending badly.
And when that happens,
it'll be for one of
a million possible reasons.
But that doesn't mean
I'm not gonna try.
And when it does fail,
so help me God,
it's not gonna be
because of some rule.
P.S.
You just made my hair
look awesome. Good night.
So Stella and I
went on our date.
But here's the funny thing.
Turns out,
it wasn't actually a date.
So what do you mean,
"It wasn't a date"?
She thought
we were seeing a movie
just as friends.
Why would
she think that?
Did she see your tattoo
and assume you were gay?
Apparently,
there's a rule that says
I can't date Stella.
Exactly, the platinum rule.
Stella reads my blog.
No, this rule comes from
the American
Medical Association.
Doctors aren't
legally allowed to
date their patients.
Oh, sorry, Ted.
It's okay.
What are you guys
watching?
So that was
the end of the story
between me and Stella,
at least for the time being.
But I don't know,
looking back
on the platinum rule,
I think there's a ninth step.
We'll call it coexistence.
It's the moment
you realize
that all that anger
and resentment
just isn't useful.
Thanks for watching.
Good night.
And you start to
let go of it.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
So what do you guys have
going on tonight?
We're going to have
a few friends over.
Gonna play some charades.
Have fun.
And move on with your life.
It just takes a while.
On the house.
Thanks.
Cuckoo!