Kids,
I never would have
met your mother
without a little luck.
Specifically,
the luck of the Irish.
St. Patrick's Day.
The one day of the year
when every young person
in New York goes out
and gets crazy.
Really crazy.
Okay. Maybe not that crazy.
But by 2008,
we'd all had enough.
Well, most of us.
Who wants to kiss
the Barney Stone?
Look it's the Riddler.
That's not the Riddler.
That's Gumby. Hey, Gumby,
can we tie you
in a knot later?
Hey! NBA player sidelined
by a knee injury.
All right,
laugh all you want,
but this is my lucky
St. Patty's Day suit. Yup.
I have dry-cleaned
many a stain off
of this baby.
You know why it's lucky?
'Cause it's green.
The color of go,
as in "Let's."
Barney, we talked
this over
and we're not doing
St. Patty's Day this year.
Come on. Let's...
Are you...
Wow, okay.
I think I got to
lie down.
Can we shoot
pool on you?
No, no!
Unacceptable.
That's so not Raven.
Well, what are you
going to do instead?
We just got the keys
to our new apartment,
so we're gonna go over there
and hang that painting,
have board game night.
You're welcome to
join us if you want.
Board game night?
Board game night.
Come on!
Let's drink green beer.
Let's do
green Jell-O shots.
Where's your
St. Patty's Day spirit?
We're drinking
green tea.
With caffeine.
Sorry, Peter,
we're grown-ups now.
We can't fly off
to Neverland
with you anymore.
All right, fine.
You know what?
I'll celebrate
St. Patty's Day by myself.
I don't need you people.
You make me
physically ill!
He did look
a little green.
Hello?
Hey. Happy
St. Patty's Day.
How are you? Yeah.
I haven't talked
to you forever.
Who is it?
It's Ted's butt.
Damn it! My phone
keeps pocket dialing.
That's like
the 8th time today.
In fairness, I did call
Ted's butt at like
2:00 this afternoon.
It took long enough
to call you back.
Barney? Where are you?
In a cab, heading downtown
with our hot and sexy dates
for the evening.
Yes, it happens
that fast!
We're going to that club,
Low Point,
and you're coming with us.
Barney, for the last time...
All right, I didn't want to
tell you this in front
of Marshall and Lily
because they are old
and married and it's too late
for them anyway.
But, Ted, the world
is going to
come to an end tonight.
Yes, think about it.
End of the world.
Nostradamus.
Notre Dame.
Fighting Irish.
Irish.
St. Patrick's Day.
This is it, bro.
Bro-pocalypse Now.
Bromageddon.
Ted, you are young,
you're single.
You will have
so much more fun with me.
Do you really want to
spend your
last night on Earth
playing board games
with Marshall and Lily?
My hands smell weird.
Smell this.
Yeah, they do,
that's new.
I'll be there
in five minutes.
Yes! All right!
He's in.
Ted is a great guy.
You're going to
love him.
So, on March 17, 2008,
I went to a big
St. Patrick's Day party.
And it's a good thing I did,
because funny story,
your mother was there.
Hi, have you
met Ted?
Hi, I'm Mary.
Hi, happy St. Patty's Day.
I haven't
met Ted either.
I'm Stephanie.
Hi.
Dude, back off.
I called dibs
on Stephanie.
Okay, Mary's hot.
Well, then I want Mary.
Fine.
Oh, I see.
Reverse psychology.
Then I'm sticking
with Stephanie, Dr. Freud.
Okay.
Which one do you want more?
Either one.
I want them both.
You're an idiot.
And it may be
a moot point.
I mean, it doesn't
look like
we're getting in.
Dude...
Look at this.
You know why
there's a line?
It's because I ditched
Marshall and Lily
and now the universe
is punishing us
for it, that's why.
Yo.
What's it going to
cost us to get in here?
$20? $40?
Dude, come on,
you're making
the wee folk look bad.
Just give him
your pot of gold.
Is it just you two?
Don't worry,
we're not gonna
blow your ratio.
We happen to have
two very
hot girls with us.
Mine's the hotter one.
Yeah. Sorry, guys.
Look, if it was just
you two, you can
go in right now.
We got nothing
but girls in there.
People are gonna
start thinking
it's a lesbian bar.
Would you excuse us
for just a minute?
Ted, I'm going to
be honest.
I was full of it
with that whole
Nostradamus thing.
No!
But I am
starting to think
there is some
serious planetary crap
going on here tonight.
Never in the history of
New York City nightclubs
has there been
a shortage of dudes.
Not even during
the great
dude shortage of 1883.
We've got to
ditch these girls.
You dragged them
all the way down here.
I don't see no ring
on this finger.
All right. Hold on.
Excuse me.
Are the girls in there
hotter than our dates?
I don't know
if they're hotter,
but they're drunker.
Rock and roll.
Welcome to your
new dream home,
my lady.
All right, all right.
You can put me down.
Robin thinks we're weird.
No, it's fine.
It was only weird
on the subway.
I'm going to check
the other rooms to see
if the previous owners
left us any free stuff.
I'm gonna hang
our first piece of art.
Oh, look.
There's already a nail.
Hey, Lil, free nail!
Score!
How's that?
Perfect.
Whoops!
What the...
Huh.
Oh. Now, this
is ridiculous.
Is it the nail?
Marshall.
Is the wall slippery
or something?
Marshall.
Is there a wind
or is there some sort
of draft in here?
Marshall.
What?
Your apartment's crooked.
What do you mean?
It was the kind
of thing you didn't notice
until you noticed it.
But once you did notice it,
you couldn't not notice it.
Lily and Marshall's
new apartment was crooked.
Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no!
Oh, no!
Yes.
Are you telling me
that we just spent
our entire life savings
and then some
on a crooked apartment?
Oh, my God!
Oh, she's gonna flip.
Look, just calm down.
It's nothing.
Look what I found
in the kids' room,
free skateboard.
Score. Free
Hungry, Hungry Hippo.
Double score!
I'm going to
check the kitchen.
Okay.
How could
she not notice this?
It's like the last 20 minutes
of Titanic in here.
We have to
keep this quiet.
If Lily finds out
her new dream house
is crooked,
it's gonna
break her heart.
Free salad strainer.
I love this place.
Just for tonight, okay?
Okay.
But it's going to be
an uphill battle.
I am just saying we have to
think of the right angle.
I have a third one,
but I'm not going to say it.
Okay. Barney,
I think we've stumbled
into some kind of
ethical, philosophical
wormhole.
Green suit.
Yeah.
I ditched Marshall and Lily
and was rewarded
with two beautiful girls.
This suit's
made of green.
We bailed on those
two beautiful girls
and now we're
being rewarded with
a sea of beautiful girls.
38 long.
It's like the laws
of the universe
are working in reverse.
Can you put it
on my tab?
Yeah.
What's the last name?
Garido.
All right, I'm going to
try something
and if this works...
Hey.
Hey, what can
I get you guys?
Bottle of Dom Perignon.
And can you
put it on my tab?
Sure. What's the name?
Garido.
Dude.
Oh, yeah. You're right.
Make it two bottles.
Now we wait
and see if
something good...
Oh, hello!
St. Patrick's Day
tradition.
If you're not wearing green,
you gotta get pinched.
Well, I guess
I got what I deserved.
I'm not wearing
green either.
This is deep teal.
The lighting makes it...
Oh, I'm Ted.
Ashlee with two E's.
Please, C's at most.
You know, you guys
should come join me
and my friends.
We have a bottle of
tequila and shockingly
deep belly buttons.
Okay, it's official,
do bad things,
good things happen.
Ted, listen,
are you hearing that?
That's the universe.
The universe
is talking to us.
We don't have to
build a baseball field,
do we?
No, the universe
is telling us that we have
a free pass tonight.
The universe is saying
that we don't have to
live in fear of the...
Are you still there?
Yeah, I'm here.
The repercussions
of our actions.
There is no waiting
for tomorrow because
do you know why, Ted?
There is no tomorrow.
No tomorrow, huh?
By the way,
Mr. Garido,
your second bottle
of champagne
gets you
a complimentary
ounce of caviar.
Enjoy.
No tomorrow!
Hey, wonder
what the grown-ups
are doing right now?
I win again!
Why do I keep winning?
Maybe your hippo
is just hungrier,
hungrier than ours.
That's it.
That's what is.
It's not gravity.
That's for sure.
I'll tell you that.
Whoa!
What was that?
What's going on here?
Okay, Lily.
While you were
in the other room,
Robin and I...
We discovered something
about the apartment.
It's not a big deal.
It's not...
It's not like a disaster.
It's just... It's something
that we're going to
have to learn to live with.
Robin and I saw a ghost.
What?
Oh, he's kidding, right?
No, we really saw a ghost.
What did
it look like?
A sheet with
two holes in it.
He was a Confederate general
who was wounded
at the battle of Antietam
and he died
at the army hospital
which once stood
on this very spot.
And now
he wanders these halls
vowing revenge against
the Union cannonade
that once felled him.
But he seems nice.
He's a good... Good guy.
Marshall, you see ghosts
everywhere.
You see ghosts at Starbucks.
That Kenny G holiday CD
just flew off the shelf.
Last time that happened.
But, Robin, you're a skeptic,
so if you say
you saw a ghost...
It passed right through me
and suddenly I felt cold.
So very cold.
You know, Ashlee...
I'm sorry. You're probably
just gonna want to
get up and walk away,
but I just have to
test out this theory
I've been working on.
Tonight, I'm not looking
for a relationship.
I really just want to
hook up with you,
leave before breakfast
and never see you again.
Hmm.
I'm in.
Unbelievable.
Hot damn,
that's a deep navel!
No tomorrow, Ted!
Yeah.
No tomorrow, Barney.
No tomorrow, huh?
I like that idea.
Because if there is
a tomorrow,
I'm going to be
in a lot of trouble.
Oh, yeah?
Why is that?
I'm married.
Tell me you're messing
with me, guys.
You didn't actually
see a ghost.
It's not a big deal, baby.
He seemed friendly.
You said
he's a Confederate general.
They're the bad guys.
And he's probably racist!
No! He seemed polite.
He had courtly
Southern manners.
We're gonna
raise our kids here.
I don't want some
Confederate general ghost
teaching them his racism!
He loves people
of all colors and creeds.
He was fighting
for states' rights.
That's all.
Robin said he was wearing
a sheet, what do you think
that means?
Robin...
The apartment is crooked!
What?
Robin and I
didn't see a ghost.
The floor is crooked,
isn't it?
Yeah.
We spent our entire
life savings
on this floor.
The next
30 mortgage-paying years
of our lives
will be spent on this floor
and it's crooked!
Thanks a lot, Robin.
How is racist ghost
better than crooked?
Seriously, somebody tell me
how that's better. Please.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
Dude, so I'm having
second thoughts
about that theory.
I'm telling you,
if you want to know
how old a woman is,
check her elbows.
Not that theory.
Well, you have to be
more specific, Ted,
'cause I have
so many theories.
The whole do bad,
good things happen.
Ashlee is married.
So?
What do you mean, "So"?
Open your brain tank, bra,
'cause here comes
some Premium 91
octane knowledge.
There's three rules
of cheating.
It's not cheating
if you're not the one
who's married.
It's not cheating
if her name
has two adjacent vowels.
And it's not cheating
if she's from
a different area code.
You're fine on
all three counts.
How do you know
she's from
a different area code?
She's 516.
She might dress like
she's 718,
act like she's 212,
but trust me,
she is 516.
Oh, and her husband
letting her out alone
on St. Patty's Day,
if that dude's not 973,
I'm 307.
Wyoming.
Oh.
We're gonna have to nail down
all our furniture.
We won't be able
to get a pinball machine.
I mean, unless
we put some books under two
of the legs or something.
But then, what if we wanna
read those books?
This is a nightmare.
We can't raise our kids here.
They'll grow up slanted.
If we have a daughter,
we'll have to call her Ilene.
I don't think
we can live here, Marshall.
I don't know
what we're gonna do.
Marshall? Open the door.
If I make it
to the door,
that's five points.
Yeah!
Five points!
Ten bucks says
I can do it backwards.
So Lily and
Marshall decided to make
the best of a bad situation,
and that's also
how the sport of apartment
roller luge was invented.
Very careful,
very, very...
Oh, yeah!
So she's married.
It's not like
she has kids.
How do you know?
Wrists!
It's like you don't
even listen to me.
Oh, hey. Hey.
Hey. Where'd you go?
Well, I just...
Was it something
I said?
No, no, no, it's just...
Well, you're married
and we've been
drinking and
I was worried we might...
Oh, this is
a very bad idea.
We have a problem.
Hey, hey, hey.
Is this your husband?
I've never seen
this man in my life.
Okay, what's our problem?
Rick, Rick Garido.
According
to the bartender,
I'm the guy
that's been buying you
champagne all night.
Okay, there's
a very simple
explanation.
Next thing I know,
the police show up,
they arrest the other guy
and I'm drinking for free
the rest of the night.
It was awesome!
Awesome, huh?
Yeah.
You don't see
anything wrong
with that story?
Well, I lost my new phone
back at the club somewhere.
What the hell
is wrong with you, dude?
You know me, I lose things.
You kissed
a married woman, Ted.
You committed
credit card fraud.
You kissed a married woman.
Do you know
how offensive that is to me?
You're turning into Barney.
We don't need another Barney.
It's St. Patty's Day!
It wasn't as bad
as it sounds.
It wasn't as bad
as it sounds?
No!
Huh? Okay.
I want you to hear exactly
how it sounds, Ted.
First skipped message.
I don't see no ring
on this finger.
And then last night
started coming back to me.
The real version.
Are the girls in there
hotter than our dates?
I don't know
if they're hotter,
but they're drunker.
Rock and roll.
How many messages
did I...
Seventeen.
Kids, it's sometimes
possible to think
you're doing just fine
in life.
Next message.
Can you put it
on my tab?
Sure.
What's the last name?
Garido.
And then
someone opens your eyes
a little bit
and you realize...
Next message.
I really want to
hook up with you,
leave before breakfast
and then
never see you again.
Your whole world
is off balance.
Next message.
Out of whack.
Okay, look, bra,
there's a very simple...
Crooked.
Wow!
That was hard to listen to.
No one likes how they sound
on an answering machine.
Thanks for doing that.
You yelled at me.
You got very firm with me.
Very confident.
It was cool.
Thanks.
You're very sexy
when you yell, Marshall.
Shut up.
Veins, crazy muscles
in your neck.
You're like
a Kentucky-Derby-
winning steed.
You're ruining
a nice moment.
At one point, I swear,
I thought
we were going to kiss...
Ted, seriously.
I'm married.
Oh, a slanted floor.
Architecturally speaking,
fixing that's gonna be...
Very, very,
very expensive.
And it's going to
take some time too,
so it looks like
you're stuck with us
for a little while longer,
if that's okay.
Are you kidding?
I love it.
I don't know
what's going to happen to me
without you guys around.
Where are you going?
I'm going to get
my stupid phone.
So that was
St. Patrick's Day, 2008.
I found out years later
that your mom
was at that party,
I just didn't meet her.
You know, it's a good thing
I didn't.
Because if I had met her,
I don't think
she would have liked me.
Heck, I don't think
I liked me.
But that's okay.
Tomorrow had arrived.
and there'll be
nothin' to disturb
where to turn
what you learn
You see,
I didn't know it yet,
but my luck
was about to change.
I'm awesome!