Kids, sometimes in life,
you see someone
and you just instantly know,
this is the person for you.
It can happen anywhere.
Even the waiting room
of a tattoo-removal clinic.
And that's what happened
when I met
Stella.
Ah. The butterfly
tramp-stamp.
My bread and butter.
So I'm guessing that
the real story involves
a bad breakup and some booze.
Unless
it's a gang tattoo,
in which case,
I think it's time
to find a new gang.
No, I just thought
it'd be cool to get
a caterpillar tattoo,
and then
a few weeks went by
and all of a sudden...
Well, I can get rid of it
in 10 one-hour sessions,
but I should warn you,
laser surgery's
very painful.
Well, I think you'll find
I have a very high
tolerance for pain.
Just last night,
I sat through the worst
movie ever made.
Oh, Plan 9
from Outer Space?
No, the worst movie,
Hands of Fate.
I'm a doctor,
went to medical school.
It's Plan 9.
If you don't believe me,
it's playing down
at the Pamela Theater.
I don't
believe you, Doctor.
Well, what are you
doing tonight?
Hello. Hey.
Hey, Ted.
Hey, put that away.
Tonight's on me.
Oh, no, no, don't...
Oh, come on,
I insist.
That's so nice.
Thank you.
Hey, guys, this is
my friend Ted.
He wants to pay.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
One, two, three, four.
Is something wrong?
No, it's just...
I'm just a little embarrassed.
I thought this was a date.
But it's no big deal.
Don't worry about it.
What's wrong?
Ted's embarrassed.
He thought
this was a date.
Ted thought
this was a date.
Stella, did you know Ted
thought this was a date?
What? I'm not allowed
to date a patient.
It's an AMA rule.
She's not allowed
to date patients.
It's an AMA rule.
She's not allowed
to date patients.
It's an AMA rule.
She's not allowed
to date...
Yeah, I got it.
We all got it.
Ted's a schmuck.
And you bought
all the tickets.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you were right.
Worst movie-going
experience ever.
Of course, it had
nothing to do
with the movie.
I am so sorry
that you thought
that was a date.
No, it's fine.
I got to hang out with you
on girls' night out.
All right, so if you're
not allowed to date
a patient, I'll just...
I'll wait until these
10 sessions are up and then
I'll ask you out then.
Well, then,
fair warning.
I'm going to say no.
Really?
I'm getting mixed signals
from you.
I feel like you've been
staring at my ass
for quite some time.
What, you're married?
No.
Boyfriend?
No.
Lesbian?
No.
Only date black guys?
No.
And yet you can say
with absolute confidence
that 10 weeks from now,
if I ask you out on a date,
your answer will be...
No.
No. Hmm.
What could she mean
when she says no?
Well, I don't know,
it is totally cryptic.
This is far from over.
We're talking
10 weeks from now.
Who knows
what she'll want then?
Do you know what you're
gonna want for lunch
10 weeks from now?
Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail
and a milkshake.
Ted, do you know
how long
it takes a woman
to decide whether
or not she's gonna
sleep with a guy?
8.3 seconds.
After that,
her decision is made.
She will not
change her mind.
That's ridiculous.
Is it? Describe
your first 8.3 seconds
with Stella.
Lower back
butterfly tattoo,
you're up.
So we got off
to a rocky start.
That may be a problem
for some guys,
but I get better
over time. Right?
I'm not some top 40 song,
easily digestible.
I'm complex. I require time
and multiple listens.
I'm Stairway to Heaven.
Wow, Roger Daltrey just
rolled over in his grave.
That's not
the right guy, is it?
He's not
even dead, is he?
I think
that's great, Ted.
You can do
whatever you set
your mind to.
In fact,
you've inspired me.
I'm going to stop
biting my nails.
But, baby, you love
biting your nails.
I know,
but I'm doing this
for Ted.
God, this is
really hard.
Give me 10 sessions,
I'm going to turn
that "no" into a "yes."
Really, Ted?
You think so?
Well, tell me,
how did the rest of
that session go?
This is going to
hurt a little.
Yeah, well,
I can handle pain.
This one time
I was playing tennis,
and...
Yeah, but tattoo removal
really hurts.
Everyone probably
sounds like that.
Doctor, are you all right?
I heard a woman
screaming in here.
Oh.
Here's to nine more
great sessions.
And so the weeks went by.
The second session, I told her
about how I spent a summer
working with inner-city kids.
The third session,
we both spoke
nothing but French.
The fourth session,
I made her laugh so hard,
she fell out of her chair.
So by the time the fifth
session came around...
Still no.
What's up with that?
I mean, I juggled.
You juggled?
I thought you were
trying to impress her.
You do magic.
How is juggling
any lamer than magic?
Magic's not lame.
I don't get it.
I mean...
Is this lame?
Oh, Barney, no, no.
We said no fireballs
at the table.
What the hell
is wrong with you?
There's alcohol in here.
Barney. We've talked
about this.
I...
It's a fire code
violation.
Yeah, but Ted
provoked me.
No, no,
you are on a time-out.
Go sit over there.
Go!
But...
Anyway, I don't get it.
I mean, she should
be into me by now.
You know,
you can do this, Ted.
I said I would stop
biting my nails
and kablamy.
It's just a challenge.
It can't be easy
to woo someone
while you're sticking
your naked butt
in their face.
Works for baboons.
It's called "presenting."
I got four sessions left.
There's got to be
some angle I'm not seeing.
You can't turn a "no"
into a "yes," Ted.
Can't be done.
I don't know, Barney.
I mean, sometimes
persistence pays off.
I said "yes"
eventually.
No, you didn't.
You were like,
"No, we can't,
we're friends.
"It would mess up
the dynamic
of the group."
To Ted.
Oh, right.
Wait a second.
Wait a second,
I got the angle.
Sir, please
don't yell at me,
because when people
yell at me, I have
a tendency to start crying.
Please don't do it.
Abby, I've told you before.
Please.
When they're rude to you,
hang up the phone.
how difficult
it is for me to...
Go on, you can
do this, hang up.
Abby, hang it up.
I am too busy
to waste my time...
I'm sorry.
I just wish that
some of the patients
would be nicer to you.
The receptionist.
That's my way in.
I like this.
Seduce the receptionist.
That's a great plan.
That's not the plan.
And how would
that help me with Stella?
Who?
Here's the plan.
Hi. Here. I stopped...
Hi, I stopped for coffee
and I thought
I'd grab you something.
Oh, wow, thank you,
that's so nice.
You're like a knight.
I should call you Sir Ted.
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
It's really stupid.
Dr. Zinman, Ted's here.
Thanks. Thanks, Abby.
And now we wait.
And sure enough,
by session seven,
she saw me
in a whole new light.
Okay, I'm about to break
my big rule here.
Break it.
Okay.
Abby goes bowling
with her church group
every Wednesday night
and she really wanted
to invite you,
but she's too shy.
Abby is...
My receptionist.
You really made
quite an impression on her
with the coffee the other day.
I mean, she's really
not stopped
talking about you.
Oh, Abby.
I thought
you said "Alan."
But you just said,
"Abby is..."
Right.
Right, I thought
I said "Alan."
Who's Alan?
Who's Abby?
My receptionist.
Exactly.
What is happening?
Ted, you just
got to be yourself,
no more gimmicks.
You're right,
no more gimmicks.
One more gimmick.
You know
what's on her shelf?
That self-help book
The Power of Me.
I know, I know,
but I thought
if I read it,
maybe we'd have
something new
to talk about.
It's actually a great book.
It taught me the power
of complete memory.
Can I borrow your copy?
I left it somewhere.
I forget.
Hi. Ted Mosby
for Dr. Zinman.
Hi, Ted.
I'll let her know.
Telepathically?
That's funny.
That's funny,
smart, and great.
I am so sorry
that I am late.
I have, like, two minutes
for lunch every day.
It's crazy.
Yeah, I understand.
I was just checking out
the old bookshelf here.
I see you've read
The Power of Me.
It's funny...
What? Oh, no.
No, no, no,
I would never read
that piece of crap.
Some patient
left it here.
Oh, thank God.
I couldn't agree more.
That's total crap.
I see people reading
that on the subway
and I just want to shout,
"Get a life, people!"
Ted, I found
your book.
What?
Your book, The Power of Me.
I think you accidentally
dropped it in the garbage.
What? No, that's...
That's not mine.
I've never seen
that book before
in my life.
No, you were reading it
in the lobby.
What... No,
you have me confused
with someone else.
No, no, look right here.
"From the personal library
of Ted Mosby."
That's you.
Ted, I hate to say this,
but I think it's
"nail the receptionist" time.
I'm not gonna nail
the receptionist.
Ted, every little boy
wants to grow up to nail
the doctor or the lawyer.
Somebody's gotta
nail the receptionist.
No. I like Stella.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there, Ted.
Your little Stella
is not so perfect.
What do you mean?
I went down there
and checked her out
for myself.
Yeah. And while
I was down there,
I discovered that
she had a secret,
a terrible, terrible secret.
What? What is it?
Hold on, I gotta pee.
Okay, I'm back.
What's going on
at work?
What's the big secret?
Oh. Oh, right.
Hi, I'd like to see
Dr. Zinman, please.
Sure, what's it regarding?
Oh, I just want to see her.
Want to look at her,
see what she looks like.
I don't understand.
I'm sorry, did I accidentally
oprima numero dos
when I called?
Do you speak English?
I want to see her!
Sir, please don't
yell at me,
because when people
yell at me, I have
a tendency to start crying.
What are
your credentials?
Please don't do it.
I want to know
who am I speaking with!
Please.
At first she seemed
great, beautiful, smart,
way out of your league.
But then, I overheard
this conversation.
my grandfather's name.
I was the last-born, so...
Oh, Abby, did my
hypnotherapist call yet?
No.
When am I going to kick
this folliculaphilia?
Folliculaphilia?
Folliculaphilia.
What is that?
Ted, your perfect woman
can only be attracted
to men with moustaches.
That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
That's not real.
You're right, Ted.
I'm just making that up.
I know that you are
because
there's no such thing.
I got it a little bit.
Hi. Ted Mosby
for Dr. Zinman.
Oh, hi, Ted.
Love the 'stache.
You look like
a young Tom Selleck,
only a million times
handsomer.
Dr. Zinman,
Magnum's here to see you.
Just kidding. Stupid.
Sorry I'm late.
Typical two-minute lunch.
So we are very close
to getting...
Why? Just why?
You don't remember?
I'll bet anyone 10 bucks
I can get Ted
to grow a moustache.
Okay.
You sabotaged my next
to last chance
with Stella for $10?
I know.
I would've done it
for free.
But, no.
You owe me 10 bucks.
This is awful.
My tenth session
is next week.
I'm gonna ask her out
and she's gonna say
the most demoralizing syllable
in the English language, "no."
You know what? Just forget it.
I'm not even gonna ask her.
No, you have to.
She likes you.
She said so herself. I mean...
Oh, my God,
you went and saw her, too?
I swear to you,
I did not.
My wife's always getting
on me about my dry elbows.
So good to be
in a relationship.
Anyone special in your life?
Or maybe just someone
you're interested in?
Interes-ted in?
You know, we should really
get this mole checked out.
It's just
a little irregular.
Irregular?
Oh, my God.
This is it. It's all over.
One of my patients has this
little butterfly tattoo
at the bottom of his back.
Can you stop talking about
your other patients?
I'm dying here, woman!
Now, look,
even if it is something,
it's easily treatable,
so try to relax.
Okay.
Hey, what was it you were
saying before about the guy
with the butterfly tattoo?
Oh, that. That's nothing.
It's just a little crush.
So I will be calling you
with your results.
Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Oh, sir, your book!
No.
Yes.
She said "crush"?
And she was
talking about me?
That last session
was the least painful of all.
I savored every searing blast
of that laser.
All done.
The moment
I'd waited 10 weeks for
had arrived.
Stella,
now that I'm no longer
your patient, would you
like to have dinner with me?
Ted, you're a really
nice guy...
Oh, no.
It has been so great
getting to know you.
I am gonna kill Marshall.
I've had so much fun
these past 10 weeks.
Oh, my God,
this is worse
than the laser.
I have a daughter.
What?
Her name's Lucy.
She's eight.
Work and being with her,
that's pretty much my life.
My social calendar
is movie night
with the girls
once a month
when I can get a sitter.
I mean, I've been to
one party
in the past year.
St. Patty's Day.
It was awful,
I left early.
But, really, my only free time
is the two minutes
I get for lunch,
so this is why
I don't date.
Ted, I only have time
for one most important
person in my life,
and that's Lucy.
Anyway, it's been fun.
Next time,
think before you ink.
But if you ever do
wake up with, like,
a dolphin tattoo
on your ankle,
just give me a call.
There it is,
she's a mom.
It's just not
gonna happen.
Sorry, dude.
Have a shrimp.
I'm okay.
I guess I got no one
but myself to blame.
She told me
right from the start
she was gonna say "no"
and sure enough...
Wait a minute.
Hi.
You didn't
actually say "no."
What do you mean?
Well, all of this time,
you were... You were
supposed to say "no,"
but you didn't,
I checked the transcript.
So, here's what
I'm proposing.
You only have
two minutes, right?
Right.
Okay. You want to go
on a two-minute date
with me?
Last two minute date I had
gave me a daughter.
But, okay.
Great.
And, go.
Taxi!
Hello!
Ted, I seriously
only have
two minutes...
I know.
That's like
120 seconds.
380 West 22nd, please.
And step on it.
We're in a hurry.
380 West 22nd?
That's...
Ah-ha!
Right this way.
Thank you, sir.
You know, I have always
wanted to try this place.
House salad.
Oh.
So, college?
Stanford.
Uh-huh. Wesleyan.
Oh, good.
Do you know
Adam Lazar?
No. Scott Crable?
Uh-uh.
Eggplant parmesan.
Thanks.
Oh, already cut up.
Nice.
Could we get
the check, please?
We're trying to make
a movie in 15 seconds.
Of course.
Okay, great.
How do you want
to do this?
You had the eggplant parm.
I only really
had water, so...
I'm kidding.
Okay. Let's go.
Taxi!
You nervous?
A little bit.
Can't tell at all.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Hello!
384 West 22nd.
Fifteen seconds.
The movie's started.
Nah, previews.
We'll be fine.
Ah! Just in time.
It hasn't
started yet.
So, what are
we seeing?
Hands of Fate.
The whole thing?
Only the
important parts.
Worst movie ever.
Yeah, I almost
walked out,
like, five times.
How we doing
on time? Taxi!
We got a little time.
Okay.
Do you want to walk it?
Why not?
Hello! Goodbye!
So what grade's
your daughter in?
Third grade.
Ah. That's a good year.
Yeah,
she's wonderful.
I just wish that
I could get her to
quit smoking, you know?
What?
I'm kidding.
Oh.
Little coffee
and dessert?
You know, this neighborhood
just keeps on changing.
This used to be a cute,
little Italian restaurant.
I know. New York.
It's a living organism,
an ever-changing tapestry.
Oh, look at the time.
Let's go.
This cheesecake's
amazing.
Flowers?
I'm allergic.
Okay. See?
We're getting
to know other.
Stella, I had a lovely...
Doggy bag?
Oh!
Stella, I had
a lovely time.
Me too, Ted.
And, date.
Huh? That wasn't
so bad, right?
No lengthy,
awkward silences.
Dessert ran a little long,
so I had to
cut the goodnight kiss.
I think I can be
late just once.
Ted...
Look,
I would love
to have a second date,
I would.
But I understand that
you really don't have
the time right now,
but if you ever do,
will you
give me a call?
Yes.
Okay.
And that, kids,
is how you turn a "no"
into a "yes."
All my friends told me,
"Abby, be strong. He doesn't
deserve another chance."
No, no, no.
But I forgive you!
No, no, no!
He seemed so nice,
but then he just kept
toying with my emotions.
Wow. This Ted guy
sounds like a real jerk.
You know your problem?
You're too sweet.
Aren't you going to
see the doctor
about that mole?
Oh, yeah. Turns out
it's just a Raisinet.
Hey, how would
you like me to take you out
to a fancy restaurant
and then go on
a shopping spree?
Treat you the way
you should be treated.
Would that make you forget
about that Ted monster?
My mom was wrong.
There are nice guys
in New York.
We just have to go
by my hotel room first.
My bed was broken.
I just have to make sure
they fixed it.
Then if it's fixed,
can we can have sex on it
and then go shopping?
I like you.